Resilience: How To Bounce Back When Life Knocks You Down

Resilience: How To Bounce Back

After being orphaned at a young age, Dr Neeta Bhushan developed resilience.  If you look up the word resilience, the literal definition is to, bounce back. The bounce factor, is your ability to, bounce back, and be resilient when life knocks you down. A glass that holds water is tough, it's strong, it holds things together, but if let that glass go, it’s going to shatter into a million pieces.

On the other hand, if I have a basketball, it has a little give and if I let it go, it will,  bounce back. So we also need a little give.  We can’t be rigid.  Like the glass if we are rigid then we shatter into a million pieces when we fall. The, bounce factor, is how we become strong and soft at the same time. That is how we, get back up, when life knocks us down.

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Bio

Dr. Neeta Bhushan is a cosmetic dentist turned three-time international best-selling author and world-renowned emotional health advocate. She is also the founder of Global GRIT Institute, a wellness education platform for optimizing wellbeing, and cofounder of Dharma Coaching Institute, a coaching organization training coaches to become the highest versions of themselves. Neeta has shared her thought leadership on grit and, resilience, on international stages and as the host of her popular podcast, The Brave Table.

After realizing how trapped she felt running the million-dollar dental practice she built, Neeta embarked on a journey that led her across 45 countries as she researched blending the intersection of human behavior, ancient wisdom, Eastern philosophy, and therapeutic psychology. That knowledge, along with other life experiences overcoming multiple adversities, which include being orphaned at a young age, surviving an abusive marriage, and extensive loss, contributed to the powerful message of resilience she shares in this book. Neeta is a mother of two, and currently lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband and children. Visit her on the web www.neetabhushan.com

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What is Resilience

Myrna: What is your, bounce back, story?

Dr Neeta: I lost my mom at 10 years old and then my brother a year later, then my dad a few years later. I really didn’t deal with the grief until I was in my 20’s.  I didn't really go through the feelings of the loss of my mom, my dad, my brother, I was in survival mode.  I just became resilient. I'm like, Okay, we gotta get out of this tunnel. And so getting into my 20s I had all my coping mechanisms on full blast. My coping mechanisms was that I stayed in relationships for too long. Especially romantic ones that didn't really serve me, because I was afraid of being alone. I was trying to fill that void of loss with someone, anyone.

And I think a lot of times, we do something because it is so painful to go into that void. It's so uncomfortable to feel those feelings, so we self-medicate with people, sex, drugs, food etc. Today we have the greatest dopamine device ever, our smartphones. All we have to do if we're having a bad day, is to swipe, or scroll and we feel better. We don't have to feel it anymore. Or we go home and turn on the TV and we can Netflix all night. These are all activities to stop us from feeling. I did this for years, staying in bad relationships because I didn’t want to feel lonely until my life was in danger and I had to go.

I'm was waking up and this is what I call, flying forward,  in my book. That process of, flying forward, after a life situation makes you choose instead of being knocked down, you fly forward.  Denzel Washington called it, falling forward. If you have a fall, it could be a literal fall, or metaphorical fall. I teach you how to, get back up, and, fall forward.

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Resilience:  the ignited stage

Sometimes we are ignited by someone crossing a boundary. In my case, I was not safe.  I feared for my life. I was ignited, I had to go.  When you're in so much of that pain that you start letting people in. When the shame is overshadowed by desire to be safe.

I was so ashamed because I grew up with immigrant parents from India and the Philippines. Divorce is a taboo and so it took so much courage and bravery to leave that marriage. You can also get ignited if you have that medical diagnosis or if your child is sick, you just lost a job or maybe you're just not feeling in that right mindset anymore. You've lost it, whatever that was you lost it. There is now a trigger. That says nope, you got to do this.

And that's the ignition and for me the ignition was I'm leaving, packing my bags and asking for help by telling my aunts and grandmother, the matriarchs that supported me that I was actually in this situation. I was a cosmetic dentist at the time and I remember going into that practice that day and saying, I need support. I cannot do this alone. I don't know if I can keep his office open because right now, I'm going through the darkest time of my life.

This was the first time in my life that I could actually focus on breathing, that I could actually say the 3 words that saved my life. “I need help.” And I think you know a lot of us go through these stages and times in life where things can get really big. But you always have those three words. “I need help.”

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Flying forward after rock bottom

Myrna: You mentioned your immigrant parents and I'm not quite sure whether it's an immigrant thing that we have a problem asking for help. But I am from Guyana and I have a very hard time asking for help myself. I always think that, I can do things on my own.  So, I'm glad that you were able to put that aside maybe because you were at the rock bottom. And you asked for help and that is great. You mentioned, flying forward. You talk about the, flying forward, framework. What is that?

