How to Reprogram your Mind to Stop Binge Eating

Binge eating

When you develop, Binge Eating Disorder, you aren't able to fight your desire for food. It's like an addiction. It IS an addiction. Binge eating, and overeating and how that negatively affects your health until you learn how to reprogram your mind.  

 

My guest today is Dr. Glenn Livingston, author of “Never Binge Again” and our topic is “How to Reprogram Your Mind to stop, binge eating,”

Glenn Livingston PhD,  is a veteran psychologist and was the long-time CEO of a multi-million-dollar consulting firm which serviced several fortune 500 clients in the food industry. 

 

Dr Glenn has sold over 30 million dollars of marketing consulting services over the course of his career.  You may have seen his previous work in major periodicals like the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago sun-times, the Indiana Star Ledger, the New York Daily News, American demographics, or any of other major media outlets.

 What is Binge eating disorder

Dr. Glenn can you tell us what makes you uniquely qualified to comment on, binge eating disorder?

Well I'm not just a psychologist who wanted to work with people to help them lose weight;  I'm a guy who had a very serious, binge eating, problem myself.

I know what's happening in the addiction treatment field that we're being told that we're powerless over the, food addiction, that it's a disease. Binge eating, is 

An irresistible impulse that gets worse over time.

 

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Here is Dr Glenn's story on how He conquered, Binge Eating, 

I discovered a weird thing when I was a youth.  I'm 6’4” I'm reasonably muscular and I figured out when I was about 17, that if I worked out for two or three hours a day, I could eat whatever I wanted. So my diet was boxes of muffins, boxes of donuts, boxes of pizza, boxes of chocolate bars. I was eating six, seven, eight thousand calories a day and it was no problem.

 

Well as you could figure out, I couldn’t continue, binge eating, like that as I got into my 20’s.

When I got to be about 22 or 23, married and in graduate school, I was commuting to school, I had all these responsibilities as a husband. I could barely work out two hours a week, much less two hours a day.  But I couldn't get rid of the cravings for, junk food. I had a, food addiction, and  I started getting fatter and fatter.  My triglycerides went through the roof, and I had doctors telling me that I was going to die in my 30's if I didn't find stop, binge eating .

 

 I eventually figured it wasn't what I was eating, it was what was eating me.  

 

I had been doing some reading in alternative, food  addiction, treatment by a guy named Jack Trimpey. He wrote a book called “Rational Recovery” and he made it clear to me for the first time that the seed of, food addiction, was really the, reptilian brain,.

 

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Binge Eating, Definition 

Binge eating, is  looking at food from the reptilian brain doesn't know love.  We're all we're all busy trying to love ourselves out of these, food addictions; but the reptilian brain doesn't know love. The reptilian brain assesses something in the environment and says, do I eat it or do I kill it! There's no love there, there's no concern for tribe or family or friends or long-term aspirations or creativity or music or art. There's none of that.  It's just eat, mate or kill, and when you look at the animal studies you see that is what happens when you short circuit the pleasure system. 

 You can walk a block in most cities and find a McDonald's, a Burger King across the street.  There's a fast-food restaurant on every corner these days. So we don’t have physical electrodes in our brain; but there are chemical electrodes and concentrations of pleasure that we weren't prepared to meet by evolution.  

 

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binge eating disorder
binge eating disorder

Binge Eating, and what your choice of foods signifies:

  •  My research found was that people who struggled with, binge eating, chocolate was definitely lonely or brokenhearted.
  •  People who struggled with, binge eating, salty crunchy things, tended to be stressed at work people
  • People who struggled with, binge eating, soft chewy things like bread or bagels or pasta, tended to be stressed at home.

I found out from my mom, the reason I struggled, binge eating, chocolate.

  

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How to reprogram your mind to stop, binge eating.

 I tell people the best way to stop the, food addiction, and, binge eating, is to is to think of the single worst trigger food or eating behavior that's getting you in trouble.

 

Maybe it's eating in the car, maybe that's where you do all the damage. Maybe you could create one rule that says: I never eat in the car or maybe it's a particular food. e.g  I can only have salami on Sundays. Maybe it's about how you eat, maybe it's more like you need to pause and be more mindful.  e.g I'll always put my fork down between bites.

 

If there's something that you know is getting you into trouble,  binge eating, start with that one.

Binge Eating and the Reptilian Brain 

Don't worry if making this rule will help you loose weight or not.  Unless your doctor says that it's really urgent that you do, don't worry about your weight.  I just want you to get the hang of the way this mental game is played, because that rule allows you to separate your thoughts from your, reptilian brain.

  •  Come up with a name for your, reptilian brain, I called mine my “pig”
  • Some people call theirs their food monster or food demon or something like that.
  • Then you want to listen for those destructive thoughts.  
  • You want to listen for what your inner food demon says is the rationale that you should break the plan with, binge eating, you can do one of two things when you hear it.
  •    You can ignore it, because it doesn't matter how smart what is saying, it doesn't matter how logical it sounds, if you know that it's coming from your food demon, your pig, you now it's bad.  So you might as well ignore it even if it sounds like it's got a PhD from Harvard!
  • You could write out what the food demon is saying and you ask yourself where is the lie within it.  Where is the logical fallacy within it.  For example maybe the food demon says one bite won't hurt you, or  you can start again tomorrow, which is based upon the logical fallacy that you'll be in the exact same place tomorrow.

Food addiction leads to binge eating 

 If you reinforce the connection today between that craving and the actual eating of the food then, you're going to have a stronger craving tomorrow.  That means the, food addiction and, binge eating, will be a little worse tomorrow. 

 One of the ways to attack your craving and, binge eating, is to create a food plan.  The food plan would have some things that you always eat, some things you never eat, and some things you eat sometimes.  

 

  1.  I always eat five servings of fruit or vegetables.  
  2. I drink two whole glasses of water when I get up in the morning.
  3. I will only eat pretzels at major league baseball games.
  4.  I only eat bread when I am out at a restaurant.  
  5.  I never eat after 6 pm.
  6.  I never eat pizza.
  7. I never eat more than two squares of chocolate a day. 

Conclusion 

While other addictions, such as alcohol and drug abuse, are more widely known and understood, food addiction, and, binge eating,  isn't. Hope this blog post and Dr. Glenn Livingston, author of “Never Binge Again” helps. 

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The Difference Between A Queen and A Princess

Gina DeVee Audacity to be Queen

The difference between a, princess, and a, queen, is that the, princess, is waiting on someone to come and save while the, queen, has the emotional maturity to know that she has to save herself and her people.

In this episode, Gina DeVee, author of the, Audacity to Be Queen, makes reference to, Queen Esther, in the bible story of how she used her influence with the King to save her people the Jews.  She didn't wait on a prince to save her, she learnt how  to communicate with the King

Download the Podcast Here: 

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Bio

Gina went from being a broke psychologist to a multi-million dollar women’s empowerment and lifestyle brand with Divine Living. She has dedicated her career to helping women connect spiritually, start profitable businesses, and create wealth from a feminine perspective. Some of those women include Jen Sincero, who (fun fact!) dedicated her book on money to Gina.

Her first book, The Audacity to be Queen, consolidates over 20 years of experience in transforming women’s lives through the deep spiritual and feminine wisdom of Queenhood.

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The Princess Mentality

The, princess mentality, is tough for us women, because we're read stories from a very young age and most the impressionable time about being a, princess. And how someone else is going to come save us that we will live happily ever after.

So, for us to get out of the, princess mentality, and develop the emotional maturity and the wisdom that a, queen, has, that life isn't perfect. Life isn't fair. It doesn't mean it's horrible, though. either. It's just the way it is.

Gina: I grew up Christian and my book is not overtly Christian, but it is based on the, book of Esther, in the Bible. Jews know the story from the Bible, and for everyone else, it's kind of a Cinderella story, basically, Esther, was the most unlikely candidate to become the, Queen, of Persia.

I was on a plane one day and reading the Bible. I happened to be reading the book of, Esther, that day, and it was the first time that it really leapt off the page. And I was like, this isn't just Esther's story. This is the story of every woman, on some level, maybe symbolically.  We've all been orphaned, exiled, taken out of our comfort zone, and really had been prepared for such a time as this. And I just really saw it almost as the heroine’s journey of us all and started doing retreats and workshops on it. So really, the substance of my work is about being the, Queen, based on the character of, Esther’s story.

Myrna: You okay, so we got that from, Queen Esther. I was thinking you meant when a man calls his woman his, Queen.

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Queen Esther saves the Jews

Gina: I go through a lot more in chapter four in my book, so if anyone wants the cool, Queen Esther, story from when I also realized is, you know, Esther, was under an enormous amount of pressure, she had to risk her life. The king didn't know he had married a Jew, and so she had to reveal who she was, she could have gotten killed. And even under all these pressures, she maintains what the Scriptures say a pleasing disposition, aka positive.

Well, I'm Sicilian, so I can be kind of fiery. One of the things that I do in the book, I talk about the, archetype of Queen, really being our highest self. And then there's all these other, archetypes, that can show up along the way. And as you pointed out, the, Bitch, is one of them. I think that what happens is I wrote about this in chapter three, growing up to feel safe.  None of us grew up in functional families.

Let's just be clear, there is a certain level of dysfunction in families, the way society set things up, we took either two routes, we took compliance, be the, good girl, do everything right, follow the rules, you know, or defiance. Either or both of them, keep us out of our true self. And so, what I found for myself is I lived so long as a perfect and Little Miss good girl, I was so compliant.

