Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction, PT 2

Personal Growth Podcast

Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction, survivors abuse drugs because it helps them cope with or block out the traumatic memories.

Today on the Transform your mind podcast, we look at Karmen’s story, from the book “Call me an Addict, War on Women” by Dr Tra Ahia.  First, I want to establish a connection between, Childhood sexual trauma and addiction.

Adults abused as children are reportedly 1.5 times more likely to say they used illicit drugs as compared to individuals who were not abused as children. The age of onset for non-experimental drug use with, Childhood sexual trauma  and addiction, survivors is around 14.

Studies indicate that drug abuse is more common than alcohol use in adolescents who have been sexually traumatized and have found a link to, childhood sexual trauma and addiction,

Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction, survivors abuse drugs because it helps them:

  • cope with or block out the traumatic memories.
  • deal with feelings of isolation and loneliness.
  • improve feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.
  • cope with mental health problems such as anxietydepression, and PTSD.
Call me an Addict
Call me an Addict

Karmen’s story of, Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction.

Karmen’s story is a little different from Kelly’s story in that her, childhood sexual abuse and trauma, did not come from her parents. In fact she said her father loved her and took her everywhere with him. But her brother started beating her up because her father loved her more than him. The beatings progressed to, sexual abuse, and then her father’s girlfriend made her eat her “Peach pie.”

Her brother jumped her into a gang and she started breaking into people’s homes, beating them up, robbing them, and selling dope.

She was raped by the gang members at age 14 and started being sexually promiscuous soon after that. She ended up with  2 kids by age 16.

With no money to feed her kids she started taking money from a drug dealer.

He bought her a car, furnished her apartment, and spoiled her and her kids, until he started beating her on the regular and abusing her sexually. Then he started pimping her out. She started getting high every day to cope. She started out using crack and then progressed to heroin.

After spending time in prison for robbery and selling drugs, she became seriously depressed.

She got tired of getting high and tried to commit suicide 4 times. Her story ends with her 5th suicide attempt.

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What lessons can we learn from  Karnen’s story of, Sexual Trauma and Addiction?

We learn that Karmen’s story showcases sibling rivalry and parents who were not aware and allowed her brother to abuse her sexually and physically.

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You mentioned in our first episode that most addicts can’t just go into rehab and in 30 days get clean and never touch drugs again. In reality it is a daily struggle and most times they can’t even stay clean for their kids. In your 30 years as an addiction therapist what is the difference in the ones that made it?

I would say two things Desire to stay clean and and a faulty stop and go mechanism in the brain

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Arifah as a mental health counselor what do you think is the reason youth with, sexual trauma,  resulting medicate with drugs? Is it different from my list above?

Yes most youth use drugs to fit in and gain confidence.

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Dr Tra walk us through how crack cocaine changes the brain.

Crack is a psychological  drug.  Your body thinks you need it; but if you don’t take it, you don’t go into the sweats. You don’t die or even feel pain.

Whereas physiological drugs like opiates, if you don’t take these drugs your body goes into withdrawal and you get pain in your body, you get diarrhea, sweats etc.

When it gets into the body, crack acts upon a midbrain structure called the ventral tegmental area (VTA), where a chemical messenger in the brain called dopamine lives [source: National Institutes of Health]. Crack interferes with dopamine, which is involved in the body’s pleasure response. Dopamine is released by cells of the nervous system during pleasurable activities such as eating or having sex. Once released, dopamine travels across a gap between nerve cells, called a synapse, and binds to a receptor on a neighboring nerve cell (also called a neuron). This sends a signal to that nerve cell. (Dopamine doesn’t actually cause feelings of pleasure but it does influence how pleasure affects the brain, usually by reinforcing a pleasant feeling.) Under normal conditions, once the dopamine sends that signal, it is reabsorbed by the neuron that released it. This reabsorption happens with the help of a protein called the dopamine transporter [source: National Institutes of Health].

Trauma and Crack Addiction
Trauma and Crack Addiction

Crack interrupts this cycle. It attaches to the dopamine transporter, preventing the normal reabsorption process. As dopamine builds up in the synapse, it continues to stimulate the receptor, creating a lingering feeling of exhilaration or euphoria in the user.

Because crack is inhaled as a smoke, it reaches the brain much faster than inhaled powder cocaine. It can get to the brain and create a high within three to five minutes, compared to the 20 to 30 minutes it takes to feel the effects of snorted cocaine. On the downside, the crack cocaine high lasts about 30-60 minutes, while the cocaine high could last one to two hours [source: American Addiction Centers].

https://science.howstuffworks.com/crack.htm

 

I have a personal experience with crack. I was engaged to a guy who was addicted to crack.  I could never forget, on our second date he casually mentioned that he was a crack addict for 20 years and he was now clean.

I had never had experience with anyone addicted to drugs before, so I took his word at face value.

Needless to say, he was not over crack.  I started to do my research and found that crack makes permanent changes to the brain and an addict has to deal with cravings every day.  My boyfriend was no different.  I had a Limousine service and he drove for me.  One night someone was smoking crack in the back of the limousine and that triggered him.  He disappeared for 4 days with the money from the run.  I had to report the limousine stolen.  He did not come back until all the money was finished. He was a binge smoker, as soon as he got paid he would disappear.  He finally spent one year in the, Salvation Army rehab program.  We broke up.  I don’t know if he managed to stay clean.

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In the crack world a lot of women who are addicted to crack become crack whores and prostitute for drugs, Karmen was no different. It is really interesting that the men addicted to crack still abuse the women addicted to crack so this is really a war on women.

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Naked and Ashamed
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Don’t wait until sexual temptation attacks you before you see it as a formidable force which seeks to destroy you. Its insidious tactic is designed to enslave you into sexual sins and keep you locked into erotic desires. How you perceive sexual temptation in your life, determines how well you will overcome its deceitful force, and walk in total victory.

“Naked and Ashamed, the Battle of Sexual Temptation.” is a Christian self-help book that explains what sexual temptation is, and gives you Biblical scriptures on how to control your sexual desires, and unnatural urges.  With chapters such as recognizing the tempter, and rejecting the flesh, you will study strategies on how to recognize situations that tempts you, and learn how to keep your flesh under subjection. Although we will all be tempted sexually at some time, we can learn from this book on how to refrain from overreacting and falling into sexual bondage. So put on your seatbelt and get ready to be free from all of your unwanted sexual desires and temptations.  Order “Naked and Ashamed, The Battle of Sexual Temptation” today! Written by Sheela Fields, now available on Amazon.

Kindle eBook:
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Paperback:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578470136

Most children who suffer from, childhood sexual trauma and addiction,  simply fail to recognize, acknowledge, and effectively process this trauma until it manifests in self-destructive ways like self-harm, substance abuse, or the inability to control their emotions.

While both males and females can be affected by, childhood sexual trauma and addiction, the prevalence rate is higher for females. It is estimated that nearly 15 million adolescent girls worldwide have experienced forced sex. According to UNICEF, 

Data from the, Department of Health and Human Services, indicates that almost sixty-thousand children are sexually abused per year in the United States.  This abuse lends itself to, childhood sexual trauma and addiction,  The Department of Justice’s report indicates that 14 percent of all men and 36 percent of all women in prison were abused as children.

 

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This is how it works.
1) Parents create a list of tasks. It could be as simple as  “feed your pet”, “brush your teeth”, “water the plants”, “do the dishes”, etc.

Parents you can even rate each task in points.
2) Family members do the tasks on the list and get points!
3) Parents set your own exchange rate. Eg  1 point may be equal to 1$. Having collected a certain amount of points, the children may ask their parents for their “salary” for their work!

Why this AP useful for PARENTS: Because it will help to give Kids a sense of responsibility and prepare them for the things they need to do when they become older.

Why this AP is useful for CHILDREN: Children will be rewarded when they help out with chores around the house! They will have the opportunity to get a “salary” or pocket money in exchange for working on their tasks.

Parents, this AP will teach your children responsibility and reward them in the process.  To download this AP head over to Google Aps

 

Here are some Specific symptoms of, sexual abuse causing, sexual trauma and addiction:
(citation, the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress)

  • Withdrawal and mistrust of adults
  • Suicidal
  • Difficulty relating to others except in sexual or seductive ways
  • Unusual interest in or avoidance of all things sexual or physical
  • Sleep problems, nightmares, fears of going to bed
  • Frequent accidents or self-injurious behaviors
  • Refusal to go to school, or to the doctor, or home
  • Secretiveness or unusual aggressiveness
  • Sexual components to drawings and games
  • Neurotic reactions (obsessions, compulsiveness, phobias)
  • Habit disorders (biting, rocking)
  • Unusual sexual knowledge or behavior
  • Prostitution
  • Forcing sexual acts on other children
  • Extreme  fear of  being touched

 

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Additional Resources, Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction

Drug and Alcohol Treatment for Women with Trauma

Protecting your Child from, Sexual Abuse, in your Own Home

https://blog.myhelps.us/whats-your-story-breakthesilence/

https://drugabuse.com/crack/effects-use/#targetText=Crack%20Dependency,can%20become%20dependent%20on%20crack.

Side Effects of Crack Cocaine

The fleeting high from smoking crack can be outweighed by a host of negative effects. Though these can vary as widely as the positive effects listed above, commonly reported side effects include:

  • Irritability.
  • Anxiety.
  • Headache.
  • Depression.
  • Aggressive, paranoid behavior.
  • Abdominal pain.
  • Sudden death due to heart attack or stroke.