Dr Neeta: Stage one is, when you when you have that breakup, when you have that fall when you go through a loss when you maybe get sick yourself, when you have financial troubles. You look at your bank account and you're like, how did I get here? And you have to make a decision, and then we get into that ignition phase where it's like, are you going to stay? Are you going to go? Are you going to keep doing the same thing? Are you going to ask for help. Are you going to, say you know what? I am going to book a session with my healer, my therapist, my coach, I'm going to sign up for that training because I said I wanted to lose the 20 pounds and I can't take it anymore. This is where the ignition is.

This is where that fire is lit under our bellies. And we're like, okay, we're going to do something completely different. That's scary. That's uncomfortable because I don't want to go back to that reality, that reality is painful. And I'm going to step forward so it's kind of like we get into them.

Stage three which is the phoenix rising from the ashes. We're actually asking a different question.

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Resilience: Rising from the Ashes

We're actually saying, Okay, well, this is uncomfortable. This is messy. It's not perfect. This is a chaotic, and I can't explain it right now, but I'm feeling a little light and feeling that because I am in this mess.  I am rising like the Phoenix Rising, I'm leaning into things that are uncomfortable, so maybe it's being imperfect. Maybe it's saying yes to a new hobby, saying yes to something that really scares you that you've been putting off. Maybe it's saying yes to going to the gym with a trainer.

Or we're or sitting in a time of the suck where it does actually suck and you're okay with feeling the uncomfortable feelings there because you've been suppressing it for far too long. And that's happened in my case where I said, I don't even care anymore. There was uncontrollable crying and heaving. Scientifically, the cry signifies us getting closer to ourselves, and most of us are so afraid. Right? And it's and we're in and it releases our tears released the cortisol, it's releasing the stress that we're holding.

So that the Phoenix  rising stage and when we get into the Magnify stage,.

The Magnify stage is, I'm in full acceptance. I'm in full acceptance of my reality right now. I have this new confidence that you know, maybe I am starting to go on dates or maybe I am starting to invest in this thing. Or maybe I am starting to get better at public speaking or whatever the thing is that I want to be able to transform my life with and then we get into thriving.

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Bounce back to Thriving

Thriving means that you know, it doesn't mean that we're immune to falling again, because it's a cyclical cycle, right? We are going to have things that challenge us. But thriving just means that now you have things that are built into you that check in with your boundaries. You know, check in with people that support you. I call them my SSP, our sole support policy, and in our sole support policy.

It could be one or two friends, maybe it's family members you mentioned your amazing parents. Oh my God, it's amazing that to have people in your life that you can actually lean in on that can hold that space and be present with, who could say I got you don't worry about this.  Thriving also means that you have your personal check in. I call it our POC, your personal observational check in to see how am I actually doing? Do I really want to go to that thing this weekend? Or am I doing it because I'm obliged to somebody else? Can I say no?  What will that mean? So, we redefined our boundaries to work for us.

Myrna: Yes, I love that. So, I understand the question now, flying forward is moving from that stuck position and going through the stages to get to thriving. The very first stage is making the decision to do something about it. Your story is your, resilience, and that is why you founded The Global Grit Institute. So it's almost like that your story helped to build your purpose.  So, let's talk now about the, resilience, because you talk about something that's called the, bounce factor, to build an increase your, resilience. How do you teach your clients to build this, resilience?

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Resilience is not mental toughness

Dr Neeta: Yeah, well, so for those listeners who have ever been taught about, resiliency, or, resilience, we think mental toughness, we think we have to be strong. In fact, when I was growing up, my parents and my dad specifically, he was from India. And he would say, Neeta, you're so strong. You're so strong, and I would hear this over and over and over again. And I think that as parents now that I have my own children, I questioned myself whether or not I want to even share that with them because that's also implying that they also can't be soft, that they also can't have compassion for themselves.

When we look at the root of the word, resilience, the root of the word comes from Latin, of course, and it's resilient, which means the literal definition is to bounce to, bounce back. And so, if I were to take a glass of water, you would say, well, Neeta that glass is tough, it's strong, it holds things together, but if I actually let that piece of glass go, it’s going to shatter into a million pieces. Right?

On the other hand, if I have a basketball, it has a little give and if I let it go, it bounces back. So we also need a little give.  We can’t be rigid.  Like the glass if we are rigid then we shatter into a million pieces when we fall. The bounce factor is how we get back up when life knocks us down.

