Help Me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Help me, makeover my marriage, improve intimacy, find personal time and communicate better with my, husband. Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Welcome to the premiere episode of, Help Me Makeover My Marriage. Today we are going to talk about, communication, in a  marriage. 

I’m your host Life coach Myrna Young, my guest today is Michele Brunson and together we want to share our experiences in our, marriages, to help you, makeover my marriage. 

Listen to the full Episode Here:

I can be called the Marrying Woman

I have been married four times so you can call me a, marrying woman, for a total of 30 years.  Michele has been married for 25 years. Her husband died last year, we give her our condolences. 

We want to  help you to with your, marriage makeover. A lot of times when things are not going right in our, marriage, or our, relationships, we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, so we think I’m going to be able to find someone better, but I’ll tell you,

 “The grass is never greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.” 

 

Wherever you put your attention on, wherever you put your focus on is definitely what’s going to grow. So Michelle and I will give you, marriage advice,  and strategies to help you to, makeover my marriage. 

Treat your husband according to knowledge

The reason we’re saying that, you need to be the change you seek, is because I’ve always remembered what my Pastor Tony said to me years ago, maybe about 20 years ago. A lot of times we don’t use knowledge and knowledge is never useful until used. Pastor Tony said to me. “Whenever I go to God, I never ask him to change my, wife, I ask him to change me.”  

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The reason that’s important is because like me and most of you, we’re always blaming our, husbands, or our partners for whatever is wrong in our, relationships. I am in my fourth, marriage,  now as I said before and I came into this, marriage, with all kinds of expectations. 

I was in my 40’s when I got, married, this last time, so I had a lot of stuff that came with me. 

  1. Baggage and expectations and I brought it all into my, marriage, and we started having all the same problems again because you are the common denominator if you have multiple, marriages, and everything  follows you. 

When I decided to change ME my, marriage, started getting better.  This was 20 years after I heard that advice, a lot of times we have knowledge and we don’t actually use it. My current teacher,  Pastor Glover would say

“treat your, husband, like he’s your king and love him the way you want to be loved.” 

So that’s what I did and a remarkable thing happened!  I found out that I enjoyed serving my, husband,  I enjoyed treating my, husband, like my king and our relationship started to mend, because I was no longer pointing fingers.  I was no longer you not talking to him because of something he wasn’t doing. 

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So, in this episode and subsequent episodes we’re going to give you information on how to change YOU,  because it all starts with you. 

In this first segment of “Help Me Makeover My Marriage,” we’re going to do a question and answer, later segments we’ll have guests come on the show. Today we are gonna start with questions that was sent into us from my  Facebook group called Lifecoach 

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Help me Makeover my Marriage and get Intimacy Back

Our first question comes from Debbie in Miami, Florida.  Debbie writes:

I’ve been married for 12 years my, husband,  and I have two children ages 7 and 10. I immersed myself in the role of mother and, wife, as a, stay-at-home mom, while my, husband, worked full-time and saw his role as the provider. 

As a, stay-at-home mom, I rarely took time for myself and began to resent my, husband, for not helping with the kids and not paying me any attention. Our, intimacy, suffered and my resentment built up.  I even started looking outside the, marriage, for fulfillment

Debbie’s asks, Help me, makeover my marriage, and recapture, intimacy

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Myrna – Debbie I had a similar experience with my second, husband, and my, marriage, ended

because I built up resentment and never communicated  this to my, husband. The situation was reversed. I was the breadwinner making most of the money and he sat around doing nothing because he told me that housework and looking after the kids was women’s work. 

So, here I was paying all the bills and I was being treated like the maid. I built up resentment and that, marriage, eventually ended, but now I know better.  Again knowledge is only powerful when you use it. Now I know that what Debbie should do is to ask for help. She should say to her, husband. 

“Babe I know that you work all day and you’re the provider for this family and we made this contract that I’m going to be a, stay-at-home mom, but I need a break. Can you help out?”