 

 

Drug and Alcohol Treatment for Women with Trauma

Personal Growth Podcast

Childhood Abuse has continually been linked to substance abuse for women. In this Episode we look at, Drug and Alcohol treatment for women with trauma, who were abused by men and parents during childhood.

I interview Dr Tra Ahia who is the author of “Call me an Addict, War on Women”

Call me an Addict
Call me an Addict

She has been recognized as a champion of woman’s issues. Particularly women who have struggled to maintain a positive balance in their lives despite addiction. As the Therapist for women in Rehab for over 30 years, Dr Ahia was responsible for the, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, who turned to substance abuse to as a means to cope with trauma.  Her work in, addiction and recovery, began some thirty years ago and has empowered thousands of women as they transitioned to a healthy place in their lives. Dr Ahia’s research has been a motivating force in moving many broken women away from the men in their lives that lead them down the path of destruction, confusion, and addiction to a place where they are whole mentally, physically and emotionally with, drug and alcohol treatments.

In the book “Call me an Addict” Dr Ahia tells the brutal stories of 3 women.  We will look at one of these women on the blog and podcast on the, Transform Your Mind radio and Podcast with Life Coach Myrna Young.

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This is a summary Kelly’s story in the Book “Call me an Addict”

Kelly’s first memory at 2 years old was her father punching her in the face for not eating her food.  Then she remembered at 5 years old taking her father’s fingers as she sat on his lap with his friends and sticking them in her vagina!

That was the start of her life that included sex with her father, an alcoholic and abusive mother, promiscuity with men at age 14.

At age 15 her parents gave her away to her boyfriend and moved to another city. She had her first child soon after and was homeless because the boyfriend also moved away to another city and left her to look after a child with no home and no income.

Another man gave her a place to live in return for sex. He ended up marrying her and they had 3 more kids.

Her abuse resulted in her abuse of alcohol and rehab. Her drug and alcohol treatment for women with trauma, was not successful. She continued to relapse.

Kelly started drinking heavily at 14 years old and used it for escape. It was drinking, sex, and prostitution.

Her story ended with her kids being placed in the custody of child protective services and she being placed in rehab for the 3rd time.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

What was so sobering to me hearing this story was how 3 generations were ruined from addictions. Kelly’s father and mother were both addicts. She hated them both. She became an addict and then her eldest daughter followed her lifestyle. One of the most profound statements in the story to me was when Kelly said she and her daughter would fight all the time about who was the bigger whore!

As a Life Coach and survivor of child sexual abuse, I can say that the reason my life didn’t spin out of control like Kelly’s was because even before I knew anything about mindset and the power of intention, I wanted respect. I did not want to be known as a Bad Girl or whore. A girl who is free with sex and all the boys talk about her.

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Sponsored AD

Kidtasks – the application of good deeds now available on Google Aps.
Kidtasks  is an organizer for your children’s daily routines, but it is good for the entire family.

This is how it works.
1) Parents create a list of tasks. It could be as simple as  “feed your pet”, “brush your teeth”, “water the plants”, “do the dishes”, etc.

Parents you can even rate each task in points.
2) Family members do the tasks on the list and get points!
3) Parents set your own exchange rate. Eg  1 point may be equal to 1$. Having collected a certain amount of points, the children may ask their parents for their “salary” for their work!

Why this AP useful for PARENTS: Because it will help to give Kids a sense of responsibility and prepare them for the things they need to do when they become older.

Why this AP is useful for CHILDREN: Children will be rewarded when they help out with chores around the house! They will have the opportunity to get a “salary” or pocket money in exchange for working on their tasks.

Parents, this AP will teach your children responsibility and reward them in the process.  To download this AP head over to Google Aps and search for Kidtasks that’s K-I-D-T-A-S-K-S.

Free Download: Out of the Snares, How to Heal your Brokenness
Out of the Snares

In my book “Out of the Snares, a story of Hope and Encouragement”, I share a similar story about my molester fingering me in his car as he drove me to school. I had the mindset to become a player in this game of life and not become a victim. You see victims have no power. Like Kelly she was powerless to stop her father from molesting her. In fact, another sobering part of her story was when she told her father “No” and he returned with the handle of a mop and stuck it up her ass. He told her with that move that she was nothing more than his bitch and he could do with her anything he wanted.

But we as women always have power!

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Drug and Alcohol Treatment for Women with Trauma

Women are placed in Rehab facilities either by the Police, their families or sometimes they walk in on their own accord

Rehab facilities are an intensive in house process

As the in house Therapist my job was to administer, drug and alcohol treatments to these women with trauma, by helping them to learn from their addictions.

These Therapy sessions were conducted one on one and their, drug and alcohol treatments, were first understanding how they got to that point in their lives.

They first had to accept that they were addicts

These, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, were 30 days to 6 months and sometimes even years

Most people including families do not understand that, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, were not miracle drugs, these women were trying to get over abuse from their childhood.  They can’t be cured in 6 months when they had these traumas for 10, 20 even 30 years.

After the intensive in house, addiction and recovery, treatments these women continue their, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, in an half way house for about one year.  In this house they are expected to remain clean, get jobs, practice self love and self care  and become contributing members to their community.

For more information on Dr Tra Ahia’s work and to pick up a copy of her book visit her on the web at www.forlifeservices-cc-com

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Book: Seat at the table

Have you ever wished that you had the information to elevate the conversation at work on how to build a culture of diversity, equity and inclusion?  Well, now you do; with my newly published book A Seat At The Table or Part of the Meal, by Kimberly Bussey Lewis.  This book will give you examples of intentional efforts that will level the playing field and yield dividends for your career and your company. The book can be found on Amazon – A Seat at the Table Or Part of the Meal, by Kimberly Bussey Lewis or on www.motivationalmuse.com, so get your copy today and your seat at the table.

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Here are some of the Symptoms from Childhood Sexual Trauma Resulting in Addiction.

PTSD is a mental health condition triggered by a traumatic event. Symptoms can emerge months or even years after the sexual trauma. Some common symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks, nightmares, intense distress when exposed to sights, sounds, or smells that trigger memories of the trauma, and bodily reactions when reminded of the trauma.

Dissociation

Dissociation, often associated with PTSD, is feeling disconnected or dissociated from one’s body. It can affect a person’s ability to focus, concentrate and function for periods of time. In an effort to detach from the sexual trauma, people learn to numb themselves from the pain. Dissociation is often referred to as avoidance coping, because survivors use it as a mechanism to escape and pull away from their past.

The Road to Recovery

The recovery from sexual trauma is a healing journey that takes time. Children who have been traumatized by sexual abuse often report feelings such as shame, terror, depression, and guilt. They often blame themselves for the abuse. Although drugs and alcohol can give survivors a moment of reprieve, there are dangerous risks and high costs to that emotional escape.

Sexual abuse not only leaves emotional and psychological scars, but it can lead to dangerous risk-taking behaviors, like using drugs. Substances are only a temporary fix and they can’t erase the past. Fortunately, dark moments don’t have to last, and drugs don’t have to cover unhealed wounds. Survivors can learn healthy coping skills and become a beacon of encouragement and hope to other youth who travel a similar path toward healing.​

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The magic will never fade away.  We can turn your world around. Please visit our exciting Adventure club.

 

Additional Resources for Drug and Alcohol Treatments for Women with Trauma

https://launchcenters.com/treatment/

 

https://www.turningpointtreatment.org/blog/the-role-childhood-abuse-plays-in-addiction/

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/the-link-between-child-abuse-and-substance-abuse

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/drug-addiction/related-topics/connection-child-abuse/#gref

 

https://blog.myhelps.us/10-ways-childhood-trauma-impact-adults-in-love/

Protecting your Child from, Sexual Abuse, in your Own Home

https://blog.myhelps.us/surviving-r-kelly-mindset-sexual-predator/

How to Stop Self Sabotaging Behavior

self sabotaging behaviors

Self sabotaging behaviors, move us in the opposite direction from our goals. When we understand the patterns that underlie, self sabotage, we begin to free ourselves.

 

We then begin to allow ourselves to interact with ourselves and the world with greater success, joy, and fulfillment. The process of breaking through denial, facing your fear, anger, and other difficult emotions, and making peace with your pain, leads to an ending of the internal war with yourself.

You can step fully into the greatest expression of yourself. Finding the wisdom inside the wounds you’ve endured is one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have with yourself about, self sabotage, because on the other side of it is the emotional freedom and depth of joy that you were born to have.

Introduction to, Self Sabotaging Behaviors

In this interview Sabrina Johnson, inspirational Speaker and Author,  talks on how she overcame different aspects of, self sabotaging behaviors, because of her lack of self confidence and negative self talk. Overcoming, Self Sabotage, and taking Inventory of your failures is one way to stop, self defeating behavior.

Whatever form it takes – whether, self sabotaging behaviors, or limiting thought patterns; self sabotage,  always diminishes the passion and energy we need to fulfill our dreams. At the heart of the matter, it is possible to create as much love, fulfillment, success and joy as we feel worthy of having. By identifying how your inner saboteur is, self sabotaging,  your life, you can make radical progress toward that which you want.

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Overcoming, Self Defeating,  behavior by changing your Mindset

Mindsets are beliefs – beliefs about yourself and your most basic qualities.

Think about your intelligence, your talents, your personality. Are these qualities simply fixed traits, carved in stone or can you cultivate and grow these traits?

Your intelligence is not a fixed quantity which cannot be increased. With practice, training, and above all method, we can increase our attention, our memory, our judgment and become more intelligent than we were before.

In a, Fixed Mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits thus the, self defeating, behavior

In a Growth Mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work.

