Some, people come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime, but we have a tendency to turn, relationships, that were only meant to be for a, reason, into a forever relationship and that is why we suffer. These, relationships, have passed their expiration date.
In the Bible story of, Jonah. Jonah, heard from God that he wanted him to go preach a message of repentance to the people of Nineveh. Jonah, refused because he believed the people of Nineveh deserved to be punished, so he booked a ticket on a ship going in the opposite direction to get as far away from Nineveh. So, God caused a storm and then whispered in the ear of the sailors that, Jonah, was the cause of the storm and that if they threw him over board they would survive the storm. So, they threw, Jonah, overboard.
God then spoke to the whale and prepared the whale to swallow, Jonah, whole and not to digest him. Jonah, was in the belly of the whale 3 days until realized that his disobedience was the, reason, for him being in the belly of the whale.
He prayed and asked God for mercy and agreed to complete his assignment. God then told the whale where to drop, Jonah, off in Nineveh, the place where he was supposed to go in the first place.
I used this story to highlight that sometimes, people come into your life for a reason, and not for a lifetime. Jonah and the whale, was for a, reason. The whale’s only purpose in this story was to swallow, Jonah, spin him around for a few days and then drop him off after he came to his senses.
When the whale dropped off, Jonah, there were no tears, they never saw each other again.
We have to realize that, some people come into our life for a reason, and not try to turn, relationships, that were only meant to be for a, season, or a, reason, into a, forever relationship, and that is why we suffer. These, relationships, have passed their expiration date.
Here are the, life lessons, we can gleam from Jonah and the whale:
God is in charge. You have a purpose and an, assignment, to your life and even though God gave you free will he still expects you to complete your, assignment.
In order for you to complete your, assignment, some people come into your life for a reason, but because of our psychological make up we fall in love with the people who are only supposed to be in our lives for a, reason. The whale swallowed, Jonah, and transported him to where he needed to be. When the whale dropped off, Jonah, that was the end of the, entanglement. Some people come into your life for a reason, and that reason is called an, entanglement, it is not supposed to lead to a marriage or kids.
Ask Jada Pinkett Smith. She correctly called her affair an, entanglement. The, reason we suffer is that we do not realize that some people come into our lives for a reason, and some for a, season. We try to make our, relationships, last longer than they were intended to.
The third, life lesson, we can learn from, Jonah and the whale, is that God spoke directly to the whale and not to, Jonah. He told the whale to swallow, Jonah, and he told the whale when to vomit him up. Many of us feel badly when we are vomited up and left alone, but we forget that, some people come into our life for a reason, and that reason was to carry us to the other side. Maybe that man helped you go back to school. Maybe he provided for you and your children when their father walked out on you and left you penny less. He was there for a, season, your winter season and a, reason, to get you through.
There is nothing wrong with you. Jonah, didn’t go asking the whale why he vomited him up. He didn’t feel unworthy because the whale did not want to eat him. I read an interview a few weeks back from the actress Emma Thompson. She said that when she found out that her husband was having an affair, she never felt so unlovable and unworthy of love in her life. How many of us have been there. When we are cheated on, we feel there is something wrong with us. We feel unlovable.
Haley Berry said it best she said she left like a piece of gum under David Justices shoes. You have got to realize that men don’t cheat because there is something wrong with you. They cheat because there is something wrong with them and that is how God sets you free.
Have no fear you will find your forever love be patient he will show up when you least expect it. Your failed relationships were there for a reason, God used them to prepare you for your forever love.
Often when we’re mating or in the beginning of a relationship, we don’t know how it’s going turn out. We are not conscious of our, attachment styles, we don’t know how the dance is going to take place until the, attachment, takes place. After the honeymoon phase someone can be scared of intimacy and pull away or someone could be scared of abandonment and move closer. But these patterns don’t show up until a little bit later in the relationship.
Myrna: All right, Jessica. So as we start off, I always like to get a foundation so the listeners can understand your backstory. So what was your journey to becoming a, couples therapist? Tell me there’s a juicy story there.
Jessica: Well, definitely through my own interpersonal struggles for sure. You know, I did a session or something called, IMAGO therapy. So it’s, I’m a psychotherapist and I went to a psychotherapist and I got I worked with, IMAGO therapy, which means image, and through that work, I started to develop an understanding of my own, attachment wounds, and how I was relating in relationships and that definitely made me want to become a, certified Imago specialist.
So that’s one of the things that I am passionate about. And then I started working with, substance abuse centers, and started treating families with a lot of codependency, and system issues. I also treated a lot of couples in my private practice. So I started to see these unconscious dances and these wounds play out and you know with, Imago therapy, there’s a lot of trauma that comes up in, relationships, you know, and so our wounds show up.
So I was starting to see this happen over and over again. And I was starting to help it in big ways in my office and see really powerful transformations come up in, relationships, and so through my own journey and through my private practice. Yeah, I just I wanted to get this information out to the world. I also in my early 20s, identified as a, codependent, and read every book on, codependency, I could get my hands on and it wasn’t until I discovered, attachment theory, later on.
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Codependency in relationships
I went to school and studied it for years until I really understood that, codependency, is a product of, attachment wounds, and how we relate and stay in connection, because that’s our biological imperative. So it was a combination of my own work and working with family systems and then working with couples that led me to want to write this book.
Myrna: That’s amazing. You unpacked a lot of stuff there. One, IMAGO therapy. I’ve never heard of it.
Jessica: I highly recommend, IMAGO therapy, or Emotionally Focused couples, counseling. Those are two modalities that you have to be extra certified in and they really work with the energy and dynamics in, relationships. Protection show up and the wounds start to show up and all of a sudden we’re having sensations and wounds, kind of these patterns showing up in our most romantic, relationships.
And we’re all kind of confused, but this is actually supposed to happen because what happened to us when we were younger is subconscious and then now we’re as adults and we’re partnering up all of that actually gets reenacted and hopefully can then get healed in relationship it with two conscious people doing the work.
So that’s why I really loved, IMAGO therapy, it’s not about a therapist sitting in a room telling you what to do. It’s actually led by this beautiful dance between the couple where the therapist is outside leading deep dialogue to help each person see where their wounding is, in such a beautiful way. It’s experiential. So it’s a process you go through and it just impacted me very deeply that I decided to get certified and trained in it myself and I’ve had a lot of success with it.
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Childhood trauma shows up in our attachment styles
Myrna: I guess everything is, trauma, because even if you were abandoned, or you were abused, it still in the trauma bucket. Right. So is that what you’re talking about?
Jessica: I’m talking about, developmental trauma. And so, trauma, has a big word and if you’re listening you might be like, I have no, trauma. But the truth is, our earliest experiences even though they might not appear like, trauma, how we relate to our primary caregiver, how rupture and repair happen, what those early interactions are, they shape your developmental process. And is the lens in which we see the world, they shape our physical body, they shape our nervous system and ultimately our, attachment styles.
So there’s a lot of impact that happens when we’re young that we don’t even realize it until we get intimate and close with another in our adult years. And so that’s essentially, attachment theory. But yeah, it’s adaptations. How we adapted when we were really small to stay in connection is or keep ourselves safe is usually how we will adapt in our, romantic relationships, when things get a little bumpy.
Myrna: Okay, all right. So I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one, so I’m pretty sure our listeners are too I’m thinking that, you know, we have had men and women seem to pick the same type of partner, they usually end up in, relationships, where maybe the man is abusive, or a relationship where they’re abandoned, but they seem to have these, attachments styles. So I think that’s probably where you’re going.
Our attachment styles comes from embedded patterns
Jessica: Attachment styles, is a category but they’re really embedded patterns. That we form in our nervous system early on. And there’s four traditional, attachment styles, categories:
Secure attachment style- That’s someone who has grown up with an inherent sense of trust, doesn’t struggle with intimacy or feels okay being alone. They really are secure within themselves.
Insecure attachment style – There’s anxious which is the one I wrote my book on,
Avoidant attachment style – There’s fearful avoidant and so anxious people tend to have gotten inconsistency in their parenting. So they, there’s also a heightened anxiety and hyper vigilance.
We actually mirror our mother’s brain and nervous system when we’re developing and if our primary caregiver wasn’t consistent enough, we’re always kind of waiting for the shoe to drop. There’s a sense that connection isn’t going to stay the same, I got to keep my partner happy, or I have to bend over backwards to please them. We’ll tend to self abandon our own body as a way to survive.
I mean, it’s actually how we learn to survive and stay in connection in our earliest, relationships. Avoidant, attachment style, is really someone who didn’t get their emotional needs met well, and learn to kind of rely a little bit more on their own and they become more independent. They tend to be people who are really focused on career and who are successful and they are not as dependent, they don’t need as much connection.
3 Types of attachment styles
These two anxious and avoidant, attachment styles, tend to partner with each other. So just their inherent needs are so different because of their, attachment styles. And then there’s fearful avoidant, which is a embedded combination of both. So it’s a two way street. So you have your embedded patterns, but how they show up depends on also who you attach to and how their patterns combined with your patterns,
Then you have a combined embedded pattern dance between the relationship and I would say all, relationships, have a dance to some degree. So it’s complicated and it’s layered but usually you have one way of trying to get your needs met, whether that’s reaching out expanding, being dependent or being, interdependent, and isolating when you’re scared shutting down.
Myrna: I was thinking, attachment styles, I was thinking like attachment patterns. But what you’re talking about is is is how you show up in a relationship.
Jessica: Yeah, I mean, due to neuroplasticity, no one can say that any, attachment style, is static. We have the research to show that things are always changing and we will move towards warm connection and build new neural wiring and build new secure attachment. The more secure people we attach to not just our husband or wife but friends and colleagues. The more we have secure safe people in our life, the more self confident and the more inner security is built.
It’s actually, healthy dependency, or, inter-dependency, that we’re looking for. So if a baby felt like there was a lack of trust, and they will be dropped, and they couldn’t depend on their primary caregiver, where adults can actually depend in healthy ways on many different people who are safe and secure. You rebuild that inner security from within and it’s very changeable. It does require a little bit of work. But it definitely is a changeable thing.
Our attachment styles are changeable
Myrna: That’s good to know. That, you can be changeable even outside of therapy. If they form an attachment with someone that’s nurturing as an adult, they will start to build back as a whole person.
Why do we pick the same people?
Jessica: Someone who has an insecure base might not do this to secure person because their nervous system is very steady and calm that can feel boring and not exciting for them. So they’ll pick what’s familiar unconsciously. A lot of relationship type of psychotherapy says that our core wounds are going to come up no matter who we pick.
The subconscious is going to come up in those deep, relationships. But if you find yourself attracting the same type of person over and over again, the bad boy or bad girl, or an emotionally unavailable person, then that is an indication that you had an unavailable person in your childhood and there’s a familiarity there. And so you’re trying to repair.
Myrna: That’s what I thought we were talking about the, attachment styles. That’s where we’re gonna go is Yes, I know that you subconsciously. And I even heard that narcissists and people that are predators, pick up on the person that is that is insecure, and that’s the person that they attached to. Right?
Jessica: Narcissists are deeply insecure themselves. So there’s a sense of that going on in in them as well. But yeah, they can pick up on that or they will.
