Brain scans have revealed that when your mind wanders, it switches into “autopilot” mode, enabling you to carry on doing tasks quickly, accurately and without conscious thought. Our, autopilot, mode seems to be run by a set of brain structures called the default mode network or, autopilot brain.
Whenever you are on, autopilot, you are running, subconscious programs.
Have you ever gotten in your car and driven to your destination and you don’t recall how you got there. That is your, autopilot brain, driving you to your destination.
Your, Autopilot brain, is part of your, subconscious brain.
Daily Habits That Can Help You Stop your, Autopilot Brain
Wake Up Mindfully. Become conscious of your body, your breathe
When you brush your teeth and take a shower, become aware of what you are doing.
Take the Scenic Route. …When you stop at the traffic light, become aware of the other cars and notice your surroundings
Connect with Others. …When you get to work, actually listen to other and don’t tune them out.
Connect with Nature.. Take a walk and stop to smell the roses.
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Taking a shower, most people are not mindful in the shower
Driving your car
Eating a meal, are you conscious of chewing your food?
Scrolling on social media, your fingers have a mind of their own!
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How to take your brain off, Autopilot
Many contemporary psychologists have very different concepts of the, autopilot brain. Rather than see it as a seething cauldron of battling unseen forces, they conceptualize the, autopilot brain, or the, subconscious brain, as a set of cognitive processes for sifting through the welter of stimuli impinging upon our sense organs and preparing responses to them. It is the, autopilot brain, that allows us to recognize in an instant a familiar face, to play a musical instrument without thinking about the position of our fingers, and to ride a bicycle without thinking about how to maintain our balance. Many of our daily behaviors, involve, autopilot, processes that lie outside the range of ordinary awareness.
We operate on, autopilot, for 95% of our daily activities. To take your brain off, autopilot, you have to become aware of your breathe and your body sensations.
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Take risks to get past your, autopilot programs. Your, subconscious brain, always wants to play it safe.
Ask questions like, What else is possible that I have not considered?
Say things like, how cool is it that I have all this extra money.
What am I going to do with all this extra cash?
How can I make this a reality?
What if I become a successful as a TV talk show host?
What would that look like? See yourself in this role. This one is for me!!
This strategy is called auto inquisition.
Thomas Edison practiced auto inquisition. He would sit in a chair and ask his, subconscious brain, questions about an invention, you can do the same.
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Are you a stay at home mom? Why not become a, mompreneur? Allison Lancaster, lifestyle blogger and, mompreneur, shares how to start and grow your business along with your babies.
Today on the, Transform your Mind, to Transform your Life radio show and podcast. I interview Allison Lancaster. Allison is a mom, wife and six-figure business owner. She started her business in 2016 after giving birth to her first son, who spent 2 weeks in the NICU. She has since grown not only a lifestyle blogger; but has become a trusted online business manager for entrepreneurs who are seeking to find purpose, passion & freedom as a, mompreneur. Allison's passion project is teaching other moms how to become work at home moms so that they can grow their business along with their babies.
Allison How did you go about deciding to be a Mompreneur?
The entire time I was pregnant with my son, I had decided to go back to work. We had a daycare picked out and everything. But I think going through the NICU experience and just becoming a new mom, that's a huge life change. Whether you're an NICU mom or not. I can remember one day that just sticks out in my mind, my son was about two months old, my maternity leave was dwindling down and I could just remember sitting looking at my baby and just crying. I didn’t want to leave him to go back to work.
Myrna: So you fell in love and couldn't bear to part with your baby!
I've always had kind of an entrepreneurial spirit. I had my own business as a wedding planner and always had a side hustle. I have always wanted to have my own business. So when I decided to be a, mompreneur, I started just researching like a mad person on Google for ideas. I started out by buying things from Walmart on clearance and then trying to sell them on Amazon, which some people make great business out of; but I just could not do it.
So I considered what I am good at. I clarified my strengths. Writing has always been a passion of mine, so I decided I'll just start a, mompreneur, blog.
I really didn't think that it would be any sort of a career. It was just something I used as an outlet.
How did you build your Business as a, Mompreneur?
The, NICU experience, was really kind of a traumatic birth experience; so I decided to download by writing about it and maybe helping other NICU moms.
The, NICU experience, is a different kind of experience from a regular birth. I mean you don't get to hold your baby for days, possibly weeks and you're separated from him or her and you have to watch them being fed by tubes. It is both a traumatic and terrifying experience.
Other, NICU moms, started sharing their experience and it was powerful.. My blog was very quickly picked up and syndicated by a large parenting website.
I joined some blogging groups on Facebook and I found this amazing community of bloggers who were very receptive and helpful.
Then I started promoting my blog on Pinterest, just kind of pinning it just to see what would happen. My content very quickly gained traction had I had some viral pins.
Then friends started to reach out to me and there they were like, hey you're doing really well on Pinterest. You're being syndicated in all of these places. What are you doing and how can you help us?
So that's really kind of where the online business management side of my business was born.
How did you Grow your, Mompreneur, Business along with your Babies?
I took on one client and then they referred me and here we are some 50 or more clients later.
Myrna: Wow yeah I have a blog ( this one!) and my blog did not take off! I have never been syndicated and I have yet to figure out what Pinterest does! So you're doing great. Why do you thing you were so successful so quickly?
It has come full circle. Initially I would have said it was the marketing pieces of it and the website building and things like that. But late last year I noticed a shift. People wanted to hear about the nuts and bolts of running a business and that is what I blogged about.
Today I kind of talk about everything, I call it a lifestyle blog. I share a lot of my grandmother's recipes. I'm a southern girl and we like our food. I share a lot of parenting kind of tips and advice too. I have 2 kids now. A 3 year old and a 9 month old. As they're growing, things that I'm learning and discovering, I share.
How to Find your Passion, Purpose and Freedom as a, Mompreneur
Mompreneurs, are women entrepreneurs who just happens to be moms as well. A lot of, mompreneurs, started their businesses because they wanted the freedom to stay at home with their babies, or the freedom to travel or whatever kind of freedom they are looking for.
I have started very recently a free course for, mompreneurs, who want to become virtual Assistants. Mompreneurs, who want to stay home with their babies and don't necessarily want to sell a product or create a product. I want to teach them how they can start a business offering virtual assistant services. We all have marketable skills whether that's accounting, bookkeeping or marketing. I kind of coach them through the process.
Most, mompreneurs, don't even remember what their purpose was in starting their business. They just wanted to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So I do a lot of business strategizing with clients. I ask them what is your five-year plan for your business?
Why did you start your business, was it to stay at home with your babies or was it to travel?
Then I ask them. Are you seeing those things in your business right now? If not why?
I teach, mompreneurs, to find their passion and purpose by doing what they love.
I think it's different for every person; but there's just a lot of questions and kind of deep-diving and soul-searching that you have to do. We have to do it consistently, not just in the beginning or in the middle of your business. It's a daily thing. Ask yourself, how does this task fit into my bigger plan and my bigger purpose?
Listen to the full interview by clicking the link below or by downloading and subscribing to your favorite podcast player.
Spiritual psychology, is a lens that we look through that teaches us everything that's happening in our life, is happening for us. That all of our challenges are beautifully designed opportunities, or I should say beautifully disguised opportunities giving us the steppingstones, we need to grow and evolve and transform. It is a, personal transformation, tool that helps us into our next level of protection to really fulfill our intelligence, which is the fullest realized expression of who we come here to be in this life.
Donna: Spiritual psychology, is really a technology that was innovated and pioneered by doctors Ron and Mary Holman at the University of Santa Monica. Spiritual psychology, is a lens that we look through that teaches us everything that's happening in our life is happening for us. That all of our challenges are beautifully designed opportunities, or I should say beautifully disguised opportunities. Giving us the steppingstones, we need to grow and evolve and transform into our next level of protection to really fulfill our intelligence, which is the fullest realized expression of who we come here to be in this life.
And that's what it is. It's a perspective, right? It is a way to see the world and when we start seeing the world as if everything that's happening is really this beautifully designed opportunity for us to grow and learn and change and evolve. And we start seeing the world from an empowered place, rather than seeing the world from a place of feeling victimized by life circumstances and life's happenstance of life's craziness.
Myrna: That is actually quite good. And I would get as you're talking, I'm imagining myself in a coaching session, and you're talking to someone, and they are saying Oh, my life has been very bad, and all these different things happened to me. And then you can turn that around and say, you know what, what did this teach you? What do you think that this revealed to you? What strengths did you bring out of that? That is a, spiritual psychology, session.