The, Fixed Mindset, is a, Defeated Mindset

The, fixed mindset, creates an internal dialogue that is focused on judging. e.g

  • “I am a loser”
  • “I am the giver in this relationship and I get nothing in return”
  • “I am a no good husband”
  • “My partner is selfish only thinks about himself”

People with a, growth mindset,  are sensitive to positive and negative information; but they’re attuned to its implications for learning and growing. They ask themselves “What can I learn from this” How can I improve “How can I help my partner do better.

Self sabotage
Self sabotage

How to Overcome, Self Sabotage, at Work

I have always been someone who spent years trying to move my life forward I always say that I am a dreamer;  but the problem was I made decisions and choices in my life that counteracted that data.  I told myself I wanted to move forward; but everything that I did was, self sabotage, my behavior caused me to move backwards.

If I stopped and did an honest self-assessment and really seek God for direction on what am I needed to do. I would figure out  why  I was  seemingly repeating the same, self sabotaging, cycles in my life.  It was at that point that I began to really recognize certain, defeated mindsets, or negative truth about myself that I held  about myself subconsciously that was preventing me from moving forward and continuing these, self defeating behaviors.

For instance I’ll give you an example. I am very career-driven, so I desire to move up the career ladder.  I have a master’s degree in marketing;  but whenever I went to apply for a director level or VP level positions, I get intimidated and, self sabotage, by talking myself out of applying for that position. I would apply and start working at a lower position and then the next couple of months I’m miserable.

Inevitably my employer would see in me what I couldn’t see in myself and they would give me more responsibility. Then I would complain about being overworked and underpaid.  My, defeated mindset, would make me, self sabotage, and take a lower position than I was qualified for.  Then I would leave these jobs because it wasn’t what I wanted and then the cycle would begin all over again at another company.

I had to say OK God I need your help.  Give me the courage to jump in even though I felt fear.

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What is a, Defeated Mindset

Myrna: Let me not skip over this huge opportunity to ask you Sabrina. Since you’ve done whole bunch of self-assessments,  why did you have a, defeated mindset, and, self sabotage,  yourself all those years?  Why did you not have confidence in your abilities?

Sabrina: That is a great question Myrna,  and that was something I had to really pinpoint.  I was listening to a speaker and he said when you lack self-confidence, somewhere along the line in your life someone fed into your mind that you were not good enough. That you were not worthy enough.  I started looking back on past unhealthy relationships and past hurts and start to really connect the guys who rejected me.  Hurts from past relationships.

I had to rely on my faith and ask God for guidance. Outside of that I read a lot of self-help books and articles on how to overcome a, defeated mindset,  how to build your confidence and how to speak with confidence;  but a lot of it, the core of it really has to go back to the words that I was speaking to myself.  So when I started to get intimidated by the Job description, I would remind myself that I have done this job in the past.  You’re not going to take a different role in the company then do this job and not get paid for it. I started being my own cheerleader.

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Here are 4 steps to Overcome, Self Sabotage 

  1. Become aware of your emotions. Your emotions are the language of your body.
  2. Change your emotions by thinking of want you want. Eg. You have applied for a promotion 2 times now and you keep being passed over. A, defeated mindset, says I am never going to get this job I had better get used to this and begin to, self sabotage, Instead imagine yourself in this new position. Feel in your body how it would feel to sit at that desk with your name on the door.
  3. Your emotions will change and so will your body. It believes it is living in the future now.
  4. That’s the way to get over, self sabotaging behavior. Change your brain to change your life.
Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

 Additional Resources on Overcoming, Self Sabotage, 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201512/understanding-self-destructive-dysregulated-behaviors

https://lonerwolf.com/self-destructive-person/

A Guide to Changing Self-Destructive Behaviors

 

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-does-emotional-intelligence-affect-your-success/

How to Raise your Self-esteem by Erasing Self Doubt

https://blog.myhelps.us/5-mindset-transformations-permanent-relationships/

How to Deal with Grief from Death or Incarceration

Coping with, grief,  either from death, divorce, incarceration, job loss, or even loosing your home is devastating. Mental Health counselor, Arifah Yusaf  and, Life Coach, Myrna Young shares strategies for coping with loss.

I have been fortunate at 60 years old to not had to deal with the kind of, grief, that tears your soul out. The kind that of,  grief,  makes you want to die. The kind that  hurt so bad that you can’t get up out of bed for weeks.

I have heard stories, and I have had a front row seat to my daughters grief when she buried her fiancé.

Grief, from Losing a Child:

I was listening to an interview with Anderson Cooper a few months back and he was telling the story of his brother suicide. Then I heard his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt,  talk about it. Put yourself in this scene.

Your 22 year old son wakes up from a nap and comes into your room. Asks you some question you don’t comprehend and then runs out of your room onto the balcony of your 12th story Penthouse suite and jumps to his death while you watch, shocked out of your mind.

Gloria Vanderbilt, had this experience. In an interview she said in her, grief, she stayed in bed for 2 weeks and cried and cried until she ran out of tears. Since then she has not cried once. She says it is as if, she has no tears left.

When a loved one commits suicide the, grief, is even more acute because there is blame wondering what you may have missed, could have done to prevent it, are you the cause etc.

But after hearing that interview, I heard another interview on the, Mental Health Happy Hour podcast, that penetrated my consciousness about the horror or, grief,

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Grief and the Death of a Spouse:

The guest told the story about, the death of her spouse, seeing her husband drown in front of her and how her world changed from that day.

Here is her story. She said her husband Matt was a super athlete very strong. She gave us the mental picture of him hanging from a cliff with one hand and in the other hand pulling up his 17 year old son.

One day before they picked up her husband’s son from the Airport, they decided to take their dog for a walk in the woods by their home. Her husband decided to take a quick swim in the river, something he did several times per week. She decided to keep playing with the dog.

After some time, she said she heard her husband cough once and she didn’t think anything of it. She said to herself, he got water into his mouth again. When she heard him cough again, she decided to investigate. When she reached the river, she saw her husband clinging to a branch in river. She knew something was wrong.

The river looked the same as it always looked, very calm on top; but as soon as she stepped into the river to help her husband, she felt the strong undercurrent. The current took her and her dog up the river for about 2 miles before it spit them out on the shore. She said she was then lost in the woods for about 45 mins before she was able to get help.

They began a search and rescue for her husband, but  after 3 hours it became a search and recovery.

They found him entangled in weeds at the bottom of the river.

Her, grief, extended to having to tell Matt’s son that his father was dead. What it felt like to pick up Matt’s son from the airport the day before his 18th birthday.

Knowing that Matt’s son could never again celebrate his birthday again because it will always be the anniversary of his Dad’s death. She talked about having to call Matt’s parents and tell them their son was dead. She said his father hung up on her he didn’t want to believe it. Calling all his friends in his phone and telling them. Her, grief,  was unbearable.

She said she could no longer practice her profession as a therapist, because she couldn’t listen to other people’s problems anymore. But the point she wanted to convey by telling her story, was that while she was in mystery and her world changed forever, her neighbors world and everyone else’s world continued unchanged.

The sun came up the next day, her neighbor came out the next day and picked up his morning newspaper. She likened it to going to the movies, you pay to see a comedy but while everybody else is laughing your screen split and you are watching a horror movie.

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iHeart Radio

Grief from Suicide:

My firsthand experience with, grief, was seeing the pain it caused my daughter when her fiancé committed suicide. His mother called me and I thought she was joking when she said ” The boy killed himself” until she said why would I joke about something like that.

I had the unenviable role of telling my daughter her fiancé was dead. I can still hear her screens of anguish. I didn’t know what to do.

Her world changed. She quit school. She was doing her Masters degree at the time.

She went back later; but I had to call her professors and tell them the situation.

Then she had to deal with the funeral and the burial.

I didn’t know what to do, what to say or how to help her with her, grief.

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The therapist said that most people don’t know what to do or say.

Because our culture spins the tale that life must go on and that everything has a purpose.

She feels that is bullshit to sat that her husband died, so that she can use her pain to help other people. What she is doing now.

She said you can’t tell a mother who lost her baby that God had better plans for the child.

We will go through her suggestions for helping others deal with, grief, and what you can do to help later on in this blog

Grief and loss, Transform your mind podcast
Grief screaming

Here is how to deal with, grief from incarceration: Grief Counseling,

In the co-host chair is Arifah Yusuf Mortley, registered social worker, mental health counselor and founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.

How is, grief from incarceration, similar to losing a loved one in death?

In my experience I have supported both clients in, grief counseling, dealing with, grief, of a loved one who died and secondary loss, such as losing a loved one to incarceration. When speaking with my clients, dealing with the loss of a loved one, I always listen and provide the space and opportunity for them to be heard and share their feelings.

It’s important for them to know during, grief counseling, that grief, is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense your, grief, will be.

Emotional reactions of, grief,  can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, and despair.

During, grief counseling, clients may associate grieving with the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of, grief, but you can also experience intense, grief from incarceration,  or losing a loved one to incarceration.  For example, I had a client who was pregnant and her fiancé was sentenced to 6 years in prison.

Even though he did not die the, grief, was intense from her watching him get sentenced and taken away the same day, delivering their baby without him present, and raising their child on her own.  She would drive 3 hours to visit him and 3 hours back home once a month and speak to him as often, as she could afford.

Over time the, grief from incarceration, took a toll on her, as this was not the family life she had envisioned for herself.  Likewise, it was difficult for her fiancé in prison, as he felt he was missing out on the experience of raising their child, and the experience of being the father he promised himself and her, he would be.

