As we approach Father’s Day, I wanted to talk about, father absence. I was inspired to talk about this from an article I read from relationship coach Andre Paradis. He shared some disturbing, father absence statistics, and the, causal effects of, father absence, and, black father absence.
Back in the 60’s, 5% of white women, 15% of Latinas, and 20% of black women were single mothers. Fast forward 40 years later Now, 20% of white women, 55% of Latinas and 70% of black women are single mothers. Those are scary numbers. The causal effects of, father absence, is that 70% of criminals in jail come from, single-mom households? 90% of all inmates are males, fatherless males.
As a black woman I empathize with my black sisters who are raising their children without fathers.
As a relationship coach Andre feels the reason for, father absence, is because women are not able to create healthy bonds with men so they leave. Also, the role of a father is to provide and protect his family and now the women have become the providers and protectors. No wonder women have lost their, feminine traits, and men run around calling us, masculine women.
Problem is Andre says, is women can’t raise men. I know they say that we only raise cattle not kids, but that is the only word we know.
Single family homes or to be specific, single mom homes, are creating kids who are not contributing members to society.
70% of criminals in jail come from, single-mom households. 90% of all inmates are males, fatherless males.
Without a father present, boys don’t learn to develop some very basic male traits like integrity, accountability, sacrifice, character-building choices, appropriate use of force, how to provide or protect, etc. Only men can teach young men how to become good men.
Father absence creates soft men
He says women don’t have these traits built in. Women pass on connection, tenderness, being kind, sweet and loving, being passive, sharing instead of competing, etc. The problem is that raising boys to be sweet girls doesn’t make them sweet boys; it makes them emotional, and weak. Not able to provide or protect a family.
Masculine men, who had a father as a role model, control their tempers and do what needs to be done regardless of how they “feel” about it. They protect women, children, animals, and the weak, because they’ve built up their character and know that they are valuable and capable. Weak, sweet, soft men DON’T! Boys need Men to show them the right way and the honorable way.
Women can’t do this for boys. They have a whole different set of innate values and characteristics.
Father absence makes girls look for love in all the wrong places
But boys are not the only ones who need a father, girls needs a daddy for two very important reasons.
First, she needs her dad to be the first man to love and protect her. This builds her trust in men. Girls who grow up without a father’s love go looking for love in all the wrong places.
Secondly, young girls who are raised without fathers have NO idea what a “daddy” (father role-model) looks like and does in life. Without daddy energy in the house or around her, a young woman sees her mom become the provider and protector and she in turn becomes a, masculine woman, which takes away her femininity, vulnerability and ability to trust anyone… especially men.
So, ladies your children need their fathers. Do whatever you can to encourage a relationship with their fathers even if he does not support them financially. A father’s love is priceless.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. Your kids need you.
Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna
Dr Carl decided to write this book and mentor, black fathers, because it is something that the black community needs to get better at. Carl Stokes Jr. is an award-winning social worker, educator, college instructor and recently received his doctorate in education. His dissertation focuses on, Black Fathers, and their perseverance in community colleges. Dr Carl is passionate about working to uplift the black community. He also enjoys teaching, parenting classes, for a small non-profit organization.
Myrna – As a black man tell us your story of your relationship with your, father, and your current relationships with your daughters. I’m curious to know, because a lot of times we work on areas that we have lived through.
Because of my job and because I had very little free time, I felt exhausted.
I had such a low energy level that it took me over 30 minutes to get out of bed each morning… Plus I felt tired all day long!
So I decided to start working with the healing energy of crystals in order to keep my stress under control and to increase my energy level, and that’s how I found the Vitajuwel bottles.
I just turned 43 and after just a few months of drinking water from the Vitajuwel bottles, I feel more alive than ever!
I am able to manage stress way better plus my energy is through the roof!
Thank you Vitajuwel for giving me back my energy!”
Dr Carl – What’s interesting is that my answer is both. I grew up with my, black father, and without my, black father. My dad was in the home until I was about 10 or 11 years old, unfortunately though during that time he had fallen victim to the crack cocaine epidemic of the 80s. So my, father, was in a home; but life was very difficult during that time; because of what he was going through.
However, he was still in the home, there was still benefits of his presence. Then things got really bad to the point where we were basically forced out. I went through that whole period of teenage years and everything without guidance of my, father. So, as an adult, I can see the difference between an, absentee dad, and a, Black father, in the home. Because even though my, father, wasn’t at his best, when he was in the home I benefited form him being visible.
