Failure, leaves clues so a coach can recognize your, failure symptoms. Most of us run on auto pilot. Science shows that 95% of humans operate on a subconscious level, and only 5% of us are aware and conscious of our daily actions. One of the reasons coaching is so successful is that it allows you to “know thyself” a little better by revealing your, blind spots, or areas of, unconscious patterns, including why we fail.
Most of us are unable to clearly state our abilities. We overestimate them, we underestimate them, we become complacent; we allow them to decay. Occasionally we are unaware that they exist. It is important you recognize your, failure symptoms
1: The most common cause of, failure, is to, blame, others. Don't blame me, Victims, have no power, when you, blame, others for your, failure in life, you are saying that you have no power.
It is said that the difference between witchcraft and medicine is that when a man falls sick, witchcraft makes him ask ” who did this to me” medicine makes him ask “what did this to me”.
When we, blame, others for our, failures, we do not recognize that no one has the power to make us fail, you must accept responsibility for your part and learn from it.
Do you Blame Yourself?
2: The second cause of, failure, is the tendency to, blame oneself. We tell ourselves things like “why was I such a fool, what an easy mark I am, why do I always put my foot in my mouth etc.” For example, your marriage fails and you, blame yourself, for choosing the man in the first place. You, blame yourself, for not recognizing the red flags.
How to stop self blame: – Instead of, blaming yourself, you should tell yourself that you did your best with the information you had at the time and that it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Blaming yourself plants deep feelings of inferiority and insecurity which will later strike up like weeds to dominate the garden of your mind. Excessive, self-blame, opens the door to guilt. Self-blame, also closes the door to, self-development.
How to set goals
3: The 3rd cause of, failure, has to do with, setting goals. Having no goals or having low goals. Dr William Menninger says “a fellow must know where he wants to go, if he is going to get anywhere.”
No goals are bad enough, but, low goals, are worse. Like, setting goals, to get the highest number on video games. That is an example of a, low goal.
Happiness is the pursuit of a goal or purpose, if you have, no goals, then you are a, failure.
How to set goals: choosing the wrong goal
4: The 4th common, cause of failure, is choosing the, wrong goal. Imagine that you have the, goal, to become a social worker, you graduated with your Bachelor’s Degree and your Master’s Degree and then worked for 20 years as a social worker; but you get to your 50’s and realize that what you really wanted to be was a politician and work for the citizens of your country to make policies than benefit all. After reaching the fifth nor 6th decade it is too late to turn back. That is why it is a good idea to understand your passions and listen to your heart early in life to determine the direction you should go.
Taking a short cut
5: The 5th, failure symptom, I want to leave you with today – is taking a, short cut.
An electric current will follow the line of least resistance; but a bulb glows because there is resistance.
Taking the short cut, many of us choose the shortest, easiest quickest way to success, only to discover that success was illusory; the bulb did not glow. No conquest can be achieved without hard work– no conquest can give true pleasure if it has not required hard work.
My grandmother would say there are, no short cuts in life, when you take the path of lease resistant you usually find yourself at the wrong destination and have to start all over.
https://youtu.be/UDZvuXqZDQ0
Conclusion
These are the 5 most common, causes of failure, if you become conscious of them then you can recognize them when they show up and make a better choice.
Never blame anyone for your life, you are in control.
Do not blame yourself, we were not given a manual at birth, we do as best as we can with the information we have.
Goal setting – Happiness is working towards a goal, set goals and work towards them.
Check in with yourself thorough out your life to see if you are getting any fulfillment from your career, so you won’t get to your 50’s and find out that you chose the wrong path.
Finally, don’t take the, short cut, they rarely get you there faster.
Lena Derhally, author of the Facebook Narcissist shares what is, narcissism, what is the difference between, narcissists, psychopaths, and other personality disorders. Lena shares her research on why, narcissists, commit, mass shootings, and why they are using, social media, to get attention.
Lena Derhallyis a licensed psychotherapist certified in Imago Relationship Therapy. She was formerly a clinical instructor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the George Washington School of Medicine, where she mentored medical students. Lena is passionate about antiwar movements and social justice, and Author of the Book The Facebook Narcissist A comprehensive guide for understanding how narcissism on social media impacts our mental health, how to protect ourselves and our children from those affects as well as from narcissists, and how to use social media more mindfully.
Myrna: How did you transition from a psychotherapist into behavioral sciences? Do you have a personal story?
Lena: I got really interested in, narcissism criminology, when they called it, personality disorders. Because when I was in my 20s, I was in a relationship with a, narcissist. So that was very verbally emotionally abusive, and it really informed my career path and I'm in a private practice now. But what I really wanted to do. I used to work with cancer patients and I work with mentally ill homeless people. And then I transitioned to working in couples work, but part of what I do with couples and individuals is I help them identify red flags and, abusive relationships.
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Narcissistic abusive relationships
And it's always been a passion of mine, especially with women of course. Men can be in, abusive relationships, but really to help women recognize that. There's a lot of, abusive relationships, out there. I think more than that even reported, and so it's really just been a passion of mine, just to help people and not just in, relationships, as we move to the topic of, mass shooting, for media narcissism. My first book was a true crime, about a family annihilator who murdered his pregnant wife and toddler daughter so he could be with another woman.
And that book was also to sort of break down for people because he showed no warning. They really wanted to break it down. So, people sort of see well how does something like this happen? How does somebody have this mask on for so long and then take it off and become really evil? I sort of explore these, narcissistic, people in hopes that we can educate people because I think protecting ourselves from these toxic people is one of the fundamental skills of life especially for younger people.
Myrna: I absolutely love this topic. And it's really interesting, but I became psychological linked to, narcissism, after reading a book called “The Psychopath Next Door.” And that story resonated with me. I read that maybe even like 20 years ago, but I always resonate with that story of a how a, psychopath, and, narcissism.
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I'm not even sure what the difference is. Between the two them, but how they can just plan to destroy you. Like just if you said this gentleman that killed his pregnant wife and, and child because he wanted something else and to me, that's the link for the, narcissism, and, psychopaths, because they can destroy you without a conscience without a thought.
Just so that maybe they can get to the other side or whatever. So, I have I have actually loved this topic. I don't do enough of them on the show, but I talk to people every day about, narcissism, and I'm glad that you as you said, a lot of people are these, relationships. And I want to say beautiful, but it's not really beautiful.
I want to say the amazing thing about these people. Is that oh you know, we're gonna get into the basic, narcissist, and the, mass shooters. But the, narcissist, that I know that I've heard about or read about who charming, they're beautiful, they're the life of the party and you would not yes, yeah, yeah. Do you want?
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One of the important things you brought up is that there's a common theme with, narcissist sociopath, psychopath, and that's low to no empathy and that is working with the ability to destroy other important content just to get ahead. Even if it's just throwing someone under the bus at work. It doesn't have to be a murderer, but it's just the, lack of conscience, no empathy, and they don't feel remorse and I think it's really hard for people.
I call quote unquote, normal people or people who are not who don't have these, antisocial traits. to even understand that somebody can't feel remorse or empathy. But that's again, that's why we're talking about this is because you don't you want to cut those people off. You don't want to have anything to do with self-protection.
iHeart Radio
The connection between mass shooting and social media
Myrna: So right off the bat, I want to get into the, social media, stuff so I'm questions I have here is what is the connection between, mass shootings, and social media breaks it down for us?
Lena: It's a great question, and there's a lot of connections. I'm gonna break them down. One, you know, the social media culture that we have today especially, we're looking at these, mass shooters, they're getting younger, they're getting deadlier, and 2022 alone, almost all of them are under the age of 22. So, one of the things they're very much inundated and enmeshed in the, social media culture. In fact, I found there's a counterterrorism expert is John Cohen. Who said almost every, mass shooting, attack in the past few years, was inspired by online communities and threats were made online as well.
So, one social media is inspired by the, mass shooting, and all of us some of the examples unfortunately, we're still fresh from some of the most prolific, mass shootings, we've seen between revolving buffalo, just to name a few. And so, we'll start you know, with Buffalo all the evidence we have.
I don't use their name because again, today with social media what they're interested in is notoriety and, and so this is why we're seeing them live streaming, mass shooting, you know, they don't cover their face, they go in there with a death wish they know that maybe they're going to commit suicide or they're gonna get killed, but they want me talking about them and social media.
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It's what, narcissism, is all about attention seeking, grandiosity and title that they think they're better than other people and, and the, lack of empathy. And so, social media, has given people with this wish to flip their misery and hatred and rage on other people that audiences really want the audience. And so that's really dangerous.
