Tag Archives: self-care

A Journey to Self-Love: Connecting with Self Care

In this podcast episode, we're diving into the topic of self care. This is a topic that can be challenging for many of us, but it's essential if we want to feel at home in our bodies. We're going to discuss different ways to develop a strong connection with our body, and learn how to accept and love ourselves without perfection. This isn't a easy journey, but it's one that is worth taking if we want to feel happy and fulfilled in our bodies and practice, self love.  

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Bio

Taylor Elise Morrison turned bad at self care and being firmly convinced of every human's potential into a career. She is the founder of the media company Inner Workout and the author of a book by the same name. Recently, named one of Fortune's 10 innovators, Shipping the Future of Health. Taylor is tired of aspirational wellness. Instead, she builds businesses, content, and experiences that make well-being and personal development more accessible.

You're just as likely to see Taylor facilitating a workshop at a Fortune 100 company as you are to see her talking about TikTok and body image with a high school class. Wherever she goes, Taylor is sure to use her coaching, mindfulness, and movement training to meet people where they're at and offer actionable steps towards creating a world without burnout. Yes, that's awesome. When you practice self care, then you should be creating your inner world without burnout.

Myrna: So Taylor, it's an interesting niche. Can you tell me how you got on the self care path? I am in your bio. You started off by saying that you were once bad with self care. How did you go from that to be an author of the book, The Inner Workout?

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The inner workout to self care

Taylor: Yeah, and I would still say doing, self care, practicing, self care, isn't something that comes naturally to me. I always like to be upfront about that because I think it's really easy to see someone who's written a book or talks about a topic and be like, well, they're so far ahead. It could never possibly be me. And I really came into this work because I needed it. I was in a place where I was working full time. I had a business on the side. I was volunteering with multiple nonprofits. I was planning a wedding. I was trying to have a social life. And I kept feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

And I was approaching, self care, the way that I had seen it approached in a lot of spaces in the mainstream. But I wasn't necessarily feeling cared for in my daily life. In fact, I kept going back to this place of feeling burned out and overwhelmed. And so really through my own journey of figuring out what it looked like to actually feel cared for, that led me to this work of Inner Workout. And now I feel like it keeps me honest. I'm not perfect at it, but I have tools I can continue to use.

Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm
Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm

Definition of Self Care

Myrna: So how are we using the word, self care? What is your definition of it? And when you use that label, what are you meaning?

Taylor: Yeah, the definition that we use both in the book and in the company and our workout is that self care is listening within and responding in the most loving way possible. So it really shifts self care from an item on your to do list to a continuous conversation that you're having with yourself.

Myrna: Okay, I get it. So what were you bad at? You said that you were pretty bad with self care and you still struggle with it. So are you bad with the conversation with yourself? Or are you bad with scheduling it? Are you bad with a list or give us an example of someone that's listening so that they can identify with what we're talking about.

Taylor: Yeah, well, if we bring it back to that, definition of self care, as listening within and responding in the most loving way possible, I've struggled with both pieces of that equation and the people that I work with tend to struggle with one or both of those pieces. So in the beginning, a lot of it was the listening within understanding what's going on for me beneath the surface, not what people are telling me to care about, not what is the trendy topic, but listening to me being connected to my own inner voice, my own inner wisdom. So that's one part of the equation.

Podmust Transform Your Mind podcast
Podmust Transform Your Mind podcast

Start self care by listening within

The other piece is responding with love. So it's one thing to understand I'm feeling overwhelmed or I feel anxious in these situations or I'm doing this thing that I no longer feel aligned or connected to. It's quite another to respond by having a conversation or by reprioritizing how you're spending your time or by making an adjustment. So a lot of people need to start their journey with learning how to listen within. But then it gets into the, okay, loving response. How can I use the time, the resources available to me to give myself whatever it is that I need?

Myrna: Okay. All right. Okay. So I'm glad I dug a little deeper because yeah, we need to put the, you know, the proper label on what we're talking because, you know, anybody that's listening with when they say self care, you might think, okay, all right. So I'm going to schedule time to maybe go to the gym or for meditation or for, you know, going and get my nails and my pedicure. And instead of caring for others, you're caring for yourself.

You're scheduling time to care for yourself. But what your work seems to be focused on, and that's basically why you wrote the book and then you have the company, the inner workout. You're talking about the inner self care where if, let's say, you know, I always like to dig deep so people can actually grab it. So let's say that, like you just talked about, you were, you were working, let's say, nine to five, doesn't mean nine to five, but let's say you're working nine to five.

Let's say that you got a side hustle, a business on the side. You're volunteering at, you know, non-profit so that maybe you can help your business on the side or your career because that's your focus. And then you're saying you're planning a wedding. So you are burning out and you have to care for yourself to say, hey, maybe I need to cut out some things out of this or so that's where we're going with this conversation.

