Most of us believe that self love is crucial for loving others. But is this really true? In this podcast, coach Myrna challenges that belief and ask instead, what is the relationship between self love and love for others? I believe the answer is much more complicated than we think.
If you’re questioning whether or not self love is important for love for others, then this video is for you! I’ll explore the concept of self love from different perspectives and discuss why it may not be as vital as we think it is. I believe that self love is important for our own happiness, but it’s not the be-all and end-all of our relationship to others. Download and listen see what you think!
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What is self love
In this segment of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna I want to answer the question of, self love, what is it? Specifically, can you love another if you don’t first love yourself.
I have been saying for years that you can’t love another if you can’t first, love yourself, because you can’t give away what you don’t have. If you can’t even, love yourself, then you don’t know what love is, so you can love someone else. That is until I heard Eckhart Tolle say that when we talk about, self love, we are saying that there are two beings self and someone else. That if we are separating self from being then we got it wrong.
Let me back up and give you the definition of Self-love. Self love, is defined as “love of self” or “regard for one’s own happiness or advantage”, it has been conceptualized both as a basic human necessity and as a moral flaw, akin to vanity and selfishness, conceitedness, egotism, narcissism.
I grew up thinking when someone called me selfish it was the worst thing, until I understood the concept of, self love, and putting yourself first.
How to practice self love
- You put yourself first.
- You are authentically yourself.
- You are honest with yourself.
- You express yourself freely.
- You say positive things to yourself.
- Forgiving yourself when you mess up.
- Meeting your own needs.
- Being assertive.
- Not letting others take advantage of or abuse you.
- Prioritizing your health and wellbeing.
But Eckhart Tolle teaches that when you talk about loving yourself it means you are splitting you and self, and that means that you have missed the concept of being. If you be yourself then you don’t have to love yourself.
You are not separate from self, so no need to love yourself, no need to be proud of yourself, no need to pat yourself on the back.
When you understand that the ripple or waves is part of the ocean and you are the ripple that is part of the ocean of the universe, you do not separate self from the whole.
You don’t have to love yourself first: to love another
So, the answer to the question Can you love another if you don’t, love yourself, is NO; it is not necessary to, love yourself, before you can love another.
If you are not comfortable with being with yourself when you are alone, you will seek another to complete you, but what will happen is that the need that made you seek another human to complete you, will show up in another form in the relationship, because another person cannot fill the void inside of you, only you can fill that void by accepting the present moment in whatever form it presents itself and just be yourself.
When you are in a relationship and you still feel alone, you blame your partner for not giving you what you need. You become needy, but even if your partner tells you he or she loves you every hour of the day, you still feel unloved, because you don’t love yourself and don’t know how to be yourself.
Ever heard a man say I can’t please this woman?
Will Smith is a classic example of this phenomenon. He said in his autobiography, he spent weeks planning a surprise 40th birthday party for Jada. He was very proud of his work and he expected her to be so grateful and see his love; yet all she saw was that he wanted to make himself look good by receiving praise for planning such an extravagant party and missed the love that was behind the effort.
If you don’t love yourself you cannot receive love
He was hurt by her lack of appreciation and walked out of the marriage saying I can’t ever please this woman. He also told her if it is possible for you to be happy, show me. This was because Jada had a hole in her heart that Will Smith could not fill. She had to fill it herself. She had to find her wholeness by connecting to source, God.
So, no need to love yourself, feel sorry for yourself, judge yourself, hate yourself, all you need is to be yourself.
When you are able to be yourself, you can watch your emotions, you can watch your thoughts, so you are no longer controlled by them.
You watch them until they pass through you or float away like colored balloons. That is how you practice, self love, and that is by loving the whole you by being yourself.
Thanks for tuning into this weeks episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna