The voices in your head are also called your inner dialogue or self-talk. These voices are always talking; they are always commenting on everything you see. It is a running commentary. The more we try to shut them off, the louder they become. Today I want to bring awareness to these voices because whatever you say to your self is what you are creating.
Psychiatrists say we have 5 voices in our head and only one of them is the voice of God. We have to learn to distinguish between the ego voice and the voice of the holy spirit because listening to the wrong voice can steer you very wrong.
For example. I used to have a voice in my head that encouraged me to write notes to my boyfriends and husbands telling them what I think of them. I thought I was being real and factual, but those notes damaged my relationships. Now whenever the voice in my head tells me to write a note, I write it, but don’t send it!
I remember having foster children who stole and I would tell them whenever the voice in their head tell you to take something that does not belong to you then you talk back to this voice NO.
There are 5 voices that we can talk about and here are some thoughts about what they are and how to manage them. I call them the 5 C’s.
The first three voices are the broadly helpful voices – your Core voice from your higher self, your Confident voice and your Cautious voice.
The other two voices are the ones that can cause real issues. They are your Critical voice and your Conceited voice.
What the voices in your head tell you
This is the first way to silence the voices in your head by talking back to them. If the voice in your head is saying things like:
You can’t do it,
Your success is not going to last and you will be homeless again
You are never going to find someone to love you because you are not educated and can’t hold a conversation.
You have to talk back to this voice and tell it
“I am going to do it just watch me.”
My success may not last, but I am never going back to where I came from.
I will find someone to love me because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Another voice is the one that lists the issues on your mind or perhaps makes internal lists of things you need to accomplish. You may also talk to yourself when you’re preparing a speech or a presentation, where you “play” what you’re going to say in your mind ahead of time.
The negative self talk voice
The self talk voice is the voice that plays in my head the most. I am always having conversations with other people in my head. I remember once this girl said something to me that I couldn’t get out of my head for months. It was a negative comment and the voice in my head would replay it and replay it over and over again. It took up residence in my head. The more I tried to stop the replay the more it came back. I would even shake my head to get rid of this ANT which is automatic negative thoughts.
The volume of this particular ANT diminished over time but your ANT can be self-criticism and this is one way to silence this voice.
Write down your ANT in a notebook and them write responses to them. For example:
It could go something like this:
ANT: “I messed up at work. I’m probably going to get fired.”
Answer: “Mistakes happen. I do a good job one mistake is not going to get me fired.
ANT: “My son really acted up today. I’m not a good mom.”
Answer: “We all have bad days. I am doing the best that I can”
This is one way to rewind the negative tape playing in your head and record over it.
Strategies to silence the voice in your head
Some of the other ways to silence the voices in your head are:
You have to put word on word – decree and declare
My body is blessed
My mind is blessed
My marriage is blessed
Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
My children are blessed
My grandchildren are blessed
You have to silence the voice in your head by speaking back to them. Because you shall have whatever you say.
It you say that you will live all your life without love, then you will.
If you say to yourself that you will always be poor, that will be your experience.
You have to decree and declare like the apostle Paul said “When I get to the end of my life I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
Talk back to your negative voices
You need courage to continue when there is a threat. Don’t let the negative self-talk stop you from finishing the race.
What do you remember when things get tough?
Do you remember when God brought you out?
Do you remember when God made a way out of no way
Talk back to the voice in your head and say God chose me to go through this. If God thought I couldn’t handle it, he won’t let you go through it.
We can’t see the enemy but he is everywhere. We have to know the difference of being crushed by the Lord and being crushed by the world.
You cannot have change without disruption. Don’t be sidetracked by the disruption. Don’t let a disruption distract you from your purpose.
Tell yourself that in every disruption there is opportunity. Don’t fail to prepare for what’s next because you are focusing on what’s gone or the disruption.
Leaders are determined by how much you move things from one place to another moving the disruption to victory.