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Why we need good stress

We can look at our current environment and ask, are we invoking what I call, good stress? What is that, good stress, barometer?  You're probably asking, why would you want, good stress in your life? Well, good stress, can look like leaning into and exploring your edges, exploring what is comfortable for you. And what is maybe a little bit out of your comfort zone.

I'm saying let's go into out of our comfort zone. I'm not saying let's jump out of a plane tomorrow, but maybe, you know, you want to improve your health. And maybe the edge of your comfort zone is walking a mile a day, walking more than 10 minutes maybe the edge of your comfort zone is not eating unhealthy sweets, replacing it with something else. Or maybe the edge of your comfort zone is going, meatless on Mondays or no carbs on Thursdays.

Myrna: Yeah. Wow. The, bounce factor, is the process to help people cope with their setbacks and challenges after their sucky moments? I love that word. Sucky moments.

Book: That Sucked Now What
Book: That Sucked Now What

That Sucked: Now What

Dr Neeta: There's three parts of the book “That Sucked: Now What.” The first part is that magical moment what you realize that this sucks, we've talked about so many different types of sucks. And, that's kind of where the book starts where it's, gosh, that sucked, I can't control what happened, but we can actually be in a space of vulnerability to say, how am I feeling right now? I am feeling really X, Y, Z, fill in that blank and giving yourself pause to say, oh, yeah, this really hurts or I'm feeling really sad right now. I'm feeling really frustrated right now. And many times, when we go through a second sucky moment, we often let our brains want to gloss over it.

But what we really want to do is we really want to give ourselves the awareness and the space to actually say out loud and identify the feeling that we are actually feeling because most of the times, we're ruminating in our head, we're getting really upset. We have our physical attributes where you know, we clench our fist or we clench our jaws. Or we raise our shoulders up, and that's when we need a little give to bounce.

So, part two of the book is when we get into the, bounce factor, and as we've already kind of illustrated, there are four pillars of your, bounce factor. And then we get into part three of how we, fly forward, once we've strengthened our, bounce factor, and how we, fly forward, pass any stuck that we come across.

As I mentioned we have:

  • igniting stage
  • the rising stage,
  • the magnifying stage,
  • and the thriving stage

Conclusion

And that's how you know the book is arranged. At the back of each chapter of the book I have a resources section.  If you when you go to www.thatsucksnowwhat.com, you can pick up a copy of the 44 page color coded guide on how to do this with your kids, with your families with your team members. And it's just a great resource to see how we're actually processing.

Myrna: So that's amazing. All right.

Dr Neeta: The book is a big culmination of all of the low points of my life from all of the, sucky moments, right? That's why the subtitle is called, how to embrace the magic and the mass and the joy and chaos.

Myrna: And what do you want the readers walk away with after they put down your book?

Dr Neeta: I think to give yourself permission to suck, life doesn't have to be perfect.

I also have a podcast called “The Brave Table” where we drop episodes twice a week on how to be brave in your life and your actions as well.

Myrna: How can we connect on social media?

Dr Neeta: Yes, I am @NeetaBhushan Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn.

 

Additional Resources

How Does Emotional Intelligence Affect your Success In Life

The Effects of Criticism in Marriages

Criticism kills marriages

The number one thing that ruins a, marital relationship, or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, or your customers.  Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.

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Why Criticism kills marriages

We have all heard that men want respect and women are emotional creatures, needing love and affection. So, that means if a man wants to improve his, marital relationship, he needs to show his wife love and affection and if a woman wants to improve her marriage, she must show respect, right? So why does, criticism, kill marriages?

You are probably saying to yourself, that is some messed up advice.  By wait here is the reason.

Studies show that no one ever does anything they feel is wrong, so it does you no good to point it out.

The verb in the sentence is the important word. Feel.
Put another way, whatever we perceive is our reality.
99.9 percent of men and women can justify to themselves or anyone who would listen, any action or none action, they have taken.

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Two-Gun Crowley a kind killer

On May 7 1931 New York City witnessed the most sensational manhunt the city had ever known to this point. After weeks on the loose “Two-Gun” Crowley, the killer, was trapped in an apartment on West End Avenue.

One hundred and fifty police officers and detectives laid siege to his top floor hideaway. For hours the residential sections reverberated with the rat-tat-tat of gun fire from the police and Two-Gun Crowley.

While Crowley lay bleeding from his gunshot wounds, he penned a note that read “To whom it may concern. Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one, one that would do nobody no harm”
If you had never heard this story before, you may be thinking that the police had the wrong man; but no. Crowley was the same man who was necking with his girl on a country road on Long Island when a police officer walked up to the parked car and asked him to show his license.

Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the police officer down with a shower of bullets. As the officer lay dying on the ground, he jumped out of the car grabbed the officer’s gun and fired another round of bullets into the prostrate body. That was the killer who wrote “under my coat is a weary, but kind heart. One that would do nobody any harm.”

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curiocaster podcast
We all see ourselves differently from others.

This is an extreme story, but I have experienced many people like Crowley in my own experience; from kids who steal, to spouses who cheat, to murderers who kill, nobody feels they have done anything wrong. So don't bother pointing it out to them expecting them to feel guilt. This goes a long way to, improve your marital relationships.

Even if they admit to wrongdoing, someone made them do it, they find some way to justify their actions. This phenomenon is glaringly evident on death row. Most of the prisoners on death row feel they have been victimized regardless of how heinous the crime. They are all innocent.

The #1 thing women can do to improve their relationships, is Don't criticize!

Criticism, does no good. It does nothing.
Criticism, is futile, because it puts a man on the defensive, wounds his pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment, so don't bother.
Instead make yourself perfect. The only person you can change is you anyway.
Jesus taught us this when he said “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? No one is perfect.

That is not to say that your brother has no speck or has done no wrong, but we are only responsible for what we do. We have no power to control others. And, criticism, does nothing to, improve, marital relationships.

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RadioPublic Transform your mind

What exactly is criticism?

Couples often have a difficult time distinguishing between, criticism, and voicing a complaint. Criticism, can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. Couples fear that if they agree to stop, criticism, they won’t be able to have a conversation about failed agreements or promises.

For example, let’s say your partner throws his/her clothes and towels on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper. If you attack your partner by saying, “why are you so nasty? You have this place in a mess. You never clean-up after yourself,” that is, criticism. If instead you say, I would really appreciate it if you would put your clothes in the hamper, that is voicing a complaint.

Criticism, is an attack on your partner’s character. Calling your partner nasty or pointing out negative personality flaws is, criticism, because you are criticizing your partner as a whole person. In contrast, if you voice a complaint, and focus on specific action or behavior, and ask for a different action or behavior, that is different from, criticism.

Let’s look at another example. Women are always complaining about quality time and no affection from their man.  If you say “You are not marriage material, you don’t know how to love a woman” That is criticism, if you say instead “I love your hands around me, I could use a hug,” that is saying the same thing in a different way. So, when I say don’t criticize, I don’t mean become deaf and mute. It is always better to communicate how you feel.

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Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm

Criticism affects intimacy

One might think that the last person we’d want to say hurtful things to would be your marriage partner, the one you love. When we criticize it affects, Intimacy, because the wounded partner wants nothing to do with you. We are hard wired to focus on negative aspects instead of the positive aspects of our partners. We would focus on the clothes all over the floor and a filthy bathroom sink and not on the fact that our husband worked a full week, paid all the bills and rubbed our feet.

This is called a “negative bias”. Our brain is built to automatically place more weight on unpleasant news or nastiness. That is why the news is so negative, it sells more papers or gets more ratings.  Negative bias, kicks in automatically at the earliest stages of processing information. As a result, our attitudes are more heavily influenced by downbeat news than good news. That is why the constant, criticism, by a spouse tips the balance of a relationship from mundane to miserable?

The bible says “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” It clearly states that it is better to live on the roof than with a nagging wife and most husbands experiencing this situation would agree.

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Listen Notes Transform Your Mind

How to protect yourself from criticism

“How does a person survive constant, criticism, in a, marriage relationship?

People adapt to a partner’s constant, criticism, by employing various survival tactics, such as:

Self-protection

If the woman is critical, then the man goes into his man cave. It could be a physical room, or he withdraws and stops communication. If the man is the critical one the woman also withdraws, and her self-esteem is deflated. Some develop an intensely defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. Others hide their “authentic selves” as a protective mechanism, letting out only the part stamped “partner approved”. They become a pleaser. They may feel the need to shrink their personality to avoid criticism which can result in loss of self.

Distancing.

To fend off, criticism, in a, marriage relationship, a partner surrounds him/herself with a safe buffer zone from which he/she responds politely as if from afar. Friends, work, children, exercise, social media, television, books, and newspapers can serve as buffers. We all know the spouse who is never home, always finds things to do outside the home.  That is distancing.

Withdrawal

A criticized partner withdraws and becomes emotionally unavailable. He/she preserves the “self” by building a wall to keep the critical partner away. He/she refuses to engage or react when criticized. Instead, he/she takes it and most likely adds another brick in the wall of resentment each time they are attacked, belittled, or berated.