Why Black Fathers should be visible to their kids
Myrna – So between the ages of 1 and 10 your dad was in the home; but he even though he couldn’t be a, father, because he was under the influence of crack cocaine, what you are saying is that the fact your, father, was in the home; it had some positive effect on you.
Dr Carl – Absolutely! Discipline wise, teaching me how to protect and take care of my mother, because he was gone a lot. He would have conversations with me. It was nice having a, father, to talk to. It was a benefit to me and my younger brother.
Have you been involved in a car or truck accident?
Have you been hurt in a slip and fall?
Have you been injured due to the acts or omissions of a medical doctor?
Have you been told that you couldn’t get paid because there was little to no damage to your vehicle?
Have you been told that you did not have a claim because you are undocumented?
You need a lawyer that will fight hard for you!
You need Attorney Janica L. Campbell
Call The Law Offices of Janica L. Campbell today for your free consultation.
Just as a diamond represents itself using the 4C’s, we dedicate ourselves to a 4C business model.
-competent legal representation
-clear and concise communication and having a
-collaborative and creative approach
You focus on your recovery.
We focus on collecting the check!
Give The Law Offices of Janica L. Campbell a call today.
I can sit here and say that I did get lessons from having that male presence in the house. I can also say I also experienced domestic violence and theft. I also experienced run-ins with the police and people from the street and all that. I wouldn’t say stick it out regardless, because I just as easily could have went the other way. I was just fortunate enough to take the more positive path.
Why is being a visible Black Father is Important
Myrna – Let’s transition to your relationship with your daughters. You have three daughters. How do you parent them knowing that you didn’t have a, father, since you were 10 years old?
Dr Carl – Okay, this is where it gets a little bit interesting and sort of complicated, because I became a, black father, at 17 years old. I was a senior in high school, unfortunately because I was so young and because I didn’t have the guidance and I was immature, I ended up not handling my, parenting, as a, Black father, the way I should have. My daughter’s mother decided to move to Atlanta Georgia and take my daughter with her.
I didn’t know I had rights. I didn’t know that I shouldn’t have allowed her to take my daughter without working out any arrangements. The separation caused damage to the relationship between me and my first daughter. When I became a, Black Father, to my other two daughters, I vowed that nothing was going to stop me from being a good dad. Fatherhood, became my absolute top priority.
Replacing the Absentee Black Father Myth
Myrna – Why is it that traditionally, black fathers, have been absent? We know we’ve got the crack epidemic, we know we’ve got prison; but even when none of those circumstances are present, black fathers, still don’t make it a priority to parent their children. Why do you think that is the situation?
Dr Carl – We kind of lowered our own expectations as, Black dads. We have very little guidance and then when we put the other things in a mix;
It causes extra stress and strain on, Black fathers, and their relationships with their kids.
Myrna – I actually just started reading Mike Tyson’s book “Undisputed Truth”. If you want to hear about a messed up Black family with no role models, this is the book to read. I couldn’t believe all the stuff that Mike Tyson lived through as a child without a, Black father, and an, absentee dad. How can, Black Dads, have a relationship with their kids and a relationship as a husband when all they know is dysfunction?
A Guide for Black Fathers
Why did you write the book “Reclaim your Visibility: A Straightforward Guide for Black Men to Improve Themselves and their Relationship with your Children?
Dr Carl – I wrote this book simply because of this: I got it wrong for many years and I want to assist in the idea of, black fathers, not having to go through being an, absentee dad, and learn from my mistakes. My eldest daughter and I had a very rocky path and I don’t want that to go in vain. I don’t want to just talk about the plight of, Black Fatherhood, I want to do something about it. If I can help one, Black Father, have a better relationship with their child or children, then it’s totally worth it.
Myrna – What makes your guide book different from all the other, Fatherhood, books?
Dr Carl – I am not the old wise man on top of the mountain talking to the village. The reason why this book is different is I literally started to repair my relationship with my eldest daughter this past summer. So this book is about real life, not theory.
Myrna – A lot of, Black Fathers, are, absentee dads. Do you think that they can repair the damage and build back a relationship with their children?
Up is Higher than Down Podcast
We Explore how to be Deliberate, Defiant, and Determined to
Look up! Get Up! And Stay Up! Despite the challenge
Listen to others share how they keep it moving during these stressful times.
Join up is higher than Down from all major podcasting networks
Come on over to our Up is Higher Than Down Facebook Group and keep the conversation going.
Grab-an-UP and Go! Remember, Any part of Up is Higher Than Down.
Dr Carl – Absolutely! We can’t always take it back; but we have to learn from these mistakes and move on. That is the basis of the book and that’s why it’s called “A Straightforward Guide for Black Fathers to Improve Themselves and their Relationships with their Children” Because a lot of times, black fathers, need healing ourselves.
