How To Get Out Of The Snares of Child Abuse

Out of the Snares of Poverty and Child Abuse

Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement is a book written to encourage women of color who were born in lack. It showcases my, personal growth, journey and how I got, out of the snares, of poverty and, child abuse.

 

This is my interview on the Books of the Month show on www.ptwwntv.com

Listen to the interview:

 

Introduction to Out Of the Snares

Myrna – I am a, life coach, I host a show on the preach the word television network called Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life, one of the reasons that I wrote the book, Out of the Snares, is because I believe and I wanted to encourage women that it is not where we come from, but where we end up that’s important.

It’s also the only way that we can go through that transition like from a caterpillar to a butterfly is if we allow the things that happen to us in life help us with, personal growth.  We should use challenges to transform ourselves and for our, personal development.

So, the book, Out of the Snares, is basically a story of my life.  I wrote it from a, life coaching, perspective with 10 principles of, life experiences, that happened to me and what I learned from those, life experiences.

I’m a, life coach, but I do most of my coaching on my show Transform Your Mind. It is a radio, podcast and a television show.

Dr O.C Pringle:  You’re doing it all sister Young, you’re doing it all right and so of course your inspiration would be your, life’s experience, and, child abuse. let’s talk about that.

Out of the Snares of Child Sexual Abuse

Myrna:  I was, sexually abused, as a child in Guyana by a family friend.  He was technically my Godfather, but being from a third world country, a very poor country and he was very rich.

We would call him a, pedophile, he showered me with a lot of attention,  and bought me a lot of gifts and then took advantage of that.

I didn’t realize that we were doing anything wrong until I became 13 and started having Boyfriends.

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DR O.C Pringle: Until you became what?  Wait how old were you?

 

Myrna:  This, sexual abuse, began at age 10.

 

Dr O.C Pringle: Wow did anything ever happen to this guy?

 

Myrna: No, because like most children I didn’t say anything about it. I told no one. This book was my first experience talking about it and I in my 40’s when I wrote, Out of the Snares. My dad read the book and was very upset that he did not know this was going on.

Children carry a lot of shame regarding, sexual abuse, I still carried shame when I wrote, Out of the Snare. As you can see I used my maiden name Trotman for the author name.

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Dr. O.C Pringle: So, you placed Myrna Bernadette Trotman on the cover of the book, because you didn’t want people to know it was you, but your picture is on the cover!!

 

Myrna: I started to release shame when I started talking about the, sexual abuse, and when I learnt that children can’t give consent for sex. So whatever guilt and shame that I had attached to my, sexual abuse, I released it.

 

Dr O.C Pringle: Well listen it worked out for your good, but all things work together for the good of them that loved God and are called according to his, purpose, so your, sexual abuse, worked in your favor. You were able to redirect that energy into something positive where you’re helping people all over the world.  You’re on radio and on television, yes you are some kind of a woman.

Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement

Self Improvement Book: Out of the Snares
Out of the Snares of poverty, and sexual abuse

So, let’s talk some more about the book.

 

Myrna: Out of the Snares, is made up of 10 principles in life that we should live by:

 

  1. Keep Your, Vision, in Front of you– Dare to dream big dreams and understand the principles of vision casting.
  2. The events in your life whether good or bad, work together for good– God said I know your expected end. Stay the course; don’t give up until you win.
  3. Let the, Universal Laws of Attraction, the, Laws of Intention, work for you– Ask and it will be given unto you.
  4. Have a, Positive Mindset– Take control of your thoughts and attitudes. Get rid of ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts)
  5. Use what you have in your hand– You were created with a purpose; God gave you the skills and talents you need to complete your task. Stop waiting for the right time.
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  1. Be intentional about your Growth– Be proactive, be intentional, build on your gifts, and continually improve.
  2. If you build it, they will come“ Be a servant first.
  3. Find your Passion– it is the Fire in your belly. Become conscious of what lights you up. God put that Fire in your belly as a beacon to achieve your purpose.
  4. Love– it is what makes this Human experience worthwhile. Love yourself first. Love is spirit, God is spirit.
  5. Business Consciousness– how to create a startup company and succeed in marketing.

Additional Resources

Do You Have A Child Sexual Abuse Story? Break the Silence

Self love is the secret Out of the Snares of Child Abuse

Surviving R. Kelly: The Mindset Of A Sexual Predator

sexual predators r Kelly and Jeffrey Epstein

How can women use their intuitive gifts to understand the mindset of the, sexual predator, like, R Kelly? We check the boxes to understand why, sexual predators, seek out and choose certain women.

In this episode of the, Transform your Mind, personal development podcast, I interview Intuitive and spiritual coach Nicole Leffer

 

Surviving r Kelly Sexual Predator

The Lifetime series, Surviving r Kelly, and the follow up Dateline episode, show a rich and famous, R Kelly, feeding his sex machine with women of all ages. His preference seemed to be teenage girls as young as 12 years old; but women in their 30’s had the same experience.  One said that she did unspeakable things in a Black room, was starved, had to ask before she went to the bathroom, was physically abused, and had to call, r Kelly,  Daddy.

So in this interview, Nicole and  I  explore the mindset of  a, sexual predator,  and how women of all ages can use their intuition to escape the lair of a, sexual  predator.

 Have you ever gotten a reading on the, mindset sexual predator,?

Nicole since you are an intuitive and there’s been a lot of readings,  have you ever gotten a reading on a, sexual predator?  What is going on in the mindset of a, sexual predator,?

 I’ve never done a reading where I sat like I sat down and read a, sexual predator.  I don’t think that somebody in that space would allow that. I have had a couple of times the in readings for other people who was a victim of a, predator.   What I  picked up was a lot of assurance that it was not their fault. Something about them triggered the mindset of the, sexual predator.  Something from their childhood or from their past that they were tormented and deeply tortured about, attracted the, sexual predator, so they became the target. 

This is also the Law of Attraction concept.  The energy that you are putting out attracts, sexual predators. They can read you. If you have a lot of insecurities within yourself, a, predator, can pick up on your insecurities and that they have the opportunity to come in and fill that void.  

You become vulnerable if you view yourself as not enough and the, sexual predator, can sniff that out. 

The other factor that has come through in my, intuitive readings,  is that the, sexual predator,  is also trying to fill some need in themselves. They have learned that preying on the innocent, dulls the pain inside themselves and gives them the sense of power and control over their victims. Whatever it is they’re trying to get through or over, they’re using this behavior as their outlet for that.  It is not a healthy behavior by any means,  but it’s  similar to how people use drugs or they’ll use alcohol or they’ll use sex or they’ll use a million different things.  It’s like somehow somewhere along the way,  this person has learned that this is a solution to their pain, their torment, their torture and the wires get crossed in their brains and this is what happens.

How do we use our Intuition to understand, the mindset sexual predator,? 

We do have an, intuition, in ourselves to be able to prevent this from happening to us. Not 100 percent of the time, but as humans we are able to pick up the warning signs and cues, if we are paying attention.  

One of the victims in the, Surviving Robert R Kelly, interview said just that.  She said that, sexual predators, look for the, weak minded woman,.  They usually go for the young, like teenagers because they are, weak minded women,  but if they find you are weak minded as an adult, then you become a victim as well.  She was one of the women in her 30’s who was a victim.  So if you are a, weak minded woman, then you are not using your, intuition, instead, you are looking for this person to fill the void in your life, and in, the mindset of a, sexual predator, they are more than happy to accommodate.

Listen to the rest on this interview on audio to understand how your feeling of not being enough activates the, sexual predator, to target you.

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https://tunein.com/podcasts/Motivational/Transform-your-Mind-with-Coach-Myrna-p1102799/

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Protecting your Child from, Sexual Abuse, in your Own Home

Do You Have A Child Sexual Abuse Story? Break the Silence

child sexual abuse

What does, child sexual abuse, look like? It is the face of innocence interrupted.
Millions of children are victims of, sexual abuse, every year from people they trust. Fathers, brothers, uncles, family friends, their mothers boyfriends…the list goes on.

