A mindset shift or transformation is necessary if your belief system is not producing the results you are expecting in life. As a Life and Transformations Coach, I wanted to share some mindset transformations about relationships that may get you better results. Leave a comment if you agree or disagree!
1. What is the right reason to enter into a long term relationship?
Most of us (including me before I was enlightened) feel that we should enter into a long term commitment because we “fell” in love.
Others may enter into a long term relationship like marriage because they want children; they want security or even to stem loneliness. But, according to Neale Donald Walsch from the “Conversations with God” series, we should put a little more thought into choosing a long term partner than feelings.
We should enter into a long term partnership for a mutually beneficial purpose.
I was watching an very old episode of Oprah a few weeks ago and she was interviewing the Smith’s. I was so impressed with Will Smith and Jada Pinketh Smith’s philosophy on marriage and family. They had a mutually beneficial purpose for their relationship and it continues today. They have family meetings every week to keep the purpose of the marriage and family in front of them.
Their purpose for getting together was to enhance the lives of others and they do that by always choosing work that inspires others.
And even though we have heard many rumors of the marriage failing, it is still standing because their purpose for it is greater than the two of them.
So when two people enter in a long term relationship they have to figure out the Why? What is the mutually beneficial purpose?
-Are they wanting to bring up children for a purpose?
Like Will and Jada Smith
-Are they wanting to enhance Gods kingdom?
Like Joel and Victoria Osteen
-Are they going to change the world through leadership?
Like Barack and Michelle Obama?
If the purpose is strong it will be like a house built on the rocks, it will withstand the storms
2. Why do relationships fail?
Statistics show that relationships fail because of failed expectations.
Most relationships start out with each party having predefined expectations about what they want out of the relationship and what they want from the other person.
Contrary to popular opinion another person cannot complete you, you must complete yourself.
The bible teaches that it is not if another person will disappoint, but when.
So when you enter into a relationship, and its survival is based on what the other person does, says, etc. You will always be disappointed.
The mindset shift is to become the best you, to make sure you are living up to your ideal self because we can never change another person, we can only change ourselves.
For example, there is conflict over a wife’s expectation that her husband takes her out on romantic dinners once per month. She is waiting on him to make the offer and he doesn’t, instead he goes out with his friends and leaves her at home with the kids.
She has several options:
Sulking, picking a fight, going out with her girlfriends – none of which heals the relationship – or she can Give That Which She Wants.
She can take him to dinner, she can cook a romantic dinner and send the kids to the babysitter. She can respond with love.
Anything you want, you first have to give.
3. Become self-centered.
I know this is going to shock some, because we were all brought up to believe that being selfish and self-centered is bad; but not according to the bible!
The bible teaches that we must love others as we love ourselves.
Our first relationship must be with self.
We must learn to honor and cherish self and love ourselves before we can love another.
We can never truly fall in love with another, until we have truly fallen in love with ourselves.
I know women are always sacrificing self for others, they think it makes for a good relationship; but it has the opposite effect.
They get burnt out and then resentment sets in. Then they start to resent their spouse for doing nothing. They cultivated that attitude.
The old saying that you have to train people how to treat you is truth. You start off doing all the work in the home, looking after the kids, doing all the cooking, while your spouse drinks beer and watch TV, then 5 years later when you are burnt out. You shouldn’t blame your spouse!
You should be self centered and make time in the day for your self.
Get up and go to the gym, walk, pray or meditate.
Make time in the evening to reflect, learn something, relax!
Everyone around you will benefit.
4. What should love do when we suffer hurt and disappointment from our loved ones?
We will all have hurt and disappointments in our lives.
In fact there is an old saying that says:
You are either going through something, coming out of something or about to go through something!
It is time for us to adopt a different response to our challenges and disappointments.
As humans we react with pain and hurt to what another is being, saying or doing.
The first thing we should do is to become conscious and aware of the feelings we are having.
Don’t run from the pain, don’t mask it with drugs or alcohol. Feel it, acknowledge it.
Try to find yourself in it.
Be honest with your feelings.
It is very important to not react with vengeance or rage, and to understand your true feelings.
Once you feel it and acknowledge it, it’s power over you diminishes and you can get to the place of this of “This too shall pass”.
After that you can then reach for your highest self and look for the lessons.
A master knows that all experiences comes to teach and is for self-growth.
5. Should you forgive or look past behaviors of your spouse or significant others because that is the Christian thing to do?
As Christians we are taught to forgive, if we want to forgiveness.
To not judge before we take the plank out of our own eyes.
So it would seem that the Christian thing to do is to forgive our spouses for his/her sins.
But in the book “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsh
The author teaches that you should always do what’s best for us. Remember we are self-centered.
Your girl friends are always going to encourage you to leave your husband because he is a cheater.
Walsch says that you should leave your spouse only if it is best action for you or your children.
You leave when the marriage no longer fulfills its purpose.
Let’s look at Hilary Clinton. I believe she married Bill Clinton with a purpose. He has always been a cheater but she saw his potential as a future President; So she proposed to him and chose to overlook his infidelity. She chose self!
Today her daughter is living a purpose driven life, She was First Lady of the Unites States of America and could become the first female President of the United States of America. You have never heard of her infidelity even though we have heard all about her husband’s.
We should all follow her lead and leave our cheating spouses to God, we should concern ourselves only with self. Being the best we can be and we will get our crown here on earth as well as our heavenly crown in the next life.
Myrna is the Host of the “Mindset Transformation radio show” on http://www.wdjyfm.com/#!on-air/cee5 every Wednesday from 5:00 pm to 6:00 pm
If you would like to be a guest or become a sponsor contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Listen to past broadcasts of the “Mindset Transformations radio show” on the Myhelps Youtube Channel