Category Archives: healthy relationships

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How Single Women over 40 Find Love

How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love.  Where do they find, single men?

Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love's house, so that it is ready for Love.

Listen to the full interview here: 

Finding Love Introduction

I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love's House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.

Dating advice, for, finding love again

  1. Work on being the best you.

Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements

Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence

  1. Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
  • Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
  • Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
  • Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
  • Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
  • The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table.  Why would someone choose you?
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Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?

The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.

Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.

  1. Church
  2. Bars
  3. Gym
  4. Sports events
  5. Networking events
  6. House parties
  7. Work

Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!

Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40,  to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love,  at a bar.

My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!

I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!

I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.

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Finding love again, on Dating Sites

The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.

As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes.  I don't have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don't have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.

Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events.  They are home on their computers.

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My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.

Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?

  • It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest.  It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men,  they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with.  Some key tips, I would give are:
  • Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
  • Some,  dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract  like minded, single men,   that will give off similar positive energy.
  • Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
  • When, dating, be open to new experiences.
  • Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.

These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell  my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.

Where did you meet your husband?

  • Arifah says she met her  husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter.  He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer.  He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.

How do, Single Women, prepare, Love's House?

Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”

The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love's House.

One of the first things I remembered she said was to,

  • Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
  • Park on your side in the driveway or garage,
  • Sleep on your side of the bed. Etc.
  • Let the Laws of Attraction work on, finding love again.

You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life,  as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.

She calls this house, Love's House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.

In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don't fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.

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Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?

  • Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
  • Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
  • Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
  • Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
  • Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.

On the first floor of , Love's House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.

On the second floor of, Love's House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.

The most important, dating advice  for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.

The third floor of, Love's House,  is when, single women,  are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient,  courageous and beautiful inside and out.

The top floor is the Attic

In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40,  are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.

You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast

https://www.podbean.com/podcast-detail/acfds-6b7e1/Transform-your-Mind-Podcast

Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases  of finding themselves in, love's house.

  • Make sense of your past

In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story 

  • Differentiate

Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.

  • Seek meaning

In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.

  • Recognize your personal power when, finding love again

When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives.   We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves

  • Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts

This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.

  • Know the value of friendship with, single men

We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise

Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak

In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook.  They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.

Here is a question from Mari.  Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice,  on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?

As a, life coach, I think that, single women,  starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.

  • It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
  • You should have common interests,
  • be equally yoked,
  • have the same standard of living,
  • same religion,
  • similar sex drive.
  • The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on  your list but you are shooting for 80%.

Arifah What's your, Dating Advice, for Mari

Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.

You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man.  Once that's done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.

I also got a question on my website. www.myhelps.com/contactus

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.

How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.

All I know is that I've a great fear. I've some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man,  I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.

Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.

Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear.  It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.

It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety.   Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically.  Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.

In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror.  If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.

Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves.  As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.

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Additional Resources

How I Divorced My Imaginary Husband (and Got the Man of My Dreams)

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

http://blog.myhelps.us/surviving-r-kelly-mindset-sexual-predator/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://news.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/03/28/17/erich-gonzales-im-enjoying-my-single-life

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/the-reality-of-life-as-a-single-mom/

https://www.scarymommy.com/dating-a-single-mom/

 

healthy relationships, Life Coaching, Life Coaching Blog, Personal Development Podcast, Podcast, women

What Men Want In A Woman

Andre Paradis, relationship coach, shares insights on, what men want, and how to revert back to nature and polarity to make our relationships work. If you want to know how to have healthy fulfilling long-term relationships, listen to the end. What men want, is a woman who is sweet and lovely and warm and, feminine, and attractive and magnetic. 

Download the podcast here: 

https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/11136662-what-men-want-in-a-woman.mp3?download=true

Bio

Andre Paradis, is a Relationship Coach, NLP Coach, Educator of Effective Communications, Published Writer, Public Speaker, and Ordained Minister. Andre Grew up in Canada, and while on vacation in Los Angeles he was scouted and became a professional dancer. He has danced with legends including Michael Jackson, Prince, Paula Abdul, Julio Eglesias to name a few.

He then attended a workshop called “Understanding Women” in 2006 and started studying with some of the biggest relationship masters (Dr. Pat Allen, Dr. Esther Perel, Dr. John Gray, Shantie Feldhan and Alison Armstrong). He started sharing his knowledge with friends and family. He saw that this knowledge actually helped people lead happier lives with the people they love. He found his purpose in life… The Big Calling deep inside him. He then sold his successful Auto Shop and launched Project Equinox Coaching to help men and women learn to build stronger long lasting and healthy Love relationships. For some clients, He even officiate their weddings.

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Men are from Mars Women are from Venus 

Myrna: I have a question about a book that I've read and I still have in my library.  You said that you studied under Dr. John Gray who wrote the book. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. What did you learn from studying with Dr. Gray about women?

Andre: Well, the bulk of his work has changed since the beginning from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Dr Grey now explores men or women differences, like how we respond or act differently. What motivates a woman and what motivates a man and vice versa. The past 10 years though, the bulk of his work became the chemistry of our bodies that creates the behaviors that we do. So how does, estrogen, and, testosterone, affect our physiology.

A man's brain is full of, testosterone, the structure of his brain is similar to a woman, but the main mechanism is different, because it functions on a different fuel.  This creates all kinds of behaviors, reactions, ways of operating and the, Hunter brain. The, Hunter brain, is about, conquering, competing, fighting, pushing, penetrating, you know, control everything that's in, Hunter brain. That's the paradigm of, testosterone, chemistry.

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Women's brains are soaked in Estrogen 

So that's what’s Dr Grey’s work in past 10 years was all about that. The innate differences explained through chemistry. And for the lady is same thing similar brain soaked in, estrogen, creating a whole different machine, a whole different engine, with behaviors, reactions, temperament, blah, blah, blah. In our culture right now, everybody's about equality, so understanding the beginning of equality, the, feminist movement, equal rights equal pay equal opportunity, is important.

With equality a man should be more, feminine, more feminized, more vulnerable, more talkative, more sweet, more sensitive, to be a good man.  A woman should be strong, independent, powerful at all costs, in order for her to be valued and valuable in the world. Well, there's a big huge price to pay for these shifts that are not natural. Everything I teach is Nature and Science and not my opinion. So, if you go back to nature, these things don't work very well.

If you consider now that relationships are the hardest thing for people to attain and sustain, where it should be the easiest because we have equality now, right? Well, no, the reason for this is what I teach. What's happening out there is women are more miserable. The women in our culture for the past 15 years, almost 20 years now actually, are more unhappy than ever in the entire history of mankind.

Myrna: That’s because they can't find a man.

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Why women can't find a man 

Andre: And why is that right back to the same thing I'm talking about earlier. I'm so busy because my clients call me because they're realizing they're being sold a lemon that's exactly how they put it. They tell me I am a badass but that gets me absolutely nowhere with a man. Men don't ask me out and if I manage to get a date, he smiles and goes nice to meet you and I never see him again. I can't get past the first date. What is wrong with me? Like what is what's wrong with me? The answer is you're, masculinized, you're too manly for a man.  

Myrna: I have so much circle backs in that don't get too far. When you were talking about the men and the woman, how the man is the hunter personality with the, testosterone, and the woman is supposed to be, feminine, but now women are bad asses and are not, feminine. So, the  question I have, is that why there's a rise in, lesbian and gay relationships?  Is that is the reason that those kind of relationships are blossoming, because at least you've got the same, estrogen, and, testosterone, levels.

Andre: Yeah, well, not the way you think. And I think if I'm reading your mind a little bit here right now, it's not quite that because men have always understood men better than their women. And the same with women, they understand each other better than men.  But throughout history, that's actually the, polarity, that brought men and women together. So, that is not the problem. What is happening, is culture if we are going to peel the onion back.

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Latch Key Kids can't form relationships as adults 

We have, latch key kids, who were not nurtured as kids so they can’t form relationships as adults. When you have children, babies, infants, toddlers, young people, young kids unable to bond with their own parents, they become anxious as far as in the relationship, anxious or avoidant in relationships. They've never been bonded to somebody who loves them, so they feel abandoned.  The anxiety of puberty makes it even worse, and they will become young people who cannot create healthy bonds.

They just can't do it. Now what happens we talk about, gay and lesbian relationships, in the news, that new wave. A young girl needs so much nurturing connection emotionally, the, feminine, for mother, the young women who went without being with her mother will do it later in life with another woman.  For men it’s a little bit different for men they turn into the part of them that's missing.

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Why men don't want badass women 

Myrna: Is it true that's, badass women immediately get disqualified because she's gonna throw the fact that she makes more money than him in a man’s  face?  

Andre: You know, I'm sorry, but it's more energetic than that. If you're gonna be a, badass woman, and be a pain in the ass about it, like you push it in my face. That you are better than me. That is not the energy that men are looking for from women.  That's a man on man. I always say ladies when you can be, badass, but if you're gonna throw your balls in my face, we're gonna have a problem. And that's what, badass women, do put their balls in everybody's face. They're so proud which is fine.

You can be proud of what you do, but when you lead with that, you're more, masculine, than, feminine. You're actually arrogant a lot of times, and for sure you're irritating. Absolutely freaking irritating. If you think men like to be irritated by women, this is not why they want to date you. They want to date you because you're sweet and lovely and warm and, feminine, and attractive and magnetic. Not irritating, not pushy, not controlling, not in my face. Not sitting there like go ahead, prove it your way.

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Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

Men don't want women with bigger balls than them 

So my clients, when they find out that men aren't finding them attractive and don't ask them out, they feel completely invisible.  This is because your, balls, are bigger than his and that's irritating and off putting. You can have, balls, all you want, you need to be, masculine, to create anything to make money, but I say leave them, balls, in your desk drawer. When you get home and in public, you'd have to be a woman to attract men, otherwise they don't see you, you become invisible to men.

Myrna: So, the answer to that question is not all women that are making money and are, badass, just the ones that are throwing their, balls,  in a man's face and leading with, masculinity.

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What men want in a women 

What do men want? You said that one, a man wants a woman that's, feminine.  Let's also touch on equality. Does a man want a woman that's making as much money as him? By the way, when I asked my husband that question, he says, I can become a kept man but not If you're gonna throw it in my face.  

Andre: In my world, you could have a penis and not be a man. I believe there are three types of men:

  1. The real man: They know who they are. They know, what men want. They hold themselves accountable for everything; they have character. They have competence, you can't mess with them. You can't fuck with them. You can't derail them.  They're solid, they're strong. You can count on them all that stuff.
  2. The second type of man  is that guy who’s man enough to have a job, but it's a little job, he's not gonna have a good car, he drives a little shitty car and lives in the basement of his mother's house or he's got three roommates. No girlfriend and is silly. So, these guys are messy enough to do life. Small but okay. Except when it comes to women, they don't want to ask you out. They acquiesce and want to do whatever movie you want to go see. They are not sure, what men want. 
  3. The third kind of man are boys, they are passive and, feminine. They don't want to work. They want you to work. They're so happy that they are not paying for anything. They don't want to work, they're allergic to work.  They're offended when you say, just man up. They look like boys.  They're often very pretty because they are, feminine and want to attract women with their bodies. Their looks are lean and sexy. They absolutely don't know, what men want. 
Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

What men want: A feminine woman

We now raise men to be not, masculine, but soft, sensitive, passive, and that’s toxic.  A real man scoops women up and say hey, I'm taking you out to dinner, seven o'clock and wear some good shoes, because we are going salsa dancing afterwards.  But we shame them out of this. We say that's pushy.

What men want, is a, feminine woman. A, feminine woman, want a, masculine man. They don't want boys. Men that are boys are so smooth, they’ll tell you everything you want to hear in three days after meeting them! Oh, I think I found the one of my life, you are the one. So, he says all the right things for the first five or six weeks you finally think oh my God he is my soul mate.

He listens to me. He's curious about me I have someone to talk to.  Next, you know, he's like moving to your house, borrowing your car because he can't afford to fix his piece of shit. You're walking his dog because he won't do it. You're lending him money that he promised to pay back, but he never does. You're working two jobs while he's sitting on the couch smoking a joint and spooning the dog.  

Myrna: You're talking such truth! How do you get out of that relationship? Kick them to the curb?