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The bitch way of communicating

That when I was done with being the, good girl, I did the pendulum swing into defiance. And it was because I still didn't really feel like I had power. So, I would let these, bitchy comments, kind of blow out of my mouth when I was under stress or feeling cornered, because I didn't know how to be an alliance. And so that's one of the things that I teach in my book is about how we can really speak the truth in love. You don't have to be a doormat; you don't have to not have boundaries. And you don't have to be this, bitch, about it either.

Myrna; All right, so I know exactly what you're talking about. Because people are always talking to me about, tonality, where you know, it comes across very aggressive when I say something, but I don't know how not to sound, bitchy, if I'm annoyed.  But it doesn't mean that I want to be a, bitch, it’s just my direct way of communicating. So, what you're saying is that women can, say what they want to say that's on their mind, but say, in a queenly way, is that what you're saying?

Gina: Yes, exactly. You know, speaking the truth without love. It's just brutal honesty. So, when you when you come from a place of love, you consider your needs, your desires, what it is that you're looking to communicate and you deeply consider the other person also. And so, when you when you come from this place, what you're saying might not be popular, it might not even be well received, but you will feel better about yourself because you will know that to the best of your ability you actually set up a win-win situation.

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The 4 communication Archetypes

Myrna: Okay, so that's basically how you define a, bitch mode of communication.  So that's probably a good segue to talk about. The, archetypes, right. You said there's four, archetypes:

  • The Princess
  • The martyr,
  • The saboteur
  • and the Queen.

So, explain, these, archetypes, and maybe give us an example of the, communication, in each them.

Gina: Sure, those are four I do write about many, many more in the book, “The Audacity to be Queen” but I think that we all can see ourselves when we are we self-sabotaging? When we are a, martyr.

Gina: The, princess mentality, is tough for us women, because we're read stories from a very young age and most the impressionable time about being a, princess. And how someone else is going to come save us that we will live happily ever after.  So, Princesses, think that there is this happily ever after in this perfect scenario and then becomes very confused and very distraught when it doesn’t happen and real life shows up.

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The language of a Queen

Myrna: One of the things I loved about, Queen Esther's, story is she was pushed into this position, you know, to see to save her people. And she embraced it. I loved the fact that she knew how to talk to the king, right? She knew how to ask the King for what she wanted. I wrote that down her strategy for when I want to request anything from my husband.  Queen Esther, says “if it pleases Your Highness” That is definitely, Queen, language.

I found that story very amazing that, Queen Esther, learned how to talk to her husband to get what she wanted. A lot of people, a lot of women, don't want to give the man the respect in order to get what they want from him. So yeah, the, Queen, archetype is knowing how to communicate like a, queen.

All right so our topic today is, how can women cure to disease to please.  Let's talk about the, desire to please, and the, disease to please, and then how you go about teaching women to cure it?

Gina: So, codependency is really what we're talking about here. It's when we are just operating to get other people's approval, love, admiration. And it's not really a preference. It's like when I was really codependent it's like, it's what I needed to feel safe in the world. And so, I was always monitoring what does someone else want? What do I need to say that's going to make them happy, or it's going to make them like me, or it's going to be acceptable to them?

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The disease to please

And so, too, oftentimes, modern day women are just terrified of what other people are going to think about them or what other people are going to say, and it stops them from being in the relationship they want to be in or starting the business they want to start or being invisible online. Or speaking their truth. Like there's so much that the, disease to please, holds back someone's truth, it's going to keep them from their destiny.

So, really healing codependency and curing that so to speak in our lives, it’s one of the most courageous journeys a woman could be on, to stop needing other people's permission or approval. And, you know, the more you give yourself permission, the more you approve of yourself, is going to be the way that you're going to attract people who feel similarly and it's the more freedom.  It's the only way you're going to live a free life.

Myrna: Women always feel you know, when they have the, disease to please, is that they always feel being authentic and understanding there, personal power, is the way to not have to feel that you'd like to please whether it's your children, whether it's your man, it's your boss, you know, wherever you feel that you the, desire to please, in order for you to get attention.

You talked about the feminine perspective. How are you differentiating that in being a, Queen?

Deezer Transform Your Mind Podcast
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The Feminine perspective of Queen

Gina: Yes, well, one of the reasons why I love the, archetype of Queen, is because she's not all feminine. She's not a goddess. She is not a mermaid waiting for her, prince, to come save her. And she's not all like, masculine, like I'm going to take the bull by the horns and I'm going to hustle and have massive action. The, Queen, is not like the, Tony Robbins, or Gary Vaynerchuk way of being in the world are like that empowered and masculine. The, Queen, has both male and female energy, there is masculine and feminine energy.

It's just the western world is obsessed, addicted really to all things masculine. So, the difference is, masculine energy, which is all things logical, practical, predictable, linear, it's about action. It's about thinking. Those are all these masculine traits and ultimately, masculinity is about giving.

And then, femininity is about the, spiritual, the creative, the playful, the passionate, the nonlinear.  It's a circle, it's about feeling not thinking, it's about being not taking action. And ultimately, femininity, is about receiving.

All of us have seen people in positions of power, whether they're male or female, be the ones giving is in control, you know, initiating, taking that action so that's what we have thought of when we think of success, and it's just a different age and a different time and particularly women need to get better at receiving a compliment, receiving well exceeded attention. Receiving good in your life and let him know there’s a time play and to be creative and relax, rather than always working, being productive, being effective, all that kind of stuff. So, you know, really getting clear that there is, masculine energy, and there is, feminine energy.

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

Masculine and feminine energy

Myrna: that's a good one because you're right, women have a problem receiving. They have the, disease to please, because they always want to give and when it's time to receive, they don't know how to receive. I tell my daughter all the time, the same thing. We've got to learn how to receive.

Gina: So, no matter what you're taught, most of us have been taught, money, doesn't grow on trees. You have to work if you want more, money, you have to work harder. And it's about work all the time. And make sure you save up for a down payment for a home and save, money, for retirement and all this logical linear stuff. And the, feminine energy, way is different.

That's all the, masculine energy, and there's nothing inherently wrong with it. It's like a painting of one color. It's one dimensional and there's just other colors to choose from also. So, it's not about not being, masculine, but it's about incorporating the, feminine. So, the, feminine, way it's going to be creative.

The, feminine, is like, do I even want to own my home? Maybe I would rather rent my home and have, money, to travel because that's part of my value system. Or maybe it's actually a smarter for me to take the, money, that I would put into a house was only going to make X amount over X number of years and put it into a different kind of investment that maybe didn't exist when our parents or grandparents told us save for a down payment for a house or real estate.

You know, and so that's the, feminine, approach of being more creative or spiritually guided or not so logical and linear but being circular and looking at other possibilities that might even be smarter.

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Transform your Mind Podcast Index

Feminine energy is creative

Myrna: Yeah, I like the creative approach to this definitely right. Feminine energy, is definitely creative. We were built to create. So that is that is definitely, feminine energy. Yeah, so I like that. All right, so yeah, so is there anything else that you want to share that I didn't ask you?

Gina: I think the thing to really keep in mind especially right now for everyone, I don't know anyone that's not reconsidering their life with everything that we've all been through. Everyone's asking what am I doing with my life and you know reevaluating is this even where I want to live?  Is this the relationship I want to be in?  Is this the job I want? If you have a business, is this the way I want to be doing business?

I really do invite everyone to deeply explore what else is possible because the truth is, we're not going back to the way it was before the pandemic. That world is an era and consciousness that is done and over. So, a new world opens up, it's about new and expansion and expression and creative possibility.

So, if you're yearning for something more, a better life, lean into that. If there's desires that you used to put off and said, well, I'll do that later when the kids go to college, or when I retire, when there's enough time or money left over. What if you started with your desires, what if you prioritize yourself? What if you said no, what if you set a boundary when everyone's used to you being so available?

Book Audacity to be Queen
Book Audacity to be Queen

The Audacity to be Queen

Myrna: How does everything that you teach circle back to being a, queen?

Gina: Yes. So, the book “The Audacity to be Queen” starts out about how the epic life is possible. Because we got to get back into dreaming. We got to get to especially as adults, we've gotten a lot of things knocked out of us our self-confidence, things haven't worked out.  And it can be really tempting to just sit on the sidelines, take it easy, play small, stay safe, you know, whatever that is, so we got to get back into dreaming event.

And then chapter two is on, spirituality, is your superpower. I'm too old to be working that hard anymore. It’s is time for us to really let Spirit and God come in and open us up for miracles, and we got to open up for big opportunities. The way that the Bible talks about my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher.

They say you can work hard, but not work smart. When you get the call of God in your plans and whatever, then you don't have to do it. And then, when things don't go your way, like being able to rely on, spirituality, first of all, that's where faith comes in.  And then we get into really exploring much more deeply the difference between, masculine energy, and, feminine energy, and what it actually means to be, feminine. It's not just about lipstick and a manicure. It's a whole skill set and way of being in the world.

And then in chapter four talks about like the ultimate, Queen, and how for all of us, this is such a time to be a, Queen. We have been prepared to, be of service to our people. So that's the real foundation, we're all meant to be queen and we're in our lives, like what happened? Why are we not swinging? So, we got to look at some of the unconscious thoughts and beliefs about, self-sabotage, and the, disease to please, and the comparison trap and all of the lack of mind training that most of us have not had. And there's a lot of tools and exercises in the book that really teach us the mind training.

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Additional Resources

Tantric Sex: How to Use Tantra Energy during Sex

5 Questions to Ask Before Going with Your Gut Feelings

Never go with your, gut feelings, because what is true is that your gut, intuition, is often going to be lying to you.  Just like people who are depressed and anxious feel that there's something to be said about, gut feelings, when there's not, and feel there's a threat when there is not. Instead use  counter intuitive strategies to make decisions.