Myrna: How do we break that, attachment style cycle? Now, I think you touched on that a little bit just now that we picked things that are familiar. But let’s touch on the, attachment wounds. So let’s say that we had parents that didn’t see us, you know what I mean? We weren’t really totally abandoned, but we were not seen.
Jessica: Yeah, that’s always the, autonomic nervous system, picking things but our wounds exist inside of us. You tell yourself, I’m unlovable, I will be left. I’m unworthy. That’s an inherent sense that lives in our body. That’s not even the story. It’s a feeling that lives inside of us. So if we’re feel that way, we can even pick someone who make us at the center of their world. And as the relationship goes through phases, and they step away, whether they really step away or they really neglect the relationship. All the feelings of being unworthy or not being seen or being neglected are actually going to come to the surface.
We are triggered or awakened by past trauma
Because there was togetherness, and then there were separateness which happens in every relationship. So it’s going to trigger your feelings of unworthiness. The degree in which it brings it up as depends on the person that you pair with. If you have a turbulent relationship, it might just keep repeating that feeling and that sensation and again, that’s your nervous system going into fight flight, coming up with stories in your head to match what you’re feeling in your body, and you’ve just keep buying the same narrative over again.
Often when we’re mating or in the beginning of a relationship, you don’t know how it’s going turn out. There’s no protections up and sometimes you don’t know how the dance is going to take place until the attachment takes place. After the honeymoon phase someone can be scared of intimacy and pull away or someone could be scared of abandonment and move closer. But these patterns don’t show up until a little bit later in the relationship.
So it can be really confusing because something could start off really wonderful and go south really fast. And that’s because of protections and adaptations and your nervous system started to get really scared and it became unsafe really fast for one or both parties.
Myrna: So what exactly is a trigger? And what are some of the tools that we can use when triggered in relationship?
Triggers are formed from sensations stored in the body
Jessica: Well, if it’s sensational, it’s early memory, so if you are a teenager and you’re getting left, it can leave pain for sure. And there can be, trauma, later on in life. But if you have a really secure base, you’ll probably be like, Oh, you’ll recover much faster. When we’re really looking at memory, there’s different kinds of memory. We store memory first when we’re really young as sensation we don’t have a hippocampus fully developed. So the sensations are really big.
I don’t say, trigger, I like to use the word awakened because we’re awakening in these moments to painful things that are going on inside of our body. But if you know the nervous system, what we know is that we’re supposed to feel safe. So when you feel abandoned, your system will shift out of safety into fight. Flight freeze, or fawn depending on how you adapted in your patterns.
So when your body is going into an activated state, usually sympathetic arousal and your thoughts start blaming and projecting there’s a chance that you’re not feeling safe in your body and then that has activated something very scary inside. When I hear the work, trigger, I think of a gun and I think trauma and shame but really we’re awakening parts of ourselves.
Myrna: Wow. You’re doing good work. I am very interested in your in your research. It’s amazing. All right. So you have developed this method that’s called the, self-full method. You want to tell us about that?
What is the Self-full method
Jessica: It’s in this book that I just published called “Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love” I cover the, self-full method, deep in here In layman’s terms. I worked with a lot of, codependent, people who would come into my office and I would be like, you need to be more selfish. You need to learn how to take care of yourself and they would look at me like that’s a bad word.
Myrna: I just found out the other day you’re right that selfish just means taking care of yourself. It’s not a bad word.
Jessica: Well actually selfish is not great. But what I said is so selfless is that state I talk about constantly giving and giving and giving. And selfish is a state of taking care and protection. They’re not bad states, either one of them but they’re both sympathetic states of arousal in our nervous system. A, self-full, state is a norm as a calm state of connection where there’s fluid boundaries, there’s an ability to request your needs. There’s a sense of safety in the relationship.
Is being selfish a bad word?
And we all travel within the states all the time. But you might notice how I’m selfless in my relationship. I tend to self abandon, I tend to give a lot away, I tend to people please when I’m in a relationship because I don’t want to lose love and I tend to attract really selfish people. That’s a dynamic that you see a lot, so working towards a, self full, place is about doing your own inner work, and really being with more parts of yourself and understanding your nervous system in a new way.
Attracting someone who equally can give an exchange of these things so that you don’t keep giving, because the giving is an adaptation. And it’s coming from fear rather than always wanting to give. And even a selfish state which everyone enters are fluid, but if you enter a really selfish or close down or walled off state, it’s also a state of activation and a state of fear.
So those two tend to be the polar opposites of the spectrum. And so, self-full, is like a ventral state of connection. Getting yourself calm, being connected with yourself being connected with others feeling safe in your relationship. And so I’ve talked about how to cultivate that within your own body and your nervous system and in the, relationships, in your life and how to work with that and develop more, more capacity to be in a, self full, state.
Myrna: That’s good as you were talking, I thought of myself. How can women connect with you and get a copy of your book?
Jessica: Yeah, so I mean, my book is everywhere. It’s on Barnes and Nobles. It’s on Amazon, you name it. It’s everywhere. It’s going to be in seven countries, it is just really getting out there in the world. So you can just go on Amazon and put in Anxiously Attached, becoming more secure in life and love. You can also find me on Instagram @JessicaBaumLMHC. My website https://www.beselffull.com/ is where I have some of my online courses and the relationship Institute in Palm Beach is a private practice here in South Florida.
We do intense couples work trauma, I have a five therapists on my team. So we work to collectively to treat couples and system issues. So those are all the ways that you can find me. I’ve poured my heart and soul into that book for the last four years and I think if you resonate with someone who has, codependency, or you self abandon or you give yourself away, it’s really a healing path to forming a healthier relationship with yourself, but also getting that fulfilling relationship that you want and truly deserve on the outside.
The number one thing that ruins a, marital relationship, or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, or your customers. Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.
We have all heard that men want respect and women are emotional creatures, needing love and affection. So, that means if a man wants to improve his, marital relationship, he needs to show his wife love and affection and if a woman wants to improve her marriage, she must show respect, right? So why does, criticism, kill marriages?
You are probably saying to yourself, that is some messed up advice. By wait here is the reason.
Studies show that no one ever does anything they feel is wrong, so it does you no good to point it out.
The verb in the sentence is the important word. Feel.
Put another way, whatever we perceive is our reality.
99.9 percent of men and women can justify to themselves or anyone who would listen, any action or none action, they have taken.
Two-Gun Crowley a kind killer
On May 7 1931 New York City witnessed the most sensational manhunt the city had ever known to this point. After weeks on the loose “Two-Gun” Crowley, the killer, was trapped in an apartment on West End Avenue.
One hundred and fifty police officers and detectives laid siege to his top floor hideaway. For hours the residential sections reverberated with the rat-tat-tat of gun fire from the police and Two-Gun Crowley.
While Crowley lay bleeding from his gunshot wounds, he penned a note that read “To whom it may concern. Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one, one that would do nobody no harm”
If you had never heard this story before, you may be thinking that the police had the wrong man; but no. Crowley was the same man who was necking with his girl on a country road on Long Island when a police officer walked up to the parked car and asked him to show his license.
Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the police officer down with a shower of bullets. As the officer lay dying on the ground, he jumped out of the car grabbed the officer’s gun and fired another round of bullets into the prostrate body. That was the killer who wrote “under my coat is a weary, but kind heart. One that would do nobody any harm.”
We all see ourselves differently from others.
This is an extreme story, but I have experienced many people like Crowley in my own experience; from kids who steal, to spouses who cheat, to murderers who kill, nobody feels they have done anything wrong. So don’t bother pointing it out to them expecting them to feel guilt. This goes a long way to, improve your marital relationships.
Even if they admit to wrongdoing, someone made them do it, they find some way to justify their actions. This phenomenon is glaringly evident on death row. Most of the prisoners on death row feel they have been victimized regardless of how heinous the crime. They are all innocent.
The #1 thing women can do to improve their relationships, is Don’t criticize!
Criticism, does no good. It does nothing.
Criticism, is futile, because it puts a man on the defensive, wounds his pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment, so don’t bother.
Instead make yourself perfect. The only person you can change is you anyway.
Jesus taught us this when he said “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? No one is perfect.
That is not to say that your brother has no speck or has done no wrong, but we are only responsible for what we do. We have no power to control others. And, criticism, does nothing to, improve, marital relationships.
What exactly is criticism?
Couples often have a difficult time distinguishing between, criticism, and voicing a complaint. Criticism, can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. Couples fear that if they agree to stop, criticism, they won’t be able to have a conversation about failed agreements or promises.
For example, let’s say your partner throws his/her clothes and towels on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper. If you attack your partner by saying, “why are you so nasty? You have this place in a mess. You never clean-up after yourself,” that is, criticism. If instead you say, I would really appreciate it if you would put your clothes in the hamper, that is voicing a complaint.
Criticism, is an attack on your partner’s character. Calling your partner nasty or pointing out negative personality flaws is, criticism, because you are criticizing your partner as a whole person. In contrast, if you voice a complaint, and focus on specific action or behavior, and ask for a different action or behavior, that is different from, criticism.
Let’s look at another example. Women are always complaining about quality time and no affection from their man. If you say “You are not marriage material, you don’t know how to love a woman” That is criticism, if you say instead “I love your hands around me, I could use a hug,” that is saying the same thing in a different way. So, when I say don’t criticize, I don’t mean become deaf and mute. It is always better to communicate how you feel.
Criticism affects intimacy
One might think that the last person we’d want to say hurtful things to would be your marriage partner, the one you love. When we criticize it affects, Intimacy, because the wounded partner wants nothing to do with you. We are hard wired to focus on negative aspects instead of the positive aspects of our partners. We would focus on the clothes all over the floor and a filthy bathroom sink and not on the fact that our husband worked a full week, paid all the bills and rubbed our feet.
This is called a “negative bias”. Our brain is built to automatically place more weight on unpleasant news or nastiness. That is why the news is so negative, it sells more papers or gets more ratings. Negative bias, kicks in automatically at the earliest stages of processing information. As a result, our attitudes are more heavily influenced by downbeat news than good news. That is why the constant, criticism, by a spouse tips the balance of a relationship from mundane to miserable?
The bible says “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” It clearly states that it is better to live on the roof than with a nagging wife and most husbands experiencing this situation would agree.
How to protect yourself from criticism
“How does a person survive constant, criticism, in a, marriage relationship?
People adapt to a partner’s constant, criticism, by employing various survival tactics, such as:
If the woman is critical, then the man goes into his man cave. It could be a physical room, or he withdraws and stops communication. If the man is the critical one the woman also withdraws, and her self-esteem is deflated. Some develop an intensely defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. Others hide their “authentic selves” as a protective mechanism, letting out only the part stamped “partner approved”. They become a pleaser. They may feel the need to shrink their personality to avoid criticism which can result in loss of self.
To fend off, criticism, in a, marriage relationship, a partner surrounds him/herself with a safe buffer zone from which he/she responds politely as if from afar. Friends, work, children, exercise, social media, television, books, and newspapers can serve as buffers. We all know the spouse who is never home, always finds things to do outside the home. That is distancing.
