Relationship coach Andre Paradis joins host Myrna Young to discuss the topic of, why men choose women, and why women often struggle to choose the right partner. Andre explains that men are becoming more hesitant to enter into relationships due to the changing dynamics and expectations placed on them. He emphasizes the importance of understanding the natural dance between masculine and feminine energies and how women can tap into their femininity to attract the right partner. Andre offers valuable insights and advice for both single individuals and those in committed relationships.
In this thought-provoking episode, Host Myrna Young and, dating coach, Andre Paradis, delve into the fascinating world of relationships. Drawing from Andre's experiences as a relationship coach, we explore the reasons, why men choose women, as many women find themselves alone on, Valentine's Day. Andre sheds light on the dynamics of modern relationships and offers valuable insights into, why men choose women, and why women should avoid approaching men. By understanding the natural dance between masculinity and femininity, we can create and maintain successful relationships.
Andre gives a potent example to illustrate the masculine and feminine. He says the sperm is the mover and the egg just sits and waits. So ladies, please wait for the man to approach you. Men need to hunt and when you approach them you just get introduced to the little guy.
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Key Takeaways
Men are increasingly choosing to be alone due to the challenges of finding value in relationships with women in a culture that promotes independence and boss babe mentalities.
The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist, but rather on feelings and chemistry.
Intimacy starts with vulnerability and being present in the moment, allowing the natural dynamic between masculine and feminine energies to unfold.
The Number One Reason Men and Women Are Alone on Valentine's Day
In today's society, men are finding it increasingly difficult to find value in relationships with women. The rise of the boss babe mentality and the push for independence have created a culture where men are expected to follow a woman's lead and be 50/50 partners. However, this goes against the natural instincts of men, who are wired to provide, protect, and cherish women. The cultural shift towards masculine qualities in women has made it challenging for men to connect and form meaningful relationships.
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Why Men Choose Women and Women Shouldn't Approach Men
The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist. It is driven by feelings and chemistry. Men respond to a woman's energy and presence, and they are instantly drawn to feminine qualities such as warmth, receptiveness, and vulnerability. When a woman takes the lead and approaches a man, it disrupts the natural dynamic and can be a turnoff for men. It is important for women to allow men to take the lead and be receptive to their advances.
Some, dating advice: On the First date expect it to be akward. Don't make a decision on the man before the 3rd date. Andre says the woman brings the energy so ladies remember to smile and be laid back. Do not conduct the date like a job interview. It is a turnoff. Even is you are fine and have all the qualities a man is looking for he will say she of okay BUT. You don't want to be a BUT.
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Intimacy is a crucial aspect of any successful relationship. It is the deep connection and emotional closeness that allows two individuals to truly understand and support each other. Intimacy starts with vulnerability, which is often initiated by the, feminine energy, in the relationship. When a woman opens up and shares her fears, insecurities, and desires, it creates a safe space for the man to do the same. This vulnerability fosters trust and deepens the emotional bond between partners.
For example, if you are nervous on the first date and worried you will say the wrong thing sharing this with your date shows vulnerability and starts intimacy. He may even share that he is nervous as well.
The importance of maintaining femininity in attracting masculine men
Women are showing up saying he's got to meet me up here. Ladies it's not working, this is not what attracts a man, this does not make you attractive; you know sexy, magnetic warm. It has the exact opposite effect. Those masculine qualities that you so encouraged to have by society, results in men actually skipping men away. Masculine men are not interested in masculine women. It's very simple hunters don't date hunters.
What I mean as a rule so keep that in mind. It's nature in action. The more masculine the woman, the more Boss Babe and you go- girl, the more the man goes his way. Boss Babe it's beautiful for work and making money, but the masculine men won't stand for it. They will literally just avoid you like the plague.
There is a lot of conversation around why women are so masculine in this era, and I don't want to you don't want to get sidetracked on this, but I'm just going to make this comment. Women are stating their demands, you're right and the men, they're running from that because they don't want a woman that's telling them what to do. So what makes a, man choose a woman, because that's basically where we're going with this conversation.
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Why men choose women? Men respond to women's energy and presence. A feminine woman is a woman who's receptive, who is magnetic, who's warm, who's inviting, who's happy, joyful in her body in that moment. That feminine energy brings us straight out of our heads and brings us completely present to you. Men can't think in the presence of the magnetic warm energy of a woman.
We caught up in the eyes and the smile and the way she's speaking, all the little mannerism and the man be like I can't think in the presence of feminine woman. This is why the man need femininity, because it takes us out of our heads, brings us present in our bodies. This is how and, why a man chooses a woman. He knows right away because his body responds to her energy.
Conclusion
Understanding the dynamics of relationships and the dance between masculine and feminine energies is essential for creating and maintaining successful partnerships. By embracing femininity and allowing men to take the lead, women can attract and build meaningful connections with high-value men. Intimacy, rooted in vulnerability and emotional closeness, is the foundation of a strong and fulfilling relationship. So, this Valentine's Day, let's embrace our natural energies and create the love and connection we desire.
Remember, relationships are not a one-size-fits-all formula. Each individual and partnership is unique, and it is important to find what works best for you. By seeking guidance from relationship experts like Andre Paradis, you can gain valuable insights and tools to navigate the complexities of modern relationships.
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In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, I share how to use, the power of the now, to change dysfunctional negative relationships into positive ones and how to use the, power of now, to transform your relationships.
Relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives, and it's easy to let them get out of control. Today we study Eckhart Tolle's book “The Power of The Now” on how to improve your relationships. By learning how to use the power of now, you'll be able to align yourself with what's really important in your life, and your relationships will start to improve as a result.
Eckhart Tolle says that everything happens in the now. There is only one point of access and it is the now. And until you access the now, all relationships are deeply flawed. They may seem perfect for a moment when you are in love, but that perfection is lost when disappointment and dissatisfaction set in. If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most love relationships become love hate relationships.
Relationships bloom when we access the power of now
If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most, love relationships, become, love-hate relationships.
