Is the secret to, Love, Sex? This week on Mindset Transformation Radio Podcast, I interview, Love Coach, James Green. James answers the question “Is, Sex, the most important factor in a relationship?
So, let me ask you. What do you think is the most important factor in a relationship? In my research for this interview. I found this article
on the secret to a long marriage. Hint it was not, Sex!
But in all seriousness. We have heard the phrase ” A Happy wife a happy life”
Here is another article about a couple married 79 years.
“Just want you to know that you’re still the one I would choose. Still the one I give my heart to, still the one I love.”
So, what’s their secret?
“To support one another, whatever the problems may be, good or bad. Stick together. That’s about it,” Bertha said.
“You know why this lasted 79 years? She has the last word,” Dan added with a smile.
Let me introduce my guest this week:
James is a certified Love and Emotional Intelligence coach. His mission is to teach people how to love themselves as well as love each other. James specialty is Relationship and Personal Development Coaching.
1. Question 1: Tell us of your journey to become a Love and emotional Intelligence coach. Do you have a personal story that made you specialize in this field?
I was a single parent and realized that when looking for a mate, I had to look for someone who would fit into my lifestyle as a single father. The woman had to accept me and my son as a package deal. That made me look at factors other than, Sex.
As far as my journey to becoming a Love and Emotional intelligence coach, I found I had the aptitude to reach people. People opened up to me. I remember once standing in the line at McDonald's and this man in line started talking to me telling me his story. I decided to get my certification as a, Life Coach
2. Question 2: How does emotional intelligence fit into the relationship dynamics?
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to hear what your partner is not saying. It is the ability to realize that when your partner says Fine, I am okay with that. for example. She is not fine with that, from her tonality or her body language.
Another facet of emotional intelligence is the ability to keep your cool and not fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
3. Question 3: What problems do find are the most common and how do you coach your clients to solve them?
I find Trust, Communication and the inability to seek out coaching until after they start experiencing problems.
Couples tend to think that coaching is not needed until there is a huge problem in their relationship and when I hear that I ask them do you also see a doctor AFTER you have Cancer?
4. Question 4: If you had a magic wand to solve common relationship problems, what would you solve?
If I had a magic wand to solve relationship problems, I would solve trust. Lack of trust is one of the most destructive elements in a relationship.
5. Question 5: When you say that relationship is not a 3-letter word, what do you mean?
The topic of our show today “Is the secret to love, Sex?”
Couples would have us believe that great sex keeps the relationship going or strong.
While sex is very important in a relationship it is not the most important factor.
I believe that communication is the most important factor.
Click the podcast link to hear from James directly as he answers this question.
6. Question 6: Why would you say that couples do not proactively seek relationship coaching and wait until there is a problem to get counselling?
Culture, conditioning. Women go to get an annual checkup every year. They get a PAP test to proactively check for any cervical problems. But this same woman would not think of going to a relationship coach to proactively check to see if her relationship is in danger of abnormal growth!
For the men I use the analogy of the oil change because men hate going to the doctor for an annual check up. But they do change their oil every 3 to 5 months. ( I had a laugh at this one. I asked James if he was suggesting men change their wife's, as often as they change the oil in their cars?)
He assured me he was not saying that but letting the men know that just like the car engine their relationships need regular maintenance.
Tony Robbins also has lots of empowerment advice for couples.
Click the link below to understand how to create better relationships from Tony Robbins
If you are empowered to become a member of the Human Potential Movement and would like to be a guest on the Mindset Transformation radio show and podcast contact me.
Help me, makeover my marriage, improve intimacy, find personal time and communicate better with my, husband. Communication, is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors, say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”
Welcome to the premiere episode of, Help Me Makeover My Marriage. Today we are going to talk about, communication, in a marriage.
I'm your host Life coach Myrna Young, my guest today is Michele Brunson and together we want to share our experiences in our, marriages, to help you, makeover my marriage.