I am actually loving it. Now you guys are calling it a different name. But the Bible teaches that everything happens for your good. Actually, it's one of the scripture verses that I that I adhere to, and it's one of my foundation scriptures is that yes, everything happens for your good. So now that I've opened that door, so how do you use, spiritual psychology, as a, transformation tool, in your coaching sessions?
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Heart centered listening is one of the principles of spiritual psychology
Donna: Well, there are 33 principles and practices of, spiritual psychology. And so, I use each of these principles and practices to support the client in doing their life from a different place. And you know, two of our foundational skills the University of Santa Monica has entitled the skill, heart centered listening, and I call it, heart centered listening. The original name for seeing the loving essence I have renamed to big acknowledgement. A big acknowledgement is the recognition that you and I are, spiritual beings, on this epic human adventure. And when I recognize you also as a, spiritual being, having this public human adventure, then there's something about that that makes us the same.
And when we begin to recognize that for every single person on the planet, then we can really recognize that we really are all one and we're all in this together. We're all facing the same challenges and the same trials and the same opportunities. You know, we all are in club human together, having this human experience.
Heart centered listening, is really about it's about what you do all day in your in your job Myrna with these podcasts that you do and like deeply listening to another person giving them the space to share from a center heart opened place where they are free to explore their own consciousness. And download from the infinite universe kind of trickle into the conversation. And when we invite that, infinite intelligence, into the conversation, who knows what's going to happen? That is why we call it, spiritual psychology.
Myrna: I love it. Yes, yes. You're talking my language girl. Yeah, I you know, we are all love. I love Deepak Chopra. And you know, Deepak Chopra always says that we are all, spiritual beings, having a, human experience, manifesting through a, central nervous system. So, each one of us is manifesting, through our individual, human nervous system. But eventually we're all we're all connected.
One of the one of the things that he says, and I was even meditating on this morning, is that we're all like a wave in the ocean. We're all part of the ocean and each one of us is a wave. And so, what you are saying is beautiful. And you are correct when you recognize that we're all one, and we're all spirit and we're all connected, that changes your perception on your struggles. Is that what you are calling, spiritual psychology?
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Spiritual psychology is the gateway to acceptance of our humaneness
Donna: Well, yes, it's one way that you can go with it. And, you know, the longer I'm on this spiritual path, the more I realized it's really about loving my humaneness. And I think a big gateway to, transformation, and how I work with my clients is really inviting them into a deeper level of reverence for their, human experience, a deeper level of acceptance for the human. A deeper level of acceptance for ourselves, you know, for how we fall short of our own aspirations in life, and how we relate to ourselves, when we're going through something difficult.
That's really where we have an opportunity to have a different experience in our life. I love what you were sharing about Deepak Chopra. And one of the things that the way that I like to say it is we are all unique, individualized expressions of, the Divine. And no two of us are the same, right? Every single one of us is this gorgeous depiction of, the Divine. And how magnificent is that? And it's quite a miracle.
And it's quite miraculous, but we overlook it on a regular basis. And so, I helped people slow down and tune in so that they can begin to recognize their power, the real power, the power that comes from inside of us, not the power that we think that we get from our job or for money or from a status position or anything like that. Helping people to recognize that they have this inherent power within them. And that power is a source of our aliveness. That is that power is the source of our expression out in the world as a drop in, the Divine.
Myrna: Very true. It's actually very powerful. Very powerful, because, you know, one of the reasons that I concentrate so heavily on the, mind, is because that's where it starts. It's how you think is your thoughts is your thought process. And, yeah, once you recognize that, that you're limitless, that you're powerful, that you actually shape your destiny and that is all part of, spiritual psychology.
It doesn't just happen, you're shaping it by your thoughts and if you feel empowered, or if you feel a victim, you know, that's basically my story as well. Yeah, you got to realize, you have power and instead of being stuck, you have the power to change your life, if it's going in one direction, just like you did. You figure that yeah; I am just on a treadmill. And what did you do? You did something about it, right? You didn't stay there and wait until you're 65 and then say, you know, my life has been terrible.
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Reclaiming our authentic power
Now, one of the other things that we were talking about is how can we use consciousness to reclaim our, authentic power.
Donna: We have to become present, be in the, present moment, Myrna? We're all so caught up in the future with the two dues right? We got to go here. We got to do this. We got to do that. And our mind, you know, our attention and our energy go into the future. Or we're stuck in the past, right? We're obsessing about I should have said this, or I should have done that. And we're caught up in yesterday and what really is over that we can't even change. But when we can be here in this, present moment, right now, and place our energy and our intention on person, the situation whatever is right in front of us. Then we are tapping into our, consciousness, in the highest way that we can at the time.
Myrna: Right. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yes, because yes, consciousness, is definitely being present and nothing happens outside of the, present moment. A lot of people are always in the past or the future. But change only happens in the, present moment. So, that's pretty good. All right. Now one of the things that you do in your in your work, is you talk about the, power of the I AM. So, talk to us about how you help your clients to using, I AM, to pivot for to help with their, transformation.
Donna: Thank you so much for asking this question. I see this as one of the most powerful tools that we all have in our toolbox. And it's the two little, teeny tiny words, I AM, because when we say those words, we are making a declaration. We are making a proclamation to the universe. And so, I invite your listeners to just pay attention. What comes attached to these two little words in your life? Are you walking around saying, I am, tired? I am, exhausted. I am, sick. I AM, whatever. Because the back story that we're telling, then those are the results that we are creating.
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And so, I see this as literally like using a magic wand. We are instantaneously reaffirming what we do want to experience, what we do want to occur. So, we can put our attention, our focus on that immediately and begin to say things like,
I AM, doing the best that I can in the moment.
I am, moving towards radiant health and wellbeing.
I am, vitality.
I am perfect, just the way God made me.
I am, accepting all of myself, no matter what society says about you.
So, it's really a powerful way to change our current reality. And I talk extensively about this. I have a whole chapter called, I AM, or it's called the responsibility of, I am, in my book “Original Wisdom: Harnessing the Power of the Authentic You.”
My book really talks about my journey and how I left the corporate arena, and Myrna it wasn't a straight path. I gotta tell you, it wasn't hiding guidance. I didn’t wake up one morning and said, I'm going to be a coach. It didn't happen like that. And as a matter of fact, if you could have told me that I was going to be in these sacred, intimate, loving, connected one on one conversations with people I would have said oh, hell no, that's never gonna happen. Because the time that my journey began, the, mindset, that I had, was completely different than the, mindset, that I have now.
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Myrna: I know, we're in the, personal improvement, and, personal development, space, and we grow along with people that we teach. I am listening and learning something every single day so we're growing in that space. And for me, because I get to speak to excellent guests like yourself, I'm learning, It’s like a school for me. I'm learning from all my guests. And yeah, your, mindset, keeps shifting.
But I want to touch back on that, I am, statement because one of the things that I love saying is, I am the universe, and that's basically what you were talking about. Earlier, when you said that we are, spiritual beings, right. And we're part of the Infinite is the fact that, I'm the universe, right? The universe is inside of me. So now you coach, and you have your master's degree. So why did you write the book and what is it that you want the readers to walk away with, after they put it down?
Donna: The truth is, I was really creating a workshop. I was putting together teaching points. And as I was going through these teaching points, I thought to myself, oh, I have a story for that. You know, I really want to illustrate that in a more visual way, in a way that people can remember or walk away with. And so, as I started compiling all of my stories, I kind of took a step back and I was like, that's my story. It's like my whole story. And after a little bit of rearranging, I unfolded, really this path and I don't tell the story in a chronological way, because of the way in which, I AM, pulled each of the concepts.
Original Wisdom: Harness the power of the authentic you
I deliver a dovetail experience to it so that each of them builds on their previous one. And really, what I want people to walk away with is a sense of that, authentic empowerment, a sense that they are so much more, we are so much more than what we have been taught. And original wisdom is an inherent intelligence in all beings, that is rooted in unconditional love.
And when I think about, our spirit or soul, the energy of that is unconditional love. So, the intention of my book is to help people remember what their needs are. They are made of love. And we just have stuff that stands in the way of that. And that's really what I help my clients do is remove those blocks, so that they can remember the truth of who they are.
Myrna: I love it. Where can we get a copy of your book and tell us about your website and tell us you know, you're a coach and you do offer personal transformation coaching. So, tell us tell our listeners how they can get in touch with you.
Donna: All of the information can be found on www.Donnabond.com. And my book, of course, is on Amazon and all of the major book retailers out there “Original Wisdom: Harness the Power of the Authentic You.” And periodically I have a masterclass that I offer called empower the authentic you where I teach live, the concepts that I offer in original wisdom.
Child Abuse, and, sexual abuse, Statistics, show a connection between, child abuse, Mental Health, addiction, and depression.