In this episode of the Transform your Mind to Transform your Life podcast, I interview Dr Gleb Tsipursky, Cognitive Neuroscientist and Behavioral Economist and author of the book “Never Go With Your Gut: How Pioneering Leaders Make the Best Decisions and Avoid Business Disasters.” 

What was your path in becoming a Cognitive Neuroscientist?

I was 18 in 1999 when the Prince song party like it's 1999 was Hot. A lot of leaders were partying because their companies were going boom they were making a lot of a lot of money.  Billions of dollars were invested into  the dot.com industry, and just a couple of years later when I was 21 in 2002, they all went bust. The leaders of the dot.com era made terrible decisions. They trusted their, Gut feelings, and went bust! That and the fact I saw my father trust his, gut feelings, and made terrible decisions, made me study to become a Cognitive Neuroscientist.

Leaders who went with their, gut feelings, made bad decisions

A lot of  Leaders who went with, gut feelings, went to jail.  Their, gut instincts, were way off. Never trust just your, gut feelings.  I was curious about what was going on, so I decided to study the neuroscience of the brain and how people think. I became a Trainer, Consultant, and Coach for business leaders.

Cognitive neuroscience,  is a subfield of neuroscience that studies the biological processes that underlie human cognition, especially in regards to the relation between brain structures, activity and cognitive functions. The purpose of it is to determine how the brain functions and achieves performance.is the study of how our brain works, how we make decisions and what our patterns of decision-making are.  I also studied the specific judgment errors that we make when we make decisions purely from, gut feelings.

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

One of the first things I wanted to know because as a, Lifecoach myself, when I sit down in a coaching session, I'm looking for certain things in order for me to understand where my clients are coming from.  As a cognitive neuroscientist and behavioral economist, what are you looking for when you were consulting with these business leaders?

Coaching to, Gut Instinct

The first thing I'm looking for is to make sure the person is coachable.  A lot of people would like to go to a coach, but they're not coachable.  Meaning that they're not willing to listen to external feedback and accept that sometimes, someone looking from the outside is going to be wiser than the person looking from the inside and making those, gut feeling,  decisions.

I also try to find an issue of disagreement and in the first session, to see how the person reacts to this disagreement.  Because if this person's is not able to deal with this disagreement, then we’re not going to be able to have an effective coaching relationship. Because as a coach  I'm going to tell you what I think, and if you can’t accept feedback,  we can't work together and I'd like to discover that as quickly as possible.

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Transform your Mind Spotify Podcast
Download on Spotify

 

The other thing that I look for at the start of the session is how emotionally aware this person is.  That's the quality of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence refers to two broad skill sets:

  • emotional awareness – where is this person emotions
  • and emotional management – how are they able to manage their emotions.

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Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

It is really an important element for me to understand.  Do I need to teach this person these skills of emotional intelligence, personal skills, emotional awareness and emotional management? Because in order to make good decisions, instead of going with, gut feelings,  we need to realize that our emotions are the overwhelming factor driving our, gut intuition and, gut instinct.  Our emotions shape about 80 to 90 percent of our, gut feelings, and  decision-making.  Going with your, gut feelings, means going with your, gut instinct intuition,  and they're often wrong, so this is a problem.

When my clients notice that there are goals they want to achieve from coaching are at odds with their natural inclinations and natural intuition, they change their natural state.  One of the very important aspects of coaching, is to change your natural state of activities otherwise there is no point in coaching.

One key aspect of coaching, is to change from where you are today to where you want to be

I'm looking for that as well how aware is the person of their emotions and how able are they to manage their emotions and, gut feelings.

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Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

Leaders shouldn't just use gut feelings to make decisions

As a Cognitive Neuroscientist and Behavioral Economist, you had enough data to write a book on disaster avoidance and that's also name of your company.  Does your research indicate that most people who follow their, gut feelings, or, gut instinct, make the wrong decisions?

Yes, overwhelmingly people who just go with their, gut feelings, and make decisions by, gut reaction, as opposed to people who check with their heads before going with their, gut feelings, make the wrong decisions.

Let's look at small businesses.  A lot of small business owners who don't have training go with their, gut feeling, and open up a business. They feel that they can do this job, I can do this work.  I can run this restaurant or this hair salon or I can be a plumber. But when you look at the actual statistics,  what happens to small businesses is about half of them fail within the first five years,  about two-thirds of them fail within the first ten years;  because people make decisions based on, gut feelings.  They just go with their, gut instincts,  they don't check with their head before going with their,  gut feeling. Never just go with your, gut feelings.

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Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast

Podbean

 

5 Questions to Ask Before Going with Your Gut Feelings

That business leader this who wants to open up a hair salon needs to learn about these, cognitive biases,  the 30 most dangerous ones that she might be suffering from

I list them all in my book “Never Go With Your Gut: How Pioneering Leaders Make the Best Decisions and Avoid Business Disasters.” 

I will list 5 of them here.

  1. The Confirmation Bias – where she might be looking for information from, gut feelings, that confirms her beliefs and ignoring information that do not confirm her beliefs.
  2. Objective Adviser – Understanding the failure rate for hair salons. The failure rate for hair salons are a  little bit higher than the failure rate for typical small businesses,  so the first question to answer is why she would not fail. What makes her so special ? Never go with just, gut feelings.
  3. Get uncomfortable – Look for information that is uncomfortable and that to prove to herself whether this is the right decision or not.
  4. Check for the optimism bias. Business leaders who open up new restaurants, new salon or new small businesses tech startups tend to be very optimistic. They are too optimistic compared to the reality of the situation.
  5. Exit strategy if Business fails – what are all the reasons why it would fail.  Was it the wrong location? Management etc?

    Additional Resources Never go with Your, Gut Feelings

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5V3QWa9WdzQ

 

http://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-use-intuition-to-transform-your-life/

 

How to Live in Infinite Possibility

http://blog.myhelps.us/the-top-7-reasons-meditation-can-help-your-business-increase-revenues/

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-brain-gut-connection

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-second-brain/

https://lonerwolf.com/gut-instincts/

Using the Law of Attraction to Have it All

Activate the Law of Attraction

Nothing in our world exists until we create it. We engage the, Law of Attraction, whenever we dream about something we want.

Everything is first created in the mind before you hold it in your hand. We engage the, laws of the Universe, when we hold desire in our hearts.

How to engage the, Law of Attraction

You can, have it all, anything you desire through visualization and meditation. The,  Laws of the Universe, including the, law of attraction, are working for you.  You only have to plant in the fertile field of your mind to ,have it all.

Your subconscious mind cannot hold any contradictory mandates. For example if you are using the, Law of Attraction, to manifest a red sports car, but you are thinking that you could never afford such a car, you are cancelling out, the Law of Attraction.

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If you have a belief that you will not be able to, have it all,  then your beliefs will block these things from your experience. You will not, have it all. Your belief must be changed first in order to, have it all.

Nothing in our world exists until we create it. We engage the, Law of Attraction, one of the, laws of the Universe, whenever we dream about something we want.

Everything is first created in the mind before you hold it in your hand.

We must first observe or experience it for it to become a reality. Quantum physics, tells us that everything exists in wave form or infinite possibility it is only when we observe it, it becomes form.  It does not become form until we observe it by giving it our conscious attention.  It is our act of observation that gives everything form.

Consciousness creates our reality. The, Law of Attraction, is a tool we could use to design our life, to have it all.

Mind affects matter.

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Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast

 

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

The Law of Attraction needs sensory input

The first thing that the, Law of Attraction, does is change the self and the environment the self-encounters.

Everything we see, touch, smell, hear, feel, is sensory input.

The subconscious stores these sensory input along with events for later retrieval.

The subconscious mind makes up 92% of the total brain and the conscious mind the remaining 8%

The brain produces about 25 watts of power.

The subconscious mind uses this power for desires, impulses and energy.

Your desires activate the, Law of Attraction, one of the, laws of the Universe,

This energy is infinite.  The brain functions 24 hours until we die, so the, law of Attraction, is always working.  Both your conscious thoughts and subconscious thoughts activate, the Law of Attraction.

When the, conscious mind, and the, subconscious mind, are in conflict the subconscious mind always win. So most of the time we are activating the, law of attraction unconsciously.

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Finding your Life Purpose

Did you start your New Year’s resolutions yet? I bet there’s one missing that you should add right now: find a greater sense of purpose in your life. To do that effectively, you need to understand the eight key components of living with purpose.

The new book, The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose by Nathanael Garrett Novosel, is a complete step-by-step walkthrough of how humans derive meaning from their existence. This book helps you to identify what really matters to you in life, define a clear plan of going after what you want, and grow toward fulfilling your true calling.

Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. ..That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.

This book is a life-changer, and I recommend you go out and get it now. The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose by Nathanael Garrett Novosel. Available now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Apple Books. Order today!

Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

 

For example when an overweight person decides to go on a diet without changing subconscious programming they will continue to overeat and override conscious behaviors.

The conscious mind has a limited memory and most of it is short term.

The subconscious mind has infinite memory for all your experience for your entire life.

The subconscious mind can block out changes in your surroundings so you don't focus or see changes in your environment. Like driving down a street for months and not seeing a new complex or a new tree.

We have a shortage of attention and fail to notice what is going on around us including obvious changes in our surroundings.

Conscious attention is required to see requested changes from the, Law of Attraction.

Always use the, law of attraction, to focus on what is wanted and not what is unwanted. You can, have it all.

The mind focus on what we place our attention on whether negative or positive so the, law of attraction will bring you whatever you focus on.

All day every day we are placing our attention on something and engaging the, law of attraction.

Concentration on one thing and suppressing all others is the key to controlling your reality and using the, law of attraction, to, have it all.

Controlling your attention and focus is the way to control your reality.

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How to use the Law of Attraction to change your reality

  1. Reevaluate what seems negative by focusing on the good experiences. This trains the mind only to see the positive, it teaches the subconscious to only focus on the positive and thus more positive things will be attracted into your lives through the, law of attraction.
  2. Challenge yourself in your free time. When we go into low energy modes our brain reverts to old programming, so to prevent this schedule things to do that will move the needle to your required destination of, having it all.
  3. Appreciate all the goodness that you see. We can search for happiness in our present situation. Teach the mind what we want from life. The conscious mind is the master and the subconscious mind the gene. When we train the conscious mind to focus on what we want, we can make any changes we want in our lives. What you focus on comes to you by the, law of attraction.

You can, have it all. Is it possible to have: a passionate marriage; a thriving career; a healthy beautiful body; more money than you ever dreamed possible, and enough “down” time to enjoy it – without running yourself ragged? Use the, law of attraction to, have it all.

In her book “The Art of Having It All,”  Author, Transformational Leader, and Celebrity Coach, Christy Whitman, share the precise steps she took to create radical turnarounds in the midst of potentially devastating real life situations – including freeing herself from nearly $90,000 of unwanted debt loosing 30 extra pounds,  navigating the turbulent waters of divorce, the grief of her sister’s suicide, and the life -threatening illness of her newborn son.

Book The art of having it all
Book The art of having it all

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Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

 

Addition Resources: Law of Attraction

How to Use the Law of Action for Success in Life

http://blog.myhelps.us/who-is-tending-your-mind-garden/

http://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-reprogram-your-unconscious-mind/

https://www.mind-your-reality.com/seven_universal_laws.html

https://www.collaborativefund.com/blog/laws/

 

8 Secrets to Sexy Total Health

sexy total health

Sexy total health, is not about how you look on the outside but on the inside. When you become conscious of these secrets, you embody, total health care.

When you become conscious of nature, mental health, presence and spirituality you have, sexy total health.

In this episode of the Transform your Mind radio and podcast, Host Myrna Young, Life Coach, interviews UDO ERASMUS, founder of Udo’s Choice, author of the book Fats and Oils: The Complete Guide to Fats and Oils in Health and Nutrition and Total Sexy Health. Udo shares his 8 secrets to Sexy, Total Health.

Udo: I can remember the fear the anxiety I had as a child growing up during the second world war in Europe,  Sometimes you will hear me say that I was born in hell; and with a lot of help from visible and invisible friends, walked a long crooked path from there to heaven. I became a good reader of adventure stories, to escape hell even in the mind.  

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As I grew older, along the way, I tried out many things and learned a lot. Every trade and job, every movement or breath and every step led me to the next turn on the path to find new, different and out-of-the-box possibilities.

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast

Podbean

I discovered that just like you  take time to go to the bathroom,  or time for breakfast everyday, you should take time to create awareness.  Go back inside to the core of your being, to the magnificence of your soul. 

You are not your body, you are the owner of the of your body. 

That is why I created, Sexy Total Health.

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Soundcloud Transform your mind podcast
Transform your Mind Soundcloud podcast

 My question to you is,  how much time do you spend with the owner of your body to create, total health? 

Myrna: Interestingly, I was listening to Dr Deepak Chopra on  Facebook live this morning and he was teaching about communing with nature and  negative ions from plants and trees. I started touching shrubs as I passed them in the park on my morning walk. I am seeking sexy, total health, myself. 

Udo: After searching for purpose for several years, I took a job as a pesticide sprayer and ended up with pesticide poisoning. Trying to cure myself, I started studying oils and fats. Frying your foods in oil  is associated with all kinds of problems including diabetes, inflammatory diseases like arthritis, and also with cardiovascular problems. So I developed a method for making them under protection from oxygen and heat. Oils are the most sensitive and therefore most easily damaged of the essential nutrients. Light, oxygen in the air, and high temperature damage them, and then they damage your body.

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Did you get enough of the omega-3 or  Flaxseed oil in your diet? 99% of the population don't get enough omega-3 needed for, total health care,  

Total health, is more than just using the right oils,  actually everything affects your, total health. For example your politics affect your, total health. if there's something going on that isn't  right with the heart or right with, total health care,  then it stresses you out.  

How active you are affect your sexy, total health,  the water you drink affect your, total health,  but we focus mostly on on the interaction with the world. Our kids, our employer, the religious system, or the educational system, or the political system.  Our awareness does not go inside.

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Here are the 8 Secrets of Sexy Total Health

  1. Digestion – EXCESS CARBOHYDRATES TURN OFF YOUR FAT BURNING GENES. Since excess carbohydrates (eating more of them than your body burns) can cause many health problems, it is only logical, practical and important that your body makes sure that you burn carbohydrates first.
  2. Nutrition – Fats and oils come in two completely contradictory forms. There are fats/oils that heal, and there are fats/oils that kill. The truth is that to make good choices for better health, you have to know which is which, and then choose the fats/oils that heal. More physical health problems come from bad (damaged) oils than from any other part of nutrition. Knowing how to use oils is essential to sexy, total health. 
  3. Mental health – Becoming aware of being aware, you discover both the calm stillness that is awareness’ nature, and everything else that unfolds in that stillness. Real, true, personal peace and mental health has its roots in the core of your existence beyond your senses. With that awareness, you can solve the challenges and conflicts within you and surrounding you. Mental health is essential to, total health.
  4. Presence – Presence underpins your essence and being. Your emptiness is not empty. It’s filled with your undiscovered magnificence and the precursor to sexy, total health.  Don’t get stuck in the words. Words only point at essence; they are not essence. Let them float in the space of your being, and become aware of that space in you.
  5. Consciousness – Consciousness is the field physicists call God.  Consciousness is everywhere. It is omnipresent, in charge of everything going on in the entire universe.
  6. Emotional awareness – Lack of awareness of your internal foundation begins your problems. Awareness of that internal foundation makes practical solutions to your problems available and accessible. Aware and focused in stillness, you find insights and knowledge. Stillness is the only known reliable practice for deepening insights. They are your best source of power, wisdom and manifestation. Live your life focused. Be focused in the present, which contains all that exists. Nothing is more powerful than the present moment.
  7. Natural living – clean water, clean food, clean air and being in nature
  8. Sleep –  is Life Energy it inspires creativity  and necessary for sexy, total health. 

Download your FREE copy of  Total Sexy Health Here:

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Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. ..That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.

This book is a life-changer, and I recommend you go out and get it now. The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose by Nathanael Garrett Novosel. Available now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Apple Books. Order today!

Additional Resources

http://blog.myhelps.us/using-muse-guided-meditations-to-reduce-stress/

How to be Happy: The Happiness Formula

How Nutritional Supplements Help you Achieve Optimum Health

https://www.muscleandstrength.com/articles/sexy-health-equals-healthy-sex.html

5 Reasons feeling sexy is important for your health

How to Heal Your Brokenness

How to Heal Brokenness

My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase.  He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out. We must heal our, brokenness if we are going to hold love, self-esteem, self-worth, or confidence.

Certified Life coach, Myrna Young and registered social worker, Arifah Yusaf discuss, How to Heal your Brokenness,

The LORD is near to the, broken hearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

 

In this blog and podcast here are some of the mental health topics we will be discussing every week.  We want to discuss real life issues and struggles of the, minority woman:

Brokenness
Brokenness

Lets start with, How to Heal your Brokenness,

My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase.  He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out.  That means that if you are, broken hearted,

  • you cannot hold love,
  • you cannot hold appreciation,
  • you cannot hold compliments,
  • you are incapable of receiving and holding anything.

So it is very important for us to find our cracks and mend them.  As, minority women, most of us have experienced some, brokenness, in our lives.

Here are the top 3 reasons for, Brokenness:

  1. Devalued and rejected by others
  2. Abandoned by our parents
  3. Feelings of not being good enough because we have lack.

 How do we Heal, brokenness?

I know in our practice of social work and in psychology, a lot of clinical professionals, look at the research study around ACES which is our first childhood experiences.

That study basically states that childhood experiences before the age of 18, whether that be witnessing abuse or being abused themselves, living in poverty or just going through traumatic events; Those experiences impact their, brokenness, as they grow up into adulthood.  It may impact how they maneuver through success or how they view themselves as  failures.

These experience are also linked to risky health behaviors, chronic health conditions, low life potential and even early death.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

Myrna Young, Life Coach, I agree that risky behaviors from, brokenness, usually means an absence of self-love and that can definitely lead to early death.

I am going to niche down in our conversation today to address women of color and, minority women, because that's who we are.

As women we can be, broken, both in our childhood and by narcissistic men in our adult lives, who have rejected us or devalued us.

Our, brokenness, becomes compared with the, broken hearted.   Also when we experience, brokenness, as children those experiences can leads us to get into unhealthy relationships.    Healing our, brokenness,  prevents us from repeating this pattern of unhealthy relationships that would leave us, broken hearted.

It takes work to heal our cracks.  The first step in coaching is to identify how you became, broken, and then replace your subconscious programming with a new program similar to writing over a CD disk.

 

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How to heal the, Broken Hearted

  1. Acknowledge that you are, broken
  2. Follow the pain – pay attention to where it hurts
  3. Trust outside eyes. Have close trusted friends to tell you what they see. This can also be a, life coach, who can uncover your blind spots.
  4. Allow love to mold you like the potter molds clay.
  5. Pray and meditate on the fruits of the spirit, peace, joy, love

Here is a story on, How we become broken, and the process of healing.

Arifah – In my years of practice, I obviously had a lot of opportunities to engage young people who have expressed feeling, broken, based on their lived experiences or their adverse childhood experiences.  As we talked about earlier in the segment, those experiences impact how they view themselves,  how they show up in relationships, in their place within society or their environments.

