The late, Kevin Samuels, controversially said that, Black women, over 35 cannot get a man because any, high value man, could get a younger woman.
The gist of his message was that women over 35 who are single with children are like used cars. Top quality men don’t want them since they they are, low value, and the, high value man, have options and they exercise these options for younger women with no children and baby daddy drama.
So here in lies the dilemma. Even though women were calling, Kevin Samuels, a scum bag, he had a huge following of men because they knew he was talking truth. These so called, high value men, were willing to rip into a man of God Dr. Jamal Bryant, senior pastor at New Birth in Atlanta, in defense of, Kevin Samuels.
It is true that, black women, over 35 are looking for the, high value man, and men over 35 are looking for younger women? How do we know this is true? The reason I know this is true is because everyone is looking and nobody is finding love, because love is not about hair, booty, breasts or skin color. Love is about chemistry, it is an energy.
So, ladies my, dating advice, to you is you must age like fine wine, you have much more to offer a man and you need to let him see this. You have experience.
Dating Advice for Black Women
Remember that relationship you walked out of in your 20ths, now you realize that it was the best relationship you ever had. There is a lesson in every failure.
So now that you are 35+ and single; what have you learned about men? What I have learned is that the, high value man, would sleep with the 35+, black woman, with the good hair and the booty, but they look for more in the woman they marry.
So, while you are sitting on the shelf, make yourself ready for your husband. You have to become, wife material.
6 ways to become wife material
Learn to speak on a variety of topics, men are no longer attracted to the dumb pretty woman anymore.
Learn the rules of basketball and football. Most men like sports so, you must learn to like them as well, so he doesn’t have to go out with the boys to watch the game. He could watch it with his woman.
Learn to cook dinner for two. A man wants to marry a woman who can cook.
Get a gym membership, men like to hold muscles not fat.
Learn to control your tongue, sometimes silence is the best answer.
Learn to build up a man and not tear him down. Life and death are in the tongue, speak life into your man. Encourage him, listen to him, support him.
Kevin Samuels YouTube Videos
I listened to, Kevin Samuels, most famous video. This video had 3M views and over 3K comments when I watched it months ago! Kevin Samuels, was speaking to a woman who was 35 had a 13-year-old son and was making 6 figures. She said she wanted a, high value man, who made 6 figures because when she dates men below her pay grade, she gets idiots.
Kevin Samuels, asked her from a scale of 1 to 10 where would she fall and she said 6. He then told her that, high value men, who make 6 figures are in the top 10% of all men and have options. They are not looking for an average, black woman, 35+ with a 13-year-old son.
He is correct, they are not looking for you, but if you age like fine wine and prepare yourself while you’re fermenting, they will take a sip of you and become intoxicated.
Black women prepare yourself to become a high value woman
The other thing I have learned is it may have been a long time since you have been held by a man and you can’t wait to jump into bed; don’t do it. A man must respect the woman he marries. Don’t sleep with him until he calls you his girlfriend and you are sure he is not married!
There is a dilemma for, black women, over 35 who are single with children, but finding love is not impossible. I got married at 46 with a 16-year-old daughter. The chemistry was right and I was prepared. So don’t let anyone tell you, you have no value and that you are like a used car. Antiques cars are more valuable than new cars. You have wisdom, skills, and know how to treat and keep a man.
Hope this helps someone.
You have been listening to 5 mins with coach Myrna, I want to invite you to join my Facebook group called Lifecoach, for inspiration throughout the week. Until next time Namaste
For over 14 years Amy Schoen, a professional certified life and relationship coach, has helped marriage-minded men and women get off the dating merry-go-round and finally find their life partner. She also helps her clients build a loving, committed relationship that lead to, marriage, if that is their goal.
• Amy lives in the Washington, DC Metro area with husband (#2) of 16 years, and her 10 year old son. Find out more about Amy, her services, programs and her monthly Motivated to Marry podcasts at www.MotivatedtoMarry.com also available on iTunes.
Dating with purpose: meeting the man
I have top-down approach with my clients, we first look at what you want for your Life. It’s being clear about your life. I go deep into the values and there’s a way for me to really kind of flush them out and pull them out because people think they know their values but when they go through my process they really kind of see.
Over 80% of my successfully matched, motivated to marry, couples met their
partners through, online dating, after they applied my process and, dating advice.
They become so empowered and they don’t take crap from anybody. I train them to watch out for those wishy-washy men who like well, maybe I’ll get married someday, maybe I’ll have a family one day.
Dating Advice: What to talk about on a First Date
I say on a first date there are three things that you really just
need to pay attention to: Here are, dating advice for first dates.
