In the intricate tapestry of personal and parental relationships, building trust, is the cornerstone upon which strong bonds are formed. This blog delves into the delicate art of building and nurturing trust with benevolence and integrity. Join us on this exploration of trust's transformative power, and uncover the keys to forging lasting connections that stand the test of time.
Daryl stickle is one of the world's leading experts in trust with over 20 years experience his PhD building trust in hostile environments. Duke University established him as a global leader for governments and businesses. His unpractical approaches to, building trust, that has worked for McKinsey and Company in their Toronto office as well as advise the Canadian military on, building trust, in Afghanistan. He has served as faculty for the Luxembourg School of Business and the Center for Effective organized organizations at the University of Southern California and recently completed his book Building Trust Exceptional Leadership in an Uncertain world.
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Myrna: maybe we can lay some foundations of how that can happen for anybody that's listening, but I know that you help leaders and organizations. I understand you have a structured and systematic approach that helps leaders to build trust.
Building Trust in the Corporate World
Darryl: I and I also do work with families trying to help them understand, how to build stronger relationships. For me trust is a willingness to make ourselves vulnerable, when we can't completely predict how someone else is going to behave.
If I'm a leader, how do I know if people trust me? I'll ask these questions. One of the challenges we face is just a lack of awareness about who we trust and how much. If I asked you, do you trust me? You'd feel awkward right? It's awkward to say no, because that would be rude and it might trigger an inappropriate response.
Our head goes to this place where we either trust people or we don't, it's a dichotomous variable, like an old-time light switch. The reality is we trust some people more than others and so when I ask people who do you trust, I get these close tight personal relationships. Best friends, siblings, spouse parents.
When I flip the question and I say who trusts you? I get this sort of long pause and then people say, how do I know if someone trusts me or not? I'm a leader my subordinates can make themselves vulnerable by telling me what their real development needs are? By taking risks, making mistakes by pushing back against things that they don't think are going to work and coming up with Innovative Creative Solutions.
I believe that trust is a combination of uncertainty and vulnerability and in fact it's uncertainty times vulnerability. It gives us a level of perceived risk, we each have a threshold of risk that we're willing to tolerate. NFR perception of the risk goes beyond that threshold. We don't trust if it's beneath it then we do and so, building trust, actually becomes a fairly simple matter of understanding where does uncertainty come from. Where does vulnerability come from and how do I take steps to help people manage those.
Myrna: How do I build trust, or how do I trust someone? I believe that trust is earned. For instance, let's say we're starting off in a, business relationship, I am going to trust you until you burn me. I am going to trust you until I realize that you're stabbing me in the back. How does vulnerability comes into play?
Darryl: We start off in the world with a high level of trust and in most situations our parents go out of their way to make sure that we don't experience levels of vulnerability that are too high. They try to prevent us from being injured, they try to keep people from us who they don't think are safe and they keep an eye on situations where we might get burned.
So we learn over time about how much risk we're willing to tolerate and part of that's cultural and part of that's historic. The example you give of we we start with a new boss or a new team or a new set of co-workers yes there's a certain level of trust there and it's partly because we have these expectations that we're all sort of pulling in the same direction. We're all kind of on the same side and we dip our toe, we don't make ourselves incredibly vulnerable right away.
We accept a little bit of vulnerability as we come to understand them and I'm going to frame this in terms of relationships. Early in relationships we have high levels of uncertainty, which means we can only tolerate a small range of vulnerability and still fit beneath that threshold we're comfortable with. As we gain more experience that uncertainty starts to go down which means the range of vulnerability we can tolerate starts to grow.
There are three levers we can pull from the individual perspective, there's benevolence, integrity and ability.
Benevolence – is the belief you have my best interest at heart and then she'll actually work in my best interest.
Integrity – is do I follow through on my promises and do my actions line up with my values and abilities. Do I have the confidence to do what I say I'm going to do? So that boss has to have shown us at some point that their response is going to be supportive and helpful rather than angry and frustrated and that that they're going to tolerate mistakes.
Ability – As you learn and grow, I want to position you to succeed and I'm going to ask you to do something that's slightly outside your comfort zone and you come back to me and say, I may not get it perfect but I am goin to try.
Myrna: You also have a system that helps parents, build trust, with their children. One of the things that I know as a parent is that your kids are always watching. How do you teach parents to, build trust, with their children?
Darryl: I've actually written an article on this that's on my website at trustunlimited.com it's free if people want to go look for it it's in the blog section. It's on trust and parenting, but again it goes back to those levers. We explain the context so there are four levers within uncertainty. I believe that there are ten altogether that we can pull, and the four within uncertainty are benevolence, integrity, ability and context is the fourth lever.