He felt disappointment in himself and a disconnection to his family. He also, experienced, grief,  from loosing his freedom, and the ability to provide for his family.  He also grieved missing all the milestones of his child’s life (ie. Missing first words, walk, first day of school, birthdays) and intense worry about their health and safety. As well, wondering if his girl would leave him for someone else. The inevitable of not being able to fully control situations, was an intense loss for them both, and sometimes, she would say it felt as if he was gone and not coming back home.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

Steps to helping friends or family members deal with, Grief:

1: Never say get over it or it is for the best.

2: Allow them to grieve. If they want to talk about it listen. They need to feel heard. In fact they will talk about it until they feel heard.

  1. Help them by taking care of daily necessities like child care, cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash, picking up kids from school etc. A person in, grief, is not capable of doing any of these things.
  2. Sit with the thought that time does heal. The therapist went back to work helping others, my daughter went back to school and graduated on time with her Masters degree. She is getting married in December. Anderson Cooper decided to send himself to the war zone and report news. That is how he dealt with his, grief. That launched his career as a reporter.
Grief from incarceration, Transform your mind Podcast
Grief behind bars

How to Deal with, grief from incarceration, or death?

Listen and engage  in conversations about the loss, so they can begin to recognize the reality of the loss and confront their own emotions (e.g. loneliness, sadness, helplessness). These stressors include things like thoughts, feelings, actions, and memories that cause us to feel, grief, and focus on the loss.

I share the Tear Model when working with clients, which focuses in on the following.

 

The Tear Model to help with, Grief

  • Accept the reality of the loss
  • Experience the reality of the loss
  • Adjust to a new life without the person
  • Reinvest in the new reality

 

I often explain that restorationorientation refers to coping with issues related to secondary changes brought on by the loss (e.g., financial, family demands), and adapting to these issues.

A griever will go between confronting the loss and avoiding the loss.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Helpful ways to cope with, Grief, and Loss

  • Express yourself. Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions.
  • Allow yourself to feel sad. It’s a healthy part of the grieving process.
  • Keep your routine up.
  • Sleep.
  • Listen to music or express your emotions using the arts
  • Connect with your spiritually.
  • Eat healthy and exercise.
  • Avoid drugs and alcohol.
  • Honor your special person and treasure fond memories (drawing, photos, music, and memory box).
  • Connect to nature – go for a walk, breathe in the fresh, focus on what you see outside (i.e. Trees, birds).
  • Make a special memento to perverse a loved one’s memory. Write a letter to the person.
  • Lean on support from friends, family, professional support.
  • Learn about grief resources, support groups, grief professionals.
Transform your mind iTunes Podcast iTunes
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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR COPING WITH, GRIEF

How to Heal Your Brokenness

Life After Death, How an Atheist Became a Believer

How to Find Love, the Second Time Around

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3131745/

 

https://www.themarshallproject.org/2017/11/10/the-singular-sorrow-of-grieving-behind-bars

 

How to Transform your Career with Purpose

Ways to find your Purpose

For some people their, career, is closely interwoven with their, life purpose. Keshia Morris, is that person, Political Activist and Project Manager with Common Cause.

In this interview on the Transform your Mind radio hour and podcast, Life Coach and Mom Myrna Morris Young, trace the story of, Keshia Morris, as an undocumented alien, to her starting her career as a Psychologist, to getting a tug from God to transform her, career with purpose, to help with our democracy.

Listen to full interview here:

 

Introduction to a Career with Purpose

Keshia Morris is  the project manager for the, Census 2020, with Common Cause and is getting a lot of media attention because of the Trump’s administration efforts to add the question “Are you a Citizen” to the, Census 2020.

Keshia Morris, talks about the importance of the Census, the reason the Trump administration was trying to add this question and, Common Cause, fight for a fair democracy.

The media attention started when, Keshia Morris,   wrote an amazing article that was published in the Miami Herald that highlighted her, career, with purpose.  In this article she talked about our personal journey to becoming permanent residents in the United States and why the question on the Census asking “Are you a Citizen?” would have a negative affect on our democracy.

After that article was published, several podcasts and radio personalities wanted to interview her.

Before we could get to what God has done in Keshia’s life as far as her chosen, career, with purpose.  She chose me to be her mother. I knew from the moment she was conceived that she was born to do great things. She was conceived on my honeymoon and was born 9 months later on my 30th birthday. So even without being conscious I knew that she was born with a, life purpose.

Again without being yet conscious; but understanding the principle of generational increase,  I started my journey to becoming an American Citizen.  I believed that there were more opportunities for my children here in the USA.

Both my children are Canadian,  and maybe my  assumption was incorrect, but our perceptions become our reality.

Keshia Morris,  went through high school as an, undocumented alien. The beauty of this country is that children didn’t require papers to go to public school until higher education. Without a vision, I could have sent her back to Canada to go to college; but that was not even a consideration. I paid out of state fees for  her first 2 years of college. I could only afford one class; but she was in College.

I got married again in 2006 and my husband sponsored both of us, and we became  permanent residents or documented immigrants.

Keshia received her BA  and started out on her intended career as a  Psychologist.

How Keshia’s Became On Purpose, career coaching

One day while listening to the audio book “A long walk to Freedom,” by Nelson Mandela, she had what is called a Damascus experience. Everything that was before was no more. So this is where I want to pick up the story.

Setting Goals and purpose for your career?

I want to start off by saying that you tell my story so much better than I do. Just laying out for our listeners how I got to the moment where I decided I wanted to do something new with my career.  I had always thought that I that I was going to be a psychologist.  As a child people kept telling me that oh you know you’re great at giving people advice, so I thought  I might as well make a career out of this and try to achieve the American dream.

Psychologists make a lot of money.  I started getting into listening to audio books in my car and as I listening to Nelson Mandela’s  “A long walk to freedom”  I would say in the very first few chapters of the book,  I feel like it changed me and changed my trajectory of my life almost immediately.  It was also the time of the sequester where the government was shut down.  I interpreted this as wealthy special interests groups were getting in the way of  government and our lawmakers not being able to do their jobs.   I didn’t feel like this was right,  so I felt an extreme tug to try to do something about it.

I had already invested over 4 years as a Psychology major and started with my masters degree credits which were not inexpensive.  I had already amassed about $30,000 in student loans before  listening to Nelson Mandela’s book.  I felt an immense tug from God that becoming a political activist was my, career purpose, I wanted to help change the democracy the United States of America.

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How to look for signs that your, career, is on  Purpose

Question #2: How did you know that this was God. What were the signs?

I knew it was God because it changed the trajectory of my life in seconds.  I was now a new woman and had a firm grasp on what my, career, should be.

Things lined up for you. I was a new Life Coach at the time and you requested a coaching session. I remember it,  like it was yesterday. Because what I said out loud was not what I was thinking. I told you to go for it. To make a plan and pursue this goal.

  • You applied to schools and got into your number 1 choice, American University,
  • Before graduation you got an internship at your number 1 choice for employment, Common Cause,
  • You received a job offer with, Common Cause, immediately after graduation. So we know that you were on, career purpose, because God opened doors.

Why family support and career coaching is so important to your career

Question # 3: What advice would you give our listeners who face obstacles. No family support, not accepted to schools, kids at home etc.

I would tell them to believe in the vision that you can have it all.  Believe in yourself, believe in God and believe in their, career purpose,

Keshia Morris, you are getting National attention now as the Project Manager for  the 2020 Census at Common Cause. The Trump administration has been very unfriendly towards immigrants and, undocumented aliens, and intended to use the question “Are you a Citizen?” on the, Census 2020, to instill fear to the non-Citizens,  so as to set up, Gerrymandering.  Common Cause fought for this question to be removed from the Census and won.

Question # 4 Please explain the importance of having this question removed from the, Census 2020, and what exactly the Census does for our democracy.

Gerrymandering is  manipulating districts to give one party advantage over the other.  We have definitely seen a lot of gerrymandering being done by Republicans;  but we do absolutely know that Democrats do it as well.

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iHeart Radio

What is the Census 2020?

The Constitution mandates that a Census or accounts of all people that live within these United States be counted for apportionment purposes every ten years.  So every ten years the Census Bureau takes counts of everyone that lives here.  That is including illegal aliens, that is including children and newborns.  Everyone should get counted.

What this count does for our democracy is it apportioned the amount of seats in Congress.

There are 435 seats and the House of Representatives and those 435 seats are distributed based on population size.  Right now about each congressional district has about 700,000 people.

In a State like Florida, for example that has a population of maybe six to nine million people, but say only eight million people were counted in the, 2020 census, that means that Florida would get less congressional representation than it actually truly deserves because one million people were not counted.

The Trump administration wanted to add this last minute question “Are you a Citizen”  to the, Census 2020, I say last minute because usually each question is tested and vetted thoroughly for about three years before a question can be added to the census. It has to go through Congress and an approval processes.  The Trump administration came in and decided they were not gonna do any of that, and just announced that they were going to add this question to the,  Census 2020,

Census Bureau researchers have found that if this question were to be added to the,  Census 2020, about 6.5 million people would not answer the census form and thus insure a fair census.  So advocates like, Common Cause, but really across the board, millions of people stood up and said that this is wrong.  Common Cause, took the case all the way to the Supreme Court and the Supreme Court sided with us.  They said that the Trump administration cannot add this question to the, Census 2020, they called the reason the Trump administration gave to add this question, contrived.

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TuneIn Radio

Myrna: I heard you say in one of your interviews that the data that comes from the, Census 2020, is confidential and  it’s illegal for anybody to use this information for harm to the people. I know you said that if this question was on the, Census 2020, 6.5 million people would not have answered because they might be afraid that someone will come to their door.  But what you said is that information is never presented in such a way that somebody can know who filled out the form, and if they were going to actually use information from the data, they will use the information as a collective.