Substance Abuse

Another common reaction to, criticism, in a, marital relationship, is, substance abuse. To survive emotionally, the criticized partner numbs the pain of engaging with his/her partner. Substance abuse, as a, coping mechanism, usually leads to further deterioration of the, marital relationship, as well as a host of other serious problems.

How to stop yourself from criticizing your partner

If you feel the impulse to criticize here are a few tips to stop yourself

  • Count to 10. Breathe, bite your tongue, wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time you feel the impulse to, criticize.
  • Do whatever it takes to do to stop finding fault, belittling, reproaching, nit-picking, cutting down, or chastising your partner.
  • Decide the kind of person you want to be and how you want to show up in your relationship.
  • Work at accepting your partner, even his/her annoying traits, harmless bad habits, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.
  • Resign yourself to the fact that you will not change your partner. I repeat: Criticism, will not change your partner.
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Podmust Transform Your Mind podcast

The Effects of Criticism on Relationships

Here is some research on the, effects of criticism on relationships.

Here is a marriage story

Dr Julie said she had the good pleasure of counseling a woman who simply had to be the world's greatest criticizer. I have to admit that I was in awe at her absolute hard-core ability to criticize. I can remember sitting back and thinking, “Wow, this lady could win some kind of award – she is amazing!” Her husband was a pot smoker and there was nothing good she could say about him – from the way he chewed his food, to his driving, or the way he snored at night. I counselled her to change her criticism to requests. In time she became one of the world's greatest requesters.

One Mother's Day (instead of criticizing) she composed a Wish List for her husband. It started with something like this – “Dear Husband, if you would like to have an immensely happy wife this Mother's Day you can do so by getting me one of the following…” She listed about eight items each with a box to check next to the items she desired. Much to her surprise she received several things off the list (not just one!). She promptly rewarded her husband by telling him how happy she was and gave him a huge, heartfelt hug. Her husband began to learn that he could actually make his wife happy. This took a long time because he had come to believe that there was nothing that he could say or do that would ever please her.

So, what happened with this, marriage? In spite of the fact that she became an excellent requester, her husband would not give up his pot and she really struggled with staying married to him. She was lonely and the kids had an absent father. After much debate and prayer, she decided to stay. She would love this man with his addiction. Years later her husband’s heart was won over to Christ and he stopped, smoking pot. The world's greatest criticizer became the world's most grateful wife. That is why you must give it to God.  Only God can change man.

Drs. John & Julie Gottman are therapists who have done the most research on the, effects of criticism on relationships. The two are famous for their “love lab,” in which hundreds of couples were screened, interviewed and observed over the course of two decades. As a result of their research the Gottman’s could predict in less than five minutes, with 90 percent accuracy, if a couple was going to stay together or divorce.

They came up with a metaphor to describe four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. They termed them “The Four Horsemen” — a phrase coined after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the New Testament, depicting the end of time.

  1. Criticism
  2. Contempt
  3. Defensiveness
  4. Stonewalling

Criticism leads to contempt

The main problem with, criticism, is that it can pave the way for the worst of the horsemen — contempt.

Contempt, is about holding your partner in a negative light without giving them the benefit of the doubt. The contemptuous partner is usually attacking from a place of superiority. This can send their partner the message that they are not liked, appreciated, understood or respected. This does little to create a safe, secure and trusting bond in the relationship.

Treating your partner with, contempt, is the single greatest predictor of divorce, according to Dr. Gottman’s work. It is by far the most destructive of the, four communication styles.

Contempt, and relentless, criticism, put a couple at war with each other. This is the opposite of the couple bubble. Smart partners who want to create a strong and happy relationship need to do all that they can to preserve and foster a strong couple bubble.

In this model, criticism, is seen as part of what’s called “the negative cycle.” The negative cycle is an interaction cycle between two people that, when left unchecked, can create an enormous amount of distance and disconnection in a relationship.

All relationships have some conflict and disappointments. This is actually healthy. Conflicts and disappointments don’t have to destroy a relationship. It is how the couple handles them that matters.

You should never marry or move in with someone until you have had your first fight.  It is important to know how someone fights. Do they call you nasty names when you fight? Do you hit below the belt by throwing in your face things they know that hurt you? Do they refuse to engage and walk away? Or do you sit down and talk it out everyone voicing their opinion and having a fair hearing?

Conclusion

So, let’s circle back to our topic. The number one thing that ruins a marital relationship or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, your customers.  Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.