1. Does the conversation flow?
2. Do you not see any real apparent deal-breakers? The things
that you know are not going to work for you.
3. Are you somewhat attracted to this person? I mean not like you
can’t even imagine kissing him!
I mean usually within three or four dates you know whether somebody is
Going to work and if they are, motivated to marry,
What does, Motivated to Marry, mean?
We throw around the term, motivated to marry, so much since that is the topic of your book and that’s the topic of your expertise.
Motived to Marry, it is a, mindset, it’s, dating with purpose,
It came to me as I was dating and I was in my late thirties and I’m standing at a
party and I’m talking to this guy and he’s really cute and he plays with a
band and he’s going off to Europe for six months, and I’m kind of like
a strategic Maximizer, so I’m listening, I’m like oh my God, he’s not, motivated to marry,
Characteristics of the, motivated to marry, man or woman?
Dating with purpose, means being able to spot the, motivated to marry. The, motivated to marry, is basically somebody who if a woman looking for a man. I would say that he’s secure and is stable financially. Stable career, like everything else in his life is set, except he’s missing the missing the relationship piece.
These, motivated to marry, men tend to hate singles events and being single. They desire to have a steady companionship rather than the stress of continuing going out. I would say more introverted people tend to be, motivated to marry, and that’s why, online dating, has been phenomenal. Introverts love the internet because it’s a one-to-one medium.
How many dates should you go on before becoming exclusive?
Here is some, dating advice. By the fourth or fifth dates, you know whether you want go further. I have a whole thing about when to be exclusive and what you need before you would be willing to be a exclusive. To stop dating other people and just focus on this person. In the, motivated to marry, model I suggest that you kind of have to have the conversation about how long you’re going to be in a relationship before expecting to go the next step. I told my husband when we were dating, I’m not dating to date, I’m, dating with purpose, of marriage and having a family.
I’m, dating with purpose, I absolutely love that phrase because you can weed out so much without being intrusive.
Dating advice from Amy
I have a self-learning program I call a Home Study the, motivated to marry, dating on purpose, secrets program which is eight modules and it takes you through the, motivated to marry, process in terms of getting to know yourself better, your goals and your values, which values to focus on as well as your must-haves or deal breakers and non-negotiables; so you really build way to really sift through people quickly. I also give you a lot of ideas about how to meet people.
I have 12 areas that I’ve identified of areas that we need to pay attention to in
A relationship and the conversations we need to have with our partner and then I also give you some tools some, relationship tools. I have written article on the test of time as long-term couples have lasted and I have the relationship dating hurdles. The steps that you need to get from, dating to engagement.
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We all know that children from zero to seven are all like little sponges, downloading everything. This is when the, mother wound, gets started. Mothers, are nurturers if the child is not getting nurtured, they fail to thrive.
I want to say that I personally have not had a, mother wound. My, mother, and I are pretty close. I’m the eldest of four children and my, mother, she’s actually my best friend. But I understand the pain from the, mother wound. I adopted three children from the, foster care, system who were heavily wounded by their, mothers. They all had, abandonment, issues so, I experienced firsthand how the, mother wound, affected every aspect of their lives.
The girls became promiscuous with men and boys, wanted friends and have people like them. Also because of the, mother wound, they were not being able to bond with me or my husband, because another bi-product of the, mother wound, is, attachment disorder, so the adoption was not successful in integrating our families.
Myrna – Kerri what was your relationship with your mother like? Were you wounded by your, mother?
Kerri – Myrna even though your personal experience with your, mother, from your vantage point is very healed, which is a beautiful gift, there is like an ocean of not healed women on the planet. Having a, mother, as a life preserver who knows how to love is so beautiful and really pivotal because everything that happens in our early life, starting from the moment of conception is being recorded.
Starting from the moment of conception in the mother’s womb, babies are being formed in the, consciousness, of the, mother, it can’t be any other way. You’re inside the, mother, you’re being formed by the, mother’s, beliefs about herself, beliefs about the world, ancestral traumas that are unhealed; all of it goes inside of our ancestral DNA in our very human bodies.
Your Communication with your mother starts in the womb
Just imagine that the voice that you speak to yourself with it starts forming when you’re being formed inside your, mother’s womb, so however your, mother, speaks to herself is how you start to learn to speak to yourself. If the, mother, is not confident or if she’s had sexual traumas or if she does not believe in herself that’s going to influence your development. If the, mother, believes in herself, if she’s strong, if she’s vibrant then you’re getting that. You’re getting that training inside as you’re growing inside her body.
