How to Stop Negative Self Talk

Most of the time our, self-communication, is negative.  Our, negative self-talk, is different from the way we talk to our friends for example.  So we need to tell ourselves “I don’t like the way you talk to me”

My guest today all the way from the UK is Cheyne Towers.  Cheyne is a hypnotherapist and, self-communication, expert and we are going to be talking today on, negative self-talk, and, mindfulness.

Listen to the full interview here:

 

Cheyne Towers. London-based hypnotherapist Cheyne Towers has been helping people to transform how they speak toward themselves for the best part of two decades. Through simple yet profound understanding he has successfully helped many who have suffered trauma, abuse, depression, and anxiety. Now the co-founder of The Dialogue of Self Liberation, Cheyne is sharing this practical transformational system online, helping people to develop The Mindfulness of Self-Communication, and nurture self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Always willing to connect Cheyne can regularly be found hosting the TDSL Global Community Calls, where he provides continuing support to people around the world who wish to improve and enhance the quality of their self-communications. As a lifelong martial artist, Cheyne has also developed seated Qigong for people with mobility challenges, and also teaches workshops at Sword Punk traditional weapons-training festival in the UK.

Does being a martial artist help with self communication?

Myrna – You are a martial artist and a, self-communication, expert. Martial art is a very controlled sport, so it lends to having control of your, mind. Can you share your journey from martial art to, mindfulness?  You mentioned that you’re helping people who have suffered, trauma, or, abuse, and depression.

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Cheyne – From an early age, I had an interest in, inner development, self-development, meditation, and those kinds of practices.  I started practicing martial art around 17 years old.  I’m currently 55 years old and that’s been a constant throughout my life.

I never wanted to become a therapist, but through mutual friends, I was introduced to it by a very experienced, hypnotherapist. I studied with him as his personal student for the last four years of his life and during that time he took me through a process that totally transformed my life on every level for the better.

How I let go of my Negative Self-talk and repetitive patterns

Unbeknown to me, I’d spent 20 years of my life engaging in very, negative repetitive patterns of, self-talk, giving myself a very hard time, beating myself up, blaming myself for not being good enough, for having been a failure in relationships and many other things.

I didn’t realize that I was doing it. I hadn’t got a clue and he helped me in a very clear and methodical way to identify those unhelpful habits and, negative beliefs, that I’d picked up along the way about myself.

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Myrna – Did he put you under under, hypnotherapy, or did he just talk to you?

Cheyne – He used the methodology of developing the, mindfulness, of, self-communication.  The very first thing he had me do was to develop the skill of monitoring the dialogue I was speaking to myself. Moment to moment what are you actually saying to yourself, about yourself now in this moment is very important to stopping, negative self-talk.

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How to Listen to your Self-talk

You need to develop the skill of listening to what you’re actually telling yourself and your, negative self-talk, from moment to moment. I bet you will discover that you don’t like the way you speak to yourself.

What are the stories you picked up along the way that no longer serve you? There’s a responsibility that we have toward ourselves, with regards to, how we speak to ourselves about ourselves.  We program ourselves through our, self-communications, but then we begin to utilize the more creative aspects of the imagination which is more the formal.

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Hypnosis, or, self-hypnosis, is sometimes necessary to stop the, negative self-talk. Let’s say somebody can’t stop the, negative self-talk, about themselves because all their life they were hearing things like:

  • you’re not good enough.
  • you’ll never be nothing.
  • you will never amount to anything.
  • You will never be a success in life.

Myrna – Now they’re mindful of it because they’re listening. Can they stop without, hypnotherapy?

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Can we stop the negative self-talk without Hypnotherapy?

Cheyne – I don’t like the term, hypnotherapy, or, hypnotherapist, because I think it’s a loaded term and people have many misconceptions about what, hypnotherapy, actually is. So I tend to describe that aspect of the work as I help people to harness the creative power of their imagination, so that they learn how to work with it, rather than be a slave to it.

Myrna – Hypnotherapy, migrates and it changes, so now you’re using the term, creative imagination. How did the martial arts piece fit in to your, negative self-talk?

Cheyne – That’s a great question.  I use a lot of metaphors and symbolism in this work because the metaphors and symbols convey things to the, subconscious mind. Which is where we need to make the alterations in the trigger mechanisms that are built up because of our experiences.