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Download on Spotify

What men want, not a masculine woman 

Andre: The terrible thing about this whole situation is when you, masculinize, women, this is the type of men they attract. They attract boys. I teach nature, it's all about, polarity. Opposites attract. We know this about everything. Right? Two magnets, positive and negative, try to push two positive magnets together, right? It doesn’t work. The, masculine man, is strong, independent, powerful, conquering, controlling, pushy, fighting, all that stuff and he attracts the, feminine woman, who is more passive. Because she's smaller and weaker, more passive and she needs a big strong guy.

 It's the same all over nature. Like everything. There's a, polarity, there's two different pieces of a puzzle. that come together to complete a good dynamic. When a woman is more, masculine, and she's stuck there because of her up bringing or her culture. Her mother telling her you don't need that man. You can’t depend on men, so make sure you're independent and strong and get your own.  So, when you raise, masculine women, that's what you attract, boys.

Transform your mind iTunes Podcast iTunes
Download on iTunes

The Badass woman: can she become feminine and get a man 

All my clients that are strong, independent, powerful and they're, badass women, and they're so proud of it, are in relationships with boys, one after the other.  So, if you want a, masculine man, to provide, and protect, you have to be the opposite, feminine, to the core. I help my clients, we do actually get them from being too, masculine, after having neglected their, femininity, typically started in childhood. It's always something that started in childhood. And we're just going to calibrated them here.

Myrna: What do you tell them to do? How do you help them become more, feminine?

Andre: So how does a woman to be more, feminine?

Andre: That is simple and it's individual for all and there's plenty layers in this and the more you do it the more you get practice. The, masculine, is to be in your head and, feminine, is to be in your heart and your body. Masculine women, are stuck in their head and everything warm, radiant, lovely about them is out the window. Masculine men, live in their head we're not in our hearts naturally. Right? We have to be logical and conquerors and fighters, we can't think about how we feel.

Doesn't matter how you feel. It needs to be done. How many times have you heard me say that? We care how you feel. It has to be done. Right?

Feminine, it’s about how you feel. Anything that makes you feel good, right?  If you feel sexy, you're sexy.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

What men want: to prove that he is the best suitor  

Myrna: Does, sex, too early in a relationship prevents building a healthy long term love relationship? Women my age were always told by their grandparents don't give it away.

Why would a guy pay for the cow when he already got milk?

Andre: That's another long answer, but I'm gonna try to keep it short.  But again, its nature. In a nutshell, a woman's body and, sexuality, is her currency. Back in the days, men went towards building character, building their businesses, building their finances, so that they were adequate to call on women. They would compete against each other to be the top suitor for the best women. The guy who's got more resources has more choices. But older men became more attractive on some level, because they have more power, they have more resources, they have more assets.

Men had to build themselves up to be competitive enough to be the chosen one by a good woman.  A, feminine woman, would let herself be wooed by him, but they would not cross the line into, sexuality, until he was committed. Because, sex, that's her currency. Right? You want a good woman? You gotta be good, man. When you throw that out the window, now a man doesn’t have to work for it. This is part of what's happening in our culture. Again, not my opinion, just facts. When women give away their bodies for dinner this is what happens.

Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

What men want: A woman they can trust 

You meet a guy, you date him once, twice, three times. He like, let's roll. The women think that starts intimacy. The reality is for men, that killed it. Why does early, sex,  kill a long term relationship? Because in nature, he has to prove himself that he is good guy, that he's got character, he's got to impress her.  

And now he gets picked with almost no effort. He buys dinner three times and women put out. He's thinking I can't trust this woman. Now again, this is not a thought process is the limbic brain, the lizard brain saying, I can't trust this chick because she'll sleep with anybody. I didn't have to do anything to get her to sleep with me.

Women sleep with men because they feel it will make them his girlfriend but no amount of, sex, ever convince a man to commit to a woman. That's not it. It's the opposite.

Myrna: Let me let me interrupt that one because I've heard that men don't trust a woman if she sleeps with him on the first date. I think that they're almost expecting to sleep with you after three dates or three weeks.

Andre: You could change the rules, but it's still not working.  That's never going to work. It's never worked. And it's the worst when nobody's getting married.

Conclusion

Connect with Andre on the web:

My storyhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33PM5ehssWM

Website:www.projectequinox.net
FB Page: Project Equinox with Andre Paradis  
https://www.facebook.com/Project-Equinox-272490668761/

FB Private Group for Ladies – Freehttps://www.facebook.com/search/top?q=dating%20and%20relationship%20insights

YouTube: Project Equinox with Andre Paradishttps://www.youtube.com/channel/UCc-n26dzlCN0dcAXgubSjGQ

Additional Resources 

How to Embrace Female Sexuality and the Divine Feminine

healthy relationships, Life Coaching, marriage makeover, Personal Development, Personal Development Podcast, Podcast

Building Relationships With Relational Mindfulness

Relational mindfulness, is the humanistic practice of compassionately relating to others, with an open mind and mutual respect. By putting aside your own beliefs and judgments, you can better empathize and understand others from their perspective.

Download the podcast here:

https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/10971762-building-relationships-with-relational-mindfulness.mp3?download=true

Bio

Shari Foos is a Marriage and Family Therapist, adjunct professor and the creator of The Narrative Method, a California 501c3 non-profit organization. Part of the Human Connection movement, TNM creates programs, products and experiences that address the growing isolation and need for real connection through sharing stories. Foos also co-founded the Bridge in 1999, a free humanities program for low-income adults at Antioch University Los Angeles. She received a MS in Narrative Medicine from Columbia University and a MA in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles.

As a sought-after expert on the subject of, relationships, remote group dynamics and meaningful connection, her writing and commentary have appeared in a range of online and print publications and podcasts, including Real Simple, Huffington Post, Women’s Health, KBLA, Fatherly, Thrive Global, Shondaland, The LA Weekly, Sparks & Honey Culture Briefings, Sondership, Let Pleasure be The Measure, and Bustle. Ms. Foos serves on the board of the City Kids Foundation and is the recipient of the New Directions for Veterans Community Hero Award (2015) and The Antioch University Los Angeles Lifetime Achievement Award (2016).

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Childhood trauma affects our adult relationships

Shari: I do think every one of us has had, trauma, different degrees, but we certainly all know the feeling of loss or shame or humiliation, or unfair treatment etc. I think of emotions like a piano with all of the keys, we have all of them to different extents at different times. But even if we don't always use those really high notes or the low, low, low, notes, they're there and that serves as our empathy. And because of that, we can sit with someone who's going through something terrible that maybe in our day-to-day life, we've never experienced, but we can feel it in our soul because it's a human experience.

When we put ourselves aside to be truly present and available with our lovingness acceptance or non-judgment or empathy, to hear someone's story, from their perspective, not our judgment or assumptions. That person feels better. No matter what the problem is, they feel better, because without being heard, we go crazy, that is all part of, relational mindfulness.

When someone comes to you who you love, and they're really excited about something and you're so excited with them, that’s when you are aligned, right? You are, head-to-head, heart to heart. That's easy. But when somebody comes to you, with a complexity that you have a lot of feelings about whether it's addiction or someone's choice of spouse or whatever that may be. It's more difficult. And that's why we practice awareness, wonder, empathy that is called, AWE, or, relational mindfulness.

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Building relational mindfulness with AWE

Myrna: Exactly. And here's where I think it's going to lead into something else, I know you're interested in, which is, relational mindfulness.

You had a bad childhood bridge, the gap for us. How did you go from having a bad childhood to being a therapist, and a, marriage therapist? Did it have something to do with your parents’ marriage?

Shari: Well, yeah, that wasn't very good, my father was a rageaholic and it was at a time where even more so than now, there was a lack of understanding about, mental health. And so, he wouldn't seek treatment and it just wasn't in the mentality of people then. So as a result of my having a childhood in which I was wounded, and on top of that, I was never heard or seen, you know, and it's not uncommon. Lots of people grow up like that, but don't know that it could be better. So, I was fortunate in that I had friends and I would go to their houses and see like, Wait a minute. This is different from my house.

I watched Leave It to Beaver, where the father would, talk, about it in the library. Our family definitely didn't have talks.  As a result, and probably because of who I came in as into the world, I've just always been incredibly passionate about what makes people feel behave. So, I would study my father,  the sweat on his upper lip, depending on what was happening there. I knew he was about to blow, and that's when I got interested in, body language. 

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Relational mindfulness starts with reading body language

Myrna: That is excellent on so many levels. One, let's, talk, about the, talk, issue. I mean, I love that, when I'm talking to someone on the show, I can always bring in personal experience.  I read a lot of books, I listen to podcasts and watch television shows.  Just yesterday, I was watching of all things Reba, where the it was meant to be comedy, but Van was talking to Reba about her relationship with her daughter and he says, you guys do something called, talk!

And that was so funny. And that's basically what you're just saying. You went to other places and saw people actually talking and there was no talking going on in your house. So, you're right, about your, childhood trauma. Everything starts from there. In fact, I was even reading this book yesterday and it says that every child goes through some kind of emotional damage, even the ones that think they had a great, childhood.

So, talk to us now about, relational mindfulness, and how this, awareness, builds, relationships.  You know, a lot of times men has moods, and women have moods, and being aware of when they're going into a mood or something could be, relational mindfulness.

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora
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Talking is the start of communication

Shari: Right, that's a great concept. And it's a great question. Here's again, I know it's a new word. It's gonna take a while to sink in. But that talking thing, talk, talk, whatever. When you live with someone, you don't have to consciously think whoa, his shoulders are slumped or, her bottom lip is really pouty  but there is a tremendous value in our being able to break down the, communication, the nuanced, communication, that is silent, because it's one thing that we rely on we rely on it not just for survival.

That's what lovemaking is. And that's what disconnecting is. So, here's, here's a good thing that you may do consciously or unconsciously, but you could see that the other persons in a bad mood, and then maybe it triggers you to think, Oh, great. Now I got to take care of you. You know, I have some needs too, but had you been able to, talk, to the person you both might have found out what was going on with each other? Here's the number one thing to do. It's so easy. If you need to have a serious, talk, because when we, talk, about, relational mindfulness, it's a very deliberate action.

It would be really hard to live in that 24/7 You know, but it's a state of hyper awareness. Of the impact of your words, settled communications, as well as the other person's. And the idea is you never begin a conversation like that, unless both people in this moment feel willing to be selfless and take turns listening.

And it's okay. It's gotta be okay if the persons not there. Because we know that sometimes they'll say, okay, I'll talk about something. And if your heart isn't into it, and a person is asking you to really look at it from my perspective, if there's resistance, it's not a good time to talk about it. It's okay, let's wait.  That's, relational mindfulness.

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Relational mindfulness builds deeper connections

Honestly, you could cancel out so many problems with, relational mindfulness. It's just good to hear for 20 minutes five minutes, whatever. Would you be willing to have a session of all where we're both agreeing to mutual respect, awareness, wonder and empathy, taking turns sharing our feelings and then reflecting them back to the other person.

Reflecting them back in the storyteller, making sure that they've got it right. And lovingly, of course, correcting each other, then we've got it right. Now we can move on to another point that the same person estimate or the other person can share their perspective, but constantly check in because it's a lot to put yourself aside, especially when somebody is saying things that like, you know, 10 minutes ago.

Wait a minute. I don't agree with that. So, one thing I often will do for myself is I'll keep a little pen and paper just so that I can get something off my mind. I don't even have to look at it to scribble it.

Or ask the person to stop, but everybody realizes that this is a very focused state that is difficult to maintain. There are times we maintain it for a long time, especially for meeting somebody new who may not be pushing our buttons the way our spouse does, but who out there has or has had a spouse has never felt like I've told you that a million times before.

I mean, if they had said what they thought they had said, you would have heard it. The problem is either in the delivery or the receiving, let's find out. Let's find out with the, communication.

Transform Your Mind Amazon
Transform Your Mind Amazon

Awareness wonder and empathy

Myrna: That's a good point. So, you're saying when they say that I've told you a million times, they've said it in their heads but not to you?

Shari: Or the way that they're articulating it? isn't getting through to you.  A lot of times, they're saying the words but their body action is not is not conveying the message, and the receiver doesn't actually believe it.

Myrna: So that's great. But I want to circle back to something you said there where you're right sometimes is not the right time to ask somebody to talk or ask somebody to get into. I like that, you know, awareness, wonder, and, empathy. I normally work with energy, because I can feel, energy. And I know when it's not the right time because of, energy. How do you respond with that?

