How Women Get a Seat at the Table

black women get a seat at the table

Women are you invisible in the boardroom and have no say? Do men listen when you speak? If the answer is no, then find out how to get, a seat at the table.

In this episode I interview Kimberley Bussey Lewis, Author of , A Seat At The Table, Or Part Of The Meal: Creating A Culture Of Diversity

How did you come to become passionate about, diversity and inclusion, for, women of color?

How to Get a Seat at The Table

I first really started thinking about, a seat at the table,  when I was a very young reporter in Charleston, South Carolina.  I was the only female reporter at the time within this 600 person company.  And what I was struck by is that there were so many decisions that were being made that we would complain about; but none of us had, a seat at the table, to help make those decisions.

I realized that if I didn’t have a place in the room that I was both invisible and silent; so it didn’t matter how much I complained or how much I didn’t like what was going on or simply just didn’t understand it because I was not part of the discussion; I needed, a seat at the table.

So that’s where my passion for, diversity and inclusion, was born.

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CNN wrote a column on getting, a seat at the table, for women. They were discussing congresswoman Harris, basically what they’re saying was that women are invisible and they have no say.  When they speak no one listens.  So I understand what you are saying.

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What happens when there is no seat at the table

I stayed in that company as a reporter without, a seat at the table, about 12 years.  It took me that long to get that awakening.  Sometimes we think that we are fortunate to have a job so we don’t want to stir the pot.  I just increasingly became more and more of a little rebel challenging the status quo. Eventually I left  and ventured out to write my first book.   I was scared to death.  Because here I am I’m going to write a book, I’m going to leave my job.  I took a leave of absence to write the book;  but it was really a step of faith and in writing the book and doing the research.

I became energized when I interviewed older relatives, my mother and great-aunt who were already in their 80s and 90s at the time. I  became energized by their tenacity as, Black women. I knew that we had a lot of strong men in my family, but my eyes are really flew open at the strength of the, black women, and how they held businesses up,  they held a family up and the men of the family up, and brought us all together.

I stumbled into the nonprofit arena by my volunteer work. I was volunteering and working on writing the  book and one thing led to another.  I got to a small job at an organization that was run by a, black woman, who became my mentor.  She took me under her wing and even though I was  just volunteering she taught me so much about strength and tenacity and making your voice count.

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Diversity and Inclusion for Women of Color

Her company was called Family Assistance Management Services

And she was the first black female insurance broker in SC. She had been a full time teacher before she built quite a nest egg with her husband. They owned several pieces of property in Charleston SC. She then became a broker and started several businesses, an insurance company, a computer training clinic all kinds of other businesses, because she had a passion for helping people.

You got your feet wet on the nonprofit arena and but it sounds like you have, a seat at the table, at Goodwill Industries. Why you write the book, “A Seat at the Table or a part of the meal?”

I was born in September 1964 a month after the discrimination Act, and my parents had not long moved to Charleston, SC. All of my siblings, I  have one brother and two sisters, they had all been born at home in the country by a midwife so since it was now illegal for place public places to discriminate my father thought, well I will take my wife to this nice Hospital for my fourth child to be born.  So my mother was in labor he rushes her down to this hospital the Medical University of South Carolina and by this time she’d begun to hemorrhage as I was a breech baby.

It was pouring down rain and he got my mom into the emergency area into the lobby and he started screaming for the doctors to come and help they turned looked at them and turned their backs right away.  All the white doctors and nurses ignored them, so he ran up to them and screamed my wife is bleeding you got to help her and someone told him to just sit down we’ll get to you.

So he scooped her up, put her in a wheelchair and ran with her down the street to the black Hospital. McLennan banks Hospital in the pouring rain with my mom gripping for life on that wheelchair.  He pushed her up into the emergency area and as soon as they saw that she was drenched in blood they rushed her into the emergency room and delivered me.  The doctor who delivered me was a, woman of color, from  South Africa and he named me Kimberly after the Kimberly diamond mines.

Black Women are born to be at the table

It sounds like you were born in to do this work!

I was tried of being the only, Black woman, in the room. I felt we as, Black women, have to do something to get , a seat at the table. If anyone was going to wave that flag of, diversity and inclusion, equity and of, diversity, it should be Goodwill Industries. So it really began then.  We started a task force with a group of CEOs and started to study, diversity and inclusion, and equity programs with fortune 500 companies and fortune 100 companies and other nonprofit organizations. We studied who was doing it well, what were they looking at, what were the metrics and how do you build that diverse pipeline.  We came up an implementation plan.

We were really intentional about attracting, maintaining and keeping a, diversity, workforce.  Whether it is individuals who are Hispanic or individuals who African-American or LGTBQ or disabled.  We recognize that all of that build a table of, diversity.

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The first time that I heard the phrase, a seat at the table, was from one of my coaching clients and I’ve heard it several times since. I heard Gabrielle Union say it that she’s just gonna make her own table because you know the black actresses in Hollywood are still working to, get a seat at the table.  They go through the same discrimination with, diversity and inclusion.  It’s not just in Corporate America or in the board rooms.

Women of Color getting a seat at the table

Kimberly you have, a seat at the table,  what advice would you give to women who are hitting the glass ceiling and get, no seat at the table.

African-American women unfortunately have been absent from the room!  We have not even been invited into the room much less have, a seat at the table, for quite some time.  Women in general have been hitting the glass ceiling for quite a long time.  I’ve heard that men are hired based on what their hiring manager or that supervisor thinks that they can do while women are hired or promoted based on performance.  it is that way because the majority of the, seats at the table, are already held by men.  Predominantly white males and they look for men who look like act like they came from where they come from.

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Black women in order to get, a seat at the table,  have to do 3 things:

  1. They have to network. It’s all about relationships. Else there is, no seat at the table. Everything that you do is about relationships and it’s about networking.  If you didn’t grow up playing golf, learn.  Go around places and do things that make you feel uncomfortable. But you must be part of the conversation. Go to the theater,  go to the Opera, you could serve as an usher and get free tickets.
  2. Get a mentor – All women should have a mentor.
  3. Get a Sponsor – a sponsor and a mentor are two different people. A mentor is someone that you can talk to about your fears and your aspirations. A mentor can give you sound advice and can talk you through some of the issues that you’re having and help you create a plan a plan of attack.

A sponsor on the other hand is going to be that person who’s going to make sure that you’re invited to that meeting.  They’re going to take you under their wing.  They’re going to make sure that there’s a place for you in the conversation and that there is, diversity and inclusion, that you are a part of the discussion. Sponsors are usually white males.

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Book: Seat at the table

Have you ever wished that you had the information to elevate the conversation at work on how to build a culture of diversity, equity and inclusion?  Well, now you do; with my newly published book A Seat At The Table or Part of the Meal, by Kimberly Bussey Lewis.  This book will give you examples of intentional efforts that will level the playing field and yield dividends for your career and your company. The book can be found on Amazon – A Seat at the Table Or Part of the Meal, by Kimberly Bussey Lewis or on www.motivationalmuse.com, so get your copy today and your seat at the table.

 

Additional Resources, A Seat at the Table

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-transform-your-career-with-purpose/

How to Ask for a Raise or Anything you Want in Life.

What are the, Secrets to Success,? Here are my 10 Secrets

https://www.demos.org/research/taking-our-seat-table-black-women-overcoming-social-exclusion-politics#Black-Women%E2%80%99s-Leadership:-Making-a-Way-out-of-No-Way

https://www.talentintelligence.com/blog/bid/377611/inclusion-and-the-benefits-of-diversity-in-the-workplace

 

How to Find your Soul Mate or Twin Flame

soulmate vs twin flame

Are you a single woman hoping to, find your soul mate?  What about your, twin flame, who is your mirror, soul. Science says that when you meet your  Life partner, some thing magical happens. In this blog we look at what happens when two, souls, with constructive energies meet?

Listen to the full interview here:

In our last episode my co-host and I looked at what, single women, need to do to get their house ready for love, where to look for love and what to look for when you are starting over after divorce or death of a partner.

