Just as, beautiful flowers, can emerge from compost, our minds have the power to transform negative emotions and thoughts into positivity. However, the first step towards this transformation is recognizing and acknowledging the, mental garbage, that exists within us. Depression, anger, jealousy, unforgiveness, and greed are all examples of this, mental garbage. When we hold onto these, negative emotions, they can strangle the vibrancy of our thoughts and hinder our, personal growth.
Coach Myrna emphasizes that we can recognize our, mental garbage, by how it makes us feel. Garbage is stinky and dirty, and when our minds are filled with negative thoughts and emotions, people respond to us in the same way they respond to garbage. Therefore, it is crucial to identify and acknowledge these, negative emotions, as the first step towards transformation.
Cultivating the Soil: Creating a Fertile Ground for Beautiful Flowers
Just as a gardener tends to the soil to nurture plant growth, we can cultivate our minds through mindfulness and self-reflection. By embracing practices such as meditation, mindfulness exercises, and journaling, we create a fertile ground for, beautiful flowers, to take root. This mental composting lays the foundation for, personal growth, resilience, and emotional well-being.
Coach Myrna compares cultivating the soil of our minds to giving it sunshine, water, and nutrients. We need to replace, negative thoughts, with positive ones, just as we replace weeds with, beautiful flowers, in a garden. Depression cannot flourish in the presence of gratitude, so by transforming our, negative thoughts, with positive ones, we create a fertile ground for positivity to grow.
The Alchemy of Forgiveness: Turning Weight into Flowers
Unforgiveness is a heavy burden that weighs us down and acts as dense material in the compost of our minds. However, through the alchemy of forgiveness, we can transform this weight into the flowers of compassion and liberation. Forgiving others and ourselves can be a catalyst for personal metamorphosis.
Coach Myrna uses the metaphor of alchemy, the transformation of lead into gold, to illustrate the power of forgiveness. Just as alchemy turns something undesirable into something valuable, forgiveness can turn the weight of unforgiveness into compassion and liberation. By letting go of grudges and resentments, we create space for, personal growth, and the blooming of our true selves.
Seeds of Gratitude: Nurturing the Garden of Positivity
Gratitude is like planting seeds in the fertile soil of our minds. By nurturing our minds with gratitude, we can create a garden flourishing with positivity. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude and appreciating the small joys of life can lead to a radiant landscape of resilience and joy.
Coach Myrna emphasizes the importance of being grateful for even the smallest things in life. From the breath we take, to the food we eat, there is always something to be grateful for. By planting seeds of gratitude, we overshadow the, mental garbage, and allow the, beautiful flowers, of positivity to bloom. Gratitude becomes the water that nourishes our garden, allowing it to flourish with joy and resilience.
Trimming Negativity: Creating Space for Self-Confidence and Contentment
Just as a skilled gardener prunes away unwanted branches and weeds, we can trim the negativity of jealousy, envy, and other negative thoughts. By consciously choosing to focus on our own growth rather than comparing ourselves to others, we make space for the, beautiful flowers, of self-confidence and contentment.
Coach Myrna encourages us to recognize these, negative emotions, and consciously choose to let them go. By pruning away these thoughts, we create space for self-confidence and contentment to flourish. Instead of being consumed by jealousy and envy, we can focus on our own, personal growth, and celebrate the successes of others.
The dance between the discarded and the beautiful, the transformation of, mental garbage, into, beautiful flowers, is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. By embracing the process of self-cultivation and tending to the garden within, we can witness the extraordinary growth that is possible. As we acknowledge and transform our, mental garbage, we create a landscape adorned with the colors of positivity, resilience, and enduring beauty.
In conclusion, our minds have the power to, transform negative emotions, and thoughts into something beautiful, just like nature transforms compost into, beautiful flowers. By recognizing and acknowledging our, mental garbage, cultivating the soil of our minds through mindfulness and self-reflection, embracing the alchemy of forgiveness, nurturing gratitude, and trimming negativity, we can create a garden flourishing with positivity, resilience, and joy. So let us tend to the garden within and watch as the once overlooked weeds metamorphose into vibrant blossoms of personal evolution.
Chapters:
0:00
Introduction to the topic of transforming mental garbage into flowers
1:02
Recognizing the negative emotions as mental garbage
2:17
Cultivating the soil of the mind through mindfulness and self-reflection
3:45
The alchemy of forgiveness and its transformative power
5:12
Planting the seeds of gratitude to nurture positivity
6:30
Trimming the weeds of jealousy and envy to focus on personal growth
8:00
Conclusion and embracing the process of self-cultivation
9:20
Encouragement to subscribe, leave a review, and thanks for tuning in
Does your unhappiness have a purpose? Does your negativity change anything? The answer is no, so why do we choose it?
I just finished reading the book The Power of The Now by Eckhart Tolle and he made the statement that we chose unhappiness even though it serves no purpose. He asked the does your unhappiness change anything?
The book the Course in Miracles states that we believe that when we are unhappy our unhappiness buys us what we want. Not true in fact it pushes what you want further away.
Take a child who has conscious parents. Let’s say the child decides to throw a temper tantrum because they want to watch TV or they want a toy or candy. Any good parent will not give it to them, in fact if my kids threw a tantrum or cried for anything, they never got that thing. Just recently my foster daughter cried because she wanted to watch TV and she thought crying and carrying on would get her TV instead the TV was removed from her room. So, if crying and unhappiness did not get us what we wanted as children, why do you still use it as adults?
All negativity is resistance. Negativity ranges from irritation to fierce anger.
The ego believes that through negativity, it can change reality and get what it wants. It believes that through unhappiness it can attract a desirable condition or dissolve an undesirable one.
If your mind did not believe that unhappiness works, then why would it create it?