There is purpose in every disruption
When you have a purpose, no disruption can move you off your destiny.
T D Jakes says Once the grapes have been crushed you can’t get the juice back into the grapes.
If you want to be wine you have to be willing to give up being a grape.
You cannot have change without disruption.
The voices in your head area distraction, talk back to them or let ignore them. If you do this they will eventually go away!
Coach Myrna share some tools to help you build up your, self-confidence, and, self-esteem, while starving the negative self-talk. The negative self-talk that tells you, you are not good enough. You can never make it, you are not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.
Welcome to, Transformation Fridays, with Coach Myrna today I would like to teach on the topic how to, raise your self esteem, by erasing, self doubt.
First let me give you the definition of, self-confidence, self-confidence, is defined as a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment.
Self-esteem, is confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect. Pretty similar.
I was listening to a Ted talk video some time back and the speaker was telling his back story. He said for 10 years he smoked crack, when he woke up and before he went to bed every day. Hoping to numb the pain of living. He was a disappointment to his mother, his wife and his children. He felt worthless! So, no, self-esteem.
On his second trip to prison, he spent a total of 8 years in prison, his adopted mother had a heart attack and died. He felt pretty low that this woman who adopted him and loved him as her own and who tried to give him a better life, was now in the hospital, and he was not there to offer her comfort. The prison did not even allow him to go to her funeral. This was the first spark of change in him. Maybe he should do something with his life other than being a mess up.
When he got out of prison this time he decided to go to college. He was now a middle-aged black man and he was in college with 20-year-old white students. Never the less he did good and now looked forward to the accolades his teachers gave him because he was performing better than expected. He said that praise was now his new drug. He lived for his teachers praises. One day one of his teachers put an application for a job on his desk. He couldn’t believe it. His teacher had, confidence, in him, his teacher had confidence in his ability to do the job.
The, self-confidence, seedling inside him got water and grew a little. As his self-confidence grew his life changed. No longer was he a non-contributing member of society, he was making a contribution. He now had a new family and 7 years after he was released from prison, he received his PHD in Physiology!
Self confidence is needed for success
Self-confidence, doesn’t always come naturally. Sometimes you have to practice and practice until you build it. Sometimes it comes from your teachers, your parents, your friends or your boss.
So today I want to share some tools to help you build up your, self-confidence, and, self-esteem, while starving the negative self-talk. The negative self-talk that tells you, you are not good enough. You can never make it, you are not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.
But before we can get to the solution of anything or before we can get to anywhere on the map, we have to know how we got to where we are right now and pinpoint where we are.
For example. If you are at the mall and you are wanting to go to Macy’s department store you look at the map and it shows “You are here” if you want to get to Macy’s than you know you have to walk right or left. It is the same way in life.
Statics show that we can shed a lot of light on how we got here on the map by looking at our childhood. You see parenting does not come with a manual and some parents get it right; but most get it wrong.
We get our self esteem from our caregivers
Understanding your, inner child, is very important to unlocking the door of where you are on the map today. You see when you came into the world you were totally dependent on someone else to care for you. Not just to feed you, bathe you, and to keep you warm, but to love you, protect you and nurture you.
If whenever you cried your mother or caregiver came and picked you up and smiled at you and comforted you, then you transformed that into the feeling that you are important.
If, however when you cried you were ignored, then you formed the feeling that you were unwanted. Even though you have no memory of being a baby, your heart and your internal computers have a record of everything. A hypnotist can go back and pull it out. That is the root of, low self-esteem, and, self-doubt, that has now grown into an oak tree!
If you are listening to me and you are experiencing, low self-esteem, and, self-doubt, or you don’t understand why you are not getting the results you want. Why you are here on the map and you can never get over there. I challenge you to do the work find out why.
I was watching Oprah Super Soul Sunday a few months ago and she had a guest who talked about going back to your childhood home in your mind and looking out the window. What do you see?