A criticized partner withdraws and becomes emotionally unavailable. He/she preserves the “self” by building a wall to keep the critical partner away. He/she refuses to engage or react when criticized. Instead, he/she takes it and most likely adds another brick in the wall of resentment each time they are attacked, belittled, or berated.
Another common reaction to, criticism, in a, marital relationship, is, substance abuse. To survive emotionally, the criticized partner numbs the pain of engaging with his/her partner. Substance abuse, as a, coping mechanism, usually leads to further deterioration of the, marital relationship, as well as a host of other serious problems.
How to stop yourself from criticizing your partner
If you feel the impulse to criticize here are a few tips to stop yourself
Count to 10. Breathe, bite your tongue, wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time you feel the impulse to, criticize.
Do whatever it takes to do to stop finding fault, belittling, reproaching, nit-picking, cutting down, or chastising your partner.
Decide the kind of person you want to be and how you want to show up in your relationship.
Work at accepting your partner, even his/her annoying traits, harmless bad habits, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.
Resign yourself to the fact that you will not change your partner. I repeat: Criticism, will not change your partner.
The Effects of Criticism on Relationships
Here is some research on the, effects of criticism on relationships.
Here is a marriage story
Dr Julie said she had the good pleasure of counseling a woman who simply had to be the world’s greatest criticizer. I have to admit that I was in awe at her absolute hard-core ability to criticize. I can remember sitting back and thinking, “Wow, this lady could win some kind of award – she is amazing!” Her husband was a pot smoker and there was nothing good she could say about him – from the way he chewed his food, to his driving, or the way he snored at night. I counselled her to change her criticism to requests. In time she became one of the world’s greatest requesters.
One Mother’s Day (instead of criticizing) she composed a Wish List for her husband. It started with something like this – “Dear Husband, if you would like to have an immensely happy wife this Mother’s Day you can do so by getting me one of the following…” She listed about eight items each with a box to check next to the items she desired. Much to her surprise she received several things off the list (not just one!). She promptly rewarded her husband by telling him how happy she was and gave him a huge, heartfelt hug. Her husband began to learn that he could actually make his wife happy. This took a long time because he had come to believe that there was nothing that he could say or do that would ever please her.
So, what happened with this, marriage? In spite of the fact that she became an excellent requester, her husband would not give up his pot and she really struggled with staying married to him. She was lonely and the kids had an absent father. After much debate and prayer, she decided to stay. She would love this man with his addiction. Years later her husband’s heart was won over to Christ and he stopped, smoking pot. The world’s greatest criticizer became the world’s most grateful wife. That is why you must give it to God. Only God can change man.
Drs. John & Julie Gottman are therapists who have done the most research on the, effects of criticism on relationships. The two are famous for their “love lab,” in which hundreds of couples were screened, interviewed and observed over the course of two decades. As a result of their research the Gottman’s could predict in less than five minutes, with 90 percent accuracy, if a couple was going to stay together or divorce.
They came up with a metaphor to describe four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. They termed them “The Four Horsemen” — a phrase coined after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the New Testament, depicting the end of time.
Criticism leads to contempt
The main problem with, criticism, is that it can pave the way for the worst of the horsemen — contempt.
Contempt, is about holding your partner in a negative light without giving them the benefit of the doubt. The contemptuous partner is usually attacking from a place of superiority. This can send their partner the message that they are not liked, appreciated, understood or respected. This does little to create a safe, secure and trusting bond in the relationship.
Treating your partner with, contempt, is the single greatest predictor of divorce, according to Dr. Gottman’s work. It is by far the most destructive of the, four communication styles.
Contempt, and relentless, criticism, put a couple at war with each other. This is the opposite of the couple bubble. Smart partners who want to create a strong and happy relationship need to do all that they can to preserve and foster a strong couple bubble.
In this model, criticism, is seen as part of what’s called “the negative cycle.” The negative cycle is an interaction cycle between two people that, when left unchecked, can create an enormous amount of distance and disconnection in a relationship.
All relationships have some conflict and disappointments. This is actually healthy. Conflicts and disappointments don’t have to destroy a relationship. It is how the couple handles them that matters.
You should never marry or move in with someone until you have had your first fight. It is important to know how someone fights. Do they call you nasty names when you fight? Do you hit below the belt by throwing in your face things they know that hurt you? Do they refuse to engage and walk away? Or do you sit down and talk it out everyone voicing their opinion and having a fair hearing?
So, let’s circle back to our topic. The number one thing that ruins a marital relationship or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, your customers. Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.
Thanks to tuning into this week’s episode of Transformation Friday, I appreciate your time and hope I deliver value. Until next time Namaste
Today my guest is Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is a best-selling author, award-winning motivational speaker, and relationship expert, specializing in, second time around, today we’re going be talking on the topic “How to find your diamond the, second time around,” I am going to enjoy talking to you because I’ve been around more than twice!
Let me tell you more about my guest Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is the founder
of Dating Diamonds, a service that empowers women to meet the right man the, second time around. She is the creator of the “First Date the Soulmate Program” and since she has helped over 500 women meet the right man by designing a personalized plan. She helps them implement that plan. She’s polished the art of relationship in her 40 year marriage to her, soulmate, husband.
Her strategy benefits men too, after all the more knowledge you have the more you can thrive. Her clients can be found in major cities including Sydney, Washington DC, Sacramento and San Francisco. She mentors women to use the story of their lives to create the relationship they choose the second time around. Patricia has her master’s degree in American literature and an adult IDI
credential from San Francisco State University.
She holds coaching credentials from the Academy of Excellence and the
Windless Institute. She is a certified matchmaker with the matchmaker Institute and, second time around, coach.
Patricia also produced and hosted the TV show called the Patricia Fuqua show, a platform for using intuitive and spiritual practices as guides for better
How to find your diamond the second time around
Well Patricia that is a very excellent Bio, it covers a lot of territory.
I always like to start off my show asking my guests of their journey to this point in their career. Can you talk about your journey to becoming a relationship expert and author specializing in the, second time around? I know that you’ve been married for years and I need to say congratulations right off the top because that is quite an accomplishment; but how did you transcend your own relationship to becoming a coach?
Patricia: Well, now I’ve honed and polished my communication skills; but it wasn’t always this way. There was a time in my marriage when I
was depressed because I was juggling career and the needs of young children
and my husband. I got really depressed because I was really feeling sorry for myself and then I got mad went into this deep funk. It wasn’t until I discovered that I had the choice to be happy or to be sad that I started to turn myself around.
It wasn’t my husband, it wasn’t my children, it wasn’t my job, it wasn’t my life. It was the way I was looking at it so, when I discovered that I could be happy as a choice as well as being sad, I started to reach for better feeling thoughts, finding something good about everything and anytime somebody made me upset or I felt overwhelmed. I said okay so what’s the silver lining here?
Helping women find love the second time around
I started to get answers and so as I discovered the power of choosing how I was going to feel about any situation or any person or relationship I said to myself this I have to share with the rest of the women in my life, because we could be so much happier if we only knew we could just choose to do it. I have the technique to show them so that’s when I became inspired to start coaching women because I love happy people.
I just love being around happy people and helping them
learn to be happy the, second time around. Helping them to have more love in their lives.
I always been a spiritual person studying spiritual practices, some people would say religion, and always I wanted to be in alignment with source, some people would say God, Universe, Higher Intelligence. There are many names
for that creator and so as a result that’s how I started coaching. I started
saying well this is what I’ve learned about being happy and in love, so I’m
wanting to share this with you and we can personalize it for you so that you
too can have more love and happiness in your life.
And that one day that I had this record-breaking seminar for women, it was just like they were lined up around the table and down the aisles waiting to speak to me. I was just giving them these nuggets of wisdoms and, second time around, nuggets that I had come to from my reading from my study and they were walking away happy, so it was a great day.
It was it’s one of those peak experiences.
We are all looking for happiness
Myrna: Wow that is awesome and you know a lot of people would go through that process and keep it all to themselves, so it’s absolutely great that
you through that process realized that everything is better when you share.
That’s an overstatement, everything is better when you share. God gives
you a testimony, so that you can share and you can encourage and it’s really
profound that you had this really record-breaking experience of everybody
wanted a piece because you’ve hit on something.
Happiness, is a rare quality, even when you’ve got all you want
somehow a lot of people are still not happy and you know it’s really
interesting; but I did an interview on this show with a monk
called Swami G about 2 years and this morning Facebook shared the memory.
I reposted, he was saying that happiness doesn’t come from external
Sources, just like you have figured out it comes from inside and that’s why you
know the Buddhist monks talk about enlightenment, because when you’re
enlightened you know suffering and unhappiness doesn’t come to you.
I woke up this morning with some heavy things going on in my
life and my children, and when I posted it. I said, I wish that
I myself can tap into that field today. I was meditating this morning from very early in the morning and it just didn’t work because my mind was too busy. So, if you have gems that help people, that is why they’re lined up because it’s something that you know we all require at some point in time.
We don’t have to be depressed but some days just knock you down. Good story so I’m glad that you were able to bottle your experiences to help others to get there as well. You touched on something as well about you being
very spiritual and connected to source. So my second question is how can other women use intuitive and spiritual practices as a guide for better relationships the, second time around?
Let’s just add happiness on to that.
That’s the exciting part of my practice because when I’m sharing with women the seven principles that are in the book, Second Time Around, meditation is number one and I’m glad that you’re a meditator because even
when we feel that, oh my God my mind is so busy it didn’t make a difference, it
does make a difference because you’re quieting your mind,
and it can give you a different perspective on a situation.
I’ve learned over time that women need to or benefit from having a different
perspective on the situation, or relationship, and dating and love and
happiness because we can as a group, are very sensitive and emotional. Some
more than others, and when we can tap into that place where we’re feeling not
as positive as we could and start to look at least one positive thing
about a situation, you recognize what they’re feeling and to shift.
It’s kind of like this morning you said you woke up with heavy feelings and the meditation didn’t feel like it was making a difference, however if it ever entered your mind that oh well this is something I could be thankful for in this
situation, that is going to raise your emotional tone.
We get stronger at managing our feelings and eventually we get to the place where we can move more quickly up this emotional scale to happiness or at least optimism, and after meditation if you say to yourself oh well it wasn’t
quite as bad as I thought because B and C is in place, you move up the scale.
You are correct, this morning I didn’t come up with
any positives, but I came up with some guidance and that’s basically what
happens when you quiet your mind right the Universe, God, your
Higher self gives you some guidance and some next steps.
What are you bringing to the table
Some of the other principles have to do with just mining. Like gold mining your own story to figure out what you really want to experience in relationship. Some women want to feel pampered and protected and privileged, and you know what is it each woman needs is to discover or to remind herself what she really wants to experience in relationship. Some women are very conventional and they like the idea of having a man play a man’s role, do the man things in in the conventional sense, manage the house, take out the garbage,
that sort of thing.
Other women want somebody to plan their fun, so what is it that helps you feel the way you want to feel in relationship, that you would like that other person to be doing? That’s one of the key principles, there are seven total principles we don’t have time to go into them all now. Meditation to manage your own
thoughts and feelings. Now it your, second time around, what are you bringing to the table?