The, BTS documentary,  is shining a light on this issue with their documentary, “Breaking the Silence.”

This documentary, “Breaking the Silence,” aired on the TLC network. This one-hour special featured interviews with people and children impacted by, sexual abuse, including two members of RAINN’s Speakers Bureau, survivors Ter-rae Lee and David Moody, as well as survivor-advocate Erin Merryn, the force behind Erin’s Law.

Child Sexual Abuse Cheryl Burke

One of the speakers on the program was Cheryl Burke of Dancing with the Stars fame. Cheryl shared her, child sexual abuse, story. She was a victim of, sexual abuse,  by her kinder-garden school teacher at the tender age of 6 years. She shares how that experience has shaped her life and defined her subsequent choice in lovers.

Burke, 31, said the, sexual abuse, started when she was in kindergarten. She didn’t name anyone specifically, but said, “He would make me watch pornographic videos. He was kind of like that fatherly figure – I think he knew my weakness, that I was very insecure.

Burke, 31, said her parents had divorced and her father had moved away, so this man was tasked with watching her and took advantage.

“I couldn’t speak up for myself. It was hard for me to say no. In a weird way, it was like I didn’t want to hurt him,” the native Californian added.

The dancing star eventually had to testify against the man when she was 6, she said.

Facing your Abuser

“My mom was there holding my hand, I was shaking and there was my molester right in front of me. It was so terrifying to see him face to face. I remember taking a lot of breaks because I would just break down,” she said, adding it was dance that brought her back.

Some other famous, child sexual abuse,  survivors were Oprah Winfrey and Dr Maya Angelou. All three of these women overcame their childhood obstacles and went on to live remarkable lives, but some are not so fortunate. In my book “Out of the Snares, A story of hope and encouragement” I share my, child sexual abuse,  story and give my readers 10 life principles on how to not only overcome your childhood story; but how to succeed in spite of it.

Oprah’s Child Sexual Abuse story

The media mogul Oprah Winfrey recounted her own experiences with, sexual abuse, which included being raped at the age of nine.

“Anybody who has been verbally abused or, physically abused,  will spend a great deal of their life rebuilding their self esteem,” Winfrey said in front of 3,000 students.

She recounted being physically beaten as a child, saying it was a cultural experience many African- American children went through. She also said was raped and molested.

Winfrey talked about some of the positive aspects of her life: How she learned to read before she was three, how she wished to be Diana Ross, and how she skipped school because she wrote a note to her teacher.

Description of her happy times didn’t last, though.

“I grew up in an environment where children were seen and not heard,” she said.

“I was beaten regularly.”

One such beating, she said, stuck out in vividly in her mind.

“I went to a well to get some water and carry it in a bucket. And I was playing in the water with my fingers, and my grandmother had seen me out the window and she didn’t like it.

“She whipped me so badly that I had welts on my back and the welts would bleed. And then when I put on my Sunday dress, I was bleeding from the welts. And then she was very upset with me because I got blood on the dress.

“So then I got another whipping for getting blood on the dress.”

 

 

Here are the 10 Biblical and Universal Laws that can help readers rewrite their story of Child Sexual Abuse

1. Keep Your Vision in Front of you – Dare to dream big dreams and understand the principles of vision casting.
2. The events in your life whether good or bad, work together for good. Your, child sexual abuse, was your teachable moment. God said I know your expected end. Stay the course; don’t give up until you win.
3. Let the Universal Laws of Attraction, the Laws of Intention work for you – Ask and it will be given unto you.
4. Have a Positive Mind-set – Take control of your thoughts and attitudes. Get rid of ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) from your, sexual abuse.
5. Use what you have in your hand- You were created with a purpose; God gave you the skills and talents you need to complete your task. Stop waiting for the right time.
6. Be intentional about your Growth- Be proactive, be intentional, build on your gifts, and continually improve.
7. If you build it, they will come. Be a servant first.
8. Find your Passion – it is the Fire in your belly. Become conscious of what lights you up. God put that Fire in your belly as a beacon to achieve your purpose. You can achieve your purpose in spite of your, child sexual abuse.
9. Love – it is what makes this Human experience worthwhile. Love yourself first. Love is spirit, God is spirit.
10. Business Consciousness – how to create a startup company and succeed in marketing.

Additional Resources

Surviving R. Kelly: The Mindset Of A Sexual Predator

What is the Connection between Sexual Abuse and Addiction?

 

 

How to Reap What You Sow in Sales

Universal laws of sowing and reaping

Most of us are familiar with the seeds of, tithing, and giving; but the law of, sowing and reaping, go way beyond the physical.

My guest today is  Dr Denise Johnson, Spiritual Psychologist, on her radio program “Spiritual Principles for Emotional Healing.”

In this interview, I share my back story of how I became conscious and awakened, my first book, Becoming Conscious, my Awakening, the situations and storms in my personal life that resulted in my spiritual growth and evolution, and finally my topic “Are you Eating your Seed, How to Reap where you Plant”

In this episode I also share how Tony Robins “Unleash the Power Within” seminar ushered me in the direction of my purpose.
You see I was on my way to becoming a house wife when I happened to attend one of Tony’s “Unleash the Power Within” seminars and left the experience totally fired up!

Two months later, I was the proud owner of my first stretch limousine and the CEO of “A Royal Livery Limousine Service”
Six years later, I was being honored with “Entrepreneur of the Year

The Law of Sowing and Reaping

Here is Gerald Butler’s experience with the “Unleashing the Power within” seminar!

“Fear is a huge issue for me. This technique Tony has is a really smart way to literally set those fears aside… That to me, is unleashing the power within.” – Gerard Butler

As a distinguished actor, Gerard Butler, spends his life at the next level. Between his countless roles, Gerard is also a dedicated philanthropist. Introduced to Tony Robbins through his dad when he was 17, Gerard had listened to several audio programs before attending Unleash the Power. Despite living life in the public eye and being one for adventure, Gerard struggled with losing focus and being consumed in fear. Before attending Unleash the Power Within, he even found himself nervous about participating with 10,000 other people. Enraptured by the intense energy of the event, his nerves quickly disappeared and he found himself finally able to move towards overcoming his habit of fear. Gerald learned the, law of sowing and reaping, sow joy and reap joy instead of fear.

How coaching helps you learn the laws of sowing and reaping

Life Coaching,  is taking the client from where they are today to where they want to be tomorrow.
Life coaching,  is different from sports coaching.
If the client does not get the victory, you don’t fire the coach!

The life coach’s role is not to design the plays, but to Help the client discover the right plays!

As a spirituality coach, I help my clients understand who they are?
What beliefs have been holding them back from success.
What are the obstacles they have to overcome to achieve success in life and the concept of, sowing and reaping.

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What are some of the seeds you need to plant to reap success

Most of us are familiar with the seeds of, tithing, and giving.
The bible teaches that if you bring your tithe into the storehouse, God would multiply it 60, 100 times.
But, the law of sowing and reaping, go way beyond the physical.
My sales manager told me once to “To Reap where I Sow”
That means that as a field sales agent, I am building relationships in my, sales territory, I am, sowing seeds.
Similar to a real estate agent who farms a territory.
You don’t want to spend years building, sowing, and then leave before the harvest!

Sowing seeds, are important in your job, in your marriage, in your friendships, with your children.
The bible teaches to love as you want to be loved, you must give first whatever you want to receive!
In your job, if you are faithful, working hard every day as unto the Lord, then your seeds will grow into the harvest of a promotion.
Just keep watering the seed through service and attention.

Why does God give you a seed?

As is taught in the parable by Jesus and the 3 servants entrusted with bags of silver by their master; God expects you to multiply whatever he gives to you.
He does not give you a talent or a gift for you to bury it or hoard it for yourself; no he gives it to you to benefit his kingdom.

Let me explain that using a physical example, the apple tree. Each apple has 5 seeds.
500 apple trees can produce an orchard of 30,000 apples. Proprietary growing and pruning methods developed by Tree Plantation, can double that again to over 100,000 apples per acre.
In a similar way, God gives you seeds so that you can scatter them and produce fruit!
He can blow your seeds where you did not even plant!