Thanks to tuning into this week’s episode of Transformation Friday, I appreciate your time and hope I deliver value.  Until next time Namaste

Additional Resources 

In a Unhealthy Relationship? Should you Stay or Go.

Relationship Reset: Spiritual Healing For Couples

Spiritual Healing for couples

Spiritual healing, for couples helps them to unblock their, chakras, by moving the energy away. And once they move the energy away, they're lighter, and then they can go on to have, healthy relationships. 

My guest today is Brianna Colette, Brianna is an, intuitive, relationship healer and, soulmate medium, who helps guide her clients to connect with their inner self in order to focus more on a higher sense of, self love, as a means to grow stronger connections and relationships. Thus ultimately leading them to finding and experiencing the most preeminent of bonds: soulmate love.

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Bio

  • Brianna is an, intuitive, relationship healer and, soulmate medium, who helps guide her clients connect with their inner self in order to focus more on a higher sense of, self love, as a means to grow stronger connections and relationships. Thus ultimately leading them to finding and experiencing the most preeminent of bonds: soulmate love. She is NLP Certified, a Karuna Reiki Master, and a certified Sound Healer Practitioner who really has a way of connecting with people.
  • Examining her clients' old belief systems allows Brianna to focus on any client’s possible wounds from childhood, inherited family dynamics, or fear surrounding vulnerability. Once Brianna examines their past, she helps her clients make peace with old wounds and break free from any self-sabotaging toxic patterns, guiding them on how to release fear and create the right conditions for a higher frequency of love.

Myrna: What was your journey to becoming an, intuitive, relationship healer? 

Brianna: Thank you for that beautiful introduction, by the way, like, of course I live in this work every day and to hear someone else put it so beautifully and poetically into such a fabulous intro was like, very humbling. I'm like, yeah. So thank you, that was great. Well, as you can imagine, um, you know, I was not always in this work, like most people, like most of my clients, I wasn't given this template.

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Becoming a Reiki Master

I wasn't given this handbook for having a really healthy, dynamic relationship, I had to go through the bumps and the bruises and the mistakes, and really try to heal myself.  I have a really interesting story, as most people do, who kind of step into the, healing intuitive, work. I witnessed a really violent murder. It was a murder of a family member. They were my next door neighbors. And I say I was there at the right place at the right time, because I was able to save some people's lives that night. 

It was one of those things that you can't prepare for to become a, spiritual healer. It's one of those things that is a life altering event and changes who you are as a person. As you can imagine, after witnessing something like that, I struggled with, PTSD. I struggled with, depression, and, suicidal thoughts. That experience really tested all of my, coping mechanisms.  

Taking a vacation to try to relieve stress or even, going out with girlfriends for some dinner and drinks. Those types of things no longer worked for me anymore. And so as I felt my, mental health, starting to degrade, I started to feel like I was slipping. It is the best way I can kind of describe your, mental health, when you don't know that it's happening. 

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Western therapy did not heal

I did a lot of traditional Western versions of therapy which is what led me into all these different modalities that I now am certified in and offer to other people. I immediately felt the shift within, I started to not only have a logical understanding of why things were happening, or how things from my past were affecting me, presently, I started to really embody that change, and I started to feel better my, spiritual healing, had started. 

And so through that process of, spiritual healing, as you can imagine, the things that used to hold an attraction for me, my old business, my old life held no interest. I felt a calling into, spiritual healing, and, intuitive, work. I surrendered into it and have been guided and led to help others to heal themselves and to really get to a place of, inner peace, and contentment and connection within, relationships.

Myrna: That's awesome. I guess that takes me down the path of the, Karuna Reiki master. How did you stumble onto that? You said you went to Western therapies. Did you actually have a, reiki, session and loved it or are you just graduated towards that?

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Using Reiki to Heal childhood wounds

Brianna: I was at rock bottom, I was grasping at anything. If someone suggested it, I was like, sure, I'll try acupuncture. Sure, I'll try EMDR, I was really willing and open to anything on that journey, and I knew somebody who practiced, Reiki, and I had sessions with her. And of course, it was a different kind of, spiritual healing, that I had experienced. I mean, I've been going to traditional talk therapy since I was nine years old. 

I was looking for something a little bit different and I had a lot of my, trauma, and a lot of the things that I've been holding on to for a really long time. Reiki, really helped me to break through. And so of course, I was like, I, when I healed myself, it was a good place, I have to learn how to do this. 

What exactly is, Reiki? 

