Can you fix a broken marriage? Laura Doyle best selling author of the Surrendered Wife and the Empowered Wife gives us , marriage advice, on how to get your, husband's, attention and affection.
My guest today is New York Times best-selling author Laura Doyle. Laura is the author of “The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets For Attracting Your Husband's Time Attention and Affection” she’s also a relationship coach and a podcaster.
If you're in any kind of situation right now where you're needing some tips to get through a, bad marriage, and need some, marriage advice, This is the episode for you. Be sure to download and listen to the full audio interview, because I’m understanding the pandemic has put a lot of strain on some, marriages. We're going to be giving you, marriage advice, to get you over the hump.
Download full Interview Here:
Secrets For Attracting Your Husband's Attention Introduction
You know, marriages, are always an, ebb and flow, so if you're in the ebb right now, we want to offer, marriage advice, help you out.
New York Times Bestselling Author Laura Doyle was the perfect wife…until she got married. When she told her husband how to be tidier, more romantic, and more ambitious, he avoided her. So, she dragged him to, marriage counseling, and nearly divorced him.
Laura’s mission today is to offer, marriage advice, to end world, divorce. She is the founder of the international relationship coach training school Laura Doyle Connect, the star of Empowered Wives on Amazon Prime, the Creator of The Ridiculously Happy Wife program, the host of The Empowered Wife Podcast and she has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America and The View.
She has given, marriage advice, to over 15,000 women fix their, relationships–even the hopeless ones– without their husband’s effort. But the thing that Laura is most proud of is her gratifying 31-year marriage with her hilarious husband John, who she says has been dressing himself since before she was born.
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Can a wife fix her broken marriage?
Myrna – Let's dive right in. One of the first questions about, marriage advice, I want to ask you is. How can a, wife, single-handedly bring a boring or broken, marriage, back to life?
Laura – There was a time when I would have been like Hell no, she can’t, because I had been trying myself for years with no success. I read all the books, got tons of, marriage advice, and I did what they said. I dragged my, husband, to, marriage counseling, because I thought well then the, marriage counselor, can fix him and then I will finally be happy!
I told myself, I think that is how it works. I am pretty sure how it works! Of course it didn't work at all. My, husband, and I were having wall-to-wall hostility and cold wars at my house, which is where there's no talking for days and it's just uncomfortable and tense.
You're kind of avoiding each other and it was very painful and lonely. I wanted to have a great relationship with my, husband, so bad, but it just eluded me. I had thought that he was a great guy when I married him, but this is seven, eight, nine years in and I thought I married the wrong guy. In fact, we went to, marriage counseling, for like over a year and spent nine thousand dollars and nothing changed. I remember I was sitting on the, marriage counselors, gray couch when I realized my, marriage, was not gonna work. I’m gonna have to get divorced. My, husband, is never going to change. I'm either going to spend the rest of my life in a, loveless marriage, or else I'm going to have to just move on.
What Marriage advice would you give: Should a wife stay or go?
I decided I would get a, divorce, but, there was just one problem, I was too embarrassed to get a, divorce, because all my relatives and friends had been to the wedding and I didn't want them to know that we were struggling. We would show up at parties after we'd had a big blow up in the car and put on the fake face.
So, I started doing research. I’d been a journalism major in school so, I thought I’m going to get, marriage advice, from other, wives, who have a, happy marriage, for at least at least 15 years; because that seemed like a really long time to be married to me at the time!
I’m going to ask them for, marriage advice, and what their secrets are and then whatever they say, I’m going to do. I'll just experiment with it and if it works great, I’ll keep it and if it doesn't work, I’m going to throw it out.
These married women gave me, marriage advice, I didn't even understand. It didn't make sense to me. I thought they were going to say “You have to pick the right man” but they didn't. They said things like:
- I try never to criticize my husband no matter how much it seems like he deserves it.
- I was like, you got anything else?
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Marriage Advise #1 to have a happy marriage
I was desperate enough to start doing some of the things these, wives, suggested. I remember it was not that long afterwards that I came through the front door from work or somewhere and when my, husband, saw me, face lit up. He was happy to see me!
I thought to myself, something's working, this is working! I got really excited, I got very hopeful. But then not that long afterwards, we were driving down the street in the car and we had another blow up. I was so discouraged, I was hoping this wasn't going to happen anymore, because now I knew what to do. It wasn't that hard, it was just new.
Over time I got the, marriage, I always dreamed. My, husband, went back to making bedroom eyes at me again. He would just grab me at the waist, I’d be passing him in the hall, and he would just pull me in for a kiss! We were laughing together again and now 31 years later, I still get to enjoy my, husband.
Marriage Advice # 2 Make your Husband feel like a man
Myrna – It does feel like a miracle. It turns this is, how to fix a, broken marriage, by changing our behavior towards our, husbands. The first secret is to not criticize our, husband; instead, make your, husband, feel like a man.
Laura – I would say the first secret and , marriage advice, was shocking for me, and I really had a very hard time getting to this, because I think as a woman, I felt like I was doing all the work. I was paying all the bills and doing more housework and I was making more money. We think, why should I do any more work? I'm already doing all the work in this relationship.
A big secret in that most people don't know it is that women are actually the keepers of the relationship.
I mistakenly thought that being angry was gonna make my, husband, see how he should shape up. I thought if I give him the silent treatment or yell at him or even if I’d sit down and nicely tell him all the things he was doing wrong, he will change! It doesn’t work.
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Marriage Advice # 3 Express your desires
Now I’ve learned this little secret which is that if I just express my desires in a way that inspires, I get a completely different response. Eg. I would say “John I would love a clean kitchen right” and the kitchen would be in the same shape that it always was when I would be complaining about it, but this time he would say, “okay I’ll clean it!”
Myrna – That’s interesting that you didn't ask a direct question. I heard that women always think that men are mind readers, and they don't state their desires clearly, they always expect the men to read their minds. Instead of saying this kitchen is a mess, instead ask for help, John can you help me clean the kitchen.
Laura – If you say “John can you help me with the kitchen” maybe that wouldn't work either, because then it's like a direct order and, husbands, don't like orders from their, wives.
Myrna – You are correct. Yet, they say we are the difficult ones!
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Marriage Advice #4 Don't be the boss of your husband
Laura – It's funny that you say that, because I think that's a very common, marriage advice, that you hear. Ask for what you want, but you can come off like his boss or his mother.
Husbands, are not sexually attracted to their mothers.
Their mother probably used to say “take out the trash” or “put your dish in the sink.”
What are some of the intimacy skills you teach in your book?
Myrna – you also talk about six, intimacy skills. What are they?
Laura – The first, marriage advice, to get to, intimacy, is to bring down the boss-like attitude into softness. One of the best, intimacy skills,
that I was pretty excited to learn about was and this is the best, aphrodisiac, on the planet for men and it's free and it works fast! I got this from the other, wives, who were, happily married.
The best, aphrodisiac, on the planet for men is respect. It is like oxygen for men.
I think when people hear, surrendered wife, they think subservient or obedient or whatever, that's not me. I'm a feminist, I'm well educated, I don't do obedient. My opinion counts, but I started to get a superiority complex. I would see my, husband, make a mistake and I'd be like I'm probably better at this. I better show him how to do things.
- I better help him be more ambitious.
- I better help him be more romantic.
- I better help him learn how to load the dishwasher the right way.
Marriage advice # 5 do not disrespect your husband
Like these things are so important! I did not know I was so disrespectful. I was helpful in, wife, language, but disrespectful in, husband, language. So, one of the chief phrases that I use now is
“I apologize for being disrespectful when I criticized you just now.” and I stop.
That's a key part of that cheat phrase, you have to just stop because otherwise if you just go explaining it kills it.
I don't really want to be disrespectful. I don't want to be that nagging, controlling, shrewish wife who thinks she knows more than her, husband, or that she is better than her, husband. That, wife, is lonely.
Conclusion Empowered Wife
Myrna – Let’s talk about your book The Empowered Wife and where can we get it.
Laura – As I mentioned there's six, intimacy skills, we only talked about 3 of them today. The book lists them all and it's just so nice to have all the training right there laid out in front of you. Which is all laid out in the Empowered Wife, but I have something really fun going on right now too that you can download for free on my website at www.lauradoyle.org.
It's called the, Adored Wife, Road Map. This lays out the steps to becoming an, Adored Wife, which let's face it, don't we all want to feel like, Adored Wives? I also talk about the three mistakes that almost every, wife, seems to be making when they're trying to get their, husband's, attention or his affection. You're trying to make things more passionate; you just want him to spend some time with you, these mistakes will backfire on you. In the map I talk about what to do instead. So you can download that at www.lauradoyle.org.