The fact is that negativity does not work; instead of attracting a desirable condition, it stops it from arising. Instead of resolving an undesirable one it keeps if in place.
Its only useful function of negativity, is that it strengthens the ego and that is why the ego loves it.
What is the ego? The ego is that portion of the human personality which is experienced as the “self” or “I” and is in contact with the external world through perception.
No other life form on the planet knows negativity, only humans. Just as no other life form poisons the earth that sustains it. Have you ever seen 2 ducks fight? They fight and then go their separate ways and then flap their wings to release the negativity and they are done. Humans carry around that negativity for decades. He did that to me! This negativity becomes, depression.
There is a line in the Matrix that says that Humans destroy their environment or land and then moves on the next place. What are you destroying with your unhappiness?
Think about it. Has nagging your spouse ever resulted in him becoming the spouse that you want them to be or did it have the opposite effect? That is why the Bible teaches that a man would rather live on the roof top than live in a house with a nagging wife.
So today, I want to shine a light on unhappiness. Why do we create it if it does not get us what we want?
These are the options in, how to be happy. What good does it we do none of the these things, but just live with unhappiness? If you can successfully find which negative behavioral and cognitive patterns are making you unhappy, and address them, you’ll be able to start feeling happier in less time than you may think.
I will tell you what it does. It creates disease in the body and sends you to an early grave, but it never gets you what you want. Unhappiness serves no purpose other than to make you sick.
Even if you throw a temper tantrum and you get the toy in the store or your spouse gives in. Ultimately your unhappiness returns. It is only temporarily satiated.
Conclusion
Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna.
Loneliness has been linked to higher blood pressure and depression, and an increased risk of dementia and Alzheimer's disease. We are meant to share our lives with people. It is nature so when we are alone and lonely, Nature has a way of trying to fill the void.
God also promises to give you back a double portion of what you have lost so the first thing you need to do to escape the snares of loneliness is to speak to the atmosphere. Decree and declare that God will fill the void in your life with a double portion of what is missing.
Because we are not designed to be lonely and alone, sometimes we prefer to live in conflict than live alone in an empty house. I have heard so many men including my own father say that when their wife’s left them they couldn’t stand the empty house and they begged her to come back. An empty house, a house void of kids or just the presence of another could lead to depression.
The reason that empty nesters find something to do when the kids leave the house is that they are trying to fill the void in their homes and heart.
You can’t use sex to fill the void of not being enough.
Don’t let anyone use you to fill their void. Do not become the substitute to fill anyone’s void. Not only will you be lonely again when they dump you but you will also feel used and abused.
To escape the snares of loneliness you have to be connected to a worshiper or connected to support. If your home is empty, you need someone to talk to on the phone, you need the community of worshippers at your church to escape the snares of Loneliness. Late in the midnight hour when you can’t sleep you need someone you can call who will listen. You need connection to God and man.
You need someone to pull you into something new. You need to find someone or something to hold onto someone to hold you up. Someone you can borrow their strength until God turns it around. Because a fresh anointing is coming your way.
Here are 5 ways to escape the snares of Loneliness
Take up a new hobby
Volunteer at your local church, hospital, food bank etc.
Get into books and live vicariously through the stories
Go to the movies or go out dancing. You can even learn to dance by joining a dance class.
Get or borrow a dog. Dogs are man’s best friend and you can never be lonely with a dog around. If you’re a dog lover, but don’t have the space, time or money to have your own, then ‘dog borrowing’ might be just the thing for you. Maybe a friend or neighbor has a dog they’d like to get a walk and some company during the day while they are at work. That’s what we call a win win situation.
Loneliness is a real. If you find yourself with the void of human company, I hope I gave you some tips to escape the snares of loneliness. The flip side of loneliness is enjoying your own company and being okay with being alone. So, people are introverts and truly enjoy their own company.
Conclusion
Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna
Neuroscientists think of the, mind, as an epiphenomenon of the, brain. In other words, it's a function of the, brain. Just like urine is a function of the kidneys, or bile is a function of the gallbladder. I think that the, mind, is a function of the whole body because all of these cells work together. We have never been able to locate the mind or consciousness in the brain.
Dr. Thomas R. Verny is a clinical psychiatrist and the author of eight books, including The Secret Life of the Unborn Child, which was published in 27 countries and 47 scientific papers. He has previously taught at Harvard University, the University of Toronto, York University (Toronto), and St. Mary’s University
His book “The Embodied Mind” is a profoundly important synthesis revealing how cells utilize consciousness to not only manifest their life functions but more importantly, to create a distributed nervous system that coordinates and supports life-sustaining behavior in multicellular communities, such as those comprising the human body.
Myrna: How did your work with the, embodied mind, start?
Dr Verny: I wrote a paper on everything that I knew about, prenatal life. And there was a huge conference in Rome, Italy, the Fifth World Congress and psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynecology, and I submitted a paper and lo and behold, I mean luck sometimes is really important in life. My paper was accepted. I was like a totally unknown young psychiatrist from Toronto. It was put on the same morning as some of the biggest lights in psychosomatic obstetrics in the world we're presenting their papers.
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The Secret life of the unborn child
I was right up there with all the luminaries, and I got 20 minutes to speak. I noticed within 10 minutes into my talk, that there was tremendous interest in the audience about what my topic “The Secret Life of the Unborn Child.” You could just feel electricity in the air. And so, I said at the end of my lecture, I said, well, if anybody here would like to continue the conversation, please come to my room at five o'clock.