If you missed that episode you can download it here: https://blog.myhelps.us/how-single-women-find-love/ or on iTunes ,iHeart radio or wherever you get your podcasts. 

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Today’s episode of the Transform your Mind Radio Hour is sponsored by  Columbus Financial Coach.  Are you in a deep hole of “Financial Depression” with nowhere to turn for help? Constantly being harassed by collection agencies? Then visit Columbus Financial and success coach. www.columbusfinancialcoach.com

Introduction

 How to, Find your Soul mate,  the Science of Attraction

In the last Blog post, I shared how I met my husband on a train. I am going to use this personal story to illustrate what happens when two strangers or, souls, meet for the first time.

As you may remember from Chemistry class, every atom and molecule gives out and absorbs light. The human body is made up of 50 trillion cells composed of atoms and molecules. So we are massive bundles of energy giving off and absorbing light or energy all the time.

When two energies come together they become entangled, the first step to, find your soul mate, is constructive energy.

When two energies are in harmony, the result is called, constructive energy, because it increases in size.  That is why you should grow as a person when you are in the right relationship.

We call this, “good vibes” very important when you are hoping to, find your soul mate. 

How Chemistry plays in finding your Soul Mate

So let’s look at what happened when I met my husband and our energies became constructive!

I walked onto a train and he was standing by the door. I looked fine, mini skirt, sunglasses, designer bag over my shoulder,  so I caught his attention. He caught my attention because he was the first black officer I had seen on the train.

On be known to me my second Chakra or energy center in charge of communication sent him a signal because he tells me he felt this warm feeling in his body. He had never felt that before. Let me put a pin here and explain.

Our bodies are made up of seven energy centers, called Chakras. Each of these energy centers are responsible for certain functions.  I know that my second Chakra located below my navel is my communication center and it is responsible for engaging a mate by sending out signals when it finds a compatible energy so you can, find your soul mate.

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Soul mate vs Twin flame

My husband could also be my, twin flame.  After 14 years of marriage, I do believe we are mirror souls. What Is A Twin Flame? Sometimes discussed in terms of a “mirror soul” or, soul connection, a, twin flame, is the other half of your, soul. It is theorized that a, soul, can split into two after ascending to a high frequency. Thereafter, the, soul, lands in two different bodies.

I must have also received something from my husband’s energy center as well because my thoughts lingered on him. I was curious. That was all that it was for me at that time. Curiosity. I was not actively looking to, find a  soul mate.

But I have heard men say that the first time they saw their wife they knew that she was the one. There is such  a thing as love at first sight! Have you heard Steve Harvey tell his story of when he met his wife and, how he found his, soul mate?.  I don’t think he was actively trying to, find your soul mate. But there she was. He was doing stand up comedy and she walked in late with her girlfriends, and he couldn’t stop staring at her.  In fact he couldn’t even continue his act.  He told her right then that she was going to be his wife! Believe in compatible energy, it is real.

Anyway, back to my story. Because our energies entangled and we both got, good vibes, we looked to further the communication.

The, Soul mate Connection, is Immediate

Another pin. That is why we shouldn’t chase men.  if you guys have, constructive energy, or, good vibes, they will reach out. We are hard wired to mate. It is all happening without our conscious thought. Your soul is looking for it’s, twin flame.

So my husband searched for me on the train every day until he found me. I noticed him sit behind me for a few mins while he got up the nerve to come talk to me. We talked for about 30 mins until I got off the train at my stop. I will confess that I was not impressed by the conversation. He cursed like a sailor. I think that men who curse in front of women have no respect; but when I got off the train my energy body told me that it had made a, soul connection.

I had this incredible feeling of euphoria!  My stomach was doing somersaults. I knew right then that we would have a relationship. I knew right then that I had found my, soul mate, This is how you, find your soulmate, you listen to your body.

Three months later he proposed we were married 8 months after. That was 13 years ago and we are still in love, compatible energies!

Soul mate Meaning

This is an example of the science of two, compatible energies, something we have no control over.  That is why you have heard people say we have no control over who we love. You can’t pick your, soul mate. The science of attraction brings him or her to you.

Your, soul mate meaning,  two souls joining together to perfect each other.

On the other hand when your energy is not in sync with other, we get, bad vibes, not your, soul mate.  The energy cancels each other out and instead of feeling euphoria you feel depleted.

Energy is your most important reading as a single woman looking for a mate. Ever heard the saying that someone is like an anchor, you can’t thrive since you met them.  Pay attention that means that you are not expanding, you are contracting or stuck.

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Illustration  the Science of, Attraction, the bad vibe

Rhonda met this great guy at a bar. The guy was gorgeous, absolutely delicious. He pursued and seduced her and they started, dating. They had a great time together but something didn’t click. He was kinda, sorta vague on his explanation about everything.

It took about three months of, dating, this guy for Rhonda to discover that he was still living with his daughter’s mother and another 6 months to understand that theirs was an on and off relationship. He would never under any circumstances spend the night, saying that he did not want his daughter to wake up and he was not there.  This reminds me of Whitney Houston’s married relationship in Waiting to Exhale!

This is when Rhonda realized that a married man is a married man.  They can string you along forever. They can tell you anything.  She decided to breakup.  The breakup was mutual but she wasted at least 2 years on a relationship that was going nowhere when if she had paid attention to her, bad vibes,  she could have saved herself from heartache.

Reading energy is the most important data in the, dating, world.

Be careful of Psychopaths while looking to, find your  Soul Mate

Have you ever met a psychopath? Or been in a relationship with one? They are masters at reading energy.

We are all broadcasting a frequency of our most innermost thoughts. That is how a predator picks out his prey.

  • That is how a mugger chooses his victim.
  • Animals also know how to read this energy.  A lion picks his prey from a flock. He reads the vibration of the weakest prey.

I am sure everyone on the planet is aware on some level of the Art Kelly crimes against teenage girls and women. How do you think he chose his victims?  Women who would allow him to disrespect their bodies and lock them up in a room and  have to ask to go to the bathroom and ask to eat?  Some said that he didn’t feed them for 3 days, yet they didn’t leave. As one of his victims said in an interview.  If you were weak minded, he wants you. You could be a teenager or a 30 year old woman!

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Science of, attraction,  reading vibrations when looking to, find your soul mate?

Synergistic relationships are based on both individuals being on the same wavelength, when they completely understand each other and don’t try to limit the space they occupy in each other’s lives.

I read an article that stated the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  The examples used was if you train two Belgian horses together, the effect is multiplied: together, they can pull 32,000 pounds. Two horses, doing the work of four, even though it seems to defy physics. Often, in a positive relationship, you’ll find that synergy is already happening.

How can you increase that by finding harmony, in acknowledging individual strengths and how they work best together?  For example, I love to shop; but I don’t necessarily like to cook all the time.  My husband, will send me a list of all the items to pick up the grocery store and he will cook.  I then just have to do keep the kitchen tidy and get the family read to enjoy his great cooking.  It works for both of us.

In regards to signs women should look out for in predators, Robert Hare, one of the world’s foremost experts on, psychopathic behavior, believes that people need to know what to do in the event they find themselves involved or associated with a predatory psychopath.

Here are his tips on How to Avoid being targeted by a predator when trying to, find your soulmate:

  1. Be careful of props—the winning smile, the promises, the fast talk, and the gifts meant to deflect you from the manipulation and exploitation that may be occurring. Any of these characteristics can have enormous sleight-of-hand value, serving to distract you.”
  2. Anyone who seems too perfect is. Psychopaths hide their dark sides until they get their target person deeply involved. Too much flattery, feigned kindness, and cracks in grandiose stories should provide clues and put you on your guard. Make reasonable inquiries.
  3. Know yourself—or you might be vulnerable from your blind spots. Predators know how to find and use your triggers, so the more you realize what you tend to fall for, the more closely you can guard against it.

 

The second stage in the Science of Attraction, is Chemistry

I know you have heard this word thrown around all the time. For example the dating sites match people up by common interests; but they can’t manufacture chemistry.