In her book “Call me an addict, war on Women” By Dr Tra Ahia. shares Kreta's story of, child abuse, and sexual abuse, that started with her biological mother. I think this is very rare. Kreta said her mother was a sick person. Her, child abuse, was by her mother. Her mother used to make her kids do sexual acts on her boyfriend and her. Her mother and boyfriend also had sex in front of her and her brothers and sisters. This, abuse, started when she was about 4 years old.
Listen to the full interview here:
Kreta's story of, sexual abuse
Kreta was raped by an older boy around the age of 7.
Kreta's, child abuse, started when she was only 8 or 9 years old when she started smoking weed, crack and sniffing blow. As she got older when she didn't have money, she would perform sexual acts for coke.
Even though she was a good student in school she started ditching school to sleep with older men and eventually dropped out of school.
She started working for a pimp who continued her, sexual abuse, he beat her all the time and had other men rape her and pie on her. After a string of, sexually abusive, relationships She got pregnant several times while still doing drugs. She had two abortions; but decided to keep her third pregnancy – a baby girl.
She went in and out of rehab several times trying to stay clean but always relapsed.
Kreta's story ended the saddest of all 3 stories from the book “Call me an Addict, war Her, strange addiction, was out of control. She got so high one night that she stabbed her baby to death. She got life in prison.
Child Abuse Statistics
Risk for intimate partner violence
Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
Illicit drug abuse
Smoking & drinking at an early age
Depression
Suicide attempts
I want to say that Kreta's mother surprised me; but I have heard, sexual abuse, stories like this one before. I had a coaching client who told me that her mother stopped having sex with her husband and when she was 4 years old gave her to her husband to have sex with. Tyler Perry tried to bring attention to this, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, in his movie Madea Family Reunion .
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70 percent of perpetrators have between 1 and 9 victims.
Child abuse, statistics, show as many as 40 percent of children who are, sexually abused, are abused by older or more powerful children.
Sex offenses are the crimes least likely to involve strangers as perpetrators. Although a smaller percentage of, sex offenders, are women, the majority are male. Sex offenders, are generally NOT “dirty old men” or strangers lurking in alleys. They are typically not obviously mentally ill or retarded. In fact, sex offenders, are usually well known and trusted by the children they victimize, and frequently are members of the family, including fathers and stepfathers, brothers, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins. There is no clear-cut description or profile of a, sex offender. Thus, there is no way to recognize a potential, sex offender, and abuser; and it's often hard to believe that a trusted individual would be capable of abusing children.
Children who disclose their abuse within one month are at a reduced risk for, depression, or substance abuse and, addiction. Believe your kids when they talk to you and LISTEN.
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Why, Addiction and Depression are by products of Child Abuse
Although any type of, addiction, can trigger violence, those most likely to impair judgment, like drug and alcohol, addiction, are most often linked to addiction-related violence. Drug and alcohol use can weaken self-control, it’s not uncommon to see people who are under the influence engaging in behavior they usually wouldn’t if they were sober.
People living with, strange addictions, who commit violent crimes, is usually as a result of intoxication or as a means of obtaining money to finance their habits. According to an article published in Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, more than 75 percent of people who seek treatment for, drug addiction, report having performed acts of violence, including mugging, physical assault and using a weapon to attack another person.
People who suppress negative feelings like anger or, depression, are more likely to drink or use, drugs, to the point of intoxication and exhibit violent behaviors. If you have Pent-up rage and you are using drugs, you are more likely to act violently because loss of self-control can increase your chances to act on your anger.
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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help sexual abuse survivors
Dr Tra Ahia How does CBT help , sexual abuse survivors, to love themselves? What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Evidence is growing that, cognitive-behavioral therapy, (CBT) is an effective treatment for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, including those who have experienced physical, child abuse, and other traumatic events.
Most of the studies that have evaluated Trauma focused-CBT have been well designed. This treatment model represents a synthesis of trauma-sensitive interventions and well-established CBT principles treatment-outcome studies for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and otherwise traumatized children. The therapy was developed to resolve, post-traumatic stress disorder, and, depression, and anxiety symptoms, as well as to address underlying distortions about self-blame, safety, the trustworthiness of others, and the world. The treatment also fits, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and other traumatic experiences into a broader context of children's lives so that their primary identity is not that of a victim.
Child abuse, statistics, show that CBT therapy allows, sexual abuse, victims to learn self-love.
Don’t wait until sexual temptation attacks you before you see it as a formidable force which seeks to destroy you. Its insidious tactic is designed to enslave you into sexual sins and keep you locked into erotic desires. How you perceive sexual temptation in your life, determines how well you will overcome its deceitful force, and walk in total victory.
“Naked and Ashamed, the Battle of Sexual Temptation.” is a Christian self-help book that explains what sexual temptation is, and gives you Biblical scriptures on how to control your sexual desires, and unnatural urges. With chapters such as recognizing the tempter, and rejecting the flesh, you will study strategies on how to recognize situations that tempts you, and learn how to keep your flesh under subjection.
Although we will all be tempted sexually at some time, we can learn from this book on how to refrain from overreacting and falling into sexual bondage. So put on your seatbelt and get ready to be free from all of your unwanted sexual desires and temptations. Order “Naked and Ashamed, The Battle of Sexual Temptation” today! Written by Sheela Fields, now available on Amazon.
Dr Tra I am curious after listening to 100 stories like the ones you told in your book and from all the data you have collected over your 30 years in this space. Why do you think fathers and stepfathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and cousins, abuse, little girls?
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I want to comment on one of the, child abuse, statistics, the one that says 70% of perpetrators have between 1 to 9 victims. I remember my, sexual abuse, It was from a man who I called grandfather, even though he was no relation. He used to tell me to bring my friends, and he would do the same thing to them as he did me. In fact he had a reputation of liking little girls. I never told anyone!
That’s another thing, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, statistics, show, victims never tell.
Here are 5 tips for loving yourself after, child abuse, and, sexual abuse,
Read Positive affirmations
Heal the mind through the body (ie. Boxing, Running, Martial Arts)
Mindful breathing exercises and meditation (stop, breathe and think app)
Channel your pain into creativity ( i.e.journaling)
Ask for help when you need it
Conclusion, Child Abuse, and, Sexual Abuse
Dr Tra, Do you support the, child abuse statistic, that says that if kids who are experiencing trauma of any kind tells someone who offers support, it has a direct and positive effect on the, sexual abuse and addiction connection?
Totally, when you tell someone what is being done to you, you release the shame of thinking you are to blame. You will also get help to cope with the emotions. When you stay silent it eats away at you all your life and then you self-medicate with, drugs, and alcohol and your, sexual abuse, continues into your adult relationships.
Additional Resources on Child Abuse and Sexual Abuse
Welcome to transformation Fridays with coach Myrna, today I want to talk on the subject of, desire – when you, got to have it.
Desire is energy, the, energy of desire, is a force that creates movement towards a desired goal or purpose. The target determines the arrow! When you, desire, something, you think about it all the time and the universe gets to work on manifesting it for you.
When we use the word, desire, we could mean either one of 2 things, the desire, for things, or the desire for sex, sexual desire. In this episode I share tools on how to manifest your, desire for money, and other tangible things.
The concept of a, burning desire, was introduced at the beginning of the book “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill. In the book Hill tells the story of a little girl whose momma sent her to get 50 cents from her uncle. This little girl went and told her uncle my momma would like to have 50 cents. The uncle replied tell your momma I don’t have no 50 cents.
But the little girl did not leave she just waited. Minutes go by and the uncle turns around from what he has been doing and noticed the girl still standing at the door, he says go on now before I take a belt to you. Still the little girl would not leave. Finally, he walks towards her preparing to give her the belt and this little walks towards him looking him straight in the eye and yelled at the top of her lungs “my momma got to have that 50 cents”
The uncle amazed put his hand in his pocket and took out 50 cents and gave it to her.
A, burning desire, what is when you, got to have it. If you, got to have it, you won’t go away when someone tells you no, you won’t throw in the towel at the first failure. You won’t move until you get it.
Sylvester Stallone was broke, that’s usually how good stories start. When you hit rock bottom the only place you can go is up.
Anyway, Sylvester was broke and couldn’t afford heat in his home. One day he decided to go into the library to get warm and someone left a book on the table he was sitting on. He decided to read this book. It was a compilation of the works of Edgar Allan Poe. He devoured the book. He said that the book moved him and helped him to stop thinking about himself and to want to help other people. It made him want to become a writer.
He immediately went home and starting writing movie scripts. He wrote a few screen plays and made a few bucks. One day he happened to watch the Mohamed Ali vs Chuck Wepner fight and was inspired to write the story of Rocky Balboa about a nobody fighter given the “million to one opportunity” to challenge for the heavy weight title. He sat down and wrote this script straight for 20 hours without taking a break.