When we don’t access, the power of the now, love can turn to hate with the flick of a switch.
Sometimes the relationship continues for a while between the polarities of love and hate. It gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain.
Some couples get addicted to the drama because it makes them feel alive, but when the negative events occur with increasing frequency, the relationship collapses
Here is some, relationship advice, you may think that if you remove the, negative cycles, then the relationship would flower beautifully, but this is not the case. The polarities are mutually interdependent, you cannot have one without the other. The reason we want to be in the now in our relationships is that you can’t access the, pain body, of what he did to me and then bring it forward and relive the pain.
The, power of the now, means unless the event is happening now, it is in the past. The reason Eckhart Tolle teaches that the polarities are mutually interdependent is because your pain feed his pain. Your triggers, trigger his triggers.
The Power of the now eliminates dysfunctional relationships
The negative side of a relationship is more easily recognized as dysfunctional. It is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner, than to see it for yourself. Negativity and your past pain can show up in many forms in your relationship as:
possessiveness,
jealousy,
control,
withdrawal,
resentment,
the need to be right,
insensitivity and self-absorption,
emotional demand’s,
manipulation,
the urge to criticize,
judge, blame, anger, and unconscious revenge.
Quite a list. None of these things happen in, the now.
The positive side can be just as bad. This is the, power of love. When you are in love, someone needs you, wants you and makes you feel special. The feelings of being in love can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.
You become addicted to the other person; he acts on you like a drug. Even the thought of that person no longer loving you, illicit jealousy, emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing, because of fear of loss.
If the other person does leave you, it can lead to the most intense pain from grief or the most intense hostility. Was this love in the first place or just addictive clinging?
Then , survival relationships, comes along. It seems to meet all your needs, at least that is how it appears at first. You now have a new focal point, the person who defines your identity. The person you are in love with. Your world now has a center again, you are loved.
Then there becomes a point when your partner fails to meet your needs. The feelings of fear and lack now resurface, they had been covered up by the love relationship. Like any drug, you are on a high until the drug no longer works for you. When the feelings of fear return, you feel them stronger than they were before and you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. You attack your partner and this awakens their own, pain body, and he may counter your attack. Every attack is manipulation to get your partner to change their behavior.
This is because you refuse to work through your pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever you are addicted to, whether it be alcohol, food, shopping, sex you are using something or someone to cover up your pain.
That is why there is so much pain and unhappiness in, romantic relationships. Romantic relationships, do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.
Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. 3 failed marriages are a source of awakening more than if you shut yourself off in a room and refuse to engage in a relationship.
The power of the now, must be strong enough so you don’t get taken over by the thinker or the, pain body.
Bringing, the power of the now, to your relationship means, first you stop judging yourself then you stop judging your partner.
The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is without needing to judge or change them in any way.
You are in a, love relationship, if that person feels the same way about you; other than that you are in a relationship with yourself. Don’t let this love turn into a, love- hate relationship, by constantly bringing up the past. Embrace, the power of the now.
Is the secret to, Love, Sex? This week on Mindset Transformation Radio Podcast, I interview, Love Coach, James Green. James answers the question “Is, Sex, the most important factor in a relationship?
So, let me ask you. What do you think is the most important factor in a relationship? In my research for this interview. I found this article
on the secret to a long marriage. Hint it was not, Sex!
But in all seriousness. We have heard the phrase ” A Happy wife a happy life”
Here is another article about a couple married 79 years.
“Just want you to know that you’re still the one I would choose. Still the one I give my heart to, still the one I love.”
So, what’s their secret?
“To support one another, whatever the problems may be, good or bad. Stick together. That’s about it,” Bertha said.
“You know why this lasted 79 years? She has the last word,” Dan added with a smile.
Let me introduce my guest this week:
James is a certified Love and Emotional Intelligence coach. His mission is to teach people how to love themselves as well as love each other. James specialty is Relationship and Personal Development Coaching.
1. Question 1: Tell us of your journey to become a Love and emotional Intelligence coach. Do you have a personal story that made you specialize in this field?
I was a single parent and realized that when looking for a mate, I had to look for someone who would fit into my lifestyle as a single father. The woman had to accept me and my son as a package deal. That made me look at factors other than, Sex.
As far as my journey to becoming a Love and Emotional intelligence coach, I found I had the aptitude to reach people. People opened up to me. I remember once standing in the line at McDonald's and this man in line started talking to me telling me his story. I decided to get my certification as a, Life Coach
2. Question 2: How does emotional intelligence fit into the relationship dynamics?
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to hear what your partner is not saying. It is the ability to realize that when your partner says Fine, I am okay with that. for example. She is not fine with that, from her tonality or her body language.
Another facet of emotional intelligence is the ability to keep your cool and not fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
3. Question 3: What problems do find are the most common and how do you coach your clients to solve them?
I find Trust, Communication and the inability to seek out coaching until after they start experiencing problems.
Couples tend to think that coaching is not needed until there is a huge problem in their relationship and when I hear that I ask them do you also see a doctor AFTER you have Cancer?
4. Question 4: If you had a magic wand to solve common relationship problems, what would you solve?
If I had a magic wand to solve relationship problems, I would solve trust. Lack of trust is one of the most destructive elements in a relationship.
5. Question 5: When you say that relationship is not a 3-letter word, what do you mean?
The topic of our show today “Is the secret to love, Sex?”
Couples would have us believe that great sex keeps the relationship going or strong.
While sex is very important in a relationship it is not the most important factor.
I believe that communication is the most important factor.
Click the podcast link to hear from James directly as he answers this question.
6. Question 6: Why would you say that couples do not proactively seek relationship coaching and wait until there is a problem to get counselling?
Culture, conditioning. Women go to get an annual checkup every year. They get a PAP test to proactively check for any cervical problems. But this same woman would not think of going to a relationship coach to proactively check to see if her relationship is in danger of abnormal growth!