Transform Your Mind Podcastland
Transform Your Mind Podcastland

The 5 dimensions of of self love and well-being

Taylor: That was part of it. And I think so one of the themes that we talk about is these, five dimensions of well-being, physical, energetic, mental and emotional wisdom and bliss. So when I'm talking about, self care, and doing the inner work, some of that, yes, is having conversations with yourself, doing more, doing less things that are really internal that no one else notices. But then some of those are external things.

Like for me, every morning it's a non-negotiable for me that I move my body, but I'm not overly prescriptive of what that looks like. So this morning I had a late night last night, I had to take a family member to the emergency room. And so this morning when I checked in and said, okay, what do I need in terms of movement? This morning it was to walk for 20 minutes on my treadmill. Tomorrow I might ask myself that same question and it might be that I do yoga or I do cardio boxing.

So what my work around, self care, is really trying to do is to get you to the point where you were stepping in to your own self expertise. You're really understanding what you need and you're willing and able to give it to yourself to the best of your abilities using the resources that you have. A lot of times when I see people approaching self care, it's very, I read a study or I read an article that said meditation is good and you should meditate for 20 minutes.

So I'm going to meditate for 20 minutes and I have to do it that way instead of viewing it as, okay, I got some new information. Meditation might be something that's good for me. Let me try it out. Let me understand what feels good, what feels difficult, what are different types of meditation that I can try. So again, it's less about I need to do this thing. I need to schedule this thing a lot of times at a very surface level and more about being in conversation with yourself and acknowledging that you are a human who is a part of nature who is going to shift and change. So as you continue to have that conversation with yourself, the ways that you care for yourself may shift and change over time, will shift and change.

Myrna:  I love that. I love that. Yes. I love when I dig deep. It's the coaching me. All right. Well, you just said a couple of things just now. So since it's been introduced, let's go there. Let's talk about each of the 5 dimensions of, self love.

The dimensions of self care

Taylor:  So there's five dimensions of, self love,  that are really fundamental to the work of, inner workout, as a company and fundamental to the book. That's a lot of the structure of the book is reviewing these five dimensions and then there's 14 sub dimensions. So I was first introduced to the concept that inspired the five dimensions of wellbeing. First there is the, physical dimension.

When I was going through my yoga teacher training and I was introduced to this yoga concept of the Koshas that eventually inspired the five dimensions of wellbeing. So when we're talking about these dimensions, it really gives language and reminds us that there are multiple pieces and facets of us.

Another thing that I see really regularly when people are talking about self-care in the mainstream is that it tends to be pretty surface level and it tends to primarily focus on our physical body.

  • Then there's the, energetic dimension, that looks at your ability to support yourself through and support your wellbeing through your breath. And then also looks at the way that energy moves throughout your daily life. The example I often give is we have all had the experience where we have a conversation and we're so energized after that conversation. It like gave us energy. We've also had the experience, I'm guessing, I've definitely had this experience where I leave a conversation afterwards and I'm just feeling so drained.

Myrna: That's happening all the time. Negative energy from the other person. Very few of us get the positive energy

Mental and emotional dimension of self care and self love

Taylor:  Then there's the mental and emotional sub-dimension, which looks at the way that we are using our brains, the way that we're able to process and express our emotions. And that's supported by the foundation of sleep, because sleep doesn't just affect our physical bodies. It also literally affects our ability to think and to process and to verbalize.

  • Then there's the, wisdom dimension, which is about connecting to our inner wisdom in the present moment and taking aligned action on those insights. Similar to what I was saying when I was talking about the definition of self-care is listening within and responding with love. Sometimes we can hear from our inner voice, we have that gut feeling or we have that feeling in our heart. And we're like, we have a sense of what we should do or what we shouldn't do.
  •  And then the final dimension of wellbeing is about bliss, which is a seat of connection to the truest, the fullest expression of yourself, connection to community, and connection to something bigger than you, however you define that connection. So those are the five dimensions of wellbeing. And I touched briefly on some of the sub-dimensions. And so when we're looking at care, this model really helps you holistically pinpoint what part of me might be needing care right now.

Myrna:  Awesome. All right. So yeah, you're also an entrepreneur. We talked about your side hustle and you're,  the founder of, the inner workout.  So let's talk about self-care now when you're an entrepreneur. Because when you're an entrepreneur, it is hard. I started my entrepreneurial journey as a limousine operator, years ago in Canada. And, and it was like a 24 hour job. People will call you at four in the morning, they want to go to the airport and stuff like that. So a lot of entrepreneurs don't have time for the physical self-care, much less the mental and emotional self-care. So how do you teach your, your inner workout community?

How entrepreneurs can practice self care

Taylor: And I would actually push back on that, that entrepreneurs don't have time for, self-care, because what I find often is that when people say they don't have time for self-care, that's not true.  We can find those pockets of time for self care. It may be a minute in between calls, or it may be you're in the car on the way to your next client meeting and you take some time to check in.

