Building trust, is essential to building relationships. The Bible teaches us that after Jesus was baptized, he was filled with the Holy Spirit and performed miracles and healed the sick with one touch. So why did Jesus ask Simon for a push when he clearly could do it himself? In the episode of 5 min Fridays with Coach Myrna I want to look at how we can establish trust by, asking for help.
This biblical account in the New Testament, found in the Gospel of Luke (Luke 5:1-11), narrates how Jesus met Simon, a fisherman, by the Sea of Galilee. Simon had been out fishing all night without success. Jesus approached, stepped into Simon's boat, and asked him to push out a little from the shore so that He could teach the crowd gathered there. Simon agreed, and Jesus taught from the boat.
The Unexpected Request: Another way of building trust
It's essential to grasp the significance of this seemingly mundane request. By, Jesus asking Simon for a push, Jesus established a connection of trust with him. He didn't immediately launch into a sermon or a call to discipleship. Instead, he met Simon's immediate need, displaying empathy and practicality. In a similar way Pastors know they need to feed the body of their sheep before they feed the soul. We can’t pay attention to the word if our bellies are hungry.
The Metaphor of the Push:
This request for a push can be seen as a metaphor for the way Jesus interacts with all of us. Before inviting us to follow Him, He often first meets us at our point of need, offering assistance, understanding, and guidance. This approach signifies Jesus' concern for our well-being and His willingness to meet us where we are and teaches us, how to ask for help.
After teaching from the boat, Jesus astonished Simon by instructing him to let down the nets for a catch. Despite Simon's initial doubts, he followed Jesus' guidance and witnessed an incredible catch of fish. Building trust, allows others to obey your instructions. It was at this moment of abundance that Jesus formally called Simon, James, and John to be His disciples, saying, “Don't be afraid; from now on, you will fish for people.”
Conclusion:
Check out how the master operates. First, he establishes or, builds trust, by, asking for help, then he performs a, miracle of abundance, and when we are in disbelief, he says follow me if you want more.
The story of, Jesus asking Simon for a push, before calling him to be a disciple holds a powerful lesson for all believers. It reminds us that Jesus meets us in our everyday lives, cares for our immediate needs, and only then extends His invitation to follow Him. This approach embodies the compassion and wisdom of Jesus' ministry, showing that His call is founded on a deep understanding of our human experience.
In the intricate tapestry of personal and parental relationships, building trust, is the cornerstone upon which strong bonds are formed. This blog delves into the delicate art of building and nurturing trust with benevolence and integrity. Join us on this exploration of trust's transformative power, and uncover the keys to forging lasting connections that stand the test of time.
Daryl stickle is one of the world's leading experts in trust with over 20 years experience his PhD building trust in hostile environments. Duke University established him as a global leader for governments and businesses. His unpractical approaches to, building trust, that has worked for McKinsey and Company in their Toronto office as well as advise the Canadian military on, building trust, in Afghanistan. He has served as faculty for the Luxembourg School of Business and the Center for Effective organized organizations at the University of Southern California and recently completed his book Building Trust Exceptional Leadership in an Uncertain world.
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Myrna: maybe we can lay some foundations of how that can happen for anybody that's listening, but I know that you help leaders and organizations. I understand you have a structured and systematic approach that helps leaders to build trust.
Building Trust in the Corporate World
Darryl: I and I also do work with families trying to help them understand, how to build stronger relationships. For me trust is a willingness to make ourselves vulnerable, when we can't completely predict how someone else is going to behave.
If I'm a leader, how do I know if people trust me? I'll ask these questions. One of the challenges we face is just a lack of awareness about who we trust and how much. If I asked you, do you trust me? You'd feel awkward right? It's awkward to say no, because that would be rude and it might trigger an inappropriate response.
Our head goes to this place where we either trust people or we don't, it's a dichotomous variable, like an old-time light switch. The reality is we trust some people more than others and so when I ask people who do you trust, I get these close tight personal relationships. Best friends, siblings, spouse parents.
When I flip the question and I say who trusts you? I get this sort of long pause and then people say, how do I know if someone trusts me or not? I'm a leader my subordinates can make themselves vulnerable by telling me what their real development needs are? By taking risks, making mistakes by pushing back against things that they don't think are going to work and coming up with Innovative Creative Solutions.