How to offer support for Black Father in College
Myrna – You mentioned that you did a doctoral thesis and research on Black Fathers in Colleges. Tell us about that.
Dr Carl – The dissertation is actually on, Black Student Fathers, and their persistence and perseverance in community Colleges. I was a community college, Black Father, with a child and a lot of times, these schools have programs for mothers; but no guidance for, Black Dads. I wanted to do something different and focus on this very specific population, black student fathers, in community college settings.
Dr Carl – In the media piece, I do several things. This is my official company where I do speaking engagements, seminars conferences, trainings and mentoring. The other sides of my books are self-published. I’m also assisting other people to help get their stories out and become published Authors. So the whole Stokes Media concept embodies all those things.
Myrna – Tell our listeners and those watching on YouTube how to contact you and get a copy of your book.
Dr Carl – The easiest way to contact me is to go directly to my website www.drcarlstokesjr.com. You can go right to the contact page and fill out the inquiry form. You can ask questions, leave comments/feedback or whatever you want to do.
Myrna – You also mentor, Black Fathers, at a non-profit organization. Tell us about that.
Dr Carl – I actually do, parenting classes, for an agency here in Buffalo called the “Family Help Center”. So when parents are looking for assistance, I help.
How Co-parenting can help Black Fathers stay visible
Myrna – When you do the, parenting classes, can you walk us through some of your subjects or the things that you talk about? In this conversation we’ve been focusing on, Black Fathers, but all fathers can benefit from your book and, parenting. What advise would you give them?
Dr Carl – I would say the number one advice I would give to parents is on, co-parenting. I don’t care if you don’t get along, I don’t care if all broke up because he was doing this or doing that. What’s important is the child or the children. We have to learn to get along for the sake of the children and be fair to each other for the sake of the children. Your children are witnessing and understanding these arguments, these disagreements, these accusations and things like that.
We tend to think that the kids are stupid and they’re not listening to anything. Let me tell you, they’re taking in everything, they’re taking in how you feel, they’re taking in the energy that you’re putting out and they are internalizing the things that they’re hearing. So, co-parenting, is key especially in our community we have to get that fixed.
What is the message for Black Fathers
Myrna – What is the message that you want them to take away with when they close the book?
Dr Carl – The predominant message of the book if I had to break it down into one main theme, I would say I would want my, black fathers, to understand how important we are to the situation. As a foundation of the family, to us being better as a community as a whole. Black Fathers, are so valuable, we are so important, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to get over this idea of stepping back or I can’t deal with this.
We have to understand how meaningful it is for us to be around and holding down our families. We hold down our households, our households work together to hold down our neighborhoods, our neighborhoods hold it down together to hold down our communities and it spreads on like that.
We don’t need to worry about or hope for everybody else to do this for us, we can do it ourselves; but it starts with us being in the house and visible to our kids. Even if you don’t live in the house, I’m just saying the presence of involvement is necessary. Not everybody is going to be together, and that’s why we talk about, co-parenting. Our presence is so valuable, we have to make sure that we handle our business as a, black father.
Myrna – Where can they get the book?
Dr Carl – You can get the book on Amazon Kindle. If you want a signed copy you can get it from me directly at www.drcarlstokesjunior.com.
If anybody wants the Audio book, go to my site www.drcarlstonesjr.com. Order the Audio book and there’s a free sample on there.
Enter the code “stay visible2021” and you’ll get 25% off of the Audio book.
Black Fathers, are important to the community. Any father is important to the community; but we’re concentrating on our community, the black community. Our community is jacked up. Like you said you go to your friend’s house and they’ve got a mom and a dad and food in the kitchen and everybody is getting along. You’re not outside throwing things at each other and having the police come by and all that which is a lot of which is the lifestyle of some children in the, black community.
Shout out to my Atlanta audience. Hopefully your daughter can listen on the radio WDJY 99.1 FM.
I want to encourage you guys if you’re watching us on YouTube to please subscribe. We’re trying to grow our channel because it’s much more exciting to actually see the person that I’m interviewing. So, if you’re watching on YouTube, kindly subscribe so you’ll be able to get the new videos as they come out every week.
If you’re listening on the radio and you want to be able to hear the podcast another time other than the radio broadcast, I encourage you to subscribe to any of the 11 podcast players that the show airs on.
If you’re in iTunes, please read and review because that allows us to grow our audience as well. I also have a Facebook group called Life Coach. I invite you guys all to join.