What Is Love: How to Love Your Way To a Better Life

Humble The Poet What is Love

What is love? Love doesn’t require us to build a deep connection. We fall in love with babies all the time. We don’t need a deep connection with them. They don’t even have to reciprocate.  I think we have to let go of the old idea that I have to be somebody or do something in order to realize this love that’s already here.

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Bio Humble the Poet on Love

The truth is, we all want love. Everything we do is in pursuit of it. But as we count likes on social media and measure our worth by the numbers in our bank accounts, we are programmed to see love as something to earn or win. That programming obscures the simple truth behind what we are: beautiful, infinite, eternal sources of love.

For Humble the Poet, the concept of love has been a decade-long curiosity. What began as reciting spoken-word poetry in coffee shops to impress girls, evolved into a creative adventure that has spanned the last 10 years, crossing genres, mediums, and oceans. In How To Be Love(d), the former elementary school teacher turned rapper, spoken-word artist, poet, and international bestselling author teaches his fans that instead of seeking to be loved by the world, we must be love.

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What is love? what are we doing wrong

Myrna: Wat are most of us doing wrong when it comes to love?

Humble: I think we believe that we have to, find love. And then we have to qualify for, love. And none of that’s the case. I think we need to stop telling people you’re worthy of love, and you’re enough for love. Love is constant, it’s always there. And what we actually need to do is just clear away the clutter to realize we don’t have to do anything magical or specific to, earn love, and have, love, find us. It’s the breeze, we just have to open up our sails to catch up.

Myrna: I love that. So, we’ve got different kinds of love. So, we’ve got God’s love, which is always everlasting. Then we’ve got, parental love, which is always everlasting.  But, romantic love, where you know a man meets girl or Girl Meets Boy kind of thing. We feel that we have to earn, romantic love, love is it’s an energy, right? It’s a spirit. So, is that why you’re saying we don’t need to earn, love?

Humble: Yeah, I wouldn’t even differentiate. I think instead of saying there’s, there’s, God’s love, there’s parental love, there’s, romantic love. I would say there’s, pathways of love. So, the permanence of the pathway between us and the Almighty. And permanence is the, pathway of love, between us and our parents. Now when we create new relationships, we’re building a pathway and that’s why those pathways are less shaky. So, if I meet someone for the first time, we’re beginning to create a path for love the, energy of love, to flow between us, right? It’s not the love that is temporary. It’s the path that’s temporary.

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iHeart Radio

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Love’s pathways needs maintenance

So, what is love, it depends on your, pathway to love. The, pathway of love, between us and our parents or us in the Almighty. These pathways have been established, we have to do work to maintain them and clear the clutter from them, obviously, but we don’t have to do as much work than for example that we have a romantic partner. We have somebody we work with, we have an activity, these we have to do a lot more work to established a clear pathway. And there’s a lot more day to day maintenance that’s required for that.

We look at the previous pathways that we have, and we’re like, those are so easy. So, making these new pathways with this person who I want to be my husband or wife should be just as easy. The day to day maintenance is not sexy. It’s like brushing your teeth. But unromantic work is required to keep, Love, maintained.

Brushing your teeth isn’t a trip to Paris and it’s the same thing with creating, pathways of love, between us and other people. It can’t be big gestures; it’s got to be the small things. It’s got to be the uneventful things. It’s got to be the uncomfortable conversations. It’s got to be all of that. So, I don’t differentiate between, love. I differentiate the pathways and how we build them. That’s the, love story.

Myrna: Please explain what you’re talking about a pathway because I’m like here and I’m thinking like a highway.

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Love’s pathways is like a 4 lane highway

Humble: How to love, is like a highway or a river because the highway moves quickly. Things can move quickly on the highway so, let’s say that you know the highway of the, pathway to love, would be the cars and you know if you have a beautiful well paved highway with a lot of wide lanes and it’s built super strong, a lot of, love, can flow through it. Now if you have one that’s not been maintained and has a lot of potholes and it’s crumbling, and then random pieces of garbage in the middle of the road, then everything’s gonna move slow or be obstructed.

So, the work that we have to do is not only to build the pathway, but to clear the pathway regularly. So, what would what would those potholes be? What would the damage be? That’s going to be our insecurities, that’s going to be our need to be liked, or people pleasing. That’s going to be our egocentric behavior. That’s going to be our self-esteem or self-respect. That’s going to be us being unwilling to be vulnerable. Think about it. When you’re not vulnerable. You’re putting up a wall. Now imagine putting that wall on a highway hoping to be able to get rid of a wall. You have to clear the wall. Right? And it’s not an overnight thing it’s going to take time to do but we have to measure progress.

You don’t have to do anything to receive love

You don’t have to be perfect and worthy of love to get qualified for love and if you have love for someone, they have to reciprocate it and it’s like no we are a source of love. The work that we’re doing to create and keep the highways clean, so we can love can flow to you.  Some of us are creating and maintaining those highways, it’s easier for some people in our lives and others. No, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just means it’s easier for others, you know, and it doesn’t require the things that we think it doesn’t require history. It doesn’t require being perfect.

Myrna: I love it. I think that is the beautiful analogy. So, we’ve got this highway, right and we want to get somewhere. We want to get married. We want to be loved, so I’ve got this highway, but I want to get to this new love partner. But you’re right, I’ve got all these potholes and I’ve got all these walls and I got all this garbage. You mentioned what some of these things are insecurities like self-esteem. You know, maybe baggage from somebody that’s hurt us. So, I’m on this highway that’s got all this stuff, but I’m not going anywhere because of all this clutter. So, in your book, do you tell people how to clear the, clutter.

Humble: Absolutely, the first thing I do is say you have to be aware of it. I’m gonna go as far as saying needing to get married is, clutter.  So, what I’m saying is understanding what the, clutter,  is super important and the, clutter, is not stopping you on a journey. The, clutter, is stopping love, from flowing in between you and the other person. So, our needs to have these external things outside of us is always going to be the first issue and then recognize as I said first thing is recognizing, clutter.

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Podbean

Be aware of the clutter blocking love

The second thing is okay, that it exists. Okay, there’s nothing wrong with any of us for having, clutter. There’s nothing wrong with any of us. We’re having imperfections that nothing wrong with any of us are having insecurities, that nothing wrong with any of us from wanting to be liked and accepted by others. All of these things are, clutter, but there’s nothing wrong with us. Love is to accept that you have, clutter. So, we need to accept ourselves as we are. And now we need to focus on progress over perfection. If somebody was perfect, but not be able to be vulnerable and if they can be vulnerable, then you cannot connect with them.

Let’s abandon this idea that everything needs to be perfect. Let’s make baby steps every single day in the right direction and celebrate those baby steps. And from that standpoint, where is the love, isn’t finding a partner or, true love, it’s about being honest and saying I’ll be good either way. I’ll be good if I have a partner or if I am single. With a partner, I can build a, pathway of love, with them. And then both of us have two independent people pillars, not my better half, not you complete me, but instead, I am a pillar. They are a pillar. And now that we are two pillars, we can hold up more together something bigger than ourselves, whether that’s a family or an empire or generational increase.

Now we work together for a purpose bigger than ourselves, but also saying I am a, source of love, and I don’t require anything other than that. I’m not encouraging isolation. We are social creatures. Our human design is to be around people. But at the end of the day, what we’re creating is, pathways of love, to be created between us and anybody. The thing is the isolation is our ego thing that we’re separate from others. When we really tap deep into that, what we start to realize and I don’t and for me personally based on you know where my family comes from in the world.

Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

God is love

We don’t differentiate God from love, this is the same energy.  Because when you genuinely love somebody that’s when you begin to melt into them. That is, how to love, the type of relationship that is possible with everyone and everything. I think that the ultimate beauty is when you can actually honestly say I would be okay single.

I don’t require something outside of me to make me feel better or complete. They said we have a 56% divorce rate. We need to focus on nutrition instead of what’s delicious. And I think a lot of the reasons we chase these types of relationships because they’re delicious or not nutritious. How to love yourself, we need to establish healthier relationships with ourselves. That will also allow for healthy relationships with other people.

Myrna: Oh, yeah, self-love. We must have, self-love. We must be vulnerable. I know being a female, I’m not understanding how the male energy works, but female we have to be able to receive, we have to be able to make yourself vulnerable and be able to receive.  You said that being aware of our imperfections and the potholes is the first step. You’re saying that we don’t need to get married to be complete, or to have a better but we don’t want to be in isolation and the Bible says Two are better than one. So, if we are, looking for love, how do we find it? This love that we want to attract? Where is the love?

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Deezer Transform Your Mind Podcast

You have to be vulnerable to let love in

  • Humble: I’m not here to say it’s better to be married versus single or what have you. The numbers are 56% divorce rate, so you can rush to get married and get in the wrong relationship and then you can end up being alone anyways. If a plane had a 56% chance of crashing, people aren’t going to get on to it. So, I think learning, how to love yourself, will set the tone for all the other relationships that you have. Okay?
  • That means you have to be, vulnerable, with yourself.
  • That means you have to accept your imperfections.
  • That means you have to go easy on yourself.
  • That means you have to date yourself.
  • That means you have to journal and get to know your deeper, darker side.
  • That means you have to pray.