For the men I use the analogy of the oil change because men hate going to the doctor for an annual check up. But they do change their oil every 3 to 5 months. ( I had a laugh at this one. I asked James if he was suggesting men change their wife's, as often as they change the oil in their cars?)
He assured me he was not saying that but letting the men know that just like the car engine their relationships need regular maintenance.
Tony Robbins also has lots of empowerment advice for couples.
Click the link below to understand how to create better relationships from Tony Robbins
If you are empowered to become a member of the Human Potential Movement and would like to be a guest on the Mindset Transformation radio show and podcast contact me.
Andre Paradis, relationship coach shares dating advice on what makes masculine men commit to one woman. Sometimes these masculine men are scary, but these are the guys who want a woman and a family to take care of. They want a kingdom, which is you and the kids and a family. These, masculine men, want to provide for and cherish you.
Andre Paradis, Relationship Coach, NLP Coach, Educator of Effective Communications,Published Writer, Public Speaker, and Ordained Minister. Grew up in Canada, then became a professional dancer, dancing withlegends including Michael Jackson, Prince, Paula Abdul, Julio Eglesias to name a few. Later he attended a workshop called “Understanding Women.” And studied and learned from some of the biggest relationship masters (Dr. Pat Allen, Dr.Esther Perel, Dr. John Gray, Shantie Feldhan, and Alison Armstrong). He started sharing hisknowledge with friends and family.
He saw that this knowledge actually helped peoplelead happier lives with the people they love. He found a new purpose in life… The BigCalling deep inside him. He then sold his successful auto shop and launched Project Equinox Coaching to help men and women learn to build stronger, long-lasting, andhealthy love relationships. For some clients, he even officiates their wedding.”
Myrna: I think love is in trouble. Why do you think relationships are so difficult now?
Andre: It's a no brainer, I have seen it coming for about a decade now. It is the difference between men and women. You know Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men say, why did you talk so much? And women saying stuff like, he doesn't talk. But 10 years ago, it started shifting in the past five years incredibly quick. Is the concept of equality in the world, equal rights, equal pay, equal opportunities, fantastic for the feminist movement, I get it.
The core being that men should be like women, and women should be like men to be a good woman. So, we raise women up to be strong, independent, powerful. This is fantastic. But it's sort of over calibrated into women living like men. And then we teach young men, to be sweet, sensitive, vulnerable, talkative, showing vulnerability makes them boys.
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Why equality is the killer of romance
Myrna: Are we saying that men should be not vulnerable?
Andre: There's a lot of data on this and we'll talk about that a little bit. The opposite of what people think, people think less offers more protection towards women and children. Everything I teach is different. While the possibilities for money can bring opportunity or, equality, in the realm of relationships you depolarize everything with, equality.
Men and women need, polarity, to be attracted to each other. So, it's masculine and feminine. It's a positive magnet vs a negative magnet, it's black and white. In all the shades in between. The more polarity in a relationship, the more effective it is. So, we are neutralizing relationships when we insist on, equality. It’s the kiss of death in relationships. Don't do it.
Myrna: You said a couple of things there. Yep. us the first thing you said was that problem is that men don't talk, men don't listen. These are masculine traits, and the feminine traits are woman wanting to talk is no longer the problem. So, the problem with relationships today is that men are feminine and women are more masculine.
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Traits of masculine men
Andre: Correct, we have 3 types of men. The boys are the ones who lie, cheat and scam women. They don't want to work. They want women to work. They are the feminists. They say “You go girl, get that double promotion” and they lay on the couch and spoon the dog while the women work.
Then we have the guys who are somewhere in the middle. They're masculine enough to have jobs and cars and have their own place. They don’t live in a basement of their mother's house any longer. But when it comes to women, they don't take you out, or they'll say stuff like “what do you want to do? They are overly polite and bland, women hate that. So, these guys get to be easily reversed, rehabilitated into masculine stuff.
Now the real man, masculine men, is a whole different beast, they know who they are because they actually were raised in a system, they had male role models and they understand the value of a man is to go conquer something in the world, build their character and push through their fears. Build a business, leave a legacy etc. So, the problem with this, we're going to call it a problem, it's really not a problem, but the disconnect for you is that those guys are big. They're big, they're loud, they'll run you over sometimes to get where they are going. The more masculine a man is, the more he does what he does when he feels like it. Not only that, he's not asking your permission, you're not telling him what to do. He's handling it.
Sometimes they are scary but these are the guys who want women and a family to take care of. They want a kingdom, which is you and the kids and a family. These, masculine men, want to provide for and cherish you. The part you don’t like is they control everything and are difficult to deal with. I teach women how to deal with masculine men. Do you know how masculine men connect with women?
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Andre: Masculine men, connect to, feminine women, by being in their presence. He wants to have you in his space. Most women don’t understand this, they'll say to you, Lets go to Home Depot and the woman would respond “I don't want to go there.” You just mess it up. He is inviting you in his space, no talking necessary. By the way. This is when you screw it up. If you're going to invade his space and then don't fill it up with talking. You may not get invited back into his space.
Myrna: Why do you say, equality, is the kiss of death in relationships?
Andre: If you equalize our energies together, you neutralize the demand for, polarity, and its diversity so equal relationships are not sustainable. Whether, equality, is in the form of 50/50 on everything, or, equality, in the chores, equality, will essentially kill the sexual dynamics. You become roommates after a while.
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Why do masculine men commit to a woman
Myrna: What makes a masculine man committed to one woman?
Andre: Masculine men have a hard time finding women nowadays because they’re all masculine. Ladies if you want to be the one a masculine man commits to, you have to be a unicorn in the crowd, which means not a masculine woman but a woman with feminine essence.
Masculine Men commit to one woman for these reasons:
Polarity- masculine men want feminine women.
Masculine men are looking for a co- pilot, they don’t want you to fly the plane alone. They need a feminine woman to be by his side. He needs you to be a support system for the life that he has created for his family. Why masculine men commit to one woman? He wants a partner, a co-pilot.