I am curious as to why research shows that 6.5 million people WOULD NOT  have responded to the, Census 2020, if the question “Are you a Citizen” was on the form?

Keshia Morris: My answer to that question is twofold.

The law states that your responses on the census cannot be used to cause harm to any person.   That means that it can’t be sent to ICE to enforce immigration law.  It can’t even be sent to your landlord if you have too many people living in in your household.  However, what the Trump administration wanted to do, was to create fear.  That information isn’t always communicated correctly and even if it was, people don’t trust that the Trump administration would follow the law.

So it’s better just not to have the question on the, Census 2020, whatsoever.

The Trump administration has given up on their efforts to add the question “Are you a Citizen” on Census 2020, but they are now trying another way to get this information. President Trump has now issued an executive order to get administrative data to be collected for the purpose of redistricting.  Common Cause, is fighting for this not to be the case, and it  absolutely will be challenged through litigation.

Facts about the, Census 2020,

Section 2 of the Constitution requires a count every 10 years of every person residing in the United States—citizens and non-citizens, newborns and seniors, documented and undocumented, homeowners, renters, and the homeless. The, 2020 Census, will be in full swing during the Winter, Spring and Summer of 2020.

Counting hundreds of millions of people is an immense undertaking, and it’s critical for state legislators to start preparing now. Census data determine the allocation of more than $800 billion in annual federal funding and are often used in state and local policy-making, decision- making, and research. An inaccurate census in 2020 would jeopardize state funds for over 300 federal programs and compromise crucial supports for marginalized communities. 

Census data are also used for the reapportionment and redistricting processes and therefore vital to advancing a fair and representative democracy. Ensuring that all residents in your state are counted will require funding, coordination, and commitment from policymakers but will provide your constituents the resources and representation they deserve.

Research shows that if the question “Are you a Citizen” was on the, Census 2020, 6.5 million people would not fill in the Census thereby states would be unrepresented by millions in congress.

Myrna: From listening to all your numerous interviews I will list them. I have learned that the Census data is confidential and it is illegal for anyone to use that data to target aliens.

Unrig the System Podcast with Alex Wardlaw

Podcast Episode for Bipartisan Solutions for Ending the Prison-Industrial Complex Once and For All

Carry On Friends The Caribbean American Podcast

The Real New Network

Myrna: I have had a front row seat to your growth from a Psychology major into a political activist. I have watched you take the mike and rally a crowd. I have listened you spout very technical data about the history of our democracy with names and dates of legal documents.  As your mother, I am impressed by your transformation.

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-become-lifted-by-your-purpose/

How to Master career strengths

Question # 6: Take us through how you released your fear of public speaking. What did you do to get yourself from this abstract fear of speaking and communicating to what you do now?

I am still working on being an effective communicator and working past my fear.  My fear has lessened a bit,  there was a time where I mean I couldn’t get in front of people and I couldn’t say two words without my voice shaking, without saying um a hundred times, without looking completely lost. So yeah  I definitely think that I have I’ve experienced some growth and really all I can say, well the main thing I can say that got me around the corner is practice.

There’s that Malcolm Gladwell books that says you need like 10,000 hours of practicing something to be an Expert.  You just named a bunch of the interviews that I’ve done; but you know each of those interviews requests, I started off by saying NO.  because the fear is still there.  But I able to overcome the fear by resting in the fact that this is for a, life purpose, and  I am working towards the goal of having this democracy be the best that it can be.

Soundcloud Transform your mind podcast
Transform your Mind Soundcloud podcast

How to Transform your, Career, with  purpose

As we wrap up our show today, I want to leave you with these thoughts.

There is a difference between living an active life and a, purpose driven life. We all lead active lives. To be active does not mean we even have to physically do anything. We could be mentally active and be making plans and, setting goals,  etc. but not going anywhere. But when we are living a, purpose driven life, our energy and activities has a, life purpose, and meaning. Pause to reflect the purpose of your chosen, career. What is the meaning of your, career, purpose.  What is the quality of the energy you are expending. When you have a, career,  of purpose, the more energy you expend, the more renewed you are. On the other hand, when you are not on, life purpose, the energy you expend is not renewed, instead you end your day depleted and diminished.

A, purpose driven life, and, purpose driven career, alters the course of history.  I hope you all find yours.

Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

Keshia Morris, one final question What do you want your contribution to be to God’s Kingdom?

To make this country’s democracy the best it can be, that is my, career purpose,

How can any of our listeners get in contact with common cause to support the organization, volunteer for the census or reach you for speaking engagements or interviews?

Listeners and readers can reach me at

Keshia Morris
Census & Mass Incarceration Project Manager
Common Cause
805 Fifteenth St, NW, Suite 800
Washington, DC 20005
(o) 202.736.5774 |

 Additional Resources for, Career Purpose, and Census 2020

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-become-lifted-by-your-purpose/

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-become-a-diamond-by-finding-your-purpose/

https://blog.myhelps.us/program-positive-change/

Today’s Ruling on the Census Citizenship Question Still Leaves Room for Worry

 

Ep. 116 – The Census: All the Facts & Why It is Important

 

 

 

 

How to Ask for a Raise or Anything you Want in Life.

How to, ask for a raise, a promotion, God for something, a Guy out. How to Ask for Affection or anything else you want in life.

A few weeks ago I started reading this book “The game of life and how to play” By Florence Scovel Shinn.  The title of the book caught my attention, because I have a chapter in my book Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement  called How to become a Player in the Game of life and I have a podcast episode entitled “How to win the game of life.”

So you see this topic is close to my heart.

So I started reading. The content wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before, just said in a different way. For example I am a Christian and a follower of the teaching of Jesus Christ. I have read books, listened to visionaries, my pastor and numerous other men of God quote this scripture Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you shall find.  I know this, I believe this; but I had never heard said like this. “You have to make the first move”

Talk about dumbing it down!

My immediate reference was, making the first move if you want a man instead of waiting on him. How many times you just waited and waited for a man to call you or ask you out and he never made the first move and that was the end of your dream of this guy.  If you had picked up the phone and asked him out, you would have received what you wanted. Or at least you would know for sure he was not interested.

So I decided to, Ask for a raise, from God.

How to ask for a raise
How to ask for a raise

This is how I, asked God for a raise,  “God you are my supply. Let everything that is mine by divine right be manifested now. I ask you for a lead, I am knocking at the door, let who I seek be seeking me. Amen”

I made the first move I, asked for a raise,

And God answered immediately!

The very next day I woke up at 5 am and decided to scan my Facebook feed. I don’t normally do this but I followed inspiration and did this day. I am a Realtor and a Life Coach. The day before I had marketed on my Facebook page a 12 unit multifamily commercial property. As you know Facebook algorithm records everything you post and like. So at the top of my feed was this video of a sponsored Ad about a guy talking about how he has made $200,000,000 in four years by buying multifamily properties all over the country. I decided to comment on the post that I had a great price on this 12 unit multifamily unit in Fort Myers and asked if he invests in Florida? Not only did he respond that he is only interested in multifamily properties with over 100 units; but 5 other people responded to me for info on this deal! I only asked God for one lead! He sent me 6.

Then I got an inquiry from my original marketing post. This prospect had the most serious interest and ending up making an offer of $910,000!

Bang that is how it is done!

God is good when? All the time!!! you just need to know how to engage with God and the universal laws he has put in place.

One is these laws is, Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, know and the door will be opened to you.  In other words, you need to make the first move!

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How to, Ask for a Raise, or anything else you want in life eg:

  • How to Ask God for something,
  • How to ask your boss for a raise or a promotion,
  • How to ask a guy out
  • How to Ask for Affection
  1. How to, ask for a raise,or more money

A situation of lack can be changed to prosperity by changing your mindset.

If you concentrate on what you don’t have you will attract more of what you don’t have – Lack

Instead be grateful for what you have and bless it.

You can bless your pennies and have it multiplied.

The most powerful miracle in the Bible is Jesus blessing 5 loafs of bread and 5 fish and turning them into enough food to feed thousands of people with left overs.

That is a principle Jesus was demonstrating; Give thanks for what you have,  bless it and it will yield more.

Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

Here is How to, Ask for a raise, or more money

Pray this prayer

Father I thank you for food on the table a roof over my head and health in my body.

I bless the pennies in my bank account and ask that you multiply them.

I, ask for a raise, in my job because  I give wonderful service and I deserve  wonderful pay.

Bless, and then follow your intuition. God will send you instructions on your next move.

I shared earlier how I acted on intuition and raised my pay with a Hugh real estate deal.

Never dismiss a hunch, it leads you to your divine right.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio
  1. How to, Ask or a Promotion

Adding to the last ask, Ask for a promotion, follows the law of increase because a promotion usually comes with a raise.

So the only thing I would add is faith that the promotion is yours by divine right.

Pray this prayer

Infinite spirit open the way for abundance I am a magnet for all that belongs to me by divine right. Amen

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher
  1. How, to Ask a Guy out

People like people who are most like them.

Whatever man images sooner or later externalizes in his affairs. If you like a guy before you, Ask a guy out, do the internal work so when you, Ask a guy out, he will likely say yes.

Imagine the two of you on a date, talking and laughing, and connecting.

Say “Infinite spirit open the way for the divine design of my life to manifest. The perfect plan includes love and perfect self expression.”

Then, Ask the guy out, to go to some where he likes, a ball game, dinner, a movie, networking event etc.