They’ve proven now that babies are able to perceive outside the womb, they’re able to perceive not only what’s going on inside the, mother, but also the outside environment. Babies can perceive things, they can hear voices, a vibration happens they can feel things, they sense things.
So, the beginning of education in earth school starts from the moment of conception. We all know that children from zero to seven are all like little sponges, downloading everything. This is when the, mother wound, gets started. Mothers, are nurturers if the child is not getting nurtured, they fail to thrive.
If a child is not being nurtured by the mother they develop a mother wound
If you experience a big loss like an, abandonment, early in that zero to seven age range, that’s hugely impacting. Anywhere along your development from zero to twenty-one, anything that happens is going to be huge for you, because all of your various bodies are getting developed.
Your physical body is getting developed first, then your emotional body is getting developed then your mental body is getting developed, then your spiritual body gets developed until age 28, so all of these bodies are being formed. Everything that happens in your life experience is like creating the context of your life, the inner context.
Myrna – In this moment anyone who is a, mother, should take that role seriously. It’s a big responsibility. Before I got into this consciousness space and this self-improvement space I would hear them talk about the men or women who are in prison and blame their parents. It all starts with their, mother wound.
I always thought it was a big old blame game, but now I know it’s true the, mother wound, develops into so many unfortunate situations.
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Kerri – I want to reassure every, mother, because when I started learning about the, mother wound, I started going to self-judgment. I look at oldest child especially how his life rolled out. He’s really struggling with this and that and I was struggling with the same things while he was in me. I had a lot of, mental health, challenges that I’d been working on when I was pregnant with him at 30.
I had already been working on it for 15 years from the time I was 15 years old because I had early, childhood trauma, so I was trying to heal and I thought I had it all together and then he came into my womb.
This happens to a lot of, mothers, because you get pregnant and then your whole physiology changes. Any traumas from your childhood comes right up to the surface. You start having, postpartum depression, or other things and you’re like why is this happening. I was really excited to have this baby. Why am I going through, postpartum depression?
Having a baby, it’s like the big purge. One of the reasons for, postpartum depression, is not dealing with stuff from your past or not dealing with your, mother wounds. Psychology makes an effort in helping, mothers, to cope with this kind of thing. I even invested in psychotherapy.
I would sit there every week and like try to work on myself.
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How the mother wound affects your romantic relationships
Myrna – If you’re abandoned by your mom or hurt by your mom, the, mother wound, it’s very hard for you to love yourself, then you can’t really be in romantic relationships.
You have to remove the subconscious programming that says you are not good enough and learn to love yourself. If you can’t release the, mother wound, and love yourself, you will continue to struggle in romantic relationships. You must gain control of your life as it deals with this issue of the, mother wound?
Kerri – I think that subconscious holds the keys to all of it because if you think about this concept of the iceberg submerged in the ocean. The part you see above the water is the conscious mind, but there’s so much more underneath the surface.
There’s so much to explore about your own consciousness to understand yourself better, so that you can show up even better.
You didn’t choose to be molested , you didn’t choose to be abandoned, you didn’t choose to be hurt by your, mother, and have a, mother wound.
According to according to Dr Wayne Dyer‘s teaching he says we chose our parents, because we needed that experience in order to do what we have to do in this earth.
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My journey in psychotherapy helped my understanding of why I had a, mother wound. The home I grew up in from the time I was five years old, was very solid. My mom and my dad worked as a team. I didn’t always like the things that they told me I had to do, but they were caring, they were loving and attentive.
We had three-way hugs in a supportive family environment. We went sailing on the weekends, we had a nice life. So I was like, why am I so screwed up? I had this feeling that something got broken inside of me from my early childhood, because I knew that there was trauma from zero to five years old.
It was a big trauma. My mom married a man who was probably not suited to be a dad. He had his own trauma story from his own childhood of being abused by his mother and left outside of hotel rooms while she slept with men and things like that. He was abandoned in hotels for days, so we had all these traumas he was working through.
Unresolved Wounds from your childhood affects your ability to parent
My, mother, started noticing that there was a really good possibility that he was going to molest me. I want to give my mom huge props, because many, mothers, stay in a situation like that afraid to leave, but my, mother, was a warrior of love. So left and found the next best pathway and that was my first step father.
My first stepfather was a violent drunk, so it was very traumatic. So by the time I was five after four years with this violent step father, we moved and just by chance met my second stepfather who I call my dad. He is the man my, mother, has been with for 45 years until he passed away three years ago.