Let’s get back to my husband for a minute.

I just shared all about the our first meeting and about us having good vibes but if we had no chemistry we would just become good friends.

Here are the Chemicals released  by love that is responsible for Chemistry:

  • Dopamine – Lights up your pleasure center. Your pleasure goes up when you are near or think about this person. Your  motivation goes up, Now you are thinking of that nice house and 2 kids! Your sadness goes down, if you were depressed, you are now happy.

I know you have heard the saying love is blind. It is true. Dopamine make you more attractive to your mate and since we are on this planet to procreate, your sexuality goes up! I am sure you have heard or have personal data that new lovers do it all the time!

  • The second chemical that is released in love is Oxytocin  – Oxytocin is responsible for trust. Your level of trust goes up, and your attachment goes up. This is probably why your girlfriends can’t figure why you are going out with a player;  but you don’t see it until your heart is crushed. The psychopath uses this one to his advantage.
  • Finally Serotonin is released. – This hormone is responsible for all the pain attached to love. Serotonin goes up and you become obsessed with your lover. Love is a chemical addiction!

Thank God I have only had one experience with an over abundance of this hormone.

I met one of my boyfriends at a club and it was an instant attraction. I fell hard.  I swooned when he called me baby the next day!

Less than 2 months after we met, we made plans to spend the New Year in Jamaica.  He left before Christmas but I wouldn’t leave my kids for Christmas so I made plans to meet him in Jamaica after Christmas.   It was the longest week in my entire life.  I literally looked at the clock the entire time.  I was an addict! I however did not, find my soulmate.

Arifah what can you lend to this conversation from a social worker perspective?

Wow, Myrna glad you spoke about the hormones.  I always talk to my clients about increasing their Oxytocin through touch, such as a hug, holding hands, a kiss.  Everyone has a sensitive area on the body that causes arousal when touched, whether sexual or just to feel good. It’s important in a relationship to know what your partner likes and does not, to give each other compliments and share tips on how increase synergy between each other.  It’s important to always reminisce on moments, like when you first met, knew you were in love and what you admire about one another now.  All of this, helps build connection.

In general the most salient characteristics for chemistry between two people are mutual interest (reciprocal candor, reasonableness, intimacy,

Similarity, and physical attraction.

 

Here are some questions from my Life Coach group on Facebook on How to, Find your Soul mate?

Remember you have an open invitation to join this group to get answers from the group on any of your struggles in life.

Question from Velma: I would like to, find your soul mate, but most men in my age group 60, want a traditional woman to cook and clean and a man to think for her. I’m not a traditional woman and I’m tired of pretending to be helpless. How do we as women maneuver in a world of the insecure man?

My answer – be both cake and ice-cream. Sometimes you are soft like ice cream and sometimes you are in charge and embrace your masculine energy and be cake.

What’s your answer Arifah

Keep doing what you love and make yourself a priority to level up.

Question from Elizabeth:

Should I be looking to, find your soul mate,  of just someone to keep me warm at night?

When you are in your fifties and you have to start all over dating, do you date to find a husband or should you be okay with someone to keep you warm at night.

My answer- Someone to keep you warm at night. Women over 40 have a very slim chance of finding a husband, but you can definitely, find your soul mate!

What’s your answer Arifah?

Its up to you, based on what you are looking for in the present.  Dating, can work either way, based on what you end up wanting.

Arifah is the Founder and Program Director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services to organizations seeking trainings, workshops or programs with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors. Including:

  • Anger Management
  • Healthy Relationships
  • Mental Health Education and Coping Skills
  • Youth Engagement and
  • Mental Health First Aid Training

Located at 180 Shaw St, suite 201, Toronto, Ont.  Phone # 416-391-5270

 Additional Resources for, How to Find your Soulmate

https://blog.myhelps.us/sex-and-spiritual-energy-the-tree-of-life/

 

Is the Secret to Love, Sex?

The Alchemy of Desire

How To Use Vibrational Energy For Attraction

https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

 

 

 

Understanding Personalities: Which Archetype Drives You

Your Life Theme and, personalities,  shape what motivates and drives you throughout your life. Find out which of the four archetypes compose your identity.

John Voris, author of the book “Discover the Power that Drives your, Personality, How four Virtues Define your World, started his career as a door to door salesman.  He failed miserably as a salesperson, even after taking sales training. He wondered why some people with the same training is better than others and discovered that, personalities, play an important role in skill.   That started his thinking that some, personalities, can do certain skills better than others. He also realized that, personality, controls  our communication.

Personality types
Personality types

 

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He learned that the human mind needs to express its authentic identity and, personality. One way it does that is by selecting the objects and environment that expresses who we are.  That means that the objects around you right now reflect your past decisions.  Decisions like, I know I like this or I don’t like that.

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How does objects that we surround ourselves with express our identity and, Personalities.

John: So when I figured out how to sell to, personalities, I became an excellent salesperson closing 12 out of 14 transactions. I would be able to walk into a room and tell the motivation of my clients by the objects they surrounded themselves with. For example If you came into my office today I have over 4000 books. You can deduct that I am curious. Then you look at the titles of the books and you would understand my desire for wisdom. That doesn’t mean I’ll buy; but if the salesperson tailor their language to my desire for wisdom and build rapport, they have a great chance of closing the sale.  That is how you read people.

Another example, if I were to go into a beauty salon, I can figure out the, personalities; everyone is having fun.  I want to appease the, personalities,  so when I  walk into the salon I talk about other people of interest. The people who just purchased my widgets like Janice two doors down.  I would talk about what is factual about Janice. The, personalities, in the salon would buy my widget because Janice bought it.

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How does Objects identity our, personality?

Our, personality, as our way of expression.  Your identity does not follow. I think therefore I am; It’s the only way to find self-actualization or self-realization.  The objects, events and people around their, personality, identify the, personality type.

Myrna: I’m thinking of an object and that identifies, personalities, and identities. I’m thinking of maybe an expensive car, a big house, nice expensive clothes. These objects around me definitely define my, personality.

True,  but  I  look at what do you like to do for fun?  What is your hobby? In my 35 question, personality test, I ask the questions like “What event caused you the most pleasure? What event caused you the most pain?”  I ask you to describe both, you will find they are linked to the same answer because they are linked to your, personality, and who you are.

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Discover Your Life Theme: The, Personality, Engine That Drives You

Your Life Theme offers the, personality,  framework that gives shape to what motivates and drives you throughout your life.

You are not a, personality, you are an identity. That identity is driven by one of four archetypes or  “Life Themes.”

These “ Life Themes” are Love, Justice, Wisdom and Power.

These represent four and the only four major motivating forces that can explain human behavior.

These four archetypes have many roles and functions that compose our identity. It is their adequacy of expression that is responsible for us living a life of happiness and success.

While each of us contains all four, there is one that takes precedent over the others.

They are responsible for our feelings and emotional reactions often causing anxiety, fear, anger, self-doubt, alienation, the lack of life meaning and purpose.

Once you know your, personality, that’s driving your Archetype, you will be able to understand its presence and better manage your life and your relationships.

Personality Myers Briggs
Personality Myers Briggs

The Myers-Briggs, Personality, Type Indicator

An Overview of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
  • Intuitive-Thinking. INTJ. INTP. ENTJ. ENTP.
  • Intuitive-Feeling. INFJ. INFP. ENFJ. ENFP.
  • Sensing-Judging. ISTJ. ISFJ. ESTJ. ESFJ.
  • Sensing-Perceiving. ISTP. ISFP. ESTP. ESFP.

According to, Myers-Briggs,  theory of, personality types,  people can be characterized by their preference of general attitude:

  • Extraverted (E) vs. Introverted (I), their preference of one of the two functions of perception:
  • Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N), and their preference of one of the two functions of judging:
  • Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)

The three areas of preferences introduced by Jung are dichotomies (i.e. bipolar dimensions where each pole represents a different preference). Jung also proposed that in a person one of the four functions above is dominant – either a function of perception or a function of judging. Isabel Briggs Myers, a researcher and practitioner of Jung’s theory, proposed to see the judging-perceiving relationship as a fourth dichotomy influencing personality type [Briggs Myers, 1980]:

  • Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P)

The first criterion, Extraversion – Introversion, signifies the source and direction of a person’s energy expression. An extravert’s source and direction of energy expression is mainly in the external world, while an introvert has a source of energy mainly in their own internal world.

