Is the secret to, Love, Sex? This week on Mindset Transformation Radio Podcast, I interview, Love Coach, James Green. James answers the question “Is, Sex, the most important factor in a relationship?
So, let me ask you. What do you think is the most important factor in a relationship? In my research for this interview. I found this article
on the secret to a long marriage. Hint it was not, Sex!
Secret to a long Marriage not, sex
But in all seriousness. We have heard the phrase ” A Happy wife a happy life”
Here is another article about a couple married 79 years.
“Just want you to know that you’re still the one I would choose. Still the one I give my heart to, still the one I love.”
So, what’s their secret?
“To support one another, whatever the problems may be, good or bad. Stick together. That’s about it,” Bertha said.
“You know why this lasted 79 years? She has the last word,” Dan added with a smile.
Let me introduce my guest this week:
James is a certified Love and Emotional Intelligence coach. His mission is to teach people how to love themselves as well as love each other. James specialty is Relationship and Personal Development Coaching.
Show notes Secret to Love
1. Question 1: Tell us of your journey to become a Love and emotional Intelligence coach. Do you have a personal story that made you specialize in this field?
I was a single parent and realized that when looking for a mate, I had to look for someone who would fit into my lifestyle as a single father. The woman had to accept me and my son as a package deal. That made me look at factors other than, Sex.
As far as my journey to becoming a Love and Emotional intelligence coach, I found I had the aptitude to reach people. People opened up to me. I remember once standing in the line at McDonald’s and this man in line started talking to me telling me his story. I decided to get my certification as a, Life Coach
2. Question 2: How does emotional intelligence fit into the relationship dynamics?
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to hear what your partner is not saying. It is the ability to realize that when your partner says Fine, I am okay with that. for example. She is not fine with that, from her tonality or her body language.
Another facet of emotional intelligence is the ability to keep your cool and not fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
3. Question 3: What problems do find are the most common and how do you coach your clients to solve them?
I find Trust, Communication and the inability to seek out coaching until after they start experiencing problems.
Couples tend to think that coaching is not needed until there is a huge problem in their relationship and when I hear that I ask them do you also see a doctor AFTER you have Cancer?
4. Question 4: If you had a magic wand to solve common relationship problems, what would you solve?
If I had a magic wand to solve relationship problems, I would solve trust. Lack of trust is one of the most destructive elements in a relationship.
5. Question 5: When you say that relationship is not a 3-letter word, what do you mean?
The topic of our show today “Is the secret to love, Sex?”
Couples would have us believe that great sex keeps the relationship going or strong.
While sex is very important in a relationship it is not the most important factor.
I believe that communication is the most important factor.
Click the podcast link to hear from James directly as he answers this question.
6. Question 6: Why would you say that couples do not proactively seek relationship coaching and wait until there is a problem to get counselling?
Culture, conditioning. Women go to get an annual checkup every year. They get a PAP test to proactively check for any cervical problems. But this same woman would not think of going to a relationship coach to proactively check to see if her relationship is in danger of abnormal growth!
For the men I use the analogy of the oil change because men hate going to the doctor for an annual check up. But they do change their oil every 3 to 5 months. ( I had a laugh at this one. I asked James if he was suggesting men change their wife’s, as often as they change the oil in their cars?)
He assured me he was not saying that but letting the men know that just like the car engine their relationships need regular maintenance.
Tony Robbins also has lots of empowerment advice for couples.
Click the link below to understand how to create better relationships from Tony Robbins
If you found this episode inspirational be sure to subscribe to my podcast and I would also appreciate a rate and review.
Never go with your, gut feelings, because what is true is that your gut, intuition, is often going to be lying to you. Just like people who are depressed and anxious feel that there’s something to be said about, gut feelings, when there’s not, and feel there’s a threat when there is not. Instead use counter intuitive strategies to make decisions.
What was your path in becoming a Cognitive Neuroscientist?
I was 18 in 1999 when the Prince song party like it’s 1999 was Hot. A lot of leaders were partying because their companies were going boom they were making a lot of a lot of money. Billions of dollars were invested into the dot.com industry, and just a couple of years later when I was 21 in 2002, they all went bust. The leaders of the dot.com era made terrible decisions. They trusted their, Gut feelings, and went bust! That and the fact I saw my father trust his, gut feelings, and made terrible decisions, made me study to become a Cognitive Neuroscientist.
Leaders who went with their, gut feelings, made bad decisions
A lot of Leaders who went with, gut feelings, went to jail. Their, gut instincts, were way off. Never trust just your, gut feelings. I was curious about what was going on, so I decided to study the neuroscience of the brain and how people think. I became a Trainer, Consultant, and Coach for business leaders.
Cognitive neuroscience, is a subfield of neuroscience that studies the biological processes that underlie human cognition, especially in regards to the relation between brain structures, activity and cognitive functions. The purpose of it is to determine how the brain functions and achieves performance.is the study of how our brain works, how we make decisions and what our patterns of decision-making are. I also studied the specific judgment errors that we make when we make decisions purely from, gut feelings.
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One of the first things I wanted to know because as a, Lifecoach myself, when I sit down in a coaching session, I’m looking for certain things in order for me to understand where my clients are coming from. As a cognitive neuroscientist and behavioral economist, what are you looking for when you were consulting with these business leaders?
Coaching to, Gut Instinct
The first thing I’m looking for is to make sure the person is coachable. A lot of people would like to go to a coach, but they’re not coachable. Meaning that they’re not willing to listen to external feedback and accept that sometimes, someone looking from the outside is going to be wiser than the person looking from the inside and making those, gut feeling, decisions.
I also try to find an issue of disagreement and in the first session, to see how the person reacts to this disagreement. Because if this person’s is not able to deal with this disagreement, then we’re not going to be able to have an effective coaching relationship. Because as a coach I’m going to tell you what I think, and if you can’t accept feedback, we can’t work together and I’d like to discover that as quickly as possible.
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The other thing that I look for at the start of the session is how emotionally aware this person is. That’s the quality of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence refers to two broad skill sets:
emotional awareness – where is this person emotions
and emotional management – how are they able to manage their emotions.
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It is really an important element for me to understand. Do I need to teach this person these skills of emotional intelligence, personal skills, emotional awareness and emotional management? Because in order to make good decisions, instead of going with, gut feelings, we need to realize that our emotions are the overwhelming factor driving our, gut intuition and, gut instinct. Our emotions shape about 80 to 90 percent of our, gut feelings, and decision-making. Going with your, gut feelings, means going with your, gut instinct intuition, and they’re often wrong, so this is a problem.
When my clients notice that there are goals they want to achieve from coaching are at odds with their natural inclinations and natural intuition, they change their natural state. One of the very important aspects of coaching, is to change your natural state of activities otherwise there is no point in coaching.
One key aspect of coaching, is to change from where you are today to where you want to be
I’m looking for that as well how aware is the person of their emotions and how able are they to manage their emotions and, gut feelings.
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Leaders shouldn’t just use gut feelings to make decisions
As a Cognitive Neuroscientist and Behavioral Economist, you had enough data to write a book on disaster avoidance and that’s also name of your company. Does your research indicate that most people who follow their, gut feelings, or, gut instinct, make the wrong decisions?
Yes, overwhelmingly people who just go with their, gut feelings, and make decisions by, gut reaction, as opposed to people who check with their heads before going with their, gut feelings, make the wrong decisions.
Let’s look at small businesses. A lot of small business owners who don’t have training go with their, gut feeling, and open up a business. They feel that they can do this job, I can do this work. I can run this restaurant or this hair salon or I can be a plumber. But when you look at the actual statistics, what happens to small businesses is about half of them fail within the first five years, about two-thirds of them fail within the first ten years; because people make decisions based on, gut feelings. They just go with their, gut instincts, they don’t check with their head before going with their, gut feeling. Never just go with your, gut feelings.
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The Confirmation Bias – where she might be looking for information from, gut feelings, that confirms her beliefs and ignoring information that do not confirm her beliefs.
Objective Adviser – Understanding the failure rate for hair salons. The failure rate for hair salons are a little bit higher than the failure rate for typical small businesses, so the first question to answer is why she would not fail. What makes her so special ? Never go with just, gut feelings.