So to the extent that our kids understand how we're constrained and what we can and can't do, and what the rules are for our family. Then they understand how we're going to behave, but we also need to be able to convince them that we have their best interests at heart. I talk about benevolence quite a bit and when I'm working with families, I'll ask them, who here has their kids best interest at heart and all the hands go up.
When I flipped that question and say how many of your kids would say that you have their best interest at heart? it's about a third and it's somewhat hesitant and so how do we make it obvious, how do we make it land? It doesn't mean always being nice. Benevolence is truly about having their best interest at heart.
Myrna: I'm loving this. We've talked about the office, we've talked about parents. Let's talk now about, building trust is personal relationships.
Darryl: How does trust evolve in, personal relationships? From the start it's going throughout that blend of uncertainty and vulnerability. In our relationships as uncertainty gets more and more compressed, as we become more and more convinced that we know the other person and how they're going to act, the range of vulnerability we can tolerate starts to really grow. In our deepest relationships, we've got very small levels of uncertainty which means we can be incredibly vulnerable with one another.
There can be things that happen to cause the uncertainty to rise for us which makes us uncomfortable. When I work with people around, how to, build trust, I focus in on the 10 levers that I talk about. Four of them are within uncertainty, two of them are within vulnerability, there's two within perceived outcomes because we interpret the world through stories.
I was working with a student in Luxembourg and I said, I want you to tell me a relationship that's really important to you and he said my girlfriend. I said great when you go home tonight you're going to say to your girlfriend, I was talking with Daryl today and he said that benevolence is really important to, building Trust, and that means having someone else's best interest at heart. He asked me about a relationship that really mattered to me and I said you.
Book Building Trust
Book: Building Trust Exceptional Leadership in an uncertain world
Darryl: It especially a leadership book, there's some personal stuff as well. I find the model holds. I had to pick somewhere to start. If I were to write another book, which I may, it would be around parenting and family. I wrote the book I put everything in there, there's no hidden messages that I've kept secret. I've put the whole model on, building trust, in the book. I've also talked through all 10 levers.
I've talked about how to pull those levers effectively, I've given examples and case studies of situations where those levers have been pulled and what we've done. So the intent of the book is to really scale things. I've also got a master class, it's about three hours in length. It's five minute segments that really walks people through trust and uses role plays and exercises to help people actually apply the skills.
Conclusion
Myrna: tell us about your website tell us about your course your social media handles
Darryl: You can reach out to me at Darryl@trustunlimited.com you can go to the website trustunlimited.com and there's a Blog section there with articles and some podcasts. There's a course, there the master class that's available and you can order the book anywhere online. People can reach out to me on LinkedIn.
In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, I share how to use, the power of the now, to change dysfunctional negative relationships into positive ones and how to use the, power of now, to transform your relationships.
Relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives, and it's easy to let them get out of control. Today we study Eckhart Tolle's book “The Power of The Now” on how to improve your relationships. By learning how to use the power of now, you'll be able to align yourself with what's really important in your life, and your relationships will start to improve as a result.
Eckhart Tolle says that everything happens in the now. There is only one point of access and it is the now. And until you access the now, all relationships are deeply flawed. They may seem perfect for a moment when you are in love, but that perfection is lost when disappointment and dissatisfaction set in. If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most love relationships become love hate relationships.
Relationships bloom when we access the power of now
If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most, love relationships, become, love-hate relationships.
When we don’t access, the power of the now, love can turn to hate with the flick of a switch.
Sometimes the relationship continues for a while between the polarities of love and hate. It gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain.
Some couples get addicted to the drama because it makes them feel alive, but when the negative events occur with increasing frequency, the relationship collapses
Here is some, relationship advice, you may think that if you remove the, negative cycles, then the relationship would flower beautifully, but this is not the case. The polarities are mutually interdependent, you cannot have one without the other. The reason we want to be in the now in our relationships is that you can’t access the, pain body, of what he did to me and then bring it forward and relive the pain.
The, power of the now, means unless the event is happening now, it is in the past. The reason Eckhart Tolle teaches that the polarities are mutually interdependent is because your pain feed his pain. Your triggers, trigger his triggers.
The Power of the now eliminates dysfunctional relationships
The negative side of a relationship is more easily recognized as dysfunctional. It is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner, than to see it for yourself. Negativity and your past pain can show up in many forms in your relationship as:
possessiveness,
jealousy,
control,
withdrawal,
resentment,
the need to be right,
insensitivity and self-absorption,
emotional demand’s,
manipulation,
the urge to criticize,
judge, blame, anger, and unconscious revenge.