Spirituality is the path to healing the mother wound
I started my spiritual path and for me that was the opening because it taped into beyond the mind, it taped into the body where a lot of trauma is stored. Many people know trauma is stored in the body and it taps into the emotional body. When you’re a child and you’re seeing these scary things happening, you don’t have words to talk. You don’t have language.
As an adult, you have to go deeper into the body, the somatic experience. You have to go into inner child healing, and make friends with all these aspects of you and become their parents. It’s really about re-mothering yourself and the re-mothering process takes some time because
of those early conditionings.
You have to stay in the conversation of love and kindness and gentleness long enough for it to start to sink in, and for these aspects to heal. Along that journey all kinds of modalities might happen for you. I found mine in a shaman. Somebody told me they got healed by a shaman and I was like sign me up.
What are men’s role in healing the, mother wound? A lot of times men add it to the damage that the, mother, started and then the men compound the, mother wound.
Kerri – Men can help by healing the mother wounds inside of them, because all men were boys and they came out of a, mother, so that’s why the solution is the, mother, because we all live in a, mother, to begin life. So, in order to heal we all have to walk back to the, mother.
Your relationship with your, mother, and the programming of love that you received from your, mother, is also your trust in your connection with the divine and earth. It’s a multi-dimensional conversation, because whatever lack of trust you have with your biological mother, that same lack of trust can show up in your connection with the divine, in your connection with the planet.
If you’re disregarding your body, you’re probably also disregarding your impact on the earth.
Why did you write the book “Love is Fierce: healing the mother wound”?
Kerri – My book uses my personal experience to illustrate various points that are very common across humanity so, there’s a lot of themes in the book that talk about why it is that we are in the situation we’re in right now. Why we have so much war and conflict, misunderstanding and divides between people. This is because of the breakdown of the matriarchy. The breakdown of the feminine and how a lot of the patterns we see are derived directly from breakdown of that primary relationship with the, mother.
I had to go through the deep inner work to write the book and to reveal the patterns, but honestly I’ve been working on this project my entire life.
Myrna – I understand, you had 20 years in psychotherapy. This project allowed you to heal your, mother wound, and also heal the, mother wounds, of your children.
Myrna – Where can our listeners connect with you get a copy of your book? How can they connect with you on social media and your website?
Kerri- They can connect with me on my website www.kerrihummingbird.com
On the website there is a link to sign up for 17 days of interviews on the return of mother wisdom, which I find to be really inspiring. I interviewed all these women and they have these beautiful things to say about where we’re going with humanity on the earth.
You can purchase the book on amazon and then you can take your confirmation number over to www.motherwoundbook.com (receive 17 days of interviews for the Return of Mother Wisdom Series)
I also have a podcast called the Soul Nectar Show, I hope you’re going to come and be a guest on the show.
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Are you a single woman hoping to, find your soul mate? What about your, twin flame, who is your mirror, soul. Science says that when you meet your Life partner, some thing magical happens. In this blog we look at what happens when two, souls, with constructive energies meet?
Listen to the full interview here:
In our last episode my co-host and I looked at what, single women, need to do to get their house ready for love, where to look for love and what to look for when you are starting over after divorce or death of a partner.
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How to, Find your Soul mate, the Science of Attraction
In the last Blog post, I shared how I met my husband on a train. I am going to use this personal story to illustrate what happens when two strangers or, souls, meet for the first time.
As you may remember from Chemistry class, every atom and molecule gives out and absorbs light. The human body is made up of 50 trillion cells composed of atoms and molecules. So we are massive bundles of energy giving off and absorbing light or energy all the time.
When two energies come together they become entangled, the first step to, find your soul mate, is constructive energy.
When two energies are in harmony, the result is called, constructive energy, because it increases in size. That is why you should grow as a person when you are in the right relationship.
We call this, “good vibes” very important when you are hoping to, find your soul mate.
So let’s look at what happened when I met my husband and our energies became constructive!
I walked onto a train and he was standing by the door. I looked fine, mini skirt, sunglasses, designer bag over my shoulder, so I caught his attention. He caught my attention because he was the first black officer I had seen on the train.
On be known to me my second Chakra or energy center in charge of communication sent him a signal because he tells me he felt this warm feeling in his body. He had never felt that before. Let me put a pin here and explain.
Our bodies are made up of seven energy centers, called Chakras. Each of these energy centers are responsible for certain functions. I know that my second Chakra located below my navel is my communication center and it is responsible for engaging a mate by sending out signals when it finds a compatible energy so you can, find your soul mate.
Soul mate vs Twin flame
My husband could also be my, twin flame. After 14 years of marriage, I do believe we are mirror souls. What Is A Twin Flame? Sometimes discussed in terms of a “mirror soul” or, soul connection, a, twin flame, is the other half of your, soul. It is theorized that a, soul, can split into two after ascending to a high frequency. Thereafter, the, soul, lands in two different bodies.
