On Today’s episode “5 Minutes with Coach Myrna”, I teach How to Use the Universal, Law of Action, to achieve Success in Life
In the first episode of 5 mins with coach Myrna, I shared the First Universal Law “The Law of Divine Oneness” If you missed that episode please download. I am teaching on the 12 Universal Laws because they are the blue print for a life by design. They are the rules of the game.
Life is the only job that we don’t get a manual for and most of us leave this body as clueless as when we were born.
Today I want to teach on the:
The second Universal Law the, Law of Action,
Successful people are future oriented so if you are not taking action towards a vision or goal, you will remain stagnant.
Movement creates energy.
Newton First Law states – A body in motion stays in motion. If you, take action, towards your goals you will attain them. If you take, MASSIVE action, towards your goals you will attain them much much faster.
1. Because we are spiritual beings having a human experience, your higher self, which is your source, GOD, gives you guidance in the form of thought or dreams. When you act on that guidance it opens the communication for more guidance. Acting on the guidance you get from your higher self will propel you in the direction of your purpose. One way to gauge if you are moving in the direction of your purpose is your emotions. If you feel excited and happy to do the action then you are aligned. If you don’t feel good then it is not aligned to your goals or purpose and it is not from your spiritual guide. It is said that we have five voices in our head. You have to be able figure out who is speaking to you when you get direction.
If you don’t know what action to take.
Ask yourself, What does successful people do?
Ask yourself again, What do I have to become to do something I have not done before? Taking action usually means stretching yourself to do something you have not done before. The, Law of Action, means taking action in the direction of your goals.
Playing to your strengths will not stretch you.
You have to go beyond your comfort zone and stretch yourself like a rubber band!
Would you like to know what a Life Coach does? A Life Coach prepares you your main goal in life by getting you to your purpose and then holding you accountable to make it happen.
Strengths can be categorized in two columns. The first column are the ones you are born with and the other, the ones you cultivated.
For example Warren Buffet tells the story that he was deathly afraid of public speaking, but he was born with the ability to do math. At a very young age he had the ability to take apart financial statements and understand the true value of a company; but he had zero ability as a speaker. So that was the strength he cultivated. He took action, he joined Toastmasters. The, Law of Action, at work.
Tony Robbins teaches that not only should take action; but you should take, MASSIVE action.
Most coaches will tell their clients, if you have a goal take some action towards that goal. If you want a Mercedes Benz then order a brochure or go test drive it. If you want to enroll in higher education, then go visit the campus and get information; but, MASSIVE action, is totally different. MASSIVE action, is quitting your job and starting your own business. MASSIVE action is Ed Sheeran getting on a plane and coming to America looking for a record deal, with no money in his pocket and sleeping on the subway until he found work! The, Law of Action, worked again, Ed became the biggest male pop-star on the planet!
Conclusion, take action, take, massive action, let the, Law of Action, propel you towards your goals.
Contact me for a FREE Downloadable copy my new e-book “How to Shift Your Mindset to Achieve Your Goals”
Thank you for tuning into 5 mins with coach Myrna, the, Law of Action, In our next episode we will look at the third law of the Universe “The Law of Correspondence”
Please remember to share this episode with your friends and subscribe and post a review.
Until next time Namaste
The Lord said to Samuel “Don’t judge David by his appearance or height. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
In this episode of 5 min Fridays with Coach Myrna, I teach on why we should not judge our partners by their outward appearances, but by what’s in their heart.
Background story of why we should look into the heart
A blind girl hated everything and everyone except her boyfriend because he was the only one who was always there for her. When he asked her to marry him, she refused saying she could only marry a man if she could see his, eyes.
Sometime later someone gave her a pair of, eyes, and when she could see, she saw that her boyfriend was blind and his, eyes, were closed. She told him she couldn’t marry him because she couldn’t look at his closed, eyes, for the rest of her life. Her boyfriend went away with tears in his eyes.
Sometime later she received a letter from her boyfriend asking her to be careful with her, eyes, because they were once his!
So today I want to teach on how to look at the, heart, and not the covering.
True love comes from the heart
Let’s first define, true love. Is, true love, goose bumps, sexual attraction, chemistry, or is, true love, the willingness to give your partner what they need to be complete eg. your, eyes, if they can’t see?
Humans are always influenced by what they see. It is the first level of, attraction. What we see is linked to our, heart. I was watching the Tarzan movie the other day and when Tarzan met Jane, he started to sniff her private parts. Humans can’t go around doing that so we depend on our, eyes, to influence our, heart. That is why we spend hours every day tweaking our, appearance, so that we look our best.
But what about our insides? How much time do you spend tweaking our insides so that we are the best version of ourselves?
Don’t judge the outward appearance: look at the heart
The Lord said to Samuel “Don’t judge, David, by his, appearance, or height. People judge by, outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the, heart.”
Personally, I have always liked my men tall, dark and slim built and when I met my husband, I almost rejected him because he is built like a linebacker and definitely not tall and slim, but I noticed his, heart, immediately and that is why I married him.
Ladies it is nice to have a picture in your mind of what you are looking for in a man, but don’t reject someone outside of your parameters without first looking into his, heart. His, open heart, is what will love you and be emotionally available to you. It will love your kids, provide and protect your family.
I remember Joel Osteen preaching on the subject years ago. He said that his sister had this image of the man she wanted to marry and it didn’t include a red-haired man, so when a red hair man came courting, she sent him away until she realized that this was the man God chose for her. She had to let go of her idea of what a perfect man should look like and look at the, heart, of the man in front of her.
How a man treats others reveals his heart
They have now been married for over 20 years. Ladies sometimes you get what you ordered, but most times you have to take what shows up. Look at how the man treats you, how he treats his mother, how he treats the waiter and his relationship with God and you will get a peek into his, soul.
And if you find one with a great, heart, but not the, outward appearance, that you prefer, please don’t throw him back in the pond, because some other woman will gladly fish him out!
How to Listen to your Heart
By choosing to follow or, listen your heart, you are gaining the strength that comes from all the love you’ve ever had. Once you feel it, that love can overcome your problems.
Understand that if you approach someone with an, open heart, he or she will feel it and will most likely return a similar energy to you. That’s how relationships are born, reaching out and touching another. It’s what we all want, and it is available to you by just being willing to, listen to your heart.
Conclusion
Thanks for tuning into 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. I want to invite you to join my facebook group called Lifecoach to be inspired throughout the week.
Relational mindfulness, is the humanistic practice of compassionately relating to others, with an open mind and mutual respect. By putting aside your own beliefs and judgments, you can better empathize and understand others from their perspective.
Shari Foos is a Marriage and Family Therapist, adjunct professor and the creator of The Narrative Method, a California 501c3 non-profit organization. Part of the Human Connection movement, TNM creates programs, products and experiences that address the growing isolation and need for real connection through sharing stories. Foos also co-founded the Bridge in 1999, a free humanities program for low-income adults at Antioch University Los Angeles. She received a MS in Narrative Medicine from Columbia University and a MA in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles.
As a sought-after expert on the subject of, relationships, remote group dynamics and meaningful connection, her writing and commentary have appeared in a range of online and print publications and podcasts, including Real Simple, Huffington Post, Women’s Health, KBLA, Fatherly, Thrive Global, Shondaland, The LA Weekly, Sparks & Honey Culture Briefings, Sondership, Let Pleasure be The Measure, and Bustle. Ms. Foos serves on the board of the City Kids Foundation and is the recipient of the New Directions for Veterans Community Hero Award (2015) and The Antioch University Los Angeles Lifetime Achievement Award (2016).
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Shari: I do think every one of us has had, trauma, different degrees, but we certainly all know the feeling of loss or shame or humiliation, or unfair treatment etc. I think of emotions like a piano with all of the keys, we have all of them to different extents at different times. But even if we don’t always use those really high notes or the low, low, low, notes, they’re there and that serves as our empathy. And because of that, we can sit with someone who’s going through something terrible that maybe in our day-to-day life, we’ve never experienced, but we can feel it in our soul because it’s a human experience.
When we put ourselves aside to be truly present and available with our lovingness acceptance or non-judgment or empathy, to hear someone’s story, from their perspective, not our judgment or assumptions. That person feels better. No matter what the problem is, they feel better, because without being heard, we go crazy, that is all part of, relational mindfulness.
When someone comes to you who you love, and they’re really excited about something and you’re so excited with them, that’s when you are aligned, right? You are, head-to-head, heart to heart. That’s easy. But when somebody comes to you, with a complexity that you have a lot of feelings about whether it’s addiction or someone’s choice of spouse or whatever that may be. It’s more difficult. And that’s why we practice awareness, wonder, empathy that is called, AWE, or, relational mindfulness.
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Myrna: Exactly. And here’s where I think it’s going to lead into something else, I know you’re interested in, which is, relational mindfulness.
You had a bad childhood bridge, the gap for us. How did you go from having a bad childhood to being a therapist, and a, marriage therapist? Did it have something to do with your parents’ marriage?