Looking out your childhood window
I grew up poor in Guyana but with a lot of love. When I looked through the window of the room, we lived in. I saw that even though I was poor, I had hope, I had love, I had friends, and I was happy. I saw that I had, self-confidence, because I did well in school and I had many boyfriends. I had, self-confidence, because I believed I was intelligent like my dad who was a professor.
What do you see when you look through the window of your childhood home? Can you find the root of your, lack of self-confidence, and, self-doubt?
Here are a few reasons we develop low self-esteem
We were inadequately nurtured as children.
We could have absorbed negative messages about ourselves and it still resides in the core of our beings.
Parents or teachers extremely critical.
Poor academic performance in school.
Did not fit in either because of looks or clothing or religion.
Trauma, Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse can all significantly affect our feelings of self-worth. If you find yourself replaying memories of abuse or otherwise feeling tormented by or ashamed of your experiences, please consider seeking treatment from a licensed clinician.
Parenting style. The way we were treated in our family of origin can affect us long after childhood. For instance, if you had a parent who constantly belittled you, compared you to others, or told you that you would never amount to anything, you likely carry those messages with you today. A parent’s struggles with, mental health, and substance abuse can also change your relationship with the world.
Bullying, harassment, and humiliation.Childhood bullying can leave a mark on your confidence when it comes to looks, intellectual and athletic abilities, and other areas of your life. Humiliating experiences in adulthood, including workplace harassment or a peer group that disrespects or demeans you, can also make you less willing to speak up for yourself or pursue ambitious goals.
Gender, race, and sexual orientation. Scores of studies show women are socialized to worry more about how they’re perceived and, therefore, to take fewer risks. Racial and cultural background and sexual orientation can make a difference, too. If you’ve been on the receiving end of discrimination, you may have internalized some negative, untrue messages about your potential and whether you “belong.”
When we grow our, self-esteem, we expand our capacity for happiness.
Here are 3 benefits of high self esteem
The higher your, self-esteem, the more equipped you are to handle life’s adversities.
The higher your, self-esteem, the more ambitious you are not necessary in a career; but in forming healthy relationships and not repeating destructive patterns.
The higher your, self-esteem, the more likely you are to form nourishing bonds with others.
Higher, self esteem, enables you to love yourself.
How do you know if you love yourself?
Ask yourself these questions?
• Do I take care of myself?
• Do I make being healthy a priority?
• Am I stretching and challenging myself to be better than I am today?
• Am I living life with passion or am I just passing through?
If you answered No to any of these questions then you need to make some changes in your life before you get to 80 years old and realize that you never lived.
You have to protect your dreams by plucking up the weeds before they grow. They will come. Self-doubt, always comes; but you have to pluck them out by speaking of your goals and doing something to get you moving towards the place on the map you want to go.
That is why you have to know where you are so you won’t move in the opposite direction.
First Think it. There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. William Shakespeare.
Rhonda Bryne of the secret says “What you think about you bring about”
Your thoughts affect your attitude your, self-confidence, your mood, and there is a direct relationship to your thoughts and your experiences in life.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents would tell not to hang around Johnny or Jane? They did not know why; but they knew that if you kept company with Johnny or Jane, no good would come of you.
In the same way if you keep replaying negative emotions in your head such as fear, discontent, anger, jealousy, insecurities, blame etc. then no good will come of you because you will keep attracting more negative energy to your experience.
Erase negative thoughts to erase self doubt
But let’s say you are wanting that promotion and you see yourself in this new role and you are confident that you will get this promotion then you will. You might not get it at your first try but if you keep trying and never give up it will be yours eventually; conversely, if you want this promotion; but you place road blocks in your path such as any and all negative thoughts, then chances are you will never attract this reality into your experience.
When we think, our thoughts become like magnets and attract, and then attach to like thoughts. That is why what you think about you bring about.
Nothing shows up in our life unless we attract it.