Be his confidant when he needs one. Masculine men will control, manage and lead everything, but often they'll go babe. “I don't know what to do with this. What should we do?” This is a partnership, a team that's working together, flying the plane together. Two pilots, the pilot and the copilot, the president and vice president. In every corporation somebody has to lead and somebody else has to manage.
Myrna: When a man chooses a woman, she is the one he loves and he is definitely looking for his co-pilot, but a lot of men are playing the field and not choosing a woman. He will go out with a whole bunch of women and not commit and then one would come into his life and he'll commit immediately. So, what are the dynamics here? What you're saying is that masculine men want to settle down and start a family; only the boys want to play.
Andre: There you go. You are now getting it right, only the boys want to play the field. Masculine men want a kingdom. They want to build a kingdom with you. That's what makes them get out of bed in the morning. They live for that stuff. Women think that sex is what makes a man settle down. That’s actually the opposite it makes them go. You're not worthy, you have zero or too low value. Who else has been in here? Not doing it. I'm not doing anything with you.
Myrna: Tell us about your coaching programs and how readers can connect with you.
Andre: My mission is to change the culture of relationships, because what is happening out there is destroying families; destroying the possibility of healthy children. When a family is not healthy or broken, it keeps children from building their own healthy families and having healthy children. So, when you destroy families, you destroy our culture. Now it's my mission to recalibrate the culture. So, thank you for helping me spread this word.
I have two coaching gifts actually for your listeners. the first one is for the brave and the other one is for the less brave. Coaches are the key to success whether it's a business coach or life coach, relationship coach or a nutrition coach. Whatever success you are looking for in life a coach can help. This is why the coaching industry is the growing by leaps and bounds. So, if your listeners, resonated with anything I'm saying and they want to talk to me personally then sign up for a free coaching session at www.Andregroupcoaching.com that takes you to my calendar.
Schedule a FREE one-hour session whether it is for men or women. There is a questionnaire to help me sort of understand where you are before you're on the call and we have a zoom call like this, one on one. On that call we will figure out what's not working for you and what the dream is. I'm really good. In 15 minutes, we'll figure out exactly what things came up. It's typically In childhood trauma or the baggage that we carry.
I can't get anybody in a healthy relationship until we understand your baggage. So, in that call, we actually unpack the baggage. So that alone is life changing. For some people to understand there's nothing wrong with them. They just right. And from there, we're talking about the future. What is it that you want? And then I'll tell you different options if you want to work with me. You know ABCDE depending on your willingness or your finances, so that's one way to do it.
The next way is somebody's who’s not as brave you can email me directly at Andrecoaching1@Gmail.com. Write to me, tell me what's going on. I will answer personally.
What is love? Love doesn't require us to build a deep connection. We fall in love with babies all the time. We don't need a deep connection with them. They don't even have to reciprocate. I think we have to let go of the old idea that I have to be somebody or do something in order to realize this love that's already here.
The truth is, we all want love. Everything we do is in pursuit of it. But as we count likes on social media and measure our worth by the numbers in our bank accounts, we are programmed to see love as something to earn or win. That programming obscures the simple truth behind what we are: beautiful, infinite, eternal sources of love.
For Humble the Poet, the concept of love has been a decade-long curiosity. What began as reciting spoken-word poetry in coffee shops to impress girls, evolved into a creative adventure that has spanned the last 10 years, crossing genres, mediums, and oceans. In How To Be Love(d), the former elementary school teacher turned rapper, spoken-word artist, poet, and international bestselling author teaches his fans that instead of seeking to be loved by the world, we must be love.
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What is love? what are we doing wrong
Myrna: Wat are most of us doing wrong when it comes to love?
Humble: I think we believe that we have to, find love. And then we have to qualify for, love. And none of that's the case. I think we need to stop telling people you're worthy of love, and you're enough for love. Love is constant, it's always there. And what we actually need to do is just clear away the clutter to realize we don't have to do anything magical or specific to, earn love, and have, love, find us. It's the breeze, we just have to open up our sails to catch up.
Myrna: I love that. So, we've got different kinds of love. So, we've got God’s love, which is always everlasting. Then we've got, parental love, which is always everlasting. But, romantic love, where you know a man meets girl or Girl Meets Boy kind of thing. We feel that we have to earn, romantic love, love is it's an energy, right? It's a spirit. So, is that why you're saying we don't need to earn, love?
Humble: Yeah, I wouldn't even differentiate. I think instead of saying there's, there's, God’s love, there's parental love, there's, romantic love. I would say there's, pathways of love. So, the permanence of the pathway between us and the Almighty. And permanence is the, pathway of love, between us and our parents. Now when we create new relationships, we're building a pathway and that's why those pathways are less shaky. So, if I meet someone for the first time, we're beginning to create a path for love the, energy of love, to flow between us, right? It's not the love that is temporary. It's the path that's temporary.
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So, what is love, it depends on your, pathway to love. The, pathway of love, between us and our parents or us in the Almighty. These pathways have been established, we have to do work to maintain them and clear the clutter from them, obviously, but we don't have to do as much work than for example that we have a romantic partner. We have somebody we work with, we have an activity, these we have to do a lot more work to established a clear pathway. And there's a lot more day to day maintenance that's required for that.
We look at the previous pathways that we have, and we're like, those are so easy. So, making these new pathways with this person who I want to be my husband or wife should be just as easy. The day to day maintenance is not sexy. It’s like brushing your teeth. But unromantic work is required to keep, Love, maintained.
Brushing your teeth isn't a trip to Paris and it's the same thing with creating, pathways of love, between us and other people. It can't be big gestures; it's got to be the small things. It's got to be the uneventful things. It's got to be the uncomfortable conversations. It's got to be all of that. So, I don't differentiate between, love. I differentiate the pathways and how we build them. That’s the, love story.
Myrna: Please explain what you're talking about a pathway because I'm like here and I'm thinking like a highway.