Prayer is Important, prayer helps with self-awareness. Journaling helps with self-awareness. Dancing by yourself in your room, gets you more aware of how your body moves and feels and flows. That’s a level of intimacy with yourself. That’s important. There’s something called self-havening. When you hug yourself that is important.

We can hug ourselves, this level of intimacy with what we do for other people with intimacy with them and vulnerability. We can do that with ourselves. And what that allows us to do is set the tone of what we enjoy, what we don’t enjoy, what our boundaries are. And this is really important especially if you have a female audience, but we have to realize that the woman’s greatest power in a relationship is her, boundaries.

Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora
Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Women lose their value when the reduce their boundaries

Women cannot compete with other women. For a woman to compete with another woman for a man requires her to reduce her, boundaries, thus reducing the power, thus reducing her value. Men can compete with men. Because here’s the thing if I’m competing with another man, all I’m trying to do is look better, and make more money. And if I lose, I still look better and make more money. If a woman has to reduce her, boundaries, to get the man, she also lost her value. And the reason we are hesitant to maintain, boundaries, is we think they make us unlikable. That’s why we all say yes when we really mean No.

Myrna: Truth, when a woman competes with another woman for a man, she’s willing to do more than the other woman to keep the man.

Humble: A lot of us learnt to people please as children.   Maybe you tried to win over a parent’s love one day and you weren’t received well. And then you internalized thinking it’s your fault. So, then you work harder. What you may not realize is your mom or dad just had a really bad day at work. You know, our mom and dad were also raised in a world where they may not know how to be emotionally available. And there’s a million reasons why but when you’re a child, you can’t understand that.

Myrna; So what advice do you have for people looking to find a partner? We’ve covered a little bit of it. You said that we don’t need a partner to complete us so we should be okay to be by ourselves. But let’s say I still want a partner.  I want the, love pathways, to take me somewhere? What is love?

Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM
Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

Looking for love? Don’t sacrifice yourself

Humble: So, I’m not saying you don’t need a partner. What I’m saying is don’t sacrifice your, self-respect, for a partner. If you want just straight up, dating advice, one of the best pieces of advice that I got was relive, write out your entire love life. From your, first love, in kindergarten all the way up to today. Write the entire love life out. Talk about your best memories, talk about your worst memories Then go back with a highlighter and revisit the story, anything that makes you feel good highlight it. These are the qualities you want in a partner.

So for me, I had an ex-girlfriend when I was first starting this, you know, dating somebody and this is you know, 10 years ago and she said listen, the world needs to hear your voice. Stop doing everything else the world needs to hear in your voice. The world needs to hear your ideas. So, whenever I felt insecure hearing, her say that lit uplifted me. Later on, if I was dating somebody else and they’re like, look, you know work isn’t everything. Your mission isn’t everything. Money isn’t everything. I would be like; you’re not understanding what my purpose on this planet is. We’re not compatible.

So, I wrote that down somebody that understand the purpose of, Humble the Poet.

Transform your Mind Podcast Index
Transform your Mind Podcast Index

How to Be loved

Myrna: Tell us about your book. Now normally this is the part where I asked why did you write it? And what do you want people to walk away with? But if you told me, you wrote it because you wanted to challenge the norms and challenge the way that people live their lives superficially. But what do you want to add to that?

Book: How to be love(d)
Book: How to be love(d)

How to Be Love(d): Simple Truths for Going Easier on Yourself, Embracing Imperfection & Loving Your Way to a Better Life

 

Humble: I want people to understand that even after you read the book, even after you hear this interview, I’m not a love guru. I’m not a love expert. What I am is I am somebody who had a failed relationship. And I was desperate to figure out why it failed. I was with a beautiful person who was beautiful inside and out. But there was a lot of anxiety and a lot of toxic energy within me that wouldn’t allow me to go deeper and connect with them.

For us to spend our lives together and I was desperate to figure out why I was failing at love. So, I took a super deep dive to explore love and figure out what I was doing wrong. And this book is what I learned. So, I’m not a, love guru. What I am is I’m a student at the front of the class, taking the most precise, simple notes and I’m sharing them with everybody else. And I’m still figuring myself out. I’m still learning, what is love.

Additional Resources

How to Love Yourself and Heal The Body

212 Degrees: The Extra One Degree of Effort

212 degrees of effort

At 211 degrees, water is hot. At 212 degrees it boils and turns to steam. That steam can power a train. The extra, one degree of effort is all it takes to go from water to steam.  Are you living your life on cruise control? If so, you will always be mediocre and always missing the podium. So, I want to share with you what happens between, 211 degrees, and just one extra degree at, 212 degrees.

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Water boils at 212 degrees

Below 32 degrees, water is solid.

Above 32, water is liquid.

At 211 degrees, water is hot.

At, 212 degrees, water boils, it turns to steam, and steam can power a train. One extra, degree, can change the state of water. One extra, degree of effort, can be the thing that takes you to the next level. One extra, degree of effort, in sports and life, can separate the good from the great. One extra, degree of effort, can change your life.

Here are some examples of that one degree of effort.
  • Olympic – Men’s Giant Slalom 0.17 seconds was the margin of victory that means that the winner gave that extra, degree of effort, to win by 0.17 seconds.
  • Olympic men’s 800-meter 0.05 seconds margin of victory. That means a push at the finish line. 0.05 seconds is a neck!

By giving that one extra, degree of effort, moved them from hot to steaming, these champions achieved results beyond their wildest expectations.

Transform Your Mind Podcast Podvine
Transform Your Mind Podcast Podvine

Getting to 212 degrees daily

You can get to, 212 degrees, daily. The extra, degree of effort, is something we can all apply ..every day.

This is your life you are responsible for the results.

Those results that can take you beyond your wildest dreams.

So, if you want to win, then it is time to turn up the heat.

Nobody wants a Luke warm person.

Are you Lukewarm in your affections?

Lukewarm in your efforts?

If you are not feeling the heat, you are not pushing hard enough.

Have you ever tried to build muscle? How do you build muscle? You build muscle by giving that extra degree of effort to feel the burn.  When you feel the burn, we always want to stop, but you have to do one more repetition, you have to feel the pain that extra degree of effort to get to 212 degrees!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he used to work his arms until they hung limp at his sides shaking.

Do you think he was lukewarm in his training? No, the 6-time Mr. Olympia had steam coming from his nostrils!

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Here are 3 ways to turn up the heat to get you to 212 degrees:

Consider the ABC’s of change:

Attitude: Everything starts with your attitude. When you turn up the heat, water starts the process of turning into steam. A small change in your, attitude, can have a positive impact on your behavior. When you have a positive, growth mindset, gritty attitude, your behavior improves. When you believe you can do something, you attack it with more force. Approach everything with the right attitude. You have to believe you can win. Water knows it can turn to steam.

Behavior: Growth and improvement happen in small, consistent acts over time. Show me your habits and show me how you are acting and behaving and I will show you how you will perform. Water changes when its temperature changes. We perform better when we make positive changes in our behavior and have better habits.

Consistency: You can’t do something just once and expect to see change. When water gets to, 212 degrees, it starts to steam, but if you remove it from the heat then drops back down to, 211 degrees, it will return back to just water at 32 degrees. If you can’t stay consistent, you will fall back to who you were, lukewarm.

Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna

Additional Resources

Motivate Yourself with The Power of Positive Thinking

 

Are the 5 Stages of Grief a Myth?

myth 5 stages of grief

Krista St-Germain watched her husband killed by a drunk driver as he was changing her flat tire at the side of the road. After she was able to uncurl herself from the fetal position, she started working on the journey of post traumatic growth and became a Master certified coach to help other widows how to deal with,  grief, and debunk the myth of the, 5 stages of grief.

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Bio

Krista St-Germain is a Master Certified Life Coach, Post-Traumatic Growth and grief expert, widow, mom and host of The Widowed Mom Podcast. When her husband was killed by a drunk driver in 2016, Krista’s life was completely and unexpectedly flipped upside down. After therapy helped her uncurl from the fetal position, Krista discovered Life Coaching, Post Traumatic Growth, and learned the tools she needed to move forward and create a future she could get excited about. Now she coaches and teaches other, widows, so they can love life again, too.

Myrna: Can you share your story of your, grief, following your husband’s death.

Krista: I was 40 When my husband died, it was my second marriage. My first one did not end all that well. And my second marriage was to me proof that amazing relationships are possible that you can be treated with respect and cherished. He was a lovely man who’s French Canadian. English was his second language, and we worked together.

The day the accident happened we had been on a trip, but we had driven separately. I had a flat tire on the way back we were almost back to my home city, so I pulled over on the side of the road, and he pulled up behind me in his car. And even though we had AAA service, he just didn’t want to wait on AAA to come, he just wanted to get home.

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My grief was caused by a drunk driver

So, I’m standing on the side of the road texting my daughter who was 12 at the time to tell her that we would be a little bit late. And he’s digging in my trunk, essentially his car’s parked behind my car. He’s trying to get access to the spare tire, and its daylight 5.30 pm on a Sunday and a driver who we later found out had meth and alcohol in his system, did not see our hazard lights and just crashed into the back of Hugo’s car and trapped him in between his car and my car. And you know within 24 hours he was gone.