Awesome, alright so again we’re touching on mindsets a little bit, so this is an interesting question for me to ask you because we’re specifically talking here about the, second time around. Women who has been divorced, the woman is maybe in a committed relationship, maybe not necessarily married; but they’re
starting over again and your mindset is very crucial because your mindset can
actually keep you from making this a positive experience.
So what mindset do you coach your women and men then that they have to develop when they’re in the, second time around?
I have the attitude that there is a lid for every pot.
Know what you want the second time around
That’s an old southern expression that means all they have to do is be very clear on the vision of what they want to experience and they will meet that person.
So those mindsets have to be in the present. If we’re going to develop a relationship a, second time around, that is satisfying and that can last. Having a lid and every pot means that there’s a match for you somewhere, and if you have a clear vision on the match you know as a coach as well any coaching whether it’s for whatever you want just have a clear vision of it and that’s the way you attract it to you.
I was thinking that is the most important mindset that they have to develop is that they have release the baggage of the last relationship. How do you feel about that?
It’s important to be aware of the baggage of the last
relationship because it can be like a weight around your ankles pulling you
down and away from what you want. It’s also important to be able to shift
that attitude that you might have developed, that feeling about
relationship or about the opposite gender that you had. The awareness the
self-awareness of knowing what that attitude is that’s blocking you will
allow you to come up with an alternative, so that you can do the things, say the
things that will help you attract that clear vision that you have. That’s the
lid for your pot so to speak.
Myrna: Like I said in the beginning of the podcasts, I’ve been around
the block several times myself and what I have found. To clarify I have been married like four times, what I have found is that a lot of times the baggage is
you come out of a relationship and there is a negative experience you make sure that there’s not that a negative experience is not in your next partner;
but a lot of times you find something else right, so how do you coach women
around “hey I don’t want to have a guy like that again kind of scenario?
Let the laws of attraction work for you
Patricia: I understand what you’re saying and the Law of our Universe, some people call it the Law of Attraction but the way it’s
set up is that it wants us to be happy that law is God in action or the
Universe in action or the Creator in action. We are put here to have fun
that’s the point in the studies that I have had and so when we focus on what we really want the universe hears.
The trick becomes being able to manage your feelings and
your thoughts and your attitudes so that you’re focusing on what you really want it doesn’t understand anything except for what you spend the most time
thinking about, so if you’re spending most of your time thinking about oh my
God that was the worst relationship ever, I never want to see a guy like that again! Well, that’s what you’re going to get more of or some variation, because you’re spending so much time on it and that’s what a Universe is answering.
That is the perfect answer because, yes that is exactly what happens.
That’s why a lot of women go in relationships that are
almost the same because they keep attracting the same kind of man or the
same kind of relationship because they’re saying well this is this is what
I don’t want. Let’s take an example of a cheater, this is what I don’t want or
even an abusive relationship, and then you are cycling through those all the
time because they tell the universe what they don’t want and that is exactly what shows up. I like what you said, whatever you spend time thinking about
whether it’s what you don’t want or what you do want then that’s what’s going to show up. Excellent answer.
Myrna: Who would you say is your ideal client?
My ideal client is a woman of experience and substance who has had more than one relationship, I used, second time around, because that’s a very familiar expression; but she usually has raised her children, she’s launched them into college or into the work world and she’s comfortable in her career and in a single mom.
All these years I’ve been raising the kids I’ve been taking care of other people. I have a great social life; but where is my special partner? I like this woman. I prefer this as the ideal client although men in the situation my teachings work as well; because they have had enough variety and experience they know what they want through conversation and we can plan how their strategy is going to roll out and make it happen.
I shouldn’t say make it happen but we can work with my spiritual principles so that they’re very clear on what they want, they know how to manage their mindset, they know what they would prefer to experience, they’re open to using these practices. Example: One of my clients was sitting at an
outside café in my little town here of Menlo Park one afternoon with her
college son who was home for the holiday and a man saw her at this outside café, parked his car came over to meet her.
She had been trained by me who had the strategy of being approachable, she looked radiantly beautiful; because I said honey anytime you go out you have got to look good. People are attracted by the visual. She was in line with that and so he came over sat down next to her as if he were her best friend they started chatting well as her calm was being the hostess and making him
feel comfortable; because she found out right away that he was her type of
guy. At the end of that short conversation, he passed his telephone
number to her on a napkin and said if you want to continue this just give me a
call, that was six years ago. They’re still together.
It’s about being clear, always being ready so you don’t have to
get ready and being ready for who comes into your world; so that you can check them out and decide if you want to get to know them better.
Always be ready so do don’t have to get ready
I love the last tagline. I think Will Smith says that best he says you
should always be ready cause if you’re ready, you ain’t got to get ready.
All right now let’s get a little personal and transparent. I know
you’ve been happily married for over forty years
you talked in your BIO in your journey or your history that
there was a period of time when you were depressed, because you’re doing so much, and your happiness came after you decided that you had
a choice and it was not your husband or your kids job to make
I absolutely love that. I know this personally because that’s the reason I’m finally happy. After running around and trying to find happiness by having other people give it to me, the reason I’m happy in my relationship
is because I meditate and I do me. I don’t depend on anyone
else to be to make me happy. I make myself happy; but I saw this in
print the other day when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had left her. He
cheated on her with the nanny and I think she was having an interview and
she said point blank that it was not Ben’s job to make sure that she was
happy. I’m sure a lot of people that are not in our space
wouldn’t understand that; but I absolutely loved it.
So what would you say is the reason for your marital success?
Marital success second time around
Well marital success the, second time around, means also that there’s a the dark side of it that there are some times that are not successful and after years there have been times where I haven’t been successful at being happily married and so now that I am happily married, that I’ve gone through some things so the idea here is every situation that has conflict in it.
I have learned to ask myself what would you prefer here Patricia? And when I get the answer to that then I can get busy, I can start conversations. In the book, I’m leading women to go from “first date to soul mate” with these principles and it doesn’t stop once you meet and develop the relationship with your soulmate, the conversations and the communication has to continue through the inevitable conflicts that happen between two people in an intimate personal relationship.
So as a result I’ve learned to use that very powerful question
“What would you prefer here Patricia?” That tells me that I
need to start doing my practices and asking that question.
What is it you want the man to do? What it is you
want the woman to do? We don’t communicate what we want we just fight about it because we’re expecting to be mind reader’s.
As we wrap up our show today, Patricia how can our readers and listeners get in touch with you and get a copy of your book, second time around?
I would love to chat with people or let them know a link for the book and so I would ask people to just email me Patricia@datingdiamonds.com Put in the subject line “chat” or “Book” and I’ll send you a copy of the book
which will go into some of the seven principles that I talked about.
The late, Kevin Samuels, controversially said that, Black women, over 35 cannot get a man because any, high value man, could get a younger woman.
The gist of his message was that women over 35 who are single with children are like used cars. Top quality men don’t want them since they they are, low value, and the, high value man, have options and they exercise these options for younger women with no children and baby daddy drama.
So here in lies the dilemma. Even though women were calling, Kevin Samuels, a scum bag, he had a huge following of men because they knew he was talking truth. These so called, high value men, were willing to rip into a man of God Dr. Jamal Bryant, senior pastor at New Birth in Atlanta, in defense of, Kevin Samuels.
It is true that, black women, over 35 are looking for the, high value man, and men over 35 are looking for younger women? How do we know this is true? The reason I know this is true is because everyone is looking and nobody is finding love, because love is not about hair, booty, breasts or skin color. Love is about chemistry, it is an energy.
So, ladies my, dating advice, to you is you must age like fine wine, you have much more to offer a man and you need to let him see this. You have experience.
Dating Advice for Black Women
Remember that relationship you walked out of in your 20ths, now you realize that it was the best relationship you ever had. There is a lesson in every failure.
So now that you are 35+ and single; what have you learned about men? What I have learned is that the, high value man, would sleep with the 35+, black woman, with the good hair and the booty, but they look for more in the woman they marry.
So, while you are sitting on the shelf, make yourself ready for your husband. You have to become, wife material.
6 ways to become wife material
Learn to speak on a variety of topics, men are no longer attracted to the dumb pretty woman anymore.
Learn the rules of basketball and football. Most men like sports so, you must learn to like them as well, so he doesn’t have to go out with the boys to watch the game. He could watch it with his woman.
Learn to cook dinner for two. A man wants to marry a woman who can cook.
Get a gym membership, men like to hold muscles not fat.
Learn to control your tongue, sometimes silence is the best answer.
Learn to build up a man and not tear him down. Life and death are in the tongue, speak life into your man. Encourage him, listen to him, support him.
Kevin Samuels YouTube Videos
I listened to, Kevin Samuels, most famous video. This video had 3M views and over 3K comments when I watched it months ago! Kevin Samuels, was speaking to a woman who was 35 had a 13-year-old son and was making 6 figures. She said she wanted a, high value man, who made 6 figures because when she dates men below her pay grade, she gets idiots.
Kevin Samuels, asked her from a scale of 1 to 10 where would she fall and she said 6. He then told her that, high value men, who make 6 figures are in the top 10% of all men and have options. They are not looking for an average, black woman, 35+ with a 13-year-old son.
He is correct, they are not looking for you, but if you age like fine wine and prepare yourself while you’re fermenting, they will take a sip of you and become intoxicated.
Black women prepare yourself to become a high value woman
The other thing I have learned is it may have been a long time since you have been held by a man and you can’t wait to jump into bed; don’t do it. A man must respect the woman he marries. Don’t sleep with him until he calls you his girlfriend and you are sure he is not married!
There is a dilemma for, black women, over 35 who are single with children, but finding love is not impossible. I got married at 46 with a 16-year-old daughter. The chemistry was right and I was prepared. So don’t let anyone tell you, you have no value and that you are like a used car. Antiques cars are more valuable than new cars. You have wisdom, skills, and know how to treat and keep a man.
Hope this helps someone.
You have been listening to 5 mins with coach Myrna, I want to invite you to join my Facebook group called Lifecoach, for inspiration throughout the week. Until next time Namaste
How can the, Law of Attraction for couples, help you to thrive at home and at work? NYT best selling author Christy Whitman talks about thriving in your relationships this week on the “Transform your Mind with Coach Myrna” podcast.
Christy is the author of “Quantum Success 7 essential laws, for a thriving joyful and prosperous relationship with your work and money”
Before we get started, I want to give a shout out to our sponsor for today’s episode. Our sponsor today is T.Y Waterproofing serving the Atlanta area. T.Y Waterproofing has over 30 years’ experience in waterproofing and basement repairs. Let T.Y Waterproofing, waterproof your crawl spaces, slabs, remove and kill mold, install all sump pumps, and French drains. Call Timothy at 404-449-5467 for a free estimate.
Christie Whitman is a Transformational Leader, Celebrity coach, New York Times bestselling author twice, one for “The Art of Having it All” and the second for “Taming your Alpha Bitch” I love that title! Christy has appeared on The Today Show, the Morning Show, and her works have been featured in People’s magazine, Seventeen, Women’s Day, Hollywood Life, and Teen Vogue among others.