Shari: Well, yeah, that wasn’t very good, my father was a rageaholic and it was at a time where even more so than now, there was a lack of understanding about, mental health. And so, he wouldn’t seek treatment and it just wasn’t in the mentality of people then. So as a result of my having a childhood in which I was wounded, and on top of that, I was never heard or seen, you know, and it’s not uncommon. Lots of people grow up like that, but don’t know that it could be better. So, I was fortunate in that I had friends and I would go to their houses and see like, Wait a minute. This is different from my house.
I watched Leave It to Beaver, where the father would, talk, about it in the library. Our family definitely didn’t have talks. As a result, and probably because of who I came in as into the world, I’ve just always been incredibly passionate about what makes people feel behave. So, I would study my father, the sweat on his upper lip, depending on what was happening there. I knew he was about to blow, and that’s when I got interested in, body language.
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Relational mindfulness starts with reading body language
Myrna: That is excellent on so many levels. One, let’s, talk, about the, talk, issue. I mean, I love that, when I’m talking to someone on the show, I can always bring in personal experience. I read a lot of books, I listen to podcasts and watch television shows. Just yesterday, I was watching of all things Reba, where the it was meant to be comedy, but Van was talking to Reba about her relationship with her daughter and he says, you guys do something called, talk!
And that was so funny. And that’s basically what you’re just saying. You went to other places and saw people actually talking and there was no talking going on in your house. So, you’re right, about your, childhood trauma. Everything starts from there. In fact, I was even reading this book yesterday and it says that every child goes through some kind of emotional damage, even the ones that think they had a great, childhood.
So, talk to us now about, relational mindfulness, and how this, awareness, builds, relationships. You know, a lot of times men has moods, and women have moods, and being aware of when they’re going into a mood or something could be, relational mindfulness.
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Shari: Right, that’s a great concept. And it’s a great question. Here’s again, I know it’s a new word. It’s gonna take a while to sink in. But that talking thing, talk, talk, whatever. When you live with someone, you don’t have to consciously think whoa, his shoulders are slumped or, her bottom lip is really pouty but there is a tremendous value in our being able to break down the, communication, the nuanced, communication, that is silent, because it’s one thing that we rely on we rely on it not just for survival.
That’s what lovemaking is. And that’s what disconnecting is. So, here’s, here’s a good thing that you may do consciously or unconsciously, but you could see that the other persons in a bad mood, and then maybe it triggers you to think, Oh, great. Now I got to take care of you. You know, I have some needs too, but had you been able to, talk, to the person you both might have found out what was going on with each other? Here’s the number one thing to do. It’s so easy. If you need to have a serious, talk, because when we, talk, about, relational mindfulness, it’s a very deliberate action.
It would be really hard to live in that 24/7 You know, but it’s a state of hyper awareness. Of the impact of your words, settled communications, as well as the other person’s. And the idea is you never begin a conversation like that, unless both people in this moment feel willing to be selfless and take turns listening.
And it’s okay. It’s gotta be okay if the persons not there. Because we know that sometimes they’ll say, okay, I’ll talk about something. And if your heart isn’t into it, and a person is asking you to really look at it from my perspective, if there’s resistance, it’s not a good time to talk about it. It’s okay, let’s wait. That’s, relational mindfulness.
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Honestly, you could cancel out so many problems with, relational mindfulness. It’s just good to hear for 20 minutes five minutes, whatever. Would you be willing to have a session of all where we’re both agreeing to mutual respect, awareness, wonder and empathy, taking turns sharing our feelings and then reflecting them back to the other person.
Reflecting them back in the storyteller, making sure that they’ve got it right. And lovingly, of course, correcting each other, then we’ve got it right. Now we can move on to another point that the same person estimate or the other person can share their perspective, but constantly check in because it’s a lot to put yourself aside, especially when somebody is saying things that like, you know, 10 minutes ago.
Wait a minute. I don’t agree with that. So, one thing I often will do for myself is I’ll keep a little pen and paper just so that I can get something off my mind. I don’t even have to look at it to scribble it.
Or ask the person to stop, but everybody realizes that this is a very focused state that is difficult to maintain. There are times we maintain it for a long time, especially for meeting somebody new who may not be pushing our buttons the way our spouse does, but who out there has or has had a spouse has never felt like I’ve told you that a million times before.
I mean, if they had said what they thought they had said, you would have heard it. The problem is either in the delivery or the receiving, let’s find out. Let’s find out with the, communication.
Myrna: That’s a good point. So, you’re saying when they say that I’ve told you a million times, they’ve said it in their heads but not to you?
Shari: Or the way that they’re articulating it? isn’t getting through to you. A lot of times, they’re saying the words but their body action is not is not conveying the message, and the receiver doesn’t actually believe it.
Myrna: So that’s great. But I want to circle back to something you said there where you’re right sometimes is not the right time to ask somebody to talk or ask somebody to get into. I like that, you know, awareness, wonder, and, empathy. I normally work with energy, because I can feel, energy. And I know when it’s not the right time because of, energy. How do you respond with that?
Shari: Well, I think there are two factors for me in terms of reading someone else. One is certain things are obvious. For instance, if someone’s crying, you don’t necessarily know right off the bat, why the person is crying, or if they’re crying for joy or sadness. You soon see the difference. But we can misinterpret someone because of the way they think about something.
So even though I pay attention to my instincts, I always check in so you know if I see someone’s upset and I feel like they want to be alone, I still want to say I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if you want to, talk, about it, but I want you to know I’m here for you or I want you to know I’m so sorry I have to leave or whatever is true for you.
Myrna: I like that, because sometimes you see something and there’s one and why are you bothering me? If you’re saying you’re just checking in, I don’t know if you want to, talk, about it or not. That’s good, but I’m just checking in let me know when you want to, talk, or something like that.
We’re touching a lot of stuff on, relational mindfulness. How would you describe, relational mindfulness?
Shari: Relational mindfulness, is the humanistic practice of compassionately relating to others, with an open mind and mutual respect. By putting aside your own beliefs and judgments, you can better empathize and understand others from their perspective. And that’s really what it is. So, the idea is, we take turns, especially if we’re having a problem with each other, we’ve already tried both talking at the same time.
And I know, we both know, we’re right, but I’m right. Okay, we’ve done that. And at some point, we may get to a place where we decide I’d rather communicate than be right sometimes I’d rather apologize can be right, because if you perceive that my action, or behavior, or style or subtle communication was offensive, it doesn’t really matter. If that was my intention. I am sorry. I’m especially sorry, that wasn’t my intention.
How does awareness wonder and empathy deepen relationships
Myrna: How do you think that, awareness, wonder, and, empathy, deepens, relationships? What does the science say?
Shari: Well, first of all, one thing that connects our brains is, eye contact, which we can accomplish online which is amazing. Our, eye contact, connects us, syncs our brains. And if we were in MRI machines, you will see our brains are lit up in the same place. But if our backs are to each other, first of all, we don’t know what expression is on someone’s face.
Maybe their faces are mean. If you’re at some level of aggravation, it’s a good time to not have an, AWE, session. Take care of yourself first, run around the block, take a shower, ask for a hug if you’re able, you know, but we need to do what we can do to kind of get our homeostasis back. I suggest to people this self-soothing tool that you can do any place at any time. You take your dominant hand, put it on your heart, and when you really start feeling your heartbeat, you let your hand take comfort from that and vice versa. So, it’s a loop of calm. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to deal with this moment.
Shari: This is the organization I founded in 2014. And it is devoted to bringing together people from completely different backgrounds to connect through sharing the stories of their lives and creative experiences. So, as I mentioned earlier, we do writing groups that are for free on online and they last one hour. You write for a total of 20 minutes, you see pictures, you get prompts. You go into breakouts; you share your stories. At the end, we do this mosaic where everybody pitches in one sentence. One hour, in and out.
Nobody has writer’s block. Nobody’s judged, nobody’s wrong. There’s no mistakes possible. People have a blast with themselves, because we’re really working on how to turn on your creative faucet without that voice inside that says how many. And then the conversation groups which we do on Thursday nights are a matter of seeing compelling videos about anything.
Then getting a prompt and going into breakouts and sharing a story that just came up as a result of those things. And so, people get to know each other because there’s no small talk. And it’s fascinating to hear, not just another person’s story, but whoa, that made you think of this? It’s fascinating. It’s so cool. We offer those free. We have classes, we do trainings. The website is www.thenarrativemethod.org
There are several stories in the bible about the, virtuous woman. Proverbs say A, virtuous woman, who can find? For her price is worth more than rubies. Proverbs 12:4 says A, virtuous woman, is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, I look at traits of the, virtuous woman, and use as my foundational story the, bible story, of, Ruth and Naomi, and why, Boaz, called, Ruth, a, virtuous woman.
One of my favorite, Bible stories, is the story of, Ruth and Naomi.
The story is told that, Naomi, Ruth’s mother-in-law had huge losses. Her husband died as well as her two sons leaving her with no money. She said that the Lord made her life very bitter and caused her to suffer.
So, Naomi, decided to return home to Bethlehem in Judah because the Lord had blessed Judah with grain.