So, I went from having this amazing marriage and life to thinking that I would probably never be that happy again. And that I should just be grateful for what I had, because if it wasn’t going to be what it once was. First, I made a call to my therapist and I still had a therapist who had been very supportive and helpful to me when I had gotten my divorce. So I went back to her and I spent those early weeks of, grief, just letting myself feel the pain. And it really helped to be able to talk about my, grief, with her.

There are, 5 stages of grief, and in the first stage, the brain goes through which I didn’t know at the time, but I understand now. The brain literally encodes “WE” so when you’re in a significant relationship, the brain makes a move from I to “WE” and so it has to then make that rewire itself essentially over time and move back from “We” to I. But while you’re in this weird place in your brain, you don’t feel exactly the same. Sometimes you kind of question yourself because you know intellectually that they died.

You still expect that they didn’t. One of the, five stages of grief, is denial. So, the garage door goes up and you still expect they will come in the door. You reach over in the middle of the night and you still expect that they will be there.  Something happens and you pick up your phone and you attempt to text them. And so therapy was just really helpful to be able to talk that through with someone and say it as many times as I needed to say it and just let my brain adjust to the actual fact that he really had died and this really wasn’t a bad dream that I was going to wake up from.

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  • Individual tax returns
  • Estate & Trust Tax that helps heirs significantly minimize the expenses relating to obtaining their inheritance.
  • Sales Tax returns because All businesses have sales tax obligations to state and local tax authorities. Our professionals can help clients understand the sales tax collection process.

To Schedule your consultation head over to https://www.pattysnotaryandtax.com/

Call us at 800-291-2560|

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Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast
Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast

Hitting a grief plateau in the 5 stages of grief

After I went back to work, I kind of reached the place where a few months in I felt stagnant. Therapists was telling me I was doing a great job. This is what I now call it, grief plateau. I didn’t have a word for it then. But that’s where all of my clients get stuck. In this place where everyone else has gone back to normal living. You look like you’re fine because you’re handling the day-to-day tasks of life.  You look like you’re doing okay. And so, everyone’s telling you that you’re strong because they think you are and that you’re doing so great because it looks like you are but then on the inside you don’t feel great on the inside.

Life is this kind of empty and maybe hollow and maybe robotic and it’s just you go through the motions but there’s not a lot of joy inside. And that’s kind of where I found myself. And thankfully at that moment in time. We could call it a few things right, but it was divine timing in my opinion. That right when I really needed it and was ready for it. A coaching program came to me and it was a brand-new coaching program from a coach I had followed for a long time.  It was not, grief, related, but I had listened to her podcast and I trusted her. And what she taught really resonated with me. And so I decided to go ahead and take the leap of faith and do her program.

Even though it wasn’t, grief, related, it was the tools and the things that she taught me about how to how to deal with my, emotions. And how to think about about my future. It took me from a place where I really did believe that my best days were behind me to the possibility that I could believe my best days were in front of me if I wanted and it was just really powerful.

And so, I decided, as do many people when you lose something or someone important to you, you kind of start doing an inventory on how you’re living your life. One of the, 5 stages of grief, is bargaining  so, you start asking yourself, am I am I living the way that I want to live? And the answer for me was no.  I didn’t I love the people that I worked with, I didn’t love my job, we built planes.  I was never inspired.

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The grief journey is long that is why the 5 stages of grief is a myth

Myrna: I understand the, grief, journey is long. My daughter will call me up and say, Mom, and it’s not getting any better and the days are still long and I can’t wait to get through them.

Krista: Yeah, I remember that so well, too. And I see it so often in the women that I coach. It’s almost that when the world is the quietest, like evenings or weekends, it’s when you sit down and you stop working. That tends to be the moments that we dread the most because that’s when our brain starts to offer us some really challenging thoughts.

That’s when my brain would offer me you know, you should probably just be grateful because it’s really never it’s never going to be that good again. Or, no one’s really ever gonna love you like he did. No one’s going to accept your shadows and all of your humaneness like he did.

I think there is opportunity there, to open ourselves up to what’s really happening in that moment. The, stages of grief, are all emotions and we were never taught how to deal with feelings and emotions.  Nobody ever said, emotions, aren’t problems for you to solve. They’re just experiences for you to allow. What I was taught was you know, if you’re gonna cry, should probably go to your bedroom, you should probably do that alone. So in the, 5 stages of grief, you are supposed to get to, acceptance, but that is a myth.

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5 stages of grief: Anger

One of the, 5 stages of grief, is anger. But we were taught that if you’re angry, that means that something bad, you’re an angry person and we and maybe that means you shouldn’t be angry. And so I very much thought of, emotions, as problems to solve.  I have learned that it is that philosophy that that makes those moments so awful. Feeling the, emotions, of, grief, makes us want to get out of our current experience and turn to something for comfort. It makes us want to turn to food or it makes us want to turn to alcohol or to shopping or to any distraction such as social media scrolling, it just really makes us want to get away.

Because we don’t have any other, coping mechanism, it really starts to kind of shrink what’s possible for us emotionally. So, we might be able to escape that intense loneliness with whatever the behavior is that we’re choosing, but then conversely, limit what’s possible for us in terms of taking advantage of new opportunities and figuring out what we want to think about ourselves or where we want to go next. So, we end up in this very kind of stagnant place. I call it the, emotional stagnation, zone where we’ve we’re numbing out a little bit.

Myrna: Do you teach your clients to just sit and feel there, grief? Because a lot of coaches and luminaries such as Sadhguru and all these luminaries, teach that you’ve got to feel the uncomfortable emotions. Don’t try to do to try to get rid of them. Just sit with them and let them move through you. So sitting with the, anger, is good.

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iHeart Radio

Using the NOW Acronym to handle grief

Krista: I do teach them to sit with their, emotions.  I use an acronym called NOW, which I find is very easy to remember.

  • N – and it simply stands for name. So, you’ve just named the, emotions, in the, 5 stages of grief. So this is, anger, this is loneliness, this is denial etc.
  • O – stands for Open which means open up to it, which is completely the opposite of what you will want to do. Right? But breathe it in, open your shoulders, open your chest, give it permission to be with you, and then witness your feelings of, grief.
  • W – Is to witness. Become aware, witness just means watch what’s happening in your body. How are the emotions of, grief, showing up in your body. Where in your body do you notice it? Is it in your throat? Is it in your chest? Is it in your abdomen? Where is it and what is it like? Is it fast? Is it slow? Does it have a texture? Does it have a color, does it have a shape? Does it take up a little amount of space? Or is it a large amount of space? You know what actually is it and then by observing it, we get our mind off of the thoughts that created it in the first place.

Then it just flows through and once you get good at it, what I found is that it really only takes a couple of minutes for an, emotion, to flow through and so I teach it that way. And then also I don’t know about you, I love, Emotional Freedom Technique tapping. So, I teach my clients about that too. I have found great value in that over my lifetime and it helps move, widows, through the, 5 stages of grief.

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TuneIn Radio

Tapping gives us relief from the painful emotions of grief

Myrna: I just got introduced to, EFT tapping. Do you tap on the head?

Krista: Tapping, it’s a very flexible tool. So sometimes you can get great relief simply by, tapping, on the side of your hand, which some people will call the, karate chop point, and then also on the collarbone those are the points that if I am just looking for immediate relief, from my, grief, emotions, that I tap.

If I’m in a public situation where I don’t really want it to be all that noticeable, I’ll tap on those spots, but if you’re going through the full, tapping, regime, they’re the, karate chop point, and then eight other points make up what they call the basic recipe. And so, but it’s just it’s kind of like an off switch to you’re your, stress response, so your cortisol drops. You can breathe a little bit deeper, but I do see it as a huge opportunity.

Myrna; I haven’t had anyone in the show talking about, tapping, but I’ve read a lot of books and a lot of therapist’s touch on it. And recently, I was going through a meditative process. And one of the things that I was told is tap on your collarbone and also tap on the top of your head to certain parts of your head.

All right now you one of the things that you teach is that you said that the, Stages of Grief, are a myth. And I think one of the stages we were probably talking about what are the stages there when you said you’re in a kind of dead zone.  Can you talk about the traditional, 5 stages of grief. Then we can talk about the myths. I know one of the, 5 stages of grief, is anger; one of them is denial.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

The myth of the 5 stages of Grief

Krista: Yeah, first of all, I think it’s interesting when I asked this question, if I asked people how, you know how many of you knew about the, five stages of grief, or had heard of the, five stages of grief? Most people raise their hands. And then if I ask what other, grief theories, have you heard of? I usually don’t get much people don’t they’ve never heard of anything besides the, five stages of grief. And so, I think it’s just important for us to know that as with any field of study, there are multiple theories.

The, five stages of grief, is just one of the older ones and one that seems to have caught on in terms of our popular culture. So, there are many other ways of looking at, grief, besides the five stages. And I also have a lot of respect for Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who, pioneered that work in her time. She made conversations about, grief, happen at a time when they really weren’t happening. But her approach was never really intended to be it. She never really intended anyone to take her work and make it as literal as people made it right.