But he was also found media people and one of the things I researched in my book was this concept of, white supremacist, radicalizing young men online and one of the ways they do this is they start off a little bit vague. They have the team so they show that the spicy humor, but they're actually very effective, and they're, racist.
When we're talking about really serious issues like, racism, we should just be able to say anything about any group of people cuz it's a joke, you know, so that's the way they start. You try to break these socially isolated, lonely young men who have other kinds of issues going on. And then now they have the community on the dark web.
Myrna: It's almost like the drug dealers recruiting lonely people in the olden days.
Lena: So, imagine now the network's they have, it's almost like international. So, a lot of the times these people in these networks are egging them on to do these kinds of things. And so now here they are, or they want to impact the community.
They want the sort of badge of honor. I had this quote from the shooter from Buffalo, who, you know, we have the information that I think that he was radicalized online. I believe it's 2021, He wrote, it's time to stop shit posting it's time to make a real life effort. I will carry out an attack. He said this is December 2021. So, again, I'm seeing these killers that are putting their attention on, social media.
Myrna: Why do you think the Buffalo shooter targeted the Black community? How did, racism, get into, mass shooting?
Lena: So if you think about something like, racism, and, narcissism; narcissism is an entitlement, exploitation and, lack of empathy. There's a hallmark of what it actually is. And, racism, is all about, I don't know. And the, lack of empathy, I am better than better than you, and you are lower than me, you know, and so I think he probably already had these traits and then online communities exacerbated, and bring it out and really kind of normalized it.
Myrna: So that's I understand, narcissism. Why does, narcissists, now go out and kill a bunch of people? Can you make the connection? Why is the, narcissist, a, mass murderer, all of a sudden?
Lena: I believe that the university has done a lot of research on violence and a lot of my work too. I focus on violence prevention. And his work found that the majority or I say a significant majority or significant number of, mass shooters, are what you would call, narcissists. And, looking at, again, FBI profilers and counterterrorism experts and people who profile the, mass shooters, all agree that the common theme here is the word inclusion as well.
And so there's a score to settle with the higher levels in rage and I feel that something was done to me and I'm angry. That's why another connection that we see with these shooters is they've been bullied. There's another part when we're just talking about empathy as a society. I think we need to do so much more work just on bullying in general because I also think that bullying is part of what pushes people over the edge and makes them want to settle the score. And, you know, again, there's no excuse for what they do ever.
There's a type of, narcissism, called, covert narcissism, where there's a lot of anger and rage about not being recognized for how special you are. So, I think they are really like, I'm going to show you that I am special. I'm so angry and I don't have empathy and I'm just going to go take out my anger on people and cause pain. There's a lot of times also, there's another common theme with a lot of, mass shooters, and that can also be sexual assault. Different variations of abuse or drugs in their home of origin.
Bullying is usually the trigger for these mass shootings
Myrna: So why is it let’s say that you're an aggrieved person being bullied by high school students? Why do you go to the elementary schools and kill babies?
Lena: I think, you know, again, that's going back to the, narcissistic, behavior they want to be recognized so what's going to be the biggest thing? They want other people to suffer and what's going to bring them the most attention than killing people’s children. You've all seen what happened at Sandy Hook. I think that was the worst thing you've ever seen in this country.
Myrna: Yes, I agree Sandy Hook was brutal, so was Parkland and Columbine.
Narcissistic relationships
Myrna: You started off our conversation today by saying that you were in a, narcissistic relationship, in your early 20’s and one of the things that you do now is to counsel women on how to recognize the signs and get out of these relationships. So, what are some of the signs and personality traits of a, narcissist, in a relationship?
Lena: When you're in a romantic situation, or even a friend, right? They just really lay on the flattery when we want to read you over in, narcissism, world. We call it rock climbing. And so, this is always a big red flag. I tell people like if after one week they tell you they love you and want to move in, that’s a red flag.
Myrna: I'm laughing because I always quote Halle Berry, she said her mother told her that “anything that looks too good to be true usually is.” She had a really bad relationship with David Justice.
Lena: Yeah. And so yeah, there is manipulation. And I think most of us actually kind of know. Some people get a weird feeling about that a friend who does this type of love bombing. Narcissists, are like Jekyll and Hyde. There are two personas and this is also a dynamic for, abusive relationships. It doesn't have to be physical abuse, there's emotional verbal abuse as well. I think whenever you're walking on eggshells around someone and you feel anxious all the time, it is time to leave.
You never know if they're gonna like flip on you or that, that's a big sign. The gaslighting which is like making the reality telling you Oh, you're too sensitive, that they'll say something really horrible to you. And then they'll get upset and you're the problem.
You're the problem, you're too sensitive. You need to go to a therapist. They'll make you almost go into a place where you're questioning your sanity. So, there's all kinds of things they do. Financial abuse, controlling, they isolate you. A lot of times, narcissistic, people don't want you to be around your friends and family.
Myrna: Yeah, I agree. Because you know, they know once you start talking to more people and more people are like, hey, are you sure you really wanted to stay in this relationship?
Lena: They also don't want you to leave because, narcissists, they love attention. So basically, the motivations are attention seeking, feeling special, but also things like little, empathy, because they're so centered on themselves. They don't have, empathy, for others.
The entitlement, I'm better than other people. I deserve more than other people. I deserve special treatment, special privileges and the exploitation which is why you have so many people in real positions of power from politicians to people like Harvey Weinstein. That is true. exploitation.
Myrna: Wow, so we know that it's hard to get out of, abusive relationships, because you're kind of mentally tied to this person and that manipulation. How do you coach people to know that their boyfriend or girlfriend is a, narcissist, to get out and run?
Lena: I'm also a couple’s therapist. I will get people who actually can be helped, and sometimes I'll have people call me and say, oh, my mom or my friend thinks my husband or my boyfriend is a, narcissist, and I'll get some more information and usually I'm like, I don't do couples therapy with, narcissists, because it doesn't really work. I mean, it can but it depends on the scale of, narcissism.
Myrna: So tell us about your book “The Facebook Narcissist” why you wrote it and I love your first book “ My Daddy is a Hero” you can also talk about that as well.
Lena: The Facebook narcissist is a guide to identify and protect yourself and your loved ones from, social media narcissism, and it was really inspired to help my kids. They're not teenagers they are in elementary school, but close inspired by this idea of everything we're getting bombarded with on social media and what it's doing to our culture from influencers and celebrities to Family Feud to catfishing from fidelity to cyber bullying, cyber stalking, trolling. You know, there's a chapter about false narrative.
What does it mean when people create a narrative on social media? How that links to, narcissism. So, each chapter is a different theme and how, social media, is linked to, narcissism, and then one of the last chapters is about, racism, politics, social media, and how that leads to, narcissism, as well. And so, it's just a comprehensive guide about how, narcissism, on social media is impacting all of us and how it's consuming it and what does it mean when we're consuming all this content that's being put out by, narcissists.
So, it's not just who hears it on social media, but what is it doing my mental health when I'm exposed to all of it? Whether it's vanity, whether it's bullying, trolling, like what is it doing to me and my family, and how do I want to use it mindfully? How do I want to raise my children to use it in a way? So, it's basically just a guide, giving people a lot of information and there's questions at the end of every chapter that makes people think about how they want to use social media for them and their kids.
There's a couple of parenting chapters. I think one of the interesting is chapter two, how much should we should be posting about our kids on social media and so I'm not telling them what to do but giving them a sense of the consequences. Okay, there's a lot of case studies and it's even here about real, narcissists, on social media. So, it's, it's got everything in there.
And then my first book is a true crime. And it's called “My daddy as a hero.” How Chris Watts didn’t show any traits of a, narcissist. It’s about the Watts family murders which took place in Colorado in 2018. Where this man again, opposite actually, and this is why I wanted to write about it because he had all the opposite traits of a, narcissist, except with a little bit closer look it was there all the time. He was very shy, quiet, from birth all his life. His wife was the more controlling one in the relationship.
And then he just again, he met this woman at work and his wife took the kids to be family in North Carolina for five weeks and within that time period, he decided, again, going from love bombing to devalue and discard, he decided that his family had no use. And it wouldn't be easier to kill them than to divorce the wife. I mean, it was a brutal killing
So that was a narrative storytelling about this crime, victimized either their relationships, they even have now had all their text messages and transcripts. And so, I told the narrative story, and then there's a psychological analysis of the different types of, narcissism, and analyzing him and making the case that you know, essentially a, psychopath, and a, narcissist, that was a good of hiatus from those places.