Get uncomfortable – Look for information that is uncomfortable and that to prove to herself whether this is the right decision or not.
Check for the optimism bias. Business leaders who open up new restaurants, new salon or new small businesses tech startups tend to be very optimistic. They are too optimistic compared to the reality of the situation.
Exit strategy if Business fails – what are all the reasons why it would fail. Was it the wrong location? Management etc?
Additional Resources Never go with Your, Gut Feelings
You have to heal in order to, transform, you have to, transform, in order to heal. You could address, tissue health, through some form of deep massage. But if you address structural health first, without first addressing, tissue, the unhealthy tissue pulls the structure back out of play. Your, tissues, would be your, fascia, your muscles, your ligaments, your tendons, your bone. When those, tissues, are unhealthy, when you push into them, guess what you find? You find pain.
Myrna: How did your mindset play into your transformation?
Christopher: Yeah, well for me my mind that has always been one of, transformation. So that was already in place, right. What I needed to learn is that stored, stress, meaning, unresolved stress, transforms into physical tension and that physical tension when it reaches a certain level, it creates what’s called, emotional distortion. Mental stress, transforms into physical tension, that tension can get so high that it generates, emotional distortion.
And so, in order to transform you have to walk back through the door as you came in. And so, what I discovered is that 99.99999% of all human beings store their maximal saturation of, stress, tension and distortion, is about 86.4% average. Okay, so that means if I lined every human up on the planet right now, and I could work on them, we would find that they only have 15% of their mental, emotional, spiritual and physical capacity that isn’t severely stressed.
It’s funny because if you look into data, surrounded around intelligence, what do they tell you? They tell you that the average human is operating at about 10% Right? And the ones who are operating really high, functioning really high. They’re getting about 12%. Right? So, the math is the same. Well, let’s do the inverse of that.
What if we could reduce your lifetime accumulated, stress load, by 50%? What would that do to your intelligence? What would that do to your, physical intelligence? What would that do to your, emotional intelligence? What would that do to your, spiritual intelligence? What would that do to your, analytical intelligence? The truth is it would raise it dramatically. Okay, so not only was I discovering that along the way as I was moving attention to, stress, and the distortion and the, toxicity, from my body, I was having powerful mental insights and awareness every single day.
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Transforming unhealthy tissue to healthy tissue
Myrna: Okay, so tell us about that. What was how did you fall into that number one, I know that you were working on your master’s and doctorate degrees in traditional Chinese medicine. For instance, you talk about your compound, complex stressors, and they started from the time you were a baby, a couple of days old, guide us through how this, transformation, of our stressors can help us to operate in a higher emotional capacity.
Christopher: As you remove tension from the body, and I’m talking about something very different than yoga for traditional stretching. What I’m talking about is changing, bone rotational relationships. And what that means is that you have different forms of health. So, you have, tissue health, so your tissue would be your, fascia, your muscles, your ligaments, your tendons, your bone, so to be in your structural tissue, when those, tissues, are unhealthy, when you push into them, guess what you find? You find pain. Okay, all right. You find discomfort.
If I lay on a table now, and we started running my elbow across all those little muscles across your back, we might find discomfort and pain. If we did that across the back of your legs and neck, shoulder, your jaw, wherever you have pain and discomfort there’s a blockage of the natural flow of energy. Okay. So, in order to access the greatest amount of intelligence going inside of you, what would you have to do? You would have to remove the roadblocks and so the first step is you have to address, tissue health.
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Because if you address, structural health, first, without first addressing, tissue, the, unhealthy tissue, pulls the structure back out of play. Right. And so, there’s a system out there that I’ve been developing called best of science, bioenergetic self-transformation sequence. For me, the most important part of the process is because it breaks the codependent dependent relationship between practitioners and patients.
Let’s say I have a headache that I have to go to my acupuncturist, or I have to go to Walgreens to pick up some medicine then what’s gonna happen? I’m reliant on something outside of me in order to resolve something inside. But what if there was a way to actually learn how to move your body, how to resolve tension and, stress, get your, tissues healthy, so that you can resolve it from the inside out and not need someone from the outside.
That would put you in a very powerful position, because it means you could then determine how much time energy and effort you wanted to put into your body, brain and nervous system to produce the results. That you wanted to make yourself feel better every single day.
Myrna: That is awesome, I have an episode called “We hold issues in our tissues.”
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The issues are in your tissues
Christopher: I’m the one who coined that phrase, “The issues are in your tissues.”
So, the, issues are in your tissues. I’m glad that’s passed along. I coined that phrase 22 years ago. I’m happy to hear that it’s gone around the world and come back to me. So, tissue health, right? Whenever your body’s toxic, your, tissues, get unhealthy. Why? Because where does the, toxicity, sit? It’s in your, tissues. And so, you want to remove that out of the, tissues, and the way to do that is through a simple system that I’ve been developing called machine, M A, Space X.
So, somebody’s walking up and down your body and you’re getting the feel or the discomfort that in those parts, that as a person starts to actually breathe relative to the true level of sensation that they’re feeling. You know what happens? The body lets go of all of the, toxicity. Yes, I’ve had people their discomfort levels were like 13 out of 10. I get their breath up to a third team. And then literally 10 seconds later, they’re lying there in complete comfort. Then I don’t see them for a couple years. They come back and see me I get back on their body and guess what? They’re still no discomfort. Right. So, this is what I mean by true, transformation.
I don’t want to have to go see my chiropractor every Thursday, or every other Wednesday for 10 years. I want an immediate, instantaneous solution. Because if people are coming in and they’re investing money, they need solutions.
Myrna: I know what you are talking about, my sister had a car accident and hurt her neck and she’s been going to the chiropractor for 10 years!
I know that we’re energetic beings. And when you talk about, your issues are in your tissues, I understand. But I also work with the chakra systems, and I know that the energy gets blocked. How are you, releasing the issues in your tissues? Are we using the mind to clear the energy or how are we doing this?
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You have to transform to heal tissues
Christopher: Well, there’s several ways to do it. Okay, so we can always love when someone wants to transform. Transformation, begins with where you where you started, which is mentally, right, you have to set a clear intent. Because once you set clear intent, the universe lines up behind you to bring you the people, the resources, the dynamic situation that you need, in order to go on the transformational healing process, okay. And it’s impossible to, transform, if you don’t eat. Those things are inextricably connected at the root.
You have to heal in order to transform, you have to transform, in order to heal. So, you could go through addressing the, tissues, and , tissue health, through some form of deep massage. I don’t mean going to the therapist and having somebody rub oil on and then paying them $200 bucks an hour. I live in Marina Del Rey, I promise you right now, I could find a $300 massage where they’re gonna rub oil on me and play nice music in the background and three days later, I’m going to wake up with the same level of discomfort in my body. That is a terrible investment. Right? That would be like me going out and spending $300 on Bitcoin right now. Right?
Well, I’m talking about is spending $300 going into your body into the depth of where this stuff begins breathing, right breathing, matching your breath to the true level of sensation. If your, tissue, sensation is a seven out of 10 which that’s quite an uncomfortable, okay. 10 is the maximum that’s as uncomfortable as could possibly get and your breath is at a three.
You’re gonna hold on to that discomfort. But if your breath is at a seven your, tissue sensation, is at a seven guess what happens when those two things match when your emotional body your breath and your physical body. The physical sensations match, guess what’s going to happen?
Your pain disappears. It drops out. Guess what your body’s always asking for, it’s asking to be met emotionally. And when it’s met emotionally, the brain goes okay, let it go. We got exactly what we needed.
Yes, going back to the, issues in our tissues. Whatever issues that I had in store there and people have them everywhere, you know, whether it’s so I get that you go down the rabbit hole you identify the source. And then you know it let’s say there might be two hours and I’m listening and I’m investigating. And then I need to see those their story match up with their body, right? And then I go in and I start in on the, issues in the tissues, and 100% of the time, the story that they gave is exactly what’s going on inside of their body. And what I mean by the story that they gave me about the environment that they were raised.