Christie is the CEO and founder of the Quantum Success Learning Academy and Quantum Success Coaching Academy a 12-month, Law of Attraction, coaching certificate program. Christie has helped thousands of people through her empowerment seminars, speeches and coaching sessions, and products.
Christy’s Journey as a Law of Attraction for Couples Coach
Myrna – That’s was a very impressive Bio. I loved reading it. As a, life coaching podcast, I am always interested in my listeners learning life skills from my guests stories. You’ve done a lot, you’re quite accomplished. Can you give us a little bit of your backstory? Tell us your journey to becoming a successful, Law of Attraction for couples, leader and, quantum success, coach .
Christy – Sure, I always had the drive to be successful, and worked with the, law of attraction, back in day about 20 years ago, before I found the other universal laws, I did what it took to take action. I had perseverance. I went after the things that I wanted. I was able to focus, using the, law of attraction for couples, but whenever I got there, I never felt satisfied.
Using the Law of Attraction for Couples to Bring you Happiness
I never felt happy, never felt like it was enough. So no matter what I accomplished, it just didn’t good. When I actually accomplished something great, it actually would feel the opposite. I remember almost feeling let down, like okay well I was supposed to have this epiphany. I was supposed to have this, amazing feeling. I would never find that feeling of satisfaction.
When I learned more about, the law of attraction for couples, about 21 years ago, I really learned about how your thoughts create your reality. I had already been successful and I had a great career going. I was making money and yet, just wasn’t satisfied. I just felt like all the things that I was told would make me happy it wasn’t working and I was starting to think like what’s wrong with me.
I thought if I had money, if I had the career, if I had a boyfriend, if I had this great body, look a certain way, then I would be happy, and none of the outer things were doing it for me. It was when I found a sense of myself, through meditation on the, law of attraction for couples, and through really returning to myself, stopped focusing outward on everything and everyone outside of me, a healthy selfish me.
I found I was coming back to myself. I started paying attention to the thoughts that I was thinking, that was activating, the law of attraction for couples, and how I was feeling and what I really came to understand, what my body of work really has been now, is that I have to be very mindful of that no matter what situation we’re in, we can always find peace.
How the Law of Polarity interacts with the Law of Attraction
The law of Polarity, there’s a lot of things to appreciate and be grateful for. That’s what my bodywork has been. My whole training for last 21 years has been really sensing within myself where I am. Thinking thoughts of lack and limitation, where I comparing myself to other people. I look at other people and go oh my GOD, there’s so much more successful than me and then start feeling bad about myself and feeling like what I’ve accomplished is not enough.
Or do I compare myself to what other people are making? Or what impacts are my thought having? Those are times to check myself, look for what’s right and good about my life and about my family and everything in my life versus what’s wrong and bad.
These are a different training and a different mindset to come from a perspective of abundance instead of lack and limitation, and that’s really where my internal work has been. Each time I shift up belief, a thought, a perspective from lack and limitation to one of abundance, my life just expands and explodes.
So those are the principles that I write about in my new book, Quantum Success, is that we’re all searching for some type of success, and the accolades. You know what society says is this is accomplished, then you’ll feel successful and a lot of people get there, and they feel empty, they feel like that it doesn’t have much meaning in their lives or they’re not feeling satisfied or fulfilled.
The truth is that as long as we’re chasing things outside of ourselves we’re always projecting our happiness or our fulfillment outside of ourselves. Fulfillment is never outside of ourselves, it’s within ourselves and it’s in the present moment. where all of our power exists.
How does The Law of Attraction for Couples Help in Relationships
Myrna – My first question is How does understanding your belief system help women and men who are functioning at high levels in their career or own their own business, but they’re still struggling to find contentment or happiness? How does understanding the, law of attraction for couples, help? How does understanding, quantum success, principles help in relationships?
Christy – Our beliefs are one of the ways that we create. I mean when you think about it, when we have a belief and there is such a conviction that this is so, that this is the way it is, we will create that’s what we are expecting to receive. It’s what we are expecting life to give us. We can’t create outside of our beliefs. If we believe that something good is going to happen, we then create something good.
There’s an underlying belief that what we are creating we the deserve. We’re not deserving or whatever it is; but we are always creating attracting things from the beliefs that we hold and here’s the good news. If we look at our lives and we’re not satisfied, we need to shift what we’re not satisfied about. Look at what the contrast is in our life, what we don’t want and allow that to be the springboard for what we do want.
I always ask myself when I’m finding a situation or circumstance happening in my life, I always ask myself what would I have to believe in order to create this? How does understanding the, law of attraction, facilitate my knowledge?
How Journaling helps Relationships
It’s an empowering question. I recommend even journaling about it because a lot of times if you sit there and if you haven’t done this practice before, you will not come up with an answer. I would take 10 mins with paper and I would journal. In order to create this situation what would I have to believe? What would I have to think? What would I have to be feeling in order to attract this?
You become more self-aware. I mean it’s really the process of self-awareness and when we can slow down enough to pay attention to ourselves, that is the richest thing that we can do. Not only are we connecting with ourselves, which most of us don’t do these days we’re so busy with so much going on our lives, we need to take the time to slow down and connect with our own self, to know ourselves, to know what you believe about this and that. Beliefs are not either right or wrong. This is a, life coaching podcast, so I will answer with life coaching tips.
I love when you said that most people are not conscious. As a Guyanese, I want this to also be a, Guyana podcast, Most people including Guyanese people, do not understand the, law of attraction, You use the word self-awareness which is another term for consciousness. I’ve spent a lot of time with that word in meditation and being aware. I live in higher consciousness, personal development, yet at my level right now, I will not be able to look at a situation and figure out how I created it.
I’m not there yet, but I’m in the less than 1% of the world that actually are working on self-awareness, consciousness and, personal development, As a, life coaching podcast, I teach my clients basically that whatever they want, they can create. It starts with their thoughts and starts with their belief system. You and I are both, personal development, coaches and one of the first things I do in my coaching sessions, the first couple of weeks is basically we talk about beliefs and we look back at past behaviors. You can actually figure out what you believe from how you have navigated situations in your past.
The Law of Attraction for Couples and the Universal Laws
What exactly is the, Law of Attraction, and why is it important to know the universal laws and, quantum success? The, Law of Attraction for couples, for me when I learned about it completely changed my life and the reason that they completely changed my life or that my life completely changed is because they’re for me like knowing the rules of the game or knowing the recipe to a really good cake or you know the plans to build a house.
I always say how successful would you be if you were going to go play baseball and you never saw the game before? You never knew how it was played? You don’t know what the rules are. Someone hands you a bat and says okay hit the ball. You can’t play the game if you don’t understand the rules of the game. What to do when you hit the ball? How can you get thrown out etc.
Life is similar, you have to learn the rules of the game, you have to learn the playbook. The first step is about learning these, essential universal laws and the, law of attraction, and applying them so that you become the deliberate creator of your life instead of being a victim of circumstances. There’s always going to be some kind of circumstance or situation or event or person that shapes our experiences.
It’s what we do with those experiences the perspectives that we hold, that will determine what we continue to attract in our lives. So the more you learn about these, essential laws of the universe and, the law of attraction. Knowing these universal laws is knowing the rules of the game.
The Seven Universal Laws
I try to make myself a million dollars by working with the, law of attraction, and the seven essential universal laws. We live in a vibratory universe, our universe is all about vibration. Modern science and quantum physics have now proven that everything from a human being to a rock is full of energy. Everything is energy, our thoughts our feelings, what we say, what we do, everything is coming out of us like an energy tower and we as an individual person are sending out energy signals all day every day.
The, Law of Attraction, is just matching those signals that we send out, and giving us more of the same. Now it’s not a tit-for-tat kind of thing, it’s not like oh I told someone they were a jerk and now someone’s going to call me on a jerk. It’s not like that literal, but if you’re sending out negative vibes you could be in traffic and someone could cut you off and you’re experiencing road rage, that negativity for example that wave of negativity will then cast out a returning wave of negativity to you.
So we have to be mindful about the energy that we are sending out. The thoughts that we think, the language we use. We don’t feel good when we’re sending bad vibes out, so using feelings helps makes for better choices.
For example, language like I choose not to put up with this marriage anymore. I choose not to be treated like that anymore. I choose not to waste my money or spend my money on this right now. Those are more empowering ways and languages that we can use that actually do make a difference in what we attract. The, Law of Attraction for couples, is really a mirror reflection. I like to think of it as a boomerang, it’s like what you’re sending out it’s coming back to you.
The most important law from the seven essential laws of the universe, I believe is the, Law of Sufficiency and Abundance. This law states that everything in the universe is abundant. Most of us are experiencing abundance of lack or pain or suffering, but the universe is always going to give us an abundance.
If you look at nature and look at trees you can’t say we can’t possibly count the amount of leaves that are on a tree or how many waves crash up again against the shore in the ocean, or count the raindrops that are coming down from the sky. The universe has always functioned in abundance, and to get what you want from the law is called sufficiency and abundance, it’s being in a satisfied place.
It’s coming from sufficiency. You get there by appreciating and looking for the good. In your life right now, in any situation, I don’t care what it is you can find the good things about it. The law of Polarity says that every subject is really two subjects, it’s the halving of it, or the not having of it. It’s the lack of it or the abundance of it, and when we can deliberately choose how we want to focus, what we want to believe, what we want to appreciate, or not.
How Gratitude engages the Law of Attraction for Couples
Were the ones in charge of which area, what side of the spectrum, we want to be on any given subject, but the doorway into abundance is sufficiency. You start by practicing gratitude. I first started doing gratitude meditation, I would literally walk around and think of a hundred things a day, listing all of the things that I was grateful for and that would raise my vibration, it would make me feel so good and things started, almost like magic, would start being attracted into my life.
Another thing you can do is think about one thing you’re grateful for and think of 20 things or reasons why and it’s not lip service, it’s not like I’m grateful for my husband and I’m grateful my kids, there’s no energy behind that, there’s no pain, you have to feel the emotion. Doesn’t work unless you feel. That’s why affirmations work for some people, and they don’t work for other people because people are like I’m abundant, but there’s no energy.
The other Universal Laws
These are seven essential laws of The Universe:
• The Law of Attraction,
• The Law of Allowing,
• The Law of Pure Potentiality ,
• The law of Oneness,
• The Law of Balance and Harmony,
• The Law of Sufficiency and Abundance,
These universal laws, when you apply them and learn how to work with them, they will absolutely change your life.
The Universe sends human beings countless signs and symbols over the course of their lives, and if you are able to comprehend them, you’ll be able to sense when you’re on your destined path in life—and when you’re not. Please read the list below to make sure you haven’t missed any vital info, and to ensure that you’re on the right journey.
You’re jealous and you’re envious, that is a blockage because it means that you believe that is universe does not have enough for the both of you. if you say I’m happy for my friend, because this world is abundant and she’s not taking my job, there’s more available for me, and you’re happy and you celebrate that person’s success, what that’s saying is that you believe that the world is abundant.
You believe that whatever God can do for her, he is going to do for you, and that’s where a lot of people don’t get it. They’re always envious and they’re always catty and they’re jealous and they can’t celebrate your success. Abraham talks about this. She talks about contrast, she says go out there and look for contrast, look for things that you don’t have and say that’s what I want and be happy for that person. But most people don’t live there. The do not understand the, the essential laws of attraction.