But what I would really encourage for entrepreneurs is to start noticing the pockets of time that you have, using them to do something, even if it's just like, what do I need? I need three deep breaths. I need to say three things that I'm grateful for. I need to just stand up and stretch really quick because I've been sitting. So noticing those pockets of time, using them, and then celebrating whatever care you're able to give to yourself.

Book Inner Workout
Book Inner Workout

Myrna: Tell us about your book Inner Work-out, why did you write it?

Taylor:  I wrote the book because not everyone can afford coaching, not everyone can afford to go through a course or a workshop. But the book is in libraries. The book is only $20. And that's a lot more affordable way to begin this work for yourself than some of the other offerings. So it's also a way to make my work more accessible to more people.

What I want people to get out of it is, I keep going back to the feedback that I love.  It lights me up when people are like, oh, I never thought of, self care, this way. I felt like Taylor was talking to me and I felt like I could actually do this.

So if people see themselves in this book and feel like there is at least one thing, and I promise that will be way more than one thing that they can get out of it, then I've done my job. You have 14 sub dimensions. Yeah, there's a lot in there and the book really expands on this resource that is free and will remain free, called the Take Care Assessment that measures our wellbeing across the five dimensions and the 14 sub dimensions.

And then it gives you this PDF report based on your results and gives you sample practices to get started. So the book really encourages you to take the assessment to start. And then you can read it like a choose your own adventure and be like, oh, I need some work on the embodiment sub dimension of the physical dimension.

Conclusion

Tell our readers how they can get a copy of your book, your website, your social media handles so they can follow you.

Taylor: So if you head to innerworkout.co, there's a button right there that will show you all the places you can get the book. There's also a button right below it that links you to the self care assessment. So if you go to our website, top two resources are right there. And I'm not super active on social media. But I'm on Instagram as Taylor Elyse Morrison. But honestly, the best way to stay connected with us is through our self care Sundays newsletter and by listening to the Inner warm up podcast.

Well, listen, guys, thank you for tuning into the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio podcast and television show. If you're listening on iTunes, we'd love for you to rate and review. If you're watching this on YouTube, I would love for you to subscribe.  Until next time, Namaste.

Additional Resources

How to Love Yourself and Heal The Body

Beyond Love: When Love Alone Isn’t Enough

Love is a powerful and beautiful emotion that has the ability to uplift, inspire, and bring immense joy to our lives. But what happens, when love alone isn't enough? Love forms the foundation of many relationships, providing strong bonds between partners, family members, and friends.

However, there are instances, when love alone isn't enough. In this video, coach Myrna looks at the, Bible story of Hanna, and why the love of her husband was not enough. Coach Myrna, shares 5 realities of, when love isn't enough, and how we can build resilience and understanding to overcome obstacles on the path to fulfilment.

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When love alone isn't enough

Have you ever loved someone, but could not live with them so you broke up with them instead? That is an example of, when love alone isn't enough.

Today I want to look at the bible story of Hanna and why the love of her husband was not enough.

Let’s look at 1st Samuel 1:8

Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?

Hanna had all the love a woman could want from a man, but she was not happy because she could not have children. Her husband’s love was not enough to fill the hole in her heart.

For Hanna having a husband wasn’t enough, having a man who loved her, wasn’t enough.

Love can be a wonderful and important aspect of our lives, but it is not the sole determinant of our happiness. Happiness is a complex and multifaceted emotion that can be influenced by various factors. While love can contribute significantly to our well-being, there are other aspects to consider.

Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora
Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Here are 5 reasons when love isn't enough

  1. Self-fulfillment: True happiness often involves a sense of purpose and personal fulfillment. Pursuing your passions, setting and achieving goals, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment can contribute to overall happiness. For Hanna and most women this includes being a mother.
  2. Emotional well-being: Happiness goes beyond love and encompasses emotional well-being. It's important to develop coping skills, self-care practices, and maintain healthy relationships beyond romantic love, such as with family and friends, to cultivate happiness.
  3. Personal growth: Continuous personal growth and self-improvement can lead to a sense of fulfillment and happiness. This can include learning new skills, expanding your knowledge, and challenging yourself to become the best version of yourself. You can have all the love in the world but if you are not growing, you will feel unfulfilled.
  4. Physical and mental health: Taking care of your physical and mental health is essential for overall happiness. Engaging in regular exercise, practicing self-care, managing stress, and seeking support when needed are all crucial aspects of well-being.
  5. Meaningful connections: While romantic love is significant, nurturing relationships with friends, family, and a supportive community can provide a sense of belonging and happiness. Building and maintaining meaningful connections with others can be a source of joy and support.
Deezer Transform Your Mind Podcast
Deezer Transform Your Mind Podcast

Motherhood a path to self fulfillment

I Just finished reading Paris Hilton memoir.  In her book Paris shares her infertility journey. Like Hanna love was not enough, being a Hilton and an heiress was not enough, having a brand was not enough, like Hanna she wanted a child.