There’s a saying a very old Chinese saying the mind leads the chi

This is true of everything in life. If we fixate our thinking in a particular way, if we imagine a particular scenario that is what we attract into our lives.  The mind leads the Chi!

When we think about those negative imaginings, our energy, our Chi, gets poured into those molds and we kind of become that shape.

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Negative self-talk – I am not good enough

Myrna – I’m a, Life coach, I know that I’m not good enough is one of the top, negative self-talk, or, self-communication, that we partake of.

Cheyne – True, we torment ourselves and beat ourselves up and come up with all kinds of cruel variations on that theme. We would never dream of speaking to another person the way we speak to ourselves.  I Don’t Like the Way You Speak to Me.

We would never dream of putting another person down and yet somehow, we’ve become conditioned to believe that it’s somehow okay for us to talk to ourselves like that.

I’m going to title this “I don’t like the way you speak to me” because we don’t say nice things to ourselves. It is always, negative self-talk. We never say things like:

  • you’re so pretty.
  • you’re so beautiful.
  • you are going to kick ass in this job.
  • I am good enough for this promotion.

No, the, self-communication, is always negative.

Cheyne – I did that for 20 years of my life totally unconsciously until my teacher helped me to to spot it.

Self-liberation is a program to help us with, negative self-talk

Myrna – That’s amazing, so he pointed you to your purpose. That helped you create the, self-liberation, program.  Tell us about it.

Cheyne – The dialogue of, self-liberation, is the name that I’ve given to the methodology of understanding the principles of, negative self-talk. I also call it the “rinse and repeat.”

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People have come to see me in all states of, brokenness. I’ve worked with many people who’ve been raped, who’ve had experience of, sexual abuse, violent, abusive relationships, all kinds of, trauma.

Yet when it’s explained clearly to a person that there is a way for them to begin to change literally the stories, they’re telling themselves about themselves.

Just because we’ve had certain experiences in our past, those experiences don’t need to define who we are today.  What defines who we are, is what we do with the experiences we’ve been through.

How do we process those experiences?  We can learn from those experiences and choose to no longer communicate about the past as if it were the present or the future. We can chose to stop the, negative self-talk.

Self-liberation is a freeing experience

This is an incredibly freeing and liberating experience, so the dialogue of, self-liberation, is process of learning how to communicate toward ourselves. In a way that has nothing to do with, positive affirmation, nothing to do with fake positivity or anything like that. It allows us to stop communicating to ourselves in, self-abusive, self-limiting, self-pitying, ways in the present tense and the future tense.

Myrna – I’m listening very intently to what you’re saying, because someone who’s reading this wouldn’t understand the depth of what you’re saying. What you’re saying is someone who has been, broken, they’re a victim, someone has done something to them and yet the, negative self-talk, that they’re telling themselves is saying that because of this, you are nobody. Because of this you’re not worth anything.

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Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

I was in this same situation for a long time myself, I didn’t get out of it until I was in my 40s.  I was, sexually abused, as a child and I carried shame with that. I experienced that, self-liberation, myself once I started talking about it.  Now I don’t have any shame attached to it because I was a victim, I was a child. A child can’t give consent to anything.

What does, self-liberation, look like on the other side of shame?

Cheyne – Guilt and shame are really common themes in, trauma. We all commonly normalize the behavior and then end up blaming ourselves. We communicate to ourselves, well I must have deserved it for some reason or another.

When we uncover what we’ve actually been communicating toward ourselves, then we can utilize the use of the, creative imagination, to change the dialogue. We have online programs that we have via the website that we’re teaching the dialogue of, self-liberation.  We have various audio materials, some of those are what we refer to as guided contemplations.

These are spoken voice exercises to encourage the person to speak out loud with their own voice in an unconditionally open, self-supportive, and non-limiting way.  We have these suggested spoken voice exercises we call guided contemplations plus audio exercises of guided visualizations. The guided visualizations are designed to help people to take old memories of experiences that were upsetting or traumatic or just incredibly challenging and then to use their, creative imagination, to begin to change how they choose to view the memory.