We’ve been talking about the, law of attraction, the playbook, personal development, quantum success, and making this a Guyana podcast, for my people.
Be aware of fear and desire. Awareness helps balance them ~ Deepak Chopra
To get a FREE copy of Christy’s book, Head over to iTunes snd leave a review for the Transform Your Mind with coach Myrna podcast, then head over to www.quantumsuccessbook.com and Kristy will send you her new book when it comes out in September for free. All you do is pay for shipping. Kristy will be back for one more episode.
How to, find your Soulmate,, we’ll have tips today on, how we attract our soulmate, how to live with him or her, and have out of body physical love! Today I am continuing my talk with International renowned author Ilona Selkie. Our topic is, “How to, find your Soulmate,”
Ilona an International best-selling author, Seminar leader, Lecturer, Musician, CEO and co-founder of Living from Vision.
For over thirty years, Ilona has inspired thousands of people
worldwide to discover the power of their consciousness and to create successful lives. Ilona has written four books one of them we’re going to touch on today because in that book she specifically she talks about how to, find your soulmate. That book is called “Dolphins Love and Destiny” Ilona’s newest book is called “Dream Big, the Universe is Listening”
In my first interview with Ilona, On the Transform your mind with coach Myrna radio and podcast, we talked about the Quantum Field, and energy. Today we are using that energy and we’re going to direct it specifically to, How to, find Your Soulmate,” In addition to authoring the four books, Ilona has produced music and meditation CDs, co-authored two books with Brian Tracy, and one with Jack
Canfield. She has also been a regular guest on A& E and Bravo TV with Jack
Canfield, and was a producer and TV host for the Quantum Living show on Women’s broadcast TV.
I love talking about soulmates specifically, “How to ,find your Soulmate,” and we’ll have tips and tidbits today on, how we attract our soulmate, how to live with him or her, once we found them and have union into old age!
Every single person needs to know this. I’m going to tell you how I met my husband and, “How I found my soulmate”, I think that he’s my, soulmate and I want you to confirm that or deny it based on data I will share later in the program; but yes we’ll get into all the details on, “How to, Find your Soulmate,” it it’s going to be a very interesting conversation, and one of the things I love about this show is that I learn as much as my audience from interviewing my guests. I pick topics that are stimulating and tantalizing, and that I and everyone listening could find some commonality with it. So yes this is one of the topics that everyone will be interested in listening to your expertise on.
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Ilona, tell us your journey from your childhood to
becoming the CEO and co-founder of Living from Vision. Please share that
with us and why don’t we tie it right into our topic today, “How to, find your Soulmate,”
From some magical moment when I was maybe 10 years old, I had a
flash of a person in front of my mind who I knew was going to be my husband.
Now he had a beard, he played guitar, he spoke English. Honestly those were my goals and my desires. That was on my bucket list as to what my husband had to be. I was German mind you. I’m in Germany, I’m going to school, but my husband needs to be able to speak English from England!
He would be speak English, have a beard, and play guitar so those were my
Requirements. Then I saw a flash again. I was walking through
downtown my little village, and it flashed into my mind, this future husband image again.
I’m going to tell you how to create Union that lasts despite aging and how you feel satisfied
whether you’re still young or old, and how to merge your soul with your, soulmate, because that’s what I have found with my, soulmate.
How I found my Soulmate
Myrna – I met my husband and, soulmate, as I walked into a train. He was the officer on the train collecting tickets. He was by the front door as I walked on the train. I noticed him. I said to myself, of a new officer. He was Black. I had not seen a black officer on the train before, so I noticed him. He told me later, that when he saw me walk onto the train, he had a warm feeling in his body. He’s never felt that before. I took the train every day to and from work.
The next time he saw me sitting on the train, he built up the courage to come and talk to me. We talked for about half an hour until I got off of my stop and when I got off of my stop my heart and my whole body went into somersault. It was an amazing! I had this feeling of euphoria. I knew that he was going to be my next husband!
I’m not sure if I know he was going to be my next husband, but I knew he
was in my next relationship and that I had definitely, found my soulmate, I was still married at the time, but the relationship had run its course and we were on the way out. So, I knew he was going to be my next relationship. My heart didn’t stop some somersaulting for the entire week! Every time I was on the train, I couldn’t even read. I could not do anything, but keep an ear out for him coming to talk to me. I was just expecting him to show up and my heart just kept somersaulting! Yes, we had a connection right away.
An Overview to, Finding Your Soulmate
The first truth in how to, find your, soulmate, is to understand the nature of a, soulmate. It’s strange, but most people don’t sit down to figure out what a, soulmate is. As a result, people often force the wrong person into fitting the, soulmate mold. If you want to know how to, find your soulmate, then you need to actually “know,” rather than wing it in understanding what a soulmate is.
Ilona – that so awesome because I think the body doesn’t lie. If we’re attentive to our body signals and feel our heart and are open to it without numbing it with alcohol or numbing it with anger or numbing ourselves with other kind of
prescription drugs. If we stay clean, if we listen to our body, if we’re open to
the knocks of the universe and the universe talking to us, I think we really
feel a lot through our body. I definitely love my body and you know
some people will tell you they get sweaty palms and they get weak knees.
Myrna – I know that but my heart just jumped up and down like a trampoline! I
tell you it was like sometimes, it wasn’t a heart attack somersault, it was like so
like a kid jumping up and down on the bed. I wanted to
ask you, “How do you usually, find your soul mate,”
I’ve read about people, finding their soulmate, before they meet them in person.
Here are some examples of, Finding your soulmate, before your meet them in person:
• I just finished reading this book called “After the Dance” by Jan Gaye, she was Marvin Gaye’s wife. Marvin Gaye was one of the top R&B;
singers of our generation. She was his wife. She wrote in her book that when she saw him at 8 years old, she had a crush on him. She fantasized about marrying him and she fantasized about being his woman. When she finally met him at 17 years old, He took one look at her and fell in love with her, even though she was 17 years his junior and still in high school. She became his second wife when she was 20 years old and the mother of his two kids.
• Then I heard about Megan Good. This is, how she, found her soulmate,
Megan Good is a very popular black actress. She said that there is this guy, Devon Franklin that she knew that she was going to marry. She knew that he was going to be your husband and she started telling everybody he was going to be her husband. This was before they met or he knew who she was. When he met her, I don’t know what happened; but you he felt an immediate attraction to Megan and told himself he’s a preacher and
she’s a movie star. It was not going to work. But whatever energy that was guiding them, worked it out. The attraction was too powerful and they ended up getting married. That is how they both, found their soulmate,
• Angelina Jolie, I know you know her. He didn’t turn out to her, soulmate. She decided that she was going to marry Billy Bob Thornton even before she met Him! She tattooed his name on her inner thigh.
Does the universe pick our soulmate
So my question is. Is that , How we, find our soulmate,? Does the Universe picks our, soulmate, for us?
Ilona – I get the vision thing. Honestly that’s
what I do write about in my book “Dolphins Love and Destiny” you can get my
books all on Amazon. If you just google my name alone Ilona Selke you will find my books. But let me tell you what happened after I found my, soul mate, and this ties into a bigger question Karma and destiny. Is it their free will? Is there a predestined life? Do we have a guide? Your subconscious mind is helping you because that’s what they say that anything you dream about, your subconscious mind is going out there and working for you as you’re dreaming about it.
I saw this as the big question. Do you make up life or does it make you up? To
what degree do you we have input in, How to, find our soulmate,?
So, let’s fast forward about another 6 years, not a couple years but six years.
I have a dream and in my dream
God speaks and says there’s another man you’re supposed to
Marry. Wow I say God, I am so happy we’re living like two love birds. Living, loving working everything together. Everything we do is the same, we love everything, we we’re just a match made in heaven. I think I got that dream wrong!
Whatever you hold in your head, you can hold in your hand!
It could be money, it can be people, it could be anything that you
Want. Once you think about it, there are some things
that you can do in order to make that happen.
So, Ilona what can normal mortals do to manifest their vision and, find their soulmate?
I know you are operating at a higher frequency, but 90 % of my
listeners are not going to be at your level. So what can we do every day?
Let’s give a picture here. Let’s say that you’re in your 40ths and you know you’re not married and you want to be married. You’re looking for your, soulmate, you know men have come and gone, but nobody is your, soulmate. How do you lay the ground rule or answer that question, how do I, find your soulmate,?
Can’t kind your soulmate?
I’m going to tell the story. I had a coaching client who came to me for help in her career but she was going through a bad relationship so inevitably we would talk about her relationship. She had three failed relationships in which she felt used because she had money stolen from her. But she couldn’t handle being alone so she became a pleaser in her relationships.
She was miserable in her current relationship and this guy was once again using her and taking advantage of her. I said to her, you have to
stop being afraid and picture the perfect guy that you want. You’ve got to picture what you guys are going to be doing together, picture the house you’re going to living in, etc.
We started working on that and a couple months later, one of her
ex-boyfriends from her high school contacted her on Facebook and
within a couple of months this girl had moved half the way across the country from Florida to California and was in this absolutely wonderful relationship, the same one she imagined when we did our mind work together.
A year later they got married to her, soulmate, and she is now incredibly happy. She found her, soulmate.
Ilona – Here is a trick, if you want to fall in love with someone or have them fall in love with you, gaze into their eyes for five minutes straight.
What happens when you look into another person’s eyes? They say the eyes are the door to the soul. Now imagine you’re looking but you’re not just looking at the pretty color of their eyes or whatever else you might see. Look at the feeling that you get. Almost like you could look through their pupils into another universe. Imagine you could dive into that big universe and find the star that shines through their eyes. That is how you connect with someone. That is how you get them to fall in love with you!
In my book The Wisdom of the Dolphins Love and Destiny, I described it often in my book Dream Big the Universe is listening. This is how we can connect soul to soul and when we take time.
When I wake up I go into my inner world and I\ say hello beloved, and I see my beloved Don as a star within the heavens. I imagine it as the source, God you know that we meet as a pinnacle does of two points, two lines meeting in the singular apex and at that point where you can merge two into one. When you can manage to surrender to your own identity into
that feeling of actually touching in to the other one and merging and becoming
one flame. Imagine two candles making one flame. When you get into that state, you
can practice and get there. I teach people, how to, find your soulmate, this way. They can all do it. That moment is love. You asked me to define love and here’s my definition.
Love is where two or more unite in one.
I mean we can do it as a group, we can do it as a family, we can have an apex you know like a pyramid, you know mother, father, children. You can have the apex of the unity of the family as an energy center.
I do it with Don my husband, and I go into that apex into that singular
flame and I ask that flame, I say guide our relationship to the highest possible
good for all concerned and to be of service. Because there is an intelligence
within that union that starts happening because no two physical things can be in the same place right? We bump into each other, but our souls can merge into
singularity. I found my, soulmate
Myrna – That’s awesome, that is that is very true. In our last segment, we talked about, how to, find your soulmate, and manifesting your, soulmate, we talked about merging two souls. You know looking into you know your partner’s eyes and seeing not the physical body but seeing their energy. I was just actually learning that from a book that I’m listening to right now from Dr Dwayne Dyer. Basically that’s what he suggests that you know don’t see the physical, just see the soul of the person, you can look at them through the eyes of love. That’s exactly what Ilona was talking about. So now we want to pull on her so that we can take the conversation to the next
level. I know that the word tantric sex is something to do energy, so Miss India you know about the Kama Sutra. Give us some little tidbits in how to merge our souls into fabulous sex!
