The difference between a, princess, and a, queen, is that the, princess, is waiting on someone to come and save while the, queen, has the emotional maturity to know that she has to save herself and her people.
In this episode, Gina DeVee, author of the, Audacity to Be Queen, makes reference to, Queen Esther, in the bible story of how she used her influence with the King to save her people the Jews. She didn’t wait on a prince to save her, she learnt how to communicate with the King
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Gina went from being a broke psychologist to a multi-million dollar women’s empowerment and lifestyle brand with Divine Living. She has dedicated her career to helping women connect spiritually, start profitable businesses, and create wealth from a feminine perspective. Some of those women include Jen Sincero, who (fun fact!) dedicated her book on money to Gina.
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The Princess Mentality
The, princess mentality, is tough for us women, because we’re read stories from a very young age and most the impressionable time about being a, princess. And how someone else is going to come save us that we will live happily ever after.
So, for us to get out of the, princess mentality, and develop the emotional maturity and the wisdom that a, queen, has, that life isn’t perfect. Life isn’t fair. It doesn’t mean it’s horrible, though. either. It’s just the way it is.
Gina: I grew up Christian and my book is not overtly Christian, but it is based on the, book of Esther, in the Bible. Jews know the story from the Bible, and for everyone else, it’s kind of a Cinderella story, basically, Esther, was the most unlikely candidate to become the, Queen, of Persia.
I was on a plane one day and reading the Bible. I happened to be reading the book of, Esther, that day, and it was the first time that it really leapt off the page. And I was like, this isn’t just Esther’s story. This is the story of every woman, on some level, maybe symbolically. We’ve all been orphaned, exiled, taken out of our comfort zone, and really had been prepared for such a time as this. And I just really saw it almost as the heroine’s journey of us all and started doing retreats and workshops on it. So really, the substance of my work is about being the, Queen, based on the character of, Esther’s story.
Myrna: You okay, so we got that from, Queen Esther. I was thinking you meant when a man calls his woman his, Queen.
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Queen Esther saves the Jews
Gina: I go through a lot more in chapter four in my book, so if anyone wants the cool, Queen Esther, story from when I also realized is, you know, Esther, was under an enormous amount of pressure, she had to risk her life. The king didn’t know he had married a Jew, and so she had to reveal who she was, she could have gotten killed. And even under all these pressures, she maintains what the Scriptures say a pleasing disposition, aka positive.
Well, I’m Sicilian, so I can be kind of fiery. One of the things that I do in the book, I talk about the, archetype of Queen, really being our highest self. And then there’s all these other, archetypes, that can show up along the way. And as you pointed out, the, Bitch, is one of them. I think that what happens is I wrote about this in chapter three, growing up to feel safe. None of us grew up in functional families.
Let’s just be clear, there is a certain level of dysfunction in families, the way society set things up, we took either two routes, we took compliance, be the, good girl, do everything right, follow the rules, you know, or defiance. Either or both of them, keep us out of our true self. And so, what I found for myself is I lived so long as a perfect and Little Miss good girl, I was so compliant.
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The bitch way of communicating
That when I was done with being the, good girl, I did the pendulum swing into defiance. And it was because I still didn’t really feel like I had power. So, I would let these, bitchy comments, kind of blow out of my mouth when I was under stress or feeling cornered, because I didn’t know how to be an alliance. And so that’s one of the things that I teach in my book is about how we can really speak the truth in love. You don’t have to be a doormat; you don’t have to not have boundaries. And you don’t have to be this, bitch, about it either.
Myrna; All right, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. Because people are always talking to me about, tonality, where you know, it comes across very aggressive when I say something, but I don’t know how not to sound, bitchy, if I’m annoyed. But it doesn’t mean that I want to be a, bitch, it’s just my direct way of communicating. So, what you’re saying is that women can, say what they want to say that’s on their mind, but say, in a queenly way, is that what you’re saying?
Gina: Yes, exactly. You know, speaking the truth without love. It’s just brutal honesty. So, when you when you come from a place of love, you consider your needs, your desires, what it is that you’re looking to communicate and you deeply consider the other person also. And so, when you when you come from this place, what you’re saying might not be popular, it might not even be well received, but you will feel better about yourself because you will know that to the best of your ability you actually set up a win-win situation.