So, let’s say I have a father who is dutiful, okay, super disciplined, hardworking, and you grow up in an environment like that and you’re more of an artistic emotional child. Right? That’s gonna leave a specific kind of imprint in you. And you’re gonna build very specific kinds of strategies in order to avoid punishment, rejection, humiliation, violence, discomfort and pain from that parent. Right?
And so, what’s the first step we have to do? We have to locate how that parent impacted you. Then we need to figure out how did your mom impact you? And every time their story about their mom and their story about their dad matches up with exactly what’s going on in their body. It’s happened every single time. And so now you’re matching the story in the investigation with the body. And guess what we go in and start removing that tension and that, stress, and their relationship with their parents. Changes in one day.
They understand them, then they forgive them, they give them a space to be themselves. The most important thing is they’re never ever triggered by their parent again.
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How to resolve complex stressors on a subconscious level
Myrna: You had all these, complex stressors. How did you resolve that?
Christopher: I resolved that with the steps that I’m explaining, but the impact was it changed the way in which I relate energetically and emotionally with women of authority. Okay, so you know a lot of my female teachers in high school says that I was kind and smart and charming, but I wouldn’t be willing to talk back. I never had any challenges with my male authoritative figures when I was going to boarding school, my female teachers would trigger me in a way at a deep subconscious level. When I say conscious, unconscious, subconscious, super conscious, I mean, either the mental and emotional, physical or spiritual level.
All right, so think about the, unconscious, or let’s start with the smallest the, conscious mind, as one grain of sand. Okay, everyone out there trying to manage their entire life with this tiny grain of sand, where your, unconscious, is more like a 55-gallon drum of sand. But your, subconscious, is all the sand on planet Earth. And your, super conscious, is all the sand in the universe. Right? And most humans are trying to manage everything in our life with that tiny grain of sand, trying to understand all of reality. The, conscious mind, doesn’t have the ability to do that. And the reason why I’m giving this as a precursor is for people to understand.
When I say, subconscious, or, unconscious, the form of intelligence, and the vastness of that form of intelligence. Okay, so at the subconscious level, we’re talking about all the all the intelligence on planet Earth, okay? So, most humans are using their body like it’s a skateboard, one grain of sand. When you have massive amounts of tension and, stress, in it, remember, the average human being is that about 86.4%, stress.
So we go through the process, regardless of what your situation is, when you had a very complex, dynamic, stressors, that were coming in. For you had something a little less depending on your level of sensitivity, it still puts you at 86.4% because when you’re in your mother’s womb, your mother and father seed and age are mixing together and all of the, epigenetics, all of the unresolved unconscious, survival-based strategies are being baked into your nervous system.
Book Free for Life
That’s the purpose of my work and my book “Free for life” or body intelligence is to get every human factor neutrality, because when you’re in neutrality, you add nothing in you take nothing away, you simply see things for what they are free of judgment, criticism, disapproval or overly moralizing position.
Now 50 years ago, okay, that wasn’t possible. The only things humans had was the ability to manage their life with their mind. And the more intelligent you were, the easier it was for you to manage the complex stresses that you’re in. So, at some point, the, complex stressors, in human evolution outweigh what the mind can manage and then they started leaning on caffeine. They started leaning on recreational drugs.
They started leaning on alcohol, they started leaning on refined sugar. They started leaning on now the worst thing in the world, pharmaceutical drugs. They’re leaning on them simply to attempt to manage their lifetime accumulated, stress load. That’s a combination of the experiences they’ve had in this life, and all of the experiences that their ancestors had before they were born, that are all based on survival, which means they’re based in fight or flight dynamics.
Myrna: Well, that’s basically what’s happening in the African American community. I found that the generational stuff is coming through, from slavery. And you also told me that your father was from Africa. So, you’ve got some, stressors, there too. I definitely agree that the only thing I would add to what you just talked about the, subconscious, and the, superconscious, is that most people, let’s say 95% don’t understand that the, subconscious, is what’s, what’s guiding them.
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Myrna: What do you credit your, adaptable mindset, to even as a kid?
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I really think there just isn’t a better podcast to listen to casually or seriously to expand your worldview. He’s also got a strangely relatable weekly segment called, “Feedback Friday,” where he covers advice on everything from relationships and networking to asking for a raise.
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Robert: My parents gave me a lot of freedom to explore. The told me, hey, if you want to be an artist or professor, do what makes you happy. I was always photographing crawling around and founded my own photography company when I was like 17 years old. I was very naïve and I thought, hey, I can do this. I was just always failing forward again and again. I noticed that a lot of people haven’t had that upbringing. But it’s not necessarily to have such an upbringing to be able to flow through life.
You can also find it later on, but it takes work and that’s why we found with the, Adaptable mindset program, and like all of our testimonials show that people can find their spark and find their drive can find these different perspectives again. You can make the work fun and you can make the work playful so it’s it doesn’t feel like a work just creating, mental space.
Myrna: When I was growing up, everybody said that, you needed to be a lawyer or a doctor, to be considered successful and they were stuck in that. If they didn’t go to medical school or they didn’t become a lawyer, they kind of felt that they were a failure of some sort, you know what I mean?
So, a, creative mindset, would definitely be an, adaptable mindset. Because in order to have, creativity, you’ve got to let energy flow through, you got to let source flow through. You got to be in touch with and feeling your environment. So that’s probably why you gravitated towards, adaptability, and started your design company at 17. You had that, creativity, almost kind of built in.
So, like I started off by saying, we are, adaptable. As human beings we were born with the ability to be, adaptable. So why do we need that, adaptability? Why do you think that God hardwired us to be, adaptable, people?
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Robert: God did it to everything. From nature to animals otherwise you aren’t able to survive. It’s just a very natural thing to do. Also, if we look at new theories, we also see that it’s not just survival of the fittest and adaptation. It’s also working together and that’s maybe something that we forgot a little bit as humankind. Most of us have heard about survival of the fittest, but not about doing as a collaborative effort. And yeah, I think like everyone also has the ability to have an, adaptable mindset, we make so many silly rules, which narrow our frame of view, which limit our own, creativity.
And then we put upon our children and we teach that limitation in schools as well because we make life simpler than it is. we compartmentalize things at school. So, we deny people who understand the entirety, you are not trained in intuition you’re not trained in in compassion. You’re not trained in imagination. It’s mainly different kinds of sports, more of the art skills and then you get grades. And then if you if you don’t pass your grades, then you’re a failure like entire system is set up to compartmentalize not really help you.
Adaptable mindset in business, is the same in organizations too much compartmentalization. You’re not really valued for your, creativity. And then we have media which is constantly distracting your social media which is railroads are thinking we’re constantly being narrowed in a frame of view we’re being boxed in. And that’s not how we are meant to be meant to be. You should be able to find your own path and do whatever the heck you want actually, as long as it contributes to the to the greater good.
Myrna: When I thing of an, adaptable mindset, I’m thinking along the lines of, adaptable to change. Alright, so let’s take the pandemic. We had to do a lot of changes and we had to, adapt. In fact, they’re saying that we will never go back to where we were before. So, let’s say that, we’re accustomed to the grind of getting up in the morning at six o’clock and taking the train or driving in rush hour traffic to get to work and then all of a sudden, you are stuck at home by yourself.
You don’t have people to talk to, you don’t you don’t have that communication with people. A lot of people got really depressed, because they didn’t have that outlet. So, talk about that kind of, adaptability. Why do we need, adaptability, for things like crisis?
Robert: A lot of people, of course, everyone went through this experience, and some fared better than others. Right? A lot of people indeed became depressed and weren’t really connected anymore to what inspired them. The people who did flourish, often took care of themselves, or went out for walks, did their own exercising, took care of proper nutrition, maybe even getting in touch with the restoration.
So, everyone has to decide. It doesn’t matter if he fails, then you pick up the next one and just keep on expanding the mind even putting new information in and just keep on repeating that. Also being conscious of how the world reacts to it and what the world needs. So okay, now I need to work from home. But what can I do? You can do that by finding different perspectives and assessing how you can get out of the situation or how you can get the most out of it while remaining calm.