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Humble: How to love, is like a highway or a river because the highway moves quickly. Things can move quickly on the highway so, let's say that you know the highway of the, pathway to love, would be the cars and you know if you have a beautiful well paved highway with a lot of wide lanes and it's built super strong, a lot of, love, can flow through it. Now if you have one that's not been maintained and has a lot of potholes and it's crumbling, and then random pieces of garbage in the middle of the road, then everything's gonna move slow or be obstructed.
So, the work that we have to do is not only to build the pathway, but to clear the pathway regularly. So, what would what would those potholes be? What would the damage be? That's going to be our insecurities, that's going to be our need to be liked, or people pleasing. That's going to be our egocentric behavior. That's going to be our self-esteem or self-respect. That's going to be us being unwilling to be vulnerable. Think about it. When you're not vulnerable. You're putting up a wall. Now imagine putting that wall on a highway hoping to be able to get rid of a wall. You have to clear the wall. Right? And it's not an overnight thing it's going to take time to do but we have to measure progress.
You don't have to do anything to receive love
You don’t have to be perfect and worthy of love to get qualified for love and if you have love for someone, they have to reciprocate it and it's like no we are a source of love. The work that we're doing to create and keep the highways clean, so we can love can flow to you. Some of us are creating and maintaining those highways, it's easier for some people in our lives and others. No, that doesn't mean it's impossible. It just means it's easier for others, you know, and it doesn't require the things that we think it doesn't require history. It doesn't require being perfect.
Myrna: I love it. I think that is the beautiful analogy. So, we've got this highway, right and we want to get somewhere. We want to get married. We want to be loved, so I've got this highway, but I want to get to this new love partner. But you're right, I've got all these potholes and I've got all these walls and I got all this garbage. You mentioned what some of these things are insecurities like self-esteem. You know, maybe baggage from somebody that's hurt us. So, I'm on this highway that's got all this stuff, but I'm not going anywhere because of all this clutter. So, in your book, do you tell people how to clear the, clutter.
Humble: Absolutely, the first thing I do is say you have to be aware of it. I'm gonna go as far as saying needing to get married is, clutter. So, what I'm saying is understanding what the, clutter, is super important and the, clutter, is not stopping you on a journey. The, clutter, is stopping love, from flowing in between you and the other person. So, our needs to have these external things outside of us is always going to be the first issue and then recognize as I said first thing is recognizing, clutter.
The second thing is okay, that it exists. Okay, there's nothing wrong with any of us for having, clutter. There's nothing wrong with any of us. We're having imperfections that nothing wrong with any of us are having insecurities, that nothing wrong with any of us from wanting to be liked and accepted by others. All of these things are, clutter, but there's nothing wrong with us. Love is to accept that you have, clutter. So, we need to accept ourselves as we are. And now we need to focus on progress over perfection. If somebody was perfect, but not be able to be vulnerable and if they can be vulnerable, then you cannot connect with them.
Let's abandon this idea that everything needs to be perfect. Let's make baby steps every single day in the right direction and celebrate those baby steps. And from that standpoint, where is the love, isn't finding a partner or, true love, it’s about being honest and saying I'll be good either way. I'll be good if I have a partner or if I am single. With a partner, I can build a, pathway of love, with them. And then both of us have two independent people pillars, not my better half, not you complete me, but instead, I am a pillar. They are a pillar. And now that we are two pillars, we can hold up more together something bigger than ourselves, whether that's a family or an empire or generational increase.
Now we work together for a purpose bigger than ourselves, but also saying I am a, source of love, and I don't require anything other than that. I'm not encouraging isolation. We are social creatures. Our human design is to be around people. But at the end of the day, what we're creating is, pathways of love, to be created between us and anybody. The thing is the isolation is our ego thing that we're separate from others. When we really tap deep into that, what we start to realize and I don't and for me personally based on you know where my family comes from in the world.
We don't differentiate God from love, this is the same energy. Because when you genuinely love somebody that's when you begin to melt into them. That is, how to love, the type of relationship that is possible with everyone and everything. I think that the ultimate beauty is when you can actually honestly say I would be okay single.
I don't require something outside of me to make me feel better or complete. They said we have a 56% divorce rate. We need to focus on nutrition instead of what's delicious. And I think a lot of the reasons we chase these types of relationships because they're delicious or not nutritious. How to love yourself, we need to establish healthier relationships with ourselves. That will also allow for healthy relationships with other people.
Myrna: Oh, yeah, self-love. We must have, self-love. We must be vulnerable. I know being a female, I'm not understanding how the male energy works, but female we have to be able to receive, we have to be able to make yourself vulnerable and be able to receive. You said that being aware of our imperfections and the potholes is the first step. You're saying that we don't need to get married to be complete, or to have a better but we don't want to be in isolation and the Bible says Two are better than one. So, if we are, looking for love, how do we find it? This love that we want to attract? Where is the love?
Humble: I'm not here to say it's better to be married versus single or what have you. The numbers are 56% divorce rate, so you can rush to get married and get in the wrong relationship and then you can end up being alone anyways. If a plane had a 56% chance of crashing, people aren't going to get on to it. So, I think learning, how to love yourself, will set the tone for all the other relationships that you have. Okay?
That means you have to be, vulnerable, with yourself.
That means you have to accept your imperfections.
That means you have to go easy on yourself.
That means you have to date yourself.
That means you have to journal and get to know your deeper, darker side.
That means you have to pray.
Prayer is Important, prayer helps with self-awareness. Journaling helps with self-awareness. Dancing by yourself in your room, gets you more aware of how your body moves and feels and flows. That's a level of intimacy with yourself. That's important. There's something called self-havening. When you hug yourself that is important.
We can hug ourselves, this level of intimacy with what we do for other people with intimacy with them and vulnerability. We can do that with ourselves. And what that allows us to do is set the tone of what we enjoy, what we don't enjoy, what our boundaries are. And this is really important especially if you have a female audience, but we have to realize that the woman's greatest power in a relationship is her, boundaries.