Quite a list. None of these things happen in, the now.
The positive side can be just as bad. This is the, power of love. When you are in love, someone needs you, wants you and makes you feel special. The feelings of being in love can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.
You become addicted to the other person; he acts on you like a drug. Even the thought of that person no longer loving you, illicit jealousy, emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing, because of fear of loss.
If the other person does leave you, it can lead to the most intense pain from grief or the most intense hostility. Was this love in the first place or just addictive clinging?
Then , survival relationships, comes along. It seems to meet all your needs, at least that is how it appears at first. You now have a new focal point, the person who defines your identity. The person you are in love with. Your world now has a center again, you are loved.
Then there becomes a point when your partner fails to meet your needs. The feelings of fear and lack now resurface, they had been covered up by the love relationship. Like any drug, you are on a high until the drug no longer works for you. When the feelings of fear return, you feel them stronger than they were before and you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. You attack your partner and this awakens their own, pain body, and he may counter your attack. Every attack is manipulation to get your partner to change their behavior.
This is because you refuse to work through your pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever you are addicted to, whether it be alcohol, food, shopping, sex you are using something or someone to cover up your pain.
That is why there is so much pain and unhappiness in, romantic relationships. Romantic relationships, do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.
Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. 3 failed marriages are a source of awakening more than if you shut yourself off in a room and refuse to engage in a relationship.
The power of the now, must be strong enough so you don’t get taken over by the thinker or the, pain body.
Bringing, the power of the now, to your relationship means, first you stop judging yourself then you stop judging your partner.
The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is without needing to judge or change them in any way.
You are in a, love relationship, if that person feels the same way about you; other than that you are in a relationship with yourself. Don’t let this love turn into a, love- hate relationship, by constantly bringing up the past. Embrace, the power of the now.
Help me, makeover my marriage, improve intimacy, find personal time and communicate better with my, husband. Communication, is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors, say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”
Welcome to the premiere episode of, Help Me Makeover My Marriage. Today we are going to talk about, communication, in a marriage.
I'm your host Life coach Myrna Young, my guest today is Michele Brunson and together we want to share our experiences in our, marriages, to help you, makeover my marriage.
Listen to the full Episode Here:
I can be called the Marrying Woman
I have been married four times so you can call me a, marrying woman, for a total of 30 years. Michele has been married for 25 years. Her husband died last year, we give her our condolences.
We want to help you to with your, marriage makeover. A lot of times when things are not going right in our, marriage, or our, relationships, we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, so we think I'm going to be able to find someone better, but I'll tell you,
“The grass is never greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.”
Wherever you put your attention on, wherever you put your focus on is definitely what's going to grow. So Michelle and I will give you, marriage advice, and strategies to help you to, makeover my marriage.
Treat your husband according to knowledge
The reason we're saying that, you need to be the change you seek, is because I've always remembered what my Pastor Tony said to me years ago, maybe about 20 years ago. A lot of times we don’t use knowledge and knowledge is never useful until used. Pastor Tony said to me. “Whenever I go to God, I never ask him to change my, wife, I ask him to change me.”
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The reason that’s important is because like me and most of you, we're always blaming our, husbands, or our partners for whatever is wrong in our, relationships. I am in my fourth, marriage, now as I said before and I came into this, marriage, with all kinds of expectations.
I was in my 40's when I got, married, this last time, so I had a lot of stuff that came with me.
Baggage and expectations and I brought it all into my, marriage, and we started having all the same problems again because you are the common denominator if you have multiple, marriages, and everything follows you.
When I decided to change ME my, marriage, started getting better. This was 20 years after I heard that advice, a lot of times we have knowledge and we don't actually use it. My current teacher, Pastor Glover would say
“treat your, husband, like he's your king and love him the way you want to be loved.”
So that's what I did and a remarkable thing happened! I found out that I enjoyed serving my, husband, I enjoyed treating my, husband, like my king and our relationship started to mend, because I was no longer pointing fingers. I was no longer you not talking to him because of something he wasn't doing.
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So, in this episode and subsequent episodes we're going to give you information on how to change YOU, because it all starts with you.
In this first segment of “Help Me Makeover My Marriage,” we're going to do a question and answer, later segments we'll have guests come on the show. Today we are gonna start with questions that was sent into us from my Facebook group called Lifecoach
Help me Makeover my Marriage and get Intimacy Back
Our first question comes from Debbie in Miami, Florida. Debbie writes:
I've been married for 12 years my, husband, and I have two children ages 7 and 10. I immersed myself in the role of mother and, wife, as a, stay-at-home mom, while my, husband, worked full-time and saw his role as the provider.