Shari: Well, I think there are two factors for me in terms of reading someone else. One is certain things are obvious. For instance, if someone's crying, you don't necessarily know right off the bat, why the person is crying, or if they're crying for joy or sadness. You soon see the difference. But we can misinterpret someone because of the way they think about something.

So even though I pay attention to my instincts, I always check in so you know if I see someone's upset and I feel like they want to be alone, I still want to say I don't know what's going on. I don't know if you want to, talk, about it, but I want you to know I'm here for you or I want you to know I'm so sorry I have to leave or whatever is true for you.

Myrna: I like that, because sometimes you see something and there's one and why are you bothering me? If you're saying you're just checking in, I don't know if you want to, talk, about it or not. That's good, but I'm just checking in let me know when you want to, talk, or something like that.

Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM
Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

What is relational mindfulness

We're touching a lot of stuff on, relational mindfulness. How would you describe, relational mindfulness?

Shari: Relational mindfulness, is the humanistic practice of compassionately relating to others, with an open mind and mutual respect. By putting aside your own beliefs and judgments, you can better empathize and understand others from their perspective. And that's really what it is. So, the idea is, we take turns, especially if we're having a problem with each other, we've already tried both talking at the same time.

And I know, we both know, we're right, but I'm right. Okay, we've done that. And at some point, we may get to a place where we decide I'd rather communicate than be right sometimes I'd rather apologize can be right, because if you perceive that my action, or behavior, or style or subtle communication was offensive, it doesn't really matter. If that was my intention. I am sorry. I'm especially sorry, that wasn't my intention.

Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

How does awareness wonder and empathy deepen relationships

Myrna: How do you think that, awareness, wonder, and, empathy, deepens, relationships?  What does the science say?

Shari: Well, first of all, one thing that connects our brains is, eye contact, which we can accomplish online which is amazing. Our, eye contact, connects us, syncs our brains. And if we were in MRI machines, you will see our brains are lit up in the same place. But if our backs are to each other, first of all, we don't know what expression is on someone's face.

Maybe their faces are mean. If you're at some level of aggravation, it’s a good time to not have an, AWE, session. Take care of yourself first, run around the block, take a shower, ask for a hug if you're able, you know, but we need to do what we can do to kind of get our homeostasis back. I suggest to people this self-soothing tool that you can do any place at any time. You take your dominant hand, put it on your heart, and when you really start feeling your heartbeat, you let your hand take comfort from that and vice versa. So, it's a loop of calm. I don't know exactly how I'm going to deal with this moment.

Conclusion

Myrna: Tell us about your company The Narrative Method.

Shari: This is the organization I founded in 2014. And it is devoted to bringing together people from completely different backgrounds to connect through sharing the stories of their lives and creative experiences. So, as I mentioned earlier, we do writing groups that are for free on online and they last one hour. You write for a total of 20 minutes, you see pictures, you get prompts. You go into breakouts; you share your stories. At the end, we do this mosaic where everybody pitches in one sentence. One hour, in and out.

Nobody has writer's block. Nobody's judged, nobody's wrong. There's no mistakes possible. People have a blast with themselves, because we're really working on how to turn on your creative faucet without that voice inside that says how many.  And then the conversation groups which we do on Thursday nights are a matter of seeing compelling videos about anything.

Then getting a prompt and going into breakouts and sharing a story that just came up as a result of those things. And so, people get to know each other because there's no small talk. And it's fascinating to hear, not just another person's story, but whoa, that made you think of this? It's fascinating. It's so cool. We offer those free. We have classes, we do trainings. The website is www.thenarrativemethod.org

https://youtu.be/56vHerZMDlk
Additional Resources

Nothing is Impossible: How to Turn Life's Challenges Into Opportunity

blog, happiness, healthy relationships, Podcast, relationship coaching

Finding Love The Second Time Around

Today my guest is Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is a best-selling author, award-winning motivational speaker, and relationship expert, specializing in, second time around, today we're going be talking on the topic “How to find your diamond the, second time around,” I am going to enjoy talking to you because I've been around more than twice!

Bio

Let me tell you more about my guest Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is the founder
of Dating Diamonds, a service that empowers women to meet the right man the, second time around. She is the creator of the “First Date the Soulmate Program” and since she has helped over 500 women meet the right man by designing a personalized plan. She helps them implement that plan. She's polished the art of relationship in her 40 year marriage to her, soulmate, husband.

Her strategy benefits men too, after all the more knowledge you have the more you can thrive. Her clients can be found in major cities including Sydney, Washington DC, Sacramento and San Francisco. She mentors women to use the story of their lives to create the relationship they choose the second time around. Patricia has her master's degree in American literature and an adult IDI
credential from San Francisco State University.
She holds coaching credentials from the Academy of Excellence and the
Windless Institute. She is a certified matchmaker with the matchmaker Institute and, second time around, coach.

Patricia also produced and hosted the TV show called the Patricia Fuqua show, a platform for using intuitive and spiritual practices as guides for better
relationships.

How to find your diamond the second time around

Well Patricia that is a very excellent Bio, it covers a lot of territory.
I always like to start off my show asking my guests of their journey to this point in their career. Can you talk about your journey to becoming a relationship expert and author specializing in the, second time around? I know that you've been married for years and I need to say congratulations right off the top because that is quite an accomplishment; but how did you transcend your own relationship to becoming a coach?

Patricia: Well, now I've honed and polished my communication skills; but it wasn't always this way. There was a time in my marriage when I
was depressed because I was juggling career and the needs of young children
and my husband. I got really depressed because I was really feeling sorry for myself and then I got mad went into this deep funk. It wasn't until I discovered that I had the choice to be happy or to be sad that I started to turn myself around.

It wasn't my husband, it wasn't my children, it wasn't my job, it wasn't my life. It was the way I was looking at it so, when I discovered that I could be happy as a choice as well as being sad, I started to reach for better feeling thoughts, finding something good about everything and anytime somebody made me upset or I felt overwhelmed. I said okay so what's the silver lining here?

Helping women find love the second time around

I started to get answers and so as I discovered the power of choosing how I was going to feel about any situation or any person or relationship I said to myself this I have to share with the rest of the women in my life, because we could be so much happier if we only knew we could just choose to do it. I have the technique to show them so that's when I became inspired to start coaching women because I love happy people.

I just love being around happy people and helping them
learn to be happy the, second time around.  Helping them to have more love in their lives.
I always been a spiritual person studying spiritual practices, some people would say religion, and always I wanted to be in alignment with source, some people would say God, Universe, Higher Intelligence. There are many names
for that creator and so as a result that's how I started coaching. I started
saying well this is what I've learned about being happy and in love, so I'm
wanting to share this with you and we can personalize it for you so that you
too can have more love and happiness in your life.

And that one day that I had this record-breaking seminar for women, it was just like they were lined up around the table and down the aisles waiting to speak to me. I was just giving them these nuggets of wisdoms and, second time around, nuggets that I had come to from my reading from my study and they were walking away happy, so it was a great day.
It was it's one of those peak experiences.

We are all looking for happiness

Myrna: Wow that is awesome and you know a lot of people would go through that process and keep it all to themselves, so it's absolutely great that
you through that process realized that everything is better when you share.
That's an overstatement, everything is better when you share. God gives
you a testimony, so that you can share and you can encourage and it's really
profound that you had this really record-breaking experience of everybody
wanted a piece because you've hit on something.

Happiness, is a rare quality, even when you've got all you want
somehow a lot of people are still not happy and you know it's really
interesting; but I did an interview on this show with a monk
called Swami G about 2 years and this morning Facebook shared the memory.
I reposted, he was saying that happiness doesn't come from external
Sources, just like you have figured out it comes from inside and that's why you
know the Buddhist monks talk about enlightenment, because when you're
enlightened you know suffering and unhappiness doesn't come to you.

I woke up this morning with some heavy things going on in my
life and my children, and when I posted it. I said, I wish that
I myself can tap into that field today. I was meditating this morning from very early in the morning and it just didn't work because my mind was too busy. So, if you have gems that help people, that is why they're lined up because it's something that you know we all require at some point in time.

We don't have to be depressed but some days just knock you down. Good story so I'm glad that you were able to bottle your experiences to help others to get there as well. You touched on something as well about you being
very spiritual and connected to source. So my second question is how can other women use intuitive and spiritual practices as a guide for better relationships the, second time around?

Let's just add happiness on to that.

That’s the exciting part of my practice because when I'm sharing with women the seven principles that are in the book, Second Time Around,
meditation is number one and I'm glad that you're a meditator because even
when we feel that, oh my God my mind is so busy it didn't make a difference, it
does make a difference because you're quieting your mind,
and it can give you a different perspective on a situation.

I've learned over time that women need to or benefit from having a different
perspective on the situation, or relationship, and dating and love and
happiness because we can as a group, are very sensitive and emotional. Some
more than others, and when we can tap into that place where we're feeling not
as positive as we could and start to look at least one positive thing
about a situation, you recognize what they're feeling and to shift.

It's kind of like this morning you said you woke up with heavy feelings and the meditation didn't feel like it was making a difference, however if it ever entered your mind that oh well this is something I could be thankful for in this
situation, that is going to raise your emotional tone.
We get stronger at managing our feelings and eventually we get to the place where we can move more quickly up this emotional scale to happiness or at least optimism, and after meditation if you say to yourself oh well it wasn't
quite as bad as I thought because B and C is in place, you move up the scale.

You are correct, this morning I didn't come up with
any positives, but I came up with some guidance and that's basically what
happens when you quiet your mind right the Universe, God, your
Higher self gives you some guidance and some next steps.

What are you bringing to the table

Some of the other principles have to do with just mining. Like gold mining your own story to figure out what you really want to experience in relationship. Some women want to feel pampered and protected and privileged, and you know what is it each woman needs is to discover or to remind herself what she really wants to experience in relationship. Some women are very conventional and they like the idea of having a man play a man's role, do the man things in in the conventional sense, manage the house, take out the garbage,
that sort of thing.

Other women want somebody to plan their fun, so what is it that helps you feel the way you want to feel in relationship, that you would like that other person to be doing? That's one of the key principles, there are seven total principles we don't have time to go into them all now. Meditation to manage your own
thoughts and feelings. Now it your, second time around, what are you bringing to the table?

Awesome, alright so again we're touching on mindsets a little bit, so this is an interesting question for me to ask you because we're specifically talking here about the, second time around. Women who has been divorced, the woman is maybe in a committed relationship, maybe not necessarily married; but they're
starting over again and your mindset is very crucial because your mindset can
actually keep you from making this a positive experience.
So what mindset do you coach your women and men then that they have to develop when they're in the, second time around?

I have the attitude that there is a lid for every pot.

Know what you want the second time around

That's an old southern expression that means all they have to do is be very clear on the vision of what they want to experience and they will meet that person.
So those mindsets have to be in the present. If we're going to develop a relationship a, second time around, that is satisfying and that can last. Having a lid and every pot means that there's a match for you somewhere, and if you have a clear vision on the match you know as a coach as well any coaching whether it's for whatever you want just have a clear vision of it and that's the way you attract it to you.

I was thinking that is the most important mindset that they have to develop is that they have release the baggage of the last relationship. How do you feel about that?

It's important to be aware of the baggage of the last
relationship because it can be like a weight around your ankles pulling you
down and away from what you want. It's also important to be able to shift
that attitude that you might have developed, that feeling about
relationship or about the opposite gender that you had. The awareness the
self-awareness of knowing what that attitude is that's blocking you will
allow you to come up with an alternative, so that you can do the things, say the
things that will help you attract that clear vision that you have. That's the
lid for your pot so to speak.

Myrna: Like I said in the beginning of the podcasts, I've been around
the block several times myself and what I have found. To clarify I have been married like four times, what I have found is that a lot of times the baggage is
you come out of a relationship and there is a negative experience you make sure that there's not that a negative experience is not in your next partner;
but a lot of times you find something else right, so how do you coach women
around “hey I don't want to have a guy like that again kind of scenario?

Let the laws of attraction work for you

Patricia: I understand what you're saying and the Law of our Universe, some people call it the Law of Attraction but the way it's
set up is that it wants us to be happy that law is God in action or the
Universe in action or the Creator in action. We are put here to have fun
that's the point in the studies that I have had and so when we focus on what we really want the universe hears.