I'm on Instagram @ therapywithLena and my websites is www.LenaDerhally.com You can also connect with me on LinkedIn.
God knows the, desires of your heart, even the ones you don’t think will ever come through. This is illustrated in the bible story of the prophet Elisha and the wealthy Shunem woman.
A wealthy Shunem woman invited the prophet, Elisha, to her home one day for a meal. So, whenever he passed her way again, he would stop in to have something to eat.
One day the woman said to her husband, I am sure the man who stop in from time to time is a holy man, let’s build a small room for him on the roof and furnish it, so he will have a place to stay when he comes by.
When, Elisha, and his assistant came by the next time, he went up to his new room to rest. Appreciative of the woman’s kindness, he wanted to give her something in return. He said to her “We appreciate the kind concern you have shown us. What can we do for you?” She responded I don’t need anything, my family takes good care of me.
We all need something even the things we don't ask for
But, Elisha, figured there must be something she needs. So, he asked his servant what he thinks she needed. His servant said “She doesn’t have a son and her husband is an old man.”
Elisha, then told his servant to call the woman then he told her “Next year at this time you will be holding a son in your arms” She responded, please don’t get my hopes up.
Sure enough, the woman soon became pregnant and by that time the following year she had a son, just as, Elisha, had said.
What is the principle taught in this, bible story? As you know the, Bible, is a blueprint for life.
First principle, is if you are blessed with wealth you should share with those who have less. You should, give to the poor, your church etc.
The second principle and the one I want to focus on today is that God knows what you want. He knows the, desires of your heart, even the ones you don’t think will ever come through. The, desires, of this woman’s heart was to have a child, but her husband was old and she was probably old as well, so she didn’t think it was possible. She put it out of her mind.
The bible says in Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the, desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
When the man of God asked the Shunem woman what can I do for you she responded nothing. She had all the, money, she needed, but how many of you know that, money, does not fill the hole in your heart.
Do you want to see your child go to college but he/she have a learning disability?
Whatever it is, if you live right, give to the poor, God will give you the, desires of your heart. You don’t even have to ask him.
Several years ago, the, desires of my heart, was to become an American citizen. I did ask God, but decided to take matters into my own hands and made a mess of it. Then one day I walked onto a train and there standing at the door was my future husband. He loved me, married me and sponsored me and my kids to become American Citizens. So don’t think the, desires of your heart, are impossible – with God all things are possible.
So, ask, seek, knock and you will receive.
https://youtu.be/xBOA_tWqvAI
Conclusion
Whatever it is you are wanting, whatever you are asking Him for, God hears you. If he does not seem to be answering, do not give up. Everything will happen in his timing. God knows what is best for you and He hears the, desires of your heart. He will give you the, desires of your heart, when the time is right. Have patience and trust in the Lord.
The Shunammite woman’s heartfelt hospitality to, Elisha, and simple, sincere faith led to an amazing series of events. Elisha, was certainly blessed. And God abundantly blessed the woman’s life during a difficult period in Israel. Still today, God often uses His people’s humble acts of service to bless both the giver and the receiver.
Thanks for tuning in to this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. Until next time Namaste
Andre Paradis, relationship coach, shares insights on, what men want, and how to revert back to nature and polarity to make our relationships work. If you want to know how to have healthy fulfilling long-term relationships, listen to the end. What men want, is a woman who is sweet and lovely and warm and, feminine, and attractive and magnetic.
Andre Paradis, is a Relationship Coach, NLP Coach, Educator of Effective Communications, Published Writer, Public Speaker, and Ordained Minister. Andre Grew up in Canada, and while on vacation in Los Angeles he was scouted and became a professional dancer. He has danced with legends including Michael Jackson, Prince, Paula Abdul, Julio Eglesias to name a few.
He then attended a workshop called “Understanding Women” in 2006 and started studying with some of the biggest relationship masters (Dr. Pat Allen, Dr. Esther Perel, Dr. John Gray, Shantie Feldhan and Alison Armstrong). He started sharing his knowledge with friends and family. He saw that this knowledge actually helped people lead happier lives with the people they love. He found his purpose in life… The Big Calling deep inside him. He then sold his successful Auto Shop and launched Project Equinox Coaching to help men and women learn to build stronger long lasting and healthy Love relationships. For some clients, He even officiate their weddings.
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Men are from Mars Women are from Venus
Myrna: I have a question about a book that I've read and I still have in my library. You said that you studied under Dr. John Gray who wrote the book. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. What did you learn from studying with Dr. Gray about women?
Andre: Well, the bulk of his work has changed since the beginning from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Dr Grey now explores men or women differences, like how we respond or act differently. What motivates a woman and what motivates a man and vice versa. The past 10 years though, the bulk of his work became the chemistry of our bodies that creates the behaviors that we do. So how does, estrogen, and, testosterone, affect our physiology.
A man's brain is full of, testosterone, the structure of his brain is similar to a woman, but the main mechanism is different, because it functions on a different fuel. This creates all kinds of behaviors, reactions, ways of operating and the, Hunter brain. The, Hunter brain, is about, conquering, competing, fighting, pushing, penetrating, you know, control everything that's in, Hunter brain. That's the paradigm of, testosterone, chemistry.
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Women's brains are soaked in Estrogen
So that's what’s Dr Grey’s work in past 10 years was all about that. The innate differences explained through chemistry. And for the lady is same thing similar brain soaked in, estrogen, creating a whole different machine, a whole different engine, with behaviors, reactions, temperament, blah, blah, blah. In our culture right now, everybody's about equality, so understanding the beginning of equality, the, feminist movement, equal rights equal pay equal opportunity, is important.
With equality a man should be more, feminine, more feminized, more vulnerable, more talkative, more sweet, more sensitive, to be a good man. A woman should be strong, independent, powerful at all costs, in order for her to be valued and valuable in the world. Well, there's a big huge price to pay for these shifts that are not natural. Everything I teach is Nature and Science and not my opinion. So, if you go back to nature, these things don't work very well.
If you consider now that relationships are the hardest thing for people to attain and sustain, where it should be the easiest because we have equality now, right? Well, no, the reason for this is what I teach. What's happening out there is women are more miserable. The women in our culture for the past 15 years, almost 20 years now actually, are more unhappy than ever in the entire history of mankind.
Myrna: That’s because they can't find a man.
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Andre: And why is that right back to the same thing I'm talking about earlier. I'm so busy because my clients call me because they're realizing they're being sold a lemon that's exactly how they put it. They tell me I am a badass but that gets me absolutely nowhere with a man. Men don't ask me out and if I manage to get a date, he smiles and goes nice to meet you and I never see him again. I can't get past the first date. What is wrong with me? Like what is what's wrong with me? The answer is you're, masculinized, you're too manly for a man.
Myrna: I have so much circle backs in that don't get too far. When you were talking about the men and the woman, how the man is the hunter personality with the, testosterone, and the woman is supposed to be, feminine, but now women are bad asses and are not, feminine. So, the question I have, is that why there's a rise in, lesbian and gay relationships? Is that is the reason that those kind of relationships are blossoming, because at least you've got the same, estrogen, and, testosterone, levels.
Andre: Yeah, well, not the way you think. And I think if I'm reading your mind a little bit here right now, it's not quite that because men have always understood men better than their women. And the same with women, they understand each other better than men. But throughout history, that's actually the, polarity, that brought men and women together. So, that is not the problem. What is happening, is culture if we are going to peel the onion back.
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Latch Key Kids can't form relationships as adults
We have, latch key kids, who were not nurtured as kids so they can’t form relationships as adults. When you have children, babies, infants, toddlers, young people, young kids unable to bond with their own parents, they become anxious as far as in the relationship, anxious or avoidant in relationships. They've never been bonded to somebody who loves them, so they feel abandoned. The anxiety of puberty makes it even worse, and they will become young people who cannot create healthy bonds.
They just can't do it. Now what happens we talk about, gay and lesbian relationships, in the news, that new wave. A young girl needs so much nurturing connection emotionally, the, feminine, for mother, the young women who went without being with her mother will do it later in life with another woman. For men it’s a little bit different for men they turn into the part of them that's missing.
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Myrna: Is it true that's, badass women immediately get disqualified because she's gonna throw the fact that she makes more money than him in a man’s face?
Andre: You know, I'm sorry, but it's more energetic than that. If you're gonna be a, badass woman, and be a pain in the ass about it, like you push it in my face. That you are better than me. That is not the energy that men are looking for from women. That's a man on man. I always say ladies when you can be, badass, but if you're gonna throw your balls in my face, we're gonna have a problem. And that's what, badass women, do put their balls in everybody's face. They're so proud which is fine.