As a, stay-at-home mom, I rarely took time for myself and began to resent my, husband, for not helping with the kids and not paying me any attention. Our, intimacy, suffered and my resentment built up. I even started looking outside the, marriage, for fulfillment.
Debbie’s asks, Help me, makeover my marriage, and recapture, intimacy?
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Myrna – Debbie I had a similar experience with my second, husband, and my, marriage, ended
because I built up resentment and never communicated this to my, husband. The situation was reversed. I was the breadwinner making most of the money and he sat around doing nothing because he told me that housework and looking after the kids was women's work.
So, here I was paying all the bills and I was being treated like the maid. I built up resentment and that, marriage, eventually ended, but now I know better. Again knowledge is only powerful when you use it. Now I know that what Debbie should do is to ask for help. She should say to her, husband.
“Babe I know that you work all day and you're the provider for this family and we made this contract that I'm going to be a, stay-at-home mom, but I need a break. Can you help out?”
I need you to help around the house. I need you to help with the kids, because being a mom is a full-time job. He goes to work from nine to five and then he's off, but a mom is always on the job, it's a full-time job. Maybe also get a babysitter for kids every two weeks or something and have date night so, that you guys can be together without the kids and recapture, intimacy.
So my advice to you would be to Help, makeover my marriage, is:
First of all ask for what you want
And second, make the time to do your part.
If you have the, intention, that you are gonna love your, husband, and you're gonna appreciate him for being the breadwinner, because that's what he is, and you show him appreciation, he will give you back love.
Michelle what would you say to Debbie from your experience? Mitchell is actually an Intercessor, so maybe you can bring in a biblical touch or scripture from the bible that can help Debbie, makeover my marriage.
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Michele – Myrna I want to thank you for having me on your show. My advice to Debbie to help her, makeover my marriage, would first off be pray for your, husband, first because most, wives, don't start there. Pray for your, husband, because God is his creator and he will change any situation concerning your, husband, and if your, husband, is providing for the family no, husband, wants to come home after fighting all day at work and have to fight with his, wife.
So, the first thing that she needs to do is have peace in her home, if her, husband, is providing and it's for a season, because like you said y'all in this contract together and you chose to be a, stay-at-home mom.
Another, marriage advice, would be to have a schedule because some women don't know how to have a schedule. Monday you might do one thing, Tuesday something else. Don't try to do everything all at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed and burnt out.
If you feel mis-valued in your, marriage, you should have, communication, with your, husband, about it. You should value one another, you value him as your king. Once you start with valuing your, husband, and appreciating him for who he is. He's going out there making it happen every day and providing for you and the kids, you should make him feel comfortable in his own home.
Marriage Makeover Wives become a Woman of Noble Character
As, wives, we create the atmosphere in the home. I would have her reflect on Proverbs 31:
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
12. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
13. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
14. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
16. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
18. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
21. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
26. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
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Myrna – That's what we fail to do sometimes as women, we forget to take care of ourselves. Self-care, is very important and that's what she's lacking, because she's so consumed with looking after the kids she's not doing, self-care. Self-care, also leads to, intimacy, because if you look good you're going to feel good and your, husband, is going to feel that, sexual energy.
What advice do you give Debbie for re-establishing, intimacy, with her husband?
A practical way couples can rebuild, marital intimacy, is through cultivating nonsexual, affectionate touch: sitting close to one another on the couch, hugging, holding hands, loving kisses and caresses. For some couples who have experienced a drop in, intimacy, engaging in sexual intercourse can seem like a bridge too far. Help them get there by encouraging them to simply embrace and touch one another. Affectionate embraces from a spouse can communicate deeply of care and love in, marriage, without the encumbrance or burden that every touch signals one spouse’s desire for sex.
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I have always scheduled personal time with my husband, even when we go on vacations.
One time we take the kids and one time we go alone. Women do not understand that they need personal time alone with their spouse without the kids to keep, intimacy, alive.
Help me Makeover My Marriage Personal Time
Michele – I would get up before everybody else in the house got up for my, personal time, of prayer because that really set up my entire day. Once you pray and set the environment, your day will be less stressful.
Myrna – That's good, marriage advice, a lot of women take time for, self-care, at the end of the night when the kids are in bed.
Before we go to the next question let's circle back to reiterate that, wives, got to appreciate their, husbands, for what he does for the family. In this case Debbie need to show appreciation for her, husband, as the breadwinner.
Makeover My Marriage – Intimacy
Our next question for Help me, makeover my marriage, comes from Hollis in Atlanta, Georgia. Hollis writes I have been married for 10 years, my, husband, and I have a good, marriage, not great because he does not like to talk. The slightest disagreement sends him into his, man cave, and I can't reach him or get him to talk, Help me, makeover my marriage, and improve my, communication, with my, husband.