Myrna – One of my most favorite quotes from Dr Wayne Dwyer

Change the way you look at a thing and the thing you look at will change

 

All we have to do the work.  I love Byron Katie, she has a book called “The Work. Change does not come without us doing the work!

We have to do the work to replace our negative self-talk

If you don’t do the work, you will continue to be with your bottom feeder emotions.  The guilt, the shame, the anger, the blame.  You will play the blame game. I’m not going to do well in life, because my parents abused me, or somebody abused me. In my book “Out of the Snares, a story of Hope and Encouragement” I call this stop being a victim and become a player. When we are in the, game of life, and we get bad cards, we have to learn how to play to win with those cards.

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Tell our readers how they can get more information on your work.

Cheyne – thank you very much Myrna, my website is www.learntdsl.com.

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TDSL means the dialogue of, self-liberation.

We have an audio program which is in the form of an app which you would download to your phone with five audio lessons with accompanying audio exercises in the form of guided contemplations.

We also have a live program which consists of drip-fed PDF material over a five-week course with accompanying audio exercises plus one live zoom call with a small group of people once a week at the same time each week for five weeks. We’ve been running this with people around the world now for the last year and we’ve had some just wonderful feedback from the participants.

 

Conclusion

I want to thank you guys for tuning in to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life Radio  Podcast and television show. Please leave a review on iTunes and give us a rating if you liked this blog and podcast.

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Additional Resources

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Life Leadership & Success

 

5 Mindset Shifts For Couples to Have Fantastic Relationships

If you want a fantastic, relationship, with your significant other, you need some mindset shifts, from thinking like a girlfriend to thinking like his wife.

Mindset shifts or, transformation, is necessary if your belief system is not producing the results you are expecting in life. As a Life and, Transformation, Coach, I wanted to share some, mindset, transformations about relationships that may get you better results.

5 Mindset Shifts

1. What is the right reason to enter into a long term relationship?

Most of us (including me before I was enlightened) feel that we should enter into a long term commitment because we “fell” in love.
Others may enter into a long term, relationship, like marriage because they want children; they want security or even to stem loneliness. But, according to Neale Donald Walsch from the “Conversations with God” series, we should put a little more thought into choosing a long term partner than feelings.

 

We should enter into a long term partnership for a mutually beneficial purpose.

I was watching an very old episode of Oprah a few weeks ago and she was interviewing the Smith’s. I was so impressed with Will Smith and Jada Pinketh Smith’s philosophy on marriage and family. They had a mutually beneficial purpose for their, relationship, and it continues today. They have family meetings every week to keep the purpose of the marriage and family in front of them.

Their purpose for getting together was to enhance the lives of others and they do that by always choosing work that inspires others.
And even though we have heard many rumors of the marriage failing, it is still standing because their purpose for it is greater than the two of them.

  • So when two people enter in a, long term relationship, they have the, mindset, to figure out the Why? What is the mutually beneficial purpose?
    Are they wanting to bring up children for a purpose?
    Like Will and Jada Smith
    -Are they wanting to enhance Gods kingdom?
    Like Joel and Victoria Osteen
    -Are they going to change the world through leadership?
    Like Barack and Michelle Obama?

If the purpose is strong it will be like a house built on the rocks, it will withstand the storms

Why relationships Fail

2. Mindset Shifts, Why do relationships fail?
Statistics show that, relationships, fail because of failed expectations.
Most, relationships, start out with each party having predefined expectations about what they want out of the relationship and what they want from the other person.

Contrary to popular opinion another person cannot complete you, you must complete yourself.

The bible teaches that it is not if another person will disappoint, but when. So when you enter into a, relationship, and its survival is based on what the other person does, says, etc. You will always be disappointed.

Mindset shifts,  is necessary to become the best you, to make sure you are living up to your ideal self because we can never change another person, we can only change ourselves.
For example, there is conflict over a wife’s expectation that her husband takes her out on romantic dinners once per month. She is waiting on him to make the offer and he doesn’t, instead he goes out with his friends and leaves her at home with the kids.
She has several options:
Sulking, picking a fight, going out with her girlfriends – none of which heals the relationship – or she can Give That Which She Wants.
She can take him to dinner, she can cook a romantic dinner and send the kids to the babysitter. She can respond with love.

Anything you want, you first have to give.