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The 4 communication Archetypes
Myrna: Okay, so that’s basically how you define a, bitch mode of communication. So that’s probably a good segue to talk about. The, archetypes, right. You said there’s four, archetypes:
So, explain, these, archetypes, and maybe give us an example of the, communication, in each them.
Gina: Sure, those are four I do write about many, many more in the book, “The Audacity to be Queen” but I think that we all can see ourselves when we are we self-sabotaging? When we are a, martyr.
Gina: The, princess mentality, is tough for us women, because we’re read stories from a very young age and most the impressionable time about being a, princess. And how someone else is going to come save us that we will live happily ever after. So, Princesses, think that there is this happily ever after in this perfect scenario and then becomes very confused and very distraught when it doesn’t happen and real life shows up.
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The language of a Queen
Myrna: One of the things I loved about, Queen Esther’s, story is she was pushed into this position, you know, to see to save her people. And she embraced it. I loved the fact that she knew how to talk to the king, right? She knew how to ask the King for what she wanted. I wrote that down her strategy for when I want to request anything from my husband. Queen Esther, says “if it pleases Your Highness” That is definitely, Queen, language.
I found that story very amazing that, Queen Esther, learned how to talk to her husband to get what she wanted. A lot of people, a lot of women, don’t want to give the man the respect in order to get what they want from him. So yeah, the, Queen, archetype is knowing how to communicate like a, queen.
All right so our topic today is, how can women cure to disease to please. Let’s talk about the, desire to please, and the, disease to please, and then how you go about teaching women to cure it?
Gina: So, codependency is really what we’re talking about here. It’s when we are just operating to get other people’s approval, love, admiration. And it’s not really a preference. It’s like when I was really codependent it’s like, it’s what I needed to feel safe in the world. And so, I was always monitoring what does someone else want? What do I need to say that’s going to make them happy, or it’s going to make them like me, or it’s going to be acceptable to them?
The disease to please
And so, too, oftentimes, modern day women are just terrified of what other people are going to think about them or what other people are going to say, and it stops them from being in the relationship they want to be in or starting the business they want to start or being invisible online. Or speaking their truth. Like there’s so much that the, disease to please, holds back someone’s truth, it’s going to keep them from their destiny.
So, really healing codependency and curing that so to speak in our lives, it’s one of the most courageous journeys a woman could be on, to stop needing other people’s permission or approval. And, you know, the more you give yourself permission, the more you approve of yourself, is going to be the way that you’re going to attract people who feel similarly and it’s the more freedom. It’s the only way you’re going to live a free life.
Myrna: Women always feel you know, when they have the, disease to please, is that they always feel being authentic and understanding there, personal power, is the way to not have to feel that you’d like to please whether it’s your children, whether it’s your man, it’s your boss, you know, wherever you feel that you the, desire to please, in order for you to get attention.
You talked about the feminine perspective. How are you differentiating that in being a, Queen?
The Feminine perspective of Queen
Gina: Yes, well, one of the reasons why I love the, archetype of Queen, is because she’s not all feminine. She’s not a goddess. She is not a mermaid waiting for her, prince, to come save her. And she’s not all like, masculine, like I’m going to take the bull by the horns and I’m going to hustle and have massive action. The, Queen, is not like the, Tony Robbins, or Gary Vaynerchuk way of being in the world are like that empowered and masculine. The, Queen, has both male and female energy, there is masculine and feminine energy.
It’s just the western world is obsessed, addicted really to all things masculine. So, the difference is, masculine energy, which is all things logical, practical, predictable, linear, it’s about action. It’s about thinking. Those are all these masculine traits and ultimately, masculinity is about giving.
And then, femininity is about the, spiritual, the creative, the playful, the passionate, the nonlinear. It’s a circle, it’s about feeling not thinking, it’s about being not taking action. And ultimately, femininity, is about receiving.
All of us have seen people in positions of power, whether they’re male or female, be the ones giving is in control, you know, initiating, taking that action so that’s what we have thought of when we think of success, and it’s just a different age and a different time and particularly women need to get better at receiving a compliment, receiving well exceeded attention. Receiving good in your life and let him know there’s a time play and to be creative and relax, rather than always working, being productive, being effective, all that kind of stuff. So, you know, really getting clear that there is, masculine energy, and there is, feminine energy.