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I need you to help around the house. I need you to help with the kids, because being a mom is a full-time job. He goes to work from nine to five and then he’s off, but a mom is always on the job, it’s a full-time job. Maybe also get a babysitter for kids every two weeks or something and have date night so, that you guys can be together without the kids and recapture, intimacy. 

So my advice to you would be to Help, makeover my marriage, is: 

  • First of all ask for what you want 
  • And second, make the time to do your part. 

If you have the, intention, that you are gonna love your, husband, and you’re gonna appreciate him for being the breadwinner, because that’s what he is, and you show him appreciation, he will give you back love.  

Michelle what would you say to Debbie from your experience? Mitchell is actually an Intercessor, so maybe you can bring in a biblical touch or scripture from the bible that can help Debbie, makeover my marriage. 

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Michele – Myrna I want to thank you for having me on your show.  My advice to Debbie to help her, makeover my marriage, would first off be pray for your, husband, first because most, wives, don’t start there. Pray for your, husband, because God is his creator and he will change any situation concerning your, husband, and if your, husband, is providing for the family no, husband, wants to come home after fighting all day at work and have to fight with his, wife. 

So, the first thing that she needs to do is have peace in her home, if her, husband, is  providing and it’s for a season, because like you said y’all in this contract together and you chose to be a, stay-at-home mom. 

Another, marriage advice, would be to have a schedule because some women don’t know how to have a schedule. Monday you might do one thing, Tuesday something else. Don’t try to do everything all at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed and burnt out. 

If you feel mis-valued in your, marriage, you should have, communication, with your, husband, about it. You should value one another, you value him as your king.  Once you start with valuing your, husband, and appreciating him for who he is. He’s going out there making it happen every day and providing for you and the kids, you should make him feel comfortable in his own home. 

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Marriage Makeover Wives become a Woman of Noble Character

As, wives, we create the atmosphere in the home. I would have her reflect on Proverbs 31:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

11. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

12. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

13. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

14. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

15. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

16. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

18. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

19. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

21. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

26. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”  

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Help me Makeover My Marriage Self-care

Myrna – That’s what we fail to do sometimes as women, we forget to take care of ourselves.  Self-care, is very important and that’s what she’s lacking, because she’s so consumed with looking after the kids she’s not doing, self-care.  Self-care, also leads to, intimacy, because if you look good you’re going to feel good and your, husband, is going to feel that, sexual energy

What advice do you give Debbie for re-establishing, intimacy,  with her husband? 

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I have always scheduled personal time with my husband, even when we go on vacations. 

One time we take the kids and one time we go alone. Women do not understand that they need personal time alone with their spouse without the kids to keep, intimacy, alive. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage Personal Time

Michele – I would get up before everybody else in the house got up for my, personal time, of  prayer because that really set up my entire day. Once you pray and set the environment, your day will be less stressful. 

Myrna – That’s good, marriage advice, a lot of women take time for, self-care, at the end of the night when the kids are in bed. 

Before we go to the next question let’s circle back to reiterate that, wives, got to appreciate their, husbands, for what he does for the family.  In this case Debbie need to show appreciation for her, husband, as the breadwinner. 

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Makeover My Marriage – Intimacy

Our next question for Help me, makeover my marriage, comes from Hollis in Atlanta, Georgia.  Hollis writes I have been married for 10 years,  my, husband,  and I have a good, marriage, not great because he does not like to talk.  The slightest disagreement sends him into his, man cave, and I can’t reach him or get him to talk, Help me, makeover my marriage, and improve my, communication, with my, husband. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Like I said earlier the, marriage advice, that I’m giving is, marriage tips, that I can pull from my personal, marriage, experience. Right now I’m married to a man who does not like to talk and i like to talk. So normally I would lead the conversation and he would sit there and listen, then I would say you know conversation is a dialogue and he would say I’m listening to you. 

But recently I changed that model. I just finished reading the book “What Happened to You” By Oprah Winfrey and Dr Perry.  Dr Perry was explaining why kids who experienced trauma don’t talk. 