Naomi blessed her daughter in laws and sent them back home to their families but Ruth clung to her refusing to leave her
Naomi and Ruth, moved to Judah where Naomi told Ruth to go work in the fields of, Boaz, a very wealthy man. Boaz, noticed this strange woman working hard in the fields and enquired who she was. He was told that she was the young woman who came back with, Naomi.
Ruth the virtuous woman
Boaz, was impressed about what he heard about this, virtuous woman, and told his workers to treat her kindly and drop bundles of grain on purpose so she can pick up.
Ruth, worked throughout both the barley harvest and the wheat harvest then, Naomi, decided it was time for her to get a husband.
She gave, Ruth, instructions on what to do and, Ruth, did everything her mother-in-law told her to do. She bathed, put on her best dress applied perfume and lay at the feet of, Boaz. That was the submissive gesture. Boaz, woke up and accepted the offer blessing her for not going after a younger man.
The story ends with, Boaz, marrying, Ruth, and her son Obed was the grandfather of David.
Boaz, called Ruth a, virtuous woman
In this story Ruth was called a, virtuous woman, because:
She was loyal to her mother-in-law,
She was willing to work,
She was willing to leave her home and be a foreigner in another land and
She did everything her mother-in-law told her to do
What are the modern-day traits of a virtuous woman?
A, virtuous woman, cares for her family.
She is a hard worker.
While she toils faithfully in meeting the needs of her own family, she also doesn’t forget to help the other needy people God brings across her path.
She also takes the time to look after her own health and be a good steward of her body.
What’s the benefit of being a virtuous woman?
Aristotle, says that the, keys to happiness, is the practice of, virtue, because, virtue, is in accord with human reason. Aristotle, stated that we can reach minor states of happiness through money, power, or fame, but ultimate happiness can only be reached though the practice of, virtue.
A, virtuous woman, has character traits such as honesty, chastity, courage, and generosity. Virtue, theorists believe that if we concentrate on being righteous people, the right actions will follow; in other words, the people with the right character tend to make the right decisions.
What is the meaning of Virtuous:
Morally good; acting in conformity to the moral law; practicing the moral duties, and abstaining from vice; as a, virtuous man.
Being in conformity to the moral or divine law; as a virtuous action; a virtuous life.
The mere performance of, virtuous, actions does not denominate an agent virtuous.
Chaste; applied to women.
Efficacious by inherent qualities;
Conclusion
Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. I hope to see you back here next week for another episode of 5 min Fridays until then Namaste
We are, spiritual, beings having a human experience. Spirituality, is being willing to lower the volume on your, skepticism, and connect to the source. Tracy Litt, author of the Worthy Human shares how we can embrace our, spirituality, and release our emotions to achieve, success.
Tracy Litt is a sought-after success mentor for visionary women leaders that are navigating huge paradigm shifts and elevating into the next level of themselves, so they can seamlessly generate the next level of their impact, wealth, and holistic success. Tracy is a certified mindset coach, spiritual advisor, rapid transformational hypnotherapist, best-selling author, and TEDx speaker.
She is the Founder of The Litt Factor, and creator of Mind Magic ®, a proven methodology that marries metacognition and spirituality, neuroscience and quantum law to expand and elevate more quickly. Her work has served thousands of women across the globe and has been featured in Entrepreneur, Fast Company, Thrive Global, and Inc.com. Her book Worthy Human is a #1 best seller in Spiritual Growth and Mindset.
Myrna: Tell us about how you became a certified mindful mindset coach, or why you became a certified mindset coach.
Tracy: For me I went through a lot of triumph in life, right as all of us have. And I was consistently met with this calling that I’m here to do something deeper. I’m here to work with people on a more transformational level. I was born for impact and positive influence to make a beautiful dent in the progress of our world.
And in order to do that, it really comes down to each one of us doing the work of ourselves on ourselves, to make the ripple effect that actually creates change for the world. And energetic frequency for our generations, our children’s children, all of those beautiful things. So, it was a calling for me to step up into what my capacity was. Yet I wasn’t scratching the surface, because I was living beneath my worth. I’m not enough and I’m not smart enough which we all have in this world.
Myrna: Not being enough always shows up.
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Emotional Suppression comes from feeling not enough
Tracy: It is impossible to be a living, breathing adult and not have an enoughness wound somewhere. Unless you worked on it already, because the nature of the way our psyche works and how we know things happen in our upbringing. And the way we ingest things and make it mean something when we’re little, we always make it mean something about us, and then we carry that story in that belief structure. When we get older and something happens, usually catalytic, we’re hoping that we don’t get smacked over the head by a circumstance.
So, all of those things are really why I showed up to do what I do in the world. And you know, I was a single mother with an eight-month-old daughter. That was my first wake up call that called me to show up differently by letting go of the victim hood that I was living in powerlessness. I was subscribing into creating a whole new version of myself and a life for my daughter who is now 18 years old so that’s gives you some frame of reference.
And then I was called to climb the corporate ladder and landed as a Vice President of Human Resources and still was like, I’m not happy. I did all the things. Why am I not happy? Here I am like, I’ve got a six figure job, working from home. Isn’t that supposed to be joyful? And it wasn’t. So, I answered that deeper calling and went back to school an adult learner at 39 years old, and launched the Lift Factor and we’re in our fifth year. So yes, I’m about to be 45 this year.
Myrna: Wow! I’m sure you’ve heard it before. You look great.
Tracy: Teenage daughters, they keep me very young.
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Emotional suppression leads to unhappiness
Myrna: That’s great. You know, it’s interesting that is a story that we hear so often, that people are successful. They’ve got the house; they’ve got the job, they’ve got the cars, they’ve got the white picket fence, and yet they’re still seeking. They’re still seeking that happiness.
Tracy: So, here’s what’s going on with that Myrna. We were all raised in a conditional happiness model. Okay, which I’ll break down for us. We were all raised that the outside dictates the inside. belief structure, which then reports how we all show up. So it’s very much I’ll be happy when I have a million dollar business. I’ll be happy when I find love in my life. I’ll be happy when or I’ll be sexy when I lose 10 pounds, right?
So what part of the call to work on ourselves and really recognize that as our core purpose is to completely shift out of these paradigms that we’ve been subscribing to all of this time and realize, oh, wait a minute. The reason why I could chase the carrot, get the carrot and chase the next carrot. Get the next pair to chase the next carrot, get the next until you die and still might actually feel joy in your body and your soul because joy and happiness is an inside job.
It’s about recognizing where you are holding on to when I’ll feel happy. And do the reverse of that and start to cultivate and get your body familiar with that emotion of joy and happiness. Not because something cool just happened outside of you; but because that is the state of being that you choose.
Myrna: Yeah, when we do visualization work, they tell you to feel the joy of having something that you want before you actually have it. But I’m sure that’s not what you’re talking about. We’re talking about finding ourselves, loving yourself and finding happiness right now. With your current body, with your current job, with your current circumstances.
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So that when you get the things that you want, you will know what joy looks like. I like what you said about chasing the carrot. We all know as coaches, that whenever you achieve one goal, you set the next goal. Yeah, we are always chasing that carrot. So all right. So that’s great now your expertise is in you know, spirituality.
So I want to start off by asking you a question that I talk about all the time because I’ve heard it from Deepak Chopra. And I’ve heard it from a lot of the luminaries and a lot of, spirituality, leaders. And it says that we are, spiritual beings, having a human experience. So how can we embrace this, spirituality? You know, a spirit having a human experience to create our success.
Tracy: Spirituality, is the foundation of all my work. Spirituality, first be willing to lower the volume on your, skepticism, because, skepticism, is really like a sabotage tactic that your ego uses. So you can just keep disconnected and still hustle and make it hard and kind of continue to affirm who you’ve been.
So when you demote the, skepticism, let’s say that you allow yourself to believe what I’m saying to you, that you are a spiritual energetic being having a human experience because scientifically, it’s not Tracy’s ideas on life, scientifically, we are all, energy.
Myrna: I’ve heard that so many times before, but let’s let’s do this. Just break it down.
Tracy: Right and that’s one of my superpowers, breaking down, spirituality, so it makes sense. So we are, energy, scientific fact, not a spiritual fact. So when we realize that we are spiritual energetic beings, but we’re existing in physical form as human beings, we get to leverage both parts of those truths and understand our, spirituality.
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In our humanness we’re feeling fear and lack and scarcity and concern about inclusion and belonging and are we good enough etc. Problems from a, consciousness, perspective. Our, higher consciousness, in the dimensions of, consciousness, and, energy, is going higher.
Myrna: Yep. Okay. So that’s great. Yes, because one of the ways I normally go with that when we’re talking about, spirituality, is you’re connecting to the source and with source, everything is possible. You become limitless, right? Do you ever teach on that one?
Tracy: 100% Because ultimately, your, highest self, operates in the highest, consciousness, available right to their dimensions of, consciousness, your, Higher Self, exists in your fifth dimension of, consciousness. Consciousness, by the conscious awareness, quantum field, all of that space. So when you are in your, highest self, and you’re trusting, you are the most open, you are the most connected to source, you’re also in your highest residence.