The second criterion, Sensing – Intuition, represents the method by which someone perceives information. Sensing means that a person mainly believes information he or she receives directly from the external world. Intuition means that a person believes mainly information he or she receives from the internal or imaginative world.

The third criterion, Thinking – Feeling, represents how a person processes information. Thinking means that a person makes a decision mainly through logic. Feeling means that, as a rule, he or she makes a decision based on emotion, i.e. based on what they feel they should do.

The fourth criterion, Judging – Perceiving, reflects how a person implements the information he or she has processed. Judging means that a person organizes all of his life events and, as a rule, sticks to his plans. Perceiving means that he or she is inclined to improvise and explore alternative options.

All possible permutations of preferences in the 4 dichotomies above yield 16 different combinations, or personality types, representing which of the two poles in each of the four dichotomies dominates in a person, thus defining 16 different personality types. Each personality type can be assigned a 4 letter acronym of the corresponding combination of preferences:

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The motivation of each of the four Life Themes or, personality types, are described here:

  • The Love Theme- is motivated to better humanity by trying to correct that which causes pain, discomfort, suffering, and victimization. It is driven by love, compassion, and empathy.
  • The Justice Theme – seeks balance and harmony. Justice is expressed in several ways. It seeks to correct injustice and immorality in people, relationships and organizations. It also gets expressed by seeking balance and perfection using design through engineering, art, music, and literature.
  • The Wisdom Theme – is driven by a need to know in order to exercise sound judgment in problem solving and goal attainment. Wisdom finds its expression and purpose through teaching, learning, and working with data.
  • The Power Theme – needs to act upon thoughts and get into action. Empowerment finds its expression and purpose through Power as a natural leader and agent of change.
Personality INEJ
Personality INEJ

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Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

As you can see, there is something deeper than our, personality, at work that is running the show. Our, personality, is merely the way we appear in social situations. It is not what drives us.

What drives us are ancient archetypal forces based on moral and ethical virtues. I like to see these virtues as gifts that we are born with and are compelled to express and give throughout our life.

All of us need all four of the universal motivation systems regardless of our upbringing, opportunities, and physical attributes:

To download a copy of John Personality test quiz visit www.JohnVoris.com

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Additional Resources, Personalities.

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-transform-your-career-with-purpose/

The Secret to Living the Life of your Dreams

How to Disable your Autopilot Brain

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Type_A_and_Type_B_personality_theory

Authentic Identity Assessment

What Are the 12 Archetypes and Which One Dominates Your Personality

 

How to Stop Self Sabotaging Behavior

self sabotaging behaviors

Self sabotaging behaviors, move us in the opposite direction from our goals. When we understand the patterns that underlie, self sabotage, we begin to free ourselves.

 

We then begin to allow ourselves to interact with ourselves and the world with greater success, joy, and fulfillment. The process of breaking through denial, facing your fear, anger, and other difficult emotions, and making peace with your pain, leads to an ending of the internal war with yourself.

You can step fully into the greatest expression of yourself. Finding the wisdom inside the wounds you’ve endured is one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have with yourself about, self sabotage, because on the other side of it is the emotional freedom and depth of joy that you were born to have.

Introduction to, Self Sabotaging Behaviors

In this interview Sabrina Johnson, inspirational Speaker and Author,  talks on how she overcame different aspects of, self sabotaging behaviors, because of her lack of self confidence and negative self talk. Overcoming, Self Sabotage, and taking Inventory of your failures is one way to stop, self defeating behavior.

Whatever form it takes – whether, self sabotaging behaviors, or limiting thought patterns; self sabotage,  always diminishes the passion and energy we need to fulfill our dreams. At the heart of the matter, it is possible to create as much love, fulfillment, success and joy as we feel worthy of having. By identifying how your inner saboteur is, self sabotaging,  your life, you can make radical progress toward that which you want.

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Podbean 

Overcoming, Self Defeating,  behavior by changing your Mindset

Mindsets are beliefs – beliefs about yourself and your most basic qualities.

Think about your intelligence, your talents, your personality. Are these qualities simply fixed traits, carved in stone or can you cultivate and grow these traits?

Your intelligence is not a fixed quantity which cannot be increased. With practice, training, and above all method, we can increase our attention, our memory, our judgment and become more intelligent than we were before.

In a, Fixed Mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits thus the, self defeating, behavior

In a Growth Mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work.

The, Fixed Mindset, is a, Defeated Mindset

The, fixed mindset, creates an internal dialogue that is focused on judging. e.g

  • “I am a loser”
  • “I am the giver in this relationship and I get nothing in return”
  • “I am a no good husband”
  • “My partner is selfish only thinks about himself”

People with a, growth mindset,  are sensitive to positive and negative information; but they’re attuned to its implications for learning and growing. They ask themselves “What can I learn from this” How can I improve “How can I help my partner do better.

Self sabotage
Self sabotage

How to Overcome, Self Sabotage, at Work

I have always been someone who spent years trying to move my life forward I always say that I am a dreamer;  but the problem was I made decisions and choices in my life that counteracted that data.  I told myself I wanted to move forward; but everything that I did was, self sabotage, my behavior caused me to move backwards.

If I stopped and did an honest self-assessment and really seek God for direction on what am I needed to do. I would figure out  why  I was  seemingly repeating the same, self sabotaging, cycles in my life.  It was at that point that I began to really recognize certain, defeated mindsets, or negative truth about myself that I held  about myself subconsciously that was preventing me from moving forward and continuing these, self defeating behaviors.

For instance I’ll give you an example. I am very career-driven, so I desire to move up the career ladder.  I have a master’s degree in marketing;  but whenever I went to apply for a director level or VP level positions, I get intimidated and, self sabotage, by talking myself out of applying for that position. I would apply and start working at a lower position and then the next couple of months I’m miserable.

Inevitably my employer would see in me what I couldn’t see in myself and they would give me more responsibility. Then I would complain about being overworked and underpaid.  My, defeated mindset, would make me, self sabotage, and take a lower position than I was qualified for.  Then I would leave these jobs because it wasn’t what I wanted and then the cycle would begin all over again at another company.

I had to say OK God I need your help.  Give me the courage to jump in even though I felt fear.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

What is a, Defeated Mindset

Myrna: Let me not skip over this huge opportunity to ask you Sabrina. Since you’ve done whole bunch of self-assessments,  why did you have a, defeated mindset, and, self sabotage,  yourself all those years?  Why did you not have confidence in your abilities?

Sabrina: That is a great question Myrna,  and that was something I had to really pinpoint.  I was listening to a speaker and he said when you lack self-confidence, somewhere along the line in your life someone fed into your mind that you were not good enough. That you were not worthy enough.  I started looking back on past unhealthy relationships and past hurts and start to really connect the guys who rejected me.  Hurts from past relationships.

I had to rely on my faith and ask God for guidance. Outside of that I read a lot of self-help books and articles on how to overcome a, defeated mindset,  how to build your confidence and how to speak with confidence;  but a lot of it, the core of it really has to go back to the words that I was speaking to myself.  So when I started to get intimidated by the Job description, I would remind myself that I have done this job in the past.  You’re not going to take a different role in the company then do this job and not get paid for it. I started being my own cheerleader.