The trick becomes being able to manage your feelings and
your thoughts and your attitudes so that you're focusing on what you really want it doesn't understand anything except for what you spend the most time
thinking about, so if you're spending most of your time thinking about oh my
God that was the worst relationship ever, I never want to see a guy like that again! Well, that's what you're going to get more of or some variation, because you're spending so much time on it and that's what a Universe is answering.

That is the perfect answer because, yes that is exactly what happens.
That's why a lot of women go in relationships that are
almost the same because they keep attracting the same kind of man or the
same kind of relationship because they're saying well this is this is what
I don't want. Let's take an example of a cheater, this is what I don't want or
even an abusive relationship, and then you are cycling through those all the
time because they tell the universe what they don't want and that is exactly what shows up. I like what you said, whatever you spend time thinking about
whether it's what you don't want or what you do want then that's what's going to show up. Excellent answer.

Myrna: Who would you say is your ideal client?

My ideal client is a woman of experience and substance who has had more than one relationship, I used, second time around, because that's a very familiar expression; but she usually has raised her children, she's launched them into college or into the work world and she's comfortable in her career and in a single mom.

All these years I've been raising the kids I've been taking care of other people. I have a great social life; but where is my special partner? I like this woman. I prefer this as the ideal client although men in the situation my teachings work as well; because they have had enough variety and experience they know what they want through conversation and we can plan how their strategy is going to roll out and make it happen.

I shouldn't say make it happen but we can work with my spiritual principles so that they're very clear on what they want, they know how to manage their mindset, they know what they would prefer to experience, they're open to using these practices. Example: One of my clients was sitting at an
outside café in my little town here of Menlo Park one afternoon with her
college son who was home for the holiday and a man saw her at this outside café, parked his car came over to meet her.

She had been trained by me who had the strategy of being approachable, she looked radiantly beautiful; because I said honey anytime you go out you have got to look good. People are attracted by the visual. She was in line with that and so he came over sat down next to her as if he were her best friend they started chatting well as her calm was being the hostess and making him
feel comfortable; because she found out right away that he was her type of
guy. At the end of that short conversation, he passed his telephone
number to her on a napkin and said if you want to continue this just give me a
call, that was six years ago. They're still together.

It's about being clear, always being ready so you don't have to
get ready and being ready for who comes into your world; so that you can check them out and decide if you want to get to know them better.

Always be ready so do don't have to get ready

I love the last tagline. I think Will Smith says that best he says you
should always be ready cause if you're ready, you ain't got to get ready.
All right now let's get a little personal and transparent. I know
you've been happily married for over forty years
you talked in your BIO in your journey or your history that
there was a period of time when you were depressed, because you're doing so much, and your happiness came after you decided that you had
a choice and it was not your husband or your kids job to make
you happy.

I absolutely love that. I know this personally because that's the reason I'm finally happy. After running around and trying to find happiness by having other people give it to me, the reason I'm happy in my relationship
is because I meditate and I do me. I don't depend on anyone
else to be to make me happy. I make myself happy; but I saw this in
print the other day when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had left her. He
cheated on her with the nanny and I think she was having an interview and
she said point blank that it was not Ben's job to make sure that she was
happy. I'm sure a lot of people that are not in our space
wouldn't understand that; but I absolutely loved it.
So what would you say is the reason for your marital success?

Marital success second time around

Well marital success the, second time around, means also that there's a the dark side of it that there are some times that are not successful and after years there have been times where I haven't been successful at being happily married and so now that I am happily married, that I've gone through some things so the idea here is every situation that has conflict in it.

I have learned to ask myself what would you prefer here Patricia? And when I get the answer to that then I can get busy, I can start conversations. In the book, I'm leading women to go from “first date to soul mate” with these principles and it doesn't stop once you meet and develop the relationship with your soulmate, the conversations and the communication has to continue through the inevitable conflicts that happen between two people in an intimate personal relationship.

So as a result I've learned to use that very powerful question
“What would you prefer here Patricia?” That tells me that I
need to start doing my practices and asking that question.
What is it you want the man to do? What it is you
want the woman to do? We don't communicate what we want we just fight about it because we're expecting to be mind reader's.

As we wrap up our show today, Patricia how can our readers and listeners get in touch with you and get a copy of your book, second time around?

I would love to chat with people or let them know a link for the book and so I would ask people to just email me Patricia@datingdiamonds.com Put in the subject line “chat” or “Book” and I'll send you a copy of the book
which will go into some of the seven principles that I talked about.

Remember to subscribe to the Transform Your Mind podcast on iTunes
and leave a review. Much appreciated.

Additional Resources

What Men Want In A Woman

blog, book, career development, financial freedom, growth plan, happiness, healthy relationships, Life Coaching, lifecoaching, Mindset Transformation, Personal Development, Podcast, relationship coaching, setting goals

How to Use the Law of Attraction for Couples

How can the, Law of Attraction for couples, help you to thrive at home and at work? NYT best selling author Christy Whitman talks about thriving in your relationships this week  on the “Transform your Mind with Coach Myrna” podcast.

Christy is the author of “Quantum Success 7 essential laws, for a thriving joyful and prosperous relationship with your work and money”

Life coach Myrna Young interviews Christy on her, personal development, life coaching podcast.  I am speaking  to 2 Times New York Bestselling author Ms Christy Whitman. Christy is also the author of “The Art of having It All”, Perfect Pictures, and “Taming your Alpha Bitch” and she has a new book that's coming out in September that's called, “Quantum Success, 7 essential laws, for a thriving joyful and prosperous relationship with your work and money”

Law of Attraction Thriving Introduction

I am so excited to be talking again to Christy. This is our second in a series of 3. Our topic today is coming directly from Christie's new book.

iHeart Radio

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Christie Whitman is a Transformational Leader, Celebrity coach, New York Times bestselling author twice, one for “The Art of Having it All” and the second for “Taming your Alpha Bitch” I love that title! Christy has appeared on The Today Show, the Morning Show, and her works have been featured in People's magazine, Seventeen, Women's Day, Hollywood Life, and Teen Vogue among others.

Christie is the CEO and founder of the Quantum Success Learning Academy and Quantum Success Coaching Academy a 12-month, Law of Attraction, coaching certificate program. Christie has helped thousands of people through her empowerment seminars, speeches and coaching sessions, and products.

Christi's life-changing message reached over 200,000 people a month, and her work has been promoted by and featured with esteem authors and luminaries such as Marianne Williamson, Dr. Dwayne Dwyer, Marci Shimoff, Brian Tracy, Neil Donald Walsh, Abram Hicks, and Louise Hay. She currently lives in Arizona with her husband Frederic and there are two boys Alexander and Maxim.

Christy's Journey as a Law of Attraction for Couples Coach

Myrna – That’s was a very impressive Bio. I loved reading it. As a, life coaching podcast, I am always interested in my listeners learning life skills from my guests stories. You've done a lot, you're quite accomplished. Can you give us a little bit of your backstory? Tell us your journey to becoming a successful, Law of Attraction for couples, leader and, quantum success, coach .

Christy – Sure, I always had the drive to be successful, and worked with the, law of attraction, back in day about 20 years ago, before I found the other universal laws, I did what it took to take action. I had perseverance. I went after the things that I wanted. I was able to focus, using the, law of attraction for couples, but whenever I got there, I never felt satisfied.

Using the Law of Attraction for Couples to Bring you Happiness

I never felt happy, never felt like it was enough. So no matter what I accomplished, it just didn't good. When I actually accomplished something great, it actually would feel the opposite. I remember almost feeling let down, like okay well I was supposed to have this epiphany. I was supposed to have this, amazing feeling. I would never find that feeling of satisfaction.

When I learned more about, the law of attraction for couples, about 21 years ago, I really learned about how your thoughts create your reality. I had already been successful and I had a great career going. I was making money and yet, just wasn't satisfied. I just felt like all the things that I was told would make me happy it wasn't working and I was starting to think like what's wrong with me.

I thought if I had money, if I had the career, if I had a boyfriend, if I had this great body, look a certain way, then I would be happy, and none of the outer things were doing it for me. It was when I found a sense of myself, through meditation on the, law of attraction for couples, and through really returning to myself, stopped focusing outward on everything and everyone outside of me, a healthy selfish me.

I found I was coming back to myself. I started paying attention to the thoughts that I was thinking, that was activating, the law of attraction for couples, and how I was feeling and what I really came to understand, what my body of work really has been now, is that I have to be very mindful of that no matter what situation we're in, we can always find peace.

How to Have it All using the, Law of Attraction

How the Law of Polarity interacts with the Law of Attraction

The law of Polarity, there's a lot of things to appreciate and be grateful for. That's what my bodywork has been. My whole training for last 21 years has been really sensing within myself where I am. Thinking thoughts of lack and limitation, where I comparing myself to other people. I look at other people and go oh my GOD, there's so much more successful than me and then start feeling bad about myself and feeling like what I've accomplished is not enough.

Or do I compare myself to what other people are making? Or what impacts are my thought having? Those are times to check myself, look for what's right and good about my life and about my family and everything in my life versus what's wrong and bad.

These are a different training and a different mindset to come from a perspective of abundance instead of lack and limitation, and that's really where my internal work has been. Each time I shift up belief, a thought, a perspective from lack and limitation to one of abundance, my life just expands and explodes.

So those are the principles that I write about in my new book, Quantum Success, is that we're all searching for some type of success, and the accolades. You know what society says is this is accomplished, then you'll feel successful and a lot of people get there, and they feel empty, they feel like that it doesn't have much meaning in their lives or they're not feeling satisfied or fulfilled.

The truth is that as long as we're chasing things outside of ourselves we're always projecting our happiness or our fulfillment outside of ourselves. Fulfillment is never outside of ourselves, it's within ourselves and it's in the present moment. where all of our power exists.

How does The Law of Attraction for Couples Help in Relationships

Myrna – My first question is How does understanding your belief system help women and men who are functioning at high levels in their career or own their own business, but they're still struggling to find contentment or happiness? How does understanding the, law of attraction for couples, help? How does understanding, quantum success, principles help in relationships?

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Christy – Our beliefs are one of the ways that we create. I mean when you think about it, when we have a belief and there is such a conviction that this is so, that this is the way it is, we will create that's what we are expecting to receive. It's what we are expecting life to give us. We can't create outside of our beliefs. If we believe that something good is going to happen, we then create something good.

There's an underlying belief that what we are creating we the deserve. We're not deserving or whatever it is; but we are always creating attracting things from the beliefs that we hold and here's the good news. If we look at our lives and we're not satisfied, we need to shift what we're not satisfied about. Look at what the contrast is in our life, what we don't want and allow that to be the springboard for what we do want.

I always ask myself when I'm finding a situation or circumstance happening in my life, I always ask myself what would I have to believe in order to create this? How does understanding the, law of attraction, facilitate my knowledge?

How Journaling helps Relationships

It's an empowering question. I recommend even journaling about it because a lot of times if you sit there and if you haven't done this practice before, you will not come up with an answer. I would take 10 mins with paper and I would journal. In order to create this situation what would I have to believe? What would I have to think? What would I have to be feeling in order to attract this?

You become more self-aware. I mean it's really the process of self-awareness and when we can slow down enough to pay attention to ourselves, that is the richest thing that we can do. Not only are we connecting with ourselves, which most of us don't do these days we're so busy with so much going on our lives, we need to take the time to slow down and connect with our own self, to know ourselves, to know what you believe about this and that. Beliefs are not either right or wrong. This is a, life coaching podcast, so I will answer with life coaching tips.

I love when you said that most people are not conscious. As a Guyanese, I want this to also be a, Guyana podcast, Most people including Guyanese people, do not understand the, law of attraction, You use the word self-awareness which is another term for consciousness. I've spent a lot of time with that word in meditation and being aware. I live in higher consciousness, personal development, yet at my level right now, I will not be able to look at a situation and figure out how I created it.

I'm not there yet, but I'm in the less than 1% of the world that actually are working on self-awareness, consciousness and, personal development, As a, life coaching podcast, I teach my clients basically that whatever they want, they can create. It starts with their thoughts and starts with their belief system. You and I are both, personal development, coaches and one of the first things I do in my coaching sessions, the first couple of weeks is basically we talk about beliefs and we look back at past behaviors. You can actually figure out what you believe from how you have navigated situations in your past.