Then he started pitching the script to producers. He was turned down by several studios until he found one that offered him $150,000 for the script, but Stallone had one condition he had to star in the film as Rocky. The studio said no way we are not going to spend millions to produce a film and place an unknown guy who talked funny to play the lead. They said no way Sylvester said, no deal. His desire to play the Rocky was non-negotiable he had to have it.
They kept upping the price they went all the way up to $450,000 and he still said no. Think of that little standing girl by the door not moving until she got her 50 cents.
Stallone would not budge his, burning desire, was to play the lead as Rocky and he had to have it. Meanwhile he was so broke that he had to sell his dog for $50 and he stole his wife’s jewelry and pawned them for money.
But just like the uncle the studio finally said yes, and the rest is history. Sylvester Stallone got his goal to be a movie star because he had to have it. The film went on to make history scoring 10 Academy awards, winning best picture and triggering one of the most financially successful movie series in history. It cost Stallone $15,000 and a part in the movie for him to buy back his dog.
My own personal story was the same, my, desire, to become an American Citizen was a, burning desire. I had to have it and I didn’t take no for an answer. I applied 3 times for permanent residence and the third time which was an act of total bravery, the immigration officer said to me it looks like you really, desire, this benefit and gave it to me! I did really want this benefit. America was my promised land, the land of milk and honey, the land of generational increase!
When we use the word, desire, we could mean either one of 2 things the need for things, or the desire for sex, sexual desire.
Let’s take a deep dive into both of these types of, desire.
Starting with the, desire for things let’s look at the most common goal. The, desire for money, or riches. How do we transform our, desire for money, into its physical counterpart, money, in our hands
I just finished reading the book “Think and Grow Rich” for the 5th time and the author gives us 6 steps to alchemize your, desire for money, into money in your hand.
6 steps to alchemize your desire for money
Step # 1 Name your, desire – do you want a million dollars, do you want $50,000 dollars what is the amount of money you want? It can’t be general like, I want to be rich.
Step # 2 – Select a time frame you, got to have it, by. For example, I need a million dollars in my bank account by the time I am 65 years old.
Step # 3 – What are you going to do to get this money. What service are you going to give in exchange for this money. Most people that dream of a million dollars dream of winning the lottery. This is not a bad, people win the lottery every week, but that, desire, can’t be alchemized because you are not exchanging service for pay.
If you have ever gone on YouTube, you will see literally thousands of examples of this. Every Ad is about someone selling you a course on how they made millions, and they want to share the secrets and steps with you. That is what they are offering in exchange for money.
Step # 4 – Create a plan to get this money. Let’s say you decided you want to have a million dollars in your bank account by the time you are 65 years old, and you want to make this money by selling a course on how to start an online business. This is the stage to create the plan. How are you going to find your audience, once you define your audience, how are you going to get them to click your link to your squeeze page. How will you sell your course? Will you do a webinar or workshop? Create a plan to get this money.
Step # 5 – Write it down. A plan in your head does nothing to alchemize, desire. Writing it down gives it form. Thoughts are formless, a plan on paper starts the wheels turning to bring it from the formless to form. That is money in your hands.
Step -# 6 See yourself having your desire. See yourself with a million dollars in your bank account. How is your life different, what are your doing, who are you do it with? If you plan to retire at 65 see yourself relaxing, traveling the world or just sipping margaritas in your back yard with a view of the mountains.
These are the steps according to Napoleon Hill to alchemize your, desire for money.
The book talks about the day he woke up after 15 years of marriage and no longer had a, sexual desire, for his wife.
He goes through the, alchemy of desire, what makes you, desire, someone and what happens when you no longer, desire, them.
He said he was still madly in love with his wife, but his, desire, for her had died. A man needs, sexual desire, to make his body parts work. The body is the true engine of life. When a man loses, sexual desire, for a woman, when this happens women ask is it me? Is it something I did? Was it something I said? The answer is I don’t know.
We don’t know why we fall in love; we don’t know why we have, sexual desire, it just happens and when it goes away, we don’t know why. What we do know is that when sex leaves a marriage it is over.
Desire is energy. Behind every, goal, is the need to feel good! Everything you, desire, is because you think it will bring you some form of pleasure.
There are 7 major positive emotions. Desire heads up the list.
The seven positive emotions are:
1. Desire
2. Faith
3. Love
4. Sex
5. Enthusiasm
6. Romance
7. Hope
Positive emotions enable the, Law of Attraction, to bring you like thoughts. Here is the process that starts with the, energy of desire.
You, desire, something, then you package it with positive emotion. Thoughts are energy travelling at a high rate of vibration. Thoughts that have been modified or stepped up by any of the major, positive emotions, vibrate at a much higher rate than ordinary thought.
When you think of your, goal, package it with, positive emotions, and see yourself walking in those, positive emotions, like happiness, gratitude, success. And when you tell yourself you, got to have it, the universe says okay!
Conclusion
Thanks for spending time with me today. I appreciate your time. Tune in next week for another episode of, transformation Friday, with coach Myrna. Until next time Namaste
Failure, leaves clues so a coach can recognize your, failure symptoms. Most of us run on auto pilot. Science shows that 95% of humans operate on a subconscious level, and only 5% of us are aware and conscious of our daily actions. One of the reasons coaching is so successful is that it allows you to “know thyself” a little better by revealing your, blind spots, or areas of, unconscious patterns, including why we fail.
Most of us are unable to clearly state our abilities. We overestimate them, we underestimate them, we become complacent; we allow them to decay. Occasionally we are unaware that they exist. It is important you recognize your, failure symptoms
1: The most common cause of, failure, is to, blame, others. Don't blame me, Victims, have no power, when you, blame, others for your, failure in life, you are saying that you have no power.
It is said that the difference between witchcraft and medicine is that when a man falls sick, witchcraft makes him ask ” who did this to me” medicine makes him ask “what did this to me”.
When we, blame, others for our, failures, we do not recognize that no one has the power to make us fail, you must accept responsibility for your part and learn from it.
Do you Blame Yourself?
2: The second cause of, failure, is the tendency to, blame oneself. We tell ourselves things like “why was I such a fool, what an easy mark I am, why do I always put my foot in my mouth etc.” For example, your marriage fails and you, blame yourself, for choosing the man in the first place. You, blame yourself, for not recognizing the red flags.
How to stop self blame: – Instead of, blaming yourself, you should tell yourself that you did your best with the information you had at the time and that it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Blaming yourself plants deep feelings of inferiority and insecurity which will later strike up like weeds to dominate the garden of your mind. Excessive, self-blame, opens the door to guilt. Self-blame, also closes the door to, self-development.
How to set goals
3: The 3rd cause of, failure, has to do with, setting goals. Having no goals or having low goals. Dr William Menninger says “a fellow must know where he wants to go, if he is going to get anywhere.”
No goals are bad enough, but, low goals, are worse. Like, setting goals, to get the highest number on video games. That is an example of a, low goal.
Happiness is the pursuit of a goal or purpose, if you have, no goals, then you are a, failure.
How to set goals: choosing the wrong goal
4: The 4th common, cause of failure, is choosing the, wrong goal. Imagine that you have the, goal, to become a social worker, you graduated with your Bachelor’s Degree and your Master’s Degree and then worked for 20 years as a social worker; but you get to your 50’s and realize that what you really wanted to be was a politician and work for the citizens of your country to make policies than benefit all. After reaching the fifth nor 6th decade it is too late to turn back. That is why it is a good idea to understand your passions and listen to your heart early in life to determine the direction you should go.
Taking a short cut
5: The 5th, failure symptom, I want to leave you with today – is taking a, short cut.
An electric current will follow the line of least resistance; but a bulb glows because there is resistance.
Taking the short cut, many of us choose the shortest, easiest quickest way to success, only to discover that success was illusory; the bulb did not glow. No conquest can be achieved without hard work– no conquest can give true pleasure if it has not required hard work.
My grandmother would say there are, no short cuts in life, when you take the path of lease resistant you usually find yourself at the wrong destination and have to start all over.
https://youtu.be/UDZvuXqZDQ0
Conclusion
These are the 5 most common, causes of failure, if you become conscious of them then you can recognize them when they show up and make a better choice.
Never blame anyone for your life, you are in control.
Do not blame yourself, we were not given a manual at birth, we do as best as we can with the information we have.
Goal setting – Happiness is working towards a goal, set goals and work towards them.
Check in with yourself thorough out your life to see if you are getting any fulfillment from your career, so you won’t get to your 50’s and find out that you chose the wrong path.
Finally, don’t take the, short cut, they rarely get you there faster.