Mindset Shift – Take care of yourself First

3. Mindset shifts: – Become self-centered.
I know this is going to shock some, because we were all brought up to believe that being selfish and self-centered is bad; but not according to the bible! The bible teaches that we must love others as we love ourselves.

Our first relationship must be with self.

We must learn to honor and cherish self and love ourselves before we can love another.
We can never truly fall in love with another, until we have truly fallen in love with ourselves.
I know women are always sacrificing self for others, they think it makes for a good relationship; but it has the opposite effect.

They get burnt out and then resentment sets in. Then they start to resent their spouse for doing nothing. They cultivated that attitude.
The old saying that you have to train people how to treat you is truth. You start off doing all the work in the home, looking after the kids, doing all the cooking, while your spouse drinks beer and watch TV, then 5 years later when you are burnt out. You shouldn’t blame your spouse!

You should be self centered and make time in the day for your self.
Get up and go to the gym, walk, pray or meditate.
Make time in the evening to reflect, learn something, relax!
Everyone around you will benefit.

4. Mindset shifts:   – Being hurt and disappointed  

We will all have hurt and disappointments in our lives.
In fact there is an old saying that says:

You are either going through something, coming out of something or about to go through something!

It is time for us to adopt a different response to our challenges and disappointments.
As humans we react with pain and hurt to what another is being, saying or doing.
The first thing we should do is to become conscious and aware of the feelings we are having.
Don’t run from the pain, don’t mask it with drugs or alcohol. Feel it, acknowledge it.
Try to find yourself in it.
Be honest with your feelings.

It is very important to not react with vengeance or rage, and to understand your true feelings.
Once you feel it and acknowledge it, it’s power over you diminishes and you can get to the place of this of

“This too shall pass”.
After that you can then reach for your highest self and look for the lessons.

A master knows that all experiences comes to teach and is for self-growth.

5. Mindset shifts, – Forgive or look past behaviors of your spouse or significant 

As Christians we are taught to forgive, if we want to forgiveness.
To not judge before we take the plank out of our own eyes.
So it would seem that the Christian thing to do is to forgive our spouses for his/her sins.
But in the book “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsh

The author teaches that you should always do what’s best for us. Remember we are self-centered.
Your girl friends are always going to encourage you to leave your husband because he is a cheater.
Walsch says that you should leave your spouse only if it is best action for you or your children.
You leave when the marriage no longer fulfills its purpose.

Let’s look at Hilary Clinton. I believe she married Bill Clinton with a purpose. He has always been a cheater but she saw his potential as a future President; So she proposed to him and chose to overlook his infidelity. She chose self!
Today her daughter is living a purpose driven life, She was First Lady of the Unites States of America and could become the first female President of the United States of America. You have never heard of her infidelity even though we have heard all about her husband’s.
We should all follow her lead and leave our cheating spouses to God, we should concern ourselves only with self. Being the best we can be and we will get our crown here on earth as well as our heavenly crown in the next life.

Myrna is the Host of the “Mindset Transformation radio show” on

https://www.wdjyfm.com/#!on-air/cee5 every Wednesday from 5:00 pm to 6:00 pm

If you would like to be a guest or become a sponsor contact her at info@myhelps.us.

Listen to past broadcasts of the “Mindset Transformations radio show” on the Myhelps Youtube Channel
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How to Get and How to Keep a Man

7 Ways to Get Unstuck and Take Back Your Power

One of the worst, negative emotions, in my opinion, is the feeling of, being stuck; defined as moving forward or going back looks worse than staying in the misery of your current situation. How do you, get unstuck?

Our topic today is How to, Get Unstuck. This is a, life coaching, session with, coach Myrna

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Being stuck, is a place of no personal power

https://youtu.be/w4Qxq23FzPQ

What it feels like to be stuck

A few months back I received a note on LinkedIn from a young lady who said she was,  stuck. I felt her pain deep within my soul so I offered her a free, life coaching, to, get unstuck.