I recall speaking with this young woman who shared witnessing domestic abuse at home.  She actually found her mother's body when she came home from school one day. She was then placed into the foster care system.  At 18 years old having nowhere to go, she was placed into a shelter.  I remember her telling me that she really struggled with her identity and her self-esteem.  She harbored resentment towards her family because nobody had come to claim her in Foster care which magnified her, brokenness.

In her late teens she became pregnant and wanted to connect with her family; because she was starting to feel isolated and she wanted her child to know more about her family history. But she faced rejection once more. She decided that it was all up to her, to make a difference in her child's life.

She then stared setting small goals for herself and accomplishing them.  That started building her self-esteem until she recovered from her, brokenness. She became more engaged in her community and connected with other single mothers. She stopped blaming others or comparing herself to others and continued her healing process.

She decided to develop a plan with a network of positive healthy people. Eventually  she stopped defining herself as, broken, because she realized that she really could make a difference in the life of her child. It was all up to her, no one else.  Like the analogy of the broken vase, she couldn’t hold self-esteem, or self-worth, as a broken vessel, everything leaked out. When she became whole everything stayed in.  That is, how to heal your brokenness,

Free Download: Out of the Snares, How to Heal your Brokenness
Out of the Snares

As a gift to my radio and podcast audience and you my Blog readers, I want to give you a FREE COPY of my book Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement.

My purpose in writing this book was to share with my readers the power of intention as the energy in my life. This book is my testimony on how I overcame my, brokenness.

All my life I have been called lucky; but there is no such thing as luck just positive energy and preparation.

As women we sometimes fail because we are always working; but not On their lives. We instead work in our lives. To succeed your commitment to your own personal growth must parallel your commitment to building remarkable lives for yourself and your children.

After you read my book and become inspired by my story of success after starting out with nothing and healing my, brokenness, I would like to Help you get off the starting block with the most unbelievable coaching offer ever made!

If you are interested in doing something remarkable with your life and escape the Snares of failure from, broken relationships, broken marriages,  by moving your dreams from your head into your hands, then download your FREE book and purchase my coaching package.

You will never get a better chance to invest in you. I believe that you are worth it. Don't you?

To reach out to Arifah Yusaf at Lifted by Purpose head over to her web site https://liftedbypurpose.com/

Remember to download and subscribe on your favorite podcast player, iTunes, Spotify, Soundcloud, Google Play, iHeart radio

Additional Resources:

The Weight of the Cape: Why Am I Afraid to be Broken?

https://myhelps.us/personal-development-podcast/

http://blog.myhelps.us/become-life-coach/

http://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-become-lifted-by-your-purpose/

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

 

No fear, How do we say goodbye to Fear and live with courage?

What is fear? The first thing we must realize is that FEAR is False evidence appearing real.

Fear is an energy. Created totally in our minds. The energy of fear is powerful.  It can change the quality of lives.

A few years back, I had a guest in my home. When it was time for her to leave, it was dark and she refused to walk out the front door because she was afraid of Frogs jumping on her foot. Now, I have never seen a Frog in my front yard and neither had she; but she must have had an experience of a Frog jumping on her foot and it had traumatized her. So now every time she walks in a yard at dark, she was afraid of Frogs. How can we live with, no fear?

Now this is an example of a trivial fear but ask yourself. Is fear affecting the quality of your life? What would life be like if you had, no fear?

The problem with fear is that it is the bottom feeder of all emotions, that means that if you have fear in your heart you can’t have:

  • Love,
  • Happiness,
  • Feelings of belonging,
  • Self-reliance,
  • Self-control,
  • Initiative,
  • Ambition,
  • Enthusiasm,
  • or Certainty.

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  • The most common appearances of fear in the, African American Community, are:
  • Fear of poverty
  • Fear of criticism
  • Fear of ill health
  • Fear of loss of love
  • Fear of old age
  • Fear of death

Today Arifah and I are going to look at how Fear shows up in African American families and how it prevents us from living a life of purpose and abundance.

Here are the symptoms of the, Fear of poverty:

  • Willingness to tolerate poverty
  • Acceptance of whatever compensation that life offers without protest.
  • Mental and physical laziness
  • Lack of initiative
  • Lack of imagination
  • Indecision
  • The habit of permitting others to think for you
  • Sitting on the fence of indecision
  • Excuses for not taking initiative
  • Excuses for failures
  • Envy of those who are successful
  • Finding fault with others who are successful

My co-host is Arifah Yusuf, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.

Here are Arifah's experience in working with youth and dealing with, No Fear, Living with Courage

In my experience working with young people, majority of children and youth live with anxiety.   The anxiety impacts their relationships to function in socially and or academically.  As well, how they view themselves and their ability to complete tasks or take risks.  Common signs of an anxiety disorder in youth I noticed are:

  • Constantly worrying about grades
  • Always trying to be perfect / Being afraid to make mistakes
  • Not sleeping well
  • Difficulty managing daily tasks and/or distress related to these tasks.
  • Anxious predictions – Worrying about something horrible happening (ie. Being embarrassed or humiliated)
  • Anxious thoughts “ I’m out of control, I can’t do this”
  • Avoiding friends or social situations and activities
  • Being afraid of speaking up and asking questions in class
  • Blanking out or freezing up in stressful situation
  • Safety behaviors (habits to minimize anxiety and feel “safer,” e.g., always travelling with a friend or have cell phone in their hand)
  • Excessive physical reactions relative to the context (e.g., heart racing and feeling short of breath in response to certain spaces or when they see certain individuals)

Anxiety is the most common disorder in Canada.  2.6% of Canadians aged 15 and older reported symptoms consistent with generalized anxiety disorder, an anxiety disorder characterized by a pattern of frequent, persistent worry and excessive anxiety about several events or activities.

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada, “the 12 month prevalence for any anxiety disorder is over 12% and one in four Canadians (25%) will have at least one anxiety disorder in their lifetime”.

Seven Major types of Anxiety Disorders:

  • Agoraphobia,
  • generalized anxiety,
  • specific phobia,
  • panic disorder,
  • social anxiety
  • separation anxiety
  • selective Mutism.

(ie. Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure, and relaxed)

Other Anxiety Disorders:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders (obsessive-compulsive disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, hoarding disorder, trichotillomania, and excoriation disorder).

Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders(reactive attachment disorder, dis-inhibited social engagement disorder, PTSD, acute stress disorder, and adjustment disorder).

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No Fear, means Living with Courage: How do we define courage?

Aristotle believed courage to be the most important quality in a man or woman. “Courage is the first of human virtues because it makes all others possible,”

How do you build your courage character?

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  1. Practice courageous acts.

To build a courageous character, with, no fear, the muscle of courage must be continually strengthened. Aristotle, the ancient philosopher who focused most on courage, said that we develop courage by performing courageous acts. Recent psychological research also suggests that courage is an ethical habit that we develop by repeatedly practicing acts of bravery.

Let me share a personal story with you, that helped me develop courage and have, no fear.

Years ago I was living in the United States as a temporary resident as a Canadian Citizen.  I was married and my husband sponsored me and applied for me to become a permanent resident. Before my application was finalized, My brother was getting married in Toronto, Canada and I just upped and left the country for the weekend to attend my brothers wedding.

When I tried to return to the USA, a few days later, border patrol  asked me for my Advance Parole documents.  I told them I never applied for Advanced Parole.  This is a document that gives you permission to leave the country while you have a pending application.   The border patrol told me that I had voluntarily abandoned my application by leaving the country and that my husband had to apply again.  He also told me I would have to stay in Canada for approximately 2 years while my new application was processed. To date that was one of my darkest days!

Then because he knew that as a Canadian Citizen, I could come back into the country at any time as a visitor, he added that if I tried to sneak back into the country as a visitor and I got caught, I would get a 10 year ban from entering the United states.

I returned back to Canada, and for a week I weighed all my options. I had a husband in the USA, my daughter was in school in the USA, I had a good job in the USA.  I decided I had to take the risk of returning to the USA as a Canadian visitor.

So I strapped on some courage, and made myself have, no fear, rented a car and drove myself over the border alone because I did not want to implicate any of my family members.

I drove up to the border patrol with, no fear, and as calmly and as courageous as a dove, I told him that I was going to Buffalo to pick up my husband from the airport.  He asked me if I had anything to declare, I said no and he  and waved me through!

I would tell you that after that incident, I look fear in the face every time and do it anyway. That is how I started to build my courage muscle having, no fear.

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Arifah, do you have a story to share of a time you had to look fear in the eye but do it anyway?

This is a good time to introduce a question I received on my Life coach group on Facebook. I would like for my listeners to join that group.  It is a forum to ask questions regarding your current struggles and get answers from me and the group.

This is a question from Mari: How do I have, no fear, to stop bullying

I really need some advice, I have a lot on my plate right now. I lost the love of my life. In December and since I moved in with my dad and brother I have been picking up after them. Folding their clothes. And they make me out to be their maid. I have paid money to have the house clean and it gets messy by the second day. Now since I’ve moved here my brother has been bullying me. He calls me little girl. Saying I’ll never make it on my own. Saying he feels sorry for me. Calls me a retard. Saying I act like a 12 year old. Says I don’t clean up after myself when I have been picking up after them both. Saying I’m a bitch. Calls me dumb ass. The list goes on but I’m trying to get an apartment and I don’t wish nothing bad on him but If he will ever be homeless I’m not going to put up with this. I thought of suicide but hell no!!! I’m just tired of him bullying me.

Arifah, what advice would you give Mari?

As a Life Coach, here are my steps for having, no fear, and building courage.

Exercise and meditation both have the power to lower stress levels and reduce feelings of depression and anxiety, which could help you to act more courageously in the face of challenges.