Lena Derhally, author of the Facebook Narcissist shares what is, narcissism, what is the difference between, narcissists, psychopaths, and other personality disorders. Lena shares her research on why, narcissists, commit, mass shootings, and why they are using, social media, to get attention.
Lena Derhallyis a licensed psychotherapist certified in Imago Relationship Therapy. She was formerly a clinical instructor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the George Washington School of Medicine, where she mentored medical students. Lena is passionate about antiwar movements and social justice, and Author of the Book The Facebook Narcissist A comprehensive guide for understanding how narcissism on social media impacts our mental health, how to protect ourselves and our children from those affects as well as from narcissists, and how to use social media more mindfully.
Myrna: How did you transition from a psychotherapist into behavioral sciences? Do you have a personal story?
Lena: I got really interested in, narcissism criminology, when they called it, personality disorders. Because when I was in my 20s, I was in a relationship with a, narcissist. So that was very verbally emotionally abusive, and it really informed my career path and I'm in a private practice now. But what I really wanted to do. I used to work with cancer patients and I work with mentally ill homeless people. And then I transitioned to working in couples work, but part of what I do with couples and individuals is I help them identify red flags and, abusive relationships.
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Narcissistic abusive relationships
And it's always been a passion of mine, especially with women of course. Men can be in, abusive relationships, but really to help women recognize that. There's a lot of, abusive relationships, out there. I think more than that even reported, and so it's really just been a passion of mine, just to help people and not just in, relationships, as we move to the topic of, mass shooting, for media narcissism. My first book was a true crime, about a family annihilator who murdered his pregnant wife and toddler daughter so he could be with another woman.
And that book was also to sort of break down for people because he showed no warning. They really wanted to break it down. So, people sort of see well how does something like this happen? How does somebody have this mask on for so long and then take it off and become really evil? I sort of explore these, narcissistic, people in hopes that we can educate people because I think protecting ourselves from these toxic people is one of the fundamental skills of life especially for younger people.
Myrna: I absolutely love this topic. And it's really interesting, but I became psychological linked to, narcissism, after reading a book called “The Psychopath Next Door.” And that story resonated with me. I read that maybe even like 20 years ago, but I always resonate with that story of a how a, psychopath, and, narcissism.
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I'm not even sure what the difference is. Between the two them, but how they can just plan to destroy you. Like just if you said this gentleman that killed his pregnant wife and, and child because he wanted something else and to me, that's the link for the, narcissism, and, psychopaths, because they can destroy you without a conscience without a thought.
Just so that maybe they can get to the other side or whatever. So, I have I have actually loved this topic. I don't do enough of them on the show, but I talk to people every day about, narcissism, and I'm glad that you as you said, a lot of people are these, relationships. And I want to say beautiful, but it's not really beautiful.
I want to say the amazing thing about these people. Is that oh you know, we're gonna get into the basic, narcissist, and the, mass shooters. But the, narcissist, that I know that I've heard about or read about who charming, they're beautiful, they're the life of the party and you would not yes, yeah, yeah. Do you want?
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One of the important things you brought up is that there's a common theme with, narcissist sociopath, psychopath, and that's low to no empathy and that is working with the ability to destroy other important content just to get ahead. Even if it's just throwing someone under the bus at work. It doesn't have to be a murderer, but it's just the, lack of conscience, no empathy, and they don't feel remorse and I think it's really hard for people.
I call quote unquote, normal people or people who are not who don't have these, antisocial traits. to even understand that somebody can't feel remorse or empathy. But that's again, that's why we're talking about this is because you don't you want to cut those people off. You don't want to have anything to do with self-protection.
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The connection between mass shooting and social media
Myrna: So right off the bat, I want to get into the, social media, stuff so I'm questions I have here is what is the connection between, mass shootings, and social media breaks it down for us?
Lena: It's a great question, and there's a lot of connections. I'm gonna break them down. One, you know, the social media culture that we have today especially, we're looking at these, mass shooters, they're getting younger, they're getting deadlier, and 2022 alone, almost all of them are under the age of 22. So, one of the things they're very much inundated and enmeshed in the, social media culture. In fact, I found there's a counterterrorism expert is John Cohen. Who said almost every, mass shooting, attack in the past few years, was inspired by online communities and threats were made online as well.
So, one social media is inspired by the, mass shooting, and all of us some of the examples unfortunately, we're still fresh from some of the most prolific, mass shootings, we've seen between revolving buffalo, just to name a few. And so, we'll start you know, with Buffalo all the evidence we have.
I don't use their name because again, today with social media what they're interested in is notoriety and, and so this is why we're seeing them live streaming, mass shooting, you know, they don't cover their face, they go in there with a death wish they know that maybe they're going to commit suicide or they're gonna get killed, but they want me talking about them and social media.
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It's what, narcissism, is all about attention seeking, grandiosity and title that they think they're better than other people and, and the, lack of empathy. And so, social media, has given people with this wish to flip their misery and hatred and rage on other people that audiences really want the audience. And so that's really dangerous.
But he was also found media people and one of the things I researched in my book was this concept of, white supremacist, radicalizing young men online and one of the ways they do this is they start off a little bit vague. They have the team so they show that the spicy humor, but they're actually very effective, and they're, racist.
When we're talking about really serious issues like, racism, we should just be able to say anything about any group of people cuz it's a joke, you know, so that's the way they start. You try to break these socially isolated, lonely young men who have other kinds of issues going on. And then now they have the community on the dark web.
Myrna: It's almost like the drug dealers recruiting lonely people in the olden days.
Lena: So, imagine now the network's they have, it's almost like international. So, a lot of the times these people in these networks are egging them on to do these kinds of things. And so now here they are, or they want to impact the community.
They want the sort of badge of honor. I had this quote from the shooter from Buffalo, who, you know, we have the information that I think that he was radicalized online. I believe it's 2021, He wrote, it's time to stop shit posting it's time to make a real life effort. I will carry out an attack. He said this is December 2021. So, again, I'm seeing these killers that are putting their attention on, social media.
Myrna: Why do you think the Buffalo shooter targeted the Black community? How did, racism, get into, mass shooting?
Lena: So if you think about something like, racism, and, narcissism; narcissism is an entitlement, exploitation and, lack of empathy. There's a hallmark of what it actually is. And, racism, is all about, I don't know. And the, lack of empathy, I am better than better than you, and you are lower than me, you know, and so I think he probably already had these traits and then online communities exacerbated, and bring it out and really kind of normalized it.
Myrna: So that's I understand, narcissism. Why does, narcissists, now go out and kill a bunch of people? Can you make the connection? Why is the, narcissist, a, mass murderer, all of a sudden?
Lena: I believe that the university has done a lot of research on violence and a lot of my work too. I focus on violence prevention. And his work found that the majority or I say a significant majority or significant number of, mass shooters, are what you would call, narcissists. And, looking at, again, FBI profilers and counterterrorism experts and people who profile the, mass shooters, all agree that the common theme here is the word inclusion as well.
And so there's a score to settle with the higher levels in rage and I feel that something was done to me and I'm angry. That's why another connection that we see with these shooters is they've been bullied. There's another part when we're just talking about empathy as a society. I think we need to do so much more work just on bullying in general because I also think that bullying is part of what pushes people over the edge and makes them want to settle the score. And, you know, again, there's no excuse for what they do ever.
There's a type of, narcissism, called, covert narcissism, where there's a lot of anger and rage about not being recognized for how special you are. So, I think they are really like, I'm going to show you that I am special. I'm so angry and I don't have empathy and I'm just going to go take out my anger on people and cause pain. There's a lot of times also, there's another common theme with a lot of, mass shooters, and that can also be sexual assault. Different variations of abuse or drugs in their home of origin.
Bullying is usually the trigger for these mass shootings
Myrna: So why is it let’s say that you're an aggrieved person being bullied by high school students? Why do you go to the elementary schools and kill babies?
Lena: I think, you know, again, that's going back to the, narcissistic, behavior they want to be recognized so what's going to be the biggest thing? They want other people to suffer and what's going to bring them the most attention than killing people’s children. You've all seen what happened at Sandy Hook. I think that was the worst thing you've ever seen in this country.
Myrna: Yes, I agree Sandy Hook was brutal, so was Parkland and Columbine.
Narcissistic relationships
Myrna: You started off our conversation today by saying that you were in a, narcissistic relationship, in your early 20’s and one of the things that you do now is to counsel women on how to recognize the signs and get out of these relationships. So, what are some of the signs and personality traits of a, narcissist, in a relationship?
Lena: When you're in a romantic situation, or even a friend, right? They just really lay on the flattery when we want to read you over in, narcissism, world. We call it rock climbing. And so, this is always a big red flag. I tell people like if after one week they tell you they love you and want to move in, that’s a red flag.