Listen to the full Episode Here:
I can be called the Marrying Woman
I have been married four times so you can call me a, marrying woman, for a total of 30 years. Michele has been married for 25 years. Her husband died last year, we give her our condolences.
We want to help you to with your, marriage makeover. A lot of times when things are not going right in our, marriage, or our, relationships, we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, so we think I'm going to be able to find someone better, but I'll tell you,
“The grass is never greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.”
Wherever you put your attention on, wherever you put your focus on is definitely what's going to grow. So Michelle and I will give you, marriage advice, and strategies to help you to, makeover my marriage.
Treat your husband according to knowledge
The reason we're saying that, you need to be the change you seek, is because I've always remembered what my Pastor Tony said to me years ago, maybe about 20 years ago. A lot of times we don’t use knowledge and knowledge is never useful until used. Pastor Tony said to me. “Whenever I go to God, I never ask him to change my, wife, I ask him to change me.”
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The reason that’s important is because like me and most of you, we're always blaming our, husbands, or our partners for whatever is wrong in our, relationships. I am in my fourth, marriage, now as I said before and I came into this, marriage, with all kinds of expectations.
I was in my 40's when I got, married, this last time, so I had a lot of stuff that came with me.
Baggage and expectations and I brought it all into my, marriage, and we started having all the same problems again because you are the common denominator if you have multiple, marriages, and everything follows you.
When I decided to change ME my, marriage, started getting better. This was 20 years after I heard that advice, a lot of times we have knowledge and we don't actually use it. My current teacher, Pastor Glover would say
“treat your, husband, like he's your king and love him the way you want to be loved.”
So that's what I did and a remarkable thing happened! I found out that I enjoyed serving my, husband, I enjoyed treating my, husband, like my king and our relationship started to mend, because I was no longer pointing fingers. I was no longer you not talking to him because of something he wasn't doing.
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So, in this episode and subsequent episodes we're going to give you information on how to change YOU, because it all starts with you.
In this first segment of “Help Me Makeover My Marriage,” we're going to do a question and answer, later segments we'll have guests come on the show. Today we are gonna start with questions that was sent into us from my Facebook group called Lifecoach
Help me Makeover my Marriage and get Intimacy Back
Our first question comes from Debbie in Miami, Florida. Debbie writes:
I've been married for 12 years my, husband, and I have two children ages 7 and 10. I immersed myself in the role of mother and, wife, as a, stay-at-home mom, while my, husband, worked full-time and saw his role as the provider.
As a, stay-at-home mom, I rarely took time for myself and began to resent my, husband, for not helping with the kids and not paying me any attention. Our, intimacy, suffered and my resentment built up. I even started looking outside the, marriage, for fulfillment.
Debbie’s asks, Help me, makeover my marriage, and recapture, intimacy?
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Myrna – Debbie I had a similar experience with my second, husband, and my, marriage, ended
because I built up resentment and never communicated this to my, husband. The situation was reversed. I was the breadwinner making most of the money and he sat around doing nothing because he told me that housework and looking after the kids was women's work.
So, here I was paying all the bills and I was being treated like the maid. I built up resentment and that, marriage, eventually ended, but now I know better. Again knowledge is only powerful when you use it. Now I know that what Debbie should do is to ask for help. She should say to her, husband.
“Babe I know that you work all day and you're the provider for this family and we made this contract that I'm going to be a, stay-at-home mom, but I need a break. Can you help out?”
I need you to help around the house. I need you to help with the kids, because being a mom is a full-time job. He goes to work from nine to five and then he's off, but a mom is always on the job, it's a full-time job. Maybe also get a babysitter for kids every two weeks or something and have date night so, that you guys can be together without the kids and recapture, intimacy.
So my advice to you would be to Help, makeover my marriage, is:
First of all ask for what you want
And second, make the time to do your part.
If you have the, intention, that you are gonna love your, husband, and you're gonna appreciate him for being the breadwinner, because that's what he is, and you show him appreciation, he will give you back love.