And at five o'clock, huge numbers of people were lined up. They thought that I was promoting some new ways of looking at, prenatal life. That's when I made up my mind to write the book, which then became two years later, The Secret Life of the Unborn Child. We were taught in school that's impossible to remember when you were in the womb, your nervous system is not mature enough to be working in the womb. I wrote the book, and it is based on very solid research that shows that from six months after, conception, the nervous system is mature enough to be able to lay down some, pretty simple, primitive memories, and there's lots of research to back that up.
I could prove this; the evidence was solid was scientific. That children from the age of six months after, conception, would be able to remember things that happened to them in the womb. I had this patient who was able to go back further in time, back to three months after, conception, and some people even carry information from their parents’ experiences. Big traumas, like drowning or being in a war or things like that. So, I asked myself, how is this possible? How can I show this to be scientifically true? Because I was not interested in a lot of stories, I was interested in science.
The book The Secret Life of the unborn child was published in 1982, that's a long time ago. So, seven years ago, I came across information on the, embodied mind. It's ridiculous to think of the, brain, as kind of separate from the body and not being connected to the rest of the body. And so, what I've come to see is that the cells in the body, the tissues, the organs, like the heart, especially, but also the guts. They all act as kind of a backup system to the, brain. And so, when something goes wrong with the, brain. We still have our backup system just like the iCloud.
Myrna: I think I'm getting where you're going with this now. Go ahead.
Dr Verny: So, when something goes wrong with the, brain, the backup system comes online, right. What neurologists say we're sort of your orthodox conservative. Biologist neuroscientists will say that other systems in the, brain, take up the slack. But there is no research to prove that at all. There's no evidence to show that. In my book, The Embodied Mind, I bring up a lot of research evidence to show that the cells in the cells in the body are really not much different from neurons in the, brain. And so, they have, all the elements that the neurons in the, brain, have, except that they're connected a little bit differently.
We have stressed the importance of the, brain, over the importance of the rest of the body. It also goes with our culture, which is very patriarchal, and hierarchical. And as a result of that, the emphasis is always underneath the head honcho supervisor.
Myrna: How did you get them to access that memory? Did you use, hypnosis?
Dr Verny: I have used, hypnosis, once in a while. Never really terribly successful. People did that all on their own without any help from me? In a sense, some kind of a memory would come up, something would trigger that memory. It would it was not instituted by me. Sometimes people you know, after the, Secret Life of the Unborn Child, was published, sometimes people would come to me and asked me to take them there. And I would do that, again, in a very sort of non-directive fashion. I would say things like, what is the first memory that you have in your life?
What your earliest memory can you go back to the womb?
Myrna: My earliest memory was at five years old. I don't go back any further than that. I don't think.
Dr Verny: You probably could. Some of your listeners can try asking 2.5- to 4-year-old kids if they remember being in the womb. Don’t ask any leading questions. Just what do you remember? What was it like?
Myrna: And that's amazing. My grandson is almost 2 years old. I can’t wait to ask him. What I think what I'm hearing you say it is that it's a backup for your main brain. So how does that work?
Dr Verny: The, gut, has been referred to as the second brain and there's good things good reason for that. The, gut, has got a tremendous number of neurons in it. And it creates some very important substances such as, serotonin, for example, which is very important in terms of in terms of how you feel. People with, depression, for example, are supposed to have less, serotonin. And one of the reasons that they are depressed is because they lack, serotonin. Most people don't realize that most of the, serotonin, in the body is actually produced in the dark.
The vagus nerve has 2-way communication to the brain
So, we have the, vagus nerve, which is that ends cranial nerves. Then we have 12 nerves coming out of our, brain. And number 10 the, vagus nerve, is the most important one because it goes to the heart and from the heart, it also goes to the, gut.
Myrna: I try to simulate the, vegas nerve, every day when I do my meditation.
Dr Verny: Think of the, vagus nerve, as sort of from the, embodied brain, to the heart from the heart to the, gut, but you hardly ever also the steps the other way, you know, traffic along the route from the duct to the heart to the to the, brain. So, but then again, you know, we have the bad circulation, and the blood is in contact with all the cells in our bodies. So, when we talk about the second brain, it's really inaccurate, because it's just another organ in the body that stimulates the, brain, and the rest of the body.
I like to I will give you a metaphor that perhaps best describes how I sort of picture the body working. I think it's a very large orchestra, like let's say, you know, the New York symphony. Let's say more than 120 musicians, one conductor. So, each musician plays an instrument and most of the instruments are different. But the person sitting in the audience does not hear 120 instruments. A person in the audience hears one sound one sound emanating from the symphony. That's how our memories are. That's how our, brain, works. But instead of having 120 instruments, we have 120 billion.
Myrna: Deepak Chopra and a few other scientists, says that the, mind, is not in the, brain. Let's talk about that for a minute, where is the mind?
Dr Verny: Where's the mind? Yeah. Yes, again, conservative academic, neuroscientists think of the, mind, as an epiphenomenon of the, brain. In other words, it's a function of the, brain. Just like urine is a function of the kidneys, or bile is a function of the gallbladder, right? Any normal person if they think about this analogy, they can see that it's a mistaken analogy, because the, mind, is not like urine. You know, you can't see it. You can’t measure it, quantify it, you can’t research on it. It's like beauty, or love. You cannot quantify it. It's a whole different phenomenon.
So, to say that the, mind, is a function of the brain doesn't make sense. I think that the, mind, is a function of the whole body because all of these cells work together. We have never been able to locate the mind or consciousness in the brain. There are some very interesting studies of Near-Death Experiences. Perhaps you have heard of those.
Myrna: Yeah, I read a few plus interviewed several on the show.
Dr Verny: So, very often you will have people who will have died, even for all intensive purposes. I actually experienced that with a patient when I was working in a hospital and, his heart stopped beating. I put a vial of adrenaline directly into the heart. About two minutes later, he came back, so to speak, and then he described in great detail what had happened in the room.