Help me Makeover My Marriage: Communication
Like I said earlier the, marriage advice, that I'm giving is, marriage tips, that I can pull from my personal, marriage, experience. Right now I'm married to a man who does not like to talk and i like to talk. So normally I would lead the conversation and he would sit there and listen, then I would say you know conversation is a dialogue and he would say I'm listening to you.
But recently I changed that model. I just finished reading the book “What Happened to You” By Oprah Winfrey and Dr Perry. Dr Perry was explaining why kids who experienced trauma don’t talk.
Dr Perry discovered that not even trained therapists can get these kids to talk until they are ready. You just have to give them time and space. Sometimes it means sitting or doing projects in total silence. When they are ready to talk, they will talk.
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So I used that information and now when I sit with my husband, I just let there be space and whenever he's ready to talk then he will talk. It's very uncomfortable for me because I like to talk. But I did and so far this approach is working. We have had some good conversations from this approach.
Communication, is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors, say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”
Help me Makeover My Marriage and get my Husband out of his Man Cave
Michelle what was your experience with your, husband, with, communication. Did he go in to a , man cave?
Michelle – First of all, we all have different temperaments and personalities, my, husband, was more of a, phlegmatic. Phlegmatics have an unemotional and stolidly calm disposition.
So he was a laid-back, easygoing type of guy.
It's been said that a woman speaks a thousand more words than the man so, I would just find something that interests him to talk about. Most men don't analyze things the way we do and they're not as emotional as we are. We like to talk about everything and they don't always understand why we need to always be talking.
Myrna – So let's say that you wanted to talk to your, husband, about quality time, for example, or something that's going on in your, relationship, did you start the conversation talking to him about something he likes to talk about and then kind of steer the conversation to quality time?
Michelle – Our quality time was watching TV together or shopping for groceries.
Myrna – Okay I was just using quality time as a placeholder for any conversation you want to have with your husband that was important.
For example, once in a while I would want to talk to my, husband, about where our, marriage, is going or where we see ourselves in 10 to 15 years from now, or something like that.
I am a Life coach right and I want to steer the conversation in that direction my, husband, would push back and say you're not my coach!
So getting back to Hollis’s question. What advice would you give to move her, husband, out of his, man cave, and get him to open up?
Husbands need to process things longer than Wives
Michelle – I would tell her that men have to process things, so I would give him time.
If they had a conflict or something, men and women process differently. Wives, want an answer right then while, husbands, might take a day or two to process before they want to discuss the situation.
Myrna – I like that answer, give them time to process. I would add give them space to process. Don’t go into their, man cave, and harass them. Let them be until they are ready to come out.
In the meantime don't withhold love or affection.
Even though we're not talking about a physical, man cave, even though some men have a physical space they hide out in, we are talking about going into the mental, man cave.
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In this premier episode of, Help me, makeover my marriage, we had a couple of questions and even though they might look different, they're both dealing with, communication, in your, marriage.
Debbie didn't really communicate with her, husband, that she needed help around the house or that she needed him to pay her some attention, she just built up animosity that he wasn't doing these things.
Hollis wanted some information on, communication, with her husband once he's in his, man cave. What to do either to get him out of the, man cave, or prevent him from going into the, man cave. So, communication, is very important, marriage counselors, say that it is the top reason couples get divorced.
I started off the segment talking about what we can as, wives, to change instead of asking God to change our, husbands. We need to learn to deal with our, husbands, according to knowledge. If we know they don’t like to talk, then we should not push the issue. Like I learned from Dr Perry, let them talk when they are ready. Even if they don't want to talk they have ears to listen.
Remember to ask for what you want. If you need help around the house, ask for help. If you need affection, ask for it.
When you don’t ask for want you want or communicate your desires, then resentment builds up and the energy in the house changes. You can feel tension. If you have the intention to have peace in your home and to love and appreciate your, husband, he will feel that energy and your home will be peaceful and full of love.
Thanks for reading this blog, listening or watching to the premier episode of “Help me make over my marriage” I will post and air an episode once per month, please subscribe to the Transform Your Mind To Transform your Life podcast to get all new episodes in your inbox.
Can you fix a broken marriage? Laura Doyle best selling author of the Surrendered Wife and the Empowered Wife gives us , marriage advice, on how to get your, husband's, attention and affection.
If you're in any kind of situation right now where you're needing some tips to get through a, bad marriage, and need some, marriage advice, This is the episode for you. Be sure to download and listen to the full audio interview, because I’m understanding the pandemic has put a lot of strain on some, marriages. We're going to be giving you, marriage advice, to get you over the hump.