You can be proud of what you do, but when you lead with that, you're more, masculine, than, feminine. You're actually arrogant a lot of times, and for sure you're irritating. Absolutely freaking irritating. If you think men like to be irritated by women, this is not why they want to date you. They want to date you because you're sweet and lovely and warm and, feminine, and attractive and magnetic. Not irritating, not pushy, not controlling, not in my face. Not sitting there like go ahead, prove it your way.
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So my clients, when they find out that men aren't finding them attractive and don't ask them out, they feel completely invisible. This is because your, balls, are bigger than his and that's irritating and off putting. You can have, balls, all you want, you need to be, masculine, to create anything to make money, but I say leave them, balls, in your desk drawer. When you get home and in public, you'd have to be a woman to attract men, otherwise they don't see you, you become invisible to men.
Myrna: So, the answer to that question is not all women that are making money and are, badass, just the ones that are throwing their, balls, in a man's face and leading with, masculinity.
What do men want? You said that one, a man wants a woman that's, feminine. Let's also touch on equality. Does a man want a woman that's making as much money as him? By the way, when I asked my husband that question, he says, I can become a kept man but not If you're gonna throw it in my face.
Andre: In my world, you could have a penis and not be a man. I believe there are three types of men:
The real man: They know who they are. They know, what men want. They hold themselves accountable for everything; they have character. They have competence, you can't mess with them. You can't fuck with them. You can't derail them. They're solid, they're strong. You can count on them all that stuff.
The second type of man is that guy who’s man enough to have a job, but it's a little job, he's not gonna have a good car, he drives a little shitty car and lives in the basement of his mother's house or he's got three roommates. No girlfriend and is silly. So, these guys are messy enough to do life. Small but okay. Except when it comes to women, they don't want to ask you out. They acquiesce and want to do whatever movie you want to go see. They are not sure, what men want.
The third kind of man are boys, they are passive and, feminine. They don't want to work. They want you to work. They're so happy that they are not paying for anything. They don't want to work, they're allergic to work. They're offended when you say, just man up. They look like boys. They're often very pretty because they are, feminine and want to attract women with their bodies. Their looks are lean and sexy. They absolutely don't know, what men want.
We now raise men to be not, masculine, but soft, sensitive, passive, and that’s toxic. A real man scoops women up and say hey, I'm taking you out to dinner, seven o'clock and wear some good shoes, because we are going salsa dancing afterwards. But we shame them out of this. We say that's pushy.
What men want, is a, feminine woman. A, feminine woman, want a, masculine man. They don't want boys. Men that are boys are so smooth, they’ll tell you everything you want to hear in three days after meeting them! Oh, I think I found the one of my life, you are the one. So, he says all the right things for the first five or six weeks you finally think oh my God he is my soul mate.
He listens to me. He's curious about me I have someone to talk to. Next, you know, he's like moving to your house, borrowing your car because he can't afford to fix his piece of shit. You're walking his dog because he won't do it. You're lending him money that he promised to pay back, but he never does. You're working two jobs while he's sitting on the couch smoking a joint and spooning the dog.
Myrna: You're talking such truth! How do you get out of that relationship? Kick them to the curb?
Andre: The terrible thing about this whole situation is when you, masculinize, women, this is the type of men they attract. They attract boys. I teach nature, it's all about, polarity. Opposites attract. We know this about everything. Right? Two magnets, positive and negative, try to push two positive magnets together, right? It doesn’t work. The, masculine man, is strong, independent, powerful, conquering, controlling, pushy, fighting, all that stuff and he attracts the, feminine woman, who is more passive. Because she's smaller and weaker, more passive and she needs a big strong guy.
It's the same all over nature. Like everything. There's a, polarity, there's two different pieces of a puzzle. that come together to complete a good dynamic. When a woman is more, masculine, and she's stuck there because of her up bringing or her culture. Her mother telling her you don't need that man. You can’t depend on men, so make sure you're independent and strong and get your own. So, when you raise, masculine women, that's what you attract, boys.
The Badass woman: can she become feminine and get a man
All my clients that are strong, independent, powerful and they're, badass women, and they're so proud of it, are in relationships with boys, one after the other. So, if you want a, masculine man, to provide, and protect, you have to be the opposite, feminine, to the core. I help my clients, we do actually get them from being too, masculine, after having neglected their, femininity, typically started in childhood. It's always something that started in childhood. And we're just going to calibrated them here.
Myrna: What do you tell them to do? How do you help them become more, feminine?
Andre: So how does a woman to be more, feminine?
Andre: That is simple and it's individual for all and there's plenty layers in this and the more you do it the more you get practice. The, masculine, is to be in your head and, feminine, is to be in your heart and your body. Masculine women, are stuck in their head and everything warm, radiant, lovely about them is out the window. Masculine men, live in their head we're not in our hearts naturally. Right? We have to be logical and conquerors and fighters, we can't think about how we feel.
Doesn't matter how you feel. It needs to be done. How many times have you heard me say that? We care how you feel. It has to be done. Right?
Feminine, it’s about how you feel. Anything that makes you feel good, right? If you feel sexy, you're sexy.
What men want: to prove that he is the best suitor
Myrna: Does, sex, too early in a relationship prevents building a healthy long term love relationship? Women my age were always told by their grandparents don't give it away.
Why would a guy pay for the cow when he already got milk?
Andre: That's another long answer, but I'm gonna try to keep it short. But again, its nature. In a nutshell, a woman's body and, sexuality, is her currency. Back in the days, men went towards building character, building their businesses, building their finances, so that they were adequate to call on women. They would compete against each other to be the top suitor for the best women. The guy who's got more resources has more choices. But older men became more attractive on some level, because they have more power, they have more resources, they have more assets.
Men had to build themselves up to be competitive enough to be the chosen one by a good woman. A, feminine woman, would let herself be wooed by him, but they would not cross the line into, sexuality, until he was committed. Because, sex, that's her currency. Right? You want a good woman? You gotta be good, man. When you throw that out the window, now a man doesn’t have to work for it. This is part of what's happening in our culture. Again, not my opinion, just facts. When women give away their bodies for dinner this is what happens.
You meet a guy, you date him once, twice, three times. He like, let's roll. The women think that starts intimacy. The reality is for men, that killed it. Why does early, sex, kill a long term relationship? Because in nature, he has to prove himself that he is good guy, that he's got character, he's got to impress her.
And now he gets picked with almost no effort. He buys dinner three times and women put out. He's thinking I can't trust this woman. Now again, this is not a thought process is the limbic brain, the lizard brain saying, I can't trust this chick because she'll sleep with anybody. I didn't have to do anything to get her to sleep with me.
Women sleep with men because they feel it will make them his girlfriend but no amount of, sex, ever convince a man to commit to a woman. That's not it. It's the opposite.
Myrna: Let me let me interrupt that one because I've heard that men don't trust a woman if she sleeps with him on the first date. I think that they're almost expecting to sleep with you after three dates or three weeks.
Andre: You could change the rules, but it's still not working. That's never going to work. It's never worked. And it's the worst when nobody's getting married.
Everyone is different. We developed a system to measure and define the brains Ambiguity Relief Process, these, life hacks, is called the Colored Brain.
My guest today is Arthur Carmazzi, best selling author of “The 6 Dimensions of Top Achievers” Arthur talks about, life hacks, from his work with the, Colored brain. The Colored Brain analysis is use as a method to motivate teams and leaders.
Colored Brain Life Hacks
I started doing research on the different personalities decades ago, I found out that personality it's too complicated and can't be accurate with so many complicated variables. So I started looking into elements of why people are mis-communicating, why people are frustrated, why people lose
trust, and so I found some genetic foundations or, life hacks, I found out why are people motivated and why they become unmotivated. I found out some of the factors or the mind-body connection.
After about a little over a year of research, I started to apply some of these ideas and, life hacks, that later became known as the Directive Communication Psychology body of work. This Psychology ended up saving the company I was working for at the time, about seventeen thousand dollars a week in wasteful work.
After that I started writing articles and then I got on the radio and TV. So I quit my job and started on the road to becoming a top Global Thought Leader in organizational culture specializing in, life hacks,
I started to open franchises in 2005, we now have like over 400 licensed Directed Communications Psychology trainers and coaches in 18 different countries.
The Master Key
We created systems! We can call it the combination to the lock.
The Master key for the lock is a something called Modeling.