How to Merge your souls into fabulous Sex
Ilona – right yes physical as well as soul union. Let’s take a deep breath here. I want to start out with a quote from Erich Fromm from his book “The Art of Loving” and he says
build walls between people now it might be a small lie, it may be an omission of
something you feel embarrassed about. Well I tell you the greatest sex starts
with the feeling, well not everybody will agree with me, but I tell you the
greatest love fulfilled sex starts with being willing to be seen. You know with
warts and all. I mean if you’re willing to be seen for who you are and that
includes all your emotional baggage, maybe your incongruencies, maybe the fact that you had a bad thought or whatever it is you don’t want to download this whole thing the first date. No you wait until both of you bit-by-bit reveal to each other your deepest internal selves. You don’t have to start out with the darkest secrets first no make it gentle and slow, but come clean to your lover to your beloved, let them see you for who you are. Because that’s the only time you will feel loved is when you are no longer acting to be somebody that you think they might love. So let you learn, let yourself be seen for who you are
and start loving yourself.
I remember the day when I laid in bed and said ok God I’ve tried to get over jealousy. I guess I’m failing. This is it me warts and all. I am still a jealous woman and I am not sure how to help myself so could you accept me like this? and I was just swept up into the heavens and God said OK. You are who you are and by just offering myself up and being willing to be seen in my eyes to God.
I made this up in my head, but I still imagined that I just surrendered who I was and I said this is me and I’m trying my best! Well I was blessed, honest to God. Later on I had angels help me walk through situations where they came in and they uplifted my energy field, and I didn’t feel jealousy I felt loved!
I felt spaciousness and that’s another thing, when you are entering into let’s
say a sexual relationship with a person if you can call in support of energies
whether you imagine them to be angels, or your inner fear guides or just plain out God or even your ancestors or your subconscious it doesn’t matter what you frame. Just say please help me discover this ability to be to merge into union and bring the right person who is capable of doing that with me, because it’s no use being the quiet Queen when your counterpart isn’t
capable. So ask for help, how to, find your soulmate,.
Slow down, breathe breathe as much as you can don’t be a rabbit, I mean that’s the number one thing we need to slow down to perceive the heart, the feeling and the way you do it is you say let’s stop for a moment and just breathe and feel each other. Let me tell you, he will have more pleasure in the end I guarantee it to you. If you delay, I learned this from a French lover when I was young delay, delay attend trick is all about delay.
So here comes the next part you can do breathing exercises, you can look into each other’s eyes, but what really matters is learning to sense maybe in little baby steps at first where do you feel that the other person really is present with you and now I’m going to give you an image. Imagine that pyramid right
so you can meet at the base of the pyramid or you can go Midway King’s
Chamber or you can go to the apex, and you can go even beyond into the stars
and if you can, and are breathing through this with your partner, I mean it takes
two people to tango, but you can then start merging or feeling or pretend
that you’re merging with the other person’s soul.
Doing this during, orgasm, allows you to pretend in your own way, not to just give away to the feeling of pleasure like rise up in your breath and pull it up and out through the top of your head into this imaginary apex in the universe with the other meets that beings soul.
Whether you know whether he or she is there or not just pretend you can do it,
touch them go for them and offer this ecstasy to the divine.
If you can believe in the divine you are really well off if not just turned over to the core big bang, the source give it to that source. In the moment of doing that. Now it takes a lot of discipline to do that you pull up
your breath you say here God I give you my orgasm ah, you’re imagining that
you’re meeting the other being soul you’re going inside kaboom. It’s
fireworks, you feel them at the other place at other time space, your body
will know what to do, believe me your body will go through whatever it goes\
through even for women or particularly you know who might take a little bit
longer or some who don’t orgasm, at a just the feeling of union will satisfy that sense when they go while the guy while let’s say typical women are a little bit behind the curve not all but and I don’t know about ethnicity but a lot of women I know they’re a little bit slower on the draw and you know it takes them longer and if the guy isn’t that feels like falling yeah it’s just biology you know it’s like anyway it takes the guy we go and journey with that other person’s soul now if you’re the guy listening right now do it with your woman. If you’re same-sex, do it with whoever you’re with and merge up into an imaginary apex of a particular spiritual.
Make it special, yeah that’s real and here is my promise.
Here’s my promise if you do this while you’re orgasmic, your orgasm will last longer.
Longer and be more satisfying you come out of the whole experience like ahhh oh my God what have I been missing?
They’re saying that one of the reasons that men go to have
affairs and then end up falling in love kind of thing, because they
think that they can just you know have sex and run, but then they’re connected.
If you knew that to become even more connected, you transcend the body and you get into the spiritual.
Myrna – I had a guest on my show you know very earlier on and she talked about the Tantric Sex, she gave me a little exercise that I do. She said that you when you if you breathe with
your partner similar to what you’re saying but if you if let’s say you’re
lying in bed and you hug them and you decide to breathe and sync with
their breath it’s almost like that spiritual hug kind of thing.
I want to remind you I love your reviews for the podcast “Transform your Mind with coach Myrna” Available on iTunes, Sticher, Tune in, Google Play,iHeart Radio. Your reviews help the show increase in ranking, which means more people can listen to fabulous content every week to get tips and strategies to Live their best lives Now!
Download Ilona’s FREE APP. It is easy to use. Wouldn’t you like to have an APP in the morning you just turn it on ten minutes and it gets you into that space where you get in touch with visualizing or feeling your success in advance and asks you to listen to your soul or feel into it and it’s beautiful music, soft voice
and it starts your day out right with focus. I made an APP for you for the morning and evening so it’s only ten minutes. It doesn’t hardly take any time to get started that’s why it’s so easy most people have ten minutes.
So visit my website Ilona Selkie or the APP store and download for Free and remember to subscribe, rate and review the podcast.
For over 14 years Amy Schoen, a professional certified life and relationship coach, has helped marriage-minded men and women get off the dating merry-go-round and finally find their life partner. She also helps her clients build a loving, committed relationship that lead to, marriage, if that is their goal.
• Amy lives in the Washington, DC Metro area with husband (#2) of 16 years, and her 10 year old son. Find out more about Amy, her services, programs and her monthly Motivated to Marry podcasts at www.MotivatedtoMarry.com also available on iTunes.
Dating with purpose: meeting the man
I have top-down approach with my clients, we first look at what you want for your Life. It’s being clear about your life. I go deep into the values and there’s a way for me to really kind of flush them out and pull them out because people think they know their values but when they go through my process they really kind of see.
Over 80% of my successfully matched, motivated to marry, couples met their
partners through, online dating, after they applied my process and, dating advice.
They become so empowered and they don’t take crap from anybody. I train them to watch out for those wishy-washy men who like well, maybe I’ll get married someday, maybe I’ll have a family one day.
Dating Advice: What to talk about on a First Date
I say on a first date there are three things that you really just
need to pay attention to: Here are, dating advice for first dates.
1. Does the conversation flow?
2. Do you not see any real apparent deal-breakers? The things
that you know are not going to work for you.
3. Are you somewhat attracted to this person? I mean not like you
can’t even imagine kissing him!
I mean usually within three or four dates you know whether somebody is
Going to work and if they are, motivated to marry,
What does, Motivated to Marry, mean?
We throw around the term, motivated to marry, so much since that is the topic of your book and that’s the topic of your expertise.
Motived to Marry, it is a, mindset, it’s, dating with purpose,
It came to me as I was dating and I was in my late thirties and I’m standing at a
party and I’m talking to this guy and he’s really cute and he plays with a
band and he’s going off to Europe for six months, and I’m kind of like
a strategic Maximizer, so I’m listening, I’m like oh my God, he’s not, motivated to marry,
Characteristics of the, motivated to marry, man or woman?
Dating with purpose, means being able to spot the, motivated to marry. The, motivated to marry, is basically somebody who if a woman looking for a man. I would say that he’s secure and is stable financially. Stable career, like everything else in his life is set, except he’s missing the missing the relationship piece.
These, motivated to marry, men tend to hate singles events and being single. They desire to have a steady companionship rather than the stress of continuing going out. I would say more introverted people tend to be, motivated to marry, and that’s why, online dating, has been phenomenal. Introverts love the internet because it’s a one-to-one medium.
How many dates should you go on before becoming exclusive?
Here is some, dating advice. By the fourth or fifth dates, you know whether you want go further. I have a whole thing about when to be exclusive and what you need before you would be willing to be a exclusive. To stop dating other people and just focus on this person. In the, motivated to marry, model I suggest that you kind of have to have the conversation about how long you’re going to be in a relationship before expecting to go the next step. I told my husband when we were dating, I’m not dating to date, I’m, dating with purpose, of marriage and having a family.
I’m, dating with purpose, I absolutely love that phrase because you can weed out so much without being intrusive.
Dating advice from Amy
I have a self-learning program I call a Home Study the, motivated to marry, dating on purpose, secrets program which is eight modules and it takes you through the, motivated to marry, process in terms of getting to know yourself better, your goals and your values, which values to focus on as well as your must-haves or deal breakers and non-negotiables; so you really build way to really sift through people quickly. I also give you a lot of ideas about how to meet people.
I have 12 areas that I’ve identified of areas that we need to pay attention to in
A relationship and the conversations we need to have with our partner and then I also give you some tools some, relationship tools. I have written article on the test of time as long-term couples have lasted and I have the relationship dating hurdles. The steps that you need to get from, dating to engagement.
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If you would like to improve the quality of your life and don’t have the budget to hire a coach, then I have an offer for you. Why not play the game of life and learn the skills to maneuver life situations. How many of you have played the game of monopoly and learned the value of having property to collect rent?
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10 ways that, childhood trauma, can sabotage your love life and relationships. Relationship Coach Riana Milne joins The Transform your Mind podcast to discuss, childhood trauma, and how it impacts our adult life. Riana is the best selling author of “Love Beyond your Dreams” and “From Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success.”
For anyone who have had trouble maintaining healthy relationships, listen to find out if your have any of the, childhood trauma, that can affect your love relationships.
IN THIS EPISODE YOU’LL LEARN:
How does, childhood trauma, impact adults in life and love?
Riana goes over ten, childhood traumas, and relate them back to how they show up in our lives as an adult.
To get the most out of this topic, Riana advise the listeners to Get a sheet of paper and make three columns.
The first column you put “ME”, the second column you put “Your partner” and the third column you put “Your parents” because research shows, childhood trauma, go through the generations.
As I speak them remember that when you were child you’re very young and innocent all you knew is what mom and dad modeled to you so there’s
nothing to feel guilt or shame about.
I don’t want people to say no it didn’t happen because they’re embarrassed or they feel shame around it.
If it is a fact, if it happened write it down.