Michelle what would you say to Debbie from your experience? Mitchell is actually an Intercessor, so maybe you can bring in a biblical touch or scripture from the bible that can help Debbie, makeover my marriage.
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Michele – Myrna I want to thank you for having me on your show. My advice to Debbie to help her, makeover my marriage, would first off be pray for your, husband, first because most, wives, don't start there. Pray for your, husband, because God is his creator and he will change any situation concerning your, husband, and if your, husband, is providing for the family no, husband, wants to come home after fighting all day at work and have to fight with his, wife.
So, the first thing that she needs to do is have peace in her home, if her, husband, is providing and it's for a season, because like you said y'all in this contract together and you chose to be a, stay-at-home mom.
Another, marriage advice, would be to have a schedule because some women don't know how to have a schedule. Monday you might do one thing, Tuesday something else. Don't try to do everything all at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed and burnt out.
If you feel mis-valued in your, marriage, you should have, communication, with your, husband, about it. You should value one another, you value him as your king. Once you start with valuing your, husband, and appreciating him for who he is. He's going out there making it happen every day and providing for you and the kids, you should make him feel comfortable in his own home.
Marriage Makeover Wives become a Woman of Noble Character
As, wives, we create the atmosphere in the home. I would have her reflect on Proverbs 31:
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
12. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
13. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
14. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
16. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
18. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
21. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
26. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
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Myrna – That's what we fail to do sometimes as women, we forget to take care of ourselves. Self-care, is very important and that's what she's lacking, because she's so consumed with looking after the kids she's not doing, self-care. Self-care, also leads to, intimacy, because if you look good you're going to feel good and your, husband, is going to feel that, sexual energy.
What advice do you give Debbie for re-establishing, intimacy, with her husband?
A practical way couples can rebuild, marital intimacy, is through cultivating nonsexual, affectionate touch: sitting close to one another on the couch, hugging, holding hands, loving kisses and caresses. For some couples who have experienced a drop in, intimacy, engaging in sexual intercourse can seem like a bridge too far. Help them get there by encouraging them to simply embrace and touch one another. Affectionate embraces from a spouse can communicate deeply of care and love in, marriage, without the encumbrance or burden that every touch signals one spouse’s desire for sex.
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I have always scheduled personal time with my husband, even when we go on vacations.
One time we take the kids and one time we go alone. Women do not understand that they need personal time alone with their spouse without the kids to keep, intimacy, alive.
Help me Makeover My Marriage Personal Time
Michele – I would get up before everybody else in the house got up for my, personal time, of prayer because that really set up my entire day. Once you pray and set the environment, your day will be less stressful.
Myrna – That's good, marriage advice, a lot of women take time for, self-care, at the end of the night when the kids are in bed.
Before we go to the next question let's circle back to reiterate that, wives, got to appreciate their, husbands, for what he does for the family. In this case Debbie need to show appreciation for her, husband, as the breadwinner.
Makeover My Marriage – Intimacy
Our next question for Help me, makeover my marriage, comes from Hollis in Atlanta, Georgia. Hollis writes I have been married for 10 years, my, husband, and I have a good, marriage, not great because he does not like to talk. The slightest disagreement sends him into his, man cave, and I can't reach him or get him to talk, Help me, makeover my marriage, and improve my, communication, with my, husband.
Help me Makeover My Marriage: Communication
Like I said earlier the, marriage advice, that I'm giving is, marriage tips, that I can pull from my personal, marriage, experience. Right now I'm married to a man who does not like to talk and i like to talk. So normally I would lead the conversation and he would sit there and listen, then I would say you know conversation is a dialogue and he would say I'm listening to you.
But recently I changed that model. I just finished reading the book “What Happened to You” By Oprah Winfrey and Dr Perry. Dr Perry was explaining why kids who experienced trauma don’t talk.
Dr Perry discovered that not even trained therapists can get these kids to talk until they are ready. You just have to give them time and space. Sometimes it means sitting or doing projects in total silence. When they are ready to talk, they will talk.