Modeling is basically all the modalities. Everyone operates from a different system. Let's take for example somebody like Richard Branson. Richard has a very chaotic process of achieving things. The way that he interprets information is different from most. The way that he acts on information is very different from for example the late Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs isn't a serial entrepreneur. Richard has what we call Chaotic Processor. If I tried to model Steve Jobs to create a Richard Branson, I would fail because Steve Jobs does not have the same brain process, he doesn't interpret information the same as Richard Branson. Therefore I would not succeed by trying to model him. This is where, life hacks, come into play.
We're all different, we all process information differently. We all have a different digestive system, different fingerprints. There's no two people alike.
We developed a system to measure and define the brains ambiguity relief process, we call this this system, The Colored Brain,.
The colored Brain, basically segments the different processes into individual clarity getting processes.
This has nothing to do with personality; this is how your brain gets clarity. We use, life hacks, to get this clarity. There are different processes that your brain gets clarity from and it's based on specific lengths of specific genes and specific parts of your brain that release neurotransmitters or regulate neurotransmitters.
If we go to organizational culture, one of the primary breakdowns in organizational culture, is the lack of trust and respect for management. This is because everyone is processing information differently and don’t trust anyone who does not think like them.
4 Parts of the The Colored Brain
• Chaotic processing or Green brain – In the, Green brain, literally nothing is connected and because nothing is connected what happens is it will go anywhere. The, Green Brain, can create something from nothing. It gets a little bit of information and immediately goes running. In order to get clarity the, Green brain, will start to take action. Other people are freaking out and the, Green Brain, people are already doing it. People will say they’re just so impulsive, jumping into stuff without really knowing or checking it out first. In fact, Green brains, make the most of the mistakes of any other brain color; but they also recover faster from mistakes of any other brain color. They get clarity through action.
• Relational testing or Purple brain – For the Purple brain, everything is related and everything is connected. Purple brain, need to get information now. It's important to know all about the details and the information. Everything is connected, so the moment that they get information, they put it in kind of a database. That automatically starts to connect to everything else, and so what happens is that the more information and the more details they get, the more options they have.
Once they feel that they have clear options, they can then go ahead and choose an option and move on from there. That is how they create their, life hack, for processes. If they're wrong they still have other options and maybe they might get a little more information. These Purple brain, people oftentimes take a long time to get all of this information and all of these details. People sometimes misunderstand them and think they're slow or they're not efficient. These Purple brain, people are actually quite good at creating systems because everything is connected. They create, life hacks, that works for their clarity.
• Linear processing or Red brain – Red brains, need structure. They look for structure in order to work. If there isn't any structure in place, what ends up happening is they start to create it and sometimes it's a little bit frustrating to others on the team. They want to know, what is the first step? What is the second step and so on. People may think this person is an idiot and he doesn't know what he's doing and so there's judgments, lack of trust and lack of respect. Because, Red brains, get clarity through structure it's an active process. So they create this kind of logical process or, life hack, that affects their ability to connect with people.
• Intuitive processing or Blue brain – Intuition is not some woo woo thing that the Universe gives you. Intuition is actually a part of your unconscious experience. You've got all of these things that have happened to you and have happened around you that you haven't been noticing; but your subconscious notices and records everything. Blue brains pick up on stuff very easily because of this, life hack, They pick up on what's going on around them, they're quite empathetic to the feelings of others. They often times they end up taking on other people's problems as their own. Multitasking is much easier for Blue brain, than it is for the other colors.
The colored brain, is a genetic foundation and that doesn't change. We started talking about keys and the master key. If you understand your colored brain, you understand your primary motivators. These, life hacks, will motivate your teams because you will understand and cater to how everyone processes information. Every motivator basically is connected to a behavior. You can customize it accordingly with mini Gamified processes that will constantly motivate your teams.
In order to receive you must first, give. This principle is taught in the Bible story of Elijah the prophet and the widow woman. When you, give, you will always have enough and when you, give, God will also bring your dead things back to life.
The Lord told, Elijah, the prophet to tell King Ahab, who did what was evil in the Lord’s sight more than any of the kings before him. “There will be no dew or rain during the next few years until I give the word.”
Then the Lord said to, Elijah, “Go hide by a brook and eat what the ravens bring you, for I have commanded them to bring you food”
So, Elijah, did as the Lord told him, but after some time the brook dried up because there was no rainfall. The Lord then told, Elijah “Go and live in the village of Zarephath, I have instructed a, widow, there to feed you.
Again, Elijah, did as he was told and when he arrived at the city he saw a, widow, woman gathering sticks and he asked her. Would you please bring me a little water in a cup. Then he added and a bite of bread too.
I only have a little flour just enough to make my last meal
The, widow, responded “I swear by the Lord I don’t have a single piece of bread in the house. I only have a handful of flour left in a jar and a little cooking oil in the bottom of the jug. I am about to cook my last meal and die.”
Elijah, responded go ahead and make the meal, but make a little bread for me first, for this is what the Lord said. There will always be flour and olive oil left in your containers until the time comes when the Lord sends rain and the crops grow again.
Sometime later the, widow, woman son dies and, Elijah, brought the boy back to life.
The secondary message I received from this story is God is great at multiplication, but you must have something for him to work with. The, widow, woman had a handful of flour and a little bit of oil left at the bottom of a jar and God used that to multiply so that she always had flour and oil. That means she always had something to eat.
Jesus used the 5 loafs and 2 fish to feed thousands. Again, God is great at multiplication.
The Feeding of the 5,000 is also known as the “miracle of the five loaves and two fish”; the Gospel of John reports that Jesus used five loaves and two fish supplied by a boy to feed a multitude.
What this tells me is that you must always have, seed. I recorded a message a couple of years back titled “Don’t eat your seed” if you eat your, seed, spend your, seed, God has nothing to work with.
There has been a lot of talk recently about the, tithe,
Creflow Dollar said that the, tithe, was Old Testament and under the old law and Jesus is new law and the, tithe, is wrong. Every pastor in the entire Kingdom responded to this statement. The Bible said that the, tithe, belongs to the lord and we must, tithe, first.
Elijah, told the, widow woman, to make something to eat with the little flour and oil she had and, give, him something to eat first. How many of you would do that for a stranger? Maybe you would do that if your child is starving. A lot of mothers stay hungry so that their child would eat. But in order for the, widow woman, to get the blessing she had to, give, first.
You have to, give to receive. It works for anything you want. If you want financial abundance or even just to have enough you have to, give, to your church, to hospitals, to the poor, to any company offering human services like Goodwill and the Salvation Army.
If you want love you have to, give love, if you want respect you have to, give respect, and so on and so on.
The, tithe, is just God’s way of giving structure to your, giving. If you don’t want to, give, 10% nobody can make you. You have free will, but don’t expect God to bless you when you are like the, widow woman, just waiting to die. If you live stingy all your life never, giving, never blessing others, expect that you will dry up like a prune and always live in struggle and have empty jars. Empty jars don’t just mean money. Life is more than money. You need love, you need health, you need connection. So, start, giving, from your heart and watch the windows of heaven open and abundance flow in.
In closing always remember the principle You have to, give to receive. Someone told me a long time ago, if your hands are closed not only you can’t give, but you also can’t receive.
Conclusion
Thanks for tuning in to this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. I want to invite you to join my Facebook group called Lifecoach to receive inspiration throughout the week. I will meet you back her next week for another episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna
When Karen Johnson's 27 year old son died of a, heroin overdose, she started believing in, life after death, when her son showed up in his human form waving at her at the airport. In her book “Living Grieving” Karen shares how communicating with her son in the, afterlife, helped her live with her, grief, and start her work as a, shaman, helping survivors and spirits deal with, life after death.
Karen V Johnson’s fast paced professional career as a Federal Judge came to an abrupt halt when she lost her 27-year-old son, Ben to a, heroin overdose. Rather than grieve in a way that made people around her comfortable, she did the unexpected. She quit her lifetime appointment career, sold her house with all her belongings, and went on a 2 ½ year journey around the world finding a spiritual and healing practice along the way.
Karen didn’t think she could ever find her way out of despair, but she found a process that works and shares her journey of transformation with others so they can heal too. Her work is structured around, shamanic, practices, mindfulness, and the journey of the Four winds Medicine Wheel. Karen blends her personal story with meaningful experiences, offering exercises related to each of the four practices of becoming unstuck, becoming lighter, awakening, and creating a new life.
Ben's Life After Death
Myrna: Can you share with the listeners your, grief, journey and the death of your son from a, heroin overdose. It's a powerful story.