Women lose their value when the reduce their boundaries
Women cannot compete with other women. For a woman to compete with another woman for a man requires her to reduce her, boundaries, thus reducing the power, thus reducing her value. Men can compete with men. Because here's the thing if I'm competing with another man, all I'm trying to do is look better, and make more money. And if I lose, I still look better and make more money. If a woman has to reduce her, boundaries, to get the man, she also lost her value. And the reason we are hesitant to maintain, boundaries, is we think they make us unlikable. That's why we all say yes when we really mean No.
Myrna: Truth, when a woman competes with another woman for a man, she's willing to do more than the other woman to keep the man.
Humble: A lot of us learnt to people please as children. Maybe you tried to win over a parent's love one day and you weren't received well. And then you internalized thinking it's your fault. So, then you work harder. What you may not realize is your mom or dad just had a really bad day at work. You know, our mom and dad were also raised in a world where they may not know how to be emotionally available. And there's a million reasons why but when you're a child, you can't understand that.
Myrna; So what advice do you have for people looking to find a partner? We've covered a little bit of it. You said that we don't need a partner to complete us so we should be okay to be by ourselves. But let’s say I still want a partner. I want the, love pathways, to take me somewhere? What is love?
Humble: So, I'm not saying you don't need a partner. What I'm saying is don't sacrifice your, self-respect, for a partner. If you want just straight up, dating advice, one of the best pieces of advice that I got was relive, write out your entire love life. From your, first love, in kindergarten all the way up to today. Write the entire love life out. Talk about your best memories, talk about your worst memories Then go back with a highlighter and revisit the story, anything that makes you feel good highlight it. These are the qualities you want in a partner.
So for me, I had an ex-girlfriend when I was first starting this, you know, dating somebody and this is you know, 10 years ago and she said listen, the world needs to hear your voice. Stop doing everything else the world needs to hear in your voice. The world needs to hear your ideas. So, whenever I felt insecure hearing, her say that lit uplifted me. Later on, if I was dating somebody else and they're like, look, you know work isn't everything. Your mission isn't everything. Money isn't everything. I would be like; you’re not understanding what my purpose on this planet is. We're not compatible.
So, I wrote that down somebody that understand the purpose of, Humble the Poet.
Myrna: Tell us about your book. Now normally this is the part where I asked why did you write it? And what do you want people to walk away with? But if you told me, you wrote it because you wanted to challenge the norms and challenge the way that people live their lives superficially. But what do you want to add to that?
Humble: I want people to understand that even after you read the book, even after you hear this interview, I'm not a love guru. I'm not a love expert. What I am is I am somebody who had a failed relationship. And I was desperate to figure out why it failed. I was with a beautiful person who was beautiful inside and out. But there was a lot of anxiety and a lot of toxic energy within me that wouldn't allow me to go deeper and connect with them.
For us to spend our lives together and I was desperate to figure out why I was failing at love. So, I took a super deep dive to explore love and figure out what I was doing wrong. And this book is what I learned. So, I'm not a, love guru. What I am is I'm a student at the front of the class, taking the most precise, simple notes and I'm sharing them with everybody else. And I'm still figuring myself out. I'm still learning, what is love.
Chemistry, is energy. It cannot be created or destroyed. Some call it physical attraction; but, Chemistry, is biological. It happens when your DNA gets excited by the other person’s DNA.
As we head into the New Year I know that many of you are engaging the, Law of Attraction, to bring you a spouse or a mate in 2021.
We are not meant to be alone. The Bible says that Two are better than one, because If either of them falls down, one can help the other, so we are hard wired with the need to share our lives with a significant other.
Listen to the audio here:
What are the 3 most important qualities in Relationships
I want to share three of the foundational qualities of love, relationships.
Let’s start with, compatibility. There is a significant amount of dating sites connecting couples based on, compatibility.
Is Compatibility the most Important quality in Relationships'
Compatibility, is important; but not the most important. Compatibility, is based on likes and dislikes, Like Religious preferences, standard of living, education etc.
But there is an old saying that says opposites attract.
There is also a new word floating around the internet and that is, polarity. Polarity is like the north and South Pole. Opposite ends of the spectrum and we need this polarity in relationships to keep the fires burning.
So when you marry someone who is just like you and you are so, compatible, love coaches say that sooner or later married couples stop having sex because there is no, polarity.
Now let’s look at, Chemistry. Chemistry, is energy. It cannot be created or destroyed. Some call it physical attraction; but, Chemistry, is biological. It happens when your DNA gets excited by the other person’s DNA. It is random; but absolutely essential for a long lasting, love connection. It is what makes your heart ache when you are apart.
Chemistry, is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of, chemistry, will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high degree of, chemistry, will mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness. Good times.
Some call , chemistry, connection but whatever you call it, you know when it is there and when it is not.
Some call, chemistry, meeting your, soul mate. I do believe that our souls know when we connect to our perfect match. When you meet your, soul mate, the connection is immediate, you feel the, chemistry.
Steve Harvey said that his wife walked into one of his comedy shows in a crowd of hundreds and he stopped what he was doing and told her she was going to be his wife. There are thousands of stories like this to highlight what, chemistry, looks like.
When my husband first saw me, he said he felt this warm feeling in his body that is DNA, that is, chemistry! The first time I spoke to my husband my heart did summersaults for a week! Definitely, chemistry.
But here is the question of the day. Can you have a successful marriage with, compatibility, and no, chemistry? I am sure you can with commitment; but it would be equivalent to being married to your roommate.
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Is Effective Communication the foundation for a Happy Marriage?
Finally, let’s look at, communication
Communication, usually gets the blame when a marriage or relationship fail, because if there is no, communication, you can’t have a successful marriage or relationship.
We all have different, communication, styles so, effective communication, is the most important and the least understood dynamic. It is the deal breaker.
Conclusion: Chemistry Compatibility Communication
As we wrap up, I want to leave you with some of the main differences between men and women.