Myrna: Apparently, you're supposed to have left your body and you're watching it all. Someplace up here, right.
Dr Verny: Exactly, there is no explanation except to say that the, mind, is definitely not dependent on the body, but independent of it. The mind may very well be one of those elements of the universe like gravity or electrical charges, which have always been here and kind of borrowed from it in some way. You know, we have a tiny bit of that, embodied mind, that exists out there. And it's so certainly, you know, is connected to the body, but it also in some ways is independent of the body.
Book: The Embodied Mind
The embodied mind
And so, that's the reason I called my book “The embodied Mind”, because it's not just the skull mind. Okay? It's not just in the, brain, not just in the head, it’s in the old total body, and who knows what happens after we die. It may persist and who knows?
Myrna: I'm reading your work and I see that you also kind of like equated the mind to the matrix. You're in this alternate universe where, things are happening in the matrix. So, let's say that, someone is listening to this conversation. So, we've got the brain and we've got the body. We've got a backup system. So how can they use this information to transform their lives?
Dr Verny: I think that's a very good question. There are many answers to that question. One of them is that the, mind, is incredibly powerful. And we just don't appreciate how important the, mind, is. Let me let me just give you a very simple example. There was a study done, it's mentioned in my book by a Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer. And it's a very simple study, and it's just so beautiful. She studied hotel maids in New York, and she divided them into two groups of 41. One group, she said that the work that they do, actually follows and lives up to the Surgeon General's recommendations for daily exercise. There work was like exercise, like some people go to the gym, but you work, it's the same thing.
The other group was told something quite different. At the end of at the end of 30 days, they measured all kinds of measurements on these maids. They found that the group that believed that they were exercising lost weight, they decreased waist to hip ratio, and they had a 10% drop in blood pressure. And they did nothing different from the other group. They only believed that they exercising. Now the same thing you know, happens in placebos. You can tell someone that this pill is going to take your headaches away. And it does, you know, nine times out of 10.
What you believe in your mind you create in your body
Myrna: Yeah, and as a psychiatrist, you also know the fact that belief is so important. Now someone coming in sitting on your couch and believes something, regardless of if it's true or not, that's how their body and their, mind, and their world is going to respond.
Dr Verny: Right, in terms of practical advice, it's very important for people to change their attitude towards their own bodies and towards themselves. You know, there are, unfortunately, a lot of people around with low self-esteem. There are a lot of people around who have been criticized as children. I just saw a patient yesterday. You know, and he was always very enthusiastic.
And sometimes he would if the teacher would ask a question, he would speak out without putting up his hand and we would be punished for that. Instead of a good teacher would say, Yeah, okay, that's very good. But perhaps next time you could put up your hands. Instead of that, you know, he was put down so now you know, even when he goes shopping, he's afraid that somebody might ask him a question. He might not be able to come up with the right answer. I mean, he's just full of anxieties.
Myrna: Wow, such a simple thing like that has a far-reaching consequences.
Dr Verny: My advice is, be honest. Look in the mirror and look at yourself. And if you find that there are certain things you don't like about yourself, well face that and make it better, improve it. Don't go around trying to cover up That's not the way to do it. Get it out of your system. Find out why you think that you are not beautiful or that you are not clever or whatever your negative beliefs are. Get rid of them. Talk to your friends, ask them why they like you. And, and you will be you will be astonished what they say.
Myrna: Yeah, because you never see your strengths yourself.
Dr Verny: So when you get that kind of a feedback, then perhaps you can start believing in it. And if you believe in it, well then you will become it.
Dr Verny: Will they can pick up my book on Amazon. My website is www.TRVernyMD.com. It's a very rich book because I read above 5000 books and journals in preparation for that book. And it has actually 500 references in the back of the book scientific references. So, it has a tremendous amount of information in there and at the end of each chapter, you have, practical sort of takeaways.
But I think the most important feature is just to develop a respect for your, mind, and how powerful it is and how it can influence every particle, every cell in your body, how you think about yourself, is very important. And also, you know, interacting with other people. touching other people is very important. You know, the hug a day keeps the doctor away, as far as I'm concerned.
So, I think those things are really important and, and to realize how important also the, gut bacteria, are because every day we are learning more and more about the importance of the, gut bacteria, for example, just one more thing. People take antidepressants when they're depressed. 1/3 of patients do not benefit from antidepressants. The reason they don't benefit is there's nothing wrong with the drugs. They're pretty good drugs, actually, but some people have bacteria in their gut which destroy those particular antidepressants, and so they don't work.
Child Abuse, and, sexual abuse, Statistics, show a connection between, child abuse, Mental Health, addiction, and depression.
In her book “Call me an addict, war on Women” By Dr Tra Ahia. shares Kreta's story of, child abuse, and sexual abuse, that started with her biological mother. I think this is very rare. Kreta said her mother was a sick person. Her, child abuse, was by her mother. Her mother used to make her kids do sexual acts on her boyfriend and her. Her mother and boyfriend also had sex in front of her and her brothers and sisters. This, abuse, started when she was about 4 years old.
Listen to the full interview here:
Kreta's story of, sexual abuse
Kreta was raped by an older boy around the age of 7.
Kreta's, child abuse, started when she was only 8 or 9 years old when she started smoking weed, crack and sniffing blow. As she got older when she didn't have money, she would perform sexual acts for coke.
Even though she was a good student in school she started ditching school to sleep with older men and eventually dropped out of school.
She started working for a pimp who continued her, sexual abuse, he beat her all the time and had other men rape her and pie on her. After a string of, sexually abusive, relationships She got pregnant several times while still doing drugs. She had two abortions; but decided to keep her third pregnancy – a baby girl.
She went in and out of rehab several times trying to stay clean but always relapsed.