We have all seen the power of the Law of attraction in motion when if we have something bad happen to us at the beginning of the day, bad things keep on happening for the rest of the day.
So, it is very important to watch what you think.
Now let’s take a look at Speak it.
The spoken word is a powerful tool and by leveraging your voice you expand your dreams from internal thoughts to external possibilities, laying the ground work for divine purpose to manifest. Deepak Chopra
When you take your thoughts, which are formless and speak them into the atmosphere you give them form. This empowers them.
Think it, speak it, do it
“Talk happiness; talk faith; talk health. Say you are well, and all will be well with you. God shall hear your words and make them true.” Ella Wheeler Wilcox
So, remember to speak it. Tell a friend or your coach of your intentions.
And lastly “just do it.” Nike made this phrase popular but it applies to more than athletics. Just do it. There will never be a better time than the present.
“He who waits to do a great deal of good at once will never do anything.”
― Samuel Johnson
So “just do it.” Think about something you have been thinking of doing for some time. Tell someone about it and then take the first step. It does not have to be a giant step. It could be as simple as doing research or taking that nice red Mercedes out for a test drive; but it will be a step in the right direction.
I hope my presentation was thought provoking. These are the principles I live by and I attract all that I want into my experience; so give it a try.
If you lacked self-confidence or self-esteem I hope this episode gave you a starting point to change your thinking because when you transform your mind you will transform your life.
To me the most important thing about that Ted talk, the reason I did that talk has over 20 million views is because I struggled with, self-confidence. I had to, build self-confidence so I sat on the bench of a soccer team. I got kicked out of University. When you grow up as a black man in a white man’s world, you’re always not feeling like you’re quite up to it. ~ Dr Ivan Joseph
Dr Ivan Joseph was born in Guyana, South America, my birth country. He immigrated to Toronto, Canada at the age of 5. I immigrated to Toronto, Canada as well but at the age of 17. As he became a young man of color, he often felt disenfranchised and disconnected. But he excelled in sports and attended a small University in Iowa on an athletic scholarship, then achieved his Master’s Degree, and a PhD in psychology. This lead to him becoming a professor, AND being awarded Coach of the Year. For ten years he was the Director of Athletics for Ryerson University in Toronto, and spearheaded the 100 million dollar renovation of the iconic Maple Leaf Gardens. Dr Ivan is now the Vice Provost of Student Affairs at Dalhousie University, one of Canada’s most distinguished and competitive institutions. ”
Introduction to, Self-Confidence Definition
Self-confidence definition, is the genuine belief in your ability to accomplish the task at hand. Everybody needs to understand that you may have all the talent in the world, you may be the most beautiful person in the world, the smartest person in the world, the strongest person in the world; but if you don’t have this genuine belief that you have that skill, you will never put your hand up to answer the question in the math class or sit on the board, or volunteer to be the do the presentation, or choose to join the team.
Myrna – What was your journey from an immigrant boy and a man of color and then transcending that to becoming a doctor, a performance coach, a Tedx speaker, an author?
Dr Ivan – l think like many immigrants who come to North America whether that be your audience, that’s American or my audience that’s Canadian, we all choose to leave our countries of birth for hopefully a better future.
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There’s something that’s grounded in all of us that chose the country of citizenship and that is a desire to achieve. We were not comfortable or we were not content with what we had and discontent drives us. That desire is to be better and to pay it forward for our families. Those parents who are immigrants who grew up as kids, we are drilled with that constant mantra you need to be twice as good. It’s not good enough to be average, you need to get an A.
You could end up internalizing that message where you’re never quite good enough and that is where a lack of, self-confidence, gets rooted. Great jobs will pass you by because you don’t have the, self-confidence, to go after it. So you’re pushed to the corners or to the edges of society. You start to not achieve what you may have achieved if you had, self-confidence, whether that’s from your own internal belief or from society.