The Law of Attraction for Couples and the Universal Laws

What exactly is the, Law of Attraction, and why is it important to know the universal laws and, quantum success? The, Law of Attraction for couples, for me when I learned about it completely changed my life and the reason that they completely changed my life or that my life completely changed is because they're for me like knowing the rules of the game or knowing the recipe to a really good cake or you know the plans to build a house.

I always say how successful would you be if you were going to go play baseball and you never saw the game before? You never knew how it was played? You don't know what the rules are. Someone hands you a bat and says okay hit the ball. You can’t play the game if you don’t understand the rules of the game. What to do when you hit the ball? How can you get thrown out etc.

Life is similar, you have to learn the rules of the game, you have to learn the playbook. The first step is about learning these, essential universal laws and the, law of attraction, and applying them so that you become the deliberate creator of your life instead of being a victim of circumstances. There's always going to be some kind of circumstance or situation or event or person that shapes our experiences.

It's what we do with those experiences the perspectives that we hold, that will determine what we continue to attract in our lives. So the more you learn about these, essential laws of the universe and, the law of attraction. Knowing these universal laws is knowing the rules of the game.

The Seven Universal Laws

I try to make myself a million dollars by working with the, law of attraction, and the seven essential universal laws. We live in a vibratory universe, our universe is all about vibration. Modern science and quantum physics have now proven that everything from a human being to a rock is full of energy. Everything is energy, our thoughts our feelings, what we say, what we do, everything is coming out of us like an energy tower and we as an individual person are sending out energy signals all day every day.

The, Law of Attraction, is just matching those signals that we send out, and giving us more of the same. Now it's not a tit-for-tat kind of thing, it's not like oh I told someone they were a jerk and now someone's going to call me on a jerk. It's not like that literal, but if you're sending out negative vibes you could be in traffic and someone could cut you off and you're experiencing road rage, that negativity for example that wave of negativity will then cast out a returning wave of negativity to you.

So we have to be mindful about the energy that we are sending out. The thoughts that we think, the language we use. We don't feel good when we're sending bad vibes out, so using feelings helps makes for better choices.

For example, language like I choose not to put up with this marriage anymore. I choose not to be treated like that anymore. I choose not to waste my money or spend my money on this right now. Those are more empowering ways and languages that we can use that actually do make a difference in what we attract. The, Law of Attraction for couples, is really a mirror reflection. I like to think of it as a boomerang, it's like what you're sending out it's coming back to you.

The most important law from the seven essential laws of the universe, I believe is the, Law of Sufficiency and Abundance. This law states that everything in the universe is abundant. Most of us are experiencing abundance of lack or pain or suffering, but the universe is always going to give us an abundance.

If you look at nature and look at trees you can't say we can't possibly count the amount of leaves that are on a tree or how many waves crash up again against the shore in the ocean, or count the raindrops that are coming down from the sky. The universe has always functioned in abundance, and to get what you want from the law is called sufficiency and abundance, it's being in a satisfied place.

It's coming from sufficiency. You get there by appreciating and looking for the good. In your life right now, in any situation, I don't care what it is you can find the good things about it. The law of Polarity says that every subject is really two subjects, it's the halving of it, or the not having of it. It's the lack of it or the abundance of it, and when we can deliberately choose how we want to focus, what we want to believe, what we want to appreciate, or not.

How Gratitude engages the Law of Attraction for Couples

Were the ones in charge of which area, what side of the spectrum, we want to be on any given subject, but the doorway into abundance is sufficiency. You start by practicing gratitude. I first started doing gratitude meditation, I would literally walk around and think of a hundred things a day, listing all of the things that I was grateful for and that would raise my vibration, it would make me feel so good and things started, almost like magic, would start being attracted into my life.

Another thing you can do is think about one thing you're grateful for and think of 20 things or reasons why and it's not lip service, it's not like I'm grateful for my husband and I'm grateful my kids, there's no energy behind that, there's no pain, you have to feel the emotion. Doesn't work unless you feel. That's why affirmations work for some people, and they don't work for other people because people are like I'm abundant, but there's no energy.

The other Universal Laws

These are seven essential laws of The Universe:
• The Law of Attraction,
• The Law of Allowing,
• The Law of Pure Potentiality ,
• The law of Oneness,
• The Law of Balance and Harmony,
• The Law of Sufficiency and Abundance,
•
These universal laws, when you apply them and learn how to work with them, they will absolutely change your life.

The Universe sends human beings countless signs and symbols over the course of their lives, and if you are able to comprehend them, you’ll be able to sense when you’re on your destined path in life—and when you’re not. Please read the list below to make sure you haven’t missed any vital info, and to ensure that you’re on the right journey.

Here are 13 signs The, Law of Attraction, is working for you
https://ewao.com/2017/10/24/13-signs-the-law-of-attraction-is-working-for-you/
I love the Law of Sufficiency and Abundance. Deepak Chopra used to say we are just like a wave in the ocean, that the universe is abundant. We're not going to run out of water, we’re not going to run out of grass, sunlight. I've used this Law, let's say that you want a promotion and your friend gets it.

You're jealous and you're envious, that is a blockage because it means that you believe that is universe does not have enough for the both of you. if you say I'm happy for my friend, because this world is abundant and she's not taking my job, there's more available for me, and you're happy and you celebrate that person's success, what that’s saying is that you believe that the world is abundant.

You believe that whatever God can do for her, he is going to do for you, and that's where a lot of people don't get it. They're always envious and they're always catty and they're jealous and they can't celebrate your success. Abraham talks about this. She talks about contrast, she says go out there and look for contrast, look for things that you don't have and say that's what I want and be happy for that person. But most people don't live there. The do not understand the, the essential laws of attraction.

We’ve been talking about the, law of attraction, the playbook, personal development, quantum success, and making this a Guyana podcast, for my people.

Be aware of fear and desire. Awareness helps balance them ~ Deepak Chopra

To get a FREE copy of Christy’s book, Head over to iTunes snd leave a review for the Transform Your Mind with coach Myrna podcast, then head over to www.quantumsuccessbook.com and Kristy will send you her new book when it comes out in September for free. All you do is pay for shipping. Kristy will be back for one more episode.

Our topic will be “How to reverse the negative momentum in your career.” So remember to subscribe and you will not miss any new episodes. If you are from Guyana, I hope you enjoyed this, Law of Attraction podcast, leave me a shout out in the comments.

Additional Resources

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healthy relationships, Podcast, relationship coaching

Dating with Purpose: Motivated to Marry

Amy Schoen, dating and relationship coach share How to understand the mindset of the, Motivated to Marry, and the rules for,  dating with purpose,

Be sure to subscribe on iTunes, iHeart radio, TuneIn radio, Google Play, Stitcher Spotify podcast players, and RATE and REVIEW.

Bio

For over 14 years Amy Schoen, a professional certified life and relationship coach, has helped marriage-minded men and women get off the dating merry-go-round and finally find their life partner. She also helps her clients build a loving, committed relationship that lead to, marriage, if that is their goal.

With the proven, Motivated to Marry, © Dating Secrets Coaching Program, Amy’s clients discover what they truly want in a life partner, often finding their “perfect” match, within 6 months to a year's time! Finally they can now direct their energies towards being with their life partner, friends and family and enjoying their life pursuits.
• Amy is the Author of, “Motivated to Marry,- Now There’s a Better Method to Dating and Relationships”, “Get It Right This Time” and “How to Find and Keep Your Ideal Romantic Partner”. She has been featured in many radio, TV, and newspaper articles on, dating and relationships.

• Amy lives in the Washington, DC Metro area with husband (#2) of 16 years, and her 10 year old son. Find out more about Amy, her services, programs and her monthly Motivated to Marry podcasts at www.MotivatedtoMarry.com also available on iTunes.

Dating with purpose: meeting the man 

I have top-down approach with my clients, we first look at what you want for your Life. It's being clear about your life. I go deep into the values and there's a way for me to really kind of flush them out and pull them out because people think they know their values but when they go through my process they really kind of see.

Over 80% of my successfully matched, motivated to marry, couples met their
partners through, online dating, after they applied my process and, dating advice.
They become so empowered and they don't take crap from anybody. I train them to watch out for those wishy-washy men who like well, maybe I'll get married someday, maybe I'll have a family one day.

Dating Advice: What to talk about on a First Date

I say on a first date there are three things that you really just
need to pay attention to: Here are, dating advice for first dates.
1. Does the conversation flow?
2. Do you not see any real apparent deal-breakers? The things
that you know are not going to work for you.
3. Are you somewhat attracted to this person? I mean not like you
can't even imagine kissing him!

I mean usually within three or four dates you know whether somebody is
Going to work and if they are, motivated to marry,

What does, Motivated to Marry, mean?

We throw around the term, motivated to marry, so much since that is the topic of your book and that's the topic of your expertise.
Motived to Marry, it is a, mindset, it's, dating with purpose,
It came to me as I was dating and I was in my late thirties and I'm standing at a
party and I'm talking to this guy and he's really cute and he plays with a
band and he's going off to Europe for six months, and I'm kind of like
a strategic Maximizer, so I'm listening, I'm like oh my God, he's not, motivated to marry,

Characteristics of the, motivated to marry, man or woman?

Dating with purpose, means being able to spot the, motivated to marry. The, motivated to marry, is basically somebody who if a woman looking for a man. I would say that he's secure and is stable financially. Stable career, like everything else in his life is set, except he's missing the missing the relationship piece.

These, motivated to marry, men tend to hate singles events and being single. They desire to have a steady companionship rather than the stress of continuing going out. I would say more introverted people tend to be, motivated to marry, and that's why, online dating, has been phenomenal. Introverts love the internet because it's a one-to-one medium.

How many dates should you go on before becoming exclusive?

Here is some, dating advice. By the fourth or fifth dates, you know whether you want go further. I have a whole thing about when to be exclusive and what you need before you would be willing to be a exclusive. To stop dating other people and just focus on this person. In the, motivated to marry, model I suggest that you kind of have to have the conversation about how long you're going to be in a relationship before expecting to go the next step. I told my husband when we were dating, I'm not dating to date, I'm, dating with purpose, of marriage and having a family.

I'm, dating with purpose, I absolutely love that phrase because you can weed out so much without being intrusive.

Dating advice from Amy

I have a self-learning program I call a Home Study the, motivated to marry, dating on purpose, secrets program which is eight modules and it takes you through the,  motivated to marry, process in terms of getting to know yourself better, your goals and your values, which values to focus on as well as your must-haves or deal breakers and non-negotiables; so you really build way to really sift through people quickly. I also give you a lot of ideas about how to meet people.

I have 12 areas that I've identified of areas that we need to pay attention to in
A relationship and the conversations we need to have with our partner and then I also give you some tools some, relationship tools. I have written article on the test of time as long-term couples have lasted and I have the relationship dating hurdles.
The steps that you need to get from, dating to engagement.

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Other Links and Resources:
How To Get Your Super Motivated Boyfriend to Marry You
http://blog.myhelps.us/5-mindset-transformations-permanent-relationships/
http://blog.myhelps.us/alchemy-desire-episode-5-long-term-relationship-dance/

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Namaste

Additional Resources

How Single Women over 40 Find Love

blog, child abuse, healthy relationships, Life Coaching, lifecoaching, Podcast, relationship coaching

10 Ways Childhood Trauma Impacts our Ability to Love

10 ways that, childhood trauma, can sabotage your love life and relationships. Relationship Coach Riana Milne joins The Transform your Mind podcast to discuss, childhood trauma, and how it impacts our adult life. Riana is the best selling author of “Love Beyond your Dreams” and “From Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success.”

For anyone who have had trouble maintaining healthy relationships, listen to find out if your have any of the, childhood trauma, that can affect your love relationships.

 

How Childhood Trauma affects Adults
How Childhood Trauma affects Adults

IN THIS EPISODE YOU'LL LEARN:

How does, childhood trauma, impact adults in life and love?
Riana goes over ten, childhood traumas, and relate them back to how they show up in our lives as an adult.
To get the most out of this topic, Riana advise the listeners to Get a sheet of paper and make three columns.

The first column you put “ME”, the second column you put “Your partner” and the third column you put “Your parents” because research shows, childhood trauma, go through the generations.