I believe that trust is a combination of uncertainty and vulnerability and in fact it's uncertainty times vulnerability. It gives us a level of perceived risk, we each have a threshold of risk that we're willing to tolerate. NFR perception of the risk goes beyond that threshold. We don't trust if it's beneath it then we do and so, building trust, actually becomes a fairly simple matter of understanding where does uncertainty come from. Where does vulnerability come from and how do I take steps to help people manage those.
Myrna: How do I build trust, or how do I trust someone? I believe that trust is earned. For instance, let's say we're starting off in a, business relationship, I am going to trust you until you burn me. I am going to trust you until I realize that you're stabbing me in the back. How does vulnerability comes into play?
Darryl: We start off in the world with a high level of trust and in most situations our parents go out of their way to make sure that we don't experience levels of vulnerability that are too high. They try to prevent us from being injured, they try to keep people from us who they don't think are safe and they keep an eye on situations where we might get burned.
So we learn over time about how much risk we're willing to tolerate and part of that's cultural and part of that's historic. The example you give of we we start with a new boss or a new team or a new set of co-workers yes there's a certain level of trust there and it's partly because we have these expectations that we're all sort of pulling in the same direction. We're all kind of on the same side and we dip our toe, we don't make ourselves incredibly vulnerable right away.
We accept a little bit of vulnerability as we come to understand them and I'm going to frame this in terms of relationships. Early in relationships we have high levels of uncertainty, which means we can only tolerate a small range of vulnerability and still fit beneath that threshold we're comfortable with. As we gain more experience that uncertainty starts to go down which means the range of vulnerability we can tolerate starts to grow.
There are three levers we can pull from the individual perspective, there's benevolence, integrity and ability.
Benevolence – is the belief you have my best interest at heart and then she'll actually work in my best interest.
Integrity – is do I follow through on my promises and do my actions line up with my values and abilities. Do I have the confidence to do what I say I'm going to do? So that boss has to have shown us at some point that their response is going to be supportive and helpful rather than angry and frustrated and that that they're going to tolerate mistakes.
Ability – As you learn and grow, I want to position you to succeed and I'm going to ask you to do something that's slightly outside your comfort zone and you come back to me and say, I may not get it perfect but I am goin to try.
Myrna: You also have a system that helps parents, build trust, with their children. One of the things that I know as a parent is that your kids are always watching. How do you teach parents to, build trust, with their children?
Darryl: I've actually written an article on this that's on my website at trustunlimited.com it's free if people want to go look for it it's in the blog section. It's on trust and parenting, but again it goes back to those levers. We explain the context so there are four levers within uncertainty. I believe that there are ten altogether that we can pull, and the four within uncertainty are benevolence, integrity, ability and context is the fourth lever.
So to the extent that our kids understand how we're constrained and what we can and can't do, and what the rules are for our family. Then they understand how we're going to behave, but we also need to be able to convince them that we have their best interests at heart. I talk about benevolence quite a bit and when I'm working with families, I'll ask them, who here has their kids best interest at heart and all the hands go up.
When I flipped that question and say how many of your kids would say that you have their best interest at heart? it's about a third and it's somewhat hesitant and so how do we make it obvious, how do we make it land? It doesn't mean always being nice. Benevolence is truly about having their best interest at heart.
Myrna: I'm loving this. We've talked about the office, we've talked about parents. Let's talk now about, building trust is personal relationships.
Darryl: How does trust evolve in, personal relationships? From the start it's going throughout that blend of uncertainty and vulnerability. In our relationships as uncertainty gets more and more compressed, as we become more and more convinced that we know the other person and how they're going to act, the range of vulnerability we can tolerate starts to really grow. In our deepest relationships, we've got very small levels of uncertainty which means we can be incredibly vulnerable with one another.
There can be things that happen to cause the uncertainty to rise for us which makes us uncomfortable. When I work with people around, how to, build trust, I focus in on the 10 levers that I talk about. Four of them are within uncertainty, two of them are within vulnerability, there's two within perceived outcomes because we interpret the world through stories.
I was working with a student in Luxembourg and I said, I want you to tell me a relationship that's really important to you and he said my girlfriend. I said great when you go home tonight you're going to say to your girlfriend, I was talking with Daryl today and he said that benevolence is really important to, building Trust, and that means having someone else's best interest at heart. He asked me about a relationship that really mattered to me and I said you.