Karen: Ben, my son was 27 years old and he was struggling as many young men are trying to find himself trying to decide if he's going to try to start a business go back to school, many things. And so, I was going on a vacation to South Korea for a week and I thought to myself, when I get back, we're going to have the big conversation. I don't care how uncomfortable it is. And so I went to South Korea, and one day in the afternoon, I just wasn't feeling well. and into the evening and then all of a sudden, I get this call, and they hang up.
I just had this feeling of dread. And so, I called the number and the detective answers and I say, you just called me I am Karen Johnson. He said, yes. where are you? And I said, I'm in South Korea. And he said, I have some bad news for you. I'm sorry, your son is dead from a, heroin overdose. Ben had gone to a party with them some other young guys, and they got drunk and they decided, hey, we're going to try, heroin, in all their 27-year-old wisdom. My son was 6′ 8, 260 pounds and they gave him too much.
And he died almost instantly. He and I were very close and it just rocked my world. They say that the death of a child and an unexpected death are two worst ones to survive. So, when you have an unexpected death of a child, you're in a bad place. But that's the bad part of it. The other side of it is you know, it's always the blessing and the curse. The Yin and the Yang. So, the other side of it was so the next morning, I couldn't even get out of South Korea.
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Life after death: Seeing Ben in his human form
Believing in, life after death, started for me at the airport trying to return to the States. It was nighttime when I got the call, so sitting in the airport in South Korea, the next morning I see my son Ben in front of me, just like he is in life. And he's smiling, his big old grin and then he fades away. So, I desperately frantically call my ex-husband, his father and say, you gotta check. I think he's alive. I think he's in that refrigerator and he's trying to get out. I think he's alive. You gotta go check. And so, they go check and call me back and very kindly say, no, I'm sorry he's gone. And so that for me was a doorway.
Death. is always a doorway, it was the doorway into believing in, life after death. And it's something that I did not believe in before. I didn't have much of a spiritual practice. I would have said something like alive is alive, dead is dead. And so, my son Benjamin, woke me up to life on the other side, or, life after death, and he continues to do so to this day.
Myrna: That is one of the reasons I wanted to speak to you. I am wearing a sweater right now, but I'm getting chills. You said that was the first time that Ben appeared to you in his human form. The other times you said he was flapping around so I assume he appeared as a bird. I follow Sadhguru and he talks a lot about, life after death. And he said, whenever you die suddenly, from like, suicide, or a bullet or maybe like a, heroin overdose, or something, then your, spirit, can't seem to find peace. So, do you think that is why Ben stuck around after his, death?
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Karen: Yeah, after Ben passed, I was in a state. My, grief, was so profound, I was so distraught that my bedroom was upstairs, I couldn't get up the steps. So, I would be on the steps and I would be crying and screaming for Ben until I threw up. I was throwing up blood. I was truly a mess and I could feel him around me. I knew that he was around me just frantic. I couldn't hear what he was saying although I could sense him. I couldn't hear him so I did what my logical mind would never have done before I googled, mediums. To be exact, mediums, in Fairfax County, Virginia and this whole page popped up.
And so, one person's picture looked a little bit larger than the others. And I thought, well, I'll take that one. It turns out this is a way, spirit, has been guiding me now to buy a house and to do many things. Something looks different. And that's how, spirit, communicates because we don't always hear the words. We can't always translate what, spirits, are saying. And so, I went to a, medium, about three weeks after he passed and I said, look he came in right behind me. He's standing over there in the corner.
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Seeking out a Medium to communicate with spirit
Can you tell me what he's saying? I can't hear him. And so, we had a wonderful session. And she told me things that really resonated because it sounded like him. Something like Mom, it was a boneheaded move, and things like that. That just sounded like him. And so, after it was all finished, he said, you know, you might have some abilities yourself because most of my clients have no idea that their loved one is right there in the room with them and there is, life after death. So that was sort of the intro for me to begin studying, life after death, and, spirituality.
Myrna: Yeah, I think you said that you were Clair-sentience. I like what the, medium, said, spirits, are around us all the time, but a lot of us can't feel them. I heard that one of the reasons that we can't communicate with, spirits, is because when you die, your energy is at a higher frequency, and, spirits, has to lower their frequency in order for us to sense them or communicate with them and most of them don’t know how to do that. Is that true?
Karen: That's my experience. It's sort of like when you go to a Buddhist temple or you go into the Catholic Church or any church, they're singing, there's smoke, there's prayer. It's all a way of changing the vibration and the energy.
I think Ben’s energy couldn't dissipate until he was able to reassure me, because my being frantic, that he was okay. I think you stay stuck and in trauma, it prevents, spirits, from fully moving on and doing what they need to do on the other side. Yeah, because they are watching us, they're seeing how you are dealing with, grief, and people say well if they go to heaven or nirvana or wherever you think that place is, how can they come back. But it's not prison. So, they're allowed to come back and forth easily and sometimes they're a little stuck in between worlds, and they need help.
Myrna: Does Ben still come back and forth?
Karen: Oh, yeah. So, you know, I became a, shaman. I do, shamanic healing, part of, shamanic healing, is helping people to die and helping, spirits, to crossover in the other world. I help, spirits, transition to, life after death. And so, I helped Ben to cross over and he comes back and forth. I'll call him if I have a young person who's committed, suicide, or sudden death or something. Sometimes, suicides, get a little stuck because there's so much bad talk about, suicide, that they're going to hell and all this kind of stuff. And so, they're afraid to cross over and the, after life.
They don't know what to be, so I can call Ben and he'll say, hey, man, come with me. I'll show you the ropes. I'll show you it's beautiful on the other side, you have nothing to fear and then they're able to cross over to the, after life, peacefully. So, we would kind of work together.
Myrna: People have lost a lot of people over the, pandemic, and I've had some interviews on the show with wife’s losing spouses. I've actually never had one with a mother losing a son. But the, grief, is profound. So, what kind of solace can we have? Should we be scared when we feel our loved one’s presence? What kind of advice you can give on that?
Karen: Yeah, so I think sometimes people say, I'd love to see my loved one but it I find it scary at the same time. I really don't want them appearing. So, if you have that kind of dynamic going on, I think they don't want to appear. A lot of times we're scared of our loved ones after they die. I don't think before I saw Ben, that I would have said I wanted him to show up, but he just kind of showed up. So, I think a lot of that goes on and it just depends how they show themselves to you.
Myrna: You went to the, medium, three weeks after Ben died. Did you find that your, grief, started to settle down after you could communicate with him? I know you're still grieving seven years after his death, but did the intensity subside?
Karen: The intensity of my, grief, somewhat subsided.
Myrna: You said that, shamanism, allowed you to move through your, grief, on your healing journey. So, tell us what, shamanism, is.
Karen: About nine months after Ben passed, I had been in the spiritual world and learning things and growing and I had gone to an evolutionary astrologer who said, hey, I had another woman who had a reading like yours that became a, shaman. I went to Mr. Google and searched for, shaman, and Mr. Google said, try the Four Winds. I contacted their office and three weeks later I'm on a plane to Joshua Tree California.
I got there and I just loved it. That was the beginning of the, south direction, of the, medicine wheel. The, south direction, of the, medicine wheel, is where you learn to shed your past, the way that a serpent sheds its skin. So, we're looking at all our old wounds and things that are bothering us in trouble. These are ways of thinking and being all those things and we're learning how to work with that how to let it go. A process called elimination. So that's the first feeling medicine that we learned in the south direction.
Myrna: Okay, so they teach you how to shed your skin and how does, shamanism, do that? Do you do it by meditation? Do you do it by coaching?
Shamanism works with luminous energy to help with grief
Karen: The, shaman, work is working with the, luminous energy field, and we have a, luminous energy field, because when someone's alive it’s vibrant, and when someone's gone, it's just not there. We have this field of energy around us. And so, what we do as, shamans, is learn to work with this, luminous energy field. And by the way, shamanism, is not a religious practice. We have, shamans, that are priests and rabbis, all sorts of people trained in using, energy medicine, to help people and so we do it by process called elimination.
Then we have what we call, medicine stones, and we use our, medicine stones, to help people heal the heart, we blow into our own wounds. And we work with them in different ways to energize these, medicine stones, and then other people can blow their wounds into the stones and then we use a process where we allow them to breathe in, breathe out. You know, the breath is a metaphor for, shamanic, work. So, we're breathing in newness and freshness and breathing out staleness and old ways.
So, we're allowing them to breathe and release with a, medicine stone, on one of their, chakras. And then at the end of this process, we open to coaching. If you look at the pictures of the Christ and saints and the Buddha, all have this halo around them. So, we reach up into our Halo and open it up. And then we bring this divine light down into the person’s, chakra.