How to Make your Ground Fertile for sowing and reaping.

To make your ground fertile, you have to hear the word, and do the word.
You can’t reap a harvest without first tilling the soil, you have to make the soil ready to receive the nutrients to grow the plants.
One way to do this is to find your burning bush!
What did God put inside of you that he wants you to bring to fruition?

How to Equate the Laws of the Harvest to the Laws of the Universe?

Whatever you sow you shall reap!
You reap in proportion to what you sow, so sow generously.

Remember the oak tree lives in the acorn!

Small things do grow into big things.
Keep hitting the anvil, do something small every day to water the seed you have in the ground.

What is the Eating Your Seed Concept?

You have to save some of your earnings in order to plant it.
If you consume it all, you will have nothing to, sow, and you will always be without.
That is why your financial planner advises you to save 10% of your income to invest and get a return.

The bible teaches us that if you give, it will be given to you, A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.
But it starts with giving.

Give whatever you want to receive, plant whatever you want to sow!

In closing, this is your season, this is the right time, start planting your seeds, keep watering them every day and watch God turn your apple into an orchard!

If you like this content please subscribe to my iTunes channel
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Additional Resources

How to Unleash Power Within

 

How to Play to Win with the Cards you are Dealt in Life

play to win the game of life

We should, play to win. I wrote the book “Out of the Snares, a story of Hope and Encouragement” with the intention of drawing, life lessons, from various aspects of my Life and how I, played to win.  For example the first life event that I introduced in my book is as a victim of childhood, sexual abuse, and being born into, poverty.

The, life lesson, I share here is that of the, victim mentality.

You don’t have to be a, victim, in life; instead become a player.

 

Just like in the game of blackjack, if the dealer is showing a picture card and you only have small cards, you don’t chuck your hand in and say there’s no way that I can win.
You must, play to win. All you need is the intention to win and guess what, your hand is going to get better.

Quitters Never Win and Winners Never Quit

 

Here is a short excerpt from my book:

Out of the Snares a story of hope and encouragement

Intro How to Play to Win – My story

I was born into a family with nothing, my mother and grandmother were both domestic servants. My dad was in Teachers College and did not know his real father. He lived with his mom and stepfather who was an alcoholic. In 1959 Guyana was a British colony of England.
Just like England colonized India and took all the wealth out of India, in a similar way England took all of Guyana’s resources out of the country.
Most of the Blacks and Indians were living in, poverty. My mom and grandmother worked for white English folk.

As a child I was always fed and had clothes and shoes to wear. My mom and grandmother both made our clothes.
So, it was understandable that I would be drawn to my godfather, who was a wealthy man with several houses, several cars and a corner shop filled with snacks and chocolate bars. Mr. Clark as I will call him took a liking to me beyond that of a Godfather and treated me like his grandchild.

I spent a lot of time at his house. He took me out with his family every weekend and really showered me with things.
He gave me food, gold chains and gold bracelets, he was also a goldsmith. I ended up sleeping over at his house several times per week and playing with his grandchildren. He used to like to bounce me on his knee with his legs massaging my private parts.

One day my memory recalls, I was about five years old, he braced me up against the wall and caressed my body. As I got older the, sexual abuse, became more intimate.
He would rub my legs whenever I was close. His favorite was the feeling me up in the front seat of his car while driving me to school.

His hand would be under my skirt fingering my private parts. I was sure that people in other cars could see this, sexual abuse, but he said they could not.
This, childhood sexual abuse,  continued for several years until one day he took me behind his shop and took my virginity with his fingers.

I didn’t tell anyone I’m not sure why. I do remember thinking that I loved him so much and wanted to die before he did.

Mr. Clark started getting a reputation for liking little girls and my dad asked me one day if Mr. Clark ever, sexual abused, me, I lied and said he had not.

I’m going to skip a couple of paragraphs, I don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty details here.
I’m going to read to you now my conclusion of this chapter.

Play to Win by collapsing your consciousness

How did I, play to win? Looking back, if I were to collapse my consciousness and become the observer in this experience, I would say that at some subconscious level I knew what we were doing was wrong. I knew that I was being, sexually abused.
I’m not sure why I chose to keep it a secret.

Research shows that children of, childhood sexual abuse, never tell, they become ashamed and feel that they are to blame. I know I have always felt shamed. It took me a very, very, long time to share my story. Writing this book was my way of coming into the light and putting the devil on notice that I will no longer let guilt and shame be a part of my life.

That was my introduction to my book.
Pick up a copy to read the full story.

Playing to Win Using CANI

I have, played to win,  the, sexual abuse, card and, poverty, by concentrating on, CANI. Constant and Never Ending Improvement.
They say that the secret to happiness is always moving towards a goal and that is how I, play to win.

It is wonderful that we’re meeting today in a library because I have always been a reader.
Reading books is how you, play to win!

Tony Robbins is now a billionaire because he made himself read 700 books per year and those books taught him everything he knows.
Pat Riley of the Miami Heat said

“If you’re not growing, you are dying”

Play to win using vibrational frequency

The second way I have, played to win, with the cards I have been dealt was to become conscious of my vibrational frequency.
I learned that later in life before I wrote my first book
“Becoming Conscious, my awakening”

I started understanding my vibrations. You see whenever somebody does something to us, we feel bad and what happens when we feel bad?
We attract more of the same. We always say bad things comes in three’s, that is because you are attracting them to you.
So when you’re in a funk you have to find some way to make yourself feel better, and one of the ways I do that is to always live in gratitude.
Because regardless of what’s going on in your life, there’s always something that you can be grateful for. Breath, sight, food in your fridge, etc.
So, find some gratitude and feel that energy release a positive force that reverses all the bad in your life!

Survivors of, sexual abuse, don’t owe anyone our stories. Here’s why I’m telling mine, MeToo
Click this link to hear a similar story
https://www.latimes.com/opinion/opinion-la/la-oe-warnke-metoo-sexual-violence-20171016-story.html

Genese Vertus Playing to Win 

In 2009 at the age of 33 Genese became CEO and founder of Passion Rescue Mission and reopened the Genecoit Vertus School of Excellence in Francois, Haiti providing tuition free education and serving over 225 students.

Genese How Have you played with the cards you were dealt in Life?
Winning has to less with the cards you have in your hand and more to do with how you play the game.

You have to, play to win.

How did I, play to win? I was born in one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere, which is Haiti.

The goal is to win no matter what seven piece of dominoes or cards you have in your hand.

Kenny Rogers sings a song that says

“You have to know when to Hold and when to Fold”

Three simple things helped me play with my cards.
1. My faith in God
2. Pursuit of an education
3. A strong support system

I was fortunate enough to come to this great country to get an education and in 2009 I returned back to Haiti and reopened a school that my father built. We started with 189
students at that time currently we have 225 students getting a tuition-free education in one of the poorest, mountainous, villages in Haiti, which is Francois Haiti. We provide meals, we provide school supplies we provide uniforms and we have 12 teachers that are employed.

I have a waiting list of over 300 students wanting to get into that school right now; so it’s not enough To, play to win, we must give back. Once you get to where you need to be, you need to
reach back and help your people.
If you need information on making a donation
Please visit www.passionrescuemission.org </a

Jenny Wang Playing to Win 

Jenny is passionate about helping people improve Performance through holistic learning. She is a Professional Certified Coach and a Senior Learning and Program Manager at Nutranext, which is the healthiest employer in the US. Jenny is also a Certified Health Coach and co-author of Bringing Mindfulness to Your Workplace. Jenny and I worked together at Office Depot. She was my mentor at Toastmasters, then she became my Coachee as she worked on finding her purpose. I’m Sure she has found her purpose.

Jenny – I have had some good cards. But there are some cards we cannot choose. We cannot chose our Father we cannot choose our Mother or our relatives.
I was born and raised in China in a very traditional family. I don’t have trauma in my life, my parents are very lovely and educated; but there’s one thing that we never agreed on. When I got married I never thought I wanted children.