Dr Perry discovered that not even trained therapists can get these kids to talk until they are ready.  You just have to give them time and space. Sometimes it means sitting or doing projects in total silence.  When they are ready to talk, they will talk. 

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So I used that information and now when I sit with my husband,  I just let there be space and whenever he’s ready to talk then he will talk. It’s very uncomfortable for me because I like to talk.  But I did and so far this approach is working. We have had some good conversations from this approach.  

Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Help me Makeover My Marriage and get my Husband out of his Man Cave

Michelle what was your experience with your, husband,  with, communication. Did he go in to a , man cave? 

Michelle –  First of all, we all have different temperaments and personalities,  my, husband, was more of a, phlegmatic. Phlegmatics have an unemotional and stolidly calm disposition.

So he was a laid-back, easygoing type of guy. 

It’s been said that a woman speaks a thousand more words than the man so, I would just find something that interests him to talk about.  Most men don’t analyze things the way we do and they’re not as emotional as we are. We like to talk about everything and they don’t always understand why we need to always be talking.

Myrna – So let’s say that you wanted to talk to your, husband, about quality time, for example, or something that’s going on in your, relationship,  did you start the conversation talking to him about something he likes to talk about and then kind of steer the conversation to quality time? 

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Michelle –  Our quality time was watching TV together or shopping for groceries. 

Myrna – Okay I was just using quality time as a placeholder for any conversation you want to have with your husband that was important. 

For example, once in a while I would  want to talk to my, husband, about where our, marriage, is going or where we see ourselves in 10 to 15 years from now, or something like that. 

I am a Life coach right and I want to steer the conversation in that direction my, husband, would push back and say you’re not my coach!

So getting back to Hollis’s question. What advice would you give to move her, husband, out of his, man cave, and get him to open up? 

Husbands need to process things longer than Wives

Michelle – I would tell her that men have to process things, so I would give him time. 

If they had a conflict or something, men and women process differently.  Wives, want an answer right then while, husbands, might take a day or two to process before they want to discuss the situation. 

Myrna – I like that answer, give them time to process.  I would add give them space to process.  Don’t go into their, man cave, and harass them.  Let them be until they are ready to come out. 

In the meantime don’t withhold love or affection. 

Even though we’re not talking about a physical, man cave, even though some men have a physical space they hide out in, we are talking about going into the mental, man cave.  

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Conclusion Help me Makeover My Marriage 

In this premier episode of, Help me, makeover my marriage, we had a couple of questions and even though they might look different, they’re both dealing with, communication, in your, marriage. 

Debbie didn’t really communicate with her, husband, that she needed help around the house or that she needed him to pay her some attention,  she just built up animosity that he wasn’t doing these things. 

Hollis wanted some information on, communication, with her husband once he’s in his, man cave. What to do either to get him out of the, man cave, or prevent him from going into the, man cave. So, communication, is very important, marriage counselors, say that it is the top reason couples get divorced. 

I started off the segment talking about what we can as, wives, to change instead of asking God to change our, husbands. We need to learn to deal with our, husbands, according to knowledge.  If we know they don’t like to talk, then we should not push the issue.  Like I learned from Dr Perry, let them talk when they are ready. Even if they don’t want to talk they have ears to listen. 

Remember to ask for what you want.  If you need help around the house, ask for help.  If you need affection, ask for it. 

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When you don’t ask for want you want or communicate your desires, then resentment builds up and the energy in the house changes. You can feel tension. If you have the intention to have peace in your home and to love and appreciate your, husband, he will feel that energy and your home will be peaceful and full of love. 

Thanks for reading this blog, listening or watching to the premier episode of “Help me make over my marriage”  I will post and air an episode once per month, please subscribe to the Transform Your Mind To Transform your Life podcast to get all new episodes in your inbox. 

Until next time Live Life to the Fullest. 

Additional Resources

The Best Marriage Advice for Wives to Fix a Broken Marriage