You’re also in your most enjoyable states of emotion. You’re not yet when you’re in worry and guilt and not enoughness and resentment and anger. You’re in your humaneness, you’re in love and radiance and trust and bliss and detachment from, spirituality.
Myrna: So that’s true. I noticed from your bio, you also talk about, quantum law. When you’re connecting with your, spirituality, and your, higher self, you’re tapping into, quantum energy, in the, quantum field. Which means that things happen immediately.
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Connecting to the quantum field
Tracy: Essentially, quantum energy, quantum physics, quantum law, it all means the same thing. It is proven that everything is actually all connected all at the same time and completely available to us. When your energetic, resonance and frequency is lower, and you are in a lower level of emotional states like the ones I was saying before frustration, unworthiness, resentment, anger, overwhelm, you are not at your highest resonance, which is what allows you to connect to the, quantum field.
Myrna: So that’s just a very expanded explanation, we’re all spiritual beings having a human experience.
Tracy: Your emotional state becomes your energetic resonance. Emotional suppression, is when you consciously say Nope, I don’t want to feel that and just shut down. Emotional repression, is unconscious repression, which means you’ve been repressed, you don’t even know you’ve been repressed and that you’ve been denying yourself the opportunity to feel your emotions and feel your feelings.
What’s ultimately our biggest goal for everyone everywhere is to be the fullest expression of who you are, right? So being expressed not only means to express yourself verbally and in personality, but also to allow your emotions and your feelings to express themselves. Whether that is through beautiful crying or screaming or punching all these beautiful ways to release emotion from your body.
Emotional suppression leaves you emotionally congested
When you’re emotionally congested, you’re also very reactive. Like the anger comes faster and the resentment comes. So you’re a little like when my kids were little we used to call it being prickly. You’re unable to feel much trust and bliss that we were just talking about and your higher levels of, consciousness.
Myrna: So the question I have here for you is what makes it so hard to change and to up level.
Tracy: Well, because it’s unfamiliar, that’s the real answer. So the art of change and why does it feel so hard to change this because you actually have to become different. And when we’re in the, human growth, potential space, it’s not discussed enough that if you’re really going to become different you’re going to really have to get uncomfortable. And that is, it feels physical, an up level where you actually stretch out of your zone of familiarity into the next ring or two or three of what’s available to you.
It feels like a physical stretch. And to be able to successfully change and transform we have to have a profound understanding of our connection to our bodies and what it means to create safety in our system. Because change means different means unknown means uncertain, and your mind body goes Oh, hell no, I’m not allowing that human to do that. I’m going to keep her safe and the same done right. So to recognize what’s happening in the mind, because that’s what the mind does. It says this is unfamiliar, this is not safe.
You must also understand that if you’re not working with the body, you’re not really working with the, mind. Also it seems counterproductive or counter intuitive to what we’re taught, but it’s the truth and even the mindset of the teacher. But I don’t do any, mindset, work without the body. Because you feel how you think, and you think how you feel. Your feelings are in your body and your thoughts are in your, mind.
So the, mind, drives feelings because that’s where our amygdala is. Our fear response gets ignited there, but it’s our body, our nervous system that keeps the score and tells all and does or doesn’t allow you to change. So once you understand that you go okay, I can learn how to create safety in my body. Now, all of a sudden, you can move outside of the zone of familiarity, you can change, because you know that where you’re going is amazing.
Myrna: So why does the body tell you that it’s unsafe?
Tracy: Because it’s different from what you have known. Your, mind and body, even though it is consciously what you desire and say you want your, mind and body, are active 24/7, 365 days per year. It’s trying to keep you the same, hell or high water at all costs. Mastering of the, mind and body, is part and parcel to your ability to, transform.
Tracy: The Litt Factor that’s my company, very excited and proud of it. My dad gave me that last name so it’s all him and it just happened to be a really cool last name. because we didn’t live. So the Litt Factor we are human growth and potential company and we specialize in working with visionary women leaders and entrepreneurs. To do the inner work necessary to become the next level versions of themselves, so that they can easily generate impact and wealth and holistic, success, and feel joy and presence along the way.
That’s what we do and, mind magic, is really our flagship framework. So it is a gorgeous container for visionary women leaders and entrepreneurs. You come in who you are, and you leave the next version of yourself in the most incredible way. It marries neuroscience, quantum law, meta-cognition, healing and, spirituality, in community. And that’s the kicker, that’s the key. You don’t grow in isolation.
You are really learning how to receive unconditional love, learning how to be rallied around, learning how to accept. Being in a sphere and a vortex of other women who are letting go of the status quo, who are breaking free of old paradigms, who are being the fullest expression of themselves. It’s like the wind beneath your wings. And it’s extraordinary.
So that’s what, mind magic, does. And it’s been so profound. It’s so proven we now have a 0% fail rate of anyone who comes to the program and does the work. We actually have a certification process as well. I certified other service providers, healers, coaches, financial experts, strategists on the, mind magic, framework, so that they can take it out in the world and affect change.
Myrna: Tell us your website, your social handles and also you can talk about your book. Yeah, tell us about your book. It’s a beautiful title. Worthy Human.
Tracy: Please go get the book. It is an incredible read. It is not just theory to the point of our conversation. It is both theory, story and work. So there are sections in the book called The work where you literally pause and do the work. I’ve had people simply invest in the book and transform with nothing else. So if you’re willing to show up for yourself and do the work, it’s a great place to start. And you can get that on Amazon. And if you’re an audio book kind of person, I read the audio so it’s like me loving you and yelling at you for six hours.
Book Worthy Human
Myrna: I am definitely an audio person. I’ll get it myself.
Tracy: If you go to www.littfactor.com it has absolutely everything, but if you go to www.whatwouldshedo.net there is a free gift that I have. It’s a three part audio training course, all about connecting to the next level version of you and what it means to let her lead in every area of your life personally and professionally.
Are you aware of your, emotional home? It is what you, focus, on when the going gets tough, determines your, actions. Your, emotional home, is the emotion you return to when life events happen, good or bad. For example, have you ever been fired? What did you, focus, on?
What was your, emotional response? Did you, focus, on fear that you will be homeless? Was it hope that you will find a better job, or did you, focus, on gratitude, that now you can do what you really love. Science shows that our, emotions, have a home and we always go home.
Tony Robbins, tells the story often about one Thanksgiving when he was 11 years old, his step father had just lost his job and they were eating saltine crackers and butter for dinner when there was a knock at the door and a man was there with a basket of food and a Turkey.
His father was not grateful for the food. He told the man at the door. We don’t accept charity and tried to shut the door in the man’s face. The man put his foot in the door and responded it was not charity and he was just the delivery man.
His father took the food without saying thanks and slammed the door in the man’s face.
We’re you bullied in school because you wore hand me downs and your shoes had holes in them?
Did your parents favor your siblings?
In every one of those scenarios, you focused on the situation.
You probably give it the meaning that you were worthless or unlovable.
What, actions, did you take?
Did you become sexually promiscuous?
Did you sleep with boys or men to get money to buy stuff?
Did you hate your parents or siblings?
The, emotions, that came from the meaning affect our, actions, and are the, emotions, you return to when you are hurt.
Let me help you change the narrative – you have to deliberately draw a line in the sand and change it. It takes work to, rewrite your story.
Download on Spotify
STEPS TO REWRITE YOUR STORY
Examine your habits Instead of focusing on what you want to change, turn your attention to the bad habit or habits that lead to you wanting to learn how to change yourself. Are your sugar cravings at 10 PM what lead to you being overweight? Is your habit of sleeping in and arriving at work late getting in the way of your promotion? Once you’ve identified the, negative habits, you can create better ones that will help you, rewrite your story, such as utilizing delayed gratification.
Practice every day Once you know what your new, healthy habits, are, practice them every single day – no matter what. Have a backup plan in case circumstances get in the way of your new habits and don’t allow yourself to cut corners.
Focus on self-reflection One of the habits that lead you to wanting to learn how to change your life around was not facing reality. You need to, focus, on realistic self-reflection throughout your journey and, when needed, ask those you trust for their perspective. Are you improving? If not, what else needs to change?
Surround yourself with good people When you spend quality time with good people who love you, you develop a natural support system for your new habits and you are able to, rewrite your story, in a nurturing environment.
Keep taking risks If you want to learn how to change your life, you cannot stay in your comfort zone. You need to take risks until you get comfortable with those risks – then take more. The more you push yourself, the easier it will become to rewrite your story and transform your life.
Conclusion
Can you use your story to help others?
If you take control of your mind and, focus, on making better decisions, sometimes the worst experiences in life turn out to be your best teachers and your, testimony.
Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of, 5 min Fridays, I hope you were inspired to become aware of your emotional home and if is not a positive emotion, change it. Until next time Namaste
Ben Oosterveld became a, real estate agent, and a coach and said I would literally show the agents how to do sales using their, inner game. I convinced 12, real estate agents, to coach with me, and I said, I’m gonna really kill this. I’m going to destroy it. It’s not going to be hard. I know how to do it, but I’m going to do it alongside you.