The world is very demanding, you need to find that countermeasures to be able to get clarity again and to connect again to what you want to do instead of the outside world.
Most people don’t like change
Myrna: As you were talking, I remembered that a lot of times me personally and some people that don’t like change, right? And anytime that you have opportunity to change, you kind of want to stay the same because you’re comfortable there. But I found that anytime I resist change, and then I leap forward into it, It works out a whole lot better than what I was didn’t want to change from. Who would have thought that people would like to work from home. But now they’re finding reasons that it’s a whole lot better.
You kind of, adapt, to whatever situation you’re in and that’s probably why God programmed us with, adaptability, because things change. Even our wealth and our health, sometimes you can go from, being very wealthy and then you’re poor, and you got to, adapt. People don’t really, adapt, but they at least try. Or you go from being healthy one day to being bed ridden the next day.
You got to find a way to make that work for you. You know what I mean? So, when I think of, adaptability, that’s what I’m thinking of, any situation that has changed, and you got to fix it. One day you are married and you’ve got the second income and all of a sudden, you’re divorced and you now you are a single mom struggling to pay your bills. We all have to develop an, adaptability mindset.
Who moved my cheese
We always resist change. I remember way back when I was in the corporate world, they, you know, one of my companies made us read this book, Who Moved My Cheese, and they made all employees read that book as part of the onboarding training because they know that people hate change, and everybody’s gonna resist change. Corporations hire coaches to help people, adaptability mindset.
What are some of the pros the pros, of an, adaptable mindset?
Robert: If you have an, adaptable mindset, there’s room for growth? You ask yourself, what can I learn from it? If there’s nothing that you can learn from it, just move on.
Myrna: Yeah, there’s always something you can learn even if it’s not what not to do. So, if we find that our personalities are the type of person that we don’t like change, we’re stuck in the same mode. You know, that our parents told us to do, you know what I mean? We’re not growing, we’re not curious. We’re just stuck. How can someone in that space, develop adaptability? Is there like some steps that they can do?
Robert: Yeah, I think it’s very beneficial to start with what you’re curious about. Because what you’re curious about is about, adaptability.
Myrna: A lot of people that are not curious, let’s assume they’re not curious. They’re just gonna do what they know.
Curiosity leads to adaptability
Robert: Well, there’s always something that you can be curious about. It can even be a TV program or channel on discovery or whatever. You do need to have a sense of, curiosity, still in you, otherwise, there needs to be a willingness from the individual. You know, that it starts there. It starts with you taking that step forward, and putting more of the stuff in your life, which inspires you.
And if you find something even if it slightly makes you curious, then keep on exploring and keep on pulling on that thread and through more of that into your life. It could also be that you just feel that your mind is totally overflowing and you don’t have any space, you don’t have any time to be curious.
Myrna: With an, adaptable mindset, you can change because the mindset is your software, right? So, when you have an, adaptable mindset, that means you’re going to be, adaptable, to almost anything in life. So, let’s discuss what is an, adaptable mindset, your definition. How can we develop that mindset?
The adaptable mindset is about openness
Robert: That’s what, mindset, is that you’re always able to find a fresh perspective that you have openness, openness to new ideas is a very large aspect of that. Because openness allows you to see more things. It’s also about expanding our frame of mind. You know, everyone has their own specific frame of mind through which they look through the world.
And sometimes we forget that everyone has their own specific frame of mind, that the frame is like a letterbox issue to the world. It narrows your frame of view whether you notice it or not. So, it’s always a good idea to start chipping away at that frame to try and expand it and expose yourself to art, to movies, to music that it lights up your soul and do that often and maybe less of the Instagram scrolling. Did you know that Kim Kardashian has a new boyfriend? Not really expanding her frame of mind?
Myrna: Yes, a lot of time and other people’s business take up space in our mind. Everyone is now watching Johnny Depp.
Robert: We need to create more brain space to also filter more content, but also work on creating more cognitive flexibility through movement through sports like yoga, meditation, cycling, strength training, all of these things are scientifically proven to create more cognitive flexibility. It makes you better able to deal with uncertainty and ambiguity like strength training, strong mind and body because a strong body equals a strong mind.
Creating mental space
It’s so extremely logical, but we are we’ve become such sedentary creatures and we’re always sitting in a chair on our phone. And of course, you’ll be more flexible because you’ve got such so much data of solutions and possibilities and your, subconscious mind, is able to make new connections. The other important thing is it’s what you see with people who have great scientific discoveries Nobel Prize winners. All of these people, they also have, mental space.
And they had ways to sort of resynthesize what they experienced by playing violin, doing juggling unicycling going for long walks, going sailing, and doing that for hours. When do we still take time ever do nothing? Absolutely nothing. Or just react to something like violin or go for a walk. It’s often that we have a second device for doing something else or thinking about something to think different and to speak different as well.
So, what we see is that most people change when they encounter change. They say, Ah, it’s not possible. Oh, that will never happen here. And you know, all like these walls that they put up. And it’s debatable if that is very helpful. But what might be more beneficial is to always think positive and how it could be possible. And just always having that open view.
The Adaptable Mindset program
Myrna: Your, adaptable mindset program, you said that you have helped over 1000 students and a lot of entrepreneurs you know solo entrepreneurs. Tell us about your program.
Robert: So, we have an online program, which is curiosity based, it’s very playful. You can choose your own boss through the program and you can start with our nature game’s philosophy, doesn’t really matter. And just take all your inspiration and expand your mind. There is a masterclass in there as well on how to create, mental space. There is a segment on how to deal with a, fear of failure, like all things that you use during your development, and you can just choose what you need and what resonates with you.
You don’t have to do everything or actually anything at all. I don’t really mind like as long as it actually works for you. So, we’ve got the online program, and then we do workshops, and organizational transformation in these larger organizations as well. And then normally, the first week with Chief Technology Officer head of innovation, head of digital, someone in a leadership position, and then we talk about the ENA company. How other teams are structured, what people are lacking, how to stop being stressed out, these kinds of things and then make a custom program to support people in resolving these challenges. So, you get more creativity, more imagination, more mental space, because that is what most organizations need.
We are connected to, divine consciousness, and so we come pre-loaded with the power of the Universe, we need to learn how to unleash, the power within.
This week on Mindset Transformation radio and podcast with coach Myrna, I interview Dr Donavan Outten, Dr Outten is going to share “How to unleash your, inner greatness, also called, the power within, so you can tap into the person God intended you to be.
Tip of the week: Are you Desperate and Determined?
A few weeks ago, my pastor preached on the 3 D’s Desperate, Determined and Dependent!
You see the 3 D’s require a mindset shift.
In order to, unleash power within, we must become desperate, determined and dependent. We see numerous times in the bible when God promoted and elevated people who were either desperate, determined or dependent on him for victory.
We see that every miracle begins with a desperate problem.
Esther was born with the power within
The story begins with Ahasuerus, ruler of the Persian Empire, holding a lavish banquet, initially for his court and dignitaries and afterwards for all inhabitants of the capital city, Shushan.
On the seventh day, Ahasuerus orders the queen, Vashti, to come and display her beauty before the guests by wearing only her crown. She refuses. Furious, Ahasuerus has her removed from her position and makes arrangements to choose a new queen from a selection of beautiful young women from throughout the empire.
One of these is the Jewish orphan, Esther. After the death of her parents, she was fostered by her cousin, Mordecai. She finds favor in the King’s eyes, and is crowned his new queen.
Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his viceroy. Mordecai, who sits at the palace gates, falls into Haman’s disfavor, as he refuses to bow down to him. Having discovered that Mordecai is Jewish, Haman plans to kill not just Mordecai, but all the Jews in the empire.
As the story unfolds, Esther the Jewish orphan turned queen, used her place as queen to intercede with the King; her desperation made her, unleash power within, her and risk death, because it was against the law to present herself to the King unsummoned. This was punishable by death.
Her determination, desperation and dependence on God, saved the Jews of the Persian Empire, she, unleashed, the power within.
Dr. Donavan Outten is a powerful trainer, consultant, educator and administrator with over 20 years’ experience. He is the Associate Vice President of Academic Affairs at Webster University.