I must have also received something from my husband’s energy center as well because my thoughts lingered on him. I was curious. That was all that it was for me at that time. Curiosity. I was not actively looking to, find a soul mate.
But I have heard men say that the first time they saw their wife they knew that she was the one. There is such a thing as love at first sight! Have you heard Steve Harvey tell his story of when he met his wife and, how he found his, soul mate?. I don’t think he was actively trying to, find your soul mate. But there she was. He was doing stand up comedy and she walked in late with her girlfriends, and he couldn’t stop staring at her. In fact he couldn’t even continue his act. He told her right then that she was going to be his wife! Believe in compatible energy, it is real.
Anyway, back to my story. Because our energies entangled and we both got, good vibes, we looked to further the communication.
The, Soul mate Connection, is Immediate
Another pin. That is why we shouldn’t chase men. if you guys have, constructive energy, or, good vibes, they will reach out. We are hard wired to mate. It is all happening without our conscious thought. Your soul is looking for it’s, twin flame.
So my husband searched for me on the train every day until he found me. I noticed him sit behind me for a few mins while he got up the nerve to come talk to me. We talked for about 30 mins until I got off the train at my stop. I will confess that I was not impressed by the conversation. He cursed like a sailor. I think that men who curse in front of women have no respect; but when I got off the train my energy body told me that it had made a, soul connection.
I had this incredible feeling of euphoria! My stomach was doing somersaults. I knew right then that we would have a relationship. I knew right then that I had found my, soul mate, This is how you, find your soulmate, you listen to your body.
Three months later he proposed we were married 8 months after. That was 13 years ago and we are still in love, compatible energies!
Soul mate Meaning
This is an example of the science of two, compatible energies, something we have no control over. That is why you have heard people say we have no control over who we love. You can’t pick your, soul mate. The science of attraction brings him or her to you.
Your, soul mate meaning, two souls joining together to perfect each other.
On the other hand when your energy is not in sync with other, we get, bad vibes, not your, soul mate. The energy cancels each other out and instead of feeling euphoria you feel depleted.
Energy is your most important reading as a single woman looking for a mate. Ever heard the saying that someone is like an anchor, you can’t thrive since you met them. Pay attention that means that you are not expanding, you are contracting or stuck.
Illustration the Science of, Attraction, the bad vibe
Rhonda met this great guy at a bar. The guy was gorgeous, absolutely delicious. He pursued and seduced her and they started, dating. They had a great time together but something didn’t click. He was kinda, sorta vague on his explanation about everything.
It took about three months of, dating, this guy for Rhonda to discover that he was still living with his daughter’s mother and another 6 months to understand that theirs was an on and off relationship. He would never under any circumstances spend the night, saying that he did not want his daughter to wake up and he was not there. This reminds me of Whitney Houston’s married relationship in Waiting to Exhale!
This is when Rhonda realized that a married man is a married man. They can string you along forever. They can tell you anything. She decided to breakup. The breakup was mutual but she wasted at least 2 years on a relationship that was going nowhere when if she had paid attention to her, bad vibes, she could have saved herself from heartache.
Reading energy is the most important data in the, dating, world.
Be careful of Psychopaths while looking to, find your Soul Mate
Have you ever met a psychopath? Or been in a relationship with one? They are masters at reading energy.
We are all broadcasting a frequency of our most innermost thoughts. That is how a predator picks out his prey.
That is how a mugger chooses his victim.
Animals also know how to read this energy. A lion picks his prey from a flock. He reads the vibration of the weakest prey.
I am sure everyone on the planet is aware on some level of the Art Kelly crimes against teenage girls and women. How do you think he chose his victims? Women who would allow him to disrespect their bodies and lock them up in a room and have to ask to go to the bathroom and ask to eat? Some said that he didn’t feed them for 3 days, yet they didn’t leave. As one of his victims said in an interview. If you were weak minded, he wants you. You could be a teenager or a 30 year old woman!
Science of, attraction, reading vibrations when looking to, find your soul mate?
Synergistic relationships are based on both individuals being on the same wavelength, when they completely understand each other and don’t try to limit the space they occupy in each other’s lives.
I read an article that stated the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The examples used was if you train two Belgian horses together, the effect is multiplied: together, they can pull 32,000 pounds. Two horses, doing the work of four, even though it seems to defy physics. Often, in a positive relationship, you’ll find that synergy is already happening.