This is a meditation practice  I use every day to  build my courage character. It is from the Tibethan Monk Dandipanni

  • Sit quietly and start witnessing your breathe
  • Be aware of the air as it enters your nostrils and follow it all the way down to your belly.
  • Hold your breathe for a few seconds and then breathe out, once again follow your breathe as it exits your nostrils.
  • Do this for 3 breaths
  • Now become aware of your feet on the ground. Focus your attention on your big toe on your left foot. Feel the energy in your left toe as it becomes warm. Now keep your attention on your left foot and feel the energy as it climbs through your feet, ankles, calf, knees, quads, hips. Move this energy into your spine and hold it there.
  • Repeat this with your right foot, left arm and then right arm.
  • Hold the energy that you directed from all your limbs into your spine and now think about a courageous act. I think of the courageous act I just shared with you.  Your energy body is now infused with courage.
  • Now send this energy back to your right arm, left arm, right foot and left foot.

This is how you build your courageous body and have, no fear!

Additional Resources:

http://blog.myhelps.us/principle-4-have-a-positive-mind-set/

http://blog.myhelps.us/who-is-tending-your-mind-garden/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/conquering-fear_n_3909020

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/05/22/nothing-to-fear-how-to-find-courage-when-you-need-it-most/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.43ce47fdd4e3

How to be Happy: The Happiness Formula

The happiness formula

Are you Happy? Today Dr Ahia, Psychologist and I discuss, How to be Happy. Their is a mathematical formula for, happiness. H=S +C + V i.e. means Your happiness is based on your set point.  What are the conditions that make you happy. Are you choosing to make the voluntary choices to make to be happy.

The, happiness formula, is a mathematical equation on, how to be happy.

  • What does it take to be happy?
  • To answer that question you have to understand your blueprint for, happiness.
  • Your blueprint is the story you have in your head about how life is supposed to be.
  • The most popular archetype is the blueprint that says you have to be successful to find, happiness.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Here is a Test to see your Capacity for, Happiness:

  • What is an area in your life that you feel happy about?
  • Then ask yourself, why are you happy with that area?
  • You could find, happiness,  in your body, your marriage, your career, your friends, your finances, your kids, your relationship with God etc.
  • If your Life Conditions or LC match your blueprint for, happiness, you will find, happiness,  in this area.

Let's pick an easy one to see, how to be happy, I am sure you know people who are happy with being overweight.

They find, happiness, with their body because their blueprint says,  Big is Beautiful.   They love being Big.  You may also know someone who is a twig and they feel fat. You become unhappy with your body when you step on the scale and it is different than your blueprint for, happiness, with your weight or body.

  • While you are in this space you can also get clarity on why you are Unhappy with some areas of your life.
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The Happiness Formula, How to be Happy

  • Happiness, is defined as a feeling of contentment, that life is as it should be. Perfect, happiness, comes when you have all your needs met according to your blueprint of what life should be.

 

  • Here is the formula for, Happiness

  • H=S +C + V
  • Happiness is “H”
  • S – Set point or genetic capacity for happiness
  • C- Conditions or circumstances of living
  • V – Voluntary choices

 

  • Your Set point or core belief is both genetic and environmental. Do you see life as an opportunity or do you see life as a problem?
  • Your set point for, happiness, is determined in the first 3 years of life by parents or caretakers. Your neurons mirror your parents. If your parents were always criticizing each other or playing the victim; that's what you grow up to be. A critical person always seeing the glass as half empty instead of half full. You feel victimized by life. You blame the system for your lack of, happiness, in life. You feel you were born on the other side of the tracks.
  • On the other hand If your parents were happy, then you grew up thinking that life is a place for service and to look for the silver lining under every cloud. Never being the victim because victims have no power. Your set point on, how to be happy, if pretty high.

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Can you find, Happiness?

  • Your set point represents 50% of your, happiness, so if you have a negative set point, you are always fighting an uphill battle.
  • Fortunately, your set point for, happiness, can be changed  through therapy?
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The second factor in the, Happiness Formula is your capacity for happiness or your Life Conditions “C”

  • C = Conditions of living – conditions of living represents 10 -12% of your, happiness. For example If you are extremely poor you can't be happy because your basic needs are not being met and your poverty becomes a source of stress.
  • There is a movie I saw years ago called the, Happiness, movie. It showcased people in India living in very poor conditions, earning something like $100 per year and they found, happiness.
  • How to be happy,  they had love, they had family and since poverty is what they knew from birth, their blueprint for, happiness,  was different than someone born into wealth.
  • Do you know poor people who are happy? I am sure you do.
  • When your Life conditions don't match your blueprint that is when you suffer. Stress, depression, substance abuse this is the doorway they enter from. Not always but most times.

 

The next leg on, How to be Happy,  is “V”

  • V = Voluntary Choices. These are the choices you make every day =these choices represent 40% of your, happiness.
  • If your choices are all about personal pleasure then your, happiness, will be transient.
  • In the US the #1 choice for personal pleasure is shopping
  • #2 is alcohol and  food
  • # 3 sex
  • When you make choices for personal pleasure your, happiness, lasts a few days or a few months at best. If you are trying to find, happiness, by acquiring things like cars, clothes, houses, jewelry.  The, happiness, lasts a few weeks or at best 6 months then it is no longer a source of joy.
  • This is the same for alcohol, food, drugs, sex.
  • Lasting, Happiness, does not come from external sources.
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  • If you are suffering in your marriage, your relationships, or anything other than your health, you can change your blueprint and find, happiness. If you feel you have no control to change your Life conditions, that is when there is pain.
  • You can change your set point through meditation and expanding your consciousness.
  • If you don't like your conditions of living or your body, change it. It is in your control. If you don't want to change your conditions then you must change your blueprint.
  • When I first got married my husband and I fought constantly. We had different blueprints of what marriage was supposed to be. We are still together today because we both changed our blueprints. Most couples end up in divorce court because they refuse to change their blueprint of what it take to find, happiness, in a marriage or after a divorce. 
  • Instead of making the choice of personal pleasure, spend your money or time on experiences like vacations, adventure, entertainment, being social with friends etc. Creating Good memories make you happy.
  • The fastest way to, happiness, is to give others attention, appreciation, acknowledgment, affection, or acceptance.
  • Before you make choices, ask yourself would this choice make me happy? Will it make others happy? You cannot find, happiness, making others unhappy.
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Additional Resources The Happiness Formula

How to Heal Your Brokenness

Understanding How to Use Reiki Energy for Mind and Body

http://blog.myhelps.us/the-secret-to-living-the-life-of-your-dreams/

Positive Psychology and the Science of Happiness

 

 

How to Build your Self-Confidence Muscle

So What is, self- confidence? How do we define, self- confidence, and what does it look like?

Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.

Today's episode is supported by Columbus Financial.  Are you in a deep hole of “Financial Depression” with nowhere to turn for help? Constantly being harassed by collection agencies? Then visit Columbus Financial and success coach. www.columbusfinancialcoach.com

In Today's #podcast  Arifah and I are talking on the topic of How to build, Self-confidence, we want to  shed some light on one of the top struggles of , African American women,  self-confidence,

In the co-host chair today is registered, social worker and mental health counselor, Ms Arifah Yusuf.

What is Self-Confidence?

The most important thing to remember about, self- confidence, is that we were born with it. It is our natural state.

How many of you remember your play days as kids? As a child I was always the doctor or teacher.

Boys have no fear. They would climb to the tallest point in their home, put on a cape and jump! They were Superman!

So I would define, self- confidence, as certainty. Confident and certain that you are able to handle your job, your family, social events and personal relationships.

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How do you build, self-confidence?

Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.

But a large percentage of, African American women,  and men suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, because of negative input from parents, peers, and loved ones.

Usually centered on their intellect, the color of their skin, their hair, their lips, their butt, the section of town they live, their lack of designer clothing, and the list goes on.

It is important to note that lack of, self-confidence, always comes from negative comments that you believe. If you don't let these negative comments in, they will never take root and grow.

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Here is a story showcasing how a lack of, self-confidence,  usually starts.

A surgeon opened his office one day and found a tall black man in the waiting room. He was six feet four inches tall and towered over the surgeon. He complained about his lip. You see his underlip protruded out from his top lip. His girlfriend told him she was ashamed to be seen in public with him because of his ugly lip; so he came to the surgeon to get it fixed.

The surgeon told him there was nothing wrong with his lip, it was just a minor protrusion. The black man insisted on getting it fixed; so the surgeon gave him an outrageous price of $1200 hoping he would go away.

He did, he said that he didn't have that kind of money. But lo and behold, he came back the next day with a little black bag in his hand. He dumped the contents on the table. Bills poured out, his life savings; $1200 worth!

The doctor was shocked. He didn't want to deprive the man of his life savings so he made him an offer. He agreed to do the surgery for a smaller fee on the condition that he tell his lady love that he paid $1200 for the surgery.

The operation was simple enough and one week later all the bandages came off and the man had a smaller lip he was proud of. All the surgery was done inside the lip so he had no visible scars except for a small scar inside the lip. The man was happy, he strode from the doctor’s office full of, self-confidence, A commanding figure. Tall, black and proud.

However a few weeks later he was back in the surgeon’s  office. His body seemed to have shrunk, his hands lost their strength, his voice squeaked. The doctor asked him what happened to him.

He said “the African Bug, sir. It got me and it's killing me”

He told the doctor after he removed the bandages he went to see his lady love. She loved his lip and asked him how much he paid for the surgery.  When he told her $1200, she became enraged and cursed him saying she could have used that $1200 and accused him of hiding the money from her. She cursed him and told him he would die.