So, what she was doing was studying initially hospice patients. She was studying people who were coming to terms with their own mortality. She was not studying people who had lost someone.

The Five stages of grief:
  • denial,
  • anger
  • bargaining,
  • depression,
  • acceptance,

Those were the, five stages of grief,  that she saw happening with death and dying and then on, grief, and grieving along with David Kessler, and that work was taken and misinterpreted. So really, I think, if she were here today what she would be more likely to say is something along the lines of these are things you might experience, but you don’t need to experience them in any particular order. You are not trying to get to an end point; grief, doesn’t end.

She was not trying to say that we should all be shooting for, acceptance of grief, and then whenever we reach the point of, acceptance, that somehow that’s a fixed and finite place. She wasn’t saying that, that’s what people have heard. And that’s the boxes that they tried to put themselves in as well that they will come to me and they will say things like well, am I angry enough? Or I’m not sure that I ever felt angry. It’s not a problem. Did I do something wrong? Am I doing, grief, wrong? Because I never really felt angry. And instead of taking it as, as a starting point, a way of normalizing what could happen we’ve turned it into something prescriptive, which was never how I think that work was intended.

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Podbean

5 stages of grief: Denial

Myrna: You mentioned that you would be in bed and you’re be looking over for your husband and when you heard the garage door open you would hope it was him. Isn’t that, denial?  Some people do get angry thinking what why did this happen? A lot of people get angry at God because they’re thinking why would God do this to me? So, I’m thinking that, even though the, stages of grief, is not prescriptive, it’s understanding that if you feel these, emotions, then there’s nothing wrong with you because it’s natural.

I would think that we always have to get to a place of, acceptance. I talked to you about my daughter when she went through, grief, because her fiancé, the man that she loved, committed suicide and she had some guilt there. Because they had a fight before he committed suicide so, she felt that she was responsible. But now she’s happily married. So, at some point in time, she had to get through the, five stages of grief. I don’t know if she was ever angry, but guessing she got to, acceptance.

Krista: I think anytime we can tell people that what they’re experiencing is an abnormal that is not in service. And so, I’m imagining that it was rather freeing for people to hear that it was okay to be angry, but that didn’t mean there was anything wrong with them if they were angry, right. So, I do think that is helpful.

And I do think it’s also helpful to offer someone what might be available to them when they feel or think in ways that create, acceptance. But I think we want to be careful of saying that when we get to, acceptance, grief ends.  And that’s, that’s my issue with, acceptance. We might accept something. But that doesn’t mean that because we have accepted it, we are now somehow freed of it.

Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

What is the goal of grief?

The goal of, grief, is not to get through it. The goal of, grief, is to integrate. Right? Because we can’t undo the loss. We’re not capable of time travel. So, we’re always going to have thoughts and feelings about the loss. And so, we never get to the end of, grief, or we don’t move on from, grief. We move forward with, grief, and we integrate that part of our life experience into the rest of our life, right? It becomes something that we now see the world through. So, what I want to help people do is just to do that with intention.

I try to help people with is to, to open them up to the idea that everything they have, everything they need is already has been given to them and is within them. Right? And that they really their happiness comes from within. And so, if they can find that truth in themselves and realize that they really are, you know, fully intact and valuable and worthy and wonderful and they don’t need anything outside of them, then if they do choose to be in a partner relationship that experience can become about giving. Right about being filled with love, and then finding someone who you want to give that love to, as opposed to what they often feel, which is the opposite is that they have a hole and they’re trying to find someone to fill it

Myrna; So that’s amazing. So yeah, so the cure is the same cure for everything. I love it. All right, so now, tell us about the Widowed Mom’s podcast and talk to us about your coaching program for helping widows.

Conclusion

Krista: If you have you have people listening who are podcast listeners. If they want to learn about, grief, I very much invite them to listen to the Widowed Mom podcast. It’s pretty specific, but I get a lot of feedback that it’s very helpful for people who are just curious about, grief, and curious about post traumatic growth and maybe want to support someone that they love who’s experiencing, grief.

And then the program that I run is highly niche right. I specifically work with, widowed moms, moms of all ages. Some of my moms have grandchildren, right? It’s not just widows with very young children, but women who identify as moms, and I help them figure out how to get through that, grief plateau, and get to a place where they really do love life again.  I do that and in a six-month program.

They can find it at www.coachingwithkrista.com. Also, if anybody needs help, figuring out what episodes of the podcast would be helpful. I have a podcast quiz that I think is really good to take. and it’s at coachingwithKrista.com/grief support, and it’s a free quiz. and if you take the quiz, it will point you towards the most useful episodes for you based on what you might be struggling with.

Additional Resources

How Does Grief Affect Mental Health

 

Why God Loves Gratitude

Gratitude why god loves it

Gratitude, is at the top of the, positive emotions, list and is an energy that attracts goodness into your life. Jesus, said, gratitude, can also make you, whole.

Welcome back to the transform your mind to transform your life the podcast. You are listening to 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. Today I want to teach on the topic Why God loves Appreciative people.  I want to use as my foundation scripture Luke 17:15 to 18

One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him.

Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you whole.

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Why you should express gratitude

My Pastor Apostle Glover preached this message a few weeks back and it brought to my awareness that I have a good life because I came back to say thanks to God.

Just to be sure I knelt at the alter and gave God thanks for every blessing in my life.

I am big on, gratitude, my parents taught me to say thanks for everything I received. I never complete an email without thanking the person who sent it.

I have had personal relationships with people who were never appreciative of what others did for them and because of that never experienced life’s abundance and always struggled. They were never, grateful.

The 10 lepers healed by Jesus

Jesus said to the one leper, who returned that his, gratitude, or faith made him, whole. Why is, gratitude, so important to God?

Gratitude, is at the top of the, positive emotions, list and is an energy that attracts goodness into your life. Jesus, said, gratitude, can also make you, whole.

10 Common Positive Emotions 
  • Joy.
  • Gratitude.
  • Pride.
  • Serenity.
  • Interest.
  • Amusement.
  • Hope.
  • Awe.
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Podbay FM

What is the Definition of wholeness?

To be, whole, means that your insides match your outside. In other words if you feel peace and joy on the inside, life will present you peaceful experiences on the outside.

On the other hand, if everything in your world is chaotic then you know that you have no internal peace.

Wholeness is the state of being perfectly well in body, soul (mind, will and emotions) and spirit.

God expects us to give thanks for our blessings or we will not be well in body soul and spirit. That why God loves appreciative people.

How many times you have heard people say that they had huge financial success, but no peace or happiness on the inside? They did not feel fulfilled. That’s because there were not, whole. Maybe they are one of the ones who never came back to thank the Lord for blessing them with abundance and overflow. Only, gratitude, makes you whole.

When you live in, gratitude, God promises to pour our blessings you don’t have room to receive.

Transform Your Mind podcast curiocaster podcast
curiocaster podcast

Express gratitude to the people who helped you

Don’t be like the nine, lepers, who were so happy to be healed that they forgot to come back and thank the person who healed them.  Remember to thank the people who helped you along the way. Not just your parents, but teachers, friends who were there for you in your time of need, supervisors who trained you or didn’t fire you when you messed up and of course your team. The people who help you succeed.

When you, give thanks, that energy seeps into all areas of your life creating, wholeness.

RadioPublic Transform your mind
RadioPublic Transform your mind
Practicing gratitude can:
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Improve immune function
  • Enable quicker recovery from illness
  • Allow one to enjoy more robust physical health
  • Promote happiness and well-being
  • Reduce lifetime risk for depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders
  • Help with coping more effectively with everyday stress
  • Show increased resilience in the face of trauma-induced stress
  • Help protect from the destructive impulses of envy, resentment, greed, and bitterness

https://youtu.be/q84cfJW_FP0

Conclusion

Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. I hope you were inspired to always give thanks and be, grateful, because God loves appreciative people. Until next time Namaste

Additional Resources 

Look At The Heart Not Outward Appearance

Why Leading With Feminine Energy Gets Results

Leading with Feminine energy

Allyson Chavez, prosperity and success coach stops by the show to teach us how to embrace, feminine energy, and get us out of push and hustle which is, masculine energy, to flow and pleasure.

We talk about how women can embrace, pleasure, as a success tool without feelings of guilt and shame. Allyson turned her business around after filing for Bankruptcy to over 2 million in 3 years by getting out of, masculine energy.

Download podcast here: 

https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/12038500-why-women-should-lead-with-feminine-energy.mp3?download=true

BIO

Allyson Chavez is a prosperity & success coach for ambitious, God-centered women. She teaches women how to get phenomenal results with ease, bend time & space, achieve their goals without hustle or grind, and reshape their reality in feminine energy (no more constant pushing)!

She is a sought-after speaker on mindset, prosperity, universal laws and success strategies for relationships and life. She is the bestselling author of The Prosperity Approach. Her work has been featured on CBS, NBC, ABC, FOX, and hundreds of television, newspaper, and magazine outlets.

Allyson believes that challenge is necessary on your journey to success–but the struggle isn’t! Her mission is to end the struggle and bring joy to the lives of millions of women around the globe.