Women are all about their feelings, Men don’t trust feelings.
Women connect emotionally with “talking,” Men talk to pass on data, period.
Women have to feel good to do good, Men have to do good to feel good.
Women want to hear all about it, Men don’t want to talk about it.
Women need to feel connected to have sex, Men connect with sex.
Women’s happiness resides in the state of their relationships; all their relationships. Men’s happiness resides in their accomplishments and their ability to provide and protect their love ones.
Women get depressed when they feel like all they do is give but that they don’t get back, while Men get depressed when they feel no one appreciates them.
Understanding these differences is the first step towards creating successful long lasting relationships. Check out John Gray book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”
Are you a single woman hoping to, find your soul mate? What about your, twin flame, who is your mirror, soul. Science says that when you meet your Life partner, some thing magical happens. In this blog we look at what happens when two, souls, with constructive energies meet?
Listen to the full interview here:
In our last episode my co-host and I looked at what, single women, need to do to get their house ready for love, where to look for love and what to look for when you are starting over after divorce or death of a partner.
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Introduction
How to, Find your Soul mate, the Science of Attraction
In the last Blog post, I shared how I met my husband on a train. I am going to use this personal story to illustrate what happens when two strangers or, souls, meet for the first time.
As you may remember from Chemistry class, every atom and molecule gives out and absorbs light. The human body is made up of 50 trillion cells composed of atoms and molecules. So we are massive bundles of energy giving off and absorbing light or energy all the time.
When two energies come together they become entangled, the first step to, find your soul mate, is constructive energy.
When two energies are in harmony, the result is called, constructive energy, because it increases in size. That is why you should grow as a person when you are in the right relationship.
We call this, “good vibes” very important when you are hoping to, find your soul mate.
So let's look at what happened when I met my husband and our energies became constructive!
I walked onto a train and he was standing by the door. I looked fine, mini skirt, sunglasses, designer bag over my shoulder, so I caught his attention. He caught my attention because he was the first black officer I had seen on the train.
On be known to me my second Chakra or energy center in charge of communication sent him a signal because he tells me he felt this warm feeling in his body. He had never felt that before. Let me put a pin here and explain.
Our bodies are made up of seven energy centers, called Chakras. Each of these energy centers are responsible for certain functions. I know that my second Chakra located below my navel is my communication center and it is responsible for engaging a mate by sending out signals when it finds a compatible energy so you can, find your soul mate.
My husband could also be my, twin flame. After 14 years of marriage, I do believe we are mirror souls. What Is A Twin Flame? Sometimes discussed in terms of a “mirror soul” or, soul connection, a, twin flame, is the other half of your, soul. It is theorized that a, soul, can split into two after ascending to a high frequency. Thereafter, the, soul, lands in two different bodies.
I must have also received something from my husband's energy center as well because my thoughts lingered on him. I was curious. That was all that it was for me at that time. Curiosity. I was not actively looking to, find a soul mate.
But I have heard men say that the first time they saw their wife they knew that she was the one. There is such a thing as love at first sight! Have you heard Steve Harvey tell his story of when he met his wife and, how he found his, soul mate?. I don't think he was actively trying to, find your soul mate. But there she was. He was doing stand up comedy and she walked in late with her girlfriends, and he couldn’t stop staring at her. In fact he couldn’t even continue his act. He told her right then that she was going to be his wife! Believe in compatible energy, it is real.
Anyway, back to my story. Because our energies entangled and we both got, good vibes, we looked to further the communication.
The, Soul mate Connection, is Immediate
Another pin. That is why we shouldn't chase men. if you guys have, constructive energy, or, good vibes, they will reach out. We are hard wired to mate. It is all happening without our conscious thought. Your soul is looking for it's, twin flame.
So my husband searched for me on the train every day until he found me. I noticed him sit behind me for a few mins while he got up the nerve to come talk to me. We talked for about 30 mins until I got off the train at my stop. I will confess that I was not impressed by the conversation. He cursed like a sailor. I think that men who curse in front of women have no respect; but when I got off the train my energy body told me that it had made a, soul connection.
I had this incredible feeling of euphoria! My stomach was doing somersaults. I knew right then that we would have a relationship. I knew right then that I had found my, soul mate, This is how you, find your soulmate, you listen to your body.
Three months later he proposed we were married 8 months after. That was 13 years ago and we are still in love, compatible energies!
Soul mate Meaning
This is an example of the science of two, compatible energies, something we have no control over. That is why you have heard people say we have no control over who we love. You can't pick your, soul mate. The science of attraction brings him or her to you.
Your, soul mate meaning, two souls joining together to perfect each other.
On the other hand when your energy is not in sync with other, we get, bad vibes, not your, soul mate. The energy cancels each other out and instead of feeling euphoria you feel depleted.
Energy is your most important reading as a single woman looking for a mate. Ever heard the saying that someone is like an anchor, you can’t thrive since you met them. Pay attention that means that you are not expanding, you are contracting or stuck.
Illustration the Science of, Attraction, the bad vibe
Rhonda met this great guy at a bar. The guy was gorgeous, absolutely delicious. He pursued and seduced her and they started, dating. They had a great time together but something didn’t click. He was kinda, sorta vague on his explanation about everything.
It took about three months of, dating, this guy for Rhonda to discover that he was still living with his daughter’s mother and another 6 months to understand that theirs was an on and off relationship. He would never under any circumstances spend the night, saying that he did not want his daughter to wake up and he was not there. This reminds me of Whitney Houston’s married relationship in Waiting to Exhale!
This is when Rhonda realized that a married man is a married man. They can string you along forever. They can tell you anything. She decided to breakup. The breakup was mutual but she wasted at least 2 years on a relationship that was going nowhere when if she had paid attention to her, bad vibes, she could have saved herself from heartache.
Reading energy is the most important data in the, dating, world.
Be careful of Psychopaths while looking to, find your Soul Mate
Have you ever met a psychopath? Or been in a relationship with one? They are masters at reading energy.
We are all broadcasting a frequency of our most innermost thoughts. That is how a predator picks out his prey.
That is how a mugger chooses his victim.
Animals also know how to read this energy. A lion picks his prey from a flock. He reads the vibration of the weakest prey.
I am sure everyone on the planet is aware on some level of the Art Kelly crimes against teenage girls and women. How do you think he chose his victims? Women who would allow him to disrespect their bodies and lock them up in a room and have to ask to go to the bathroom and ask to eat? Some said that he didn't feed them for 3 days, yet they didn't leave. As one of his victims said in an interview. If you were weak minded, he wants you. You could be a teenager or a 30 year old woman!
Science of, attraction, reading vibrations when looking to, find your soul mate?
Synergistic relationships are based on both individuals being on the same wavelength, when they completely understand each other and don't try to limit the space they occupy in each other's lives.
I read an article that stated the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The examples used was if you train two Belgian horses together, the effect is multiplied: together, they can pull 32,000 pounds. Two horses, doing the work of four, even though it seems to defy physics. Often, in a positive relationship, you’ll find that synergy is already happening.
How can you increase that by finding harmony, in acknowledging individual strengths and how they work best together? For example, I love to shop; but I don’t necessarily like to cook all the time. My husband, will send me a list of all the items to pick up the grocery store and he will cook. I then just have to do keep the kitchen tidy and get the family read to enjoy his great cooking. It works for both of us.
In regards to signs women should look out for in predators, Robert Hare, one of the world’s foremost experts on, psychopathic behavior, believes that people need to know what to do in the event they find themselves involved or associated with a predatory psychopath.
Here are his tips on How to Avoid being targeted by a predator when trying to, find your soulmate:
Be careful of props—the winning smile, the promises, the fast talk, and the gifts meant to deflect you from the manipulation and exploitation that may be occurring. Any of these characteristics can have enormous sleight-of-hand value, serving to distract you.”
Anyone who seems too perfect is. Psychopaths hide their dark sides until they get their target person deeply involved. Too much flattery, feigned kindness, and cracks in grandiose stories should provide clues and put you on your guard. Make reasonable inquiries.
Know yourself—or you might be vulnerable from your blind spots. Predators know how to find and use your triggers, so the more you realize what you tend to fall for, the more closely you can guard against it.
The second stage in the Science of Attraction, is Chemistry
I know you have heard this word thrown around all the time. For example the dating sites match people up by common interests; but they can't manufacture chemistry.
Let's get back to my husband for a minute.
I just shared all about the our first meeting and about us having good vibes but if we had no chemistry we would just become good friends.
Here are the Chemicals released by love that is responsible for Chemistry:
Dopamine – Lights up your pleasure center. Your pleasure goes up when you are near or think about this person. Your motivation goes up, Now you are thinking of that nice house and 2 kids! Your sadness goes down, if you were depressed, you are now happy.
I know you have heard the saying love is blind. It is true. Dopamine make you more attractive to your mate and since we are on this planet to procreate, your sexuality goes up! I am sure you have heard or have personal data that new lovers do it all the time!
The second chemical that is released in love is Oxytocin – Oxytocin is responsible for trust. Your level of trust goes up, and your attachment goes up. This is probably why your girlfriends can’t figure why you are going out with a player; but you don’t see it until your heart is crushed. The psychopath uses this one to his advantage.
Finally Serotonin is released. – This hormone is responsible for all the pain attached to love. Serotonin goes up and you become obsessed with your lover. Love is a chemical addiction!
Thank God I have only had one experience with an over abundance of this hormone.
I met one of my boyfriends at a club and it was an instant attraction. I fell hard. I swooned when he called me baby the next day!
Less than 2 months after we met, we made plans to spend the New Year in Jamaica. He left before Christmas but I wouldn’t leave my kids for Christmas so I made plans to meet him in Jamaica after Christmas. It was the longest week in my entire life. I literally looked at the clock the entire time. I was an addict! I however did not, find my soulmate.
Arifah what can you lend to this conversation from a social worker perspective?
Wow, Myrna glad you spoke about the hormones. I always talk to my clients about increasing their Oxytocin through touch, such as a hug, holding hands, a kiss. Everyone has a sensitive area on the body that causes arousal when touched, whether sexual or just to feel good. It’s important in a relationship to know what your partner likes and does not, to give each other compliments and share tips on how increase synergy between each other. It’s important to always reminisce on moments, like when you first met, knew you were in love and what you admire about one another now. All of this, helps build connection.
In general the most salient characteristics for chemistry between two people are mutual interest (reciprocal candor, reasonableness, intimacy,
Remember you have an open invitation to join this group to get answers from the group on any of your struggles in life.
Question from Velma: I would like to, find your soul mate, but most men in my age group 60, want a traditional woman to cook and clean and a man to think for her. I’m not a traditional woman and I’m tired of pretending to be helpless. How do we as women maneuver in a world of the insecure man?
My answer – be both cake and ice-cream. Sometimes you are soft like ice cream and sometimes you are in charge and embrace your masculine energy and be cake.
What’s your answer Arifah
Keep doing what you love and make yourself a priority to level up.
Question from Elizabeth:
Should I be looking to, find your soul mate, of just someone to keep me warm at night?
When you are in your fifties and you have to start all over dating, do you date to find a husband or should you be okay with someone to keep you warm at night.
My answer- Someone to keep you warm at night. Women over 40 have a very slim chance of finding a husband, but you can definitely, find your soul mate!
What’s your answer Arifah?
Its up to you, based on what you are looking for in the present. Dating, can work either way, based on what you end up wanting.
Arifah is the Founder and Program Director of Lifted by Purpose.
Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services to organizations seeking trainings, workshops or programs with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors. Including:
Anger Management
Healthy Relationships
Mental Health Education and Coping Skills
Youth Engagement and
Mental Health First Aid Training
Located at 180 Shaw St, suite 201, Toronto, Ont. Phone # 416-391-5270
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