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Here are 4 steps to Overcome, Self Sabotage 

  1. Become aware of your emotions. Your emotions are the language of your body.
  2. Change your emotions by thinking of want you want. Eg. You have applied for a promotion 2 times now and you keep being passed over. A, defeated mindset, says I am never going to get this job I had better get used to this and begin to, self sabotage, Instead imagine yourself in this new position. Feel in your body how it would feel to sit at that desk with your name on the door.
  3. Your emotions will change and so will your body. It believes it is living in the future now.
  4. That’s the way to get over, self sabotaging behavior. Change your brain to change your life.
Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

 Additional Resources on Overcoming, Self Sabotage, 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201512/understanding-self-destructive-dysregulated-behaviors

https://lonerwolf.com/self-destructive-person/

A Guide to Changing Self-Destructive Behaviors

 

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-does-emotional-intelligence-affect-your-success/

How to Raise your Self-esteem by Erasing Self Doubt

https://blog.myhelps.us/5-mindset-transformations-permanent-relationships/

Are you waiting on Love? How Single Women over 40 Find Love

single women over 40

How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love.  Where do they find, single men?

Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love’s house, so that it is ready for Love.

Listen to the full interview here: 

Finding Love Introduction

I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love’s House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.

Dating advice, for, finding love again

  1. Work on being the best you.

Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements

Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence

  1. Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
  • Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
  • Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
  • Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
  • Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
  • The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table.  Why would someone choose you?
Transform your Mind Spotify Podcast
Download on Spotify

Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?

The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.

Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.

  1. Church
  2. Bars
  3. Gym
  4. Sports events
  5. Networking events
  6. House parties
  7. Work

Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!

Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40,  to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love,  at a bar.

My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!

I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!

I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.

Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

Finding love again, on Dating Sites

The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.

As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes.  I don’t have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don’t have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.

Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events.  They are home on their computers.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.

Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?

  • It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest.  It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men,  they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with.  Some key tips, I would give are:
  • Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
  • Some,  dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract  like minded, single men,   that will give off similar positive energy.
  • Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
  • When, dating, be open to new experiences.
  • Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.

These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell  my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.

Where did you meet your husband?

  • I met my husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter.  He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer.  He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.

How do, Single Women, prepare, Love’s House?

Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”

The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love’s House.

One of the first things I remembered she said was to,

  • Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
  • Park on your side in the driveway or garage,
  • Sleep on your side of the bed. Etc.
  • Let the Laws of Attraction work on, finding love again.

You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life,  as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.

She calls this house, Love’s House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.

In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don’t fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.

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Download on iTunes

Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?

  • Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
  • Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
  • Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
  • Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
  • Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.

On the first floor of , Love’s House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.

On the second floor of, Love’s House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.

The most important, dating advice  for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.

The third floor of, Love’s House,  is when, single women,  are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient,  courageous and beautiful inside and out.

The top floor is the Attic

In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40,  are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.

You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast

https://www.podbean.com/podcast-detail/acfds-6b7e1/Transform-your-Mind-Podcast

Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases  of finding themselves in, love’s house.

  • Make sense of your past

In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story 

  • Differentiate

Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.

  • Seek meaning

In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.

  • Recognize your personal power when, finding love again

When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives.   We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves

  • Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts

This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.

  • Know the value of friendship with, single men

We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise

Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak

In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook.  They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.

Here is a question from Mari.  Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice,  on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?

As a, life coach, I think that, single women,  starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.

  • It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
  • You should have common interests,
  • be equally yoked,
  • have the same standard of living,
  • same religion,
  • similar sex drive.
  • The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on  your list but you are shooting for 80%.

Arifah What’s your, Dating Advice, for Mari

Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.

You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man.  Once that’s done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.

I also got a question on my website. www.myhelps.com/contactus

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.

How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.

All I know is that I’ve a great fear. I’ve some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man,  I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.

Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.

Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear.  It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.

It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety.   Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically.  Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.

In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror.  If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.

Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves.  As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.

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Additional Resources

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

https://blog.myhelps.us/surviving-r-kelly-mindset-sexual-predator/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://news.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/03/28/17/erich-gonzales-im-enjoying-my-single-life

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/the-reality-of-life-as-a-single-mom/

https://www.scarymommy.com/dating-a-single-mom/

 

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

no fear just courage

No fear, How do we say goodbye to Fear and live with courage?

What is fear? The first thing we must realize is that FEAR is False evidence appearing real.

Fear is an energy. Created totally in our minds. The energy of fear is powerful.  It can change the quality of lives.

A few years back, I had a guest in my home. When it was time for her to leave, it was dark and she refused to walk out the front door because she was afraid of Frogs jumping on her foot. Now, I have never seen a Frog in my front yard and neither had she; but she must have had an experience of a Frog jumping on her foot and it had traumatized her. So now every time she walks in a yard at dark, she was afraid of Frogs. How can we live with, no fear?

No fear, it is not real
Fear is not real

Now this is an example of a trivial fear but ask yourself. Is fear affecting the quality of your life? What would life be like if you had, no fear?

The problem with fear is that it is the bottom feeder of all emotions, that means that if you have fear in your heart you can’t have:

  • Love,
  • Happiness,
  • Feelings of belonging,
  • Self-reliance,
  • Self-control,
  • Initiative,
  • Ambition,
  • Enthusiasm,
  • or Certainty.
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  • The most common appearances of fear in the, African American Community, are:
  • Fear of poverty
  • Fear of criticism
  • Fear of ill health
  • Fear of loss of love
  • Fear of old age
  • Fear of death

Today Arifah and I are going to look at how Fear shows up in African American families and how it prevents us from living a life of purpose and abundance.

Here are the symptoms of the, Fear of poverty:

  • Willingness to tolerate poverty
  • Acceptance of whatever compensation that life offers without protest.
  • Mental and physical laziness
  • Lack of initiative
  • Lack of imagination
  • Indecision
  • The habit of permitting others to think for you
  • Sitting on the fence of indecision
  • Excuses for not taking initiative
  • Excuses for failures
  • Envy of those who are successful
  • Finding fault with others who are successful

My co-host is Arifah Yusuf, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.

Here are Arifah’s experience in working with youth and dealing with, No Fear, Living with Courage

In my experience working with young people, majority of children and youth live with anxiety.   The anxiety impacts their relationships to function in socially and or academically.  As well, how they view themselves and their ability to complete tasks or take risks.  Common signs of an anxiety disorder in youth I noticed are:

  • Constantly worrying about grades
  • Always trying to be perfect / Being afraid to make mistakes
  • Not sleeping well
  • Difficulty managing daily tasks and/or distress related to these tasks.
  • Anxious predictions – Worrying about something horrible happening (ie. Being embarrassed or humiliated)
  • Anxious thoughts “ I’m out of control, I can’t do this”
  • Avoiding friends or social situations and activities
  • Being afraid of speaking up and asking questions in class
  • Blanking out or freezing up in stressful situation
  • Safety behaviors (habits to minimize anxiety and feel “safer,” e.g., always travelling with a friend or have cell phone in their hand)
  • Excessive physical reactions relative to the context (e.g., heart racing and feeling short of breath in response to certain spaces or when they see certain individuals)

Anxiety is the most common disorder in Canada.  2.6% of Canadians aged 15 and older reported symptoms consistent with generalized anxiety disorder, an anxiety disorder characterized by a pattern of frequent, persistent worry and excessive anxiety about several events or activities.

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada, “the 12 month prevalence for any anxiety disorder is over 12% and one in four Canadians (25%) will have at least one anxiety disorder in their lifetime”.

No fear living with courage
No fear living with courage

Seven Major types of Anxiety Disorders:

  • Agoraphobia,
  • generalized anxiety,
  • specific phobia,
  • panic disorder,
  • social anxiety
  • separation anxiety
  • selective Mutism.

(ie. Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure, and relaxed)

Other Anxiety Disorders:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders (obsessive-compulsive disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, hoarding disorder, trichotillomania, and excoriation disorder).

Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders(reactive attachment disorder, dis-inhibited social engagement disorder, PTSD, acute stress disorder, and adjustment disorder).

 

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No Fear, means Living with Courage: How do we define courage?

Aristotle believed courage to be the most important quality in a man or woman. “Courage is the first of human virtues because it makes all others possible,”

How do you build your courage character?

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  1. Practice courageous acts.

To build a courageous character, with, no fear, the muscle of courage must be continually strengthened. Aristotle, the ancient philosopher who focused most on courage, said that we develop courage by performing courageous acts. Recent psychological research also suggests that courage is an ethical habit that we develop by repeatedly practicing acts of bravery.