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So I used that information and now when I sit with my husband, I just let there be space and whenever he's ready to talk then he will talk. It's very uncomfortable for me because I like to talk. But I did and so far this approach is working. We have had some good conversations from this approach.
Communication, is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors, say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”
Help me Makeover My Marriage and get my Husband out of his Man Cave
Michelle what was your experience with your, husband, with, communication. Did he go in to a , man cave?
Michelle – First of all, we all have different temperaments and personalities, my, husband, was more of a, phlegmatic. Phlegmatics have an unemotional and stolidly calm disposition.
So he was a laid-back, easygoing type of guy.
It's been said that a woman speaks a thousand more words than the man so, I would just find something that interests him to talk about. Most men don't analyze things the way we do and they're not as emotional as we are. We like to talk about everything and they don't always understand why we need to always be talking.
Myrna – So let's say that you wanted to talk to your, husband, about quality time, for example, or something that's going on in your, relationship, did you start the conversation talking to him about something he likes to talk about and then kind of steer the conversation to quality time?
Michelle – Our quality time was watching TV together or shopping for groceries.
Myrna – Okay I was just using quality time as a placeholder for any conversation you want to have with your husband that was important.
For example, once in a while I would want to talk to my, husband, about where our, marriage, is going or where we see ourselves in 10 to 15 years from now, or something like that.
I am a Life coach right and I want to steer the conversation in that direction my, husband, would push back and say you're not my coach!
So getting back to Hollis’s question. What advice would you give to move her, husband, out of his, man cave, and get him to open up?
Husbands need to process things longer than Wives
Michelle – I would tell her that men have to process things, so I would give him time.
If they had a conflict or something, men and women process differently. Wives, want an answer right then while, husbands, might take a day or two to process before they want to discuss the situation.
Myrna – I like that answer, give them time to process. I would add give them space to process. Don’t go into their, man cave, and harass them. Let them be until they are ready to come out.
In the meantime don't withhold love or affection.
Even though we're not talking about a physical, man cave, even though some men have a physical space they hide out in, we are talking about going into the mental, man cave.
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In this premier episode of, Help me, makeover my marriage, we had a couple of questions and even though they might look different, they're both dealing with, communication, in your, marriage.
Debbie didn't really communicate with her, husband, that she needed help around the house or that she needed him to pay her some attention, she just built up animosity that he wasn't doing these things.
Hollis wanted some information on, communication, with her husband once he's in his, man cave. What to do either to get him out of the, man cave, or prevent him from going into the, man cave. So, communication, is very important, marriage counselors, say that it is the top reason couples get divorced.
I started off the segment talking about what we can as, wives, to change instead of asking God to change our, husbands. We need to learn to deal with our, husbands, according to knowledge. If we know they don’t like to talk, then we should not push the issue. Like I learned from Dr Perry, let them talk when they are ready. Even if they don't want to talk they have ears to listen.
Remember to ask for what you want. If you need help around the house, ask for help. If you need affection, ask for it.
When you don’t ask for want you want or communicate your desires, then resentment builds up and the energy in the house changes. You can feel tension. If you have the intention to have peace in your home and to love and appreciate your, husband, he will feel that energy and your home will be peaceful and full of love.
Thanks for reading this blog, listening or watching to the premier episode of “Help me make over my marriage” I will post and air an episode once per month, please subscribe to the Transform Your Mind To Transform your Life podcast to get all new episodes in your inbox.
What happens when there is, infidelity, in your marriage? Statistics show that as much of 70% of men and women cheat on their spouses and committed partners.
Today on WDJY 99.1 FM straight talk radio our topic is “How does, Infidelity, affect Intimacy and Desire for our Partner ” We all Desire to be in loving fulfilling, relationships, with our partners, our children, our friends and co-workers. We desire to have successful careers, some of us desire to procreate and have children, we desire to be emotionally and physically healthy, we desire to be wealthy, and today we are going to touch on our desire for our partners to be faithful to their commitment to us.