So, they've released heaviness, and we're replacing it with divine light. And it's profoundly healing so that's how, shamans, work with energy.
Myrna: Can you take us through the other three, shamanic, directions?
Karen: So, the, south direction, and then we moved to the, west direction. The West has to do with death and dying and, fear of death. Most of us are really afraid of, death, and dying, ours and people that we love. And so, we work with that and sometimes people have energies and entities that we learn to extract and take out in the west.
And then in the, north direction, we move to, hummingbird medicine. The West medicine is, Jaguar medicine, Jaguar who fearlessly calls whatever is dead and dying in the jungle and so we want to be like the Jaguar impeccable and calling whatever's dead and dying within us. Then we move to, hummingbird medicine, and hummingbird teach us stillness in motion. It's little wings are flapping and it's still.
Karen: Looking for food and looking for The Sweetest Nectar. Hummingbirds feast on nectar. They don't go to the dung heap. They don't go there. They go to the nectar of life. Right? So that's that metaphor for drinking only from the sweetest nectar of life. So, hummingbird medicine, and then we end up with, Eagle medicine Eagle.
Eagles fly high. So you know Eagles have been the standard for the United States somebody that that flies high. It's the only bird that flies over all the storms of life always looking for clearing and it has to do with destiny. So these direction in, Eagle medicine, has to do with finding your highest destiny, flying high being able to fly high over obstacles.
Myrna: That's beautiful. I love it. What are some, mindfulness, tips that can help us with, grief and loss?
Karen: When I talked about my book is the journey of the bereaved and the journey of, grief, is through transition, resurrection and rebirth and that's the same process our loved ones go through. So their transition is from their physical form to the spiritual one. They resurrect on the other side. After a while they're either reborn or maybe recycled into a new life or reborn into their after life.
And so the, grief, this is our special journey because we go through transformation from having this person to not having this person. And then after a while, if if we can move some of this energy we can have this opportunity to resurrect to look around and say, Okay, so now what next? And then finally to get to the rebirth part where we actually use the energy of, grief, to create a new life out of the ashes of the old one which seems like a really unbelievable thing.
But when you think about other big events in life, like parenthood, and marriage, we know they have transformative energy. We know that life is never the same, life is gonna end with, grief. In our culture we want to avoid, death, because we associate it with sadness and despair. And so people that are grieving are often told, it's time to move on. It's time to get over it. Let's not talk about that.
So oftentimes, people become even more stuck in their, grief, because they become isolated and alone and they know that will make people uncomfortable. What I'd like people to know is that, grief, is a journey. It's not a one time thing and it has no time frame and your journey is going to be different than anybody else's.
Never say to a grieving person, it's time to move on. It's time to just just let them be. Let them be, and allow them to go on this journey. So that they can use these practices.
Alchemizing the energy of grief
The, south direction, helps people shed their, grief. Each each direction has four practices associated what mindfulness things that people have heard in other contexts. So we talk about non judgement. So one of the practice non judgement who are you judging and who's judging you? And when I ask people to approach these practices in a very ceremonial way, because we want to get out of our every day, reptilian brains.
Indigenous, alchemy, means native or inherent desire for, transformation. And I think we as humans are really hardwired for, transformation, and change. And when we keep ourselves stuck in, grief, that energy stays stuck in our body and it can make us sick. Years later, we can come up with big illnesses because we have so much unresolved, grief.
So what I like to suggest for people is to really work with these practices, each one they're 16. And so if you really deeply do the work and take it to spirit there can be profound change that will enable you then to go to a party, have fun, maybe go on a date or whatever you choose, but we have to do a little spiritual work first.
Myrna: Tell us about your book “Living Grieving using energy medicine, alchemize grief and loss.” Why did you write it? I know you wanted to share the story of your son.
Karen: So I wrote the book after I went on my spiritual journey and beginning shamanism. I ended up selling my home and all my possessions and I went on two and a half year trip around the world, trying to understand, grief and loss. It just seems so incomprehensible to me. It's like this big elephant and how do you deal with this?
And and so I really thought at the beginning, I would just be writing a blog. You can find the book “Living Grieving” on Amazon. I do, shamanic, work I help people with, death, and dying people that are in the process of dying or people that have passed on. I also help widows and other people who are the survivors, I call us the survivors. And the book is really written for the survivors.
In 1 Peter 5:8, Peter gave a firm warning about the, devil: “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the, devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Peter says that, Satan, wants to devour and destroy you, just like a roaring and hungry lion.
If the, devil, can discourage you, then he can destroy you. So, you have to guard your heart. Don’t let, disappointment, enter in. Disappointment, is also called, hopelessness, and what does the bible say about people without hope. They perish.
The other thing is, disappointment, usually leads to, depression, and then, anger, follows.
We can feel the, negative emotions, or we can try to block them by doing something.
We can avoid painful, emotions, by reading a book, shopping, cooking, eating, watching a movie, drinking, smoking, drugs etc.
But it is best to feel these, emotions, try to feel it in your body. Feel which part of your body is feeling the pain. Is it in your stomach, is it in your chest?
Stop and feel, negative emotions, for at least one minute before you try to self-medicate.
Then ask the question what am I feeling?
Is it jealousy?
Is it rejection?
Most times, negative feelings, manifest as, depression. Depression, is a surface emotion that is linked to childhood, adolescent and sibling experience. A person depressed is like a boat on a sea that is being tossed about by every wave or wind that comes along.
Anger, normally accompanies, depression. Anger, is more than an emotion. It is the registration of more than one thousand energy fields. It happens when the world does not perform as we expect it to.
Whenever you feel, anger, jealousy, or, depression, try to feel the emotion for a few seconds before you react to it. The more often you apply consciousness to your, negative emotions, the less they will show up.
I want to point out that lack of self-worth is most often the root of all emotional pain. It does not matter how much you have achieved or accomplished; it has no correlation to the outside world. It is the experience of insecurity.
Your emotions are like street lights, they turn on in the dark. That is your dark thoughts.
This is the plot of the, devil; he wants you to believe all is hopeless that is why he, seeks and destroys. People who are depressed feel all is hopeless that is why depressed people commit suicide.
Discouragement, takes out the heart. So beat off, discouragement, and, depression, with everything you got. Try to replace those, negative feelings, with feelings of love and peace. For example, Think of the birth of your children, your happy moments, a beautiful scene you experienced etc. One of my favorite sayings is “good memories can save your life” from the movie the Punisher. I will share some of my happy places with you.
My husband and I were on a cruise and one night we sat and stared at the full moon for some time. We were in the middle of a dark ocean and the full moon was reflecting on the water. It was a beautiful and serene experience and I recall it often, because it made me feel connected to God.
My other scene I recall often was on my honeymoon. We went to a beach in the Bahamas. We were the only one on the beach, the water was rough and the winds were strong and I had the most amazing feelings of peace and tranquility. I could go on about my memories of the birth of my children but you get the picture.
So, you see we all have memories to replace those, negative emotions. If you can’t remember your memories, take out your old albums. We are hard wired to only focus and remember the bad things someone said to us, the bad things someone did to us or what someone didn’t do that we expected them to do. That is why you are depressed and discouraged and let the, devil, in, so you must turn it around.
If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.
Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. I hope you were inspired to replace depressive thoughts and, negative emotions, with good memories.
Building wealth with, turnkey real estate, is offering fully finished performing properties that have inspected, warranted, and professionally managed to, real estate investors. The benefit of this service to a new investor or even an seasoned investor who already has a portfolio, is we just know that we can do it better than they can.
You want to invest in, turnkey real estate, near or in bigger cities, near big employers, and near downtown areas.
How to build a turnkey investment business
Jeff Schechter, CEO and co-founder of High Return Real Estate teaches, how to build wealth though, turnkey real estate investing. Jeff has been helping his clients, build wealth, though, turnkey real estate investing, for close to 40 years.
As a Realtor, real estate investor, as well as Life coach. I myself have been in the, real estate, business for some time 19 years. So, I can lend a lot to this conversation. In fact, if you google, Realtor Life coach, I am at the top of the list!
CEO & CO-FOUNDER Jeff Schechter, aka “Shecky” has had the entrepreneurial bug his entire life. He started his first business right out of college, and over the years been involved in numerous businesses ventures. His love for, real estate investing, began in the 1980’s, when he rehabbed 5 of his own residences, before the term, house hacking, even existed.
Since those early days of torn up kitchens and bathrooms, he’s bought and sold many properties, and is an active investor to this day. In addition to, real estate investing, he operates a private consulting practice. He thrives on helping people realize their full potential…not just in business and investing, but in all aspects of life.