She was in an, abusive relationship. Her boyfriend was physically abusive to both her and her 2 year old daughter and she feared for her life. She had the courage to pack up and leave that situation. She lived in Florida and her only family lived in Atlanta, Georgia. In order to, get unstuck,  she quit her job, left her boyfriend and fled to her sister’s home in Atlanta. Her sister was unemployed and had 6 children. She was dependent on her husband for support. This young lady felt uncomfortable living in her sister’s home, because she didn’t have anything for herself and now she had to feed her and her child. She called me because she felt she should go back to her, abusive relationship!

How many of you can feel her pain?
Being stuck, is  when the pain of staying in your current intolerable situation looks better than the pain of leaving.
It could be a domestic situation.
It could be an intolerable boss.
It could be a demeaning job.

How do you make the decision to, get unstuck?

How do you find the strength to want something better?

How did I coach this situation?

This is the major benefit of, life coaching, the ability of the, life coach, to see the frame.

You see you can’t see the frame when you are the picture!

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iHeart Radio

Coaching to Get Unstuck

I knew that one of the reasons that my coachee was thinking of going back, was because she still loved her, abusive relationship. She was trying to get someone else to agree with her.
So I asked her “Do you still love this man?” And she said yes.
Then I allowed her to become aware of what her brain was doing. It was, stuck, in repeat.
I told her that because she still loved this man, she is using the situation of her sister’s lack as the reason to return.
I asked her “Do you think your sister would want you to go back to that situation and maybe end up dead”? She said “no.”
I said think about it. What exactly are you taking from your sister? Space. Space doesn’t cost them anything.
I asked her if she had any money?
She said “yes.” So I said, use that money to buy food for you and your daughter so you can feel better about being a charity case.
.
After we got past the, negative emotions, we were then able to plan for the future to , get unstuck.

You can’t plan and have hope when you are busy wallowing in, negative energy, and self-pity of, being stuck.

I asked her about job prospects and she told me she had an interview scheduled for the next day.
That my friends is the First secret to, get unstuck.

1: Hope and Faith are important to getting unstuck 

Faith, that God can make a way out of no way.

Faith, that even though you can’t see the entire stairway you know that the stairs are there.

The message of, faith, in this story is that you can’t think that God intended for you to live in an, abusive relationship,  being dependent on an abusive man for your survival. You have to be able to get out of the valley, get unstuck, and see the light of the mountain top. You have to know in your heart that you were meant to be more. You have to want more for your children.

Once you find that, positive energy, things will begin to open up. Opportunities will come your way, God will open doors shut by the devil and your negative emotions.

My coachee got the job we are moving in the direction to, get unstuck.
She now lives in Atlanta and she is happy!
The devil is a liar, don’t let him convince you that you are, stuck.

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Deezer Transform Your Mind Podcast

2: Another way to get unstuck is to move the energy around.

The universe is made up of energy. We are a bundle of energy.
When you have, stuck, energy it causes disease.
So you have to force yourself to get off the couch, you have to do something, anything.
Do it until you feel like doing it. Do the things you don’t feel like doing until you feel like doing it!

Another client of mine got fired from his job so he sat around all day with his hurt feelings.
Blaming his boss and all his friends who did not support him.

You have to get over disappointment and hurt so you can get on with it.
Don’t let tragedy destroy you and keep you, stuck.
Don’t stop, continue to stay busy.
Continue to work your plan take small steps if you can’t take big steps
Automatic negative thoughts don’t take any effort on your part they come naturally like weeds in your garden.
But if you want to grow roses or orchids in your garden it takes special effort and a process.

Similarly, being stuck,  on something someone did to you is natural.
Feeling angry when your kids are ungrateful for the sacrifices you made for them is natural.
Being fired after working at your job for 10 years, never taking time off for your kid’s soccer matches or dance recitals is natural.
Feeling vengeful at the betrayal of your spouse is natural.

It is natural to be angry, hurt, disappointed, vengeful; but it is important not to stay there.

It is important to, get unstuck, remove , negative emotions. You have to get over them and move on.

3: Seek the council of others when you feel Stuck

What my friend on LinkedIn did was good. She contacted a, life coach. She received council and got a fresh perspective.
Even if she not heed my advice, she still moved the energy by doing something.

One way to do this is to memorize and recite the, serenity prayer, several times per day

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the first things they taught us in coaching school is that you can’t coach someone that is not in front of you. Why was this important? Because most coachees will come into the coaching conversation complaining that their life is a mess because of the actions of someone else. The only person that you can change is yourself. You have no control over the behavior of anyone other than yourself.