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https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-Transform-your-Mind-29542107/

So here are the ten, childhood traumas:

As I speak them remember that when you were child you're very young and innocent all you knew is what mom and dad modeled to you so there’s
nothing to feel guilt or shame about.
I don't want people to say no it didn't happen because they're embarrassed or they feel shame around it.
If it is a fact, if it happened write it down.
It is like putting a puzzle together. Once you know what your, childhood trauma, is and then how it's showing up as a for you as an adult.
As a coach, I can start putting the pieces together and everything starts making a whole lot of sense.

My favorite line is you can't change what you don't understand.

Childhood trauma, #1 addictions

1. Addictions – as a child, did your parents have any addiction?
Now we typically think of drugs and alcohol, but there's also sex addiction.
If your parent was a cheater or watched porn, have an eating addiction, was a hoarder, spending or gambling, workaholic etc. There's 11 addictive behaviors.

Childhood trauma, #2 Verbal Abuse

2. Verbal abuse – Did you witness your mom and dad screaming and yelling at each other? This, Childhood trauma, is typical is yelling screaming but this also includes no verbal alkaloids, no compliments, not hearing I love you
verbally humiliated, or put down, your opinion means nothing, or statements like “you'll never amount to anything.” Comments like that.

Childhood trauma, #3 emotional abuse or neglect

3. Emotional abuse or Neglect – Your parents were not around, being gone for long periods of time. Research also shows latch key kids let's say they came home from school at 3 o'clock and mom if they're in a single household mom
had to work 9 to 5. That child is alone for two or so hours.

There's anxiety around that. So that even falls under the neglect believe it or not. While we're out trying to support our kids there home alone.

Childhood trauma, #4 Psychical abuse

4. Physical Abuse, Rape or Molestation – This, childhood trauma,  could have happened in or outside of the home. Physical abuse is being beat hit in any way other than the typical spanking like a quick spank on the butt. Research shows that spanking does nothing to help teach your child anything, so I always say when I do parenting lectures in the schools we're supposed to teach our child another way.

If you're beating them or hitting them you're teaching them to be violent back. We don't want to do that.

Childhood trauma, #5 Abandonment

5. Abandonment – There's two types, childhood trauma, from abandonment. Fault and No Fault abandonment.
Here are three examples, childhood trauma, from no-fault abandonment.
• a parent has to go off and serve at war
• a parent happens to die early
• early a parent travels away from the home a lot for work. 20:24

Here is an example of “Fault” abandonment:
• Divorce and the mom or dad leaves the home and is supposed to see the children every weekend and is either late or
cancels, does not pick up the child. The dad is spending more time with his new girlfriend than he is paying attention to you the child.

Childhood trauma, #6 Adoption

6. Adoption – if you were adopted, part of the foster care system, or you needed to live with relatives because mom or dad couldn't take care of you, that even includes Grandma's, aunts or uncles. I had a client who signed up with me she
asks “How about if we chose to live with another family because we didn't want to go home? I said yes that falls under this category because there was always yelling and screaming in her household so she didn't want to go home.

Childhood trauma, #7 personal trauma

7. Personal trauma – This comes from being bullied, feeling different not fitting in, being a little overweight as a child or like me skinny and gawky. Many people remember being bullying not part of the sports teams.

Childhood trauma, #8 Sibling trauma

8. Sibling trauma – Your sibling could have been born with a medical issue where it demanded more of moms and dads time. Or they could be bullying you, but most often this one applies to if you perceive your sibling as being the golden child. They were more athletically beautiful or handsome or intelligent getting better grades and mom or dad gushed over
them versus you. You were always trying to prove yourself and say see I'm worthwhile too.

Childhood trauma, #9 Community trauma

9. Community trauma – If a parent was incarcerated, if you moved a lot like military families. In the U.S.A military families move every two to four years. Growing up in lack, growing up in dangerous neighborhoods, that's all
family trauma and community trauma. Today we can also have, childhood trauma, if we have active volcanoes, massive fire, floods, hurricanes, mass shootings in our community.

http://blog.myhelps.us/whats-your-story-breakthesilence/

Childhood trauma, #10 Mental Health

10. Mental Health – Bipolar, Manic Depression, Hidden personalities. We have Sociopaths and narcissism is part of community trauma. Sociopathic means that they have no regard for your emotional feelings, they act on what they want, when they want without thinking about their partner or the repercussions.

I am unlike every other love coach, because I specialize in how the past has harmed you and what you're attracting. We call it same person different face. The repetitive toxic relationships and this happens to my clients who are very successful
in business but they struggle in love. They can't figure out why like I can get the career right,

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1. The Coaching Game features 65 associative cards that explore significant everyday life themes.
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3. Faces is a powerful way to get to know ourselves through the observation of others.

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Riana is offering a FREE eBook
Get it here:
www.HavetheLoveYouDeserve.com

 

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE to the PODCAST so you can get new episodes as they are uploaded. You can listen on, iTunes,  TuneIn radio, iHeart Radio, Stitcher and Spotify.

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Additional Resources:

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4 Ways a Traumatic Childhood Affects Adult Relationships

What happens to us as children can affect the attachment style we carry into our adult relationships. Childhood Trauma, hugely influences attachment. Often people who grew up in happy, healthy, and stable homes where caregivers were emotionally available and responsive to their needs have a secure attachment style. These people don't push partners away or cling too tightly. While they may have troubles in their relationships, an unhealthy attachment style isn't the cause.

The Long Shadow of Childhood Trauma

A new study suggests that stress experienced early in life damages the ability to assess risk, creating young adults with poor decision-making skills.

blog, healthy relationships, Life Coaching, marriage makeover, Personal Development Podcast, Podcast

Help Me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Help me, makeover my marriage, improve intimacy, find personal time and communicate better with my, husband. Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Welcome to the premiere episode of, Help Me Makeover My Marriage. Today we are going to talk about, communication, in a  marriage. 

I'm your host Life coach Myrna Young, my guest today is Michele Brunson and together we want to share our experiences in our, marriages, to help you, makeover my marriage. 

Listen to the full Episode Here:

I can be called the Marrying Woman

I have been married four times so you can call me a, marrying woman, for a total of 30 years.  Michele has been married for 25 years. Her husband died last year, we give her our condolences. 

We want to  help you to with your, marriage makeover. A lot of times when things are not going right in our, marriage, or our, relationships, we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, so we think I'm going to be able to find someone better, but I'll tell you,

 “The grass is never greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.” 

 

Wherever you put your attention on, wherever you put your focus on is definitely what's going to grow. So Michelle and I will give you, marriage advice,  and strategies to help you to, makeover my marriage. 

Treat your husband according to knowledge

The reason we're saying that, you need to be the change you seek, is because I've always remembered what my Pastor Tony said to me years ago, maybe about 20 years ago. A lot of times we don’t use knowledge and knowledge is never useful until used. Pastor Tony said to me. “Whenever I go to God, I never ask him to change my, wife, I ask him to change me.”  

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The reason that’s important is because like me and most of you, we're always blaming our, husbands, or our partners for whatever is wrong in our, relationships. I am in my fourth, marriage,  now as I said before and I came into this, marriage, with all kinds of expectations. 

I was in my 40's when I got, married, this last time, so I had a lot of stuff that came with me. 

  1. Baggage and expectations and I brought it all into my, marriage, and we started having all the same problems again because you are the common denominator if you have multiple, marriages, and everything  follows you. 

When I decided to change ME my, marriage, started getting better.  This was 20 years after I heard that advice, a lot of times we have knowledge and we don't actually use it. My current teacher,  Pastor Glover would say

“treat your, husband, like he's your king and love him the way you want to be loved.” 

So that's what I did and a remarkable thing happened!  I found out that I enjoyed serving my, husband,  I enjoyed treating my, husband, like my king and our relationship started to mend, because I was no longer pointing fingers.  I was no longer you not talking to him because of something he wasn't doing. 

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So, in this episode and subsequent episodes we're going to give you information on how to change YOU,  because it all starts with you. 

In this first segment of “Help Me Makeover My Marriage,” we're going to do a question and answer, later segments we'll have guests come on the show. Today we are gonna start with questions that was sent into us from my  Facebook group called Lifecoach 

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

Help me Makeover my Marriage and get Intimacy Back

Our first question comes from Debbie in Miami, Florida.  Debbie writes:

I've been married for 12 years my, husband,  and I have two children ages 7 and 10. I immersed myself in the role of mother and, wife, as a, stay-at-home mom, while my, husband, worked full-time and saw his role as the provider. 

As a, stay-at-home mom, I rarely took time for myself and began to resent my, husband, for not helping with the kids and not paying me any attention. Our, intimacy, suffered and my resentment built up.  I even started looking outside the, marriage, for fulfillment. 

Debbie’s asks, Help me, makeover my marriage, and recapture, intimacy? 

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Myrna – Debbie I had a similar experience with my second, husband, and my, marriage, ended

because I built up resentment and never communicated  this to my, husband. The situation was reversed. I was the breadwinner making most of the money and he sat around doing nothing because he told me that housework and looking after the kids was women's work. 

So, here I was paying all the bills and I was being treated like the maid. I built up resentment and that, marriage, eventually ended, but now I know better.  Again knowledge is only powerful when you use it. Now I know that what Debbie should do is to ask for help. She should say to her, husband. 

“Babe I know that you work all day and you're the provider for this family and we made this contract that I'm going to be a, stay-at-home mom, but I need a break. Can you help out?”

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I need you to help around the house. I need you to help with the kids, because being a mom is a full-time job. He goes to work from nine to five and then he's off, but a mom is always on the job, it's a full-time job. Maybe also get a babysitter for kids every two weeks or something and have date night so, that you guys can be together without the kids and recapture, intimacy. 

So my advice to you would be to Help, makeover my marriage, is: 

  • First of all ask for what you want 
  • And second, make the time to do your part. 

If you have the, intention, that you are gonna love your, husband, and you're gonna appreciate him for being the breadwinner, because that's what he is, and you show him appreciation, he will give you back love.  

Michelle what would you say to Debbie from your experience? Mitchell is actually an Intercessor, so maybe you can bring in a biblical touch or scripture from the bible that can help Debbie, makeover my marriage. 

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Michele – Myrna I want to thank you for having me on your show.  My advice to Debbie to help her, makeover my marriage, would first off be pray for your, husband, first because most, wives, don't start there. Pray for your, husband, because God is his creator and he will change any situation concerning your, husband, and if your, husband, is providing for the family no, husband, wants to come home after fighting all day at work and have to fight with his, wife. 

So, the first thing that she needs to do is have peace in her home, if her, husband, is  providing and it's for a season, because like you said y'all in this contract together and you chose to be a, stay-at-home mom. 

Another, marriage advice, would be to have a schedule because some women don't know how to have a schedule. Monday you might do one thing, Tuesday something else. Don't try to do everything all at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed and burnt out. 

If you feel mis-valued in your, marriage, you should have, communication, with your, husband, about it. You should value one another, you value him as your king.  Once you start with valuing your, husband, and appreciating him for who he is. He's going out there making it happen every day and providing for you and the kids, you should make him feel comfortable in his own home. 

Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora
Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Marriage Makeover Wives become a Woman of Noble Character

As, wives, we create the atmosphere in the home. I would have her reflect on Proverbs 31:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

11. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

12. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

13. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

14. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

15. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

16. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

18. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

19. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

21. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

26. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”  

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Help me Makeover My Marriage Self-care

Myrna – That's what we fail to do sometimes as women, we forget to take care of ourselves.  Self-care, is very important and that's what she's lacking, because she's so consumed with looking after the kids she's not doing, self-care.  Self-care, also leads to, intimacy, because if you look good you're going to feel good and your, husband, is going to feel that, sexual energy. 

What advice do you give Debbie for re-establishing, intimacy,  with her husband? 

A practical way couples can rebuild, marital intimacy, is through cultivating nonsexual, affectionate touch: sitting close to one another on the couch, hugging, holding hands, loving kisses and caresses. For some couples who have experienced a drop in, intimacy, engaging in sexual intercourse can seem like a bridge too far. Help them get there by encouraging them to simply embrace and touch one another. Affectionate embraces from a spouse can communicate deeply of care and love in, marriage, without the encumbrance or burden that every touch signals one spouse’s desire for sex.

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I have always scheduled personal time with my husband, even when we go on vacations. 