Myrna: I'm laughing because I always quote Halle Berry, she said her mother told her that “anything that looks too good to be true usually is.” She had a really bad relationship with David Justice.
Lena: Yeah. And so yeah, there is manipulation. And I think most of us actually kind of know. Some people get a weird feeling about that a friend who does this type of love bombing. Narcissists, are like Jekyll and Hyde. There are two personas and this is also a dynamic for, abusive relationships. It doesn't have to be physical abuse, there's emotional verbal abuse as well. I think whenever you're walking on eggshells around someone and you feel anxious all the time, it is time to leave.
You never know if they're gonna like flip on you or that, that's a big sign. The gaslighting which is like making the reality telling you Oh, you're too sensitive, that they'll say something really horrible to you. And then they'll get upset and you're the problem.
You're the problem, you're too sensitive. You need to go to a therapist. They'll make you almost go into a place where you're questioning your sanity. So, there's all kinds of things they do. Financial abuse, controlling, they isolate you. A lot of times, narcissistic, people don't want you to be around your friends and family.
Myrna: Yeah, I agree. Because you know, they know once you start talking to more people and more people are like, hey, are you sure you really wanted to stay in this relationship?
Lena: They also don't want you to leave because, narcissists, they love attention. So basically, the motivations are attention seeking, feeling special, but also things like little, empathy, because they're so centered on themselves. They don't have, empathy, for others.
The entitlement, I'm better than other people. I deserve more than other people. I deserve special treatment, special privileges and the exploitation which is why you have so many people in real positions of power from politicians to people like Harvey Weinstein. That is true. exploitation.
Myrna: Wow, so we know that it's hard to get out of, abusive relationships, because you're kind of mentally tied to this person and that manipulation. How do you coach people to know that their boyfriend or girlfriend is a, narcissist, to get out and run?
Lena: I'm also a couple’s therapist. I will get people who actually can be helped, and sometimes I'll have people call me and say, oh, my mom or my friend thinks my husband or my boyfriend is a, narcissist, and I'll get some more information and usually I'm like, I don't do couples therapy with, narcissists, because it doesn't really work. I mean, it can but it depends on the scale of, narcissism.
Myrna: So tell us about your book “The Facebook Narcissist” why you wrote it and I love your first book “ My Daddy is a Hero” you can also talk about that as well.
Lena: The Facebook narcissist is a guide to identify and protect yourself and your loved ones from, social media narcissism, and it was really inspired to help my kids. They're not teenagers they are in elementary school, but close inspired by this idea of everything we're getting bombarded with on social media and what it's doing to our culture from influencers and celebrities to Family Feud to catfishing from fidelity to cyber bullying, cyber stalking, trolling. You know, there's a chapter about false narrative.
What does it mean when people create a narrative on social media? How that links to, narcissism. So, each chapter is a different theme and how, social media, is linked to, narcissism, and then one of the last chapters is about, racism, politics, social media, and how that leads to, narcissism, as well. And so, it's just a comprehensive guide about how, narcissism, on social media is impacting all of us and how it's consuming it and what does it mean when we're consuming all this content that's being put out by, narcissists.
So, it's not just who hears it on social media, but what is it doing my mental health when I'm exposed to all of it? Whether it's vanity, whether it's bullying, trolling, like what is it doing to me and my family, and how do I want to use it mindfully? How do I want to raise my children to use it in a way? So, it's basically just a guide, giving people a lot of information and there's questions at the end of every chapter that makes people think about how they want to use social media for them and their kids.
There's a couple of parenting chapters. I think one of the interesting is chapter two, how much should we should be posting about our kids on social media and so I'm not telling them what to do but giving them a sense of the consequences. Okay, there's a lot of case studies and it's even here about real, narcissists, on social media. So, it's, it's got everything in there.
And then my first book is a true crime. And it's called “My daddy as a hero.” How Chris Watts didn’t show any traits of a, narcissist. It’s about the Watts family murders which took place in Colorado in 2018. Where this man again, opposite actually, and this is why I wanted to write about it because he had all the opposite traits of a, narcissist, except with a little bit closer look it was there all the time. He was very shy, quiet, from birth all his life. His wife was the more controlling one in the relationship.
And then he just again, he met this woman at work and his wife took the kids to be family in North Carolina for five weeks and within that time period, he decided, again, going from love bombing to devalue and discard, he decided that his family had no use. And it wouldn't be easier to kill them than to divorce the wife. I mean, it was a brutal killing
So that was a narrative storytelling about this crime, victimized either their relationships, they even have now had all their text messages and transcripts. And so, I told the narrative story, and then there's a psychological analysis of the different types of, narcissism, and analyzing him and making the case that you know, essentially a, psychopath, and a, narcissist, that was a good of hiatus from those places.
I'm on Instagram @ therapywithLena and my websites is www.LenaDerhally.com You can also connect with me on LinkedIn.
God knows the, desires of your heart, even the ones you don’t think will ever come through. This is illustrated in the bible story of the prophet Elisha and the wealthy Shunem woman.
A wealthy Shunem woman invited the prophet, Elisha, to her home one day for a meal. So, whenever he passed her way again, he would stop in to have something to eat.
One day the woman said to her husband, I am sure the man who stop in from time to time is a holy man, let’s build a small room for him on the roof and furnish it, so he will have a place to stay when he comes by.
When, Elisha, and his assistant came by the next time, he went up to his new room to rest. Appreciative of the woman’s kindness, he wanted to give her something in return. He said to her “We appreciate the kind concern you have shown us. What can we do for you?” She responded I don’t need anything, my family takes good care of me.
We all need something even the things we don't ask for
But, Elisha, figured there must be something she needs. So, he asked his servant what he thinks she needed. His servant said “She doesn’t have a son and her husband is an old man.”
Elisha, then told his servant to call the woman then he told her “Next year at this time you will be holding a son in your arms” She responded, please don’t get my hopes up.
Sure enough, the woman soon became pregnant and by that time the following year she had a son, just as, Elisha, had said.
What is the principle taught in this, bible story? As you know the, Bible, is a blueprint for life.
First principle, is if you are blessed with wealth you should share with those who have less. You should, give to the poor, your church etc.
The second principle and the one I want to focus on today is that God knows what you want. He knows the, desires of your heart, even the ones you don’t think will ever come through. The, desires, of this woman’s heart was to have a child, but her husband was old and she was probably old as well, so she didn’t think it was possible. She put it out of her mind.
The bible says in Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the, desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
When the man of God asked the Shunem woman what can I do for you she responded nothing. She had all the, money, she needed, but how many of you know that, money, does not fill the hole in your heart.
Do you want to see your child go to college but he/she have a learning disability?
Whatever it is, if you live right, give to the poor, God will give you the, desires of your heart. You don’t even have to ask him.
Several years ago, the, desires of my heart, was to become an American citizen. I did ask God, but decided to take matters into my own hands and made a mess of it. Then one day I walked onto a train and there standing at the door was my future husband. He loved me, married me and sponsored me and my kids to become American Citizens. So don’t think the, desires of your heart, are impossible – with God all things are possible.
So, ask, seek, knock and you will receive.
https://youtu.be/xBOA_tWqvAI
Conclusion
Whatever it is you are wanting, whatever you are asking Him for, God hears you. If he does not seem to be answering, do not give up. Everything will happen in his timing. God knows what is best for you and He hears the, desires of your heart. He will give you the, desires of your heart, when the time is right. Have patience and trust in the Lord.
The Shunammite woman’s heartfelt hospitality to, Elisha, and simple, sincere faith led to an amazing series of events. Elisha, was certainly blessed. And God abundantly blessed the woman’s life during a difficult period in Israel. Still today, God often uses His people’s humble acts of service to bless both the giver and the receiver.
Thanks for tuning in to this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. Until next time Namaste
When Karen Johnson's 27 year old son died of a, heroin overdose, she started believing in, life after death, when her son showed up in his human form waving at her at the airport. In her book “Living Grieving” Karen shares how communicating with her son in the, afterlife, helped her live with her, grief, and start her work as a, shaman, helping survivors and spirits deal with, life after death.
Karen V Johnson’s fast paced professional career as a Federal Judge came to an abrupt halt when she lost her 27-year-old son, Ben to a, heroin overdose. Rather than grieve in a way that made people around her comfortable, she did the unexpected. She quit her lifetime appointment career, sold her house with all her belongings, and went on a 2 ½ year journey around the world finding a spiritual and healing practice along the way.
Karen didn’t think she could ever find her way out of despair, but she found a process that works and shares her journey of transformation with others so they can heal too. Her work is structured around, shamanic, practices, mindfulness, and the journey of the Four winds Medicine Wheel. Karen blends her personal story with meaningful experiences, offering exercises related to each of the four practices of becoming unstuck, becoming lighter, awakening, and creating a new life.