Myrna: Reiki, is a Japanese holistic practice of connecting your, chakras, and using energy work. It's energy healing, And a lot of people who are familiar with depression, would say  depression hurts. There's obviously a physical manifestation in the body of when our emotions cause us pain. We've all felt anxiety, those knots in our stomach, or fear in our chest where we can't breathe, so there's a physical, physiological response to emotional pain.

 What, Reiki, does is a way of connecting into the emotional connection within the body, each of our, chakra, and throughout our entire physical body hold onto memories, they hold on to experiences, we hold it in our bodies. And so, Reiki, helps us to get rid kind of  these emotions that are painful, and helps us to release them. The physical reality of having, Reiki, done on you is you really feel lighter afterwards, emotions not weighing on you so heavy.

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Chakra meditation

Myrna: I do, chakra meditation, myself so I'm very aware of, chakras. But one of the things that most stands out to me when I learn about the, chakra system, is that they're seeing that if you've got a blockage in your, chakra, that's where disease starts. So when you do the, Reiki healing, do you move the blocked energy? Or are you just dealing with emotions? 

Brianna: They're all connected. Okay. And if you think about it, right, from a scientific standpoint, we're cells that are vibrating, right? We're all just energy bouncing around. And when we, feel at peace, you kind of feel really grounded and in alignment. When you feel stressed or worried about something you kind of feel off, right? You feel off balance, you don't feel like you're the highest version of yourself. 

When we have energetic blockages energy is stuck in the, chakras, which are our energy computer.  Energy stuck in your, root chakra, usually deals shows up as fear, or it can it show up in your solar plexus, as creativity. So each, chakra, has different pinpoints or different foundational bases. 

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Using Reiki to clear the chakra system

When we do have a blockage and one of those, chakras, it usually is related to something on an emotional level, because we are emotional, human beings that have that need for connection. And so usually, yes, you can relate back a blockage to an emotional issue that's happening in your life.

Myrna: So blocked energy starts as emotional, and then disease follows. All right. So I understand. I had a few interviews on the show about, Reiki, and of course, almost all my guests talked about the, chakras.  So you have migrated your specialty to, you call it a, soulmate medium, which is what I love. But also what you're doing is you're helping people heal from their childhood wounds that are actually physically manifesting in their bodies. 

Brianna: For me, personally, I was really searching all the time for love. And I was really putting myself in, unhealthy relationships, when the murder happened. A few weeks later I was dumped by my then boyfriend, I was having a really hard go of it. completion, I was searching for solace, or love and happiness everywhere else outside of myself as well as, spiritual healing. And through that process of, spiritual healing, I started to realize what it is that I need to look at within myself. 

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Spiritual Healing for Couples

I was able to heal myself and transmute the, trauma, and step into this place of like, oh, so this is what it takes to get here. This is what I needed to heal to be able to experience this. And I just felt really passionate that Like, I wish that someone had explained this to me, or shown me how to heal this because I spent so much, so many broken hearts, so much energy, so much time trying to figure it out. And so that's what really called me into this kind of work. 

Myrna: Alright, so that explains why you became a, soulmate medium. But what I was talking about is still connecting the, chakras, to past wounds. I loved your statement, 

We are healed from the scars and not the wounds. 

So you help them to unblock their, chakras, by moving the energy away. And once they move the energy away, they're lighter, and then they can go on to have, healthy relationships. 

Healing Childhood wounds

Brianna: It's like we kind of, we have the ability to create whatever it is that we want in life. But unfortunately, a lot of our blocks are limitations that we perceive. And for me, my, my work is about asking what are the templates that you received in childhood? What was normalized for you in relationships? Did you grow up in a household where yelling at each other was something that was just normal, right? Or did you grow up in a household where being emotionally distant was something that was just you know, status quo?

Did you grow up in a home as a child, where you took on the responsibility of worrying about everybody else, except for yourself? Because there was chaos, you know, so these types of foundational experiences when we're young shape our belief systems, about the kind of relationships that we're having into adulthood. And for me, and in my personal experience, and experience with so many clients, when we can heal and unlock the things that are maybe not so healthy, or are limiting us and our belief systems or behaviors, we can unlock and heal and really learn?

Oh, this is actually the better way to show up. Oh, this is actually what's healthier for me. These are the types of partners that actually give me what I'm looking for versus recreating the same like, you know, what is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again. This is how we change the dynamics of our life in our, relationship.

What is a soulmate medium

Alright, so now this is my question that I wanted to ask, soulmate medium? Also what is the definition of a, soulmate?

Brianna: A lot of people don't even aren't familiar with what the term, medium means. Oftentimes, what people perceive when they hear the word, medium, they think, psychic. That is not completely different psychics and, mediums, are not the same thing. A medium  is somebody who is a channel, I have the ability and have learned how to channel, intuition.