Remember that happiness is subjective, and what brings happiness to one person, may differ from another. Sometimes love of your family or spouse is enough, but most of the times you must love yourself first. It's important to explore and cultivate various areas of your life beyond love to find fulfillment and happiness. Seeking a balance between different aspects of life, investing in personal growth, and fostering relationships can contribute to a more fulfilling and joyful existence.

Being in love or receiving love is not enough for self-actualization which include realizing your dreams, being true to yourself, and achieving inner peace.

Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna

Additional Resources

Becoming Flawesome: The Journey to Self-Acceptance

 

How Does Grief Affect Mental Health

Grief, is like going to a movie where you're watching a horror movie and the next person to you is watching a comedy. It was poignant for me to understand that somebody's life can be storming and the next door neighbor has sunshine.

My guest today is Samantha Ruth, grief expert and we are going to be talking on the topic “What does, grief, and, mental health, have in common.” I know that we're in a time where a lot of us are experiencing, grief, – our loved ones are dying left and right. We're in a place where we can't really socialize, so we've got a lot of, grief, and, mental health, issues come in. Samantha will shed some light on how to ease some of the pain and suffering that accompanies, grief.

Download full interview here: 

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Brief bio of Samantha Ruth

Samantha Ruth is a Transformational Psychologist, speaker, best-selling author, and founder of Griefhab, a 24/7 support community for anyone who has experienced a loss. Sam helps people around the world turn their pain into their power by guiding them to be their true selves.

Her mission is to change the way the world views, mental health, so people can openly speak about whatever issues they have, and get the help they not only need, but deserve without fear of judgment, labels, and repercussions.

Sam understands what it's like to feel overwhelmed, lost, stuck, and alone. After unexpectedly losing her husband Jim, Sam felt like her life had been shattered into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. It took this experience for her to learn how to tune out the noise of everything and everybody else and focus on listening to herself. Her favorite quote:

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Helping others through their grief

Myrna: Can you share your story of losing your husband and how did that tragedy help you achieve the purpose of helping others through, grief. A lot of times, I firmly believe that God gives you a test so you can have a testimony. God puts you through the storm so you can help other people and that's obviously what your story is turned out to be. Now, can you share a little of it with us?

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Transform your Mind Podbean
Transform your Mind Podbean

Samantha: My husband was everything me. I met him when I was 24 years old and living in Michigan. We were together for a few years, but we were still young, silly and career driven. So, we went our separate ways. During that time, he moved to Colorado and we reconnected in June of 2013. We were married the following August and he passed away unexpectedly just a little over three years later. I had left my family and my career. I was just completely lost and had no idea what to do next.

Grief is like watching a horror movie while someone else is watching a comedy

Myrna: There’s a, grief, story I heard a few months back. This woman told the story that one day, ( she was a psychologist) she  and her husband were going to pick up their son from the Airport. He’s wasn't her child, it was her husband's son and he was turning 18 the next day. They were going to go pick him up from the Airport and she decided to walk her dog before they left. While she walked her dog, her husband said he was going to jump in the river for a quick swim (that’s something he did every day).

While she was walking her dog, she suddenly heard him scream. She didn't pay much attention to it, because she knows he was a strong swimmer. When she heard him scream again, she decided to go to investigate. She saw her husband clutching a tree in the middle of the river, apparently there was some kind of a wild current that day and her husband was trying to hang on to the tree, but the current was too strong and he was swept away.

She actually physically saw him drowned right in front of her eyes. Her whole world shattered, she was overcome with, grief. The hardest thing she had to do was telling his son that his father died in his 18th birthday, knowing that he would never be able to celebrate his birthday again.

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Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

Grief is like a black cloud

Until that story, I never really understood, grief. She said when you have, grief, it's like you don't have sun anymore, but your neighbor has sun. She said she would get up in the morning and while she had this black cloud of, grief, her neighbor would be getting up and going to get his morning paper and clueless of what's going on at his next door neighbor!

Grief, is like going to a movie where you're watching a horror movie and the next person to you is watching a comedy. It was poignant for me to understand that somebody's life can be storming and the next door neighbor has sunshine.

Myrna: You said your, grief, was like your world shattered into tiny pieces? Can you expand on how you handled that?

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Grief is invisible

Samantha: I also want to add that, grief, is also invisible. We don't have a cast over a broken arm or something that people can see. We live in this world that avoids the uncomfortable conversations.  The first year after my husband died was a complete blur to me.  I was in deep, depression. If you told me we went to Japan together, I would trust your memory over mine. I went through the motions, I survived.

I am a psychologist trained in, trauma, and there was pressure. I don't know if your friend who's also a psychologist experienced that, but there was pressure to bounce back quicker than anyone else would, because it's what I do and I couldn't or wouldn't do that. I had to find my own way. There were sunny houses all over the place, but I felt like I lived in a forest.  I had to figure out how to get through the maze all by myself.  The world expects you to get back to work, your family, everybody's pulling from a different direction.

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Book: Love Letters for the romantically challenged
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Self care is important in grief and loss

I made a conscious decision because I was in so much pain, I had to take care of myself.  I went in a direction that was unfamiliar to me and to everyone else, which made more noise, but, self care, was the way through.

So, to anyone struggling with, grief,  I encourage you to find the strength to listen to the voice inside your head, don't listen to the others.

Myrna: You're able to take the knowledge that you learned from going through that traumatic experience to help others through, grief.  You founded the company called Griefhab,  can you tell us about your company.

Samantha: I am on a mission to change the way the world views, grief, and, mental health, because my experience showed me how similar the two were.

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Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

Grief and loss because of the Coronavirus pandemic

Myrna: We're on in some unprecedented times with the, Coronavirus pandemic. How does your company help other experiencing, grief and loss, because of the, coronavirus pandemic?

Samantha: Tuning out the noise and not letting people expectations like – “Hey, you should have gotten over it by now.”  What I mean, and my advice as a psychologist is, you need to have a support system and that's important. Grief, can be isolating and you can feel different and lonely and there are people who get it.  The pandemic has uprooted millions of people's lives and you are not alone.

Talking really does help even if somebody is just listening and they're not actually physically doing talking, it does help. Talking is the way through, grief. Please, loved ones and friends, be patient with us. It might be uncomfortable for you, but it is the only way we will heal.

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Deezer Transform Your Mind Podcast
What does grief and mental illness have in common?

Myrna: What does, grief, and, mental illness,  issues have in common? What are the, stages of grief, and how does it affect your, mental health?

Samantha: I do not believe that you can grieve without, anxiety, and, depression. Going through the grieving process, there are such stigmas around both. I've lived with the world of, mental health, stigmas when I was  early in healing journey. I learned that people treat someone grieving the same way as they treat someone with a, mental illness; they don't know how to act around them and they don't know what to say. I felt all of these stigmas and all I had done was lose my husband.

What, grief, and, mental health,  have most in common is that they can be isolating and alienating. That’s the reason I am trying to make noise and let the world know that everything we know is backwards. We have to talk about it, we have to lean on each other and the stigmas are backwards.  We need each other. I am one voice and anyone that's willing to share their personal stories by raising their hand and saying I am not okay, even just saying “I'm having a bad day”, will erase the stigma.

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Depression and anxiety is a stage of grief

People don't know we're grieving. It's invisible, mental health. They can't see, depression, or, anxiety.

Samantha: You can't grieve without going through, anxiety, and, depression, it is one of the, stages of grief.

Myrna: They also say that there are, seven stages of grief. So, where does the, anxiety, and, depression, fit in?

Samantha: Well, I mean there's pressure to attend A, B, C, D and E immediately after, grief and loss.  I haven't spoken to anyone who has experienced, grief and loss, that doesn't have some sort of, anxiety, about going back to work or attending an event, even if it's virtual.

It's a tidal wave of, anxiety, it comes and it goes and it doesn't end. You get through in the beginning, it's like you're drowning and you come up for air and you find a buoy or somebody to hold on to (that's one of your support system). That's how it is for a while, then eventually you can swim and float and then all of a sudden, a wave comes out of nowhere and knocks you down and it could be a month later or a year later or even a decade later.

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Is there an end to grief?

Myrna: As a psychologist, is there a way to do something to prevent the, grief, coming back like a decade later?

Samantha: It doesn't get better, it gets different and that's why people expect holidays, anniversaries and certain life events to be difficult days. But it could just be next Tuesday and it could be a difficult day for no reason. The good things you experience are met with sadness, because the person you want to share it with the most isn't physically here, so, grief, is always there.

Something would knocked me to my knees in the beginning and I would be down and out and I would barely get myself back together, and then something else would come and knock me right back to my knees (it's not like that now). If something happens, I can cope and get through it. It's still painful, but I have learned how to navigate so that I'm not back down on my knees.

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Grief vs trauma

I went to the University of Michigan and I can't perform the same way I did, my brain has been permanently altered because of the, trauma, of grief.

Myrna: That is very interesting, trauma. They call it big “T” – traumas and little “T” – traumas. Now, what you're saying someone with, grief, should take it one day at a time. Work with the present moment, that is how everything changes. You can't go back into the past, you can't go into the future, all changes happen in the present moment.

Myrna: Let's say that I have somebody that's going through the grieving process, what are some of the things that I can do to help? This is very important because I remember what you shouldn't say to somebody. What can we say or do for someone experiencing, grief?