Book Building Trust
Book: Building Trust Exceptional Leadership in an uncertain world
Darryl: It especially a leadership book, there's some personal stuff as well. I find the model holds. I had to pick somewhere to start. If I were to write another book, which I may, it would be around parenting and family. I wrote the book I put everything in there, there's no hidden messages that I've kept secret. I've put the whole model on, building trust, in the book. I've also talked through all 10 levers.
I've talked about how to pull those levers effectively, I've given examples and case studies of situations where those levers have been pulled and what we've done. So the intent of the book is to really scale things. I've also got a master class, it's about three hours in length. It's five minute segments that really walks people through trust and uses role plays and exercises to help people actually apply the skills.
Conclusion
Myrna: tell us about your website tell us about your course your social media handles
Darryl: You can reach out to me at Darryl@trustunlimited.com you can go to the website trustunlimited.com and there's a Blog section there with articles and some podcasts. There's a course, there the master class that's available and you can order the book anywhere online. People can reach out to me on LinkedIn.
Trust, is earned, trust, is central to every relationship and, trust, is about intention. We have, trust issues, when we have fear of betrayal, or abandonment. This fear is often triggered as a result of past betrayal e.g. a spouse cheating on you. Abandonment, e.g your parents left you with your grandparents and never came back.
In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna we look at 4 types of trust what they are and how you can cultivate them in your relationships to avoid, trust issues.
There are 4 types of trust are Care, competence, consistency, and character.
Let’s dissect each of these
Care – When we care about your partner, we put our emotions in their hands, they care about what's best for you and not what's best for them. They care about your well being. Examples of care are going beyond the call of duty to help you move, accompany you to a doctor’s appointment etc. We develop, trust issues, if when we need help, physical or emotional and no one is there to care for us.
A perfect example is if you have surgery and is totally dependent on your partner's help for basic services like bathing, toilet or food and they abandon you. You would be scared for life and develop major, trust issues, in the future.
Competence – The second type of trust is, competence. You trust that your partner is competent to handle financial matters. If you are sick, competence, to handle your care and make decisions that are best for you and not best for them. You, trust, their opinions and recommendations.
When you go into surgery that is life threatening, you will be asked to draw up a living will and a power of attorney. You need someone, competent, to handle not only the financial obligations but to talk to the doctors and make sure that you are receiving the best care.
Character – When we talk about, trust, we are usually talking about a high moral compass or the, character, of our partner. We look to these people when we are not sure what is right and follow their lead. These people practice what they preach and are valuable in interdependent relationships. They have good reputation, strong opinion, and down to earth advice. They are trustworthy.
In most cases, our romantic relationships suffer the most from our, trust issues, because of, character. A person's, character, prevent them from lying and cheating. Since, intimate relationships, are based on honesty and openness a partner who has, character, builds trust. This, trust, is the glue that binds the relationship, providing a positive emotional connection that’s rooted in affection, love, and loyalty.
Consistency – Your partner shows, consistency, when they are reliable, and you know that they always have your back. They may not be the expert, but they are reliable, present and available when you need them. They have been with you through highs and lows.
Trust issues, can be a sign that someone has experienced a significant amount of trauma — but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t working through their past experiences and learning, consistency. Trust issues, in a relationship can be hard for both partners to overcome, but with adequate support and communication channels, people with, trust issues, can have healthy, successful connections with partners — that aren’t ruled by their past.
Trust that people come into your life for a reason
These are the four types of trust that make, relationships, flourish.
People come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime
Some people come into your life for a season bringing change and excitement, but the relationship ends like all seasons do.
Another person might come in for a reason to help you learn and grow or to support you through a difficult time. It feels like they have been sent to guide you through.
And they are lifetime people they stand beside you through thick and thin loving you even when you have nothing to give them.
Love is a gift without any strings attached. Trust love.
Remember you are also a season, reason or lifetime partner to someone else and your role may not match theirs.
Pure trust, is when you know that another person has your back.
You develop, trust, by asking for what you want.
Tell them how you want to be loved.
Communicate the areas Where there is dissatisfaction
Build trust by telling your partner what would make you feel loved Thanks for tuning into 5 mins with coach Myrna I want to invite you to join my private Facebook group called life coach so that you can be inspired all week long. Until next time Namaste