Ben's Life After Death
Myrna: Can you share with the listeners your, grief, journey and the death of your son from a, heroin overdose. It's a powerful story.
Karen: Ben, my son was 27 years old and he was struggling as many young men are trying to find himself trying to decide if he's going to try to start a business go back to school, many things. And so, I was going on a vacation to South Korea for a week and I thought to myself, when I get back, we're going to have the big conversation. I don't care how uncomfortable it is. And so I went to South Korea, and one day in the afternoon, I just wasn't feeling well. and into the evening and then all of a sudden, I get this call, and they hang up.
I just had this feeling of dread. And so, I called the number and the detective answers and I say, you just called me I am Karen Johnson. He said, yes. where are you? And I said, I'm in South Korea. And he said, I have some bad news for you. I'm sorry, your son is dead from a, heroin overdose. Ben had gone to a party with them some other young guys, and they got drunk and they decided, hey, we're going to try, heroin, in all their 27-year-old wisdom. My son was 6′ 8, 260 pounds and they gave him too much.
And he died almost instantly. He and I were very close and it just rocked my world. They say that the death of a child and an unexpected death are two worst ones to survive. So, when you have an unexpected death of a child, you're in a bad place. But that's the bad part of it. The other side of it is you know, it's always the blessing and the curse. The Yin and the Yang. So, the other side of it was so the next morning, I couldn't even get out of South Korea.
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Life after death: Seeing Ben in his human form
Believing in, life after death, started for me at the airport trying to return to the States. It was nighttime when I got the call, so sitting in the airport in South Korea, the next morning I see my son Ben in front of me, just like he is in life. And he's smiling, his big old grin and then he fades away. So, I desperately frantically call my ex-husband, his father and say, you gotta check. I think he's alive. I think he's in that refrigerator and he's trying to get out. I think he's alive. You gotta go check. And so, they go check and call me back and very kindly say, no, I'm sorry he's gone. And so that for me was a doorway.
Death. is always a doorway, it was the doorway into believing in, life after death. And it's something that I did not believe in before. I didn't have much of a spiritual practice. I would have said something like alive is alive, dead is dead. And so, my son Benjamin, woke me up to life on the other side, or, life after death, and he continues to do so to this day.
Myrna: That is one of the reasons I wanted to speak to you. I am wearing a sweater right now, but I'm getting chills. You said that was the first time that Ben appeared to you in his human form. The other times you said he was flapping around so I assume he appeared as a bird. I follow Sadhguru and he talks a lot about, life after death. And he said, whenever you die suddenly, from like, suicide, or a bullet or maybe like a, heroin overdose, or something, then your, spirit, can't seem to find peace. So, do you think that is why Ben stuck around after his, death?
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Karen: Yeah, after Ben passed, I was in a state. My, grief, was so profound, I was so distraught that my bedroom was upstairs, I couldn't get up the steps. So, I would be on the steps and I would be crying and screaming for Ben until I threw up. I was throwing up blood. I was truly a mess and I could feel him around me. I knew that he was around me just frantic. I couldn't hear what he was saying although I could sense him. I couldn't hear him so I did what my logical mind would never have done before I googled, mediums. To be exact, mediums, in Fairfax County, Virginia and this whole page popped up.
And so, one person's picture looked a little bit larger than the others. And I thought, well, I'll take that one. It turns out this is a way, spirit, has been guiding me now to buy a house and to do many things. Something looks different. And that's how, spirit, communicates because we don't always hear the words. We can't always translate what, spirits, are saying. And so, I went to a, medium, about three weeks after he passed and I said, look he came in right behind me. He's standing over there in the corner.
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Seeking out a Medium to communicate with spirit
Can you tell me what he's saying? I can't hear him. And so, we had a wonderful session. And she told me things that really resonated because it sounded like him. Something like Mom, it was a boneheaded move, and things like that. That just sounded like him. And so, after it was all finished, he said, you know, you might have some abilities yourself because most of my clients have no idea that their loved one is right there in the room with them and there is, life after death. So that was sort of the intro for me to begin studying, life after death, and, spirituality.
Myrna: Yeah, I think you said that you were Clair-sentience. I like what the, medium, said, spirits, are around us all the time, but a lot of us can't feel them. I heard that one of the reasons that we can't communicate with, spirits, is because when you die, your energy is at a higher frequency, and, spirits, has to lower their frequency in order for us to sense them or communicate with them and most of them don’t know how to do that. Is that true?
Karen: That's my experience. It's sort of like when you go to a Buddhist temple or you go into the Catholic Church or any church, they're singing, there's smoke, there's prayer. It's all a way of changing the vibration and the energy.
I think Ben’s energy couldn't dissipate until he was able to reassure me, because my being frantic, that he was okay. I think you stay stuck and in trauma, it prevents, spirits, from fully moving on and doing what they need to do on the other side. Yeah, because they are watching us, they're seeing how you are dealing with, grief, and people say well if they go to heaven or nirvana or wherever you think that place is, how can they come back. But it's not prison. So, they're allowed to come back and forth easily and sometimes they're a little stuck in between worlds, and they need help.
Myrna: Does Ben still come back and forth?
Karen: Oh, yeah. So, you know, I became a, shaman. I do, shamanic healing, part of, shamanic healing, is helping people to die and helping, spirits, to crossover in the other world. I help, spirits, transition to, life after death. And so, I helped Ben to cross over and he comes back and forth. I'll call him if I have a young person who's committed, suicide, or sudden death or something. Sometimes, suicides, get a little stuck because there's so much bad talk about, suicide, that they're going to hell and all this kind of stuff. And so, they're afraid to cross over and the, after life.
They don't know what to be, so I can call Ben and he'll say, hey, man, come with me. I'll show you the ropes. I'll show you it's beautiful on the other side, you have nothing to fear and then they're able to cross over to the, after life, peacefully. So, we would kind of work together.
Myrna: People have lost a lot of people over the, pandemic, and I've had some interviews on the show with wife’s losing spouses. I've actually never had one with a mother losing a son. But the, grief, is profound. So, what kind of solace can we have? Should we be scared when we feel our loved one’s presence? What kind of advice you can give on that?
Karen: Yeah, so I think sometimes people say, I'd love to see my loved one but it I find it scary at the same time. I really don't want them appearing. So, if you have that kind of dynamic going on, I think they don't want to appear. A lot of times we're scared of our loved ones after they die. I don't think before I saw Ben, that I would have said I wanted him to show up, but he just kind of showed up. So, I think a lot of that goes on and it just depends how they show themselves to you.
Myrna: You went to the, medium, three weeks after Ben died. Did you find that your, grief, started to settle down after you could communicate with him? I know you're still grieving seven years after his death, but did the intensity subside?
Karen: The intensity of my, grief, somewhat subsided.
Myrna: You said that, shamanism, allowed you to move through your, grief, on your healing journey. So, tell us what, shamanism, is.
Karen: About nine months after Ben passed, I had been in the spiritual world and learning things and growing and I had gone to an evolutionary astrologer who said, hey, I had another woman who had a reading like yours that became a, shaman. I went to Mr. Google and searched for, shaman, and Mr. Google said, try the Four Winds. I contacted their office and three weeks later I'm on a plane to Joshua Tree California.
I got there and I just loved it. That was the beginning of the, south direction, of the, medicine wheel. The, south direction, of the, medicine wheel, is where you learn to shed your past, the way that a serpent sheds its skin. So, we're looking at all our old wounds and things that are bothering us in trouble. These are ways of thinking and being all those things and we're learning how to work with that how to let it go. A process called elimination. So that's the first feeling medicine that we learned in the south direction.
Myrna: Okay, so they teach you how to shed your skin and how does, shamanism, do that? Do you do it by meditation? Do you do it by coaching?
Shamanism works with luminous energy to help with grief
Karen: The, shaman, work is working with the, luminous energy field, and we have a, luminous energy field, because when someone's alive it’s vibrant, and when someone's gone, it's just not there. We have this field of energy around us. And so, what we do as, shamans, is learn to work with this, luminous energy field. And by the way, shamanism, is not a religious practice. We have, shamans, that are priests and rabbis, all sorts of people trained in using, energy medicine, to help people and so we do it by process called elimination.
Then we have what we call, medicine stones, and we use our, medicine stones, to help people heal the heart, we blow into our own wounds. And we work with them in different ways to energize these, medicine stones, and then other people can blow their wounds into the stones and then we use a process where we allow them to breathe in, breathe out. You know, the breath is a metaphor for, shamanic, work. So, we're breathing in newness and freshness and breathing out staleness and old ways.