Kreta's story ended the saddest of all 3 stories from the book “Call me an Addict, war Her, strange addiction, was out of control. She got so high one night that she stabbed her baby to death. She got life in prison.
Child Abuse Statistics
Risk for intimate partner violence
Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
Illicit drug abuse
Smoking & drinking at an early age
Depression
Suicide attempts
I want to say that Kreta's mother surprised me; but I have heard, sexual abuse, stories like this one before. I had a coaching client who told me that her mother stopped having sex with her husband and when she was 4 years old gave her to her husband to have sex with. Tyler Perry tried to bring attention to this, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, in his movie Madea Family Reunion .
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70 percent of perpetrators have between 1 and 9 victims.
Child abuse, statistics, show as many as 40 percent of children who are, sexually abused, are abused by older or more powerful children.
Sex offenses are the crimes least likely to involve strangers as perpetrators. Although a smaller percentage of, sex offenders, are women, the majority are male. Sex offenders, are generally NOT “dirty old men” or strangers lurking in alleys. They are typically not obviously mentally ill or retarded. In fact, sex offenders, are usually well known and trusted by the children they victimize, and frequently are members of the family, including fathers and stepfathers, brothers, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins. There is no clear-cut description or profile of a, sex offender. Thus, there is no way to recognize a potential, sex offender, and abuser; and it's often hard to believe that a trusted individual would be capable of abusing children.
Children who disclose their abuse within one month are at a reduced risk for, depression, or substance abuse and, addiction. Believe your kids when they talk to you and LISTEN.
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Why, Addiction and Depression are by products of Child Abuse
Although any type of, addiction, can trigger violence, those most likely to impair judgment, like drug and alcohol, addiction, are most often linked to addiction-related violence. Drug and alcohol use can weaken self-control, it’s not uncommon to see people who are under the influence engaging in behavior they usually wouldn’t if they were sober.
People living with, strange addictions, who commit violent crimes, is usually as a result of intoxication or as a means of obtaining money to finance their habits. According to an article published in Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, more than 75 percent of people who seek treatment for, drug addiction, report having performed acts of violence, including mugging, physical assault and using a weapon to attack another person.
People who suppress negative feelings like anger or, depression, are more likely to drink or use, drugs, to the point of intoxication and exhibit violent behaviors. If you have Pent-up rage and you are using drugs, you are more likely to act violently because loss of self-control can increase your chances to act on your anger.
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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help sexual abuse survivors
Dr Tra Ahia How does CBT help , sexual abuse survivors, to love themselves? What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Evidence is growing that, cognitive-behavioral therapy, (CBT) is an effective treatment for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, including those who have experienced physical, child abuse, and other traumatic events.
Most of the studies that have evaluated Trauma focused-CBT have been well designed. This treatment model represents a synthesis of trauma-sensitive interventions and well-established CBT principles treatment-outcome studies for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and otherwise traumatized children. The therapy was developed to resolve, post-traumatic stress disorder, and, depression, and anxiety symptoms, as well as to address underlying distortions about self-blame, safety, the trustworthiness of others, and the world. The treatment also fits, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and other traumatic experiences into a broader context of children's lives so that their primary identity is not that of a victim.
Child abuse, statistics, show that CBT therapy allows, sexual abuse, victims to learn self-love.
Don’t wait until sexual temptation attacks you before you see it as a formidable force which seeks to destroy you. Its insidious tactic is designed to enslave you into sexual sins and keep you locked into erotic desires. How you perceive sexual temptation in your life, determines how well you will overcome its deceitful force, and walk in total victory.
“Naked and Ashamed, the Battle of Sexual Temptation.” is a Christian self-help book that explains what sexual temptation is, and gives you Biblical scriptures on how to control your sexual desires, and unnatural urges. With chapters such as recognizing the tempter, and rejecting the flesh, you will study strategies on how to recognize situations that tempts you, and learn how to keep your flesh under subjection.
Although we will all be tempted sexually at some time, we can learn from this book on how to refrain from overreacting and falling into sexual bondage. So put on your seatbelt and get ready to be free from all of your unwanted sexual desires and temptations. Order “Naked and Ashamed, The Battle of Sexual Temptation” today! Written by Sheela Fields, now available on Amazon.
Dr Tra I am curious after listening to 100 stories like the ones you told in your book and from all the data you have collected over your 30 years in this space. Why do you think fathers and stepfathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and cousins, abuse, little girls?
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I want to comment on one of the, child abuse, statistics, the one that says 70% of perpetrators have between 1 to 9 victims. I remember my, sexual abuse, It was from a man who I called grandfather, even though he was no relation. He used to tell me to bring my friends, and he would do the same thing to them as he did me. In fact he had a reputation of liking little girls. I never told anyone!
That’s another thing, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, statistics, show, victims never tell.
Here are 5 tips for loving yourself after, child abuse, and, sexual abuse,
Read Positive affirmations
Heal the mind through the body (ie. Boxing, Running, Martial Arts)
Mindful breathing exercises and meditation (stop, breathe and think app)
Channel your pain into creativity ( i.e.journaling)
Ask for help when you need it
Conclusion, Child Abuse, and, Sexual Abuse
Dr Tra, Do you support the, child abuse statistic, that says that if kids who are experiencing trauma of any kind tells someone who offers support, it has a direct and positive effect on the, sexual abuse and addiction connection?
Totally, when you tell someone what is being done to you, you release the shame of thinking you are to blame. You will also get help to cope with the emotions. When you stay silent it eats away at you all your life and then you self-medicate with, drugs, and alcohol and your, sexual abuse, continues into your adult relationships.
Additional Resources on Child Abuse and Sexual Abuse
In 1 Peter 5:8, Peter gave a firm warning about the, devil: “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the, devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Peter says that, Satan, wants to devour and destroy you, just like a roaring and hungry lion.