One time we take the kids and one time we go alone. Women do not understand that they need personal time alone with their spouse without the kids to keep, intimacy, alive. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage Personal Time

Michele – I would get up before everybody else in the house got up for my, personal time, of  prayer because that really set up my entire day. Once you pray and set the environment, your day will be less stressful. 

Myrna – That's good, marriage advice, a lot of women take time for, self-care, at the end of the night when the kids are in bed. 

Before we go to the next question let's circle back to reiterate that, wives, got to appreciate their, husbands, for what he does for the family.  In this case Debbie need to show appreciation for her, husband, as the breadwinner. 

Maintaining long- term Relationships
Makeover My Marriage – Intimacy

Our next question for Help me, makeover my marriage, comes from Hollis in Atlanta, Georgia.  Hollis writes I have been married for 10 years,  my, husband,  and I have a good, marriage, not great because he does not like to talk.  The slightest disagreement sends him into his, man cave, and I can't reach him or get him to talk, Help me, makeover my marriage, and improve my, communication, with my, husband. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Like I said earlier the, marriage advice, that I'm giving is, marriage tips, that I can pull from my personal, marriage, experience. Right now I'm married to a man who does not like to talk and i like to talk. So normally I would lead the conversation and he would sit there and listen, then I would say you know conversation is a dialogue and he would say I'm listening to you. 

But recently I changed that model. I just finished reading the book “What Happened to You” By Oprah Winfrey and Dr Perry.  Dr Perry was explaining why kids who experienced trauma don’t talk. 

Dr Perry discovered that not even trained therapists can get these kids to talk until they are ready.  You just have to give them time and space. Sometimes it means sitting or doing projects in total silence.  When they are ready to talk, they will talk. 

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Transform Your Mind PTWWNTV
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So I used that information and now when I sit with my husband,  I just let there be space and whenever he's ready to talk then he will talk. It's very uncomfortable for me because I like to talk.  But I did and so far this approach is working. We have had some good conversations from this approach.  

Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Help me Makeover My Marriage and get my Husband out of his Man Cave

Michelle what was your experience with your, husband,  with, communication. Did he go in to a , man cave? 

Michelle –  First of all, we all have different temperaments and personalities,  my, husband, was more of a, phlegmatic. Phlegmatics have an unemotional and stolidly calm disposition.

So he was a laid-back, easygoing type of guy. 

It's been said that a woman speaks a thousand more words than the man so, I would just find something that interests him to talk about.  Most men don't analyze things the way we do and they're not as emotional as we are. We like to talk about everything and they don't always understand why we need to always be talking.

Myrna – So let's say that you wanted to talk to your, husband, about quality time, for example, or something that's going on in your, relationship,  did you start the conversation talking to him about something he likes to talk about and then kind of steer the conversation to quality time? 

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Michelle –  Our quality time was watching TV together or shopping for groceries. 

Myrna – Okay I was just using quality time as a placeholder for any conversation you want to have with your husband that was important. 

For example, once in a while I would  want to talk to my, husband, about where our, marriage, is going or where we see ourselves in 10 to 15 years from now, or something like that. 

I am a Life coach right and I want to steer the conversation in that direction my, husband, would push back and say you're not my coach!

So getting back to Hollis’s question. What advice would you give to move her, husband, out of his, man cave, and get him to open up? 

Husbands need to process things longer than Wives

Michelle – I would tell her that men have to process things, so I would give him time. 

If they had a conflict or something, men and women process differently.  Wives, want an answer right then while, husbands, might take a day or two to process before they want to discuss the situation. 

Myrna – I like that answer, give them time to process.  I would add give them space to process.  Don’t go into their, man cave, and harass them.  Let them be until they are ready to come out. 

In the meantime don't withhold love or affection. 

Even though we're not talking about a physical, man cave, even though some men have a physical space they hide out in, we are talking about going into the mental, man cave.  

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Conclusion Help me Makeover My Marriage 

In this premier episode of, Help me, makeover my marriage, we had a couple of questions and even though they might look different, they're both dealing with, communication, in your, marriage. 

Debbie didn't really communicate with her, husband, that she needed help around the house or that she needed him to pay her some attention,  she just built up animosity that he wasn't doing these things. 

Hollis wanted some information on, communication, with her husband once he's in his, man cave. What to do either to get him out of the, man cave, or prevent him from going into the, man cave. So, communication, is very important, marriage counselors, say that it is the top reason couples get divorced. 

I started off the segment talking about what we can as, wives, to change instead of asking God to change our, husbands. We need to learn to deal with our, husbands, according to knowledge.  If we know they don’t like to talk, then we should not push the issue.  Like I learned from Dr Perry, let them talk when they are ready. Even if they don't want to talk they have ears to listen. 

Remember to ask for what you want.  If you need help around the house, ask for help.  If you need affection, ask for it. 

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When you don’t ask for want you want or communicate your desires, then resentment builds up and the energy in the house changes. You can feel tension. If you have the intention to have peace in your home and to love and appreciate your, husband, he will feel that energy and your home will be peaceful and full of love. 

Thanks for reading this blog, listening or watching to the premier episode of “Help me make over my marriage”  I will post and air an episode once per month, please subscribe to the Transform Your Mind To Transform your Life podcast to get all new episodes in your inbox. 

Until next time Live Life to the Fullest. 

Additional Resources

The Best Marriage Advice for Wives to Fix a Broken Marriage

 

blog, healthy relationships, Life Coaching, Life Coaching Blog, lifecoaching, Love and Religion, mindset, Personal Development Podcast, Podcast, Spiritual Fulfillment, transform your mind

Why is Renewing Your Mind Important?

When we talk about the, renewing of the mind, it is not simply about changing or adjusting how you think, but renewing your sense of, self-consciousness. Renewing your mind, impacts your conscience, which is your sense of what is right and wrong. It impacts your heart, which in Hebrew literature is the center of your being.

Renewing your mind, runs much deeper than simply making confessions and changing how you think upon a thing.  Apostle Paul teaches “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind”

Pastor William L Glover speaks on the biblical principles of what God meant when He said “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

Listen to the full interview here:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/8876218

 

Pastor Glover just completed a powerful series on, renewing the mind, it was a four part series, you can watch the full series on the Mount Hermon Ministries YouTube Channel. But today we're going to pick some of the important pieces of that, renewing your mind, series to share with you.

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Bio and Intro for Pastor William L Glover

Dr. William L. Glover is the Senior Pastor of Mount Hermon Ministries. He also oversees the Dew of Hermon Early Learning Center and is Campus Director of Life Christian University at Mount Hermon Ministries. He has a strong mandate for Education, Missions, Leadership Development, Justice Ministry and reaching the lost for Christ.

Having ministered in nine different countries on 29 international trips, Dr. Glover is an anointed teacher, preacher, and international speaker. He has assembled ministry and medical teams that have seen thousands of souls saved and thousands more received desperately needed medical care.  His passion is to reach the globe, but God has fashioned his heart in the shape of Africa.

Through Mount Hermon Ministries, he is very involved in reaching his community through educational empowerment.  He is a founding board member of L.I.F.E (Lee Interfaith for Empowerment), a Network of Congregations committed to finding solutions to systemic justice issues in Lee County; is an Executive Board Member of Healthy Lee, a group of faith, business and health professions committed to inspiring healthy life styles, and chairs the Religious Affairs Committee of the local branch of the NAACP. Dr. Glover is also Co-Founder (with Pastor Cheryl Glover) of Redeeming Influence Community Outreach, a non-profit that serves blighted communities.

Dr. Glover has earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in Bible and Theology from Southeastern University (formally Bible College), a Master of Arts degree in Religion from Florida State University, a Master of Education degree in counseling from Florida A & M University, and his Doctor of Ministry degree in Theology from Life Christian University.

Dr. Glover is also the author of the three books: Justice: God, Nations, and Systems, which examines the role of faith in addressing systemic justice issues which plague the systems of men; 30 Days of Excellence, a daily devotional that focuses on cultivating a culture of excellence in Faith, in Speech and in Life; and Ready for the Harvest, a study on how to release the principle of seedtime and harvest into your life.

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Dr. Glover is married to Pastor Cheryl Glover. Four wonderful adult children enhance their lives: Brittney, Jade, Jana and William II. Dr. Glover credits God for His demonstration of goodness and continues to trust in His faithfulness throughout his Pastoral Ministry.

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What Does God Mean By Renewing the Mind

Myrna – My first question to you Pastor Glover  is why did why do you think God wanted you to preach on, renewing your mind?

Pastor Glover – that's an excellent question Myrna. I ended the 2020 year with a series of messages entitled, living in your redemption. The idea being that God had already paid the price for redemption and that he's redeemed our lives from destruction.

Whatever destruction has occurred in our lives, be it:

  • personal,
  • financial,
  • relational
  • emotional
  • mental

 

God has already invested in the price to redeem and restore us from that destruction. That message was received so well that I began to contemplate well how do I get people to embrace that, mindset, and the, renewing your mind, messages were born. If a person can hear something, but if it's not internalized and if it's not received, then it's not going to have an impact on their lives.

So that series of, renewing your mind, messages was born out of that realization of moving people from the point of where they are, to living in the redemption and, renewing their minds.

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Renewing Your Mind: the 3 parts of your mind

Myrna – you talked about the three different parts of the, mind, that God wants renewed.

Can you share with us the three different parts of the, mind?

Pastor Glover – Sure there are different aspects to each individual sermon, but the broad overview is the reason the, mind, is important is found in the wisdom literature. Scripture reveals that the, mind, is connected to and influences:

  • our psyche
  • our conscious
  • and our heart

 

When we talk about, renewing of the mind, it is not simply about changing or adjusting how you think, but it impacts your sense of, self-consciousness. It impacts your, conscience, which is your sense of what is right and wrong. It impacts your heart, which in Hebrew literature is the center of your being.

So, renewing your mind, runs much deeper than simply making confessions and changing how you think upon a thing.  Apostle Paul teaches “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the, renewing of your mind”

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There are 3 action verbs in this sentence.

  • transformed
  • renewing of the mind
  • conformed

 

One is internal and one is external.  It impacts our, psyche, our consciousness, and our heart.  So it is the, transformation, of the total person, the total being.

 

What is the Flexible mind, the Fluid Mind and the Fixed Mind?

We need to have a conversation about what kind of, mindset, you are working with.

  • Is your, mindset, flexible?
  • Is your, mindset, fluid?
  • Or do you have a, fixed mindset? Which could be good or bad depending on what it's fixed on.

When we talk about the, psyche, the, psyche, being your sense of, self-consciousness. Why do we need, renewing of your mind, in your sense of, self-consciousness? Because it's our sense of awareness, our sense of, self-worth. It also is our mental and emotional health, so if your, mind, is not flexible, you need work in your sense of awareness.

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The Flexible Mindset

Some people who are not self-aware or there's some people who suffer from, low self-esteem, or there's some people who are damaged mentally and emotionally. If you don’t have a, flexible mindset, which means pliable then you will resist God doing the eternal work in your, psyche, to, transform your mind.  So, in order for, transformation, to occur you have to have a, flexible mindset.

 

There can be no, transformation, if you're unwilling to change.

The Fluid Mindset

Conversely a, fluid mindset, means that you are evolving, you are open to change. If you don’t have a, fluid mindset, you internalize and have what some call “stinking thinking.” You have a toxic, mindset, about yourself or about people. For instance oftentimes when people experience hurt in a relationship, they'll say I’ll never trust another man again or I’ll never trust another woman again.

 

So, if you don’t have a, fluid mindset, you're not willing to let that hurt go and embrace truth.

 

The Fixed Mindset

The third, mindset, you mentioned was a, fixed mindset. Just like when we lay concrete, we have to do the work before the concrete sets, because once it sets it's fixed. So, we have to be careful what we let set in our minds. We have to do the work while the concrete is fluid and pliable.

 

A, fixed mindset, is like set concrete.

 

Renewing the mind, is like renovation of a house. You’ve got to rip out things, knock down walls or beliefs before you can put in the new things or new learnings.

 

When we're inviting God to, transform your mind, then we have to understand our, psyche, our, self-consciousness, and our heart. That's why the, mind, is so important because it is connected to all of these aspects of the human person and they're all interrelated yet distinct.

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The Fixed Mindset is Like Concrete

Myrna – Someone with a, fixed mindset, like concrete why did you say that God can use this person?