How, to Ask for affection, from your spouse

Love opens to man the 4th dimensional world. The world of the wondrous, the world of bliss.

  • Real love is unselfish and free from fear.
  • It pours itself out on the object of its affection without demanding any return.
  • It’s joy is in the joy of giving and serving.

If the object of your affection does not return affection, it may be that he grew up in a home where he did not see his father show love to his mother or there was not a man in the home.

So you have to, Ask for affection,  if you need it.

Just say “Can I get a hug?  The world is so much brighter when I am in your arms.”

In my second marriage my husband and I made a habit of fighting and me sleeping in the spare bedroom.

One of these fights lasted over a month and I was intensely aware of how much I needed a hug or just human touch.

If you are in such a relationship where there is little touch and you need it, ask for affection,

Say “Baby can you hold me for few mins.  I am feeling the need for your touch”

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast

Podbean

Love is God in manifestation and the strongest magnetic force in the universe; so don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and, ask for affection,

It draws itself to its own. Protect your love by giving and receiving affection.

Remember Jealously is the worst enemy of love.

Give a perfect love and you will receive a perfect love.

 

How to, Ask for Help, or a Hand Up

I know most people have a hard time, ask for help,  yet some people always have a hand out.

Practice asking for small things first to get comfortable, asking for help,

For example, practice asking your teacher to help with something you don’t understand.

This question came from Erika by email.  Remember you can post your questions on this blog , on my facebook group called Life Coach, or you can email either me or Arifah. My email is info@myhelps.us and Arifah is Arifah@liftedbypurpsose.com. 

Erika asks “How do I show a guy that I like him?”

  • Pay attention to your appearance – show a little skin. I was watching this movie just a few days ago and I learned a few things from a playboy bunny. She said to show skin in 5 areas if you want to catch a man’s attention. Show cleavage, bear arms, legs, belly or mid-section and your derriere.
  • Show him how you feel with your body language.– I am a romantic movie buff. I love how the director shows that there is interest in his main characters.  Always eye contact and a smile. It heats up the screen! Miss Playboy Bunny added lightly touch him. Touch his arms, feel his muscles, brush up against him.
  • Compliment him.– This one comes so naturally to me.  I learned a long time ago to always bless everyone I meet with a compliment. Man or woman.

 

  • As we wrap up, I want to thank you for being with us until the end of this broadcast. Please show your support by posting a review on iTunes and subscribing to the podcast. If you have topics you would like Arifah and myself to cover,

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services to organizations seeking training, workshops or programs with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors. Including:

  • Anger Management
  • Healthy Relationships
  • Mental Health Education and Coping Skills
  • Youth Engagement and
  • Mental Health First Aid Training

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  • Todays episode is sponsored by  Columbus Financial Coach.  Are you in a deep hole of “Financial Depression” with nowhere to turn for help? Constantly being harassed by collection agencies? Then visit Columbus Financial and success coach. www.columbusfinancialcoach.com

 Additional Resources:

Ask Coach Myrna: How to Start Over?

Are you waiting on Love? How Single Women over 40 Find Love

single women over 40

How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love.  Where do they find, single men?

Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love’s house, so that it is ready for Love.

Listen to the full interview here: 

Finding Love Introduction

I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love’s House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.

Dating advice, for, finding love again

  1. Work on being the best you.

Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements

Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence

  1. Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
  • Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
  • Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
  • Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
  • Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
  • The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table.  Why would someone choose you?
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Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?

The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.

Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.

  1. Church
  2. Bars
  3. Gym
  4. Sports events
  5. Networking events
  6. House parties
  7. Work

Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!

Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40,  to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love,  at a bar.

My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!

I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!

I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.

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Finding love again, on Dating Sites

The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.

As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes.  I don’t have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don’t have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.

Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events.  They are home on their computers.

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My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.

Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?

  • It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest.  It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men,  they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with.  Some key tips, I would give are:
  • Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
  • Some,  dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract  like minded, single men,   that will give off similar positive energy.
  • Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
  • When, dating, be open to new experiences.
  • Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.

These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell  my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.

Where did you meet your husband?

  • I met my husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter.  He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer.  He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.

How do, Single Women, prepare, Love’s House?

Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”

The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love’s House.

One of the first things I remembered she said was to,

  • Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
  • Park on your side in the driveway or garage,
  • Sleep on your side of the bed. Etc.
  • Let the Laws of Attraction work on, finding love again.

You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life,  as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.

She calls this house, Love’s House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.

In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don’t fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.

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Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?

  • Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
  • Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
  • Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
  • Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
  • Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.

On the first floor of , Love’s House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.

On the second floor of, Love’s House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.

The most important, dating advice  for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.

The third floor of, Love’s House,  is when, single women,  are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient,  courageous and beautiful inside and out.

The top floor is the Attic

In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40,  are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.

You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!

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Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases  of finding themselves in, love’s house.

  • Make sense of your past

In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story 

  • Differentiate

Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.

  • Seek meaning

In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.

  • Recognize your personal power when, finding love again

When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives.   We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves

  • Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts

This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.

  • Know the value of friendship with, single men

We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise

Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak

In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook.  They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.

Here is a question from Mari.  Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice,  on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?

As a, life coach, I think that, single women,  starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.

  • It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
  • You should have common interests,
  • be equally yoked,
  • have the same standard of living,
  • same religion,
  • similar sex drive.
  • The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on  your list but you are shooting for 80%.

Arifah What’s your, Dating Advice, for Mari

Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.

You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man.  Once that’s done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.

I also got a question on my website. www.myhelps.com/contactus

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.

How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.

All I know is that I’ve a great fear. I’ve some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man,  I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.

Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.

Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear.  It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.

It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety.   Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically.  Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.

In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror.  If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.

Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves.  As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.

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Additional Resources

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

https://blog.myhelps.us/surviving-r-kelly-mindset-sexual-predator/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://news.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/03/28/17/erich-gonzales-im-enjoying-my-single-life

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/the-reality-of-life-as-a-single-mom/

https://www.scarymommy.com/dating-a-single-mom/

 

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

no fear just courage

No fear, How do we say goodbye to Fear and live with courage?

What is fear? The first thing we must realize is that FEAR is False evidence appearing real.

Fear is an energy. Created totally in our minds. The energy of fear is powerful.  It can change the quality of lives.

A few years back, I had a guest in my home. When it was time for her to leave, it was dark and she refused to walk out the front door because she was afraid of Frogs jumping on her foot. Now, I have never seen a Frog in my front yard and neither had she; but she must have had an experience of a Frog jumping on her foot and it had traumatized her. So now every time she walks in a yard at dark, she was afraid of Frogs. How can we live with, no fear?

No fear, it is not real
Fear is not real

Now this is an example of a trivial fear but ask yourself. Is fear affecting the quality of your life? What would life be like if you had, no fear?

The problem with fear is that it is the bottom feeder of all emotions, that means that if you have fear in your heart you can’t have:

  • Love,
  • Happiness,
  • Feelings of belonging,
  • Self-reliance,
  • Self-control,
  • Initiative,
  • Ambition,
  • Enthusiasm,
  • or Certainty.
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  • The most common appearances of fear in the, African American Community, are:
  • Fear of poverty
  • Fear of criticism
  • Fear of ill health
  • Fear of loss of love
  • Fear of old age
  • Fear of death

Today Arifah and I are going to look at how Fear shows up in African American families and how it prevents us from living a life of purpose and abundance.

Here are the symptoms of the, Fear of poverty:

  • Willingness to tolerate poverty
  • Acceptance of whatever compensation that life offers without protest.
  • Mental and physical laziness
  • Lack of initiative
  • Lack of imagination
  • Indecision
  • The habit of permitting others to think for you
  • Sitting on the fence of indecision
  • Excuses for not taking initiative
  • Excuses for failures
  • Envy of those who are successful
  • Finding fault with others who are successful

My co-host is Arifah Yusuf, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.

Here are Arifah’s experience in working with youth and dealing with, No Fear, Living with Courage

In my experience working with young people, majority of children and youth live with anxiety.   The anxiety impacts their relationships to function in socially and or academically.  As well, how they view themselves and their ability to complete tasks or take risks.  Common signs of an anxiety disorder in youth I noticed are:

  • Constantly worrying about grades
  • Always trying to be perfect / Being afraid to make mistakes
  • Not sleeping well
  • Difficulty managing daily tasks and/or distress related to these tasks.
  • Anxious predictions – Worrying about something horrible happening (ie. Being embarrassed or humiliated)
  • Anxious thoughts “ I’m out of control, I can’t do this”
  • Avoiding friends or social situations and activities
  • Being afraid of speaking up and asking questions in class
  • Blanking out or freezing up in stressful situation
  • Safety behaviors (habits to minimize anxiety and feel “safer,” e.g., always travelling with a friend or have cell phone in their hand)
  • Excessive physical reactions relative to the context (e.g., heart racing and feeling short of breath in response to certain spaces or when they see certain individuals)

Anxiety is the most common disorder in Canada.  2.6% of Canadians aged 15 and older reported symptoms consistent with generalized anxiety disorder, an anxiety disorder characterized by a pattern of frequent, persistent worry and excessive anxiety about several events or activities.

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada, “the 12 month prevalence for any anxiety disorder is over 12% and one in four Canadians (25%) will have at least one anxiety disorder in their lifetime”.

No fear living with courage
No fear living with courage

Seven Major types of Anxiety Disorders:

  • Agoraphobia,
  • generalized anxiety,
  • specific phobia,
  • panic disorder,
  • social anxiety
  • separation anxiety
  • selective Mutism.