How can you increase that by finding harmony, in acknowledging individual strengths and how they work best together? For example, I love to shop; but I don’t necessarily like to cook all the time. My husband, will send me a list of all the items to pick up the grocery store and he will cook. I then just have to do keep the kitchen tidy and get the family read to enjoy his great cooking. It works for both of us.
In regards to signs women should look out for in predators, Robert Hare, one of the world’s foremost experts on, psychopathic behavior, believes that people need to know what to do in the event they find themselves involved or associated with a predatory psychopath.
Here are his tips on How to Avoid being targeted by a predator when trying to, find your soulmate:
Be careful of props—the winning smile, the promises, the fast talk, and the gifts meant to deflect you from the manipulation and exploitation that may be occurring. Any of these characteristics can have enormous sleight-of-hand value, serving to distract you.”
Anyone who seems too perfect is. Psychopaths hide their dark sides until they get their target person deeply involved. Too much flattery, feigned kindness, and cracks in grandiose stories should provide clues and put you on your guard. Make reasonable inquiries.
Know yourself—or you might be vulnerable from your blind spots. Predators know how to find and use your triggers, so the more you realize what you tend to fall for, the more closely you can guard against it.
The second stage in the Science of Attraction, is Chemistry
I know you have heard this word thrown around all the time. For example the dating sites match people up by common interests; but they can’t manufacture chemistry.
Let’s get back to my husband for a minute.
I just shared all about the our first meeting and about us having good vibes but if we had no chemistry we would just become good friends.
Here are the Chemicals released by love that is responsible for Chemistry:
Dopamine – Lights up your pleasure center. Your pleasure goes up when you are near or think about this person. Your motivation goes up, Now you are thinking of that nice house and 2 kids! Your sadness goes down, if you were depressed, you are now happy.
I know you have heard the saying love is blind. It is true. Dopamine make you more attractive to your mate and since we are on this planet to procreate, your sexuality goes up! I am sure you have heard or have personal data that new lovers do it all the time!
The second chemical that is released in love is Oxytocin – Oxytocin is responsible for trust. Your level of trust goes up, and your attachment goes up. This is probably why your girlfriends can’t figure why you are going out with a player; but you don’t see it until your heart is crushed. The psychopath uses this one to his advantage.
Finally Serotonin is released. – This hormone is responsible for all the pain attached to love. Serotonin goes up and you become obsessed with your lover. Love is a chemical addiction!
Thank God I have only had one experience with an over abundance of this hormone.
I met one of my boyfriends at a club and it was an instant attraction. I fell hard. I swooned when he called me baby the next day!
Less than 2 months after we met, we made plans to spend the New Year in Jamaica. He left before Christmas but I wouldn’t leave my kids for Christmas so I made plans to meet him in Jamaica after Christmas. It was the longest week in my entire life. I literally looked at the clock the entire time. I was an addict! I however did not, find my soulmate.
Arifah what can you lend to this conversation from a social worker perspective?
Wow, Myrna glad you spoke about the hormones. I always talk to my clients about increasing their Oxytocin through touch, such as a hug, holding hands, a kiss. Everyone has a sensitive area on the body that causes arousal when touched, whether sexual or just to feel good. It’s important in a relationship to know what your partner likes and does not, to give each other compliments and share tips on how increase synergy between each other. It’s important to always reminisce on moments, like when you first met, knew you were in love and what you admire about one another now. All of this, helps build connection.
In general the most salient characteristics for chemistry between two people are mutual interest (reciprocal candor, reasonableness, intimacy,
Remember you have an open invitation to join this group to get answers from the group on any of your struggles in life.
Question from Velma: I would like to, find your soul mate, but most men in my age group 60, want a traditional woman to cook and clean and a man to think for her. I’m not a traditional woman and I’m tired of pretending to be helpless. How do we as women maneuver in a world of the insecure man?
My answer – be both cake and ice-cream. Sometimes you are soft like ice cream and sometimes you are in charge and embrace your masculine energy and be cake.
What’s your answer Arifah
Keep doing what you love and make yourself a priority to level up.
Question from Elizabeth:
Should I be looking to, find your soul mate, of just someone to keep me warm at night?
When you are in your fifties and you have to start all over dating, do you date to find a husband or should you be okay with someone to keep you warm at night.
My answer- Someone to keep you warm at night. Women over 40 have a very slim chance of finding a husband, but you can definitely, find your soul mate!
What’s your answer Arifah?
Its up to you, based on what you are looking for in the present. Dating, can work either way, based on what you end up wanting.
Arifah is the Founder and Program Director of Lifted by Purpose.
Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services to organizations seeking trainings, workshops or programs with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors. Including:
Mental Health Education and Coping Skills
Youth Engagement and
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Located at 180 Shaw St, suite 201, Toronto, Ont. Phone # 416-391-5270
Additional Resources for, How to Find your Soulmate
Love, is a spirit and if you speak to love it will return back to you when you call it. Black Love, is no different; but we need to change the narrative because, Black women, deserve, love.
I think that, love, is waiting for everyone to be silent, so that, love, can speak for itself.
Today we are celebrating, black love. My guest is Lisa Kimberle author of “500 ways to celebrate black love”
Here is the synopsis of 500 ways to celebrate, Black Love
500 ways to celebrate, black love, provides an accelerating approach to, black love, relationships. Love coach and enthusiast Lisa Kimberle gets candid through personal reflection in hope of inspiring real, black love, stories. This is her, love story, a story filled with passion and discovery that led her to a wonderful fulfilling, black love, relationship. This is a, black love book, and it introduces the, blackdatebox, a subscription box created with love for all relationship stages. Black love box, asks the question, what is, black love? It celebrates, black love, and highlights black owned businesses and retailers.
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Why did you write the book “500 ways to black to celebrate, black love?”
For me it all started from my personal journey. What I was personally going through in my, love story. I was in a relationship and everything seemed right, we were very compatible. It seemed like it was love at first sight, and then when we further got in the relationship, we discovered that we just were not meant to be together. He was not a bad person or anything like that; but it was for someone else, it wasn’t for me and we were both totally fine ending the relationship. It was a three year journey that I spent discovering, what is black love.
I started researching family history and I discovered things and thoughts that existed within the family passed down from my grandparents and from my parents. One of the interesting things that I discovered about my grandmother was that for whatever reason my grandmother hated relationships. I kind of discovered during the journey about, black love, and what to do to break your patterns, because these patterns are cyclical and runs for generations.
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I don’t know your, love story; but I know as a, Life coach, I know women who cycle from abusive relationships into new abusive relationships. That’s their pattern, and they keep going into those relationships. They don’t look for them, but it just happens. So what you’re saying is exactly what happens, we all attract the same kind of man and it’s something unconsciously that we’re doing. You traced your pattern and you found that it came from parental influence.
The second thing I discovered when I began researching, black love, is that the internet portrayed, black love relationships, as nonexistent. I bumped into articles such as the one in Marie Claire magazine titled “Marriages are for white people” and then when I read the article it goes further on to explain how, marriage, isn’t for, black women!
So now I am dealing with the generational belief passed down from my parents and grandparents, then it’s the societal belief that, black women, does not deserve, love.
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Is, Black Love, different than White Love?
No, Love, is a spirit and it does not define color. But as, black women, we have some challenges to find fulfilling black, love story. After my 3 year relationship went sour, I really wanted to help, black women, find that perfect, love story. Since I couldn’t find any, black love books, I decided to write one.
I believe that, love, is a spirit and if you speak to, love, it will return back to you when you call it.
I think that, love, is waiting for everyone to be silent, so that love can speak for itself.
Beauty is not just a superficial thing. It’s not just a matter of looking good.
Beauty it’s all about how you present yourself. It’s about being brave, being strong and having an attitude. It is about daring to trust yourself, overcoming your fears and going further.
Beauty lies within us all, allowing us to bloom in the dark and overcome any obstacle.
Just like the lotus flower.
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What are 3 of the 500 ways to celebrate. Black love?
What is Quantum Water Leaping and how does this celebrate, Black Love?
Black Couples, Quantum Water Leaping is utilizing water as a representation of life. I believe that water is life and so if it’s used as a representation to cleanse out the old, love story, whatever that is, whether it’s past relationships, marriages, things that you haven’t forgiven yourself for concerning past relationships or anything thing that can hinder your, black love relationship. Black couples, are using that water and jumping into like a new, love story. It’s a quantum leap.
Black Couples, Quantum Jumping is all about strengthening, black love relationships, because it is very true that relationships breakup because we’re carrying baggage. Leaping from one to the next is a perfect way to drop off your baggage!
Author Betty Tucker shares the story of her life in her memoir, Don’t Worry About The Mule Going Blind. Betty Tucker came of age in Belle Glade, Florida, infamous for its poverty and violence. Her childhood was one of de-bili-ta-ting poverty, borne of racism, exploitive migrant labor, multiple rapes and other abuse, and chronic illness among her family and acquaintances … the list is long and bitter. Betty moved to California, earned her College degree, and raised a family. Then, in 1997, she began a long and eventually successful search for the twin girls she had given up for adoption thirty years earlier. Don’t worry about the Mule going Blind is a book about Fear, insecurity, sexual abuse, and neglect: This memoir will look beyond the description of these difficulties in the author’s life to examine how she acquired the tools she needed to take more control of her life, and what decisions impacted her choices. Pick up your copy today! Don’t worry about the Mule going Blind now available on Amazon.