How to Help with Grief

Samantha:  Say “I'm here for you”. Don’t ask “what do you need”, is a very stressful question. We don't know the answer, so just be there for us. Give someone experiencing, grief and loss, multiple choice questions, not essay – say I'm going to the store and I'm getting you stuff. Do you want bread or milk?  I can answer that question.

Myrna: Yes, the same woman who lost her husband in the river said that people came to her home and helped her clean her house and cooked for her, because these are things that you have no interest in doing during the grieving process, but nobody ever really thinks about that.

Samantha: Grief, is a tough journey and something each one of us is going to experience in our lives because death is something that happens and it's unavoidable. Not everybody lives until they're 95, there's going to be sudden death at 30s, 20s or whatever. Where people don't expect it and that's when it's harder, but we're all going to be touched with it.

Mental Health stigmas

Myrna: How can we help break some of the, mental health stigmas?

Samantha: I think it's similar to, grief, I think by talking about it, we break the stigma.   When I tell people I have, anxiety, a lot of people ask questions because they don't know. Telling one person or starting one conversation helps break the stigma of, mental illness.  It doesn't have to be going on the news and telling the world, but we won't change things if we continue to hide it and make it like it's something bad.

Myrna: Tell us about your book, why you wrote it, what do you want the reader to walk away with at the end of reading it?

Permission Granted to Grieve

Samantha: My second book was called “Permission Granted to Grieve”. I think it's important that the world understands that you have to grieve, you have to heal, you can't ignore it. Everything I'm saying is the same for, grief, and, mental health.

My upcoming book is called “Ruthless”. My last name is Ruth and I lost my husband. I became ruthless, but ruthless is perceived a negative. So, redefining ruthless is my journey. I want people to see negative things as strengths and perceived weaknesses as advantages. I'm taking this negatively charged word and making it okay.

Myrna: Tell us about your company Griefhab and your 24/7 support community. How can someone get in touch with you? What is your website? Tell us how you help people at Griefhab?

Samantha: There are two elements to Griefhab; one – it's 24/7 support community. You don't have to wait until your next appointment to talk to somebody. You don't have to struggle, there's always support available and that's a free community on Facebook. You can go there on FacebookGriefhab or it's on my website www.samantharuth.com.

Conclusion

There's no judgment, this is about healing your way and asking the questions that you don't feel safe asking anywhere else. People who feel that they need more support like I did, like sending out the death certificates and dealing with the creditors and all the things like getting the light bulb changed, finding somebody to get your groceries and make things, so you don't have to do anything.

I do all of that in addition to working with you. When I had to present a death certificate, it knocked me down. So, I want other people to know those are tasks that we can do for you, so you can just heal.

Myrna: Thanks for tuning in to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio podcast and television show. If you've not done so yet, please rate and review us on iTunes so that we can get this message out to a wider audience. Until next time, blessings.

Additional Resources

Understanding Mental Illness: My Bipolar Life

 

Help Me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Help me, makeover my marriage, improve intimacy, find personal time and communicate better with my, husband. Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Welcome to the premiere episode of, Help Me Makeover My Marriage. Today we are going to talk about, communication, in a  marriage. 

I'm your host Life coach Myrna Young, my guest today is Michele Brunson and together we want to share our experiences in our, marriages, to help you, makeover my marriage. 

Listen to the full Episode Here:

I can be called the Marrying Woman

I have been married four times so you can call me a, marrying woman, for a total of 30 years.  Michele has been married for 25 years. Her husband died last year, we give her our condolences. 

We want to  help you to with your, marriage makeover. A lot of times when things are not going right in our, marriage, or our, relationships, we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, so we think I'm going to be able to find someone better, but I'll tell you,

 “The grass is never greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.” 

 

Wherever you put your attention on, wherever you put your focus on is definitely what's going to grow. So Michelle and I will give you, marriage advice,  and strategies to help you to, makeover my marriage. 

Treat your husband according to knowledge

The reason we're saying that, you need to be the change you seek, is because I've always remembered what my Pastor Tony said to me years ago, maybe about 20 years ago. A lot of times we don’t use knowledge and knowledge is never useful until used. Pastor Tony said to me. “Whenever I go to God, I never ask him to change my, wife, I ask him to change me.”  

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The reason that’s important is because like me and most of you, we're always blaming our, husbands, or our partners for whatever is wrong in our, relationships. I am in my fourth, marriage,  now as I said before and I came into this, marriage, with all kinds of expectations. 

I was in my 40's when I got, married, this last time, so I had a lot of stuff that came with me. 

  1. Baggage and expectations and I brought it all into my, marriage, and we started having all the same problems again because you are the common denominator if you have multiple, marriages, and everything  follows you. 

When I decided to change ME my, marriage, started getting better.  This was 20 years after I heard that advice, a lot of times we have knowledge and we don't actually use it. My current teacher,  Pastor Glover would say

“treat your, husband, like he's your king and love him the way you want to be loved.” 