We all have that kind of like inner knowingness that's called clear sentient, where you can feel things . And that's what, intuition, is. So obviously a, medium, can feel things and experience things on various levels, whether you can like hear the you can hear you can receive messages. For me personally, the way that I work with clients when I say, soulmate medium, is I can help to intuitively connect into what they are feeling.

I can help people to see the blind spots. Sometimes we insulate ourselves from the truth. Sometimes we might be in denial about things. Sometimes there's a cognitive, right, we've isolated ourselves because it's too painful to deal with the brain is really intelligent that way, it compartmentalizes things and we can't even see ourselves clearly.

So what I say is in terms of a, soulmate medium, I can intuitively tap into what is really going on underneath the surface that we need to heal. We need to connect into to elevate and upgrade out of so that you can experience this higher frequency this higher soulmate energy of love. And I do a lot of work explaining to people what even a, soulmate, is. But ultimately, being able to connect into getting people out of behaviors that are there, they're settling, or they are caught in patterns of dysfunction, which is the antithesis of what a, soulmate, is.

Spiritual healing from past trauma

All right. So I'm listening very intently. So what I got out of that is that someone comes to you broken because of past trauma, past relationships, you're able to intuitively help them to see there to see what the dysfunction is. And then once they are operating, that's the full throttle for a different word, then you they will be able to attract their, soulmate. Is that correct? 

Brianna: Oftentimes with clients, I see a lot of my unhealed broken parts are attracted to your unhealed broken parts, you know, and that's where we get a lot of compounding happening, right? We attract what we are. And so I help clients to leave behind that old version of where they're playing small, where we're accepting less than we deserve, where we are making excuses for other people's bad behavior or, unhealthy relationship, dynamics.

Let's upgrade out of that. Let's start operating in this place of like, integrity with how you treat yourself self respect, self love, because everything comes from from within us, right? So if you're, if you're able to feel really aligned with yourself, know you what you deserve, know what you should be receiving, you're going to attract someone who's also done that kind of work.

Finding your soulmate

Your, soulmate,  will be operating at the same frequency because you're like, oh, yeah, I want to be able to trust somebody to and I've worked through my own, trauma, I'm not going to put up with someone else's raggedy BS, you know, like, you want a partner that meets you at where you're at. And so if we can leave behind those old behaviors and belief systems, then we will attract our, soulmate.

I work with anybody who is desiring to fix whatever kind of, relationship, they're in, whether that's heteronormative, whether that's, homosexual, like anything under the sun, if you have a desire to fix, and heal and upgrade the way that you're showing up in your, relationships. You're my kind of person. I oftentimes and one of the things I'm really good at is helping single people who are or people out of divorce or out of a relationship who are having a hard time letting go. I help couples to heal, spiritual healing. 

Relationship reset

That's what, relationship reset, is the, spiritual healing, program that I am working with right now. It's designed for people in relationships who are committed they know that this is a person that they want to have a future with and and work things out; but are feeling maybe there's blocks in their communication. 

There's things that are kind of bubbling to the surface after kind of the honeymoon phase wears off, where you're mirroring some unhealthy dynamics back and forth to each other and just get to a place of being able to show up. Within in that relationship feeling really supported and aligned and really clear about what your future feels like together, they need, spiritual healing. 

Myrna: Let's talk about, relationship reset, spiritual healing, for couples to find how they are showing up, what their blockages are?  You know you people say they're great baggage from relationships.  Tell us about your coaching program, how can listeners connect with you and sign up for your coaching program?

Conclusion

Absolutely. So, the, relationship reset, right now is a group coaching program, where I am taking people through these foundations of, you know, these really important baseline.  I believe, characteristics of what is involved in a healthy dynamic and a healthy relationship like decide whether that's intimacy, whether that's trust, whether that's healthy communication, and helping each of them pull back the layers to see where maybe that they've got some stuff from the path that is preventing them from having really effective communication or, you know, feeling safe to really open up the path of intimacy.

It's a retreat program where I will go over the the fundamentals the foundations and then there's also one on one time with me to be able to go a little bit deeper for, spiritual healing.  

So to go check out and learn all about my different offerings, whether it's, relationship reset, whether it's my other programs that are downloadable you go to my www.Briannacolette.com that has all the information on all the ways you can connect with me. My Instagram handle is @briannacollect. I welcome any anybody who's looking for more information or feels like this resonates happy to jump on a call. 

Additional Resources

Understanding How to Use Reiki Energy for Mind and Body