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Using your feminine energy to get into flow

Allyson: I was coaching women, I was teaching them to be successful. And I was in hustle and grind and constant push and figure it out and make it happen. And I’m not good enough and all of that nonsense that we go through. And actually, I built my company from nothing to multiple six figures in just over two years. But I didn’t have the right, mindset. I didn’t have the right structure behind me as far as like my own belief system.

I was just in so much, masculine energy. And so, my business began to crumble. And the harder I worked to save that thing, the faster my business fell, and it landed in a what I like to call like financial Armageddon.  It was translated into a chapter 13 Bankruptcy several years ago, and when the dust settled, and I had a moment of clarity, I was like, wow, I created this and I didn’t mean to. I wonder if I can create my way out of it. I bet I can.

And I really feel like that’s the moment when God and my angels were like, she is ready. She’s gonna learn. He’s ready to suit up and get on the field and actually go do this. There were three really important things that God needed to teach me:

  • First it was understanding the difference between, feminine energy, and, masculine energy.
  • balancing the two and then leading with the, feminine.
  • I had to learn how money actually works on a spiritual and energetic level.
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Feminine energy grew my business to multiple 6 figures

I learned how to change my beliefs and subconscious programs. And I learned those three things actually really quickly, and I started to apply them and within six months, I went from a bankruptcy to $232,000. I went from six clients to 97 clients in the same amount of time, I released 45 pounds.  And it was the easiest, most effortless, most supportive 45 pounds I have ever released in my life. I did that in about four months, transformed my relationships with my spouse, with our children.

And just like all of life changed in amazing ways. And that was about three years ago. Now we’ve done over 2.1 million over the last three years. I’ve  kept the weight off. I’ve kept the, feminine, on.  I’ve been on this planet too with everybody else over the last three years. So, like there have been ups and downs as well. We’ve had heartbreak in our family. We’ve had the flow of money problem just like everybody else has, but it’s been amazing how we’ve been able to navigate it so much better. Because of these things that I know and especially leading with, feminine energy.

Myrna: So, I understand that, masculine energy, at work. I’ve had this really interesting guest on my show, The episode is called “What men Want In a Woman” he’s coming back again, and he’s saying that women should have their, masculine energy, at work, but they should leave it in a drawer at night. And when they go home, they switch on the, feminine energy. You’re talking about working with, feminine energy, at work.

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How to shift from masculine energy to feminine energy

Myrna; What was the catalyst in your shift from, masculine energy, to feminine energy? I mean, you went into chapter 13. But that doesn’t inevitably say, hey, I got to change to, feminine energy. What happened there?

Allyson: The catalyst was that I was robbed of joy.

So, first and foremost, I want to make a distinction. We’re not talking about male and female; we’re talking about energies of creation.  Every gender has both, feminine energy, and, masculine energy, as women were meant to lead with our, feminine energy. So, if you think about an analogy, if we have a river bank, the river bank is, masculine energy, and the river is, feminine energy.

If we only have the river and no riverbank, that water gets very destructive. It goes everywhere. It seeps into everything, but it doesn’t have a whole lot of power, because it’s got has no direction behind it. If we only have the river bank, but there’s no river flowing that river bank has no purpose.

And that’s why if we as women are in constant, masculine energy, constantly building, the constant framework, the structure, the strategies, the tactics, without letting the feminine lead, which is the vision, it’s the imagination, it’s the flow. It’s the experience we desire to have. And so the, masculine, and the, feminine energies, are complementary energies. Feminine energy, is very circular or spiral in the way that it moves, masculine energy, is very linear in the way that it moves.

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Masculine energy is very linear

Think about how women have conversations. We go, here we go there we go back there. Then we circle back around here, like leaping everywhere. And men have a very hard time following that because they’re in, masculine energy, which is very linear. But when we as women lead with our, feminine, the, masculine energy, is actually divinely designed to serve the, feminine. Regena Thomas shower is an expert on, feminine energy, and she says the primary function of, feminine energy, is desire. And the primary function of, masculine energy, is the production of that desire.

So what’s here to support us in our dreams, as I’ve been pondering, and I’ve been doing research and my own experience, what came to me intuitively was feminine is the experience and masculine is the execution. So, it’s understandable why women in business whether you own your own company or whether you’re working in a corporation, we are like, all masculine all the time, because it’s about production, right? It’s about productivity. It’s about getting stuff done and meeting your numbers and all of those things that are really important here.

But that doesn’t serve anybody in the workforce if women are just behaving like shorter, less hairy men.  We are robbed of a really important creative energy, which is the, feminine, and a lot of women think okay, I’m gonna wear some pink hoop earrings or hoop earrings and then that’s going to make me feminine. No, that’s not, feminine energy!

Myrna: Yes, we want to be in that, feminine, flow. We want to start in, feminine energy, and keep it throughout the day. The, feminine, is all about connection. It’s all about community.

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No need to feel guilty about feminine pleasure

Myrna: Let’s talk about, feminine pleasure, without feeling guilty shame I was listening to the Jay Shetty podcast and he was interviewing Alex Cooper, she is apparently the female Joe Rogan. So, I listened to one of her episodes on Call Her Daddy, and she was selling, vibrators.  And she was saying the, vibrator, it’s going to come in a non-disclosed box so you don’t have to be ashamed. So as women we are all ashamed about, feminine pleasure.

Allyson: So, here’s the thing about, feminine pleasure, pleasure lights a woman up the same way pressure lights a man up, it fuels us in very in very different ways. So, women have been taught that, pleasure, is something to be ashamed of, that, pleasure, is a waste of time, that downtime is a waste of time. And if you go into any sort of, pleasure, now you’re behind in your work. And so why would we even do that? But women are fueled by, pleasure, the same way men are fueled by pressure.

And, since you said the word, vibrator, so we’re gonna go here, but we’re going to be really clinical about why women and men are designed the way they are. So, the reason why women are fueled by, pleasure, is that pleasure actually connects them. We have a natural connection with the eternal. Now that doesn’t mean that men aren’t spiritual, but women are more naturally wired to the eternal than men are. We are built to receive the, feminine, is a receiving energy.

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Feminine energy is a receiving energy

Feminine energy, it’s all about receiving and we have a, pleasure portal, an organ in our body that has one function, one function only, and that structure is called our is our, clitoris. In order for men to receive, pleasure, there has to be a functionality to it, as well for them to be able to receive, pleasure, through, sexual organs. But women don’t have to do that, women can just receive that pleasure and it literally connects us to God. So, if you think about those times when you have been in, pleasure, isn’t that when you get inspiration?

Isn’t that where you feel open? And you get wonderful ideas and you feel connected and you can see God more clearly in your life and you just love people more, because you’re receiving that, pleasure. So, women get fueled by, pleasure. Men get fueled by pressure, because men connect pressure to a sexual experience, because men have to experience pressure in order to ejaculate. And so, that’s creativity that’s creating life. That’s potential life, potential creation. And so, men thrive in pressure because it reminds them of creation, and their part in creation, where women actually thrive on, pleasure, because that’s their part of creation is pleasure.

Myrna: I actually heard that in order for the sperm and the egg to connect, there still has to be orgasm. I don’t know how true it is. But what you’re saying is that we’re getting, pleasure, from our, feminine energy, that’s our function in this whole creation process.

Receiving pleasure is not only sexual

Allyson: And pleasure doesn’t just have to be sexual. And I think this is where lots of women take it.

Myrna: I agree, pleasure is not always sexual. I get immense, pleasure, from walking in the park and listening to inspirational material. I get pleasure from dancing.  A lot of people get, pleasure, from food.

Allyson: People get, pleasure, from a lot of things. Right? Yeah. And this is what happens when you are in, pleasure. A hormone is released called, oxytocin, in our body. And, oxytocin, is a connecting hormone. Some people call it the cuddle hormone. It’s why, when you’re in pleasure, you want to share it with somebody, you want to reach out to your girlfriends. That cuddle hormone when we’re in, oxytocin, and it helps us with our radiant as women.

Now when we are task oriented, and we’re checking the boxes and we’re crossing off the to do list, what we get hit with is, dopamine, and, dopamine, is that that sense of achievement that means you are in, masculine energy.

It’s different, because it makes you feel accomplished that feeling accomplished is a much different experience from receiving, pleasure. Both are important, but if we’re in too much, dopamine, that actually inhibits, oxytocin, which is why so many women will hit goals and still feel unfulfilled. That was what I experienced, you know, where we were making more money than we’d ever made and all I felt was tired. Then my business coaches would say “now double it.” And I’m like, are you kidding me? I just ripped up my entire soul for that. And now I got to double that thing.

Pleasure lights us up

And so that’s why that’s what I meant by like that price tag was way too high. I was in, dopamine, and I was in pressure, but I wasn’t thriving in it because we thrive in, oxytocin, and in, pleasure. Here’s what happens to us physiologically as well, when we’re in, pleasure. It actually helps us to focus more. If you’ve got brain fog going on. There are lots of different contributors to brain fog, but I fully believe that one of them is you’re in too much push and you’re in too much, masculine energy. So, if you’ll pull out of that, and you’ll get into some, pleasure.