It is like putting a puzzle together. Once you know what your, childhood trauma, is and then how it’s showing up as a for you as an adult.
As a coach, I can start putting the pieces together and everything starts making a whole lot of sense.
My favorite line is you can’t change what you don’t understand.
Childhood trauma, #1 addictions
1. Addictions – as a child, did your parents have any addiction?
Now we typically think of drugs and alcohol, but there’s also sex addiction.
If your parent was a cheater or watched porn, have an eating addiction, was a hoarder, spending or gambling, workaholic etc. There’s 11 addictive behaviors.
Childhood trauma, #2 Verbal Abuse
2. Verbal abuse – Did you witness your mom and dad screaming and yelling at each other? This, Childhood trauma, is typical is yelling screaming but this also includes no verbal alkaloids, no compliments, not hearing I love you
verbally humiliated, or put down, your opinion means nothing, or statements like “you’ll never amount to anything.” Comments like that.
Childhood trauma, #3 emotional abuse or neglect
3. Emotional abuse or Neglect – Your parents were not around, being gone for long periods of time. Research also shows latch key kids let’s say they came home from school at 3 o’clock and mom if they’re in a single household mom
had to work 9 to 5. That child is alone for two or so hours.
There’s anxiety around that. So that even falls under the neglect believe it or not. While we’re out trying to support our kids there home alone.
Childhood trauma, #4 Psychical abuse
4. Physical Abuse, Rape or Molestation – This, childhood trauma, could have happened in or outside of the home. Physical abuse is being beat hit in any way other than the typical spanking like a quick spank on the butt. Research shows that spanking does nothing to help teach your child anything, so I always say when I do parenting lectures in the schools we’re supposed to teach our child another way.
If you’re beating them or hitting them you’re teaching them to be violent back. We don’t want to do that.
Childhood trauma, #5 Abandonment
5. Abandonment – There’s two types, childhood trauma, from abandonment. Fault and No Fault abandonment.
Here are three examples, childhood trauma, from no-fault abandonment.
• a parent has to go off and serve at war
• a parent happens to die early
• early a parent travels away from the home a lot for work. 20:24
Here is an example of “Fault” abandonment:
• Divorce and the mom or dad leaves the home and is supposed to see the children every weekend and is either late or
cancels, does not pick up the child. The dad is spending more time with his new girlfriend than he is paying attention to you the child.
Childhood trauma, #6 Adoption
6. Adoption – if you were adopted, part of the foster care system, or you needed to live with relatives because mom or dad couldn’t take care of you, that even includes Grandma’s, aunts or uncles. I had a client who signed up with me she
asks “How about if we chose to live with another family because we didn’t want to go home? I said yes that falls under this category because there was always yelling and screaming in her household so she didn’t want to go home.
Childhood trauma, #7 personal trauma
7. Personal trauma – This comes from being bullied, feeling different not fitting in, being a little overweight as a child or like me skinny and gawky. Many people remember being bullying not part of the sports teams.
Childhood trauma, #8 Sibling trauma
8. Sibling trauma – Your sibling could have been born with a medical issue where it demanded more of moms and dads time. Or they could be bullying you, but most often this one applies to if you perceive your sibling as being the golden child. They were more athletically beautiful or handsome or intelligent getting better grades and mom or dad gushed over
them versus you. You were always trying to prove yourself and say see I’m worthwhile too.
Childhood trauma, #9 Community trauma
9. Community trauma – If a parent was incarcerated, if you moved a lot like military families. In the U.S.A military families move every two to four years. Growing up in lack, growing up in dangerous neighborhoods, that’s all
family trauma and community trauma. Today we can also have, childhood trauma, if we have active volcanoes, massive fire, floods, hurricanes, mass shootings in our community.
10. Mental Health – Bipolar, Manic Depression, Hidden personalities. We have Sociopaths and narcissism is part of community trauma. Sociopathic means that they have no regard for your emotional feelings, they act on what they want, when they want without thinking about their partner or the repercussions.
I am unlike every other love coach, because I specialize in how the past has harmed you and what you’re attracting. We call it same person different face. The repetitive toxic relationships and this happens to my clients who are very successful
in business but they struggle in love. They can’t figure out why like I can get the career right,
If you would like to improve the quality of your life and don’t have the budget to hire a coach, then I have an offer for you. Why not play the game of life and learn the skills to maneuver life situations. How many of you have played the game of monopoly and learned the value of having property to collect rent?
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2. Punctum fosters associative connections between photos, themes and questions. These flexible combinations make it a fascinating tool, highly effective in dynamic therapy, coaching and counseling.
3. Faces is a powerful way to get to know ourselves through the observation of others.
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What happens to us as children can affect the attachment style we carry into our adult relationships. Childhood Trauma, hugely influences attachment. Often people who grew up in happy, healthy, and stable homes where caregivers were emotionally available and responsive to their needs have a secure attachment style. These people don’t push partners away or cling too tightly. While they may have troubles in their relationships, an unhealthy attachment style isn’t the cause.
Online dating, during COVID 19 is happening the same way as online purchases and e-commerce. During the last year we have been buying most of everything online. Dating and relationship coach, Anwar White says for his clients, dating apps, are the primary way that they are meeting future partners or just, dating, in general. That’s going to be the case after, COVID 19, when things open back and we can date in person again. I thing like e-commerce, 20% of people will remain on, dating apps.
Today we have an exciting topic for all you single ladies and single men out there. We are going to be talking on the topic of How to Find Success Dating during COVID 19.
Listen to the full interview Here:
My guest today is dating and, relationship coach, Anwar White. Anwar is going to share tips on, online dating, during these unprecedented times of, COVID 19, where everything is remote. Single women, can’t meet their date in person.
We want to include some information on, Christian dating. The bible says in second Corinthians:
Do not be unequally yoked which means that Christians should look for partners in, marriage, where both of them share the same beliefs and practices such as praying, reading the bible and going to church.
Dating Tips on How to Get Your Guy
Myrna – Tell us your journey to becoming, dating coach, and podcast Host of the “How to Get Your Guy”. I guess the, dating, conversation is towards women.
Anwar – My name is Anwar White, and I have been helping the boys talk to the girls and the girls talked to the boys ever since elementary school. I started doing this work as a, dating coach, when catching up with my female classmates and found out everything was going well in their life except for love.
It was so crazy to me because these women were the most amazing women. Well educated, beautiful and successful and yet they could not find a man. So, I told them I’m taking over your love life! I slowly started working with a variety of my former classmates and we had lot of really great success. They were having boyfriends very quickly and they were getting married within two years.
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Helping Women of Color Date Effectively
I got certified as a, relationship coach, and started working with thousands of women and men all around the world. I don’t want your listeners to think I focus just on women.
I am very focused on how men are thinking about, dating, and, relationships, as well. So I’ve been doing my own thing as an entrepreneur and coaching women all around the world, specifically, women of color. Smart, successful, women of color, on how to heal their heart, how to date effectively and then, How to Get Their Guy, on my podcast.
Myrna -It sounds like you were born with the aptitude for this work because when people start doing things earlier on in life, it is usually their purpose. We are experiencing huge growth on, dating apps, and the, online dating, world During, COVID 19, pandemic. Do you think the, dating, world will be forever changed after, COVID 19?
Is online Dating Here to Stay
Anwar – I think about, online dating, the same way I think about online purchases and e-commerce. During the last year we have been buying most of everything online. I know for the clients that I work with, dating apps, is the primary way that they are meeting future partners or just, dating, in general. That that’s going to be the case after, COVID 19. When things open back and we can date in person again, I thing like e-commerce, 20% of people will remain on, dating apps.
It’s crazy because it’s similar in terms of, online dating. Roughly 20% of, relationships, came from, online dating, right now that looks like a little bit more like 40 to 50%.
How can one find success dating during COVID 19
Anwar- It depends on what their definition of success means. For some marriage is not their end goal, they just want to connect with someone. My clients have different wants and desires. The other thing that I wanted to about success in, online dating, is specifically during this time is that we have the time to self-reflect and to have more self-awareness.
You have to bring your whole entire self to this, love game, or you’re not going to be successful. If you’re you not addressing the things that you have been avoiding or ignoring or ashamed of and you’re hiding those parts of yourself, then people are not really getting to know you or able to love you fully. So, take this time to address and heal some of those things so that when they are meeting their person, they can be ready to be the best partner that they can be.
Myrna – Do you think that people can do self-reflection themselves or they’re hiring a, dating coach, like you for instance.
Hiring a Dating Coach Helps you become your best self
Anwar – Some are hiring a, dating coach, I think the coaching industry has exploded. People have had the time and space to sit back, exhale and be like oh I’m not happy about these things. Instead of working and doing that rat race.
Coaches can help you with those blind spots to accelerate that work and potentially that healing to get you to your goal faster.
Myrna – 95% of us are not living conscious lives which means that they can’t sit down and self-evaluate or see their blind spots.
What are the top, dating, mindset shifts that are critical to successful, Online dating?
Anwar – I think there are a couple of things when I think about kind of mindset shifts when it comes to, dating. First is a lot of people try to date their clone, someone who’s just like them. If I am from the Caribbean and I am a Christian and I work in IT, that is who they want to partner with.
I have a really great success rate in terms of getting my clients partnering with someone who is not their clone. I think it’s important for us to realize that we have to be more open-minded when it comes to, dating, and realize that it’s not about what their resume or what their paper looks like; it’s really about how they’re making me feel.
I work with smart and successful women. My clients are Harvard educated and most of them has a list of the things they want in a man. We have to shift our mindset around, you had an amazing time with this person.
On the men’s side it’s about really how she looks and how seductive she is and her
curvature and all of that, so we have to think beyond that and really focus in on the things that are going to fulfill us from a long-term perspective, because chemistry is short lived.
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Is Compatibility more important than Chemistry in Dating?
Another mindset shift that I want us to be thinking about is, compatibility vs chemistry. How we how we vibe, how we connect, how we mesh. I always think of, compatibility, is. Can we make a thousand decisions in one day together? Because that’s really what being a really in a, relationship, is all about. You must be able to be on the same page on a lot of different subjects.
The mindset shift is about prioritizing, compatibility, over, chemistry. I think a lot of people are focused on the, chemistry, when they’re, dating, and not the, compatibility. The, chemistry, is those butterflies in my stomach. Chemistry, chemically fades within 18 months from our body and then all you are left with is, compatibility.
When you look at, divorce rates, those first two years are so crucial, because often times what happens is that, chemistry, starts to fade during that time.
Dating Advice on Finding the Right Guy
If you’re a woman out there and you want a guy that is making six figures that’s great; but that’s only nine percent of the population.
If you want a guy who is six feet tall, that’s good; but that’s roughly eight percent of the population
If you want a man with a graduate degree that’s six percent of people out there
If you want someone who owns their own home that’s 20% of the population.
Multiply all of that together you actually have a one percent chance of finding your guy and that’s not even taking into account if that person likes you back.
You must know how this, love game, works. Nine out of the ten people that you meet are not going to be the one. Knowing the numbers ahead of time saves your heart and saves any of the mental chatter, you know of the stories that you tell yourself. The ones that don’t serve you, I am not good enough, I will never meet the right guy.