Introduction to Infidelity in Marriages
My co -host for this episode is my girl pal the fabulous Ms Margo Blake. Margo is a One Taste Intimacy Coach and, I am a Mindset Coach. Together we want to share our knowledge on this Topic “How does, Infidelity, affect Intimacy and Desire for our partner”
What is Desire – Desire can be called the feminine face of God! Desire is what God places in your spirit to lead you to your purpose. It is the key that unlocks what God placed you on this earth to do.
The dictionary calls Alchemy a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination.
I will tell you from personal experience that there is nothing that transforms an intimate relationship into something magical, like the surety that your partner will not break his vows or commitment to you, that he or she loves you unconditionally and would not look at another. But how do we, survive infidelity, when it happens?
UK Artist Ben Newman brings a different kind of taste to satirical art. This is sultry and saucy at the same time.
His boldness in combining sexy female characters with robots present in the fantasy world is amazing with an intense desire for intimacy.
The solution to infidelity is not always divorce
Myrna – Margo as an, intimacy coach, how has your clients dealt with, infidelity?
Believe it or not, most people decide to stay in their marriages after, infidelity. The important thing is to address the issues that might have lead to the, infidelity, and get the necessary help to recover.
Infidelity in marriages, Divorce isn't always the solution, particularly when the unfaithful spouse is remorseful and devoted to changing. Here are some things you need to know if you are dealing with the fallout of, infidelity, in your marriage.
Betrayal is in the eye of the beholder.
Infidelity is not a marital deal breaker
Most affairs end – a man rarely leaves his wife for the other woman
You are not alone
It helps to get help
How have you dealt with, infidelity?
I have dealt with, infidelity, several times in my life. I have dealt with, infidelity in marriage, and, infidelity, in, love relationships.
When I was younger and more emotional I would leave immediately. As I matured I seek to understand first and love unconditionally.
Some therapists believe that, infidelity, destroys the fabric of a, relationship, which cannot be repaired. These therapists declare, marriages, dead on arrival but, I believe it is up the the individuals.
What happens when Desire goes looking somewhere else?
History will show that men don’t need a reason to cheat on their partner. But for this discussion we will look at the Lack of Desire as the reason for the, infidelity.
What can we do when desire dries up and we no longer feel the spark for our partners?
Men like uncertainty, they like variety. Most men who cheat don’t want to leave home. They love their spouse and like the security of home but they seek adventure.
I was just reading the unauthorized biography of Angelina Jolie and how his, infidelity, had consequences he did not anticipate. John Voight was tempted by great sex and cheated on her mother who promptly left him when Angelina was 6 months old. John Voight had no interest in leaving his wife and 2 kids; but the lure of exciting sex was something he could not pass up. That dalliance had far reaching consequences for his children and himself. He would be seeking a family for decades to come.
But men don't have to go outside the home for exciting sex. As women we could bring the excitement and adventure to our bedroom. We could bring the feeling of having an affair to our bedroom.
Whatever you are doing now, we could do something different. If you always make love with all your clothes on, in the bed with the lights out; then start making love on the couch, fully clothed, with all the lights on!
Become the mistress. Meet in a hotel, set up dates, role play and dress up, send sexually explicit text messages.
I remember a friend of mine who divorced her husband because she found a video his mistress sent to him. That is how the women are stealing our men, they excite them.
What happens when women go looking for love
Okay, enough of the men having unmet needs and looking for excitement in the bedroom. What about our unmet needs?
Women have unmet need as well and are catching up to men as they too are looking outside the home for fulfillment of their desires.
Myrna – Margo, how can women communicate their unmet desires to their partners?
Margo – Before women go looking for love in all the wrong places, they should learn to become the mistress and turn up the marital sex. They can do this by role playing and other sex games.
How do we as women deal with infidelity of spouse or partners?
There are several schools of thought about this topic.
If you want things to change, you have to change.
Maybe you are a nag, maybe you don’t like sex, maybe you take no pride in your appearance, maybe you have trust issues, maybe you are boring.
You have to know yourself to grow yourself.
