Grief, is like going to a movie where you're watching a horror movie and the next person to you is watching a comedy. It was poignant for me to understand that somebody's life can be storming and the next door neighbor has sunshine.
My guest today is Samantha Ruth, grief expert and we are going to be talking on the topic “What does, grief, and, mental health, have in common.” I know that we're in a time where a lot of us are experiencing, grief, – our loved ones are dying left and right. We're in a place where we can't really socialize, so we've got a lot of, grief, and, mental health, issues come in. Samantha will shed some light on how to ease some of the pain and suffering that accompanies, grief.
Download full interview here:
Brief bio of Samantha Ruth
Samantha Ruth is a Transformational Psychologist, speaker, best-selling author, and founder of Griefhab, a 24/7 support community for anyone who has experienced a loss. Sam helps people around the world turn their pain into their power by guiding them to be their true selves.
Her mission is to change the way the world views, mental health, so people can openly speak about whatever issues they have, and get the help they not only need, but deserve without fear of judgment, labels, and repercussions.
Sam understands what it's like to feel overwhelmed, lost, stuck, and alone. After unexpectedly losing her husband Jim, Sam felt like her life had been shattered into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. It took this experience for her to learn how to tune out the noise of everything and everybody else and focus on listening to herself. Her favorite quote:
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Helping others through their grief
Myrna: Can you share your story of losing your husband and how did that tragedy help you achieve the purpose of helping others through, grief. A lot of times, I firmly believe that God gives you a test so you can have a testimony. God puts you through the storm so you can help other people and that's obviously what your story is turned out to be. Now, can you share a little of it with us?
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Samantha: My husband was everything me. I met him when I was 24 years old and living in Michigan. We were together for a few years, but we were still young, silly and career driven. So, we went our separate ways. During that time, he moved to Colorado and we reconnected in June of 2013. We were married the following August and he passed away unexpectedly just a little over three years later. I had left my family and my career. I was just completely lost and had no idea what to do next.
Grief is like watching a horror movie while someone else is watching a comedy
Myrna: There’s a, grief, story I heard a few months back. This woman told the story that one day, ( she was a psychologist) she and her husband were going to pick up their son from the Airport. He’s wasn't her child, it was her husband's son and he was turning 18 the next day. They were going to go pick him up from the Airport and she decided to walk her dog before they left. While she walked her dog, her husband said he was going to jump in the river for a quick swim (that’s something he did every day).
While she was walking her dog, she suddenly heard him scream. She didn't pay much attention to it, because she knows he was a strong swimmer. When she heard him scream again, she decided to go to investigate. She saw her husband clutching a tree in the middle of the river, apparently there was some kind of a wild current that day and her husband was trying to hang on to the tree, but the current was too strong and he was swept away.
She actually physically saw him drowned right in front of her eyes. Her whole world shattered, she was overcome with, grief. The hardest thing she had to do was telling his son that his father died in his 18th birthday, knowing that he would never be able to celebrate his birthday again.
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Grief is like a black cloud
Until that story, I never really understood, grief. She said when you have, grief, it's like you don't have sun anymore, but your neighbor has sun. She said she would get up in the morning and while she had this black cloud of, grief, her neighbor would be getting up and going to get his morning paper and clueless of what's going on at his next door neighbor!
Grief, is like going to a movie where you're watching a horror movie and the next person to you is watching a comedy. It was poignant for me to understand that somebody's life can be storming and the next door neighbor has sunshine.
Myrna: You said your, grief, was like your world shattered into tiny pieces? Can you expand on how you handled that?
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Grief is invisible
Samantha: I also want to add that, grief, is also invisible. We don't have a cast over a broken arm or something that people can see. We live in this world that avoids the uncomfortable conversations. The first year after my husband died was a complete blur to me. I was in deep, depression. If you told me we went to Japan together, I would trust your memory over mine. I went through the motions, I survived.
I am a psychologist trained in, trauma, and there was pressure. I don't know if your friend who's also a psychologist experienced that, but there was pressure to bounce back quicker than anyone else would, because it's what I do and I couldn't or wouldn't do that. I had to find my own way. There were sunny houses all over the place, but I felt like I lived in a forest. I had to figure out how to get through the maze all by myself. The world expects you to get back to work, your family, everybody's pulling from a different direction.
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Self care is important in grief and loss
I made a conscious decision because I was in so much pain, I had to take care of myself. I went in a direction that was unfamiliar to me and to everyone else, which made more noise, but, self care, was the way through.
So, to anyone struggling with, grief, I encourage you to find the strength to listen to the voice inside your head, don't listen to the others.
Myrna: You're able to take the knowledge that you learned from going through that traumatic experience to help others through, grief. You founded the company called Griefhab, can you tell us about your company.
Samantha: I am on a mission to change the way the world views, grief, and, mental health, because my experience showed me how similar the two were.
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Grief and loss because of the Coronavirus pandemic
Myrna: We're on in some unprecedented times with the, Coronavirus pandemic. How does your company help other experiencing, grief and loss, because of the, coronavirus pandemic?
Samantha: Tuning out the noise and not letting people expectations like – “Hey, you should have gotten over it by now.” What I mean, and my advice as a psychologist is, you need to have a support system and that's important. Grief, can be isolating and you can feel different and lonely and there are people who get it. The pandemic has uprooted millions of people's lives and you are not alone.
Talking really does help even if somebody is just listening and they're not actually physically doing talking, it does help. Talking is the way through, grief. Please, loved ones and friends, be patient with us. It might be uncomfortable for you, but it is the only way we will heal.
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What does grief and mental illness have in common?
Myrna: What does, grief, and, mental illness, issues have in common? What are the, stages of grief, and how does it affect your, mental health?