I don’t know how many of you are natural parents; but I was not one of them. When I was at 34 years old my father called me from China had a big argument with me. He wanted to have a grandchild. So, How did I, play to win? I chose to honor my father’s request because family is important to me.

Now eight years later, people ask me what was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life? And I say “To have a child” My son has brought me so much joy, so much wonderful
things to my life that I have never ever thought that I would have.

The second card everyone has, but they also cannot chose is
Passion and purpose.

The 3rd card we are dealt is  Health. The most important thing for everybody is good health. I decided to take the journey of being a, Yoga Instructor, and a Health Coach.

I learned we can become happy by changing how we move our bodies. Yoga, encourages us to think about our health.
No matter how busy you are, no matter how much outside achievement you have, by the end of the day you have to take time for yourself.

I hope you enjoyed this presentation both audio and written. Now I need something from you.
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Additional Resources

 

https://blog.myhelps.us/how-to-win-at-the-game-of-life/

 

How to be Confident after a Divorce

Building true,  confidence, after the betrayal of a partner is a gradual process. How to be confident, after a, divorce, is a gradual process. No one is going to turn into a positive, self-confident, person overnight. But if you’re in need of a place to start, here are 6 tips on, how to be confident, after losing your man.

This week on Transform your Mind podcast with Coach Myrna, I interview Confidence mentor Di Ridell. Di is going to talk to us today on the subject “7 Ways to get your, confidence, back after a, divorce, of death of a spouse.”

 

10 Tips on How to Build Confidence:

1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
The worst thing you can do is compare yourself to others. I know from experience that this is a, self-confidence,  killer, especially if you are comparing yourself to someone younger. Remember that you’re only seeing the surface of their lives and looks, not the underlying reality. Focus instead on what’s important–your own strengths and goals.

2. Keep your limiting beliefs at bay.
Even the most successful people with healthy relationships have limiting beliefs about themselves, but the biggest difference is that they choose to focus on their strengths and possibilities instead of their limits.

3. Live in a positive reality.
Don’t say anything about yourself that you don’t want to become a reality. Positive thoughts and words alone won’t make you a more, confident, person, but, confident, people do think a lot of positive things about themselves. Remind yourself of what you’re capable of and what you’ve already accomplished.

4. Don’t mask it.
Self-confidence, isn’t the impression you give others; but how you feel about yourself. It’s all about who you are, where you are, and where you want to be in your own life and relationships.

5. Change what you can.
Confident, people know they cannot change the past, but they can change the future. They make daily choices that lead them toward the future they want to live out.

6. Be fully committed.
Be fully committed to doing whatever you can to build your success every single day, accepting full responsibility for your life. If it gets uncomfortable, you’re probably on the right track! Don’t procrastinate, do what it takes without agonizing or drama.

7. Practice Self Love

8. Take action to get back on the horse. Don’t isolate yourself 

9. Have a Level 5 Friend to share your darkest thoughts

10. Complete yourself and not wait for someone to complete you

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The nature of confidence

You should not allow your, confidence, to be dictated by someone else’s feelings in any facet of your daily life. Your feelings are just as valid as theirs, and you should never allow someone else to sink yours like an anchor, just because you have been through the, divorce, experience.

Your behavior should not be driven by the emotions of anyone, especially your ex-spouse.  They may attempt to reenter the picture for whatever reason, and while that reason may be valid and may need to be dealt with, there is no reason you should allow their thoughts and their feelings to bring you down or shatter any progress you have made in rebuilding your confidence.

You cannot and should not allow yourself to be manipulated in this way. If you sense that the conversation is headed in a direction that you are not comfortable with, it is imperative that you exercise some, self-love, and remove yourself from any narrative that would damage your post-divorce recovery process.

You need to be able to believe in your ability to rebuild your life and move forward. After a, divorce, you may begin to question your ability to make life decisions, but do not let one setback color your perspective and prevent you from making these types of calls.

Whether it is through your job, your friends, your family, or a new relationship, you can make different aspects of your new life matter and move past the negativity of a dysfunctional and unhappy marriage. Your productivity in starting over and taking each step to a new future is something you should be proud of and should give you the, confidence, boost you need to take additional steps.

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Additional Resources

How to Raise your Self-esteem by Erasing Self Doubt

 

How to Manage Compulsive Behaviors

Mindset shifts for relationships

Millions of people suffer from at least one of the, compulsive behaviors, Compulsive shopping, Compulsive eating, Hoarding, Compulsive sexual behavior.

—often, even when the individual wishes they could stop—despite the fact that the act triggers negative outcomes, leads to interpersonal conflicts, or damages mental health.

Listen to full interview here: 

Introduction to Compulsive Behaviors

Common activities that can develop into compulsions include, compulsive  shopping, hoarding, eating, gambling, sex, and exercise. Though some behaviors are easier to over-indulge in than others, in reality, nearly any behavior has the potential of becoming a, compulsive behavior. Some people even talk compulsively, for instance.

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There are also obsessive compulsive disorder, in which a compulsive person performs certain behaviors to relieve underlying anxiety or other negative emotions. A well-known example is a person who checks and rechecks everything—if the stove is turned off, for instance, or if the door is locked.

These behaviors rarely decrease anxiety in the long run; in most cases, they only provide temporary relief. In extreme cases, compulsive behaviors start to take over the person’s work, home, and social life, at the expense of normal activities.

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How are, Compulsive Behaviors, and addictions connected?

Compulsive behaviors, have a genetic effect and are often seen in identical twins. I know 17 year old identical twin girls who came into the foster care system at 4 years old and have had trauma. I attributed their, compulsive behaviors, to genes from their biological parents and environment from their early years in foster care. They started, compulsive behaviors, like stealing  from about 5 years old, as they grew older that transformed into, compulsive shoplifting, then they started running away and couldn’t stop, now they are compulsively, hoarding.

Compulsion behaviors,  often arise after stressful events, trauma, or abuse as we have seen in our study of addictions. When people engage in, compulsive behaviors, they become trapped in a pattern of repetitive actions or senseless thinking from which it can be difficult to break free.

Treatment is often key for overcoming, compulsive behaviors.

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How does normal behavior turn into,  Compulsive Behaviors?

As far as the brain is concerned our rewards are reward important,  so regardless of whether it comes from a chemical or an experience and you know that there’s a
reward and people who indulge in , compulsive behaviors,  like gambling,  eating,  sex, and shopping,  become trapped in the reward system of dopamine.

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Types of, Compulsive Behaviors

Compulsive behaviors come in many forms, all of which can be quite debilitating or even dangerous.

Hoarding, for instance, are those who are unable to part with even the most worthless possessions. Many hoarders find the act of purging so distressful that they live under extremely crowded and potentially harmful conditions.

  • Compulsive shopping,
  • Compulsive eating
  • Over exercising
  • Hoarding
  • Compulsive cleaning

Compulsive Hoarding
Compulsive Hoarding

Compulsive Hoarding,   is a psychiatric disorder which involves the accumulation of personal possessions to the point at which these accumulations interfere with your quality of life to a significant degree. The acquisition of “things” and failure to throw away unneeded objects can result in only mild symptoms of a cluttered home to a home which is too unsanitary for healthy living. At the current time, it’s thought that between two and six percent of the population is living with some degree of hoarding disorder.

  • Compulsively taking selfies and posting on social media
  • Compulsive sexual behavior or sexual addiction

What negative triggers enable, Compulsive Behaviors like, Hoarding.

The brain tricks us into thinking that we need the reward so we perform the, compulsive behavior, to re up the Dopamine
I know that as humans we move towards pleasure and away from pain. In my role as parent with kids who have, compulsive behaviors. These behaviors are cemented because they engage the reward centers of the brain.

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How does one break that reward system for, Compulsive Behaviors?

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Sex Addiction Treatment

Let’s look at compulsive sexual behavior, or sexual addiction. Sexual addiction, is represented by, compulsive behavior,  in commonly available sexual practices, such as

  • Attending strip clubs,
  • Compulsive masturbation,
  • Paying for sex through prostitution,
  • Excessive use of pornography,
  • and repeated engagement in extramarital affairs.