Download full Interview Here:
Secrets For Attracting Your Husband's Attention Introduction
You know, marriages, are always an, ebb and flow, so if you're in the ebb right now, we want to offer, marriage advice, help you out.
New York Times Bestselling Author Laura Doyle was the perfect wife…until she got married. When she told her husband how to be tidier, more romantic, and more ambitious, he avoided her. So, she dragged him to, marriage counseling, and nearly divorced him.
Laura’s mission today is to offer, marriage advice, to end world, divorce. She is the founder of the international relationship coach training school Laura Doyle Connect, the star of Empowered Wives on Amazon Prime, the Creator of The Ridiculously Happy Wife program, the host of The Empowered Wife Podcast and she has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America and The View.
She has given, marriage advice, to over 15,000 women fix their, relationships–even the hopeless ones– without their husband’s effort. But the thing that Laura is most proud of is her gratifying 31-year marriage with her hilarious husband John, who she says has been dressing himself since before she was born.
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Myrna – Let's dive right in. One of the first questions about, marriage advice, I want to ask you is. How can a, wife, single-handedly bring a boring or broken, marriage, back to life?
Laura – There was a time when I would have been like Hell no, she can’t, because I had been trying myself for years with no success. I read all the books, got tons of, marriage advice, and I did what they said. I dragged my, husband, to, marriage counseling, because I thought well then the, marriage counselor, can fix him and then I will finally be happy!
I told myself, I think that is how it works. I am pretty sure how it works! Of course it didn't work at all. My, husband, and I were having wall-to-wall hostility and cold wars at my house, which is where there's no talking for days and it's just uncomfortable and tense.
You're kind of avoiding each other and it was very painful and lonely. I wanted to have a great relationship with my, husband, so bad, but it just eluded me. I had thought that he was a great guy when I married him, but this is seven, eight, nine years in and I thought I married the wrong guy. In fact, we went to, marriage counseling, for like over a year and spent nine thousand dollars and nothing changed. I remember I was sitting on the, marriage counselors, gray couch when I realized my, marriage, was not gonna work. I’m gonna have to get divorced. My, husband, is never going to change. I'm either going to spend the rest of my life in a, loveless marriage, or else I'm going to have to just move on.
What Marriage advice would you give: Should a wife stay or go?
I decided I would get a, divorce, but, there was just one problem, I was too embarrassed to get a, divorce, because all my relatives and friends had been to the wedding and I didn't want them to know that we were struggling. We would show up at parties after we'd had a big blow up in the car and put on the fake face.
So, I started doing research. I’d been a journalism major in school so, I thought I’m going to get, marriage advice, from other, wives, who have a, happy marriage, for at least at least 15 years; because that seemed like a really long time to be married to me at the time!
I’m going to ask them for, marriage advice, and what their secrets are and then whatever they say, I’m going to do. I'll just experiment with it and if it works great, I’ll keep it and if it doesn't work, I’m going to throw it out.
These married women gave me, marriage advice, I didn't even understand. It didn't make sense to me. I thought they were going to say “You have to pick the right man” but they didn't. They said things like:
I try never to criticize my husband no matter how much it seems like he deserves it.
I was like, you got anything else?
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I was desperate enough to start doing some of the things these, wives, suggested. I remember it was not that long afterwards that I came through the front door from work or somewhere and when my, husband, saw me, face lit up. He was happy to see me!
I thought to myself, something's working, this is working! I got really excited, I got very hopeful. But then not that long afterwards, we were driving down the street in the car and we had another blow up. I was so discouraged, I was hoping this wasn't going to happen anymore, because now I knew what to do. It wasn't that hard, it was just new.
Over time I got the, marriage, I always dreamed. My, husband, went back to making bedroom eyes at me again. He would just grab me at the waist, I’d be passing him in the hall, and he would just pull me in for a kiss! We were laughing together again and now 31 years later, I still get to enjoy my, husband.
Marriage Advice # 2 Make your Husband feel like a man
Myrna – It does feel like a miracle. It turns this is, how to fix a, broken marriage, by changing our behavior towards our, husbands. The first secret is to not criticize our, husband; instead, make your, husband, feel like a man.
Laura – I would say the first secret and , marriage advice, was shocking for me, and I really had a very hard time getting to this, because I think as a woman, I felt like I was doing all the work. I was paying all the bills and doing more housework and I was making more money. We think, why should I do any more work? I'm already doing all the work in this relationship.
A big secret in that most people don't know it is that women are actually the keepers of the relationship.