If the, devil, can discourage you, then he can destroy you. So, you have to guard your heart. Don’t let, disappointment, enter in. Disappointment, is also called, hopelessness, and what does the bible say about people without hope. They perish.
The other thing is, disappointment, usually leads to, depression, and then, anger, follows.
We can feel the, negative emotions, or we can try to block them by doing something.
We can avoid painful, emotions, by reading a book, shopping, cooking, eating, watching a movie, drinking, smoking, drugs etc.
But it is best to feel these, emotions, try to feel it in your body. Feel which part of your body is feeling the pain. Is it in your stomach, is it in your chest?
Stop and feel, negative emotions, for at least one minute before you try to self-medicate.
Then ask the question what am I feeling?
Is it jealousy?
Is it rejection?
Most times, negative feelings, manifest as, depression. Depression, is a surface emotion that is linked to childhood, adolescent and sibling experience. A person depressed is like a boat on a sea that is being tossed about by every wave or wind that comes along.
Anger, normally accompanies, depression. Anger, is more than an emotion. It is the registration of more than one thousand energy fields. It happens when the world does not perform as we expect it to.
Whenever you feel, anger, jealousy, or, depression, try to feel the emotion for a few seconds before you react to it. The more often you apply consciousness to your, negative emotions, the less they will show up.
I want to point out that lack of self-worth is most often the root of all emotional pain. It does not matter how much you have achieved or accomplished; it has no correlation to the outside world. It is the experience of insecurity.
Your emotions are like street lights, they turn on in the dark. That is your dark thoughts.
This is the plot of the, devil; he wants you to believe all is hopeless that is why he, seeks and destroys. People who are depressed feel all is hopeless that is why depressed people commit suicide.
Discouragement, takes out the heart. So beat off, discouragement, and, depression, with everything you got. Try to replace those, negative feelings, with feelings of love and peace. For example, Think of the birth of your children, your happy moments, a beautiful scene you experienced etc. One of my favorite sayings is “good memories can save your life” from the movie the Punisher. I will share some of my happy places with you.
My husband and I were on a cruise and one night we sat and stared at the full moon for some time. We were in the middle of a dark ocean and the full moon was reflecting on the water. It was a beautiful and serene experience and I recall it often, because it made me feel connected to God.
My other scene I recall often was on my honeymoon. We went to a beach in the Bahamas. We were the only one on the beach, the water was rough and the winds were strong and I had the most amazing feelings of peace and tranquility. I could go on about my memories of the birth of my children but you get the picture.
So, you see we all have memories to replace those, negative emotions. If you can’t remember your memories, take out your old albums. We are hard wired to only focus and remember the bad things someone said to us, the bad things someone did to us or what someone didn’t do that we expected them to do. That is why you are depressed and discouraged and let the, devil, in, so you must turn it around.
If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.
Thanks for tuning into this week’s episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna. I hope you were inspired to replace depressive thoughts and, negative emotions, with good memories.
Dr Fred Moss, psychiatrist, shares why he thinks that, psychiatric medications, is like cutting off your arm if you have a mosquito bite. In this podcast we discuss using your, true voice, to reclaim your, mental health, and why actively doing one of the creative 8 activities like creating music, dancing, singing, drama, cooking, writing, gardening, and photography can remove the need for, psychiatric medications.
Dr. Fred Moss, MD is the foremost expert on delivering your True Voice into the world so that it can heal because your voice matters. Your voice can heal. Dr. Fred has been actively practicing in the, mental health, field internationally for over 40 years, and as a, psychiatrist, has been an unwavering stand for the transformation of, mindset. He is a firm believer that conversation, communication, creativity, and human connection are ultimately at the source of all healing of all conditions in all fields.
Along with being a highly successful restorative/transformational coach, his signature technology, True Voice Podcasting is for people who are ready to take their lives back by speaking their authentic message into the world. TVP is designed to guide people from all walks of life, who are ready to rediscover the confidence and courage necessary to bring their full and real humanity back into all areas of their life.
Communication is a mental health tool
Fr Fred: I was born to be a communicator. I was trying to bring healing and joy to the world. My family was in a fair amount of disarray. I had two brothers 10 and 14 years older than me, I still have two brothers 10 and 14 years older than me and, I learned a lot from them about, communication. One day as a young adult my said well, you have to get a job now, and told me that so she got me an application.
I applied and got the job. I started working with adolescent boys at a state hospital, a state, mental health, facility. I was finally getting paid to communicate. And that's all I was doing. I was communicating with these wonderful human beings who were now living in a in a state hospital and we were healing each other's, communication.
It was really fun and really a great job. We got to take field trips and play softball and all the cool stuff that I did with these kids. The thing I didn't like, was the way, psychiatry, was treating these kids. We would call the, psychiatrist, and say Jimmy is up too late or Timmy and Tommy got in a fight.
And he would come down and after three seconds of talking to the kid and maybe six seconds talking to us, he takes out his weapon, his pen. And he would write something in the chart. And then we'd have to go get Timmy and Tommy and hold them down while we injected them full of very high-powered sedatives to put them out of their misery and for the next 12 or 24 hours and if Timmy or Tommy didn't say another word for 24 hours, we would call that a success.
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Now, that's still happening in all the state hospitals around this country and mostly around the world too. We've not grown past that; it's still going on. I made it my business to become a, psychiatrist, at that point. I was going to become a, psychiatrist, and bring, communication, back because that I knew that, communication, healed. So took in a big inhale and 13 years later, I graduated from the University of Northwestern University as a as a, psychiatrist, and did my residency in Cincinnati and started being a, psychiatrist.