4: Another way is to find peace with the situation if you can’t or won’t move right now.

I remember a sermon I heard from my first Pastor. He said whenever he felt like complaining about his wife he would pray and ask God to change him!

So for example if you are, stuck, in order to, get unstuck, you have to become aware of your thoughts. Change the way you look at the bad things he or she does. If he or she talks to you with disrespect. You can tell yourself it is not personal, that he or she speaks to everyone like that because he doesn’t know any better.

If he only talks to you with disrespect you can tell yourself that he doesn’t know you and let his words not penetrate your consciousness. He can talk but you do not hear or transfer the words. It becomes just noise.

This is a simple example but it works to, get unstuck. This is also called the Law of Allowing. It especially works in intimate relationships.
When you stop resisting and allow your partner the freedom to self-express, you open up the path towards healing the brokenness and allow the relationship to become healthy.

Concentrate only on what you are doing and saying. Stop reacting to stimuli and watch what happens.

5: Another technique is to notice when you are stuck and distract yourself

  • Come back to the problem later
  • Write out options and solutions
  • Write out the worrying situation
  • Write what you can do about it
  • Write what you cannot control about it.

6: Most importantly are your thoughts. Whether you are stuck or not, your thinking makes it so.

The thoughts that matter most are your self-thoughts.
It is never the situation that causes you to be, stuck, but your thoughts and feelings about the situation that makes you feel stuck.

Your thoughts influence your emotions, so to, get unstuck, think differently, and you will feel differently.

Sometimes, how you think someone should respond to you, blocks your blessings. If you move yourself and your ego out of the way.
Then maybe God can give you what he has in store for you.

Look at the bible story of Naaman. Naaman was angry because the profit did not come out and greet him and bow down to him when he came to him to heal his leprosy. Instead the profit Elisha sent a messenger out to tell Naaman to go wash himself in the river Jordon seven times and he will be restored. . Naaman went away angry because he felt disrespected. But he was smart enough to accept council from one of his servants. The servant told him he had nothing to loose by following the instructions of the profit. The servant was able to see the frame around the picture. Naaman could not. He could only see the situation that was making him mad. He decided to follow the profit’s instructions.
He went and dipped himself in the river Jordon seven times and he came out perfect and clean!.

Naaman almost missed his blessing by reacting to what he considered disrespect.

Some of you are, stuck, because of poisonous thinking.
Your thoughts can poison your spirit, and then you never see positive only negative.

As Neapolitan Hill said

As a man thinking so is he.

Shakespeare puts it another way

“Nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”

7: You have to know yourself to grow yourself

You have to know where your pattern started.
You have to make the connection between your old story and your current circumstances

Eg. If your mother gave you up for adoption and your feeling of abandonment are keeping you stuck in Low self-esteem,
you should become aware that your past has nothing to do with your future.

You know better, that you are not your mom and she had her reasons.
The deeper truth is that you are responsible for your life and not what someone did to you.
You have to shift and take responsibility, you have to know that you keep getting into these situations because of your lack of self-esteem or because of your need for security.
Awareness is key. Once again, a coach can help if you can look at your patterns objectively.

What are you blaming?
What is your pattern? What is the evidence of your pattern?

I had a coaching client who had 3 failed marriages where the men stole from her.
We had to find her pattern and why she kept attracting and falling in love with the same type of man.

We discovered that she loved how her dad took care of her mom and paid all the bills, so she kept looking for that trait in a man.
She ended up getting the opposite.

Use your negative energy to get unstuck

Did you know that nothing exists without its opposite?
You can’t know light without knowing darkness.
In order to know if something is good you first have to experience bad!

She had to learn to create a new pattern.
She had to go inside and use her feminine power of intuition to pick a mate.
She had to listen to her inner desire and not the outer desire for material pleasures.
When she did that she shifted her pattern and created a new one.
Now she is in the best relationship of her life.

She tells me that she has touched the moon and it feels so good!

To read about my personal journey of getting Unstuck, pick up a copy of my book
” Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement”
Adobe Photoshop PDF

Out of the Snares

Additional Resources

How to Heal Your Brokenness

How to be Happy with Less