Compulsive sexual behavior, otherwise known as sexual addiction, is an emerging psychiatric disorder that has significant medical and psychiatric consequences. Until recently, very little empirical data existed to explain the biological, psychological, and social risk factors that contribute to this condition. In addition, clinical issues, such as the natural course and best practices on treating sexual addictions, have not been formalized. Despite this absence, the number of patients and communities requesting assistance with this problem remains significant. This article will review the clinical features of compulsive sexual behavior and will summarize the current evidence for psychological and pharmacological treatment.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2945841/

 

Dr Ahia What forms of, Sex Addiction Treatment, would you administer to someone suffering from, compulsive sexual addiction?

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How would you treat a youth that had the compulsion for taking selfies or even shoplifting?

 

Additional Resources for, Compulsive Behaviors

https://blog.myhelps.us/childhood-sexual-trauma-and-addiction/

Drug and Alcohol Treatment for Women with Trauma

https://blog.myhelps.us/call-me-an-addict-child-abuse-statistics-p3/

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/index.html

You’re not imagining it: the rich really are hoarding economic growth

https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/8/8/16112368/piketty-saez-zucman-income-growth-inequality-stagnation-chart

https://www.verywellmind.com/all-about-hoarding-and-connection-to-ocd-2510518#targetText=Pathological%20or%20compulsive%20hoarding%20is,%2C%20flyers%2C%20newspapers%2C%20or%20clothes

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflection 4 Rejection: Surviving My Mothers Abandonment and Abuse

Author Interview, Transform your mind podcast

Author Traci Thomas offers, reflection on her, abandonment by her mother in her book, Reflection 4 Rejection. Traci answers the question “Is child, abandonment, rejection by the natural mother?”  If so how does this rejection affect the child’s self worth and self esteem for the rest of their life.

In her book  “Reflection 4 Rejection ” —Surviving A Mother’s Abandonment And Abuse.” Traci Thomas shares her story and how she got to the other side.

Here is Traci’s story:

On, reflection, I feel that, rejection, by your natural mother, it’s such a unique, unusual, weird, inhumane space to be.   It nonetheless served such a  great purpose in my life, and what I mean by that is the following.  It’s one of those preambles whereas once you have survived this type of, rejection, you pretty much can walk on water, and I mean that literally and figuratively.  It’s one of those scenarios and situations very few people ever experience or understand.  When you suffer from, abandonment, you’re in your own community and it’s isolating; but yet you’re so powerful at the same time.

With that being said once you overcome this, abandonment,  and it is a challenge, it’s a lot to muddle through.  However, once you get through it, and you’re on the other side, there’s nothing you can’t do.  So in my situation, it’s like a head of bipartisan.  I had two scenarios, two lives coexisting at one time.  I had a father who had full custody of me at three years old.  That’s when my natural, mother, and my dad were divorced back in 1968.  I was born in 1965, that was unheard of within the United States.  Very few fathers gained custody of their children or their child, so that in itself is a profound statement.  That also shows you how little fight my natural, mother, put up to keep me.

I do remember one particular time my, mother,  did quote, unquote kidnap me.  She did take me when I got off the school bus when I was in kindergarten, and she took me to Philadelphia and thank God my father and the FBI came and rescued me. But even when she’s so-called put forth some effort, to show that she wanted me, it was still a situation where I was locked up in a room, there were German Shepherds downstairs and the FBI had to come and get me.  She never really exemplified that she wanted me; but that’s okay and that’s what I explained in the book.  It’s perfectly okay, because I define what, abandonment, is.  It’s a supernatural definition.  I actually give you, hind sights, definitions, elaborations and explanations as to what’s going on.  What’s happening, why your natural, mother, abandoned, you.  It took me 50 years to figure it out, which is sad, but at least I figured it out.

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What does, Abandonment Issues, Mean?

Wikipedia says that, abandonment issues, causes Abandoned child Syndrome.

  • Abandoned child syndrome is a proposed behavioral or psychological condition that results primarily from the loss of one or both parents or sexual abuse.
  • Abandonment issues, may stem from  physical (the parent is not present in the child’s life) or emotional (the parent withholds affection, nurturing, or stimulation). The abandoned child syndrome is not recognized as a mental illness.
  • Mothers, who leave their children, or when a parent is alienated from their children by the other parent (after a bitter divorce, DCHS, or foster care), can cause psychological damage to the child. This damage is reversible, but only with appropriate assistance.  Abandoned children may also often suffer physical damage from, rejection, malnutrition, starvation, and abuse.

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I want to comment on something you said that’s a little different from my normal association with, abandonment, you said it took you about 50 years to get to the other side and it was very isolating; but once you got to the other side you felt like you could walk on water.  Which is a very positive spin on, abandonment, because if you were to take a survey of the, child abandonment, community you will find that most kids end up having a lot of self-esteem issues, they don’t think they’re good enough.

When you feel, abandoned, it’s not your imagination.  When you make every effort imaginable to connect or contact your natural mother and every single attempt, every single effort, every single expendable energy that you put forth, the end result is just this repellent. It’s this, rejection, of your natural, mother, not wanting you or your natural, mother, treating you as if you’re a bill collector. Your natural, mother, is literally tolerating you and can’t wait to get you off the phone.  When you’re in a scenario like that again and again, it’s so bizarre.

Podcast interview Questions: Reflection, 4, Rejection

What was your Objective in writing “Reflection 4 Rejection ” —Surviving A Mother’s , Abandonment, And Abuse.?

On, reflection, once you’ve been in a situation where you’ve made every effort and did somersaults, headstands, back-flips,  anything you can think of to connect with your natural mother, and every single attempt is unproductive and counterproductive.  It’s toxic, and it’s unhealthy, because of the way that you feel afterwards.  You literally feel as if you’ve been punched in the stomach with every single attempt to get the love of your, mother.

You’re in tears and you’re shaking, and you have anxiety, and then you go through life thinking that you’ve got to kiss every behind in the universe.  You have this feeling of inadequacy this feeling of I’m not good enough, there’s something wrong with me. That’s why I wrote the book, because I do not want another human being going through five decades of what I went through. That’s why I engineered and composed the book.

My objective in writing the book, is for someone to have an open mind and instead of going through life telling themselves, my own, mother, didn’t want me. Even though that is true, instead they can tell themselves that they have every right and privilege to not want her either.

Power is something you take, nobody gives you power.  You snatch power.

So what I wish to do with this work, with this writing,  is to allow an individual to look at being, abandoned,  in hindsight. Let’s  really look at it and put an autopsy and microscope on, abandonment, for a second.  If you really do this it’s not hard at all, you won’t have to go through all these dog and pony shows and tail spins.   Kissing this one’s tail, and doing back flips for this person, and making your, mother,  love you, trying to buy this person,  begging for love, please love me, please like me.  You don’t have to go through all of those mental gymnastics. It’s not necessary. I’m trying to save somebody 50 years.

Reflection 4 Rejection
Reflection 4 Rejection

Abandonment, from Relationships

Can this scenario be also transferred to people who are, rejected,  period?  I mean because, rejection, and being, abandoned,  are not only synonymous with, mothers, or parents.  Men can reject you, your friends can reject you,  jobs can fire you.  Is this information transferable?

I placed a laser focus on this particular relationship between a  child and a natural, mother.  This ironically is not, rejection,  and if you read the book you’ll totally comprehend what I’m speaking about.  The natural, mother, is not rejecting you, the natural, mother, is rejecting the reminder of neglecting you.  The natural, mother, doesn’t even know you.  How can somebody reject you when they don’t even know you?  That makes absolutely no sense.

I’ve seen that the trauma that it is caused in young  lives and almost every aspect of being , abandoned, or, rejection. So it’s kind of good to tell yourself that your natural, mother, didn’t reject you because she doesn’t know you.  If you actually do believe that I can understand that it is easier to get to the other side.  That’s good, I like that spin.

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What is the main message of your book Reflection for Rejection?