(ie. Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure, and relaxed)

Other Anxiety Disorders:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders (obsessive-compulsive disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, hoarding disorder, trichotillomania, and excoriation disorder).

Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders(reactive attachment disorder, dis-inhibited social engagement disorder, PTSD, acute stress disorder, and adjustment disorder).

 

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No Fear, means Living with Courage: How do we define courage?

Aristotle believed courage to be the most important quality in a man or woman. “Courage is the first of human virtues because it makes all others possible,”

How do you build your courage character?

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  1. Practice courageous acts.

To build a courageous character, with, no fear, the muscle of courage must be continually strengthened. Aristotle, the ancient philosopher who focused most on courage, said that we develop courage by performing courageous acts. Recent psychological research also suggests that courage is an ethical habit that we develop by repeatedly practicing acts of bravery.

Let me share a personal story with you, that helped me develop courage and have, no fear.

Years ago I was living in the United States as a temporary resident as a Canadian Citizen.  I was married and my husband sponsored me and applied for me to become a permanent resident. Before my application was finalized, My brother was getting married in Toronto, Canada and I just upped and left the country for the weekend to attend my brothers wedding.

When I tried to return to the USA, a few days later, border patrol  asked me for my Advance Parole documents.  I told them I never applied for Advanced Parole.  This is a document that gives you permission to leave the country while you have a pending application.   The border patrol told me that I had voluntarily abandoned my application by leaving the country and that my husband had to apply again.  He also told me I would have to stay in Canada for approximately 2 years while my new application was processed. To date that was one of my darkest days!

Then because he knew that as a Canadian Citizen, I could come back into the country at any time as a visitor, he added that if I tried to sneak back into the country as a visitor and I got caught, I would get a 10 year ban from entering the United states.

I returned back to Canada, and for a week I weighed all my options. I had a husband in the USA, my daughter was in school in the USA, I had a good job in the USA.  I decided I had to take the risk of returning to the USA as a Canadian visitor.

So I strapped on some courage, and made myself have, no fear, rented a car and drove myself over the border alone because I did not want to implicate any of my family members.

I drove up to the border patrol with, no fear, and as calmly and as courageous as a dove, I told him that I was going to Buffalo to pick up my husband from the airport.  He asked me if I had anything to declare, I said no and he  and waved me through!

I would tell you that after that incident, I look fear in the face every time and do it anyway. That is how I started to build my courage muscle having, no fear.

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Arifah, do you have a story to share of a time you had to look fear in the eye but do it anyway?

This is a good time to introduce a question I received on my Life coach group on Facebook. I would like for my listeners to join that group.  It is a forum to ask questions regarding your current struggles and get answers from me and the group.

This is a question from Mari: How do I have, no fear, to stop bullying

I really need some advice, I have a lot on my plate right now. I lost the love of my life. In December and since I moved in with my dad and brother I have been picking up after them. Folding their clothes. And they make me out to be their maid. I have paid money to have the house clean and it gets messy by the second day. Now since I’ve moved here my brother has been bullying me. He calls me little girl. Saying I’ll never make it on my own. Saying he feels sorry for me. Calls me a retard. Saying I act like a 12 year old. Says I don’t clean up after myself when I have been picking up after them both. Saying I’m a bitch. Calls me dumb ass. The list goes on but I’m trying to get an apartment and I don’t wish nothing bad on him but If he will ever be homeless I’m not going to put up with this. I thought of suicide but hell no!!! I’m just tired of him bullying me.

Arifah, what advice would you give Mari?

As a Life Coach, here are my steps for having, no fear, and building courage.

Exercise and meditation both have the power to lower stress levels and reduce feelings of depression and anxiety, which could help you to act more courageously in the face of challenges.

This is a meditation practice  I use every day to  build my courage character. It is from the Tibethan Monk Dandipanni

  • Sit quietly and start witnessing your breathe
  • Be aware of the air as it enters your nostrils and follow it all the way down to your belly.
  • Hold your breathe for a few seconds and then breathe out, once again follow your breathe as it exits your nostrils.
  • Do this for 3 breaths
  • Now become aware of your feet on the ground. Focus your attention on your big toe on your left foot. Feel the energy in your left toe as it becomes warm. Now keep your attention on your left foot and feel the energy as it climbs through your feet, ankles, calf, knees, quads, hips. Move this energy into your spine and hold it there.
  • Repeat this with your right foot, left arm and then right arm.
  • Hold the energy that you directed from all your limbs into your spine and now think about a courageous act. I think of the courageous act I just shared with you.  Your energy body is now infused with courage.
  • Now send this energy back to your right arm, left arm, right foot and left foot.

This is how you build your courageous body and have, no fear!

Additional Resources:

https://blog.myhelps.us/principle-4-have-a-positive-mind-set/

https://blog.myhelps.us/who-is-tending-your-mind-garden/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/conquering-fear_n_3909020

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/05/22/nothing-to-fear-how-to-find-courage-when-you-need-it-most/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.43ce47fdd4e3

How to Build your Self-Confidence Muscle

So What is, self- confidence? How do we define, self- confidence, and what does it look like?

Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.

Today’s episode is supported by Columbus Financial.  Are you in a deep hole of “Financial Depression” with nowhere to turn for help? Constantly being harassed by collection agencies? Then visit Columbus Financial and success coach. www.columbusfinancialcoach.com

In Today’s #podcast  Arifah and I are talking on the topic of How to build, Self-confidence, we want to  shed some light on one of the top struggles of , African American women,  self-confidence,

In the co-host chair today is registered, social worker and mental health counselor, Ms Arifah Yusuf.

How to Build Self Confidence
How to Build Self Confidence

What is Self-Confidence?

The most important thing to remember about, self- confidence, is that we were born with it. It is our natural state.

How many of you remember your play days as kids? As a child I was always the doctor or teacher.

Boys have no fear. They would climb to the tallest point in their home, put on a cape and jump! They were Superman!

So I would define, self- confidence, as certainty. Confident and certain that you are able to handle your job, your family, social events and personal relationships.

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How do you build, self-confidence?

Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.

But a large percentage of, African American women,  and men suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, because of negative input from parents, peers, and loved ones.

Usually centered on their intellect, the color of their skin, their hair, their lips, their butt, the section of town they live, their lack of designer clothing, and the list goes on.

It is important to note that lack of, self-confidence, always comes from negative comments that you believe. If you don’t let these negative comments in, they will never take root and grow.

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Here is a story showcasing how a lack of, self-confidence,  usually starts.

A surgeon opened his office one day and found a tall black man in the waiting room. He was six feet four inches tall and towered over the surgeon. He complained about his lip. You see his underlip protruded out from his top lip. His girlfriend told him she was ashamed to be seen in public with him because of his ugly lip; so he came to the surgeon to get it fixed.

The surgeon told him there was nothing wrong with his lip, it was just a minor protrusion. The black man insisted on getting it fixed; so the surgeon gave him an outrageous price of $1200 hoping he would go away.

He did, he said that he didn’t have that kind of money. But lo and behold, he came back the next day with a little black bag in his hand. He dumped the contents on the table. Bills poured out, his life savings; $1200 worth!

The doctor was shocked. He didn’t want to deprive the man of his life savings so he made him an offer. He agreed to do the surgery for a smaller fee on the condition that he tell his lady love that he paid $1200 for the surgery.

The operation was simple enough and one week later all the bandages came off and the man had a smaller lip he was proud of. All the surgery was done inside the lip so he had no visible scars except for a small scar inside the lip. The man was happy, he strode from the doctor’s office full of, self-confidence, A commanding figure. Tall, black and proud.

However a few weeks later he was back in the surgeon’s  office. His body seemed to have shrunk, his hands lost their strength, his voice squeaked. The doctor asked him what happened to him.

He said “the African Bug, sir. It got me and it’s killing me”

He told the doctor after he removed the bandages he went to see his lady love. She loved his lip and asked him how much he paid for the surgery.  When he told her $1200, she became enraged and cursed him saying she could have used that $1200 and accused him of hiding the money from her. She cursed him and told him he would die.

Deeply troubled and hurt, the man laid in his bed for 4 days worrying  about this curse that was going to kill him. Then running his tongue around, he discovered the horrible thing inside his mouth. He went to see a medical doctor who checked his mouth and confirmed that “the slimy African bug was stuck inside his mouth and it was indeed killing him.

The surgeon looked at this diminished and fearful man and asked him “Is it really in your mouth?”

“Yes sir,” the man said “the doctor tried to help get rid of it with liquids, pastes and potions – but nothing worked. The curse is too strong”. It’s burned inside my lip.

“Your lip?”

“Yes sir” the man said

“You didn’t say lip before”

The doctor ran his finger at the back of the man’s lip and told the disbelieving man that “the bug” was no more than scar tissue from his surgery.

The disbelieving man looked up in wonder and asked “then there is no African bug?”

The man stood up. Instantly he seemed to have regained his full height and strength. A rich smile spread over his face and his voice boomed out again. His, self-confidence, had returned.

The moral of this story is that you can’t get your, self-confidence, from other people. You have to take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses and deal with them on your own terms.

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Let’s bring Arifah into this, self-confidence, conversation. Arifah is a, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health issues. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.

Arifah I am sure that a large population of your clients suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, Why do you think that is?

I think there are many reasons young people lack, self-confidence, I often work with young people who experienced unhappy childhoods or maybe their parents neglected them in some way or they weren’t involved much in their lives.