All of us will fail in life at some time. When you fail, you hang on to that failure and it becomes paralyzing. You’re then not willing to take the next risk to achieve. It took me many strikeouts, to use my sports analogies, or swinging and missing to succeed. With every success I , build self-confidence, was tapped up.
How do we, Build Self-confidence?
Myrna – As I was preparing mentally for this interview I asked myself how I, build self-confidence? I think I have been, self-confident, all my life and I was wondering how I, build self-confident, and my own response was that life experience was my confidence builder. If somebody tells you that you’re good at something or somebody tells you you’re pretty or you get good grades in school, you start, building self-confidence, that you can do most things.
Dr Ivan – One of the things about, build self-confidence, is the more you achieve the more it grows. The more you achieve the bigger it gets. You’ll get your opportunity, you’ll get your promotion and then you start all over and your, self- confidence, will wane.
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How Does, Build Self-confidence, Equal High Performance?
Myrna – So let’s transition to our, build self-confidence, topic.
Why do you believe, building self-confidence, optimism, grit, and resilience are fundamental skills in achieving high performance goals?
Dr Ivan – If you don’t believe in yourself, you will not put yourself in front of anybody and risk failure. So the genuine belief is the foundational cornerstone of success. We can all outwork and learn to do whatever we want, given enough time; but if we’re not willing, really willing to put ourselves out there, it doesn’t matter how talented we are.
Myrna – I understand not having the, self-confidence, to do a job or not having the, self- confidence, that you’re gonna win the race or not having the, confidence, when you’re down 20 points in the fourth quarter and have the, confidence, that you can still win because I’ve seen that happen.
But what I don’t understand is why women can be beautiful, have a great body and don’t have the, self-confidence, that they can walk in a room and own it. Instead they don’t project anything, they don’t protect any energy. They want to be in the corner, and then you have the woman who is not by standards attractive; but she walks in a room and she feels that she’s got it and you know she gets the guys. Because guys think that, self-confidence, is sexy.
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Why do we Lack, Self-confidence?
Dr Ivan – Well I’ll never comment on a woman’s appearance or looks. What I would say that anybody whether it’s a female or a male or an athlete or a young girl or a young man. It’s the measuring stick that they’re using to measure themselves against. This is key. If I’m measuring myself up to Denzel Washington, I may never feel like I’m good enough. It’s human nature to always be in competition and in comparison with others. Whether it’s the Joneses next door, whether it’s what you did last week, we are always looking at how we compare and stack up.
So your message to the young woman who may not be attractive, or the gentleman who may not be as smart, or the person who doesn’t think they have as much as the next person; you can’t tell them they are attractive or smart, they won’t believe it.
This is why we have to start with this genuine belief and, self-confidence. We’ll call this maladaptive perfectionism. This is when you have an unrealistic understanding of what perfectionism is or excellence is and you chase that almost impossible thing.
Myrna – What about optimism and the gift of resilience to achieve, high performance goals?
Dr Ivan – Optimism and, build self-confidence, takes you to the next level. You believe that you can make it. You’re, confident, you may have setbacks, you may fail or flounder; but this is where grit comes into play. Grit, is the genuine belief in your ability to accomplish the task despite setbacks.
The only way to develop, grit, in order to achieve your goals is to experience failure. There is no other way to grow, grit, and resilience than to sit and be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
So many people out there won’t ever achieve, because they are so caught up with the embarrassment of failure.
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How to, Build Self-Confidence, Resilience and Grit
Dr Ivan – One of the first things you have to recognize is that your thoughts influence your beliefs which influence your actions. It’s this whole cyclical self-fulfilling prophecy. What you tell yourself you become, so you gotta stop the negative talk like:
Oh my God I look terrible in this dress.
or I’m never going to get this Job
Or I’m not as smart as these folks
I can’t do this, I’m no good
We keep saying these things to ourselves and they beat us up, so you got To Stop the negative talk.