Dr. Outten is a published author of 2 books, one of which is our topic today. Unleash your inner greatness: A guide to overcoming obstacles and Tapping into the person God meant you to be.
Dr Outten writes books to inspire and motivate individuals to achieve greatness in their lives.
His research focuses on developing young African American Students in higher education. He has also produced seminars, lectures, classes, assessments and workshops throughout the United States and Caribbean.
Dr. Outten earned his Doctorate degree in Educational Leadership from Nova.
Southeastern University, his Masters in Human Resource Development & Administration from Barry University and Bachelors in Psychology from Bethune Cookman University.
Unleashing the power within
Question 1. I know that unleashing our, inner greatness, our, the power within, is your space. Can you tell our audience what does it mean to, Unleash our, Inner Greatness,” and a little of why you chose this topic as the subject of your book.
Question 2. So what are some of the obstacles to unleashing, the power within?
Most children today are taught not to question authority, so they go about their lives always looking for someone to direct them and never focusing on their inner strength or, power within.
Question 3. Where does the power within, come from?
We are connected to source energy. If you take a droplet of water from the ocean, it has the same properties as the entire body of the ocean. Similarly we came from God or source, so we have the same powers. We just need to, unleash, the power within.
Question 4. How does an individual muster up enough strength to have such strong determination to finish a task or overcome a devastating life situation?
• Where do they find the courage to stand up for what they believe in or battle back from a medical condition that almost took their life?
• How does one leave a secure job to start a business that they are passionate about?
• What is the secret to obtaining determination and maintaining it over a period of time?
• What kinds of people have it, and what is determination?
Determination unlocks your inner greatness
Dr Outten says, “In my heart, I truly believe that determination is having the will to move forward in spite of what obstacle, barrier, or difficulty you might be facing. It is looking adversity in the face and not backing down, but pushing forward with tenacity and unleash, the power within.
He feels that Self-determination starts on the inside. It is first a thought or a belief that you can or will succeed no matter the problem you have to face. You believe in yourself even when no one else does. That spells confidence, character, and courage.
Question 5. What are some other obstacles to unleashing our, inner greatness?
Resilience: The path toward nurturing a, resilient mindset, and lifestyle is a road
that should not be taken lightly. This path has many bumps, twists, turns, and potholes
and is never straightforward. The road often contains obstacles and detours
that interfere with reaching your destination.
Passion: Your passion does not usually appear overnight. It has been dwelling
inside you for a long time. As a child, what were you passionate about? As a
teenager, what were you passionate about? As a young adult, what were you
passionate about? Often times, you will identify a pattern in what you are
passionate about. It is up to you to identify what it is and go after it.
When turning your, passion into profit, you have to be careful and work smarter,
not harder. You will run into a lot of obstacles and need to face your fears, as
things probably won’t go as smoothly as you’d like them to go. It’s all a part of
Destiny: Destiny can be referred to as a predetermined course of events. It may
be conceived as a predetermined future, whether in general or of an individual.
What you perceive your future to be will come to pass if you work for it, believe
in it, and live your life towards it.
What you have today does not reflect what you will obtain tomorrow. If you have
the capability of looking into your future and seeing what lies ahead, then all you
have to do is work towards your goal.
Walking towards your destiny is no easy task because you will have obstacles and
hurdles along the way. There will be road blocks that will make you think that
you are going down the wrong path, but you will need to have patience,
endurance, and faith. Your faith will play a big part in finding and fulfilling your
destiny; you will need to seek guidance from God and, unleash power within.
Question 6. I know that you work predominately with the African American youth. What advice would you give them on being determined and staying the course?
You have to better than good, you have to be great.
You have to work twice as hard for the same opportunity as your white counterparts.
Welcome to the Mindset Transformation radio show and Podcast. Today Dr. Marcia Reynolds is going to teach us “4 Techniques to, Outsmart your Brain” Relax, Detach, gain clarity and ask yourself, How do I want to feel?
But First in keeping with that theme I want to share with you one of the classic stories of how our Brain can Outsmart us.
Acres of Diamonds
There once lived not far from the River Indus an ancient Persian by the name of Al Hafed. Al Hafed owned a very large farm with orchards, grain fields and gardens. He was a contented and wealthy man—contented because he was wealthy, and wealthy because he was contented. One day there visited this old farmer one of those ancient Buddhist priests, and he sat down by Al Hafed’s fire and told that old farmer how this world of ours was made.
He said that this world was once a mere bank of fog and the Almighty thrust his finger into the bank of fog and then began slowly to move his finger around and gradually to increase the speed of his finger until at last he whirled that bank of fog into a solid ball of fire, and it went rolling through the universe, burning its way through other cosmic banks of fog, until it condensed the moisture without, and fell in floods of rain upon the heated surface and cooled the outward crust.
Then the internal flames burst through the cooling crust and threw up the mountains and made the hills and the valleys of this wonderful world of ours. If this internal melted mass burst out and cooled very quickly it became granite; that which cooled less quickly became silver; and less quickly, gold; and after gold, diamonds were made. Said the old priest, “A, diamond, is a congealed drop of sunlight.”
Finding your diamonds in your back yard
This is a scientific truth also. You all know that a diamond is pure carbon, actually deposited sunlight. The old priest told Al Hafed that if he had a handful of diamonds he could purchase a whole country, and with a mine of diamonds he could place his children upon thrones through the influence of their great wealth.
Al Hafed heard all about, diamonds, and how much they were worth, and went to his bed that night a poor man—not that he had lost anything, but poor because he was discontented and discontented because he thought he was poor. He said: “I want a mine of, diamonds!” So he lay awake all night, and early in the morning sought out the priest.
Reminds me of the story I tell my children about the dog and his shadow. If you are not familiar, a dog is walking over a bridge and sees another dog with a bone. He decides he wants that bone as well and jumps in and loses the bone he has in his mouth because what he saw was not another dog but his own shadow. It is a story of discontent and greed!
Getting back to our story. Al Hafed woke the priest out of his dreams and said to him, “Will you tell me where I can find, diamonds?” The priest said, “Diamonds? What do you want with diamonds?” “I want to be immensely rich,” said Al Hafed, “but I don’t know where to go.” “Well,” said the priest, “if you will find a river that runs over white sand between high mountains, in those sands you will always see, diamonds.”
“Do you really believe that there is such a river asked al Hafed?” The priest replied “Plenty of them, plenty of them; all you have to do is just go and find them, then you have them.” Al Hafed said, “I will go.” So he sold his farm, collected his money at interest, left his family in charge of a neighbor, and away he went in search of diamonds.
Searching for what you already have
He began at the Mountains of the Moon. Afterwards he went around into Palestine, then wandered on into Europe, and at last, when his money was all spent, and he was in rags, wretchedness and poverty, he stood on the shore of that bay in Barcelona, Spain, when a tidal wave came rolling in through the Pillars of Hercules and the poor, afflicted, suffering man could not resist the awful temptation to cast himself into that incoming tide, and he sank beneath its foaming crest, never to rise in this life again.
Now, Al Hafed’s successor one day led his camel out into the garden to drink, and as that camel put its nose down into the clear water of the garden brook Al Hafed’s successor noticed a curious flash of light from the sands of the shallow stream, and reaching in he pulled out a black stone having an eye of light that reflected all the colors of the rainbow, and he took that curious pebble into the house and left it on the mantel, then went on his way and forgot all about it.
A few days after that, this same old priest who told Al Hafed how diamonds were made, came in to visit his successor, when he saw that flash of light from the mantel. He rushed up and said, “Here is a, diamond,—here is a diamond! Has Al Hafed returned?” “No, no; Al Hafed has not returned and that is not a diamond; that is nothing but a stone; we found it right out here in our garden.” “But I know a, diamond, when I see it,” the priest said; “this is a diamond!”
Then together they rushed to the garden and stirred up the white sands with their fingers and found others more beautiful, more valuable, diamonds, than the first, and thus were discovered the diamond mines of Golconda, the most magnificent diamond mines in all the history of mankind, exceeding the Kimberley in its value. The great Kohinoor diamond in England’s crown jewels and the largest crown diamond on earth in Russia’s crown jewels came from that mine.