Also I’d say lack of, self -confidence, sometimes comes from negative input from teachers or authority figures in their lives. Sometimes teachers have a way of saying things that discourage young people.  Making them feel inadequate made and like they couldn’t be successful.  That kind of influenced how they feel about themselves and their, self-confidence, I’d also say young people who have experienced trauma or bullying from their peers can obviously influence their, self-confidence,

I believe that when young people don’t value themselves and sometimes that comes from people not validating them, they often lack, self-confidence,

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How to Build Your Self-Confidence through Courageous acts

As a, life coach, I believe that Courage is a byproduct of, self confidence,

It takes courage to walk up on stage and speak to an audience large or small.

It takes courage to call that guy you like and ask him out.

It takes courage to go into that interview even though you have no idea what you are going to say.

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So how do you make yourself, Face the Fear, but do it anyway?

Tell yourself that it is not going to kill you.

My grandmother used to say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

And that’s exactly what, Feeling the fear but doing it anyway does for you. It makes you stronger, it builds your, self-confidence, muscle because even if you bombed you got practice and practice also makes perfect!

Here are my steps to build your, self-confidence, muscle on public speaking or doing a presentation at work.

  1. You can start by writing out your speech word for word and just read it
  2. Then as you get more, self- confidence, and your brain recorded that you did not die, you weren’t booed off the stage, nobody laughed at you.
  3. So the next step is to write out the headlines and speak from the heart on your headlines
  4. Sooner or later you will have, self- confidence, muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Tony Robbins and command the attention of the audience.

Arifah What are your steps to building the, self-confidence, muscle?

I find that it  wasn’t only their, self-confidence muscle,  that needed to be built up, it was their self-worth,  it was a whole bunch of things there was all built into the one thing.  If we were to put a label on it,  it would be that we’re not enough.

You would not believe how many people feel that they are not enough;  even the most successful

people like, Michelle Obama, in her book “Becoming Michelle Obama” felt that she wasn’t good enough.  Why did she feel that way?  Because she was black and from the south side of Chicago!

As, African American women,  we have got a lot of things that we have to deal with, we just have to believe that we are all born with purpose and with the love of God.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GetiPNOx9dU

I have seven steps that I use to help my clients gain, self-confidence:

  1. Self-reflection – every time I meet with them, I allow them to self-reflect on their day self-reflect on things that were happening in their lives with gratitude.
  2. Acknowledgement and self-acceptance – what makes them unique because everybody is unique.
  3. Positive reinforcement – praising their effort and not obsessing over mistakes.
  4. Mastering a skill – I had the girls work on a project. They created their own YouTube video. Everyone mastered a skill in the production of the video.
  5. Communication skills – I do a lot of exercises around different forms of communication. Assertiveness,  passive, passive aggressive etc.
  6. Positive self-talk and affirmations – paying attention to their internal dialogue
  7. Pay it forward – giving back helps build, self-confidence,

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Download on the following podcast players and please remember to subscribe, rate and review if you found this content helpful.

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Additional Resources:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyburnford/2019/01/08/confidence-one-more-muscle-to-exercise-this-year/

 

How to Raise your Self-esteem by Erasing Self Doubt

The Secret to Living the Life of your Dreams

 

So What’s the secret to, living the life of your dreams? Have you wondered how someone can be born with nothing, and then live a, dream life? They can live in abject poverty, having nothing to eat, sometimes homeless and in a few years become a millionaire?

In this episode of the Transform your mind, to Transform your Life, radio show and podcast, registered social worker and mental health counselor, Ms Arifah Yusuf Mortley, share what we believe is the secret to, living the life of your dreams.  Arifah is the founder and Program Director of  Lifted by Purpose, a company that Provides a diverse range of services including workshops or programs designed to help the youth in Toronto, Canada deal with mental health issues, make positive changes in their lives after issues with the criminal justice system.  Arifah has been a registered social worker specializing in mental health for over 15 years.  She just started working with the prison system to help inmates live fulfilling lives when released from prison.

There are more, rags to riches, stories than rich kids born with trust funds.

Some Names of, Rags to Riches, people

Oprah Winfrey

Tony Robbins

Dean Graziosi

Neal Donald Walsh – he went from living homeless on the street to writing the book “Conversations with God”

Arnold schwarzenegger

Les Brown

So what do all these people have in common. They focused their attention on what they wanted and not their current circumstances.

Rags to Riches, story of O.J Simpson

O.J Simpson, rags to riches story
O.J Simpson

A young boy was born into poverty in a rundown section of San Francisco. This young boy became a fan of football legend Jim Brown, then the running back for the Cleveland Browns.  Even though this young boy was crippled by Rickets  from malnutrition, he dreamed of one day becoming a star running back like his hero Jim Brown.

Since he had no money to pay to see his hero play, he would wait outside the stadium for the maintenance crew to open up the gate in the fourth quarter and he would hobble on his crocked legs into the stadium and watch the balance of the game.

At the age of 13, he walked into an ice cream parlor one day after a 49’rs game against the Browns and came face to face with his idol, Jim Brown.

He went up to him and said “Mr Brown I Am your biggest fan.  I know every record you’ve ever set, every touch down you’ve ever scored.  Mr Brown one day I am going to break every one of your records.”

Jim Brown smiled and said “That great Kid. What’s your name?”

The young boy smiled and said “Orenthal James Simpson my friends call me O.J”

O.J Simpson did indeed go on to break all of Jim Brown’s records proving that, whatever you water will grow, and that, energy goes where attention flows.

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Arifah what is your experience as a counselor with youth transforming their lives from nothing to something?

I think the story is very powerful in terms of sharing his lived experiences with adversity and having a mindset from an early age to be great. Being able to meet his mentor, the person that he looked up to was also a great moment in his life. I admire that he not only set a goal to be like his hero Jim Brown but he wanted to surpass him.

I know that’s the same even with me working with young people often when you’re in your situation sometimes you feel stuck but then if you take the moment to look at it and be like well if I feel like this is the worst situation for me the only way to go is up from here.

The best thing to do is to reflect on your situation, then look at your strengths and look at how you use those strengths.  Ask yourself how do I use those resources around me to get where I need to go.  Then you can definitely work towards transforming your life.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

I have a story of a young person.  He was referred to me by another social worker. This young man was always in and out of incarceration.  I was working on a peer support project with young people sharing their lived experiences and the learning from these experiences with other young

People.  This young man was awaiting trial for a new charge and while he was working in the program, he developed a lot of skills.  He learned to tell his story and self- reflect on some of his challenges.

One day his story connected with another youth and the youth told him his story changed his life.  That made him feel like a leader. He became inspired to help more youths in the program.

He graduated from our program, got a job in trades work and when he came out of prison got a full time job at a top company.  Today he is a supervisor, making good money and supporting his family.

As a, Life coach, I know for a fact that if you keep watering your goals with your attention and have faith and perseverance, you will one day manifest them into your experience and soon you will be,  living the life of your dreams.

Authors Myrna Trotman and Jerome Dickey
Me and Eric Jerome Dickey

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So how do you transform your current lack of resources, love, energy, or just a miserable existence to, Living the Life of your Dreams?

I am a follower of Ester Hicks and the consciousness of Abraham. I believe that The universe responds to whatever you focus on. You could be laying in bed with a broken body or in a broken relationship and you could shift your reality to where you want to be and that would become your new point of attraction.

If you were to focus on what you don’t have, you are in fact activating it to continue in your life. Eg If you focus on your lack of money or the lack of a man that is what you will continue to have.

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Arifah what are some exercises or steps you help your clients to live a, Life of their dreams ?

I focus on a strength-based assessment.  This assessment helps young people recognize their strengths or skills abilities and the things that they’re good at doing.  We made a list of things that he was good at.  Some of the things that he profited from illegally; but  skills like marketing,  figuring out demographics, leadership, acquiring a team.  The skills were transferable into other things.

Then we figured out what jobs matched the skills he was good at.  For example, he was good with his hands so we looked at construction jobs or trade jobs like plumbing.

Once we listed the jobs that he had an aptitude for, then it was just connecting him to those Resources. We looked for friends or family members who worked in that industry. We made a resource list of who he knew and where they worked.

Then we looked at what steps would he have to take to apply or what skills was needed for each job.  After this process, he became a little bit more hopeful.  He started to approach the problem with a positive mindset and a strategy.

My youth are able to find the perfect job and start, living the life of their dreams.

Here are the, Life coaching, steps to, Living the Life of Your Dreams

  1. As a Life coach I ask my clients to utilize their imagination.
  2. To withdraw their attention from the negative vibration of their current situation and dream.
  3. Our brains can’t tell the difference between real or imagined images.
  4. Launch their creation of their abundant life by launching their desires into the universe. Think of OJ Simpson.
  5. Become pure positive energy like a breath of fresh air

Everyone has something they can be grateful for even if it is feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin or being able to walk in the rain. Do you know that people in prison would give anything to feel the sun or walk in the rain. Positive vibration attracts positive things and circumstances into your experience.

Control where your awareness goes within your mind because that is where your energy flows.

Learn the fine art of concentration

Concentration is defined as holding your awareness on one thing.

Do you remember the book and movie the secret?

It was about the Law of attraction and creating vision boards and everyone in the movie had their vision come true. Everyone was living the, like of their dreams.

 

So what’s the secret to, living the life of your dreams? “Believe, have faith and persevere”

God said I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and give you hope.

 

To listen to the full audio interview

Download on the following podcast players and please remember to subscribe, rate and review if you found this content helpful.

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Additional Resources

https://bigthink.com/experts-corner/10-steps-to-attract-the-life-you-want

 

https://blog.myhelps.us/principle-1-keep-your-vision-in-front-of-you/

The Secret to Having it All