Myrna: How can single mothers find pleasure?

Allyson: Single mothers need community, women need a community and more so than anybody else would be single mothers who are wearing the mother and the father hat all the time and the provider and the nurturer hat like all the time, they need that support group. They need their community of people that will encourage them, people that can give them breaks every once in a while so that they can reconnect with their identity, reconnect with who they are.

Start your day in, feminine energy. Start your day in quiet and if that means waking up 15 minutes early, then wake up 15 minutes early. It’s the greatest gift you can give to yourself and do a breathing meditation where you just breathe in and you breathe out and listen to soothing music with the whole intention of opening yourself up to receive, because God or your higher power wants to connect with you. Your higher self wants to guide you, wants to do the heavy lifting for you. You just need to put yourself into a position of receiving in order for that to happen.

Conclusion

Let us know how we can reach you online, your website. What is your free gift for us?

Awesome. Thank you. So, I think that the, feminine, is a deeper dive so I actually created a free download. So you can look at the list of, feminine qualities and masculine qualities right there laid out for you. You can also find out what it looks like when we show up in disempowered feminine or disempowered masculine, so you know which energy you’re playing in more often than not.

You can get that at www.prosperity approach.com/ataglance.  But this was so helpful for me to just really start doing a really beautiful dance between the feminine and the masculine and leading with my feminine. I also have a podcast it’s called the prosperity approach. And so, if you want to hear my philosophy and practical tips for actually living in prosperity, rather than waiting for prosperity to come to you before you live in it, I would love to have you join my audience there as well. You can also head over to over to Allysonchavez.com You can join our free Facebook group. It’s called the prosperity experience. And I actually have regular master classes where we talk about mindset, where we talk about how to change those programs and how to lead with that feminine and you can find out more information about that at prosperity approach.com/free-masterclass

Additional Resources 

How to Embrace Female Sexuality and the Divine Feminine

Why Birds Fly Together in a V Formation

Why Birds Fly in a V Formation

Ever noticed the beauty and grace of, birds, flying together in the sky? Ever wondered who selects the leader and why all the, birds, follow the leader?

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Birds fly in a V formation

Birds, fly together in a, V formation, because the aerodynamic V, formation, reduces, air resistance, for the whole flock. With their wings moving in harmony, the feathered group continues its course across the sky, covering more ground together in, community, than they could as individuals. When the, bird, at the front gets tired, she will move to the rear of the, formation, where the, wind drag, is lowest, and a more rested, bird, takes her place.

As humans there are lessons to be learned from, birds, about the power of, community. When we move with others there is little we cannot accomplish.

I was listening to the Jay Shetty podcast a few days back with Kevin Hart and when asked about his success Kevin said he is successful because of the people on his, team.  He says we can never achieve success as a solo act. I have heard this said in so many different ways. Like there is no I in team, etc.

Transform Your Mind Amazon
Transform Your Mind Amazon

Birds soar heavenward in a community

That is why I wanted to use this analogy as a teaching today.  As, birds, swoop, drift, and glide, inscribing magnificent patterns across the sky, with serene displays of grace and beauty. Who says you can’t look good as you climb to the top! Birds have long been a source of inspiration, because they can be messengers from the spirit realm, or a symbol of the human soul, as they cast off their earthly mooring and soar heavenward with upturned wings, fluttering gracefully, effortlessly and free… More magnificent still is the inspiring sight of, birds migrating, progressing steadily across the horizon in a solid, V formation, that is a singular pattern too unique to be mere chance.

All of us can feel empowered to take on daring challenges of growth and expansion in a community of likeminded individuals.  We can either do it alone and work hard flapping our imaginary wings or we can glide upward with our, support group or, team.

Just like Moses needed someone to hold up his hands when they were tired, members of your, team, can hold us up when we are tired and take on some of the tasks. The energy of others in a group also builds up our energy and their presence lends power to our wings during this journey across the sky of life.

Podfriend Transform Your Mind Podcast
Podfriend Transform Your Mind Podcast

A support community help us cope with tragedy

When unexpected gusts or storms blows our way, we can choose to find refuge in the loving shelter of friends and family and let someone else lead for a while. If your wings begin to ache on your journey, look around for somebody else to fly at the front for a while. All of us move faster when we move together.

We can also use the analogy of, birds flying, together in a, V formation, to support us in difficult situations like, tragedy, grief, weight loss, fitness etc.

At times we need to tap into the collective strength of a group to deal with trauma that is why support groups like AA and mothers who have lost children are necessary for healing.  When you get together in a, community, of like-minded individuals, people who have had similar experiences as yourself, then it makes the journey back to wholeness so much easier, because like the, birds, who take turns at leading and retreating, in the group when you are strong you support and encourage others and when you are weak someone from the group supports you by holding you up.

Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast
Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast
Conclusion

Thanks for tuning in to this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna.

Additional Resources 

How to Assemble Your Power Team Like WandaVision

The Circle of Life: Embracing Motherhood

Circle of life: Motherhood

Keshia Morris Desir, my daughter and mom to be interviews me on motherhood.  In my book Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement I talk about motherhood and how being a mom is my purpose.

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Bio

Keshia Morris Desir has a blossoming career in DC. She is an activist working in DC to disrupt the over criminalization of communities of color by investigating and exposing the underlying causes of mass incarceration through a democracy lens.  Getting incarceration money out of politics, and advocating for guaranteed voting rights for everyone, including people serving time in prison. But today she is speaking as my daughter about becoming a mother. She is entering into the second trimester of her first pregnancy.

Keshia: I am super excited to be here with my mother today to interview her on her book, Out of the Snares: A story of hope and encouragement and her chapter on, motherhood.

The very first question I have for you, mom is in your book, you share a bit about the, circle of life, and how your parents were not married when you were born. So, for folks that haven’t yet read the book, can you share a little bit about that experience?

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My circle of life started with poverty and child abuse

Myrna: Yes, I would love to. Out of the Snares, is basically my story. It’s the story of me getting out of the snares of, child sexual abuse, poverty, being born in a third world country. And, of course, being born to parents, or who were not married. My mom and my dad hooked up and had sex and I showed up. They weren’t even really in a committed relationship. It’s one of those things that happened. When I read Oprah’s story I found out that her parents also hooked up just one time and created her.  We were both born for a purpose.

So, I pull that in to my experience, that I was born with a purpose. On that rainy day, all those years ago in Guyana, my mom was alone when I was born because my father was not around. And I feel that coming from that kind of nurturing environment, where my mother was my central figure or my central person. For a long time, it was my mom, it was my grandmother, it was my aunt. These are the people that kind of raised me and as I got a little older, my father came back into my life.

But yes, I learned everything that I know about, motherhood, from my mom and my grandmother and my mom is an amazing mother. She has four children, and she basically single handedly raised them all on her own because the men were not around. She was that unfortunate, the men kept leaving. Your dad and I broke up when you were five years old. So, I have been the most influential person in your life and I took that very seriously.  So, that’s basically my introduction to, motherhood.

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The connection between Single mothers and delinquent children

Keshia: As you were speaking, I’m thinking about my work.  And I’m thinking about what usually breeds or is usually the crux of, black families, being involved in the, criminal justice system. Thankfully, none of your brothers and sisters have been involved in the, criminal justice system, and I just want to know, what do you what do you attribute that to? Because often we do hear of, black families, that come from, quote, unquote, broken homes where fathers aren’t in the picture.  They get involved in crime, they go down the wrong path, they get involved in the, criminal justice system, somehow. So, what do you attribute your family success to?

Myrna: Excellent question. And I’ve thought about this a while now, not in Guyana, because we left Guyana as children. So, we weren’t old enough to get into the, criminal justice system, in Guyana. But when we were living in Toronto, Canada, we actually lived in the projects. And I have always wondered why my siblings didn’t get involved with the bad crowd.  I’ve always wondered about that and the only thing that I can come up with was that my mother loved us and we didn’t want to disappoint her. I was speaking to her a couple of weeks back. And it was really interesting what she said. She said to me, you know, I had yawl, and I took any job because I had yawl to feed!

Keshia: Thank you for sharing that mom, it was really helpful to hear that feedback. It was just something that I was thinking about. I’m just gonna turn it back over to you. I think you have something a poem that you’d like to share.

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Motherhood my baby girl is born

Myrna: Yes. Right. So, in my chapter on, motherhood, I start off my book talking about the, circle of life, continues where I was born, and then I dived right into, motherhood, because it was something that was very important to me and made me feel so special. I have two biological children. I was 21 years old when my son was born, and then you my daughter was born on my 30th birthday. So, because she was born on my 30th birthday, she was a girl and a lot of women always want little baby girls. You know, I was tickled pink, in fact, it becomes more special than that. She was conceived for my honeymoon.

So, I came back from my honeymoon, and a couple of weeks later found out that I was pregnant. The immediate response of me learning that I was pregnant was joy. I mean, I didn’t know the sex until she came out. But we had a connection from the very beginning. So, in my book, I actually wrote a poem that I want to read to you guys. It says,

Poem my baby girl is here

My greatest blessing showed up on my 30 birthday,

A bundle of joy for born to this world

Six pounds, seven ounces of joy, my birthday gift. Oh, what a toy.