The moral to the story is had Al Hafed remained at home and dug in his own cellar or in his own garden he would have had, acres of diamonds.
We are are all diamonds
We are all, Acres of Diamonds, Each and every one of us is unique with acres of talent and gifts. If we dig we will find them. Don’t be like Al Hafed and go looking for riches elsewhere. You are all, diamonds, in the rough.
Now let me tell you a little more of our guest today.
Dr. Marcia Reynolds is fascinated by the, brain, especially how to, outsmart your brain, what sparks feelings of connection, commitment, and possibility. She is able to draw on her research to help leaders have more meaningful conversations that inspire change. She has delivered workshops in 35 countries and has presented at the Harvard Kennedy School, Cornell University, and the Edwards School of Management in Canada.
Marcia is a true pioneer in the coaching profession. She was the 5th global president of the International Coach Federation and is the training director for the Healthcare Coaching Institute at Virginia Tech. She also teaches for coaching schools in Russia and China.
Interviews and excerpts from her books, Outsmart Your Brain, Wander Woman, and her latest, The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs have appeared in many places including Fast Company, CNN.com, Psychology Today, and The Wall Street Journal and she has appeared on ABC World News.
Marcia’s doctoral degree is in organizational psychology with an emphasis on the needs of strong, smart women in today’s corporations. She also holds two master’s degrees in education and communications.
• What do mean by, Outsmart your brain.
The primary purpose of the, brain, is to protect you and to keep you safe.
Anytime you say something to someone that is critical they get defensive and they get defensive without thought. To, outsmart your brain, is really about making good choices. Stopping and asking what is my, brain, perceiving here and what is really true. You have to know how to stop, breathe and make good choices.
You have to shift your emotions. Take 10 sec to remember to care, take 10 sec to realize that this person is not trying to hurt me.
You have to change your emotion to change your thought to, outsmart your brain.
Here are the 4 Techniques to change your emotions and outsmart your brain.
1. Relax your body, release the tension. Take a breath let it out
2. Clear your mind. Quickly drop your mind to the center of your body
3. Center your mind on your Chi or 2nd Chakra
4. Choose how you want to feel.
• What prompts your brain to do things that sabotage your best intentions
The brain perceives a threat to something so it protects you.
If you are afraid it sees danger and sabotages your efforts.
• Is there something we can do to stop reacting?
You have to understand your emotions triggers.
They are there to protect you.
Like respect in the workplace.
The, brain, reacts because it may think that someone is trying to take control over you
• How can we use our heart and brain to control our emotions?
Quiet your mind and ask your mind or gut. What should I do?
Take a breath and go into your heart and then you usually say something better
When your heart and your gut is open then you have access to all three of your brains
Your brain, your heart and your gut.
• Are the brains of men and women wired differently?
We are born with the same wiring but whatever is rewarded as we aged that is what we become. Women were more head and gut based and men were more head based but that is changing.
Men are becoming more heart based because they are being raised by women.
Emotional intelligence, can be measured but, emotional resilience, is how you emotionally utilize all those components to say – okay life is throwing me a bit of a curve ball at the moment. How do I work with it? I don’t like the situation that I find myself in, but what do I do? If you don’t do anything you’re going to fall over and that’s not being, resilient.
Robin’s focus is on supporting personality and behavior in business, based on the everyday application of, emotional intelligence. He is the director of Emotional Intelligence (E.I.) for Change. A company specializes in training, coaching and personal development focused around, emotional intelligence, positive psychology and neuroscience.
His educational program on, emotional resilience, and, emotional intelligence, are used in educational establishments in South Africa, India, as well as over 5000 students in 125 countries.
Introduction to Emotional Resilience
Myrna: Emotional Intelligence, and, emotional resilience, in the workplace is a big topic, because we know that a lot of our stressors come from working with people in the workplace. It’s not necessarily your spouse or your children or immediate family, but in the workplaces where we have the most stress and learning how to maneuver that with, emotional intelligence, or, emotional resilience, is actually a great skill.
Myrna: What does, emotional resilience, really mean and what was your journey into becoming an expert at it?
Emotional Resilience Starts Building at Home
Robin: I just want to say that, emotional intelligence, or, emotional resilience, in the workplace is going to be affected by what’s going on with your partner, what’s going on with your children, what’s going on at home, because these are going to drive your, emotions. So that when you’re at work, you don’t leave those, emotions, in the trunk of your car, you don’t leave them in the parking lot, you take them into work with you and they’re going to influence the way in which you engage with people.
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What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional Intelligence, is the way in which you utilize your thinking with your feelings in order to make good quality decisions and build up authentic relationships. If you are awash with unpleasant, emotions, because of circumstances that are happening outside of work, you’re not really going to be in a good place, to have a jolly happy relationship with the people that you work with; particularly if you undergo levels of conflict with them and that’s going to mean that you’re not necessarily going to make the best decisions.
Those with a higher degree of, emotional resilience, can handle the stresses that come with daily life more effectively and calmly. They are also able to manage crises more easily. Fortunately, emotional resilience, is a trait that can be developed. In fact, it’s a trait that is worth developing for many reasons, not the least of which is that it can transform your life and your experience of, stress in the workplace.
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How did become an expert on, emotional intelligence? I was doing a sales job (a very high pressured sales job) within the pharmaceutical industry in and around the teaching hospitals of Central London and I recognized that my, emotions, drove the way in which I engaged with people. Interestingly enough their, emotions, drove the way in which they engaged with meat the time, that was at the end of the last century where nobody had heard of, emotional intelligence.
It wasn’t until the mid 90’s when the first books were published on, emotional resilience, that I suddenly realized, this was what I‘ve been searching for all my life. I asked my self what can I do in terms of working with this idea and concept?
At the time I hadn’t got much more experience than a lot of sales experience and a bit of management experience. So, it was really a case of building that experience, just getting more experience working with people, influencing, persuading people and understanding how they engage.
Myrna: A lot of times, emotional intelligence, has to do with learning to navigate that situation because a lot of times, nothing is wrong with you, but you have a boss or someone that you have to learn to intelligently deal with them.
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Robin: The word “test” is not quite right, but people call it a test. Let’s go along with this, I prefer to call it an assessment or an inventory. because a test, it implies that there are right answers and there are wrong answers.
However, I will say that the word test is widely used when we’re talking about, personality tests, and a lot of psychologists will refer to their instruments as tests. So, the answer to your question is – yes, there are quite a few, assessments, or, emotional intelligence test. Some look at measuring abilities, some look at measuring competencies and some mix the two together.
My preference is to look at one that mixes the two together and I’m a great fan of what’s known as the, EQI 2.0,the Emotional Quotient Inventory 2.0. There are other good, emotional intelligence tests, available, but I like that one because it’s got a 360 view.
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The, EQI 2.0, generates a leadership report and there are a wide variety of norms which means that we can select out western managers who are middle aged, between 30 and 40 and identify how people perform against that group.
We can look at a South African norm and see how people perform against that group. The, EQI 2.0, is the most widely used, assessment test, across the world.
Myrna: What exactly are you looking for when you’re doing this, emotional intelligence test?
Robin: Ideally, we’re looking for a sweet spot which is about seven or eight points which suggests that there’s room for improvement, but people have got that level of competency – that ability when it’s appropriate and when the circumstances are right for them to express themselves in that way.
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Myrna: In your book “The Authority Guide Emotional Resilience in Business”, you’re combining, emotional intelligence, and, emotional resilience. How are they related?
Robin: Really interesting question because surprisingly, emotional resilience, itself is not a part of an, emotional intelligence, framework. Resilience, is about sticking to something to a certain extent that is measured in the, emotional intelligence assessment.
What we need to do is just to understand what, resilience, is. It’s a component of, stress management. Stress management, is part of, emotional intelligence, particularly if you’re looking at the, EQI 2.0, inventory. It will measure how you, manage stress. it will look at your, stress tolerance, to a certain extent that could be called your, resilience.