And it was the weirdest coaching program ever. I said only one group of people are ever going to see this and I became Rookie of the Year. My first year I did over 80 transactions. But I but I also hired an assistant within my first three weeks, because I was businessman.
Ben Oosterveld, didn’t have an easy start. He lived on the streets from the age of 14, survived a failed suicide attempt at age 15, and later spent 365 days in rehab. Ben’s, inner game, needed work. He was a pure-bred, people pleaser, manipulative & controlling man who always compared himself to others to the point of constant self-sabotage.
Ben has since coached entrepreneurs and national companies. Previously, he built a real estate investment company that held 61 properties with investors in 4 different cities. After getting his real estate license, he built a multimillion-dollar real estate business with an award winning top national team in 3 years.
Today, Ben helps business owners and, real estate agents, get clear about who they really are and what they really want. He helps them make the right changes in their business and life with the new goal of building a life they love. His focus is on coaching, speaking, and running personal growth retreats. Ben loves business but his real obsession is helping people break free of the old patterns that hold them back in life. The, inner game, is everything to him and he is on a mission to find his tribe, one extraordinary person at a time.
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Myrna; : Can you share your backstory, why you were suicidal and bridge the gap for us and how you went from there to here?
Ben: Sure, I grew up in a tough childhood. I had good parents, but my dad was not in a place to be a parent. He has his own backstory that shaped him. And yeah, just I started running away from home when I was 12 and lived on the streets. I was a very industrious kid, but still and I would find places to sleep and just honestly just got into drugs. Alcohol found a place of acceptance. I never felt accepted.
I got really good at doing drugs as a young kid, every day just getting go. I ended up trying to commit suicide and committed in a psychiatric ward. I broke out of the psychiatric ward as a kid and that was on the news. My parents told me the news it was a pretty crazy story. But there’s lots of stories within all these stories, but I went to a place called Teen Challenge. I went to 365-day rehab center, my plan was I was gonna give this one last try. And I went and that helped me. It helped me a lot.
And then I went into the world. I got into sales. I got into selling. My dad was a salesman, so it’s just ironic that I got into sales. I desperately wanted his approval and his love thinking that was the missing hole in my life, thinking that was the actual hole that I needed to fill was based around my father relationship. But it was a relationship with myself. I didn’t realize that till later. And I figured, you know, we got to work on this relationship with my dad and, and he was really interested in to me when I was doing things that he was interested in.
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The performance mentality to crush real estate sales
I built the, performance mentality. You know, people pleasing, mentality where I felt loved when I worked hard, so became a workaholic. My dad was a salesman and a financial planner. I became a, salesman. But I’d be not just a, salesman, I became number one, salesman. I had this weird drive that but if I wasn’t number one, I was nothing. I had this huge gap happiness was always based on my performance, and what other people would say about me. I knew I could control what other people say if I just become number one.
I became a, real estate investor, and the first year or so I bought 41 properties and ended up building a, real estate investment, company. I ended up coaching, real estate agents. We changed the investment company when the crash happened. That was a pretty huge hit in my psychology, because I was always winning, and I didn’t know what it was like to not win. I cried at my desk. I went through a lot then I hired a, life coach. And I hired someone I thought he was a, business coach.
His name was Mr. McKernan and I worked with him for eight years. And he was the first guy to challenge me. I was a very strong, strong person. I could tell myself stories and I could convince you and me of these stories. And a lot of times we just got to identify some self-awareness around these people that are going on with their stories. I’ve really niched out in, real estate, to help the, real estate industry and, real estate agents.
I actually became a, real estate agent, and a coach and I would literally show the agents how to do sales. So, I convinced 12, real estate agents, to coach with me, and I said, I’m gonna really kill this. I’m going to destroy it. It’s not going to be hard. I know how to do it, but I’m going to do it alongside you. And it was the weirdest coaching program ever. I said only one group of people are ever going to see this and I became Rookie of the Year. My first year I did over 80 transactions. But I but I also hired an assistant within my first three weeks, because I was businessman.
Why would you buy a restaurant and try to cook and serve all at the same time? Real estate agents, all over the country are doing everything themselves. And I realize it’s the thinking that’s the problem. They think they can keep selling and selling, but they forget that you could build a, referral base, every single year bigger and bigger and eventually if you did 1000 deals in your lifetime and you have a 10% referral rate, you’d have 100 sales every single year without even spending $1 in marketing. So, no one’s playing the long game. I coach now helping, real estate agents, put in the right systems in place, so they can buy back their time because a business is if you’re a, salesman, you got to grind it out.
But if you’re a business owner, what you’re doing is designing your company to serve the life that you want. The question is what else do you want? And that’s where I’m a blackbelt, because I can help people uncover what they want. Now we create that then we say how much does that cost? Cool. So, you only need 200 grand a year to have the life you want when you thought you needed a million.
So, we do a lot of work regarding the, inner game, and figuring out what they want. Most people don’t know. My journey has been this weird, obsessed with human behavior and psychology because I was broken and I hated myself. So, I just was I tried to fix myself along the way and then the, inner game, really changed me.
It’s been many, many lessons. We could talk for long. I’m sure we could share stories. The thing is, though, the biggest one. The biggest one happened the last, say three years for me. I’ve done well. I’ve done been doing this for years now. But the thing is, I got to a place where I would see something in my life and I want to fix it. I want to fix, people pleasing, manipulative, anger, whatever you can choose, anxiety, and I looked at it and I say I don’t want that in me.
So now I’m going to use my skill of attacking and my builder skill, which is like, let’s figure out how to get it down. I would study and try to attack these ailments that I had that I didn’t like. But the more I fixed them, I find more, fix more and find more, that’s when I realized I knew I know a lot of knowledge and I can help a lot of people. But I realized I was digging myself into a hole of unsatisfied anxiety, depression, hatred, through the, Personal Growth Movement. Because I just found that I was still broken.
Then I would go into judgment and say I should feel better. I’m doing all these, personal growth tools, and affirmations and all this stuff. But it was judgment because I didn’t feel better. I felt like I could get through stuff, but I had five more things in me that needed to be fixed. So that fixer in the builder just led me to more fixing and builder and what I realized is self-acceptance is enlightenment.
Why hiring an assistant is setting realtors up for success
Myrna: Yeah, you got so many nuggets in there. I got to remember which ones I want to circle back to. Okay. All right. Let me take let me let me test my memory here. So, the first thing I want to circle back on was and you hired an assistant right away. A lot of, real estate agents, wouldn’t understand that because we know in, real estate, you don’t make enough money to hire and assistant when you just get started. I interviewed a guy a couple months ago on the on the show and he became a top, commercial Realtor, in in San Francisco. And he was talking that for the first two years he didn’t get a paycheck because of course he was working on big deals.
We know as, Realtors, when you come in, you don’t always get the 10 deals a month. You get a little bit of money. And you’re not thinking of hiring someone. You said you went in and immediately hired someone because you understood sales.
Ben: I hired an assistant because I was planning to be successful. Are you planning to fail?
Myrna: Yeah, exactly. That’s a good tagline. You know, don’t plan to fail, you know, set your business up for success.
Ben: I’m dealing with hiring an assistant, it’s my secret way to get to find out where you psychologically create emotional friction. So, watch this. Hey, why don’t you hire an assistant? Well, I don’t have money or time. I don’t know what to do. Hold on. That’s all emotional friction. Let me change your thinking for some of the people on the show right now that have a business or anything. I’ll just do it really quickly.
Can you afford $20 a week? Of course, you can. So, what we need to do is not go to the black belt hire, I gotta get you to hire well white belt, because I need you to get a psychological win. I want for you to become a CEO or a boss. The learning curve is way too high. But if I can get someone to manage your birthday system to make sure that you send a birthday card to every single client, I call that project hiring. You can practice being a boss and the cost is 20 bucks, one hour a week. It’s the only mindset first, real estate coaching, in the world. It’s called the Richest Real Estate Agent Facebook group.
Myrna: Okay, I love that. I will definitely join that. But you know in my defense, I focus a lot on my time on my podcast. Explain what you mean by the, inner game?
Ben: The, inner game, it’s the relationship with yourself. When you wake up in the morning, how do you feel? It’s your, emotional intelligence. Let’s talk about, people pleasers. If you’re a, people pleaser, you are extremely selfish person. I can speak about it because I got the medal of honor. And so, here’s the thing, let’s play this game with the readers and even ourselves. If someone says something like this, “You let me down.” If you can really take a second, close your eyes and think about how that would make you feel with someone that mattered. People pleasers, only please the people that matter.
Myrna: I would feel pretty bad. I would feel that I let you down and since I’m a caring person, that would bother me.