So that's what I did and a remarkable thing happened!  I found out that I enjoyed serving my, husband,  I enjoyed treating my, husband, like my king and our relationship started to mend, because I was no longer pointing fingers.  I was no longer you not talking to him because of something he wasn't doing. 

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So, in this episode and subsequent episodes we're going to give you information on how to change YOU,  because it all starts with you. 

In this first segment of “Help Me Makeover My Marriage,” we're going to do a question and answer, later segments we'll have guests come on the show. Today we are gonna start with questions that was sent into us from my  Facebook group called Lifecoach 

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Help me Makeover my Marriage and get Intimacy Back

Our first question comes from Debbie in Miami, Florida.  Debbie writes:

I've been married for 12 years my, husband,  and I have two children ages 7 and 10. I immersed myself in the role of mother and, wife, as a, stay-at-home mom, while my, husband, worked full-time and saw his role as the provider. 

As a, stay-at-home mom, I rarely took time for myself and began to resent my, husband, for not helping with the kids and not paying me any attention. Our, intimacy, suffered and my resentment built up.  I even started looking outside the, marriage, for fulfillment. 

Debbie’s asks, Help me, makeover my marriage, and recapture, intimacy

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Myrna – Debbie I had a similar experience with my second, husband, and my, marriage, ended

because I built up resentment and never communicated  this to my, husband. The situation was reversed. I was the breadwinner making most of the money and he sat around doing nothing because he told me that housework and looking after the kids was women's work. 

So, here I was paying all the bills and I was being treated like the maid. I built up resentment and that, marriage, eventually ended, but now I know better.  Again knowledge is only powerful when you use it. Now I know that what Debbie should do is to ask for help. She should say to her, husband. 

“Babe I know that you work all day and you're the provider for this family and we made this contract that I'm going to be a, stay-at-home mom, but I need a break. Can you help out?”

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I need you to help around the house. I need you to help with the kids, because being a mom is a full-time job. He goes to work from nine to five and then he's off, but a mom is always on the job, it's a full-time job. Maybe also get a babysitter for kids every two weeks or something and have date night so, that you guys can be together without the kids and recapture, intimacy. 

So my advice to you would be to Help, makeover my marriage, is: 

  • First of all ask for what you want 
  • And second, make the time to do your part. 

If you have the, intention, that you are gonna love your, husband, and you're gonna appreciate him for being the breadwinner, because that's what he is, and you show him appreciation, he will give you back love.  

Michelle what would you say to Debbie from your experience? Mitchell is actually an Intercessor, so maybe you can bring in a biblical touch or scripture from the bible that can help Debbie, makeover my marriage. 

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Michele – Myrna I want to thank you for having me on your show.  My advice to Debbie to help her, makeover my marriage, would first off be pray for your, husband, first because most, wives, don't start there. Pray for your, husband, because God is his creator and he will change any situation concerning your, husband, and if your, husband, is providing for the family no, husband, wants to come home after fighting all day at work and have to fight with his, wife. 

So, the first thing that she needs to do is have peace in her home, if her, husband, is  providing and it's for a season, because like you said y'all in this contract together and you chose to be a, stay-at-home mom. 

Another, marriage advice, would be to have a schedule because some women don't know how to have a schedule. Monday you might do one thing, Tuesday something else. Don't try to do everything all at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed and burnt out. 

If you feel mis-valued in your, marriage, you should have, communication, with your, husband, about it. You should value one another, you value him as your king.  Once you start with valuing your, husband, and appreciating him for who he is. He's going out there making it happen every day and providing for you and the kids, you should make him feel comfortable in his own home. 

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Marriage Makeover Wives become a Woman of Noble Character

As, wives, we create the atmosphere in the home. I would have her reflect on Proverbs 31:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

11. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

12. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

13. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

14. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

15. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

16. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

18. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

19. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

21. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

26. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”  

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Help me Makeover My Marriage Self-care

Myrna – That's what we fail to do sometimes as women, we forget to take care of ourselves.  Self-care, is very important and that's what she's lacking, because she's so consumed with looking after the kids she's not doing, self-care.  Self-care, also leads to, intimacy, because if you look good you're going to feel good and your, husband, is going to feel that, sexual energy. 

What advice do you give Debbie for re-establishing, intimacy,  with her husband? 

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I have always scheduled personal time with my husband, even when we go on vacations. 

One time we take the kids and one time we go alone. Women do not understand that they need personal time alone with their spouse without the kids to keep, intimacy, alive. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage Personal Time

Michele – I would get up before everybody else in the house got up for my, personal time, of  prayer because that really set up my entire day. Once you pray and set the environment, your day will be less stressful. 

Myrna – That's good, marriage advice, a lot of women take time for, self-care, at the end of the night when the kids are in bed. 