Let me share a personal story with you, that helped me develop courage and have, no fear.

Years ago I was living in the United States as a temporary resident as a Canadian Citizen.  I was married and my husband sponsored me and applied for me to become a permanent resident. Before my application was finalized, My brother was getting married in Toronto, Canada and I just upped and left the country for the weekend to attend my brothers wedding.

When I tried to return to the USA, a few days later, border patrol  asked me for my Advance Parole documents.  I told them I never applied for Advanced Parole.  This is a document that gives you permission to leave the country while you have a pending application.   The border patrol told me that I had voluntarily abandoned my application by leaving the country and that my husband had to apply again.  He also told me I would have to stay in Canada for approximately 2 years while my new application was processed. To date that was one of my darkest days!

Then because he knew that as a Canadian Citizen, I could come back into the country at any time as a visitor, he added that if I tried to sneak back into the country as a visitor and I got caught, I would get a 10 year ban from entering the United states.

I returned back to Canada, and for a week I weighed all my options. I had a husband in the USA, my daughter was in school in the USA, I had a good job in the USA.  I decided I had to take the risk of returning to the USA as a Canadian visitor.

So I strapped on some courage, and made myself have, no fear, rented a car and drove myself over the border alone because I did not want to implicate any of my family members.

I drove up to the border patrol with, no fear, and as calmly and as courageous as a dove, I told him that I was going to Buffalo to pick up my husband from the airport.  He asked me if I had anything to declare, I said no and he  and waved me through!

I would tell you that after that incident, I look fear in the face every time and do it anyway. That is how I started to build my courage muscle having, no fear.

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Arifah, do you have a story to share of a time you had to look fear in the eye but do it anyway?

This is a good time to introduce a question I received on my Life coach group on Facebook. I would like for my listeners to join that group.  It is a forum to ask questions regarding your current struggles and get answers from me and the group.

This is a question from Mari: How do I have, no fear, to stop bullying

I really need some advice, I have a lot on my plate right now. I lost the love of my life. In December and since I moved in with my dad and brother I have been picking up after them. Folding their clothes. And they make me out to be their maid. I have paid money to have the house clean and it gets messy by the second day. Now since I’ve moved here my brother has been bullying me. He calls me little girl. Saying I’ll never make it on my own. Saying he feels sorry for me. Calls me a retard. Saying I act like a 12 year old. Says I don’t clean up after myself when I have been picking up after them both. Saying I’m a bitch. Calls me dumb ass. The list goes on but I’m trying to get an apartment and I don’t wish nothing bad on him but If he will ever be homeless I’m not going to put up with this. I thought of suicide but hell no!!! I’m just tired of him bullying me.

Arifah, what advice would you give Mari?

As a Life Coach, here are my steps for having, no fear, and building courage.

Exercise and meditation both have the power to lower stress levels and reduce feelings of depression and anxiety, which could help you to act more courageously in the face of challenges.

This is a meditation practice  I use every day to  build my courage character. It is from the Tibethan Monk Dandipanni

  • Sit quietly and start witnessing your breathe
  • Be aware of the air as it enters your nostrils and follow it all the way down to your belly.
  • Hold your breathe for a few seconds and then breathe out, once again follow your breathe as it exits your nostrils.
  • Do this for 3 breaths
  • Now become aware of your feet on the ground. Focus your attention on your big toe on your left foot. Feel the energy in your left toe as it becomes warm. Now keep your attention on your left foot and feel the energy as it climbs through your feet, ankles, calf, knees, quads, hips. Move this energy into your spine and hold it there.
  • Repeat this with your right foot, left arm and then right arm.
  • Hold the energy that you directed from all your limbs into your spine and now think about a courageous act. I think of the courageous act I just shared with you.  Your energy body is now infused with courage.
  • Now send this energy back to your right arm, left arm, right foot and left foot.

This is how you build your courageous body and have, no fear!

Additional Resources:

https://blog.myhelps.us/principle-4-have-a-positive-mind-set/

https://blog.myhelps.us/who-is-tending-your-mind-garden/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/conquering-fear_n_3909020

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/05/22/nothing-to-fear-how-to-find-courage-when-you-need-it-most/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.43ce47fdd4e3

How to Build your Self-Confidence Muscle

So What is, self- confidence? How do we define, self- confidence, and what does it look like?

Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.

Today’s episode is supported by Columbus Financial.  Are you in a deep hole of “Financial Depression” with nowhere to turn for help? Constantly being harassed by collection agencies? Then visit Columbus Financial and success coach. www.columbusfinancialcoach.com

In Today’s #podcast  Arifah and I are talking on the topic of How to build, Self-confidence, we want to  shed some light on one of the top struggles of , African American women,  self-confidence,

In the co-host chair today is registered, social worker and mental health counselor, Ms Arifah Yusuf.

How to Build Self Confidence
How to Build Self Confidence

What is Self-Confidence?

The most important thing to remember about, self- confidence, is that we were born with it. It is our natural state.

How many of you remember your play days as kids? As a child I was always the doctor or teacher.

Boys have no fear. They would climb to the tallest point in their home, put on a cape and jump! They were Superman!

So I would define, self- confidence, as certainty. Confident and certain that you are able to handle your job, your family, social events and personal relationships.

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How do you build, self-confidence?

Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.

But a large percentage of, African American women,  and men suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, because of negative input from parents, peers, and loved ones.

Usually centered on their intellect, the color of their skin, their hair, their lips, their butt, the section of town they live, their lack of designer clothing, and the list goes on.

It is important to note that lack of, self-confidence, always comes from negative comments that you believe. If you don’t let these negative comments in, they will never take root and grow.

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Here is a story showcasing how a lack of, self-confidence,  usually starts.

A surgeon opened his office one day and found a tall black man in the waiting room. He was six feet four inches tall and towered over the surgeon. He complained about his lip. You see his underlip protruded out from his top lip. His girlfriend told him she was ashamed to be seen in public with him because of his ugly lip; so he came to the surgeon to get it fixed.

The surgeon told him there was nothing wrong with his lip, it was just a minor protrusion. The black man insisted on getting it fixed; so the surgeon gave him an outrageous price of $1200 hoping he would go away.

He did, he said that he didn’t have that kind of money. But lo and behold, he came back the next day with a little black bag in his hand. He dumped the contents on the table. Bills poured out, his life savings; $1200 worth!

The doctor was shocked. He didn’t want to deprive the man of his life savings so he made him an offer. He agreed to do the surgery for a smaller fee on the condition that he tell his lady love that he paid $1200 for the surgery.

The operation was simple enough and one week later all the bandages came off and the man had a smaller lip he was proud of. All the surgery was done inside the lip so he had no visible scars except for a small scar inside the lip. The man was happy, he strode from the doctor’s office full of, self-confidence, A commanding figure. Tall, black and proud.

However a few weeks later he was back in the surgeon’s  office. His body seemed to have shrunk, his hands lost their strength, his voice squeaked. The doctor asked him what happened to him.

He said “the African Bug, sir. It got me and it’s killing me”

He told the doctor after he removed the bandages he went to see his lady love. She loved his lip and asked him how much he paid for the surgery.  When he told her $1200, she became enraged and cursed him saying she could have used that $1200 and accused him of hiding the money from her. She cursed him and told him he would die.

Deeply troubled and hurt, the man laid in his bed for 4 days worrying  about this curse that was going to kill him. Then running his tongue around, he discovered the horrible thing inside his mouth. He went to see a medical doctor who checked his mouth and confirmed that “the slimy African bug was stuck inside his mouth and it was indeed killing him.

The surgeon looked at this diminished and fearful man and asked him “Is it really in your mouth?”

“Yes sir,” the man said “the doctor tried to help get rid of it with liquids, pastes and potions – but nothing worked. The curse is too strong”. It’s burned inside my lip.

“Your lip?”

“Yes sir” the man said

“You didn’t say lip before”

The doctor ran his finger at the back of the man’s lip and told the disbelieving man that “the bug” was no more than scar tissue from his surgery.