Samantha: I do not believe that you can grieve without, anxiety, and, depression. Going through the grieving process, there are such stigmas around both. I've lived with the world of, mental health, stigmas when I was early in healing journey. I learned that people treat someone grieving the same way as they treat someone with a, mental illness; they don't know how to act around them and they don't know what to say. I felt all of these stigmas and all I had done was lose my husband.
What, grief, and, mental health, have most in common is that they can be isolating and alienating. That’s the reason I am trying to make noise and let the world know that everything we know is backwards. We have to talk about it, we have to lean on each other and the stigmas are backwards. We need each other. I am one voice and anyone that's willing to share their personal stories by raising their hand and saying I am not okay, even just saying “I'm having a bad day”, will erase the stigma.
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Depression and anxiety is a stage of grief
People don't know we're grieving. It's invisible, mental health. They can't see, depression, or, anxiety.
Samantha: You can't grieve without going through, anxiety, and, depression, it is one of the, stages of grief.
Myrna: They also say that there are, seven stages of grief. So, where does the, anxiety, and, depression, fit in?
Samantha: Well, I mean there's pressure to attend A, B, C, D and E immediately after, grief and loss. I haven't spoken to anyone who has experienced, grief and loss, that doesn't have some sort of, anxiety, about going back to work or attending an event, even if it's virtual.
It's a tidal wave of, anxiety, it comes and it goes and it doesn't end. You get through in the beginning, it's like you're drowning and you come up for air and you find a buoy or somebody to hold on to (that's one of your support system). That's how it is for a while, then eventually you can swim and float and then all of a sudden, a wave comes out of nowhere and knocks you down and it could be a month later or a year later or even a decade later.
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Is there an end to grief?
Myrna: As a psychologist, is there a way to do something to prevent the, grief, coming back like a decade later?
Samantha: It doesn't get better, it gets different and that's why people expect holidays, anniversaries and certain life events to be difficult days. But it could just be next Tuesday and it could be a difficult day for no reason. The good things you experience are met with sadness, because the person you want to share it with the most isn't physically here, so, grief, is always there.
Something would knocked me to my knees in the beginning and I would be down and out and I would barely get myself back together, and then something else would come and knock me right back to my knees (it's not like that now). If something happens, I can cope and get through it. It's still painful, but I have learned how to navigate so that I'm not back down on my knees.
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Grief vs trauma
I went to the University of Michigan and I can't perform the same way I did, my brain has been permanently altered because of the, trauma, of grief.
Myrna: That is very interesting, trauma. They call it big “T” – traumas and little “T” – traumas. Now, what you're saying someone with, grief, should take it one day at a time. Work with the present moment, that is how everything changes. You can't go back into the past, you can't go into the future, all changes happen in the present moment.
Myrna: Let's say that I have somebody that's going through the grieving process, what are some of the things that I can do to help? This is very important because I remember what you shouldn't say to somebody. What can we say or do for someone experiencing, grief?
How to Help with Grief
Samantha: Say “I'm here for you”. Don’t ask “what do you need”, is a very stressful question. We don't know the answer, so just be there for us. Give someone experiencing, grief and loss, multiple choice questions, not essay – say I'm going to the store and I'm getting you stuff. Do you want bread or milk? I can answer that question.
Myrna: Yes, the same woman who lost her husband in the river said that people came to her home and helped her clean her house and cooked for her, because these are things that you have no interest in doing during the grieving process, but nobody ever really thinks about that.
Samantha: Grief, is a tough journey and something each one of us is going to experience in our lives because death is something that happens and it's unavoidable. Not everybody lives until they're 95, there's going to be sudden death at 30s, 20s or whatever. Where people don't expect it and that's when it's harder, but we're all going to be touched with it.
Mental Health stigmas
Myrna: How can we help break some of the, mental health stigmas?
Samantha: I think it's similar to, grief, I think by talking about it, we break the stigma. When I tell people I have, anxiety, a lot of people ask questions because they don't know. Telling one person or starting one conversation helps break the stigma of, mental illness. It doesn't have to be going on the news and telling the world, but we won't change things if we continue to hide it and make it like it's something bad.
Myrna: Tell us about your book, why you wrote it, what do you want the reader to walk away with at the end of reading it?
Permission Granted to Grieve
Samantha: My second book was called “Permission Granted to Grieve”. I think it's important that the world understands that you have to grieve, you have to heal, you can't ignore it. Everything I'm saying is the same for, grief, and, mental health.
My upcoming book is called “Ruthless”. My last name is Ruth and I lost my husband. I became ruthless, but ruthless is perceived a negative. So, redefining ruthless is my journey. I want people to see negative things as strengths and perceived weaknesses as advantages. I'm taking this negatively charged word and making it okay.
Myrna: Tell us about your company Griefhab and your 24/7 support community. How can someone get in touch with you? What is your website? Tell us how you help people at Griefhab?
Samantha: There are two elements to Griefhab; one – it's 24/7 support community. You don't have to wait until your next appointment to talk to somebody. You don't have to struggle, there's always support available and that's a free community on Facebook. You can go there on FacebookGriefhab or it's on my website www.samantharuth.com.
Conclusion
There's no judgment, this is about healing your way and asking the questions that you don't feel safe asking anywhere else. People who feel that they need more support like I did, like sending out the death certificates and dealing with the creditors and all the things like getting the light bulb changed, finding somebody to get your groceries and make things, so you don't have to do anything.
I do all of that in addition to working with you. When I had to present a death certificate, it knocked me down. So, I want other people to know those are tasks that we can do for you, so you can just heal.
Myrna: Thanks for tuning in to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio podcast and television show. If you've not done so yet, please rate and review us on iTunes so that we can get this message out to a wider audience. Until next time, blessings.
Additional Resources