Deeply troubled and hurt, the man laid in his bed for 4 days worrying  about this curse that was going to kill him. Then running his tongue around, he discovered the horrible thing inside his mouth. He went to see a medical doctor who checked his mouth and confirmed that “the slimy African bug was stuck inside his mouth and it was indeed killing him.

The surgeon looked at this diminished and fearful man and asked him “Is it really in your mouth?”

“Yes sir,” the man said “the doctor tried to help get rid of it with liquids, pastes and potions – but nothing worked. The curse is too strong”. It’s burned inside my lip.

“Your lip?”

“Yes sir” the man said

“You didn't say lip before”

The doctor ran his finger at the back of the man's lip and told the disbelieving man that “the bug” was no more than scar tissue from his surgery.

The disbelieving man looked up in wonder and asked “then there is no African bug?”

The man stood up. Instantly he seemed to have regained his full height and strength. A rich smile spread over his face and his voice boomed out again. His, self-confidence, had returned.

The moral of this story is that you can’t get your, self-confidence, from other people. You have to take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses and deal with them on your own terms.

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Let's bring Arifah into this, self-confidence, conversation. Arifah is a, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health issues. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.

Arifah I am sure that a large population of your clients suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, Why do you think that is?

I think there are many reasons young people lack, self-confidence, I often work with young people who experienced unhappy childhoods or maybe their parents neglected them in some way or they weren't involved much in their lives.

Also I'd say lack of, self -confidence, sometimes comes from negative input from teachers or authority figures in their lives. Sometimes teachers have a way of saying things that discourage young people.  Making them feel inadequate made and like they couldn't be successful.  That kind of influenced how they feel about themselves and their, self-confidence, I'd also say young people who have experienced trauma or bullying from their peers can obviously influence their, self-confidence,

I believe that when young people don't value themselves and sometimes that comes from people not validating them, they often lack, self-confidence,

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How to Build Your Self-Confidence through Courageous acts

As a, life coach, I believe that Courage is a byproduct of, self confidence,

It takes courage to walk up on stage and speak to an audience large or small.

It takes courage to call that guy you like and ask him out.

It takes courage to go into that interview even though you have no idea what you are going to say.

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So how do you make yourself, Face the Fear, but do it anyway?

Tell yourself that it is not going to kill you.

My grandmother used to say “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger”

And that's exactly what, Feeling the fear but doing it anyway does for you. It makes you stronger, it builds your, self-confidence, muscle because even if you bombed you got practice and practice also makes perfect!

Here are my steps to build your, self-confidence, muscle on public speaking or doing a presentation at work.

  1. You can start by writing out your speech word for word and just read it
  2. Then as you get more, self- confidence, and your brain recorded that you did not die, you weren't booed off the stage, nobody laughed at you.
  3. So the next step is to write out the headlines and speak from the heart on your headlines
  4. Sooner or later you will have, self- confidence, muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Tony Robbins and command the attention of the audience.

Arifah What are your steps to building the, self-confidence, muscle?

I find that it  wasn't only their, self-confidence muscle,  that needed to be built up, it was their self-worth,  it was a whole bunch of things there was all built into the one thing.  If we were to put a label on it,  it would be that we're not enough.

You would not believe how many people feel that they are not enough;  even the most successful

people like, Michelle Obama, in her book “Becoming Michelle Obama” felt that she wasn't good enough.  Why did she feel that way?  Because she was black and from the south side of Chicago!

As, African American women,  we have got a lot of things that we have to deal with, we just have to believe that we are all born with purpose and with the love of God.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GetiPNOx9dU

I have seven steps that I use to help my clients gain, self-confidence:

  1. Self-reflection – every time I meet with them, I allow them to self-reflect on their day self-reflect on things that were happening in their lives with gratitude.
  2. Acknowledgement and self-acceptance – what makes them unique because everybody is unique.
  3. Positive reinforcement – praising their effort and not obsessing over mistakes.
  4. Mastering a skill – I had the girls work on a project. They created their own YouTube video. Everyone mastered a skill in the production of the video.
  5. Communication skills – I do a lot of exercises around different forms of communication. Assertiveness,  passive, passive aggressive etc.
  6. Positive self-talk and affirmations – paying attention to their internal dialogue
  7. Pay it forward – giving back helps build, self-confidence,

To listen to the full Podcast audio, download on your favorite podcast player.

Download on the following podcast players and please remember to subscribe, rate and review if you found this content helpful.

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Additional Resources:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyburnford/2019/01/08/confidence-one-more-muscle-to-exercise-this-year/

 

Are the 5 Stages of Grief a Myth?

myth 5 stages of grief

Krista St-Germain watched her husband killed by a drunk driver as he was changing her flat tire at the side of the road. After she was able to uncurl herself from the fetal position, she started working on the journey of post traumatic growth and became a Master certified coach to help other widows how to deal with,  grief, and debunk the myth of the, 5 stages of grief.

Download the podcast here: 

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Bio

Krista St-Germain is a Master Certified Life Coach, Post-Traumatic Growth and grief expert, widow, mom and host of The Widowed Mom Podcast. When her husband was killed by a drunk driver in 2016, Krista’s life was completely and unexpectedly flipped upside down. After therapy helped her uncurl from the fetal position, Krista discovered Life Coaching, Post Traumatic Growth, and learned the tools she needed to move forward and create a future she could get excited about. Now she coaches and teaches other, widows, so they can love life again, too.

Myrna: Can you share your story of your, grief, following your husband’s death.

Krista: I was 40 When my husband died, it was my second marriage. My first one did not end all that well. And my second marriage was to me proof that amazing relationships are possible that you can be treated with respect and cherished. He was a lovely man who's French Canadian. English was his second language, and we worked together.

The day the accident happened we had been on a trip, but we had driven separately. I had a flat tire on the way back we were almost back to my home city, so I pulled over on the side of the road, and he pulled up behind me in his car. And even though we had AAA service, he just didn't want to wait on AAA to come, he just wanted to get home.

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My grief was caused by a drunk driver

So, I'm standing on the side of the road texting my daughter who was 12 at the time to tell her that we would be a little bit late. And he's digging in my trunk, essentially his car's parked behind my car. He's trying to get access to the spare tire, and its daylight 5.30 pm on a Sunday and a driver who we later found out had meth and alcohol in his system, did not see our hazard lights and just crashed into the back of Hugo's car and trapped him in between his car and my car. And you know within 24 hours he was gone.

So, I went from having this amazing marriage and life to thinking that I would probably never be that happy again. And that I should just be grateful for what I had, because if it wasn't going to be what it once was. First, I made a call to my therapist and I still had a therapist who had been very supportive and helpful to me when I had gotten my divorce. So I went back to her and I spent those early weeks of, grief, just letting myself feel the pain. And it really helped to be able to talk about my, grief, with her.

There are, 5 stages of grief, and in the first stage, the brain goes through which I didn't know at the time, but I understand now. The brain literally encodes “WE” so when you're in a significant relationship, the brain makes a move from I to “WE” and so it has to then make that rewire itself essentially over time and move back from “We” to I. But while you're in this weird place in your brain, you don't feel exactly the same. Sometimes you kind of question yourself because you know intellectually that they died.

You still expect that they didn't. One of the, five stages of grief, is denial. So, the garage door goes up and you still expect they will come in the door. You reach over in the middle of the night and you still expect that they will be there.  Something happens and you pick up your phone and you attempt to text them. And so therapy was just really helpful to be able to talk that through with someone and say it as many times as I needed to say it and just let my brain adjust to the actual fact that he really had died and this really wasn't a bad dream that I was going to wake up from.

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Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast
Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast

Hitting a grief plateau in the 5 stages of grief

After I went back to work, I kind of reached the place where a few months in I felt stagnant. Therapists was telling me I was doing a great job. This is what I now call it, grief plateau. I didn't have a word for it then. But that's where all of my clients get stuck. In this place where everyone else has gone back to normal living. You look like you're fine because you're handling the day-to-day tasks of life.  You look like you're doing okay. And so, everyone's telling you that you're strong because they think you are and that you're doing so great because it looks like you are but then on the inside you don't feel great on the inside.

Life is this kind of empty and maybe hollow and maybe robotic and it's just you go through the motions but there's not a lot of joy inside. And that's kind of where I found myself. And thankfully at that moment in time. We could call it a few things right, but it was divine timing in my opinion. That right when I really needed it and was ready for it. A coaching program came to me and it was a brand-new coaching program from a coach I had followed for a long time.  It was not, grief, related, but I had listened to her podcast and I trusted her. And what she taught really resonated with me. And so I decided to go ahead and take the leap of faith and do her program.

Even though it wasn't, grief, related, it was the tools and the things that she taught me about how to how to deal with my, emotions. And how to think about about my future. It took me from a place where I really did believe that my best days were behind me to the possibility that I could believe my best days were in front of me if I wanted and it was just really powerful.

And so, I decided, as do many people when you lose something or someone important to you, you kind of start doing an inventory on how you're living your life. One of the, 5 stages of grief, is bargaining  so, you start asking yourself, am I am I living the way that I want to live? And the answer for me was no.  I didn't I love the people that I worked with, I didn’t love my job, we built planes.  I was never inspired.

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The grief journey is long that is why the 5 stages of grief is a myth

Myrna: I understand the, grief, journey is long. My daughter will call me up and say, Mom, and it's not getting any better and the days are still long and I can't wait to get through them.

Krista: Yeah, I remember that so well, too. And I see it so often in the women that I coach. It's almost that when the world is the quietest, like evenings or weekends, it's when you sit down and you stop working. That tends to be the moments that we dread the most because that's when our brain starts to offer us some really challenging thoughts.