3 Centering Mantras to, Build Self-Confidence.
In my book I teach some centering exercises to help stop the negative self talk and, build self-confidence
Positive statements or mantras help replace the negative self talk.
Replace the negative self talk with a positive statement or an affirmation e.g
I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate.
Nobody outworks me,
I can learn anything.
Mantras to, Build self-confidence:
1 – “MY TIME IS TOO VALUABLE TO WASTE IT WORRYING ABOUT THE THINGS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.”
2 – “THE OUTER IS ALWAYS A REFLECTION OF THE INNER.”
3 – “I TAKE NOTHING PERSONALLY.”
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If you’re an entrepreneur, affirmations lead to a 36 to 37 percent increase in revenue.
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Myrna – I’m a big believer in positive self-talk. I fluctuate back and forth about affirmations; but I know as a Life Coach, that you should speak it until you believe it. Sooner or later if you keep on speaking it, you will start to believe it.
Dr Ivan – In sports we call it the as if principle. Act as if you already have it.
Myrna – How can we , build self-confidence, and develop a winner’s mindset?
How, Building Self-confidence, contributes to a Winners Mindset
Dr Ivan – I think a, winner’s mindset, and, self-confidence, go hand in hand. I’ll flip your question around and say, build self-confidence, helps you build a winner’s mindset.
Write a letter to yourself about all the things you’re great at. There’s going to be times when you feel like you can’t do it and you need to change that. Take that letter and read it to yourself and whatever that letter says congratulate yourself on it’s accomplishment.
Write that letter to yourself because, there will be times when people tell you you can’t do it.
When you feel like you can’t do it, that, winner’s mindset, will be turned on. The other way to build that, winner’s mindset, is to be careful and be intentional about the company you choose.
Myrna – I know personally that will work because how did we start off our conversation?
Saying that, self-confidence, comes from past experience.
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Mastering the, Skill of Self-confidence
Tell us about your book “You’ve got this: Mastering the, Skill of Self-Confidence” I know that your TedX on the, Skill of Self-confidence, has over 19 million views. Why do you think that talk resonated with so many people and did you put some of that content in your book?
Dr Ivan – To me the most important thing about that Ted talk, the reason I did that talk was because I struggled with, build self-confidence. I sat on the bench of a soccer team, I got kicked out of University. When you grow up as a black man in a white man’s world, you’re always not feeling like you’re quite up to it.
One day when my wife came to me, she was my girlfriend at the time and she realized after I’d been sitting on the bench, that she saw me practice and said I was terrible. She had already seen me play a really good game and she said to me.
“What happened to your game? You let that man define your sense of self-worth. Didn’t you tell me that he didn’t play high level Soccer? That you’ve been coached by some of the best?”
I realized I had given my power away and that affected my performance, because I didn’t believe I was good any good anymore. I stopped that very day and changed my mindset. I went on to start to play like I was meant to play, I became the captain of that team playing in the all-conference finals.
It wasn’t that man who belittled me, I belittled myself. There’s always going to be people who don’t believe in you, it’s your job to change that person’s mindset, not to fulfill their belief prophecy about you.
So the reason that TedX talk resonates with everybody is that we all have feelings of Self-doubt. We all need to, build self-confidence.
I’m not smart enough
I’m not rich enough
I’m not skinny enough
I don’t look good here
My teeth aren’t this
You get the new job and you’re great but then you get the promotion
I don’t know if I can do it
I don’t think I can do it
What I did with the book, was I shared some of that Ted talk and I went even further to create exercises, practical pieces and workshops in that book as a self-help guide about how to go about, building self-confidence.
I teach about higher expectations, talking about skill and mastery. Listeners of the podcast will get a 20% discount using the coupon code Myrna
To order click the link below
If you go on the website and order the book, I’ll give you the course materials. I think it’s a great opportunity for people who want to grow and learn how to develop their, self- confidence, to improve their performance.
Follow Dr Ivan Joseph on Linkedin, Twitter and Instagram
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