I mistakenly thought that being angry was gonna make my, husband, see how he should shape up. I thought if I give him the silent treatment or yell at him or even if I’d sit down and nicely tell him all the things he was doing wrong, he will change! It doesn’t work.
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Now I’ve learned this little secret which is that if I just express my desires in a way that inspires, I get a completely different response. Eg. I would say “John I would love a clean kitchen right” and the kitchen would be in the same shape that it always was when I would be complaining about it, but this time he would say, “okay I’ll clean it!”
Myrna – That’s interesting that you didn't ask a direct question. I heard that women always think that men are mind readers, and they don't state their desires clearly, they always expect the men to read their minds. Instead of saying this kitchen is a mess, instead ask for help, John can you help me clean the kitchen.
Laura – If you say “John can you help me with the kitchen” maybe that wouldn't work either, because then it's like a direct order and, husbands, don't like orders from their, wives.
Myrna – You are correct. Yet, they say we are the difficult ones!
Marriage Advice #4 Don't be the boss of your husband
Laura – It's funny that you say that, because I think that's a very common, marriage advice, that you hear. Ask for what you want, but you can come off like his boss or his mother.
Husbands, are not sexually attracted to their mothers.
Their mother probably used to say “take out the trash” or “put your dish in the sink.”
What are some of the intimacy skills you teach in your book?
Myrna – you also talk about six, intimacy skills. What are they?
Laura – The first, marriage advice, to get to, intimacy, is to bring down the boss-like attitude into softness. One of the best, intimacy skills,
that I was pretty excited to learn about was and this is the best, aphrodisiac, on the planet for men and it's free and it works fast! I got this from the other, wives, who were, happily married.
The best, aphrodisiac, on the planet for men is respect. It is like oxygen for men.
I think when people hear, surrendered wife, they think subservient or obedient or whatever, that's not me. I'm a feminist, I'm well educated, I don't do obedient. My opinion counts, but I started to get a superiority complex. I would see my, husband, make a mistake and I'd be like I'm probably better at this. I better show him how to do things.
I better help him be more ambitious.
I better help him be more romantic.
I better help him learn how to load the dishwasher the right way.
Marriage advice # 5 do not disrespect your husband
Like these things are so important! I did not know I was so disrespectful. I was helpful in, wife, language, but disrespectful in, husband, language. So, one of the chief phrases that I use now is
“I apologize for being disrespectful when I criticized you just now.” and I stop.
That's a key part of that cheat phrase, you have to just stop because otherwise if you just go explaining it kills it.
I don't really want to be disrespectful. I don't want to be that nagging, controlling, shrewish wife who thinks she knows more than her, husband, or that she is better than her, husband. That, wife, is lonely.
Conclusion Empowered Wife
Myrna – Let’s talk about your book The Empowered Wife and where can we get it.
Laura – As I mentioned there's six, intimacy skills, we only talked about 3 of them today. The book lists them all and it's just so nice to have all the training right there laid out in front of you. Which is all laid out in the Empowered Wife, but I have something really fun going on right now too that you can download for free on my website at www.lauradoyle.org.
It's called the, Adored Wife, Road Map. This lays out the steps to becoming an, Adored Wife, which let's face it, don't we all want to feel like, Adored Wives? I also talk about the three mistakes that almost every, wife, seems to be making when they're trying to get their, husband's, attention or his affection. You're trying to make things more passionate; you just want him to spend some time with you, these mistakes will backfire on you. In the map I talk about what to do instead. So you can download that at www.lauradoyle.org.
If you want a fantastic, relationship, with your significant other, you need some mindset shifts, from thinking like a girlfriend to thinking like his wife.
Mindset shifts or, transformation, is necessary if your belief system is not producing the results you are expecting in life. As a Life and, Transformation, Coach, I wanted to share some, mindset, transformations about relationships that may get you better results.
5 Mindset Shifts
1. What is the right reason to enter into a long term relationship?
Most of us (including me before I was enlightened) feel that we should enter into a long term commitment because we “fell” in love.
Others may enter into a long term, relationship, like marriage because they want children; they want security or even to stem loneliness. But, according to Neale Donald Walsch from the “Conversations with God” series, we should put a little more thought into choosing a long term partner than feelings.
We should enter into a long term partnership for a mutually beneficial purpose.
I was watching an very old episode of Oprah a few weeks ago and she was interviewing the Smith's. I was so impressed with Will Smith and Jada Pinketh Smith's philosophy on marriage and family. They had a mutually beneficial purpose for their, relationship, and it continues today. They have family meetings every week to keep the purpose of the marriage and family in front of them.