I kind of sucked at school. I was not very focused. I came from an incredibly traditional background, where I just reversed a lot of expectations placed on me. As a result, it was very difficult for me to follow through with stuff in college. So, entrepreneurialism and starting my own businesses were really a form of necessity, because I didn't really have any terrific formal training. It was also a form of establishing my own, freedom Lifestyle.
Myrna: What made you choose, real estate, as your business?
I just always kind of have this entrepreneurial bend and would look for ways to increase my income. Eventually I started seeing that high ticket items like homes, had lots more opportunity for profit. I figured out back in the 80’s, I could buy them in not as good a condition and be able to buy them for a whole lot cheaper than what the pretty ones were, and I could fix them up and add a whole lot of value to them, because people were willing to pay a premium for the really nice homes.
So what I would do is, I would just live in them for a year or two while I was fixing them up and then I would sell them and move on to the next one. It was a way to make some really nice extra profits and live for free for many years.
That was kind of the initial seeds of my, real estate investing, career before I started, turnkey real estate investment,
That's also a good model as well, because you know the government helps you with the capital gains tax breaks. If you live in a house that’s your primary residence for two years and sell that home, then you can earn up to $250,000 in tax free income if single and $500,000 if married.
I actually didn't know that at the beginning, but learned it very early on. I would figure out that I wanted to live in most places exactly two years and one day!
I was listening to the audio book “The Automatic Millionaire Homeowner” and the author was interviewing a lot of homeowners who started off with purchasing small homes, like buying a $30,000 home and then selling it to buy a bigger home and so on and so on. One homeowner couple who started off with like $3,000 or something like that to buy their first home ended up making $500,000 on a $750,000 property. All tax free!
Myrna: What is your advice for someone who is starting out today, Real Estate Investing, in 2019?
Someone starting with a small house or a condo or something and trying to build wealth?
There is a bit of a downturn going on in the current Real Estate market, but you know, Real Estate, is cyclical and there's a natural cycle. When we look back at what happened in 2009, the banks were doing some really stupid stuff. Anybody could get a loan, even if they didn't have a job. It had to crash. Fast-forward to today, there's been a lot of laws and regulations that has been put into place to prevent that situation from happening again.
But playing the appreciation game is dicey. It's not the way that we invest anymore in our, turnkey real estate investment, model; appreciation is not our primary concern. What I mean by that is the only thing that we know for sure is that people need basic things. They need food and they need shelter, and so from a shelter standpoint, we know that owning a basic property whether you call it a house, duplex, apartment, whatever it is, always going to be something that's in demand, because people will always need a place to live.
You want to invest in, turnkey real estate investing, near in or in bigger cities, near big employers, and near downtown areas. Rental properties are always going to be in demand in those areas. So what we look for from a standpoint of, turnkey real estate investment, are properties that we can buy inexpensively and sell as, turnkey real estate investing, that we don’t have to put a lot of money into rehab. The price to rent ratio is everything to us. In other words, can want to get a really good return on our money when we put that property out there into the rental pool.
So cash flow is more important to us than appreciation. We start by getting that thing rented and cash flowing. Even after we take out all kinds of money for taxes, insurance, property management, repairs all that other kind of stuff, can we still make a really attractive and in most cases, a double-digit return on our, turnkey real estate investing,.
If we can do that, we don't really give a crap about appreciation. We don't even really care if we have a little bit of depreciation, because we always have the demand for the rental properties, and as such we will always have cash flow. If we always have cash flow, we always have a great asset and the investors are happy.
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Myrna: What, turnkey real estate investment, services you offer?
We offer fully finished performing properties that we have inspected, warranted, and professionally managed. The benefit of this service to a new or an investor or even an investor who already has a portfolio is we just know that we can do it better than they can.
We buy properties in bulk, so the properties are acquired for the right price, rehabbed correctly so that it's in great condition. It doesn't need a lot of repairs moving forward and most importantly it has to be managed correctly for cash flow.
My business partner and myself are buying properties in the Midwest and Indianapolis and neither one of us lived in Indianapolis, but we wanted to invest where it made sense. In the last two and a half to three years, we've just really dialed everything back and built a better mouse trap.
We now have an amazing acquisition team, amazing rehab teams and a full property management division that really does everything. We married the combination of this great city for investing where prices are low and price to rent ratios are really like the best in the country and we're also in a state that has incredibly friendly landlord laws.
After competing for nearly four years as a professional golfer, he transitioned out of the world of golf into his new endeavors as coach.
Can you share your journey to becoming a professional golfer and how it marries to your life today as a coach, collaborator and podcaster. There must be a story in there why you actually give up golf, love to hear it.
Journey to self-mastery
My journey like everyone's life and path is a journey. Journeys take lots of time and usually involve lots of failure and mine is no doubt the same. I started playing golf when I was really young. My dad got me into it and I really enjoyed playing. I was a competitive kid so anything with competition in sports I was in.
In golf, there wasn't anyone else responsible for your successes. Your path to, self-mastery, depends on only you. I felt like I had the most control in my success. As I progressed it became clear it was something that I could really build. My focus kind of narrowed on golf in high school. I started dropping other sports so that I could really focus on golf. I ended up playing in college at Masters University in California. I worked on, self-mastery, for four years in college.
It was clear that I had the skills to be a professional golfer. So, I decided to give it a shot. In my senior year, I created the business plan and the structure around getting the financing to play professional golf. I got 10 to 11 sponsors and investors to back me. So, when I graduated, I was able to turn professional right away, upon leaving college in May of 2014. That kind of kicked off my four-year journey of playing professional golf.
Professional Golf teaches mastery
It takes a professional golfer about 10 years to get from, here to there, there being the PGA tour, and to self-mastery, the ultimate goal for every professional golfer. It's not an overnight thing. There're the people that you know, Tiger Woods, Jordan Spieth and Phil Mickelson and the 1% of the 1% the superstars. Everyone else it takes an average of 10 years to get from, here to there, and to, self-mastery,
My first year was a lot of failure, and a lot of learning. It was this process of development and, self-mastery, the process of learning how to develop and grow as a human very much at the same time.
As a golfer I started to learn to grow and improve and see some slow signs of growth and success. About two years into the journey after I've gotten partial status, I started to face a systemic injury which started in 2016. It was a muscle strain in my back. Many different factors combined and that kicked off about a year-and-a-half journey of failing to rehab correctly, failure of treating the symptom versus the injury. When I did reach the end of those first three and a half years, it became clear that my body wasn't 100 % healed.
But the bigger thing that happened was at my desires and giftings and abilities had kind of shown a different purpose. I felt more called to coach, so I made the decision this last December to transition out of Golf.
Finding true purpose
I truly believe what I'm doing now is my purpose. I believe that golf equipped me for my true purpose. I think that the journey of professional golf was a hyper-focused form of personal development and, self-mastery, because golf again is an arena where at the end of the day you have to take 100% ownership of your career, your life and your success because there's no one to blame but yourself if you don’t succeed.
There are no coaches, there's no teammates, there's no referee, there's no other external factors that you can blame for winning or losing. You have to take that ownership upon yourself. So, it really it forced me to leave no stone unturned in figuring out how to optimize and to, self-mastery, create the best form of myself as a competitor and as a golfer. You can't control outcomes, but you can control your preparation and, self-mastery, of the game.
I never planned on being at this place where I am now, as a speaker and a writer and entrepreneur. All these things manifested because I was faithful to do the best that I could. In golf I left no stone unturned, and it has equipped me for his work. If I hadn't been faithful to do that then I wouldn't be ready. Golf allowed me to get, from here to there, and to, self-mastery,
There's a really good book called “The talent code” by Daniel Coyle and he teaches whether you’re coaching soccer or teaching a child to play the piano, writing a novel or trying to improve your golf swing, this revolutionary book shows you how to grow talent by tapping into a newly discovered brain mechanism. He feels that just because you have the talent doesn't mean
it will be nurtured to the level of, self-mastery, its deep work and deep practice to really develop skill, competence and, self-mastery, in any field it's always a combination of nature and nurture.
I think the mindset of a professional athlete is one that is competitive but not just competitive it's also inspired. I think having clarity is really important as well. As an athlete you get objective feedback of win or lose, so you can figure out how to get, from here to there, and to, self- mastery, I think the same is true about having a vision. You have a goal you are striving for and you get feedback from whether you are successful or not.
What is your quarter life perspective on, self- mastery.
I give a lot of credit for this title to my grandpa. When I was writing this book, he was an influential voice in my head and life.