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How to Build Your Resilience
If we look at what, resilience, is, resilience, is not what most people think. It’s not about bouncing back, that’s not what, resilience is. Resilience, is having a realistic understanding of the situation that you find yourself in and accepting that things cannot always be brilliant all the time.
Having a kind of realistic optimism that life is good, life is meaningful – that’s an important component of, resilience. Then it’s having the adaptability, the flexibility and the creativity to make the most of the situation and put things to different uses in order to help you to grow and develop through the situation that you find yourself in.
How Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Resilience Differs
Now a lot of those can’t be measured in the same way that, emotional intelligence, can be measured but, emotional resilience, is how you emotionally utilize all those components to say – okay life is throwing me a bit of a curve ball at the moment. How do I work with it? I don’t like the situation that I find myself in, but what do I do? If you don’t do anything you’re going to fall over and that’s not being, resilient.
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Mental Health is a component of emotional resilience
I think it’s also important to say here that people have got to look at their, mental health. If people are undergoing severe, mental health, issues there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. They’ve just got to seek the support that they need whether it’s clinical or medical support. It could be support from family or friends or a therapist.
It’s getting the support that they need to see them through that awkward patch. There is nothing wrong with having a, mental health, issue.
Myrna: Let’s transition into, stress, your book also deals with, stress. It’s part of the title. What are some of the, strategies to reduce stress, in the workplace using, emotional resilience?
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Robin: I think one of the easiest and quickest ways to reduce, stress, is to understand your, emotions, and to recognize what, emotions, you are feeling and the impact that they are having upon you. Now, emotions, are emotions. There’s a lot of nonsense said about positive and, negative emotions. We can’t label, emotions, as positive or negative.
We’re experiencing, emotions, for a reason and the important thing is to understand the information that these, emotions, are trying to convey to us. If we’re feeling angry why are we feeling angry? What is it that we need to do in order to work with that anger?
A negative way of utilizing that anger is to bottle it up, and let it get worse or to go and take it out on the wrong person (your partner, your children, the cat or your subordinates in the workplace). That is not effective, stress management.
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How Leaders Use Emotional Intelligence
Myrna: If I’m a leader with, emotional intelligence, I would understand that change is a process and I wouldn’t get upset if there’s a lot of push back from people who are objecting to change. I would understand that it’s a process and sooner or later they will accept change. In the meantime, how do I guide them?
Robin: I think the most, emotionally intelligent, way of dealing with change is finding out what everybody needs and what everybody wants, because some people will need a lot more guidance than others. What I need will be different from what you need.
A good leader will actually adapt what they do and how they communicate with staff. A lot of leaders don’t have that time and are not prepared to put that level of investment into their employees.
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Emotional Intelligence and Stress Management
Myrna: Can you use, emotional intelligence, to, reduce stress? Is there a way you can think your, stress, away?
Robin: Yes, but to a certain extent. It’s also all about, self-awareness; it’s a fundamental component of, emotional intelligence. So, it’s having this knowledge about yourself:
What are you good at,
Are you utilizing your strengths,
Do you know your liabilities,
What are the obstacles that usually prevent you from succeeding?
I‘m not a great advocate for working with liabilities and weaknesses and trying to change them. I look at what you are good at? What makes you really special? I try and get more of that good stuff because if you can do it well, strangely enough all those weaknesses and liabilities disappear.
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Using Emotional Resilience to Manage stress at work
Myrna: When you’re at work, the things that you can control is yourself. You can’t control someone else, you can’t control the situations. If your company decides to move their headquarters and go to a different state there’s nothing you can do about that. All you can do is use your, emotional intelligence, to decide whether you’re going to go or you’re going to stay.
Myrna: Tell our listeners about your book.
Robin: My book is called the “Authority Guided to Emotional Resilience in Business Strategies to Manage Stress, and Weather Storms in the workplace” and of course it can be found on Amazon. I was very pleased for it to be published under the authority guide series, because it actually shows the level of authority behind the messages that are within the book.
But, if people are not interested perhaps in reading a book, I‘ve actually converted the book into an online course.
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You can actually go along and watch short little videos around each of the topics. You can look at those in terms of self-paced learning, so that’s another alternative. If people go to courses.ei4change.com, you’ll be able to find the course there. People can download, and get a free, Emotional Intelligence Book.
Positive change, is identifying the things that are most important in your life, and then start eliminating everything else. This is all about simplifying your life, so that you can focus on the things that matter most to you and prevents you from getting distracted.
Here are some tips on Positive Change from the book “Switch”
How to, change, things when, change, is hardby Chip Heath and Dan Heath
Here are the facts:
Change, is a process.
1: Positive Change, is usually a situation problem, and not a personal problem.
2: For anything to, change, someone must behave differently.
3: To, change, someone’s behavior, you must, change, someone’s situation.
4: For, positive change, to stick you must influence the person’s heart and mind.
A Story on Positive Change
Arthur was an airborne paratrooper. Jumping out of airplanes killed his knees, his back, his legs. When he got out of the army he walked with a cane and couldn’t do anything so he gained a lot of weight. He could not support his weight, so he couldn’t do traditional exercise. His health rapidly declined. The doctor at the VA clinic told him to accept his faith, that he would never walk normal again.
One day while surfing the internet, he came across Diamond Dallas Page doing yoga. He said to himself, I could do this. So He bought the DVD! He figured he could use his arm to support his weight and get a cardio workout. Arthur was 297 lbs when he started doing yoga.
When he started his yoga exercises, he kept falling down and falling down, but he kept getting back up again and again!
Every day he got better and better in 10 months he had lost over 100 lbs and could not only walk without a cane but he could run!!
Change, is usually situational. Arthur had a situational problem.
Arthur taught himself to do yoga because he decided to take control of his life. He got his heart and mind in the game and changed the situation!
Change is a process.
To lead a process requires persistence. Arthur kept getting back up and trying again to do his exercises.
When a, positive change, starts, it builds on itself.
The better Arthur got at yoga, the more he was motivated to keep going.
Positive change, can snowball.
Change, rarely works unless it is motivated by feeling. Arthur wanted to feel better about himself so he made the hard choices.
That’s my tip of the week from coach Myrna.
How to change when change is hard.
There can be nothing harder than trying to loose 100 lbs when you can’t use your legs; but Arthur found a way and so can you.
Our guest today is coach Dan Willms and he is a, positive change, guru. This is his space.
Dan Willms is a Life & Business Coach, an MBA Professor, a facilitator for The Leadership Challenge, a writer and an International Speaker – he is also the creator of the Positive Change Workshop and facilitates his workshops in Portuguese, English & Spanish. He has facilitated more than 118 Positive Change Workshops. He loves helping people and organizations to achieve their fullest potential. He is the co-author of the book Strategic Leadership (Liderança Estratégica) and the author of the upcoming book “Positive Change – One life @ a time”.
Dan is also my partner, we do a video blog on YouTube every week called “You asked for it” where we answer questions sent in from our social media network. Like us on Facebook to become part of our community. Myrna Young Lifecoach and Dan Willms.
Using I am Affirmations for Positive change
I am affirmations, formulate, affirm, and perpetuate the stories you tell yourself. Stories about who you are, who you can be, and what you can do. I Am affirmations, are a powerful way to, program yourself, for, positive change.
If you want to make a, change, start where you are. Start with who you are. Support yourself right here, before you have all the answers. Do that and you’ll feel more supported in the process. And that can, change, well, everything.
I am a living, breathing example of the kind of world I want to live in.
I am a powerful force for good in the world.
I am on the right path. I am moving in the right direction.
I am worthy of all things wonderful.
I am being guided to what’s best for me and everyone else.
I am powerful enough to live in accordance with my own values, desire, and truths.
I am in the exact place I need to be to get to where I want to be.
I am intentionally promoting a life filled with joy.
I am a firm believer in my ideas.
Show notes Positive Change
Question 1. Tell us about your journey to becoming a Life coach and an ambassador for, positive change.
Question 2: What is The, Positive Change?
Question 3: Tell me about your happiness labs, how does it work?
Question 4: : What were your findings on these labs from your sample size of 400 people?