But in the meantime, Prozac, had been introduced to the world. Prozac, was a medication that changed the whole paradigm of, psychiatry, Biological Psychiatry, chemical imbalance.
Myrna: what's the difference between a, psychiatrist, and a psychologist?
Dr Fred: A, psychiatrist, prescribes medicine, but that's actually the last thing I wanted to do as a, psychiatrist. But now it was my typecast and it was what I was doing. Yeah, for the next 30 something years, I wrote over 100,000 medication prescriptions. I saw over 40,000 patients who call me their doctor. And it was very difficult because every time I wrote a prescription, my heart would wrench just a little or my soul would sacrifice it sometimes, not just a little sometimes later, in 2006, I finally decided that I could no longer do that.
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I started taking my patients of psychiatric medications
It was 15 years after I started. I started taking people off their diagnosis and taking them off their, psychiatric medications, and seeing how they did. Now I know that sounds kind of radical. It's kind of interesting that we're more concerned about taking people off of medicine than giving it to them.
Myrna: It's the society, right? It's life. Why did you become radical?
Dr Fred: I was radical. I took away stuff that was making them worse until they got better. Then I started becoming a healer. I call it my, true voice, moment. When I really started becoming a healer, I was no longer just a doctor, but a healer. And I began communicating with all my patients a little bit more and a little bit more. Until I really knew that I was back to being little Freddie who was pretty sure that, communication, and connection was the point here on Earth.
And over the last 15 years since 2006, I've really been just edging myself forward to being a stand for, communication, and connection and my practice has evolved over time, I've done work all over the world. A lot of, telepsychiatry, and a lot of utilization review, and I've been in every single corner of American, psychiatry, usually as a leader and really attempting sometimes without much success to inject, communication, as the core source of all healing.
Telepsychiatry, a subset of telemedicine, can involve providing a range of services including, psychiatric, evaluations, therapy (individual therapy, group therapy, family therapy), patient education and medication management. Telepsychiatry, can involve direct interaction between a psychiatrist and the patient.
Eventually I set up Welcome to humanity.
Welcome to humanity is my brand name. That's where you'll find me is the www.welcometohumanity.net that's what my main website is and it's self-explanatory. It just says all of the experiences that we're having as humans are to be embraced, including the ones that are miserable and painful. Now I'm actually a restorative transformational coach, and I'm a podcast teacher and I'm an expert speaker and a podcast guest. I have my own podcast and I am so finely aligned with who I really came here to be again after 50 years of trying out some other stuff.
Myrna: Well, that's amazing. Number one that you felt that you knew that you wanted to communicate, in kindergarten, I guess because you had older brothers. So why did your mom get you a job in the, mental health, field? Did you do some work with, mental health, in college?
Starting in the mental health field was coincidence
Dr Fred: You know, it was easy enough to get a job in the, mental health, field. My mom was already a social worker. She didn't quite give me the job. She got me an application at Fairlawn Center, which was a state, mental health, facility, a civil service job.
Myrna: Well, that's amazing because that's usually how if you're able to be on purpose, that's how God directs you. Okay, the second question that I have here is, so when you decided to take your patients off of, psychiatric medications, and you said it taught them to communicate. Are you saying that let's say that someone is on, Prozac, because, Prozac, settles them down. Are you saying that if people really heard them and listened to them, they won’t need these, psychiatric medications? Where are you coming from with that?
Dr Fred: That's an important question. So, the first thing I want to say to all the listeners is if you have found something that works and it has to do with, psychiatric medications, and your diagnosis, by all means, please don't switch. Okay. I mean, we've got something that's really working, I'm not telling you to switch. So, let's make that really clear. This is for people who really know that they're not living their ultimate optimal life.
Prozac controls your emotions by stopping feelings
When I took my patients off their, Prozac, or the medications like that, what would happen is they would find themselves again coming in touch with their own feelings, coming in touch with their own emotions in ways that have been muted over the years. When they got in touch with themselves, we could learn that they didn't even have a diagnosis in the first place and in many cases the, psychiatric medications, and the treatment were really perpetuating the actual symptoms they were marketed to treat.
So, you know, that when you start really looking at that, and we pull people off of their diagnosis, because now I can't just pull people off their, psychiatric medications, the medicine is not the problem. It's the idea that we all think there's something wrong with us. And then we get confirmation that there's something wrong with us and then we need so called, psychiatric medications. The truth is, there's nothing wrong with you, you're making it through the world like any of us and you're just as confused. At times are fearful and other times anxious or depressed.
You make mistakes, you hurt people or something, that's called being human. You know, people are like, oh, no, I have a diagnosis. It's interesting a, psychiatrist, can't get paid unless he gives you a diagnosis. Right? If he writes no diagnosis, he won't get paid. So, there's a major incentive to diagnose every single person who comes into their office number one.
Number two, it's also the only field in all medicine where if you come into the office thinking there, there might be something wrong with you and the doctor says that there's nothing wrong with you. Then you get upset. If you had gone to the heart doctor, and he says you're okay, would you get mad at him?
Psychiatrists write prescriptions to control diagnoses
Dr Fred: When we get a diagnosis, it helps us relinquish responsibility for the parts of our life that we don't like. But if we can blame that on, ADHD, or, social phobia, or, post-traumatic stress disorder, or, major depression, or, bipolar disorder, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, narcissistic personalities, etc. The experiences you're having in life isn't like get over it. No, I'm not saying that. What I am saying is embrace it as part of being you and this human condition. And don't think of it as a deficiency or a sickness.
Myrna: I understand people like to feel good. And these conditions don't make you feel good. I don't know about, ADHD, but all the other ones you don't feel good. So, you want some kind of beta blocker or something to block the symptoms if you're not feeling good. It's not what you say these, medications, do. But I wanted to get to the point where you're saying that they can talk it out.