Ben: Correct, you have this internal energy this chaos that says, I don’t like this feeling that I get when someone lets me down. By the way I can manipulate anybody with that right now. All I got to do is say you let me down and I can pull the strings on people, that’s manipulation. So, if you just be very careful, miss everyone wants to be an independent man, independent woman. Great. So, if you’re a, people pleaser, super easy to control. FYI. That’s how you give your power away. Second thing is this, if you are people pleasing, you act as if it’s about the other person. And it’s such a lie, because all I want is that feeling to go away.
So, I got to make sure you’re not upset with me. That has nothing to do with the, is all about making sure I don’t feel those emotions. Because it makes me feel bad. So, who are you really pleasing? Yourself. How do you like when someone says I’m doing something for you, but they’re not using you so really, as a, people pleaser, you use people. No wonder there’s no real deep connection.
Myrna: That’s true. That’s a different way of looking at it. That’s a different spin. Tell us about the 16 Psychological languages.
Ben: we’re born with 16 personality types and we all are the same human. There are 16 through the study of 100 years of psychology, there’s 16 combinations of personality. So, when we say that’s just my personality, you’re all personalities you just haven’t visited say the organizing person, you’re more of a winged person or you’re more of a detailed person, you’re more of this, so forth. So, this is years and years of studying humans is understanding myself as being my obsession, and now I understand the people and I’ll give you an example.
Let’s just do a practical example on a language understanding human language. So, let’s say that, you’re a real estate agent, and you go into a house, let’s say I’m brand-new, real estate agent. I sit down and the client askes me, so how long you’ve been in the business, I’m thinking who says that? What if I’m brand new, you know? I’m gonna feel terrible.
And so here’s the thing. I look at a guy like that. And so, speaking his language, he has the balls to hit me with a bat. That is a test on my credibility. Okay, we have to understand that we can stop being so self-centered, and observe how people talk to us. Here’s the trick. Here’s some tactical training. The guy says, how long you been in the business? You have to hit him with a sarcastic hit and you got to be direct, or you’ll lose the guy’s credibility. That’s understanding his language.
So, I would say, you know what? I’ve only been in the business under a year. And I might not be your, real estate agent. Then I’d say to him, I’d say, but I do know someone 40 years in the business, her name’s Betty. She has a walker. If that’s how you’re going to choose, let me give you her your number right now. And then guess what he says, I like this guy. I want to hire him. Because sarcasm is the language of the logical, but then later, they become loyal.
Myrna: So you’re really pretty confident to do that. That’s pretty good.
Ben: In my course I teach the psychology of all the languages and when someone teaches sales training, I think it’s manipulative. What I do is it’s like, I look at human connection.
So there’s building connection and rapport through tactics or authenticity, and then one is rich, but people pleasing one is real. Like if I really understand you, I’ll probably find out what makes you tick. What’s your nostalgic value? That’s what I think of when I meet a client. So, this isn’t this isn’t mirroring, its building rapport. This is truly at a psychological level, making a connection.
Myrna: Tell us about your podcast is called the, Inner Game.
Ben: I am no longer doing the, Inner Game, Podcast. We’re all in on bringing mindset and personal growth and business mindset versus worker mindset to, real estate. And so, I’m focused 100% of that in my podcast is called “The, Richest Real Estate Agent. The other thing is I have a book coming out called the real “The richest real estate agent: how to build a seven-figure business without sacrificing your relationships.” It’s the first mindset book for, real estate agents, with full tactical training. Never ever has this been combined. We’re going to be going after the, inner game, for, real estate agents, and that’s our focus.
And so that’s the book, the podcast and our group on Facebook is all The, Richest Real Estate Agent. I also run, personal growth, retreats that I do that once a year for people that want to bring up their teams or whatever, and I take them on a three-day kind of off grid or adventure retreats. And that’s three days I can’t even compare to the effectiveness of what three days away on one of my retreats does for the for the head and the heart. All these information can be found on my website www.benoosterveld.com
The late, Kevin Samuels, controversially said that, Black women, over 35 cannot get a man because any, high value man, could get a younger woman.
The gist of his message was that women over 35 who are single with children are like used cars. Top quality men don’t want them since they they are, low value, and the, high value man, have options and they exercise these options for younger women with no children and baby daddy drama.
So here in lies the dilemma. Even though women were calling, Kevin Samuels, a scum bag, he had a huge following of men because they knew he was talking truth. These so called, high value men, were willing to rip into a man of God Dr. Jamal Bryant, senior pastor at New Birth in Atlanta, in defense of, Kevin Samuels.
It is true that, black women, over 35 are looking for the, high value man, and men over 35 are looking for younger women? How do we know this is true? The reason I know this is true is because everyone is looking and nobody is finding love, because love is not about hair, booty, breasts or skin color. Love is about chemistry, it is an energy.
So, ladies my, dating advice, to you is you must age like fine wine, you have much more to offer a man and you need to let him see this. You have experience.
Remember that relationship you walked out of in your 20ths, now you realize that it was the best relationship you ever had. There is a lesson in every failure.
So now that you are 35+ and single; what have you learned about men? What I have learned is that the, high value man, would sleep with the 35+, black woman, with the good hair and the booty, but they look for more in the woman they marry.
So, while you are sitting on the shelf, make yourself ready for your husband. You have to become, wife material.
6 ways to become wife material
Learn to speak on a variety of topics, men are no longer attracted to the dumb pretty woman anymore.
Learn the rules of basketball and football. Most men like sports so, you must learn to like them as well, so he doesn’t have to go out with the boys to watch the game. He could watch it with his woman.
Learn to cook dinner for two. A man wants to marry a woman who can cook.
Get a gym membership, men like to hold muscles not fat.
Learn to control your tongue, sometimes silence is the best answer.
Learn to build up a man and not tear him down. Life and death are in the tongue, speak life into your man. Encourage him, listen to him, support him.
I listened to, Kevin Samuels, most famous video. This video had 3M views and over 3K comments when I watched it months ago! Kevin Samuels, was speaking to a woman who was 35 had a 13-year-old son and was making 6 figures. She said she wanted a, high value man, who made 6 figures because when she dates men below her pay grade, she gets idiots.
Kevin Samuels, asked her from a scale of 1 to 10 where would she fall and she said 6. He then told her that, high value men, who make 6 figures are in the top 10% of all men and have options. They are not looking for an average, black woman, 35+ with a 13-year-old son.
He is correct, they are not looking for you, but if you age like fine wine and prepare yourself while you’re fermenting, they will take a sip of you and become intoxicated.
Black women prepare yourself to become a high value woman
The other thing I have learned is it may have been a long time since you have been held by a man and you can’t wait to jump into bed; don’t do it. A man must respect the woman he marries. Don’t sleep with him until he calls you his girlfriend and you are sure he is not married!
There is a dilemma for, black women, over 35 who are single with children, but finding love is not impossible. I got married at 46 with a 16-year-old daughter. The chemistry was right and I was prepared. So don’t let anyone tell you, you have no value and that you are like a used car. Antiques cars are more valuable than new cars. You have wisdom, skills, and know how to treat and keep a man.
Conclusion
Hope this helps someone.
You have been listening to 5 mins with coach Myrna, I want to invite you to join my Facebook group called Lifecoach, for inspiration throughout the week. Until next time Namaste
In this 21 Day, money mindset, Challenge we help people identify all of the, money beliefs, getting in their way and then shift them into different, beliefs, that are supportive of building wealth and abundance and joy with, money. And then beyond that, to building the structures that really lead towards financial success.
A gang of armed men broke into Chana Mason’s childhood home in Bogota, Colombia, And held her family hostage. Her family miraculously fled to Miami, but 5-years-old Chana’s sense of safety was decimated. Two decades later, Chana still dealt with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. To heal herself, she dove into a journey to rediscover her peace and joy. She’s learned from the world’s top experts on the human mind and uses her gift for turning complex ideas into easy-to-access tools for transformation.
Through her straight talk, open heart, and addictive joy, Chana helps thousands clarify their vision, shift beliefs getting in their way, and manifest their dreams. Chana lives with her family in the funky Nachlaot neighborhood of Jerusalem and works with individuals and communities around the world.
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Byron Katie’s book The Work as the foundation for shifting mindset
I love Byron Katie’s book, “The Work” I follow her work so, and I started doing some of those exercises or tools. So, I know what you’re talking about in your book “Hold That Thought”. From your bio, you said that because you had, PTSD, so you started to, to train with a top world expert. So can you bridge the gap for us, how your, childhood trauma, turned into you becoming a coach and a teacher and how you used Byron Katie’s book, “The Work” as the foundation of one of your tools.
Chana: I was constantly in search of things that would help me stop having, anxiety and depression, and one of the things that I experienced which I kind of thought I was the only person in the world who had this because we have a tendency to be very lonely in our suffering and not talk about it.
I would have the worst, anxiety images, I would picture the most horrific things happening all the time. In my mind, I tend to picture things rather than have words as much. And so, as I walk off a bus, I pictured myself tripping off the bus and getting run over or I trip on the sidewalk and I would imagine my head bashing the sidewalk and blood and guts everywhere.