Question 5: So, based on your labs, what would you say is the secret to happiness?
Question 6: Why do you think is there so much unhappiness in the world?
In this interview, I share my back story of how I became conscious and awakened, my first book, Becoming Conscious, my Awakening, the situations and storms in my personal life that resulted in my spiritual growth and evolution, and finally my topic “Are you Eating your Seed, How to Reap where you Plant”
In this episode I also share how Tony Robins “Unleash the Power Within” seminar ushered me in the direction of my purpose.
You see I was on my way to becoming a house wife when I happened to attend one of Tony’s “Unleash the Power Within” seminars and left the experience totally fired up!
Two months later, I was the proud owner of my first stretch limousine and the CEO of “A Royal Livery Limousine Service”
Six years later, I was being honored with “Entrepreneur of the Year”
The Law of Sowing and Reaping
Here is Gerald Butler’s experience with the “Unleashing the Power within” seminar!
“Fear is a huge issue for me. This technique Tony has is a really smart way to literally set those fears aside… That to me, is unleashing the power within.” – Gerard Butler
As a distinguished actor, Gerard Butler, spends his life at the next level. Between his countless roles, Gerard is also a dedicated philanthropist. Introduced to Tony Robbins through his dad when he was 17, Gerard had listened to several audio programs before attending Unleash the Power. Despite living life in the public eye and being one for adventure, Gerard struggled with losing focus and being consumed in fear. Before attending Unleash the Power Within, he even found himself nervous about participating with 10,000 other people. Enraptured by the intense energy of the event, his nerves quickly disappeared and he found himself finally able to move towards overcoming his habit of fear. Gerald learned the, law of sowing and reaping, sow joy and reap joy instead of fear.
How coaching helps you learn the laws of sowing and reaping
Life Coaching, is taking the client from where they are today to where they want to be tomorrow.
Life coaching, is different from sports coaching.
If the client does not get the victory, you don’t fire the coach!
The life coach’s role is not to design the plays, but to Help the client discover the right plays!
As a spirituality coach, I help my clients understand who they are?
What beliefs have been holding them back from success.
What are the obstacles they have to overcome to achieve success in life and the concept of, sowing and reaping.
What are some of the seeds you need to plant to reap success
Most of us are familiar with the seeds of, tithing, and giving.
The bible teaches that if you bring your tithe into the storehouse, God would multiply it 60, 100 times.
But, the law of sowing and reaping, go way beyond the physical.
My sales manager told me once to “To Reap where I Sow”
That means that as a field sales agent, I am building relationships in my, sales territory, I am, sowing seeds.
Similar to a real estate agent who farms a territory.
You don’t want to spend years building, sowing, and then leave before the harvest!
Sowing seeds, are important in your job, in your marriage, in your friendships, with your children.
The bible teaches to love as you want to be loved, you must give first whatever you want to receive!
In your job, if you are faithful, working hard every day as unto the Lord, then your seeds will grow into the harvest of a promotion.
Just keep watering the seed through service and attention.
Why does God give you a seed?
As is taught in the parable by Jesus and the 3 servants entrusted with bags of silver by their master; God expects you to multiply whatever he gives to you.
He does not give you a talent or a gift for you to bury it or hoard it for yourself; no he gives it to you to benefit his kingdom.
Let me explain that using a physical example, the apple tree. Each apple has 5 seeds.
500 apple trees can produce an orchard of 30,000 apples. Proprietary growing and pruning methods developed by Tree Plantation, can double that again to over 100,000 apples per acre.
In a similar way, God gives you seeds so that you can scatter them and produce fruit! He can blow your seeds where you did not even plant!
How to Make your Ground Fertile for sowing and reaping.
To make your ground fertile, you have to hear the word, and do the word.
You can’t reap a harvest without first tilling the soil, you have to make the soil ready to receive the nutrients to grow the plants.
One way to do this is to find your burning bush!
What did God put inside of you that he wants you to bring to fruition?
How to Equate the Laws of the Harvest to the Laws of the Universe?
Whatever you sow you shall reap!
You reap in proportion to what you sow, so sow generously.
Remember the oak tree lives in the acorn!
Small things do grow into big things.
Keep hitting the anvil, do something small every day to water the seed you have in the ground.
What is the Eating Your Seed Concept?
You have to save some of your earnings in order to plant it.
If you consume it all, you will have nothing to, sow, and you will always be without.
That is why your financial planner advises you to save 10% of your income to invest and get a return.
The bible teaches us that if you give, it will be given to you, A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.
But it starts with giving.
Give whatever you want to receive, plant whatever you want to sow!
In closing, this is your season, this is the right time, start planting your seeds, keep watering them every day and watch God turn your apple into an orchard!
How to find happiness, after a tough year, your circumstances could be bad. You could have gotten a divorce, you could have lost a job, you could have lost a loved one. Can you find, happiness, after a loss? In the, pursuit of happiness, guru’s teach that, happiness, could only be found on the inside, so we can be happy regardless of losing a loved one, losing our job, a sickness, or divorce.
But the question is portable because we can add anything after the, How to find happiness, after….! We can add, How to find happiness, after my kids leave home, or, how to find happiness, after someone close to me dies, or, how to find happiness, after I lose my job etc..
We can substitute any phrase.
Happiness, comes from the inside.
The Pursuit of Happiness
Happiness, is the universal goal of everyone who has breathe.
Let’s look first at the relationship you have with yourself. Self-love is so important to, happiness.
You have to try very hard to love yourself. If you can’t love yourself no one else can love you.
If you can’t love yourself you can never be happy.
You can start by finding one thing about you, that you love.
God knew what he was doing when he created you. Everyone has at least one thing that makes them stand out.
Find it and give it love every time you look into the mirror.
And if there is something you can change, Change it. If you can’t change it, find a different perspective on it and learn to love it.
You can change your weight, your hair color, your teeth, your wardrobe.
You can’t change your height, your skin color, your sex!
There is no sense whatsoever about being unhappy about something you can’t change about yourself or about something you can change; but won’t.
How to be Happy
I just saw one of the most inspiring movies of the decade. Hidden Figures.
As a coach, this movie had so many nuggets.
1. The women were ambitious and they took control of their lives. They did not sit around and blame their skin color.
In one scene, one of the women was bitching that in order to get a promotion she had to upgrade her education.
The problem was that the only school she could do this at was an a white’s only school. So what did she do?
She petitioned the court to change the school to an integrated school. She researched and presented her case to the judge with such passion that the judge had no choice but to grant her the motion.
In another scene, IBM computers were going to make the woman computers obsolete, so the leader of the group took it on herself to learn how to program the computer. She had to steal the programming book from the white’s only library because the colored library had no such books! That is the, pursuit of happiness, working towards a goal.
There is always something you can do to improve your circumstance.
You are either part of the solution or you are part of the problem.
I covered the other 2 ways to find, happiness, in the video.
2. Your relationship with those closest to you.
3 And your relationship with God.
As you can see relationship is key!
We are social beings, we need connection, even if it is with one person.
How to find happiness in life
I would like to end this post with this story.
I was searching the internet for a story on, Happiness, and I came across this movie called “Finding Happiness by Yogi Swami Kriyananda..“
Yogi Swami has Ananda colonies all over the world where people live in harmony and higher consciousness in nature.
Ananda means true joy is within.
Yogi Swami choose to build his colonies in nature because being in the presence of beauty is important to uplifting consciousness.
As you all know the East teaches the importance of meditation.
Meditation allows you to find your sense of security inside, it allows you to find your sense of self inside and when you find these things inside of you, you can never lose it because no one can ever take it away.
The Ananda colonies teaches that if you live to be happy, you will find things that make you happy and the number one thing that makes us happy is selfless service to others.
I also added a bonus audio on “How to control your thoughts”
As you know that, happiness, comes not from what people do to you or your circumstances but how you think about it.
So your internal dialog and your thoughts must be controlled and channeled into positivity and gratitude for you to find, happiness.
I urge you to find all the things that make you happy, and do them.
Find the things that make you happy, make it a necessity to be in nature at least once per week!
You will not only find, happiness, but you find your bliss!