How does the, Blackdatebox, Help, Black Love Relationships?
The, blackdatebox, or, black love box, is a quarterly subscription, love box, that was created to celebrate, black love. We celebrate, black love, depending on the season such as Christmas and other holidays or occasions that, black couples, wants to celebrate. For example there is a quarantine, love box.
It has most of what you need to create a date at home and while you’re on the stay at home experience, you will kindle a deeper level of communication, a deeper level of, love.
The, black love Box, comes with the rose petals and the candles and whatever you need to create a romantic date.
We are coming into summer so the summer celebration, blackdatebox, 2020 has fireworks inside the box. There’s two different boxes for the summer celebration because some, black couples, may want to have a daytime date, so I have a brunch box. I work with a chef she lives in Alabama her name is Erika Barrett she makes these excellent pancakes, so she’s one of the African American business that are featured in the box. The, blackdatebox, comes with decorations for the ambiance and all the, black couples, have to do is add the feelings of, love!
I also have a product that is amazing. It’s a game with miracle berries and they’re actually from Ghana and some people have taste tripping parties.
You take these berries and they’re intact in form and then they dissolve on your tongue. You have to let it dissolve for about 10 minutes, once it dissolves and you suck a lemon or a lime it is going to turn everything that you’re tasting, sweet. It’s an amazing experience.
When somebody goes out and purchases your book, what do you hope that they will come away with?
I’m hoping that my readers get inspired and more empowered. I’m hoping that it will inspire them to their own self journey to finding, black love, and discoveries of their family history that could be blocking, black love. I want to change the narrative of, black love, and society. I want my book to be a form of mental jogging.
How do you advise women to set their intention for, black love?
Whenever you have good intentions for being in a relationship then you will manifest those intentions. One way to set intentions is with daily affirmations. Some of these affirmations are:
I am loved
I am black and lovable
I am black excellence
If your intentions are that you want, love, because of loneliness, change your intentions. Your purpose for wanting a relationship must be because you have something to give, not want. If you set your intentions in a good way then you’ll receive good results. Call, love, and it will come!
I pray that everyone every listener, every reader of my book that this will be the best year of, Black love, or any other love for them. I just want to pray that, Love, Finds them from the north, the South, the east and the West. I just want to pray that they receive total healing.
How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love. Where do they find, single men?
Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love’s house, so that it is ready for Love.
Listen to the full interview here:
Finding Love Introduction
I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love’s House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.
Dating advice, for, finding love again
Work on being the best you.
Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements
Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence
Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table. Why would someone choose you?
Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?
The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.
Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.
Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!
Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40, to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love, at a bar.
My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!
I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!
I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.
Finding love again, on Dating Sites
The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.
As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes. I don’t have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don’t have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.
Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events. They are home on their computers.
My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.
Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?
It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest. It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men, they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with. Some key tips, I would give are:
Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
Some, dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract like minded, single men, that will give off similar positive energy.
Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
When, dating, be open to new experiences.
Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.
These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.
Where did you meet your husband?
I met my husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter. He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer. He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.
How do, Single Women, prepare, Love’s House?
Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”
The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love’s House.
One of the first things I remembered she said was to,
Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life, as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.
She calls this house, Love’s House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.
In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don’t fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.
Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?
Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.
On the first floor of , Love’s House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.
On the second floor of, Love’s House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.
The most important, dating advice for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.
The third floor of, Love’s House, is when, single women, are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient, courageous and beautiful inside and out.
The top floor is the Attic
In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40, are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.
You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!
Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases of finding themselves in, love’s house.
Make sense of your past
In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story
Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.
In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.
Recognize your personal power when, finding love again
When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives. We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves
Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts
This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.
Know the value of friendship with, single men
We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise
Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak
In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook. They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.
Here is a question from Mari. Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice, on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?
As a, life coach, I think that, single women, starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.
It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
You should have common interests,
be equally yoked,
have the same standard of living,
similar sex drive.
The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on your list but you are shooting for 80%.
Arifah What’s your, Dating Advice, for Mari
Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.
You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man. Once that’s done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.
This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.
How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.
All I know is that I’ve a great fear. I’ve some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man, I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.
Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.
Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear. It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.
It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety. Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.
In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror. If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.
Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves. As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.
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