I wrote the book to give some insight to, child abandonment.

What message would you give to that listener of why they should go out and buy the book?

It would be in their best interest even if they don’t get the book, if they just listened to the podcast, because it summarizes the book.  It’s their prerogative if they wish to purchase it or not.  I mean that’s their choice; but with that being said.

Don’t ever allow another person, place or thing to define your self-worth.  Don’t do that. Don’t ever give someone that opportunity or luxury.

I know you talked about your natural mother not  really rejecting you because she didn’t know you; but did you touch on psychologically what was happening to her for her to have that unnatural response to her biological daughter?

Author interview Transform Your Mind Podcast
Author interview Transform Your Mind Podcast

My father, God bless his soul, was extremely intimidating.  He was a very wealthy, powerful, articulate, worldly man. He traveled a lot because he was a computer programmer, so he was extremely I guess very controlling.  So I give my, mother, an inkling of understanding, because he was pretty much a womanizer.

I’m not giving her a full 24-hour pass, but I am giving her an hour pass.  I can’t really give her a full 24-hour pass, because there are, mothers,  who have gone through the same episode and they didn’t react that way.

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Transform your Mind Stitcher
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Are You Angry at your mom for her Abuse and, Abandonment?

  • One of the things that I noticed talking with you Traci is that I see no evidence of PTSD from being, abandoned, by your, mother. Post traumatic stress disorder in teenage girls, usually develops for girls who have been sexually abused, neglected, or abandoned. You said that every time you tried it to communicate with your mom, or tried to make her love you, or tried to form a relationship; you felt like you got punched in the stomach.  At those times were you ever angry?

What’s so interesting is that I got angry at the end.  Like right in the last year. My book goes in chronological order. In the book, I actually highlight the events that have occurred during the last five decades, and what’s so flabbergasting to me is  that I didn’t get angry and livid until the very end.  I wasn’t angry at her, I was angry at me for participating.  I was so livid at myself for wasting so much time, that it took me decades to come down from the humiliation, the frustration,  the hurt, the pain, the disappointment,  the monotony, and the redundancy.

Getting to the other side, puts you in a disposition where you’re at total complete peace. I call it a, mother, transplant because once you realize why she acts the way she does, once that clicks in your brain, a light bulb goes off and you’re free.

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Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
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How did you handle Rejection and Reflection?

When you read the book  you’ll completely understand what’s going on and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your, mother, didn’t reject you, she can’t reject you because she doesn’t know you.

Yes, I understand what you’re saying.  After you become immune to the, rejection, and you get on the other side of, abandonment, when you get to the other side,  you feel empowered like you can walk on water.  Nobody else has the capability of hurting you.

Childhood trauma and, abandonment, affects children  in many ways.

Childhood trauma, #1
1. Addictions – as a child, did your parents have any addiction?
Now we typically think of drugs and alcohol, but there’s also sex addiction.
If your parent was a cheater or watched porn, have an eating addiction, was a hoarder,
spending or gambling, workaholics etc. There’s 11 addictive behaviors.

Childhood trauma, #2

2. Verbal abuse – Did you witness your mom and dad screaming and
yelling at each other? The typical is yelling screaming but
this also includes no verbal alkaloids, no compliments, not hearing I love you
verbally humiliated, or put down, your opinion means nothing, or statements like
“you’ll never amount to anything.” Comments like that.

Childhood trauma, #3

3. Emotional abuse or Neglect – Your parents were not around, being gone for
long periods of time. Research also shows latch key kids let’s say they
came home from school at 3 o’clock and mom if they’re in a single household mom
had to work 9 to 5. That child is alone for two or so hours. There’s anxiety around that.
So that even falls under the neglect believe it or not. While we’re out trying to support our
kids there home alone.

Childhood trauma, #4

4. Physical Abuse, Rape or Molestation – The rape or Molestation could have happened
in or outside of the home. Physical abuse is being beat hit in any way other than
the typical spanking like a quick spank on the butt. Research shows that spanking does nothing to help teach your child anything, so I always say when I do parenting lectures in the schools
we’re supposed to teach our child another way. If you’re beating them or hitting them you’re teaching them to be violent back. We don’t want to do that.

Childhood trauma, #5

5. Abandonment – There’s two types, childhood trauma from, abandonment. Fault and No Fault, abandonment.
Here are three examples of no-fault, abandonment.
• a parent has to go off and serve at war
• a parent happens to die early
• early a parent travels away from the home a lot for work. 20:24

Here is an example of “Fault”, abandonment:
• Divorce and the mom or dad leaves the home
and is supposed to see the children every weekend and is either late or
cancels, does not pick up the child. The dad is spending more time with his new
girlfriend than he is paying attention to you the child.

Childhood trauma, #6

6. Adoption – if you were adopted, part of the foster care system, or you needed to
live with relatives because mom or dad couldn’t take care of you, that even
includes Grandma’s, aunts or uncles. I had a client who signed up with me she
asks “How about if we chose to live with another family because we didn’t
want to go home? I said yes that falls under this category because there was
always yelling and screaming in her household so she didn’t want to go home.

Childhood trauma, #7

7. Personal trauma – This comes from being bullied, feeling different not
fitting in, being a little overweight as a child or like me skinny and gawky.
Many people remember being bullying not part of the sports teams.

https://blog.myhelps.us/confidence/

Childhood trauma, #8

8. Sibling trauma – Your sibling could have been born with a
medical issue where it demanded more of moms and dads time.
Or they could be bullying you, but most often this one applies to if you
perceive your sibling as being the golden child. They were more athletically beautiful
or handsome or intelligent getting better grades and mom or dad gushed over
them versus you. You were always trying to prove yourself and say see I’m
worthwhile too.

Childhood trauma, #9

9. Community trauma – If a parent was incarcerated, if you moved
a lot like military families. In the U.S.A military families move every two to four years.
Growing up in lack, growing up in dangerous neighborhoods, that’s all
family trauma and community trauma.
Today we have active volcanoes, massive fire, floods, hurricanes, mass
Shootings.

https://blog.myhelps.us/whats-your-story-breakthesilence/

Childhood trauma, #10

10. Mental Health – Bipolar, Manic Depression, Hidden personalities.
We have Sociopaths and narcissism is part of community trauma.
Sociopathic means that they have no regard for your emotional feelings, they
act on what they want, when they want without thinking about their partner or
the repercussions.
Two examples of sociopaths are Steve Jobs and Tiger woods.

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Additional Resources 

Uninvolved parenting, sometimes referred to as neglectful parenting, is a style characterized by a lack of responsiveness to a child’s needs. Uninvolved parents make few to no demands of their children and they are often indifferent, dismissive, or even completely neglectful.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-uninvolved-parenting-2794958

Child abuse happens when a parent or care giver of a minor child allows, inflicts or permits physical or sexual abuse or allows a situation where there is a risk of physical injury. Child neglect means a minor child lacks adequate care and is danger of physical or psychological harm.

https://www.divorcesource.com/ds/children/abuse-and-neglect-to-children-in-a-divorce-261.shtml

What is the Connection between Sexual Abuse and Addiction?

child sexual abuse
Child Abuse, and, sexual abuse,  Statistics, show a connection between, child abuse, Mental Health, addiction, and depression.
In her book “Call me an addict, war on Women” By Dr Tra Ahia. shares Kreta’s story of, child abuse, and sexual abuse, that started with her biological mother. I think this is very rare. Kreta said her mother was a sick person. Her, child abuse, was by her mother. Her mother used to make her kids do sexual acts on her boyfriend and her. Her mother and boyfriend also had sex in front of her and her brothers and sisters. This, abuse, started when she was about 4 years old.
Listen to the full interview here:

Kreta’s story of, sexual abuse

Kreta was raped by an older boy around the age of 7.

Kreta’s, child abuse, started when she was only 8 or 9 years old when she started smoking weed, crack and sniffing blow. As she got older when she didn’t have money she would perform sexual acts for coke.

Even though she was a good student in school she started ditching school to sleep with older men and eventually dropped out of school.