So, we're allowing them to breathe and release with a, medicine stone, on one of their, chakras. And then at the end of this process, we open to coaching. If you look at the pictures of the Christ and saints and the Buddha, all have this halo around them. So, we reach up into our Halo and open it up. And then we bring this divine light down into the person’s, chakra.
So, they've released heaviness, and we're replacing it with divine light. And it's profoundly healing so that's how, shamans, work with energy.
Myrna: Can you take us through the other three, shamanic, directions?
Karen: So, the, south direction, and then we moved to the, west direction. The West has to do with death and dying and, fear of death. Most of us are really afraid of, death, and dying, ours and people that we love. And so, we work with that and sometimes people have energies and entities that we learn to extract and take out in the west.
And then in the, north direction, we move to, hummingbird medicine. The West medicine is, Jaguar medicine, Jaguar who fearlessly calls whatever is dead and dying in the jungle and so we want to be like the Jaguar impeccable and calling whatever's dead and dying within us. Then we move to, hummingbird medicine, and hummingbird teach us stillness in motion. It's little wings are flapping and it's still.
Karen: Looking for food and looking for The Sweetest Nectar. Hummingbirds feast on nectar. They don't go to the dung heap. They don't go there. They go to the nectar of life. Right? So that's that metaphor for drinking only from the sweetest nectar of life. So, hummingbird medicine, and then we end up with, Eagle medicine Eagle.
Eagles fly high. So you know Eagles have been the standard for the United States somebody that that flies high. It's the only bird that flies over all the storms of life always looking for clearing and it has to do with destiny. So these direction in, Eagle medicine, has to do with finding your highest destiny, flying high being able to fly high over obstacles.
Myrna: That's beautiful. I love it. What are some, mindfulness, tips that can help us with, grief and loss?
Karen: When I talked about my book is the journey of the bereaved and the journey of, grief, is through transition, resurrection and rebirth and that's the same process our loved ones go through. So their transition is from their physical form to the spiritual one. They resurrect on the other side. After a while they're either reborn or maybe recycled into a new life or reborn into their after life.
And so the, grief, this is our special journey because we go through transformation from having this person to not having this person. And then after a while, if if we can move some of this energy we can have this opportunity to resurrect to look around and say, Okay, so now what next? And then finally to get to the rebirth part where we actually use the energy of, grief, to create a new life out of the ashes of the old one which seems like a really unbelievable thing.
But when you think about other big events in life, like parenthood, and marriage, we know they have transformative energy. We know that life is never the same, life is gonna end with, grief. In our culture we want to avoid, death, because we associate it with sadness and despair. And so people that are grieving are often told, it's time to move on. It's time to get over it. Let's not talk about that.
So oftentimes, people become even more stuck in their, grief, because they become isolated and alone and they know that will make people uncomfortable. What I'd like people to know is that, grief, is a journey. It's not a one time thing and it has no time frame and your journey is going to be different than anybody else's.
Never say to a grieving person, it's time to move on. It's time to just just let them be. Let them be, and allow them to go on this journey. So that they can use these practices.
Alchemizing the energy of grief
The, south direction, helps people shed their, grief. Each each direction has four practices associated what mindfulness things that people have heard in other contexts. So we talk about non judgement. So one of the practice non judgement who are you judging and who's judging you? And when I ask people to approach these practices in a very ceremonial way, because we want to get out of our every day, reptilian brains.
Indigenous, alchemy, means native or inherent desire for, transformation. And I think we as humans are really hardwired for, transformation, and change. And when we keep ourselves stuck in, grief, that energy stays stuck in our body and it can make us sick. Years later, we can come up with big illnesses because we have so much unresolved, grief.
So what I like to suggest for people is to really work with these practices, each one they're 16. And so if you really deeply do the work and take it to spirit there can be profound change that will enable you then to go to a party, have fun, maybe go on a date or whatever you choose, but we have to do a little spiritual work first.
Myrna: Tell us about your book “Living Grieving using energy medicine, alchemize grief and loss.” Why did you write it? I know you wanted to share the story of your son.
Karen: So I wrote the book after I went on my spiritual journey and beginning shamanism. I ended up selling my home and all my possessions and I went on two and a half year trip around the world, trying to understand, grief and loss. It just seems so incomprehensible to me. It's like this big elephant and how do you deal with this?
And and so I really thought at the beginning, I would just be writing a blog. You can find the book “Living Grieving” on Amazon. I do, shamanic, work I help people with, death, and dying people that are in the process of dying or people that have passed on. I also help widows and other people who are the survivors, I call us the survivors. And the book is really written for the survivors.
After competing for nearly four years as a professional golfer, he transitioned out of the world of golf into his new endeavors as coach.
Can you share your journey to becoming a professional golfer and how it marries to your life today as a coach, collaborator and podcaster. There must be a story in there why you actually give up golf, love to hear it.
Journey to self-mastery
My journey like everyone's life and path is a journey. Journeys take lots of time and usually involve lots of failure and mine is no doubt the same. I started playing golf when I was really young. My dad got me into it and I really enjoyed playing. I was a competitive kid so anything with competition in sports I was in.
In golf, there wasn't anyone else responsible for your successes. Your path to, self-mastery, depends on only you. I felt like I had the most control in my success. As I progressed it became clear it was something that I could really build. My focus kind of narrowed on golf in high school. I started dropping other sports so that I could really focus on golf. I ended up playing in college at Masters University in California. I worked on, self-mastery, for four years in college.
It was clear that I had the skills to be a professional golfer. So, I decided to give it a shot. In my senior year, I created the business plan and the structure around getting the financing to play professional golf. I got 10 to 11 sponsors and investors to back me. So, when I graduated, I was able to turn professional right away, upon leaving college in May of 2014. That kind of kicked off my four-year journey of playing professional golf.
Professional Golf teaches mastery
It takes a professional golfer about 10 years to get from, here to there, there being the PGA tour, and to self-mastery, the ultimate goal for every professional golfer. It's not an overnight thing. There're the people that you know, Tiger Woods, Jordan Spieth and Phil Mickelson and the 1% of the 1% the superstars. Everyone else it takes an average of 10 years to get from, here to there, and to, self-mastery,
My first year was a lot of failure, and a lot of learning. It was this process of development and, self-mastery, the process of learning how to develop and grow as a human very much at the same time.
As a golfer I started to learn to grow and improve and see some slow signs of growth and success. About two years into the journey after I've gotten partial status, I started to face a systemic injury which started in 2016. It was a muscle strain in my back. Many different factors combined and that kicked off about a year-and-a-half journey of failing to rehab correctly, failure of treating the symptom versus the injury. When I did reach the end of those first three and a half years, it became clear that my body wasn't 100 % healed.
But the bigger thing that happened was at my desires and giftings and abilities had kind of shown a different purpose. I felt more called to coach, so I made the decision this last December to transition out of Golf.
Finding true purpose
I truly believe what I'm doing now is my purpose. I believe that golf equipped me for my true purpose. I think that the journey of professional golf was a hyper-focused form of personal development and, self-mastery, because golf again is an arena where at the end of the day you have to take 100% ownership of your career, your life and your success because there's no one to blame but yourself if you don’t succeed.
There are no coaches, there's no teammates, there's no referee, there's no other external factors that you can blame for winning or losing. You have to take that ownership upon yourself. So, it really it forced me to leave no stone unturned in figuring out how to optimize and to, self-mastery, create the best form of myself as a competitor and as a golfer. You can't control outcomes, but you can control your preparation and, self-mastery, of the game.
I never planned on being at this place where I am now, as a speaker and a writer and entrepreneur. All these things manifested because I was faithful to do the best that I could. In golf I left no stone unturned, and it has equipped me for his work. If I hadn't been faithful to do that then I wouldn't be ready. Golf allowed me to get, from here to there, and to, self-mastery,
There's a really good book called “The talent code” by Daniel Coyle and he teaches whether you’re coaching soccer or teaching a child to play the piano, writing a novel or trying to improve your golf swing, this revolutionary book shows you how to grow talent by tapping into a newly discovered brain mechanism. He feels that just because you have the talent doesn't mean
it will be nurtured to the level of, self-mastery, its deep work and deep practice to really develop skill, competence and, self-mastery, in any field it's always a combination of nature and nurture.
I think the mindset of a professional athlete is one that is competitive but not just competitive it's also inspired. I think having clarity is really important as well. As an athlete you get objective feedback of win or lose, so you can figure out how to get, from here to there, and to, self- mastery, I think the same is true about having a vision. You have a goal you are striving for and you get feedback from whether you are successful or not.
What is your quarter life perspective on, self- mastery.
I give a lot of credit for this title to my grandpa. When I was writing this book, he was an influential voice in my head and life.