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Our thoughts are malleable
Those types of images were flooding my mind all the time, in addition because of the kidnap threat when I was a kid, I was constantly being scared of people on the street thinking I was gonna get kidnapped or thinking I was gonna get raped. All of that stuff, didn’t respond at all to therapy. So, for years, I tried going to different therapists. Eventually I started learning about the concept that our thoughts are within our control and, thoughts, are malleable, but I didn’t really have clear tools for how to shift those, thoughts, and I kept getting stuck.
Eventually, I found some really phenomenal coaches and healers; but there was something about Byron Katie’s material that just really struck a chord. I was introduced to “The Works” as a process for inquiry. So, The Works, and the option process and other tools for inquiry also. Their goal is to help you ask questions. When you’re facilitating someone else, you ask them questions that help the subconscious to bring up all of the answers and all of the beliefs and all of the rationale that we’ve been using to drive our behavior. Sometimes just seeing it on the surface makes us look at it and be like wait, that doesn’t make any sense.
You know, so for example, a lot of people think that the best way to lose weight is believing that they should lose weight. My experience is that the belief that I should lose weight makes people want to eat more and exercise less. And so as soon as they see how they react to that belief, they realize, wait, this belief isn’t working for me, even though I thought it would help me get to where I want to go.
Eventually, I wanted to help people to this theory clearly a journal work. So just came out with a new book, which I didn’t even get to tell you about because it just came out. It’s called “Inner Voices.”
Also, in “Hold That Thought” people get a free taste of “Inner Voices” at the end of the book.
Myrna: When I was reading “The Works” I used the inquiry for my, beliefs, regarding my husband. Married people have conflict over certain different things so this was helpful for me. I loved the inquiry, is that true? How do you know that’s true? So, how did you use that book specifically to get rid of your, anxiety images?
Chana: So for me, the purpose of inquiry is to question our thinking. For some people thinking manifests as words. And for other people it manifests as pictures. But what’s cool about a picture is that it’s not just one belief. Usually a picture, is a container for lots and lots of, beliefs. So, if you’re picturing yourself, God forbid, driving off the road, there’s a lot of, beliefs, in there.
Not safe when I’m driving.
The world is not a safe place.
I can’t trust myself on the road.
I can’t trust other drivers on the road.
I’m going to die.
I’m going to die in a painful way.
I’m going to die right now.
Asking is it true to shift your mindset
Think about how many things come up. And so, if you can just sit and think about what are the, beliefs, that are embedded in these, anxiety images? I want for your audience to really understand what inquiry is so I can give you a simple example. There was one time that I was in Heathrow Airport, sort of transitioning via London to the United States from Israel. And Heathrow Airport is huge, it’s like a mall, and there’s a point when you walk through it, it’s like walking through the perfume section of a mall. And I saw this huge poster image advertisement of a scantily clad model standing next to a bottle of perfume.
The only thing at the bottom of what brands it was the brand of the perfume, but there were no words on this marketing. This was a big poster. And yet when I looked at it, I noticed that my stomach started to turn. So, for me, the thing that drives me to question my thinking is my emotional state. And my emotional state is a combination of just straight up emotions like anger or sadness, and physiological experiences because we feel emotions inside of our bodies. So, for me, my stomach started to turn and I started to feel a little bit sad and worthless. And so immediately I knew there’s something happening in me from this poster. This poster was telling a story, and that story wasn’t feeling good.
I immediately knew to ask myself the question, Is this true? And as soon as I answered this is not true, my stomach was no longer in knots. I was able to shift my, mindset.
Myrna: So how do you help clients shift their, limiting beliefs, and manifest their dreams? We know that we can use the tools that we’ve been talking about to question how we’re feeling, question our, belief system, and so on, but how could we use it for you to shift your, limiting beliefs, and manifest your dreams?
Chana: One of the things I do as a coach is I help people clarify a vision for what it is they want to do with their lives. You know, they may want to build a business, want to increase their sales in real estate. I have a number of realtors that I work with. They may want to lose weight, it really just depends.
Everybody’s a little bit different. But particularly for my business clients, actually, it’s true even for somebody wanting to lose weight. What tends to happen is that they have a vision. There’s something they want, they know it’s a clear manifestation of their life’s purpose, and would give them a tremendous amount of meaning.
Yet, they can’t seem to get themselves to do it. They keep bumping into all sorts of obstacles along the way. And for that, I created a tool I called the, obstacle course. So, this is where I tend to use the tools of inquiry that I’ve gotten from others and create tools that help people. Let’s say that you want to be 20 pounds lighter. So, I have a client who’s in that situation right now. She wants to be 20 pounds lighter.
Myrna: Well, in your book I thought it was interesting this guy, I think he was a Potter or something and he was saying that he could never be successful as a Potter and you used the, obstacle course, to help him shift his, mindset, and remove his, financial baggage.
Chana: So that’s a perfect sample. He had this vision of living out in the country and not living in the city and being professionally a Potter and actually making a living as a Potter. Being able to sustain a family that way. But it seemed so pie in the sky and impossible in his eyes. So, I asked him to do this, obstacle course. What are all the reasons why it’s impossible? And for most of us who are visual, it really helps to actually see these, obstacles and remove our, financial baggage.
Everyone comes up with different things, I asked them to envision this dream they have as being someone in the distance in front of them like let’s say it’s right here. Then I asked them between here and the vision they have, what do they see? And one client said they see shards of glass and other person says they see clouds and other person says the image itself is a black and white, they don’t see any color, all sorts of things like that, right?
So, for this guy, the obstacles between himself and the vision is the opportunity to speak. I said, okay, what are the shards of glass or what are the clouds have to say? And he said, It’s impossible. I can’t do it. I couldn’t possibly make enough money to support a family, you know, all these different, beliefs. And he listed about 13 obstacles along with their, financial baggage. Then we have to do the inquiry and ask him “Is this true” and then get him to do a, turnaround to shift his, mindset, and unload his, financial baggage.
It’s a lot. What’s really cool is that for most of us the, beliefs, that are driving our lives and driving our behavior, are resting in the, subconscious mind. We’re just not aware that they’re there. And all we have to do is ask a question, like, what are those, obstacles, have to say or what am I believing right now? This making me feel this way? And it’s just amazing. Our, subconscious mind, loves to follow orders. If we ask good questions, we get good answers.
So, if I ask, what am I believing right now the, subconscious mind, is like oh, you want to know your, beliefs. Here they are. They were all sitting under this consciousness, so we talked about money, for example, for most people, what keeps them from manifesting wealth and abundance? They have all of these, money beliefs, and for almost all of us our, money beliefs, are very deeply hidden in the, subconscious mind.
For two reasons. One is we got our, money beliefs, early from our family when we were kids. And the other is, money, is taboo. So, we have, money beliefs, but we don’t know what they are. It’s like for people for whom your body is taboo.
If God forbid, they ever get abused, well, if you don’t know you have a penis. How do you tell someone that it got touched? So, in the same way, if you’re not allowed to talk about, money, and, money, is this taboo thing? When things aren’t going well with, money, you don’t even have the language to talk about debt or stress or credit cards or building wealth or investments.
If you don’t even have the language, you don’t have the vocabulary for that. So, for this guy, once he was able to identify thoughts, then we could use all of the tools from inquiry from the auction process to, neuro linguistic programming, to The Works, to be able to address what he was doing.
Myrna: He must have thought that the only way that you can be successful is if maybe you’re an accountant or professional or maybe his parents told him that a Potter is not a real job. I know about the, money mindset, because we grew up poor. You have a, money mindset, when you hear your parents or grandparents, say things like “money don’t grow on trees” or, “money is the root of all evil.”
So, you’ve got it on both ends. So that’s basically your, belief system. That is a great segue into what we want to talk about today, removing your financial baggage. Tell us about your 21 day, money mindset, challenge.
Chana: Yeah, I actually really want to focus on this thing of money doesn’t grow on trees, because we have this 21 Day Challenge that helps people identify all of the, money beliefs, getting in their way and then shift them into different, beliefs, that are supportive of building wealth and abundance and joy with, money. And then beyond that, to building the structures that really lead towards financial success.
And one of the things that my husband and I decided to do in the, money mindset, challenge is that every single day, every single lesson has a story because we find that stories how we learn and particularly with, beliefs, stories are how we created our, beliefs. You know, your five-year-old Myrna is looking around and she’s seeing how people are behaving right. She’s living a story, and then she comes up with a whole collection of conclusions about what’s true about the world. And some of those conclusions literally came out of people’s mouths, but not always.
For example, two people could get divorced and a kid says, oh, my daddy doesn’t love me. That’s why he left. Even though Daddy never said that. There’s no indication of that. Right? And it’s probably the opposite of why it’s true. Because Daddy loved the kid, he stayed longer than maybe he would have otherwise. There’s just such a different collection of stories that kids can create. So, one of the stories that I use repeatedly with students to help them shift is to actually see that money does quite specifically grow on trees.
Myrna: I think ask you those questions. Is that true? What are the other questions? Do you go through in “The Works? Is that how you do them to shift their, mindset?