The disbelieving man looked up in wonder and asked “then there is no African bug?”

The man stood up. Instantly he seemed to have regained his full height and strength. A rich smile spread over his face and his voice boomed out again. His, self-confidence, had returned.

The moral of this story is that you can’t get your, self-confidence, from other people. You have to take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses and deal with them on your own terms.

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Let’s bring Arifah into this, self-confidence, conversation. Arifah is a, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health issues. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.

Arifah I am sure that a large population of your clients suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, Why do you think that is?

I think there are many reasons young people lack, self-confidence, I often work with young people who experienced unhappy childhoods or maybe their parents neglected them in some way or they weren’t involved much in their lives.

Also I’d say lack of, self -confidence, sometimes comes from negative input from teachers or authority figures in their lives. Sometimes teachers have a way of saying things that discourage young people.  Making them feel inadequate made and like they couldn’t be successful.  That kind of influenced how they feel about themselves and their, self-confidence, I’d also say young people who have experienced trauma or bullying from their peers can obviously influence their, self-confidence,

I believe that when young people don’t value themselves and sometimes that comes from people not validating them, they often lack, self-confidence,

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How to Build Your Self-Confidence through Courageous acts

As a, life coach, I believe that Courage is a byproduct of, self confidence,

It takes courage to walk up on stage and speak to an audience large or small.

It takes courage to call that guy you like and ask him out.

It takes courage to go into that interview even though you have no idea what you are going to say.

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So how do you make yourself, Face the Fear, but do it anyway?

Tell yourself that it is not going to kill you.

My grandmother used to say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

And that’s exactly what, Feeling the fear but doing it anyway does for you. It makes you stronger, it builds your, self-confidence, muscle because even if you bombed you got practice and practice also makes perfect!

Here are my steps to build your, self-confidence, muscle on public speaking or doing a presentation at work.

  1. You can start by writing out your speech word for word and just read it
  2. Then as you get more, self- confidence, and your brain recorded that you did not die, you weren’t booed off the stage, nobody laughed at you.
  3. So the next step is to write out the headlines and speak from the heart on your headlines
  4. Sooner or later you will have, self- confidence, muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Tony Robbins and command the attention of the audience.

Arifah What are your steps to building the, self-confidence, muscle?

I find that it  wasn’t only their, self-confidence muscle,  that needed to be built up, it was their self-worth,  it was a whole bunch of things there was all built into the one thing.  If we were to put a label on it,  it would be that we’re not enough.

You would not believe how many people feel that they are not enough;  even the most successful

people like, Michelle Obama, in her book “Becoming Michelle Obama” felt that she wasn’t good enough.  Why did she feel that way?  Because she was black and from the south side of Chicago!

As, African American women,  we have got a lot of things that we have to deal with, we just have to believe that we are all born with purpose and with the love of God.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GetiPNOx9dU

I have seven steps that I use to help my clients gain, self-confidence:

  1. Self-reflection – every time I meet with them, I allow them to self-reflect on their day self-reflect on things that were happening in their lives with gratitude.
  2. Acknowledgement and self-acceptance – what makes them unique because everybody is unique.
  3. Positive reinforcement – praising their effort and not obsessing over mistakes.
  4. Mastering a skill – I had the girls work on a project. They created their own YouTube video. Everyone mastered a skill in the production of the video.
  5. Communication skills – I do a lot of exercises around different forms of communication. Assertiveness,  passive, passive aggressive etc.
  6. Positive self-talk and affirmations – paying attention to their internal dialogue
  7. Pay it forward – giving back helps build, self-confidence,

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Download on the following podcast players and please remember to subscribe, rate and review if you found this content helpful.

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Additional Resources:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/joyburnford/2019/01/08/confidence-one-more-muscle-to-exercise-this-year/

 

How to Raise your Self-esteem by Erasing Self Doubt

The Secret to Living the Life of your Dreams

 

So What’s the secret to, living the life of your dreams? Have you wondered how someone can be born with nothing, and then live a, dream life? They can live in abject poverty, having nothing to eat, sometimes homeless and in a few years become a millionaire?

In this episode of the Transform your mind, to Transform your Life, radio show and podcast, registered social worker and mental health counselor, Ms Arifah Yusuf Mortley, share what we believe is the secret to, living the life of your dreams.  Arifah is the founder and Program Director of  Lifted by Purpose, a company that Provides a diverse range of services including workshops or programs designed to help the youth in Toronto, Canada deal with mental health issues, make positive changes in their lives after issues with the criminal justice system.  Arifah has been a registered social worker specializing in mental health for over 15 years.  She just started working with the prison system to help inmates live fulfilling lives when released from prison.

There are more, rags to riches, stories than rich kids born with trust funds.

Some Names of, Rags to Riches, people

Oprah Winfrey

Tony Robbins

Dean Graziosi

Neal Donald Walsh – he went from living homeless on the street to writing the book “Conversations with God”

Arnold schwarzenegger

Les Brown

So what do all these people have in common. They focused their attention on what they wanted and not their current circumstances.

Rags to Riches, story of O.J Simpson

O.J Simpson, rags to riches story
O.J Simpson

A young boy was born into poverty in a rundown section of San Francisco. This young boy became a fan of football legend Jim Brown, then the running back for the Cleveland Browns.  Even though this young boy was crippled by Rickets  from malnutrition, he dreamed of one day becoming a star running back like his hero Jim Brown.

Since he had no money to pay to see his hero play, he would wait outside the stadium for the maintenance crew to open up the gate in the fourth quarter and he would hobble on his crocked legs into the stadium and watch the balance of the game.

At the age of 13, he walked into an ice cream parlor one day after a 49’rs game against the Browns and came face to face with his idol, Jim Brown.

He went up to him and said “Mr Brown I Am your biggest fan.  I know every record you’ve ever set, every touch down you’ve ever scored.  Mr Brown one day I am going to break every one of your records.”

Jim Brown smiled and said “That great Kid. What’s your name?”

The young boy smiled and said “Orenthal James Simpson my friends call me O.J”

O.J Simpson did indeed go on to break all of Jim Brown’s records proving that, whatever you water will grow, and that, energy goes where attention flows.

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Arifah what is your experience as a counselor with youth transforming their lives from nothing to something?

I think the story is very powerful in terms of sharing his lived experiences with adversity and having a mindset from an early age to be great. Being able to meet his mentor, the person that he looked up to was also a great moment in his life. I admire that he not only set a goal to be like his hero Jim Brown but he wanted to surpass him.

I know that’s the same even with me working with young people often when you’re in your situation sometimes you feel stuck but then if you take the moment to look at it and be like well if I feel like this is the worst situation for me the only way to go is up from here.

The best thing to do is to reflect on your situation, then look at your strengths and look at how you use those strengths.  Ask yourself how do I use those resources around me to get where I need to go.  Then you can definitely work towards transforming your life.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

I have a story of a young person.  He was referred to me by another social worker. This young man was always in and out of incarceration.  I was working on a peer support project with young people sharing their lived experiences and the learning from these experiences with other young

People.  This young man was awaiting trial for a new charge and while he was working in the program, he developed a lot of skills.  He learned to tell his story and self- reflect on some of his challenges.

One day his story connected with another youth and the youth told him his story changed his life.  That made him feel like a leader. He became inspired to help more youths in the program.

He graduated from our program, got a job in trades work and when he came out of prison got a full time job at a top company.  Today he is a supervisor, making good money and supporting his family.

As a, Life coach, I know for a fact that if you keep watering your goals with your attention and have faith and perseverance, you will one day manifest them into your experience and soon you will be,  living the life of your dreams.

Authors Myrna Trotman and Jerome Dickey
Me and Eric Jerome Dickey

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So how do you transform your current lack of resources, love, energy, or just a miserable existence to, Living the Life of your Dreams?

I am a follower of Ester Hicks and the consciousness of Abraham. I believe that The universe responds to whatever you focus on. You could be laying in bed with a broken body or in a broken relationship and you could shift your reality to where you want to be and that would become your new point of attraction.

If you were to focus on what you don’t have, you are in fact activating it to continue in your life. Eg If you focus on your lack of money or the lack of a man that is what you will continue to have.

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Arifah what are some exercises or steps you help your clients to live a, Life of their dreams ?

I focus on a strength-based assessment.  This assessment helps young people recognize their strengths or skills abilities and the things that they’re good at doing.  We made a list of things that he was good at.  Some of the things that he profited from illegally; but  skills like marketing,  figuring out demographics, leadership, acquiring a team.  The skills were transferable into other things.

Then we figured out what jobs matched the skills he was good at.  For example, he was good with his hands so we looked at construction jobs or trade jobs like plumbing.

Once we listed the jobs that he had an aptitude for, then it was just connecting him to those Resources. We looked for friends or family members who worked in that industry. We made a resource list of who he knew and where they worked.

Then we looked at what steps would he have to take to apply or what skills was needed for each job.  After this process, he became a little bit more hopeful.  He started to approach the problem with a positive mindset and a strategy.

My youth are able to find the perfect job and start, living the life of their dreams.

Here are the, Life coaching, steps to, Living the Life of Your Dreams

  1. As a Life coach I ask my clients to utilize their imagination.
  2. To withdraw their attention from the negative vibration of their current situation and dream.
  3. Our brains can’t tell the difference between real or imagined images.
  4. Launch their creation of their abundant life by launching their desires into the universe. Think of OJ Simpson.
  5. Become pure positive energy like a breath of fresh air

Everyone has something they can be grateful for even if it is feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin or being able to walk in the rain. Do you know that people in prison would give anything to feel the sun or walk in the rain. Positive vibration attracts positive things and circumstances into your experience.

Control where your awareness goes within your mind because that is where your energy flows.

Learn the fine art of concentration

Concentration is defined as holding your awareness on one thing.

Do you remember the book and movie the secret?

It was about the Law of attraction and creating vision boards and everyone in the movie had their vision come true. Everyone was living the, like of their dreams.

 

So what’s the secret to, living the life of your dreams? “Believe, have faith and persevere”

God said I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and give you hope.

 

To listen to the full audio interview

Download on the following podcast players and please remember to subscribe, rate and review if you found this content helpful.

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Additional Resources

https://bigthink.com/experts-corner/10-steps-to-attract-the-life-you-want

 

https://blog.myhelps.us/principle-1-keep-your-vision-in-front-of-you/

The Secret to Having it All

How to Heal Your Brokenness

How to Heal Brokenness

My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase.  He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out. We must heal our, brokenness if we are going to hold love, self-esteem, self-worth, or confidence.

Certified Life coach, Myrna Young and registered social worker, Arifah Yusaf discuss, How to Heal your Brokenness,

The LORD is near to the, broken hearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

 

In this blog and podcast here are some of the mental health topics we will be discussing every week.  We want to discuss real life issues and struggles of the, minority woman:

Brokenness
Brokenness

Lets start with, How to Heal your Brokenness,

My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase.  He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out.  That means that if you are, broken hearted,

  • you cannot hold love,
  • you cannot hold appreciation,
  • you cannot hold compliments,
  • you are incapable of receiving and holding anything.

So it is very important for us to find our cracks and mend them.  As, minority women, most of us have experienced some, brokenness, in our lives.

Here are the top 3 reasons for, Brokenness:

  1. Devalued and rejected by others
  2. Abandoned by our parents
  3. Feelings of not being good enough because we have lack.

 How do we Heal, brokenness?

I know in our practice of social work and in psychology, a lot of clinical professionals, look at the research study around ACES which is our first childhood experiences.

That study basically states that childhood experiences before the age of 18, whether that be witnessing abuse or being abused themselves, living in poverty or just going through traumatic events; Those experiences impact their, brokenness, as they grow up into adulthood.  It may impact how they maneuver through success or how they view themselves as  failures.

These experience are also linked to risky health behaviors, chronic health conditions, low life potential and even early death.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

Myrna Young, Life Coach, I agree that risky behaviors from, brokenness, usually means an absence of self-love and that can definitely lead to early death.

I am going to niche down in our conversation today to address women of color and, minority women, because that’s who we are.

As women we can be, broken, both in our childhood and by narcissistic men in our adult lives, who have rejected us or devalued us.

Our, brokenness, becomes compared with the, broken hearted.   Also when we experience, brokenness, as children those experiences can leads us to get into unhealthy relationships.    Healing our, brokenness,  prevents us from repeating this pattern of unhealthy relationships that would leave us, broken hearted.

It takes work to heal our cracks.  The first step in coaching is to identify how you became, broken, and then replace your subconscious programming with a new program similar to writing over a CD disk.

 

Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

How to heal the, Broken Hearted

  1. Acknowledge that you are, broken
  2. Follow the pain – pay attention to where it hurts
  3. Trust outside eyes. Have close trusted friends to tell you what they see. This can also be a, life coach, who can uncover your blind spots.
  4. Allow love to mold you like the potter molds clay.
  5. Pray and meditate on the fruits of the spirit, peace, joy, love

Here is a story on, How we become broken, and the process of healing.

Arifah – In my years of practice, I obviously had a lot of opportunities to engage young people who have expressed feeling, broken, based on their lived experiences or their adverse childhood experiences.  As we talked about earlier in the segment, those experiences impact how they view themselves,  how they show up in relationships, in their place within society or their environments.

I recall speaking with this young woman who shared witnessing domestic abuse at home.  She actually found her mother’s body when she came home from school one day. She was then placed into the foster care system.  At 18 years old having nowhere to go, she was placed into a shelter.  I remember her telling me that she really struggled with her identity and her self-esteem.  She harbored resentment towards her family because nobody had come to claim her in Foster care which magnified her, brokenness.

In her late teens she became pregnant and wanted to connect with her family; because she was starting to feel isolated and she wanted her child to know more about her family history. But she faced rejection once more. She decided that it was all up to her, to make a difference in her child’s life.

She then stared setting small goals for herself and accomplishing them.  That started building her self-esteem until she recovered from her, brokenness. She became more engaged in her community and connected with other single mothers. She stopped blaming others or comparing herself to others and continued her healing process.

She decided to develop a plan with a network of positive healthy people. Eventually  she stopped defining herself as, broken, because she realized that she really could make a difference in the life of her child. It was all up to her, no one else.  Like the analogy of the broken vase, she couldn’t hold self-esteem, or self-worth, as a broken vessel, everything leaked out. When she became whole everything stayed in.  That is, how to heal your brokenness,

Free Gift

Free Download: Out of the Snares, How to Heal your Brokenness
Out of the Snares

As a gift to my radio and podcast audience and you my Blog readers, I want to give you a FREE COPY of my book Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement.

My purpose in writing this book was to share with my readers the power of intention as the energy in my life. This book is my testimony on how I overcame my, brokenness.

All my life I have been called lucky; but there is no such thing as luck just positive energy and preparation.

As women we sometimes fail because we are always working; but not On their lives. We instead work in our lives. To succeed your commitment to your own personal growth must parallel your commitment to building remarkable lives for yourself and your children.

After you read my book and become inspired by my story of success after starting out with nothing and healing my, brokenness, I would like to Help you get off the starting block with the most unbelievable coaching offer ever made!

If you are interested in doing something remarkable with your life and escape the Snares of failure from, broken relationships, broken marriages,  by moving your dreams from your head into your hands, then download your FREE book and purchase my coaching package.

You will never get a better chance to invest in you. I believe that you are worth it. Don’t you?

To reach out to Arifah Yusaf at Lifted by Purpose head over to her web site https://liftedbypurpose.com/

Remember to download and subscribe on your favorite podcast player, iTunes, Spotify, Soundcloud, Google Play, iHeart radio

Additional Resources:

The Weight of the Cape: Why Am I Afraid to be Broken?

https://myhelps.us/personal-development-podcast/

https://blog.myhelps.us/become-life-coach/

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-become-lifted-by-your-purpose/