I little girl with curly brown hair, smooth black skin, with the face of an angel.

I shed a tear it was a love affair at first sight.

She reached through my heart and grabbed my soul forever more.

God had given me the desires of my heart, a daughter to adore.

Bird sang, trees swayed, the sun shone brightly, and the heavens opened up and poured out rain.

My baby girl was here. Keshia, her father whispered welcome to my world.

And her mother answered, Glory be to God, let her light shine brightly.

Let her be a delight.

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Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/meditativebliss777

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Myrna: See, I spoke it into existence, you have been a delight. You have been the gift that keeps on giving. A lot of mothers and daughters have special relationships, but we have a relationship that everybody talks about, and it’s absolutely amazing.

Keshia: Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve heard that poem. I have a jacket on but if you could see my arms, I probably have goosebumps. I just hope to repeat that, I am heading as you said, into my second trimester. And I have a similar due date as our birthday so yeah, we should be hoping for three peat.

Myrna: Yes, yes. From our mouths to God’s ears.

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This episode is sponsored by Living the Tao: Spiritual Podcast
Do you want to embrace the wonder of the Tao? Journey inward to journey outward? As he has done for decades, Taoist Master Mikel Steenrod talks about the path of spiritual freedom and down-to-Earth, everyday living well in this podcast series.

Most podcasts are from people that are fans of Taoism, and appreciate the Taoist classic, Tao Te Ching, which is one small part of Taoism. This podcast is from a Taoist Master that has been talking about the daily practice and exciting ideas of Taoism for over twenty years, and is just now taking advantage of podcast technology.

Hear ideas about nature of the world, and of the human condition that can radically transform your daily life into a rewarding experience.

Living the Tao: Spiritual Podcast is available for free on Audible, Spotify or Apple or by visiting thetaoismforthemodernworld.com and clicking podcast. Listen now!

https://www.the-taoism-for-modern-world.com/living-the-tao-spiritual-podcast/

Living The Tao Spiritual Podcast
Living The Tao Spiritual Podcast

Motherhood: How to protect your kids from sexual abuse

Keshia: Okay. All right. Well, I’m gonna take this conversation a little bit differently. And I’m going to ask you a question, because at the start of this conversation, you started by saying that Out of the Snares is about you coming out of poverty, sexual abuse, and parents not being in the home. And so, we talked a little bit about the, poverty, we talked a little bit about parents not being in the home. But I’m wanting to hear a bit more about your memories of your, child abuse. And in your book, you also talk about how the memories of that, child abuse, came back to you after I was born.  Can you talk a little bit about that? About that time for you as you had me and those memories of, sexual abuse, came flooding back to you.

And then also maybe you want to give some advice to listeners that have experienced, sexual abuse, and have had daughters and now have to feel like they have to protect their child at all costs.

Myrna: Well, thank you Keshia, it’s a very important conversation to have. So let me start with me and then I will expand it out. I was, sexually abused, by my godfather.  I called him grandfather and I spent a lot of time at his house. So, that is the first problem that contributes to our black and brown babies getting, sexually abused, because apparently in our community it happens a lot. In my experience, it wasn’t a babysitting thing. It was just that, I was always at someone’s house. I was at my aunt’s house, I was at my grandfather’s house and when you’re sleeping over at people’s houses and there is men around, this is basically what happens.

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Addict

Mothers also need to protect boys

I read something from Tyler Perry, that was addressing this issue, and he was talking about our community. Most Black mothers don’t have money for a babysitter, so they always have the kids go and stay at the uncle dem house and this person’s house and all that kind of stuff. And this is basically what happens. Kids are being, sexually abused, by people that come to our homes and even boyfriends.  So, getting back to my, child abuse, I didn’t have any trauma attached to it as it was happening because this person was a loved one and I really loved him.

He showered me with gifts, we were poor, and he was rich. So when this experience was going on, I wasn’t traumatized in any way. I mean, I didn’t understand what was going on because it started when I was very young age. I didn’t understand what was going on until I started having boyfriends at 13 and realized, you’ve already had sex. These guys are gonna think that you’re a tramp.

Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM
Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

Past sexual abuse trauma resurfaced after birth of child

That started my whole self-respect phase which worked for me because I was never promiscuous. So, it wasn’t very traumatic. When I recognized that it was wrong, I stopped it. There was no big problem. You know what I mean? But then, when you were born, something that I buried came alive and it was very, traumatic. I stopped wanting to have your dad to touch me, I had bad dreams. And whatever it was, clearly it was coming back up. I mean, and it was really an unusual response. Of course, I never went to therapy or anything. I just worked through it, but it started my vigilance of making sure you were not exposed to, sexual abuse.

And my vigilance came with people in my home and where I sent you to sleep over.  Your father and I split up when you were five years old. I made sure that anybody that I’m bringing to the house that I would, make sure I don’t leave you alone with that person.  At one point in time, my sister was living with me, and her husband started bathing you. And I immediately put a stop to that.

So these are the ways that you protect your girl children and boy children, because it’s not only girls now. But you protect them by knowing who they’re coming into contact with.  Our world is becoming really messed up because women are now molesting boys. Tyler Perry, tells a story of how he was molested by a woman and I think even Terry Crews revealed that he was also, sexually assaulted.

Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

Motherhood: Be careful your kids are always watching

In my book, I share my views on, motherhood, and I believe that, motherhood, you are a role model for your kids. I remember you were always watching me. It was an incredible thing, you didn’t feel comfortable unless you’re in my presence watching and listening, watching and listening. And mothers or fathers, your kids are always listening. They’re always watching. So, you can’t say “Do as I say it, not as I do.” You’ve got to do it. You’ve got to walk the walk. So, I was a role model to you and I taught you things that my mom taught me. For example, to make decisions for yourself.

What do you feel is the role of a mother and how do you plan to embrace, motherhood?

Keshia: Yeah, I mean we’ve talked a lot about protection, I definitely think that the role of the mom is to protect their cub so to speak. When we watch Animal Planet you always see the mother lion protecting her cub and protecting them from harm.

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The role of a mother

So definitely protection is the, role of a mother, as well as all the other things like:

  • Feed your children not only actual physically feeding, but emotionally feeding, feeding their self-confidence,
  • Teaching them to become contributing members of society
  • Helping them to find their purpose
  • Teaching them to love God
  • And how to survive in life
  • To lead by example, kids are always watching. You want to be able to not only say the important things, but show them the important things as well.

So how am I embracing motherhood? I’m still learning, I am just a few months in but yeah, I have been reading books and I am working towards embracing, motherhood.

It still feels weird. You know, hearing my baby’s heartbeat seeing it via ultrasounds. I mean, it just feels different. I can’t even really grasp the words to say like, how does it feel to know that something is living inside of you and living inside of your belly? Right. Something that you have to care for and nurture and protect and be worried for and scared for and love all at the same time. So, it’s very humbling. Maybe that’s the word.

Circle of life continues connection with baby

Myrna: I didn’t hear the word, connection.  Are you connecting to this baby?

Keshia: Thanks for putting me on the spot mom. I don’t know if I would say I am connecting with the baby yet. I don’t feel connected yet. I did have the feeling that morning that it was a girl even though all along I’ve been saying they think it’s a boy. But that morning I did say yeah, you’re a girl. So maybe. Also, the day before I found out that I was pregnant. I said we need a new car and went out and bought a new car that day. Because I’m like we you know, we need a new car for family planning. So, I guess she is speaking to me.

Myrna: She’s sending you those signals. Yes, yes. Amazing. All right. Well, listen, Keshia Morris Desir. You did not disappoint. We had an incredible conversation. Thank you for sharing your, motherhood experience, with me and my audience.  Wishing you the best pregnancy and delivery.

Additional Resources

How To Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse

 

The Power of Salt

The power of salt

The power of salt, salt is used for flavoring, preserving, fertilizing and other uses.  It is the ingredient we want to be most like. What happens when we, lose our saltiness?

In Mathew 5.13 Jesus declared You are the, salt of the earth. But what good is, salt, if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.

Download the podcast here: 

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Salt is not just to season food

Today I want to teach on the, Power of Salt, because, salt, is not just for seasoning food.

So, what does, salt of the earth, mean? Are we, salt of the earth, in our relationships? On our jobs?

Salt, is used for, flavoring, salt, is used for, preserving food, salt is used for fertilizing and to kill weeds. Salt, is used to de ice roads so you don’t slip and slide.

The, power of salt, can be seen in the colonization of India by Britain. All Britain wanted was the, salt!

Let’s look at the uses of salt and thus the, power of salt.

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Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm

Salt is used for flavoring food

Salt, is used for, flavoring food. We all know, salt, makes food taste better, either by adding flavor to something that would otherwise be bland or by enhancing flavors that are already there. Have you ever eaten bland food? You don’t want people to label you bland or boring. To be the, salt of the earth, you have to bring the flavor to your relationships. This is where your personality shines.