Before we go to the next question let's circle back to reiterate that, wives, got to appreciate their, husbands, for what he does for the family.  In this case Debbie need to show appreciation for her, husband, as the breadwinner. 

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Makeover My Marriage – Intimacy

Our next question for Help me, makeover my marriage, comes from Hollis in Atlanta, Georgia.  Hollis writes I have been married for 10 years,  my, husband,  and I have a good, marriage, not great because he does not like to talk.  The slightest disagreement sends him into his, man cave, and I can't reach him or get him to talk, Help me, makeover my marriage, and improve my, communication, with my, husband. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Like I said earlier the, marriage advice, that I'm giving is, marriage tips, that I can pull from my personal, marriage, experience. Right now I'm married to a man who does not like to talk and i like to talk. So normally I would lead the conversation and he would sit there and listen, then I would say you know conversation is a dialogue and he would say I'm listening to you. 

But recently I changed that model. I just finished reading the book “What Happened to You” By Oprah Winfrey and Dr Perry.  Dr Perry was explaining why kids who experienced trauma don’t talk. 

Dr Perry discovered that not even trained therapists can get these kids to talk until they are ready.  You just have to give them time and space. Sometimes it means sitting or doing projects in total silence.  When they are ready to talk, they will talk. 

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So I used that information and now when I sit with my husband,  I just let there be space and whenever he's ready to talk then he will talk. It's very uncomfortable for me because I like to talk.  But I did and so far this approach is working. We have had some good conversations from this approach.  

Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Help me Makeover My Marriage and get my Husband out of his Man Cave

Michelle what was your experience with your, husband,  with, communication. Did he go in to a , man cave? 

Michelle –  First of all, we all have different temperaments and personalities,  my, husband, was more of a, phlegmatic. Phlegmatics have an unemotional and stolidly calm disposition.

So he was a laid-back, easygoing type of guy. 

It's been said that a woman speaks a thousand more words than the man so, I would just find something that interests him to talk about.  Most men don't analyze things the way we do and they're not as emotional as we are. We like to talk about everything and they don't always understand why we need to always be talking.

Myrna – So let's say that you wanted to talk to your, husband, about quality time, for example, or something that's going on in your, relationship,  did you start the conversation talking to him about something he likes to talk about and then kind of steer the conversation to quality time? 

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Michelle –  Our quality time was watching TV together or shopping for groceries. 

Myrna – Okay I was just using quality time as a placeholder for any conversation you want to have with your husband that was important. 

For example, once in a while I would  want to talk to my, husband, about where our, marriage, is going or where we see ourselves in 10 to 15 years from now, or something like that. 

I am a Life coach right and I want to steer the conversation in that direction my, husband, would push back and say you're not my coach!

So getting back to Hollis’s question. What advice would you give to move her, husband, out of his, man cave, and get him to open up? 

Husbands need to process things longer than Wives

Michelle – I would tell her that men have to process things, so I would give him time. 

If they had a conflict or something, men and women process differently.  Wives, want an answer right then while, husbands, might take a day or two to process before they want to discuss the situation. 

Myrna – I like that answer, give them time to process.  I would add give them space to process.  Don’t go into their, man cave, and harass them.  Let them be until they are ready to come out. 

In the meantime don't withhold love or affection. 

Even though we're not talking about a physical, man cave, even though some men have a physical space they hide out in, we are talking about going into the mental, man cave.  

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Conclusion Help me Makeover My Marriage 

In this premier episode of, Help me, makeover my marriage, we had a couple of questions and even though they might look different, they're both dealing with, communication, in your, marriage. 

Debbie didn't really communicate with her, husband, that she needed help around the house or that she needed him to pay her some attention,  she just built up animosity that he wasn't doing these things. 

Hollis wanted some information on, communication, with her husband once he's in his, man cave. What to do either to get him out of the, man cave, or prevent him from going into the, man cave. So, communication, is very important, marriage counselors, say that it is the top reason couples get divorced. 

I started off the segment talking about what we can as, wives, to change instead of asking God to change our, husbands. We need to learn to deal with our, husbands, according to knowledge.  If we know they don’t like to talk, then we should not push the issue.  Like I learned from Dr Perry, let them talk when they are ready. Even if they don't want to talk they have ears to listen. 

Remember to ask for what you want.  If you need help around the house, ask for help.  If you need affection, ask for it. 

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TuneIn Radio

When you don’t ask for want you want or communicate your desires, then resentment builds up and the energy in the house changes. You can feel tension. If you have the intention to have peace in your home and to love and appreciate your, husband, he will feel that energy and your home will be peaceful and full of love. 

Thanks for reading this blog, listening or watching to the premier episode of “Help me make over my marriage”  I will post and air an episode once per month, please subscribe to the Transform Your Mind To Transform your Life podcast to get all new episodes in your inbox. 

Until next time Live Life to the Fullest. 

Additional Resources

The Best Marriage Advice for Wives to Fix a Broken Marriage