She started working for a pimp who continued her, sexual abuse, he beat her all the time and had other men rape her and pie on her. After a string of, sexually abusive, relationships She got pregnant several times while still doing drugs. She had two abortions; but decided to keep her third pregnancy – a baby girl.

She went in and out of rehab several times trying to stay clean but always relapsed.

Kreta’s story ended the saddest of all 3 stories from the book “Call me an Addict, war  Her, strange addiction, was out of control. She got so high one night that she stabbed her baby to death. She got life in prison.

Kreta’s has so many of the, Child Abuse, Statistics, in her story

  • Risk for intimate partner violence
  • Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
  • Illicit drug abuse
  • Smoking & drinking at an early age
  • Depression
  • Suicide attempts

I want to say that Kreta’s mother surprised me; but I have heard, sexual abuse,  stories like this one before. I had a coaching client who told me that her mother stopped having sex with her husband and when she was 4 years old gave her to her husband to have sex with. Tyler Perry tried to bring attention to this, child abuse, and, sexual abuse,  in his movie Madea Family Reunion .

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Here are 5, Statistics, about, sexual abuse, offenders

  1. Ages 12 to 14 are the peak ages for child offenders.
  2. 70 percent of perpetrators have between 1 and 9 victims.
  3. Child abuse,  statistics, show as many as 40 percent of children who are, sexually abused,  are abused by older or more powerful children.
  4. Sex offenses are the crimes least likely to involve strangers as perpetrators. Although a smaller percentage of, sex offenders, are women, the majority are male. Sex offenders, are generally NOT “dirty old men” or strangers lurking in alleys. They are typically not obviously mentally ill or retarded. In fact, sex offenders, are usually well known and trusted by the children they victimize, and frequently are members of the family, including fathers and stepfathers, brothers, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins. There is no clear cut description or profile of a, sex offender. Thus there is no way to recognize a potential, sex offender, and  abuser; and it’s often hard to believe that a trusted individual would be capable of abusing children.
  5. Children who disclose their abuse within one month are at a reduced risk for, depression, or substance abuse and, addiction. Believe your kids when they talk to you and LISTEN. 

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Why, Addiction, and, Depression, are by products of, Child Abuse

Although any type of, addiction, can trigger violence, those most likely to impair judgment, like drug and alcohol, addiction, are most often linked to addiction-related violence. Drug and alcohol use can weaken self-control, it’s not uncommon to see people who are under the influence engaging in behavior they usually wouldn’t if they were sober.

People living with, strange addictions, who commit violent crimes, is usually as a result of intoxication or as a means of obtaining money to finance their habits. According to an article published in Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, more than 75 percent of people who seek treatment for, drug addiction,  report having performed acts of violence, including mugging, physical assault and using a weapon to attack another person.

People who suppress negative feelings like anger or, depression, are more likely to drink or use, drugs, to the point of intoxication and exhibit violent behaviors. If you have Pent-up rage and you are using drugs, you are more likely to act violently because loss of self-control can increase your chances to act on your anger.

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Dr Tra Ahia How does CBT help a, sexual abuse, survivor to love themselves? What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Evidence is growing that cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, including those who have experienced physical, child abuse, and other traumatic events.

Most of the studies that have evaluated Trauma focused-CBT have been well designed. This treatment model represents a synthesis of trauma-sensitive interventions and well-established CBT principles  treatment-outcome studies for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and otherwise traumatized children. The therapy was developed to resolve post traumatic stress disorder, and, depression, and anxiety symptoms, as well as to address underlying distortions about self-blame, safety, the trustworthiness of others, and the world. The treatment also fits, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and other traumatic experiences into a broader context of children’s lives so that their primary identity is not that of a victim.

Child abuse,  statistics, show that CBT therapy allows, sexual abuse, victims to learn self love.

Drug and Alcohol Treatment for Women with Trauma

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Don’t wait until sexual temptation attacks you before you see it as a formidable force which seeks to destroy you. Its insidious tactic is designed to enslave you into sexual sins and keep you locked into erotic desires. How you perceive sexual temptation in your life, determines how well you will overcome its deceitful force, and walk in total victory.

“Naked and Ashamed, the Battle of Sexual Temptation.” is a Christian self-help book that explains what sexual temptation is, and gives you Biblical scriptures on how to control your sexual desires, and unnatural urges.  With chapters such as recognizing the tempter, and rejecting the flesh, you will study strategies on how to recognize situations that tempts you, and learn how to keep your flesh under subjection.

Although we will all be tempted sexually at some time, we can learn from this book on how to refrain from overreacting and falling into sexual bondage. So put on your seatbelt and get ready to be free from all of your unwanted sexual desires and temptations.  Order “Naked and Ashamed, The Battle of Sexual Temptation” today! Written by Sheela Fields, now available on Amazon.

Kindle eBook:
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Paperback:
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Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

Arifah What does, Child abuse, statistics, show about self love?

It shows that if, child abuse, and sexual abuse, victims do the following, They begin to heal.

  • Take your time
  • Recognize that your needs matter
  • Forgive yourself and knowledge of self through therapy
  • Find a support group
  • Learn to practice self-compassion, to rid yourself of shame-based beliefs, such as you are worthless, defective, bad, or unlovable
  • Find time for self care activities (journaling, exercise, mediation, art, hanging out with people that care about you).
  • Gain new experiences (i.e. get involved in the community)

Call me an Addict
Call me an Addict

 

Dr Tra I am curious after listening to 100 stories like the ones you told in your book and from all the data you have collected over your 30 years in this space.  Why do you think fathers and stepfathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and cousins, abuse, little girls?

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I want to comment on one of the, child abuse,  statistics,   the one that says 70% of perpetrators have between 1 to 9 victims.  I remember my,  sexual abuse, It was from a man  who I called grandfather, even though he was no relation.  He used to tell me to bring my friends, and he would do the same thing to them as he did me. In fact he had a reputation of liking little girls.  I never told anyone!

That’s another thing, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, statistics, show,  victims never tell.

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

Here are 5 tips for loving yourself after, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, 

  1. Read Positive affirmations
  2. Heal the mind through the body (ie. Boxing, Running, Martial Arts)
  3. Mindful breathing exercises and meditation (stop, breathe and think app)
  4. Channel your pain into creativity ( i.e.journaling)
  5. Ask for help when you need it

 Conclusion, Child Abuse, and, Sexual Abuse 

Dr Tra, Do you support the, child abuse statistic,  that says that if kids who are experiencing trauma of any kind tells someone who offers support, it has a direct and positive effect on the, sexual abuse and addiction connection?

Totally, when you tell someone what is being done to you, you release the shame of thinking you are to blame. You will also get help to cope with the emotions.  When you stay silent it eats away at you all your life and then you self medicate with, drugs,  and alcohol and your, sexual abuse, continues into your adult relationships.

Additional Resources on,  Child Abuse and Sexual Abuse

Drug and Alcohol Treatment for Women with Trauma

https://blog.myhelps.us/whats-your-story-breakthesilence/

https://blog.myhelps.us/10-ways-childhood-trauma-impact-adults-in-love/

https://www.masterproblems.com/2017/02/what-can-be-done-about-child-abuse.html

When Your Child Can’t Speak

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/subabuse_childmal.pdf

 

 

Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction, PT 2

Personal Growth Podcast

Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction, survivors abuse drugs because it helps them cope with or block out the traumatic memories.

Today on the Transform your mind podcast, we look at Karmen’s story, from the book “Call me an Addict, War on Women” by Dr Tra Ahia.  First, I want to establish a connection between, Childhood sexual trauma and addiction.

Adults abused as children are reportedly 1.5 times more likely to say they used illicit drugs as compared to individuals who were not abused as children. The age of onset for non-experimental drug use with, Childhood sexual trauma  and addiction, survivors is around 14.

Studies indicate that drug abuse is more common than alcohol use in adolescents who have been sexually traumatized and have found a link to, childhood sexual trauma and addiction,

Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction, survivors abuse drugs because it helps them:

  • cope with or block out the traumatic memories.
  • deal with feelings of isolation and loneliness.
  • improve feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.
  • cope with mental health problems such as anxietydepression, and PTSD.