Salt is used for Preserving food

Salt, is used for, preserving meats. Salt, was the ancient equivalent of refrigeration. If you wanted to stop meat or fish from decaying, you could rub in salt and make it edible for longer. This was the main reason salt was so valuable.

If you are a Christian, you are Disciples of Jesus, and he sent us into the world to keep it from decay, preserving its goodness and preventing it from becoming corrupted or ruined.

How are you preserving your relationship with your spouse, your children, your co-workers? Just like how you preserve meat by rubbing salt on it, you should preserve your relationships by rubbing kindness into them.

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Podmust Transform Your Mind podcast

Salt is used for Fertilizing

The power of salt, can also be seen in, fertilizing. Several ancient civilizations used salt as a fertilizer for the soil, and depending on the conditions, it could help the earth retain water, make fields easier to plow, release minerals for plants, kill weeds, protect crops from disease, stimulate growth, and increase yields. The reason this matter is that Jesus specifically describes his people as the, salt of the earth, which in a rural, farming culture would have been significant.

Disciples are fertilizers. We’re meant to be in those places where conditions are challenging and life is hard. We are sent to enrich the soil, kill weeds, protect against disease, and stimulate growth.

So, when, Jesus, said we are the, salt of the earth, he meant that God will use us for flavoring, preserving, destroying, or fertilizing?

Listen Notes Transform Your Mind
Listen Notes Transform Your Mind

Salt of the earth

When, Jesus, talked about salt losing its “saltiness” or “savor,” it refers to a process in which the compounds of salts naturally disintegrate over time. We, lose our saltiness, when we no longer bring value to this world. We are no longer, flavoring, fertilizing, preserving or enriching the lives of others.

If you are, salt of the earth, then life without you would be bland and tasteless. Are you preserving your marriage or your relationship with God? Are you fertilizing the soil of your mind and killing the weeds? If not, you have lost your saltiness.

You are (like) the salt for the soil, a stimulant for growth. If you become like the savorless salt, you are no longer good for anything.

What are you doing to make sure you don’t lose your saltiness?

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Transform Your Mind Podcastland

Here are 3 ways to become the salt of the earth

  1. Nourish and solidify your relationship, today and tomorrow.
  2. Become the best at what you do. Be indispensable. There is no replacement for salt.
  3. Be salt’ deliberately seek to influence the people in your life by showing them the unconditional love of Christ through good deeds and service.

Additional Resources 

Understanding the Healing Powers of The Earth

How to Use Vibrational Energy to Get What You Want

Ginny Gane, Law of Attraction coach, empowers women to transform mediocre lives into experiences of true abundance, joy, and love through levering the principles of, vibrational energy.

Leveraging our, vibrational power, allows us to create more love, harmony, and freedom in our lives.

Download the podcast here:

https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/11938165-how-to-use-vibrational-energy-to-get-what-you-want.mp3?download=true

Vibrational energy and the law of attraction

Myrna: People don’t understand that, vibrational energy, is responsible for all the things they are attracting in their lives, but as a, Law of Attraction coach, you know that they are manifesting it from vibrational energy.  So, explain, what is vibrational energy?

Ginny: We are utilizing, the laws of attraction,  in every moment of every day.  The Laws of Attraction, work by responding to our, vibrational energy, that you’re embodying or putting out into the world. So, the way I like to think about it is like we’re constantly emitting, vibrational energy. And, the Law, of Attraction, is constantly responding by bringing conditions that match this, energy. Now we know what that, vibrational energy, is formed by how we feel. So, we measure and interpret, vibrational frequency, through emotion.

Myrna: You’re going to attract conditions that is similar to whatever emotion you’re feeling. If you spend a lot of time in anger or frustration, you’re going to attract negative conditions that vibrates at the same frequency of anger or frustration.  We never get out of the cycle, that is why we must pay attention to our, emotions, and, vibration.

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What Is the Law of Vibrational Energy?

The law of, vibrational energy,  might not be as famous as the, Law of Attraction, but it’s just as important.

Now, we know that everything around us is, vibrational energy. The energy around us is actually vibrating.

Every single thing, living or inanimate, is made up of energy. And it’s all vibrating.

This is the, law of vibration.

Ginny: Vibrational energy, is a real thing, it’s like this momentum that builds up. So, we will attract frustrating conditions and then we will look at the condition and then feel bad and then we’ll look at what is next. It’s just the cycle. So, until we become aware of that cycle of, positive energy, we have no chance to stop it or to do something different to, raise your vibration. So the first thing we can do is just start to become aware of what you are getting back from, vibrational energy, and, how to have high vibrational energy.

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The law of vibration: Everything is vibrating at a frequency

Vibrational energy, it’s just like electricity, it’s energy. And we interpret, vibrations, through our emotions. There’s an emotional scale. So, the same as there’s a frequency scale of energy, measured in Hertz from zero Hertz to 1000 hertz. Our, vibration, is very similar. It’s just a measure of that frequency.

And so there’s low frequencies and there’s high frequencies, and our, emotions, match up. Our lower frequency, emotions, are those like fear and guilt and sadness. Our higher frequency, emotions, are the happiness, the joy, the hopefulness, those kinds of, emotions. How we feel is our interpretation of the, vibration, we are emitting and what, the Laws of Attraction, is attracted to.

Myrna: All right.  I was reading something new today and it made me aware that everything is, vibrational frequency, the walls in your house, the bed that you sleep in, the trees in nature, the rocks all are vibrating at an energy frequency. When I go to the park, I sit on rocks because the rock is vibrating. I’m trying to blend with the, vibrational frequency, of the rock.

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Nature is high vibrational energy

Ginny: That’s why we feel so good in nature, because nature is connected to source, what you are talking about is alignment.  Alignment is when your emotions are like in alignment with our God Self, or our Source self, that nonphysical part of us. And so, when there’s alignment between how we’re thinking and feeling, and that other part of us we feel good.

Nature, animals, they stay in this mostly connected place. That’s why we love to be around them. They’re just unconditional love pouring through. That’s why it feels so peaceful to be in nature is because we’re literally surrounded by these, vibrations, that are all in alignment.

Additional Resources

6 Ways Your Thoughts Activate The Law of Attraction

 

How To Bloom In the Desert

How to bloom in the desert

The, desert, is a harsh, dry place sometimes called the, wilderness, and most of us have to go through it to get to our promised land.  In this episode of, 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, I teach you how to, bloom, in the, desert.

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https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/11934269-how-to-bloom-in-the-desert.mp3?download=true

You have to go through the desert

There is no, promised land, if you don’t go through the, wilderness. You have to go through the, desert, to get to your, promised land.

You can’t drive by in your air conditioned vehicle. You have to spend some time in the, wilderness, and learn how to bloom in the dry harsh conditions.

You have to go through something to get to something

There is no, promised land, if you don’t go through the, wilderness. You have to go through something to get to your, promised land.

In the Bible, the term “Promised Land” refers to a specific region of land that God endowed to His chosen people, as part of their heritage. (Genesis 12Genesis 26:3Genesis 28:13) God first gave this pledge of land to Abraham saying, “I will establish your borders from the Red Sea to the Mediterranean Sea, and from the desert to the Euphrates River.” He then reiterated the vow to Abraham’s descendants until the time came for His people to claim their inheritance.

The people of Israel wandered in the, wilderness, for 40 years before they were ready to inherit the promise.

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Podvine

You have to spend time in the wilderness, you can’t drive through

You have to spend some time in the, wilderness. You can’t pass through in your air conditioned vehicle. You have to spend some time in the, wilderness. The, wilderness, is your in between place. You have to spend time there, but God does not intend for you to stay there. God did not intend for you or the people of Israel to die in the, wilderness.

If you die in the, wilderness, then you were never supposed to inherit, the promised land.

God promises to make a way out of no way, but in order for you to understand that promise you have to find yourself in a situation with no way out.

The pandemic was a, desert place, over a million people died. We couldn’t drink from our church, our family, our jobs, all the places we drank from was closed off to us.

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God sends help in the desert

The profit Elijah found himself in the, desert, and God sent him to a brook where the ravens fed him. Find your brook.  What is feeding you in your, desert place?

God says that no weapons formed against you shall prosper, he did not say the weapons will not be formed. You have to hold on and find the strength to fight the enemy and the weapons formed against you.

Sometimes you have to spend some time in the, desert place, in the place of loneliness, in the darkness of the night. The promise that joy comes in the morning is your scripture of your, promised land. Find your brook and hold on to the promise.

Even if you are in a fruitful place on the mountain top, if you keep walking, you will have to pass through the, desert! Life is made up of hills and valleys.

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RadioPublic Transform your mind

Your experience in the wilderness allows you to bloom

If you look back on your life you grew most in your, desert place.

What can cause a desert to blossom into a rose? Roses need water. They don’t do well with intense heat from sun blazing all day. It has no shade.

Is there anyone reading this who has blossomed while living in a concrete jungle?  Who has blossomed living with abusive parents?  Who has blossomed in the desert place of extreme property? Read Viola Davis story and it will give you hope that you could be the rose that, blooms in the, wilderness.

The purpose of the, desert, is to teach you how to walk with the giver of living waters, The Holy Spirit.

Additional Resources

Your Struggle is Part of Your Story