That's when my brain would offer me you know, you should probably just be grateful because it's really never it's never going to be that good again. Or, no one's really ever gonna love you like he did. No one's going to accept your shadows and all of your humaneness like he did.

I think there is opportunity there, to open ourselves up to what's really happening in that moment. The, stages of grief, are all emotions and we were never taught how to deal with feelings and emotions.  Nobody ever said, emotions, aren't problems for you to solve. They're just experiences for you to allow. What I was taught was you know, if you're gonna cry, should probably go to your bedroom, you should probably do that alone. So in the, 5 stages of grief, you are supposed to get to, acceptance, but that is a myth.

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5 stages of grief: Anger

One of the, 5 stages of grief, is anger. But we were taught that if you're angry, that means that something bad, you're an angry person and we and maybe that means you shouldn't be angry. And so I very much thought of, emotions, as problems to solve.  I have learned that it is that philosophy that that makes those moments so awful. Feeling the, emotions, of, grief, makes us want to get out of our current experience and turn to something for comfort. It makes us want to turn to food or it makes us want to turn to alcohol or to shopping or to any distraction such as social media scrolling, it just really makes us want to get away.

Because we don't have any other, coping mechanism, it really starts to kind of shrink what's possible for us emotionally. So, we might be able to escape that intense loneliness with whatever the behavior is that we're choosing, but then conversely, limit what's possible for us in terms of taking advantage of new opportunities and figuring out what we want to think about ourselves or where we want to go next. So, we end up in this very kind of stagnant place. I call it the, emotional stagnation, zone where we've we're numbing out a little bit.

Myrna: Do you teach your clients to just sit and feel there, grief? Because a lot of coaches and luminaries such as Sadhguru and all these luminaries, teach that you've got to feel the uncomfortable emotions. Don't try to do to try to get rid of them. Just sit with them and let them move through you. So sitting with the, anger, is good.

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Using the NOW Acronym to handle grief

Krista: I do teach them to sit with their, emotions.  I use an acronym called NOW, which I find is very easy to remember.

  • N – and it simply stands for name. So, you've just named the, emotions, in the, 5 stages of grief. So this is, anger, this is loneliness, this is denial etc.
  • O – stands for Open which means open up to it, which is completely the opposite of what you will want to do. Right? But breathe it in, open your shoulders, open your chest, give it permission to be with you, and then witness your feelings of, grief.
  • W – Is to witness. Become aware, witness just means watch what's happening in your body. How are the emotions of, grief, showing up in your body. Where in your body do you notice it? Is it in your throat? Is it in your chest? Is it in your abdomen? Where is it and what is it like? Is it fast? Is it slow? Does it have a texture? Does it have a color, does it have a shape? Does it take up a little amount of space? Or is it a large amount of space? You know what actually is it and then by observing it, we get our mind off of the thoughts that created it in the first place.

Then it just flows through and once you get good at it, what I found is that it really only takes a couple of minutes for an, emotion, to flow through and so I teach it that way. And then also I don't know about you, I love, Emotional Freedom Technique tapping. So, I teach my clients about that too. I have found great value in that over my lifetime and it helps move, widows, through the, 5 stages of grief.

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TuneIn Radio

Tapping gives us relief from the painful emotions of grief

Myrna: I just got introduced to, EFT tapping. Do you tap on the head?

Krista: Tapping, it's a very flexible tool. So sometimes you can get great relief simply by, tapping, on the side of your hand, which some people will call the, karate chop point, and then also on the collarbone those are the points that if I am just looking for immediate relief, from my, grief, emotions, that I tap.

If I'm in a public situation where I don't really want it to be all that noticeable, I'll tap on those spots, but if you're going through the full, tapping, regime, they're the, karate chop point, and then eight other points make up what they call the basic recipe. And so, but it's just it's kind of like an off switch to you’re your, stress response, so your cortisol drops. You can breathe a little bit deeper, but I do see it as a huge opportunity.

Myrna; I haven't had anyone in the show talking about, tapping, but I've read a lot of books and a lot of therapist’s touch on it. And recently, I was going through a meditative process. And one of the things that I was told is tap on your collarbone and also tap on the top of your head to certain parts of your head.

All right now you one of the things that you teach is that you said that the, Stages of Grief, are a myth. And I think one of the stages we were probably talking about what are the stages there when you said you're in a kind of dead zone.  Can you talk about the traditional, 5 stages of grief. Then we can talk about the myths. I know one of the, 5 stages of grief, is anger; one of them is denial.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

The myth of the 5 stages of Grief

Krista: Yeah, first of all, I think it's interesting when I asked this question, if I asked people how, you know how many of you knew about the, five stages of grief, or had heard of the, five stages of grief? Most people raise their hands. And then if I ask what other, grief theories, have you heard of? I usually don't get much people don't they've never heard of anything besides the, five stages of grief. And so, I think it's just important for us to know that as with any field of study, there are multiple theories.

The, five stages of grief, is just one of the older ones and one that seems to have caught on in terms of our popular culture. So, there are many other ways of looking at, grief, besides the five stages. And I also have a lot of respect for Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who, pioneered that work in her time. She made conversations about, grief, happen at a time when they really weren't happening. But her approach was never really intended to be it. She never really intended anyone to take her work and make it as literal as people made it right.

So, what she was doing was studying initially hospice patients. She was studying people who were coming to terms with their own mortality. She was not studying people who had lost someone.

The Five stages of grief:
  • denial,
  • anger
  • bargaining,
  • depression,
  • acceptance,

Those were the, five stages of grief,  that she saw happening with death and dying and then on, grief, and grieving along with David Kessler, and that work was taken and misinterpreted. So really, I think, if she were here today what she would be more likely to say is something along the lines of these are things you might experience, but you don't need to experience them in any particular order. You are not trying to get to an end point; grief, doesn't end.

She was not trying to say that we should all be shooting for, acceptance of grief, and then whenever we reach the point of, acceptance, that somehow that's a fixed and finite place. She wasn't saying that, that's what people have heard. And that's the boxes that they tried to put themselves in as well that they will come to me and they will say things like well, am I angry enough? Or I'm not sure that I ever felt angry. It's not a problem. Did I do something wrong? Am I doing, grief, wrong? Because I never really felt angry. And instead of taking it as, as a starting point, a way of normalizing what could happen we've turned it into something prescriptive, which was never how I think that work was intended.

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast
Podbean

5 stages of grief: Denial

Myrna: You mentioned that you would be in bed and you're be looking over for your husband and when you heard the garage door open you would hope it was him. Isn’t that, denial?  Some people do get angry thinking what why did this happen? A lot of people get angry at God because they're thinking why would God do this to me? So, I'm thinking that, even though the, stages of grief, is not prescriptive, it's understanding that if you feel these, emotions, then there's nothing wrong with you because it's natural.

I would think that we always have to get to a place of, acceptance. I talked to you about my daughter when she went through, grief, because her fiancé, the man that she loved, committed suicide and she had some guilt there. Because they had a fight before he committed suicide so, she felt that she was responsible. But now she's happily married. So, at some point in time, she had to get through the, five stages of grief. I don't know if she was ever angry, but guessing she got to, acceptance.

Krista: I think anytime we can tell people that what they're experiencing is an abnormal that is not in service. And so, I'm imagining that it was rather freeing for people to hear that it was okay to be angry, but that didn't mean there was anything wrong with them if they were angry, right. So, I do think that is helpful.

And I do think it's also helpful to offer someone what might be available to them when they feel or think in ways that create, acceptance. But I think we want to be careful of saying that when we get to, acceptance, grief ends.  And that's, that's my issue with, acceptance. We might accept something. But that doesn't mean that because we have accepted it, we are now somehow freed of it.

Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

What is the goal of grief?

The goal of, grief, is not to get through it. The goal of, grief, is to integrate. Right? Because we can't undo the loss. We're not capable of time travel. So, we're always going to have thoughts and feelings about the loss. And so, we never get to the end of, grief, or we don't move on from, grief. We move forward with, grief, and we integrate that part of our life experience into the rest of our life, right? It becomes something that we now see the world through. So, what I want to help people do is just to do that with intention.

I try to help people with is to, to open them up to the idea that everything they have, everything they need is already has been given to them and is within them. Right? And that they really their happiness comes from within. And so, if they can find that truth in themselves and realize that they really are, you know, fully intact and valuable and worthy and wonderful and they don't need anything outside of them, then if they do choose to be in a partner relationship that experience can become about giving. Right about being filled with love, and then finding someone who you want to give that love to, as opposed to what they often feel, which is the opposite is that they have a hole and they're trying to find someone to fill it

Myrna; So that's amazing. So yeah, so the cure is the same cure for everything. I love it. All right, so now, tell us about the Widowed Mom’s podcast and talk to us about your coaching program for helping widows.

Conclusion

Krista: If you have you have people listening who are podcast listeners. If they want to learn about, grief, I very much invite them to listen to the Widowed Mom podcast. It's pretty specific, but I get a lot of feedback that it's very helpful for people who are just curious about, grief, and curious about post traumatic growth and maybe want to support someone that they love who's experiencing, grief.

And then the program that I run is highly niche right. I specifically work with, widowed moms, moms of all ages. Some of my moms have grandchildren, right? It's not just widows with very young children, but women who identify as moms, and I help them figure out how to get through that, grief plateau, and get to a place where they really do love life again.  I do that and in a six-month program.

They can find it at www.coachingwithkrista.com. Also, if anybody needs help, figuring out what episodes of the podcast would be helpful. I have a podcast quiz that I think is really good to take. and it's at coachingwithKrista.com/grief support, and it's a free quiz. and if you take the quiz, it will point you towards the most useful episodes for you based on what you might be struggling with.

Additional Resources

How Does Grief Affect Mental Health