Ask yourself what have I invested into this relationship? Are you a taker or do you contribute to the peace and happiness of your man?
I remember Jennifer Gardner saying after she experienced the, infidelity, from Ben Afflec . She determined that it was not Ben Afflec's role to make her happy. He cheated on her with the nanny. She was taking stock in what she brought to the table and understood it was not someone’s else role to make her happy. Happiness comes from our true self.
You can’t give away what you don’t have.
If you found this podcast inspiring, please subscribe and leave a review by clicking the link below. iTunes Podcast
Chemistry, is energy. It cannot be created or destroyed. Some call it physical attraction; but, Chemistry, is biological. It happens when your DNA gets excited by the other person’s DNA.
As we head into the New Year I know that many of you are engaging the, Law of Attraction, to bring you a spouse or a mate in 2021.
We are not meant to be alone. The Bible says that Two are better than one, because If either of them falls down, one can help the other, so we are hard wired with the need to share our lives with a significant other.
Listen to the audio here:
What are the 3 most important qualities in Relationships
I want to share three of the foundational qualities of love, relationships.
Let’s start with, compatibility. There is a significant amount of dating sites connecting couples based on, compatibility.
Is Compatibility the most Important quality in Relationships'
Compatibility, is important; but not the most important. Compatibility, is based on likes and dislikes, Like Religious preferences, standard of living, education etc.
But there is an old saying that says opposites attract.
There is also a new word floating around the internet and that is, polarity. Polarity is like the north and South Pole. Opposite ends of the spectrum and we need this polarity in relationships to keep the fires burning.
So when you marry someone who is just like you and you are so, compatible, love coaches say that sooner or later married couples stop having sex because there is no, polarity.
Now let’s look at, Chemistry. Chemistry, is energy. It cannot be created or destroyed. Some call it physical attraction; but, Chemistry, is biological. It happens when your DNA gets excited by the other person’s DNA. It is random; but absolutely essential for a long lasting, love connection. It is what makes your heart ache when you are apart.
Chemistry, is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of, chemistry, will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high degree of, chemistry, will mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness. Good times.
Some call , chemistry, connection but whatever you call it, you know when it is there and when it is not.
Some call, chemistry, meeting your, soul mate. I do believe that our souls know when we connect to our perfect match. When you meet your, soul mate, the connection is immediate, you feel the, chemistry.
Steve Harvey said that his wife walked into one of his comedy shows in a crowd of hundreds and he stopped what he was doing and told her she was going to be his wife. There are thousands of stories like this to highlight what, chemistry, looks like.
When my husband first saw me, he said he felt this warm feeling in his body that is DNA, that is, chemistry! The first time I spoke to my husband my heart did summersaults for a week! Definitely, chemistry.
But here is the question of the day. Can you have a successful marriage with, compatibility, and no, chemistry? I am sure you can with commitment; but it would be equivalent to being married to your roommate.
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Is Effective Communication the foundation for a Happy Marriage?
Finally, let’s look at, communication
Communication, usually gets the blame when a marriage or relationship fail, because if there is no, communication, you can’t have a successful marriage or relationship.
We all have different, communication, styles so, effective communication, is the most important and the least understood dynamic. It is the deal breaker.
Conclusion: Chemistry Compatibility Communication
As we wrap up, I want to leave you with some of the main differences between men and women.
Women are all about their feelings, Men don’t trust feelings.
Women connect emotionally with “talking,” Men talk to pass on data, period.
Women have to feel good to do good, Men have to do good to feel good.
Women want to hear all about it, Men don’t want to talk about it.
Women need to feel connected to have sex, Men connect with sex.
Women’s happiness resides in the state of their relationships; all their relationships. Men’s happiness resides in their accomplishments and their ability to provide and protect their love ones.
Women get depressed when they feel like all they do is give but that they don’t get back, while Men get depressed when they feel no one appreciates them.
Understanding these differences is the first step towards creating successful long lasting relationships. Check out John Gray book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”