Call me an Addict
Call me an Addict

Karmen’s story of, Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction.

Karmen’s story is a little different from Kelly’s story in that her, childhood sexual abuse and trauma, did not come from her parents. In fact she said her father loved her and took her everywhere with him. But her brother started beating her up because her father loved her more than him. The beatings progressed to, sexual abuse, and then her father’s girlfriend made her eat her “Peach pie.”

Her brother jumped her into a gang and she started breaking into people’s homes, beating them up, robbing them, and selling dope.

She was raped by the gang members at age 14 and started being sexually promiscuous soon after that. She ended up with  2 kids by age 16.

With no money to feed her kids she started taking money from a drug dealer.

He bought her a car, furnished her apartment, and spoiled her and her kids, until he started beating her on the regular and abusing her sexually. Then he started pimping her out. She started getting high every day to cope. She started out using crack and then progressed to heroin.

After spending time in prison for robbery and selling drugs, she became seriously depressed.

She got tired of getting high and tried to commit suicide 4 times. Her story ends with her 5th suicide attempt.

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What lessons can we learn from  Karnen’s story of, Sexual Trauma and Addiction?

We learn that Karmen’s story showcases sibling rivalry and parents who were not aware and allowed her brother to abuse her sexually and physically.

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You mentioned in our first episode that most addicts can’t just go into rehab and in 30 days get clean and never touch drugs again. In reality it is a daily struggle and most times they can’t even stay clean for their kids. In your 30 years as an addiction therapist what is the difference in the ones that made it?

I would say two things Desire to stay clean and and a faulty stop and go mechanism in the brain

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Arifah as a mental health counselor what do you think is the reason youth with, sexual trauma,  resulting medicate with drugs? Is it different from my list above?

Yes most youth use drugs to fit in and gain confidence.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

Dr Tra walk us through how crack cocaine changes the brain.

Crack is a psychological  drug.  Your body thinks you need it; but if you don’t take it, you don’t go into the sweats. You don’t die or even feel pain.

Whereas physiological drugs like opiates, if you don’t take these drugs your body goes into withdrawal and you get pain in your body, you get diarrhea, sweats etc.

When it gets into the body, crack acts upon a midbrain structure called the ventral tegmental area (VTA), where a chemical messenger in the brain called dopamine lives [source: National Institutes of Health]. Crack interferes with dopamine, which is involved in the body’s pleasure response. Dopamine is released by cells of the nervous system during pleasurable activities such as eating or having sex. Once released, dopamine travels across a gap between nerve cells, called a synapse, and binds to a receptor on a neighboring nerve cell (also called a neuron). This sends a signal to that nerve cell. (Dopamine doesn’t actually cause feelings of pleasure but it does influence how pleasure affects the brain, usually by reinforcing a pleasant feeling.) Under normal conditions, once the dopamine sends that signal, it is reabsorbed by the neuron that released it. This reabsorption happens with the help of a protein called the dopamine transporter [source: National Institutes of Health].

Trauma and Crack Addiction
Trauma and Crack Addiction

Crack interrupts this cycle. It attaches to the dopamine transporter, preventing the normal reabsorption process. As dopamine builds up in the synapse, it continues to stimulate the receptor, creating a lingering feeling of exhilaration or euphoria in the user.

Because crack is inhaled as a smoke, it reaches the brain much faster than inhaled powder cocaine. It can get to the brain and create a high within three to five minutes, compared to the 20 to 30 minutes it takes to feel the effects of snorted cocaine. On the downside, the crack cocaine high lasts about 30-60 minutes, while the cocaine high could last one to two hours [source: American Addiction Centers].

https://science.howstuffworks.com/crack.htm

 

I have a personal experience with crack. I was engaged to a guy who was addicted to crack.  I could never forget, on our second date he casually mentioned that he was a crack addict for 20 years and he was now clean.

I had never had experience with anyone addicted to drugs before, so I took his word at face value.

Needless to say, he was not over crack.  I started to do my research and found that crack makes permanent changes to the brain and an addict has to deal with cravings every day.  My boyfriend was no different.  I had a Limousine service and he drove for me.  One night someone was smoking crack in the back of the limousine and that triggered him.  He disappeared for 4 days with the money from the run.  I had to report the limousine stolen.  He did not come back until all the money was finished. He was a binge smoker, as soon as he got paid he would disappear.  He finally spent one year in the, Salvation Army rehab program.  We broke up.  I don’t know if he managed to stay clean.

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In the crack world a lot of women who are addicted to crack become crack whores and prostitute for drugs, Karmen was no different. It is really interesting that the men addicted to crack still abuse the women addicted to crack so this is really a war on women.

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Naked and Ashamed
Naked and Ashamed

Don’t wait until sexual temptation attacks you before you see it as a formidable force which seeks to destroy you. Its insidious tactic is designed to enslave you into sexual sins and keep you locked into erotic desires. How you perceive sexual temptation in your life, determines how well you will overcome its deceitful force, and walk in total victory.

“Naked and Ashamed, the Battle of Sexual Temptation.” is a Christian self-help book that explains what sexual temptation is, and gives you Biblical scriptures on how to control your sexual desires, and unnatural urges.  With chapters such as recognizing the tempter, and rejecting the flesh, you will study strategies on how to recognize situations that tempts you, and learn how to keep your flesh under subjection. Although we will all be tempted sexually at some time, we can learn from this book on how to refrain from overreacting and falling into sexual bondage. So put on your seatbelt and get ready to be free from all of your unwanted sexual desires and temptations.  Order “Naked and Ashamed, The Battle of Sexual Temptation” today! Written by Sheela Fields, now available on Amazon.

Kindle eBook:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07XZB4Q16

Paperback:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578470136

Most children who suffer from, childhood sexual trauma and addiction,  simply fail to recognize, acknowledge, and effectively process this trauma until it manifests in self-destructive ways like self-harm, substance abuse, or the inability to control their emotions.

While both males and females can be affected by, childhood sexual trauma and addiction, the prevalence rate is higher for females. It is estimated that nearly 15 million adolescent girls worldwide have experienced forced sex. According to UNICEF, 

Data from the, Department of Health and Human Services, indicates that almost sixty-thousand children are sexually abused per year in the United States.  This abuse lends itself to, childhood sexual trauma and addiction,  The Department of Justice’s report indicates that 14 percent of all men and 36 percent of all women in prison were abused as children.

 

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Parents you can even rate each task in points.
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Here are some Specific symptoms of, sexual abuse causing, sexual trauma and addiction:
(citation, the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress)

  • Withdrawal and mistrust of adults
  • Suicidal
  • Difficulty relating to others except in sexual or seductive ways
  • Unusual interest in or avoidance of all things sexual or physical
  • Sleep problems, nightmares, fears of going to bed
  • Frequent accidents or self-injurious behaviors
  • Refusal to go to school, or to the doctor, or home
  • Secretiveness or unusual aggressiveness
  • Sexual components to drawings and games
  • Neurotic reactions (obsessions, compulsiveness, phobias)
  • Habit disorders (biting, rocking)
  • Unusual sexual knowledge or behavior
  • Prostitution
  • Forcing sexual acts on other children
  • Extreme  fear of  being touched

 

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Additional Resources, Childhood Sexual Trauma and Addiction

Drug and Alcohol Treatment for Women with Trauma

Protecting your Child from, Sexual Abuse, in your Own Home

https://blog.myhelps.us/whats-your-story-breakthesilence/

https://drugabuse.com/crack/effects-use/#targetText=Crack%20Dependency,can%20become%20dependent%20on%20crack.

Side Effects of Crack Cocaine

The fleeting high from smoking crack can be outweighed by a host of negative effects. Though these can vary as widely as the positive effects listed above, commonly reported side effects include:

  • Irritability.
  • Anxiety.
  • Headache.
  • Depression.
  • Aggressive, paranoid behavior.
  • Abdominal pain.
  • Sudden death due to heart attack or stroke.