Chana: So, so there are a few questions that I ask. So, let’s say you’re believing. I’m not talented enough to start my own business. Okay, so you and I deal with people who believe that all the time I’m not trying to start my own business. So, one stream of questions could be doing “The Work of Byron Katie”,
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought? You see what that thought does to you emotionally, physiologically, behaviorally, you notice that if I believe I’m not talented enough to start my own business, my body shrinks. I get really tight.
Personally, for me I want to crawl under the covers and hide. I’m much less social and under those circumstances, I literally can’t start my own business. I can’t do anything even remotely creative or audacious, well, unbelieving, that thought. So, the thought actually creates that reality. And isn’t that convenient, right? One of the things that I can ask myself was also, is how do I benefit from believing that thought?
One benefit I get is that I can sit on the couch and drink beer and watch movies. It’s like, because I’m not talented enough, which is beyond my control, right? It’s not like oh, I’m going to work on my talent.
So, me as an author, my husband is also an author. We read books about writing books, and we take courses from authors and these work on our craft. We didn’t used to be talented enough to write great books, but we are now working really hard, and hopefully it will be a lot better a decade from now. But to say I’m not talented enough to start my own business is sort of saying like, it’s like a flatline and it means I don’t even have to try. It’s much more convenient to sit on the couch and eat ice cream.
The key part of Byron Katie’s process is doing what she calls, turnarounds, where you take the original statement, and you say it’s opposite. So, you say “I am talented enough to start my own business.” I’m talented enough to learn. I’m talented enough to ask questions. I’m talented enough to seek mentors. I’m talented enough at the one thing I know how to do, and I could outsource other pieces that I don’t know how to do, where I’m not particularly talented.
So those would be me giving reasons why this new perspective is true. And every time I give a reason why the new perspective is true. I’m literally rewiring my brain into a different perspective and detaching from the old perspective. And the more I do that, the more I train my mind to question everything. And so, there’s something really powerful about questioning absolutely every single thing you see. So, so in our, money mindset, challenge, we teach a number of different tools to help people shift their, beliefs.
One of the tools we teach is “The Works.” We teach a bunch of other tools. Another one of them is simply choosing to disentangle two concepts that you’ve glued together. For example, often when we’re working with someone in financial coaching I will ask, please complete the following sentence. Rich people are ……… And often people will say things like greedy, selfish, slimy, evil, you know, out to get us, etc.
Myrna: Yes, they hear their parents saying those things.
Chana: Right, they have all of these different, beliefs. And what’s really cool is you have a few options of what you can do with let’s say, rich people are evil. Okay. You can ask yourself, are there times that you’ve met rich people who are good or generous?
Then list examples of wealthy people you know, who are particularly generous, and every single time all of a sudden the person is like, oh, yeah, you know, there’s this guy in my community, and he’s always taking care of everyone. And whenever anybody is in need, they can just go to him and he’ll get some cash very quietly, secretly under the table.
And oh, yeah. And you know, my church wouldn’t stand if it wasn’t for these two women who are really rocking entrepreneurs, and they just they support the entire church and they do it so quietly, and oh, yeah, you know that big philanthropist, he’s just giving money away all the time.
If they say poor people are good, so you can ask them have you ever met a poor person who’s evil and you’re like, oh, yeah, you know, there’s this guy and it’s like, okay, well, let’s look at the vast majority of people who get arrested for theft, are they are rich people are people? The only thing you know for sure is that they’re rich. And they are people, right?
Myrna; Right, Rich people are rich, no extra labels!
Why do you believe what you do?
Chana: Another really cool thing that comes from the auction process is a question I really like. It’s why do you believe that?
Myrna: I’m sure a lot of people that can’t answer that.
Chana: It’s shocking how much the, subconscious mind, will give you an answer to these questions. We teach you other tools on how to take those thoughts and turn them into thoughts that support you. And then and then in the third week, we teach you financial principles and, and understandings of how, money, works so that you can really start moving more towards a positive supportive, money mindset.
Myrna: How can listeners connected with you and learn more about your 21 day challenge and, plus get a copy of your book?
Chana: My personal website is www.chanamason.com you can access my books @ Chanamason.com/books. Most of the books, are available as free downloads. I wrote a book together with my husband called “The Cash Machine.” It’s all about how to develop financial independence, but it’s a novel. It’s a love story. It’s like a really fun page turner. And we have another book about how to manifest your dreams called “The Size of Your Dreams,” which is also a novel, but also, personal growth, tools. And “Hold That Thought” that you mentioned and “In Our Voices,” are my 2 newest books. So people can go to that page and access any of those books and our, money challenge, they can access on My Courses page on my website, or they can go to www.moneymindsetmadness.com
The first step is to find your passion. This is where you find that you can be in it all day long and you don’t feel tired and you don’t feel bored and you’re just illuminated and just joyful and and it’s a great way to live your life. You know when you live a passionless life just because you’re making money does not mean that you are living with passion.
Let me share a personal story. My daughter Keshia Morris Desir always felt that she was supposed to be a Psychologist, getting her degree and everything. Along that journey she read Nelson’s Mandela’s book “A long walk to freedom” and decided that she needed to become a political advocate and she just switched right away. She applied and got into American University, the top political science university with no background in politics.
Today she’s working for a company right next door to the White House, and doing some great great work at Common Cause.
I didn’t even think about that until right now and that’s what I like about the Holy Spirit or of my Higher Self
things pop into my head. It is also an example of leaning your ladder up against the wrong building!
My next question is a follow-up to the first and it is do you agree that we’re all meant to do a certain thing on this earth? And what is your advice to, Millennial, on finding their, purpose? How Can, Millennials, Find Their, Purpose?
Let’s say using my daughter story that she didn’t know what her, purpose, was as a, millennial. She went to school and maybe felt psychology was a job that can make her money that’s where a lot of, Millennials, Park right? So what advice do you give them?
To answer your first question in terms of do I think we’re all here to do something, yes I definitely believe that we individually are all here to bring some value or offer something back to the world. I believe some of us it takes longer than others but; I do believe we are all here to accomplish something and I think we probably give different weight to what we accomplish. Just because what you believe it is something small it can be transformational to somebody else. In terms of what I believe, Millennials, can do in terms of finding their, purpose, I actually think it starts with a very simple concept and that is honestly taking time to think and to plan and I think. When we sit back and you when you look at your life if you plan it with the level of detail that you plan for example a vacation you’d be surprised about you know how much how differently you might view things.
I recommend taking one hour a week to evaluate where you are and where you want to go.
The timeline might be where I want to go this week, it might be where I want to go in the next year, in the next two years or five years from now. Whatever time period I feel I need to think about it and plan for at that time for example if you’re thinking, I hate my job, it’s not fulfilling this is not my, purpose. Then you know think about what would make you feel more purposeful? What are the types of positions or jobs that you would like to be in? And then what are the steps that you need to take to get there. Do you need to you know go back to school? Do you need to join a networking group?
My daughter came to me one day and said that she wants to become a politician and I look at her this sweet innocent person that had no politician skills or natural talents and I said to her
“How do you get there how do you get from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow?”
As her coach we planned it
Toastmasters and learn how to speak in front of people,
school for political science,
volunteer so she can get some political experience and things like that so yeah and you got to make a
plan and the beautiful thing about it you know is that it might feel far-fetched but you never know if it’s really your purpose the universe, God will step in and help you get there. That’s why when my daughter applied to American University she said she only had a 30% chance of being accepted. She said I’ll apply there’s no hope that I’m gonna get in and guess what she got in because she’s on, purpose, because God helps you if you are on, purpose!
Don’t ever think that anything is too big for God.
Les Brown says reach for the the stars, you might fallback on the moon!
I agree. One of my favorite quotes is
If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough.
You have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable and that’s really I think when you accept that, it will help you in finding your, purpose.
Especially if you’re not currently living what you believe to be your, purpose. I like that one I mean you talked.
about it before you must really live by that and it’s very true you know when my daughter went to Washington she was incredibly uncomfortable, she was in a city that she didn’t know anyone, she was going into something that she didn’t
know anything about and it was uncomfortable and that’s only way you grow.
Alright so and this is coming from your book, you’ve got a chapter in your book about your giving advice and strategies and how, Millennials, can achieve their goals in the workplace; but I like the word hustle that you used to describe this. You advise to hustle to get what you want in this world. I think when you hustle you have to you have to be hungry you have to really want it. You have to be motivated and so I think to your point earlier, when it’s something that you truly want and you feel passionate about or you really wanted to achieve the hustle actually comes fairly easy at least in the
beginning because you know you most likely will accept that challenge and want to go after it. Where it becomes a challenging, I would say is consistently hustling, always having that thirst, that hunger to push yourself further and
that sometimes can be where we tend to fall off. That’s human nature, you have to learn to hold yourself accountable and to make sure that you are you’re hitting your own personal benchmarks and hitting your own personal goals. And so a good way to keep the hustle mentality I would say is to make sure that you have measurable things that you want to do and so that way you’ve got a way to check yourself.
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What do you have in your hand? God used the staff Moses had in his hand to help his achieve his purpose.