Masculine and feminine energy
Myrna: that’s a good one because you’re right, women have a problem receiving. They have the, disease to please, because they always want to give and when it’s time to receive, they don’t know how to receive. I tell my daughter all the time, the same thing. We’ve got to learn how to receive.
Gina: So, no matter what you’re taught, most of us have been taught, money, doesn’t grow on trees. You have to work if you want more, money, you have to work harder. And it’s about work all the time. And make sure you save up for a down payment for a home and save, money, for retirement and all this logical linear stuff. And the, feminine energy, way is different.
That’s all the, masculine energy, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. It’s like a painting of one color. It’s one dimensional and there’s just other colors to choose from also. So, it’s not about not being, masculine, but it’s about incorporating the, feminine. So, the, feminine, way it’s going to be creative.
The, feminine, is like, do I even want to own my home? Maybe I would rather rent my home and have, money, to travel because that’s part of my value system. Or maybe it’s actually a smarter for me to take the, money, that I would put into a house was only going to make X amount over X number of years and put it into a different kind of investment that maybe didn’t exist when our parents or grandparents told us save for a down payment for a house or real estate.
You know, and so that’s the, feminine, approach of being more creative or spiritually guided or not so logical and linear but being circular and looking at other possibilities that might even be smarter.
Feminine energy is creative
Myrna: Yeah, I like the creative approach to this definitely right. Feminine energy, is definitely creative. We were built to create. So that is that is definitely, feminine energy. Yeah, so I like that. All right, so yeah, so is there anything else that you want to share that I didn’t ask you?
Gina: I think the thing to really keep in mind especially right now for everyone, I don’t know anyone that’s not reconsidering their life with everything that we’ve all been through. Everyone’s asking what am I doing with my life and you know reevaluating is this even where I want to live? Is this the relationship I want to be in? Is this the job I want? If you have a business, is this the way I want to be doing business?
I really do invite everyone to deeply explore what else is possible because the truth is, we’re not going back to the way it was before the pandemic. That world is an era and consciousness that is done and over. So, a new world opens up, it’s about new and expansion and expression and creative possibility.
So, if you’re yearning for something more, a better life, lean into that. If there’s desires that you used to put off and said, well, I’ll do that later when the kids go to college, or when I retire, when there’s enough time or money left over. What if you started with your desires, what if you prioritize yourself? What if you said no, what if you set a boundary when everyone’s used to you being so available?
The Audacity to be Queen
Myrna: How does everything that you teach circle back to being a, queen?
Gina: Yes. So, the book “The Audacity to be Queen” starts out about how the epic life is possible. Because we got to get back into dreaming. We got to get to especially as adults, we’ve gotten a lot of things knocked out of us our self-confidence, things haven’t worked out. And it can be really tempting to just sit on the sidelines, take it easy, play small, stay safe, you know, whatever that is, so we got to get back into dreaming event.
And then chapter two is on, spirituality, is your superpower. I’m too old to be working that hard anymore. It’s is time for us to really let Spirit and God come in and open us up for miracles, and we got to open up for big opportunities. The way that the Bible talks about my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher.
They say you can work hard, but not work smart. When you get the call of God in your plans and whatever, then you don’t have to do it. And then, when things don’t go your way, like being able to rely on, spirituality, first of all, that’s where faith comes in. And then we get into really exploring much more deeply the difference between, masculine energy, and, feminine energy, and what it actually means to be, feminine. It’s not just about lipstick and a manicure. It’s a whole skill set and way of being in the world.
And then in chapter four talks about like the ultimate, Queen, and how for all of us, this is such a time to be a, Queen. We have been prepared to, be of service to our people. So that’s the real foundation, we’re all meant to be queen and we’re in our lives, like what happened? Why are we not swinging? So, we got to look at some of the unconscious thoughts and beliefs about, self-sabotage, and the, disease to please, and the comparison trap and all of the lack of mind training that most of us have not had. And there’s a lot of tools and exercises in the book that really teach us the mind training.