In the, Life coaching, world, when we talk about a, fixed mindset, we're saying that there’s no growth in this person. But if your, mind, is set like concrete, is it possible for it to be changed?

Pastor Glover – Well yes but again you must have awareness of your, fixed mindset. You can get at that concrete two different ways. Through, transformation, which speaks to internal work that has to be done. The word, transformation, comes from the Greek word metamorphosis and so that speaks of going through a, transformation, but it starts from the inside out.

 

The other word that's used is, renewing, which literally has to do with renovating. When concrete sets, the only way to change it is to get a jackhammer and that's very painful work. People oftentimes will not choose to do that work, because it is painful, noisy, and messy. But if you're going to lay a new foundation in your life, you must do the, mental, emotional and spiritual work to jackhammer a, fixed mindset.

 

Myrna – How can God jackhammer to change that, fixed mindset?

 

Fixed mindset in  marital relationships

Pastor Glover – I think an example in the context of, relationships, particularly in the context of, marital relationships, a lot of work that has to be jackhammered in counseling sessions really has to do those, fixed mindsets, about marriage that have been set, but are toxic and are not healthy.

Couples have very different ideas about the foundation of a, marriage, and what it should be about. It is really about how men and women are socialized in our society. Young girls are socialized towards inter interdependent relationships. That's means they play together, they share much more readily than men do.  They are invested in group success as they are reared and everybody kind of having a good time.

Boys are socialized totally different. They are taught to stand on your own two feet, be independent. Be a man, don't share your emotions. So, men are much less equipped than women in, marital relationships, to handle a, fixed mindset, that's why women are 10 times more verbal than men.

One of the fun exercises I like to do when I’m dealing with, communication, is I’ll ask the man and the woman to get a sheet of paper and have each one writes me all the feeling words they are aware of. The woman's list is four times longer than the man,

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How can God Use a Fixed Mindset?

I’m curious though you also say in your message that God can use a, fixed mindset.

Pastor Glover – When you lay concrete, it's properly set, it is suitable for what you want to build on it. So, let's pull in this conversation, purpose and destiny. If you have great purpose or great destiny, you have to take the time to lay the foundation. If your foundation is fixed, God can build on it.

 

People do not take the time to factor in the type of foundation they need to lay to accommodate their dreams and visions of what they want. That can be applied to anything, in my book “30 Days of Excellence”  I teach that excellence is in the foundation that you lay for, purpose and destiny.

 

Be ye not conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

 

Why did God say that do not be transformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind?

The World is Battling for your Mind

Pastor William L Glover – Because it is all a battle for the, mind. This simple principle is found in Proverbs.

 

“As a man thinketh so is he”

  • Your, mindset, determines the reflection of who you are and it determines who you will be.
  • We would never be greater than our thoughts about things.
  • We would never rise above our thoughts about things.
  • We will never allow ourselves to be pulled beneath our thoughts about things.
  • Our thoughts reflect where we are going.

 

It's a battle for your, mind. The world we live in today, people don't want to do the work, to think for themselves. There is professional, think tanks, and these, think tanks, think for people and feed them what to believe, what to say.

 

They all are vying for our, minds, we don't tune in to learn anymore from the news,  we tune in to determine what we need to think. So, hence “do not be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the, renewing of your mind.

That, transformation,

  • happens through the word of God,
  • that transformation happens through your relationship with God
  • that transformation happens through a community of faith like-minded believers who are committed to growth.

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Transformation is from the heart.

Your, heart, which is the center of your being, the seat of your soul and this is important because wisdom literature teaches us that we should guard your heart for from it flow the issues of life.

Everything that matters, that's important to us impacts our, heart.  If the, heart, is injured, broken or unhealthy because the, heart, plumps the pumps the blood. The, heart, pumps the influence of that thing to your spirit and to your soul and to your body.

So, when we talk about the, transformation, then it's holistic and God is always at work in our lives trying to move us to a place of wholeness in all three of these areas as it pertains to renewal and, transformation.

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Conclusion

As we wrap up how can listeners connect with Mt Hermon Ministries Fort Myers? Tell us about your books and how we can connect on social media.

You can connect with our ministry, we are currently streaming on YouTube and Facebook at MT Hermon Ministries. You can join us Sundays at 11 a.m. you can go to our website.

https://www.mthermonministries.org/ to get some information on our ministry.

 

I am the author of three books:

https://www.amazon.com/JUSTICE-Nations-William-L-Glover/dp/0982910592

  • The justice book which is about your community of faith finding relative relevance as a

change agent in your community

  • 30 Days of Excellence which is a 30-day devotion that cultivates habits of excellence in your life and
  • Ready for the Harvest which teaches us how to apply the principle of seed time and harvest in our lives and all these can be found on Amazon.

You can contact me personally at dr.wmglover0613@gmail.com

My Spiritual Father Helped in the Renewing of My Mind

I enjoyed the conversation, so thank you like we've known each other for 14 years let me also state how proud I am of you forging the way.  I remember when you began this journey and witnessing your evolution and growth.  Witnessing how God is enlarging your territory, makes me very proud.  I want to encourage you to continue that journey.

Myrna –  Thank you Pastor and I’ll share something publicly with you that when I wrote my book and you said that you're proud of me, it brought tears to my eyes because it was the first

Time someone told me that. My father had never said he was proud of me.

As my spiritual father thank you so much for saying that I appreciate it. God sent me to you specifically I didn't share our story of how I came to be under your guidance, but our connection has a purpose.

Thank you for tuning in to the Transform your Mind to Transform your Life radio podcast and television show.  If you are um listening on iTunes I would love for you to subscribe, rate and review.  I also want to invite you to join my Facebook group called Lifecoach.

 

Until next time sending you all Blessings

Additional Resources

How to Reprogram your Unconscious Mind

 

healthy relationships, Life Coaching, Life Coaching Blog, Personal Development, Personal Development Podcast, Podcast, relationship coaching

How to Find Success in Online Dating During COVID 19

Online dating, during COVID 19 is happening the same way as online purchases and e-commerce. During the last year we have been buying most of everything online. Dating and relationship coach, Anwar White says for his clients, dating apps, are the primary way that they are meeting future partners or just, dating, in general. That's going to be the case after, COVID 19, when things open back and we can date in person again.  I thing like e-commerce, 20% of people will remain on, dating apps.

I would like to welcome my newest audience which on the Preach the Word Worldwide Television Network.

Today we have an exciting topic for all you single ladies and single men out there.  We are going to be talking on the topic of How to Find Success Dating during COVID 19.

Listen to the full interview Here:

 

My guest today is dating and, relationship coach, Anwar White.  Anwar is going to share tips on, online dating, during these unprecedented times of, COVID 19, where everything is remote. Single women, can’t meet their date in person.

We want to include some information on, Christian dating.  The bible says in second Corinthians:

Do not be unequally yoked which means that Christians should look for partners in, marriage, where both of them share the same beliefs and practices such as praying, reading the bible and going to church.

Dating Tips on How to Get Your Guy

Myrna – Tell us your journey to becoming, dating coach, and podcast Host of the “How to Get Your Guy”. I guess the, dating, conversation is towards women.

Anwar – My name is Anwar White, and I have been helping the boys talk to the girls and the girls talked to the boys ever since elementary school.  I started doing this work as a, dating coach, when catching up with my female classmates and found out everything was going well in their life except for love.

It was so crazy to me because these women were the most amazing women. Well educated, beautiful and successful and yet they could not find a man.  So, I told them I'm taking over your love life! I slowly started working with a variety of my former classmates and we had lot of really great success. They were having boyfriends very quickly and they were getting married within two years.

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Helping Women of Color Date Effectively

I got certified as a, relationship coach, and started working with thousands of women and men all around the world.  I don't want your listeners to think I focus just on women.

I am very focused on how men are thinking about, dating, and, relationships, as well.  So  I've been doing my own thing as an entrepreneur and coaching women all around the world, specifically, women of color.  Smart, successful, women of color, on how to heal their heart, how to date effectively and then, How to Get Their Guy, on my podcast.

Myrna -It sounds like you were born with the aptitude for this work because when people start doing things earlier on in life, it is usually their purpose. We are experiencing huge growth on, dating apps, and the, online dating, world During, COVID 19, pandemic. Do you think the, dating, world will be forever changed after, COVID 19?

Is online Dating Here to Stay

Anwar – I think about, online dating, the same way I think about online purchases and e-commerce. During the last year we have been buying most of everything online. I know for the clients that I work with, dating apps, is the primary way that they are meeting future partners or just, dating, in general. That that's going to be the case after, COVID 19. When things open back and we can date in person again, I thing like e-commerce, 20% of people will remain on, dating apps.

It's crazy because it's similar in terms of, online dating.  Roughly 20% of, relationships, came from, online dating, right now that looks like a little bit more like 40 to 50%.

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast
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How can one find success dating during COVID 19

Anwar- It depends on what their definition of success means. For some marriage is not their end goal, they just want to connect with someone. My clients have different wants and desires.  The other thing that I wanted to about success in, online dating, is specifically during this time is that we have the time to self-reflect and to have more self-awareness.

You have to bring your whole entire self to this, love game, or you're not going to be successful. If you're you not addressing the things that you have been avoiding or ignoring or ashamed of and you're hiding those parts of yourself, then people are not really getting to know you or able to love you fully.  So, take this time to address and heal some of those things so that when they are meeting their person, they can be ready to be the best partner that they can be.

Myrna – Do you think that people can do self-reflection themselves or they're hiring a, dating coach, like you for instance.

Hiring a Dating Coach Helps you become your best self

Anwar –  Some are hiring a, dating coach, I think the coaching industry has exploded. People have had the time and space to sit back, exhale and be like oh I’m not happy about these things.  Instead of working and doing that rat race.

Coaches can help you with those blind spots to accelerate that work and potentially that healing to get you to your goal faster.

Myrna – 95% of us are not living conscious lives which means that they can't sit down and self-evaluate or see their blind spots.

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What are the top, dating, mindset shifts that are critical to successful, Online dating?

Anwar – I think there are a couple of things when I think about kind of mindset shifts when it comes to, dating. First is a lot of people try to date their clone, someone who's just like them.  If I am from the Caribbean and I am a Christian and I work in IT, that is who they want to partner with.

I have a really great success rate in terms of getting my clients partnering with someone who is not their clone. I think it's important for us to realize that we have to be more open-minded when it comes to, dating, and realize that it's not about what their resume or what their paper looks like; it's really about how they're making me feel.

I work with smart and successful women.  My clients are Harvard educated and most of them has a list of the things they want in a man. We have to shift our mindset around, you had an amazing time with this person.

On the men's side it's about really how she looks and how seductive she is and her

curvature and all of that, so we have to think beyond that and really focus in on the things that are going to fulfill us from a long-term perspective, because chemistry is short lived.

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Is Compatibility more important than Chemistry in Dating?

Another mindset shift that I want us to be thinking about is, compatibility vs chemistry.  How we how we vibe, how we connect, how we mesh.  I always think of, compatibility, is. Can we make a thousand decisions in one day together?  Because that's really what being a really in a, relationship, is all about.  You must be able to be on the same page on a lot of different subjects.

The mindset shift is about prioritizing, compatibility, over, chemistry. I think a lot of people are focused on the, chemistry, when they're, dating, and not the, compatibility.  The, chemistry, is those butterflies in my stomach.  Chemistry, chemically fades within 18 months from our body and then all you are left with is, compatibility.

When you look at, divorce rates, those first two years are so crucial, because often times what happens is that, chemistry, starts to fade during that time.

Dating Advice on Finding the Right Guy

If you're a woman out there and you want a guy that is making six figures that's great; but that's only nine percent of the population.

  • If you want a guy who is six feet tall, that's good; but that's roughly eight percent of the population
  • If you want a man with a graduate degree that's six percent of people out there
  • If you want someone who owns their own home that’s 20% of the population.
  • Multiply all of that together you actually have a one percent chance of finding your guy and that's not even taking into account if that person likes you back.

You must know how this, love game, works. Nine out of the ten people that you meet are not going to be the one. Knowing the numbers ahead of time saves your heart and saves any of the mental chatter, you know of the stories that you tell yourself.  The ones that don't serve you, I am not good enough, I will never meet the right guy.

Additional Resources

How Single Women over 40 Find Love