Their purpose for getting together was to enhance the lives of others and they do that by always choosing work that inspires others.
And even though we have heard many rumors of the marriage failing, it is still standing because their purpose for it is greater than the two of them.
So when two people enter in a, long term relationship, they have the, mindset, to figure out the Why? What is the mutually beneficial purpose?
Are they wanting to bring up children for a purpose?
Like Will and Jada Smith
-Are they wanting to enhance Gods kingdom?
Like Joel and Victoria Osteen
-Are they going to change the world through leadership?
Like Barack and Michelle Obama?
If the purpose is strong it will be like a house built on the rocks, it will withstand the storms
Why relationships Fail
2. Mindset Shifts, Why do relationships fail?
Statistics show that, relationships, fail because of failed expectations.
Most, relationships, start out with each party having predefined expectations about what they want out of the relationship and what they want from the other person.
Contrary to popular opinion another person cannot complete you, you must complete yourself.
The bible teaches that it is not if another person will disappoint, but when. So when you enter into a, relationship, and its survival is based on what the other person does, says, etc. You will always be disappointed.
Mindset shifts, is necessary to become the best you, to make sure you are living up to your ideal self because we can never change another person, we can only change ourselves.
For example, there is conflict over a wife's expectation that her husband takes her out on romantic dinners once per month. She is waiting on him to make the offer and he doesn’t, instead he goes out with his friends and leaves her at home with the kids. She has several options:
Sulking, picking a fight, going out with her girlfriends – none of which heals the relationship – or she can Give That Which She Wants.
She can take him to dinner, she can cook a romantic dinner and send the kids to the babysitter. She can respond with love.
Anything you want, you first have to give.
Mindset Shift – Take care of yourself First
3. Mindset shifts: – Become self-centered.
I know this is going to shock some, because we were all brought up to believe that being selfish and self-centered is bad; but not according to the bible! The bible teaches that we must love others as we love ourselves.
Our first relationship must be with self.
We must learn to honor and cherish self and love ourselves before we can love another.
We can never truly fall in love with another, until we have truly fallen in love with ourselves.
I know women are always sacrificing self for others, they think it makes for a good relationship; but it has the opposite effect.
They get burnt out and then resentment sets in. Then they start to resent their spouse for doing nothing. They cultivated that attitude.
The old saying that you have to train people how to treat you is truth. You start off doing all the work in the home, looking after the kids, doing all the cooking, while your spouse drinks beer and watch TV, then 5 years later when you are burnt out. You shouldn't blame your spouse!
You should be self centered and make time in the day for your self.
Get up and go to the gym, walk, pray or meditate.
Make time in the evening to reflect, learn something, relax!
Everyone around you will benefit.
4. Mindset shifts: – Being hurt and disappointed
We will all have hurt and disappointments in our lives.
In fact there is an old saying that says:
You are either going through something, coming out of something or about to go through something!
It is time for us to adopt a different response to our challenges and disappointments.
As humans we react with pain and hurt to what another is being, saying or doing.
The first thing we should do is to become conscious and aware of the feelings we are having.
Don't run from the pain, don't mask it with drugs or alcohol. Feel it, acknowledge it.
Try to find yourself in it.
Be honest with your feelings.
It is very important to not react with vengeance or rage, and to understand your true feelings.
Once you feel it and acknowledge it, it's power over you diminishes and you can get to the place of this of
“This too shall pass”.
After that you can then reach for your highest self and look for the lessons.
A master knows that all experiences comes to teach and is for self-growth.
5. Mindset shifts, – Forgive or look past behaviors of your spouse or significant
As Christians we are taught to forgive, if we want to forgiveness.
To not judge before we take the plank out of our own eyes.
So it would seem that the Christian thing to do is to forgive our spouses for his/her sins.
But in the book “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsh
The author teaches that you should always do what's best for us. Remember we are self-centered.
Your girl friends are always going to encourage you to leave your husband because he is a cheater.
Walsch says that you should leave your spouse only if it is best action for you or your children.
You leave when the marriage no longer fulfills its purpose.
Let's look at Hilary Clinton. I believe she married Bill Clinton with a purpose. He has always been a cheater but she saw his potential as a future President; So she proposed to him and chose to overlook his infidelity. She chose self!
Today her daughter is living a purpose driven life, She was First Lady of the Unites States of America and could become the first female President of the United States of America. You have never heard of her infidelity even though we have heard all about her husband's.
We should all follow her lead and leave our cheating spouses to God, we should concern ourselves only with self. Being the best we can be and we will get our crown here on earth as well as our heavenly crown in the next life.
Myrna is the Host of the “Mindset Transformation radio show” on