Dr Fred: Well, inside of, communication, what we really are talking about therapy. Therapy also presumes that there's something wrong with a patient. Okay? Well, what this is really about is connection. So, it isn't really about just talking it out. It's about connecting with another person at whatever level that takes resonating with another person or with your experience.
Myrna: Can they connect that way to their psychiatrists, or we're just telling them to talk to anybody to connect with anybody?
Dr Fred: The deal with, psychiatry, is that there's a power gradient, there's this idea that the, psychiatrist, is okay and you're not, right. That's actually not true. We're both not okay. When we look across the table at each other and see our actual humanity, that's where healing starts. When there is a gradient, psychiatry, if you're a patient down there, this perpetuates an ongoing experience of there being something wrong with the patient.
Myrna: Okay, so that's actually good, because if you walk into the room thinking that there's something wrong with you and you need help that’s is what you expect. Tell us about healing through creativity and self-expression and the, creative mindset.
Dr Fred: One of the things is that none of us really seek out being uncomfortable. We're looking to be comfortable. However, we are so addicted to this idea of comfort being normal we think being uncomfortable is abnormal. The truth is, being uncomfortable is totally normal. This is a really crazy world out there. And not only that humanity is an uncomfortable experience. What I noticed in when writing the book, The Creative 8 Mindset, was that when we're creating our, mindset, shifts.
When we are creating music, dancing, singing, drama, cooking, writing, gardening, these are all things that when we're creating, they really work to decrease that negative symptomology. While we're doing any of those creative things, the negative experiences dissolve and disappear. So, with the, creativity, this is different than if you're listening to music, I want you to be making music. It's different than if you're at an art museum, or looking at a beautiful piece of art. I want you to actually be making art. It's just like if you're watching Dancing with the Stars, or if you're actually dancing.
So, the, creative 8 mindset, reminds us that we are here to be creators. So, I invite people to really do that creative eight, exercise which is finding three of those things, art, music, dancing, singing, drama, cooking, writing, and gardening and doing them each day even for just one minute. And really noticing how positive experiences can evolve simply by becoming creative.
Now ultimately, there was a couple more I added on photography and cleaning. And then there's the trump card if you will, and the trump card is to help anybody do anything. When we're helping other people do things, it's also an amazing experience of having our own concern about ourselves disappear as we become service oriented. And that's just another way to use the, creative 8 mindset, to our benefit.
Myrna: How does finding our, true voice, connect to the, creative 8, mindset?
Dr Fred: If you're already on medicine, it's actually really hard to do that. Because medicine can really stifle and smother creativity. The, psychopharmacological medications, do not expand the, creativity, in any way shape. The, psychiatric medications, often perpetuates a condition to remind you treat and it isn't a matter of you do get to come off medicine, it's a matter of that's a good way to manage your life. If you want to come off medicine, the best way to go for that it's going to be to start connecting with people.
Right now, you know, still help others still be creative, still be loving and still be accepting and compassionate and friendly and kind and all those things. Can you do that even in the face of a world that's looking like it's spiraling out of control?
Myrna: So how does using your voice help, mental illness?
Dr Fred: I don't know anything else that's gonna help with, mental illness, except using our voice actually. And the truth is, we think that taking medicine is going to help and really in the end, once you're diagnosed with whatever condition you have, and you're started on, psychiatric medications, the medication is frequently designed or at least, achieves the goal of perpetuating a symptom of market intention.
So, you're on that, psychiatric medication, for good. Very few people come off, psychiatric medications, when you first start medicine, you think if it's not going to work, well just stop it, but it's not really true. It's not going to work, we're going to change it or we're going to increase it or we're going to add another medicine. Doctors are not even trained not to take you off, psychiatric medications. And when I started taking people off medicine people were like, you’re doing what?
Myrna: I'm sure your patients were happy with that.
Dr Fred: Well, some of them were scared, because they knew that people get sick again. They're like, I don't want to come off. Here's the other thing, these, psychiatric medications, are built so that when you do come off of them, at least for a short period of time, you get an actual spike of the symptoms that were there in the beginning. And it has you thinking that you have returned, but in fact, it's not you that returned. It's a function of coming off of these medicines. They're built that way.
Myrna: So how does your, true voice, help you with, mental illness? One of the things that, Prozac, does is, is keep you calm, right? Can using your, true voice, keep you calm?
Using psychiatric medications is like cutting off your arm because of a mosquito bite
Dr Fred: That's not what I'm saying. Let’s say you are a mosquito bite doctor and I had a really bad mosquito bite on my on my elbow. For three weeks I've been trying to get rid of it. It gets bigger, it's painful. It wakes me up at night itching, itching, and I finally decide I'm gonna go to a mosquito bite specialist. So, I find you in the yellow pages, and I go into your office and you're like, Yeah, I've seen something like this before, and we can cure it. Oh, good. That's why it came to you. You know, it's only going to hurt for a minute you tell me. Okay, let's do it. We're going to cut off your arm at the shoulder.
Myrna: Oh, wow. That's drastic.
Dr Fred: If we say okay, and then you've cut off my arm. Then the next time I come to see you, when we look for that mosquito bite on that elbow, it won't be there.
Myrna; No, because you don't have an arm.
Dr Fred: If all I'm looking at is do is cure the mosquito bite then cutting off your arm at the shoulder was a cure for that mosquito bite.
That what, psychiatric medications, do. It totally wipes you out. It blunts you out. And it's not just, Prozac. These, psychiatric medications, do a lot more than just fix the mosquito bite, by taking away your capacity to have proper feelings, it feels like it's curing you, but it's not really curing you. It's taking away your capacity to have proper feelings, including that one.
Myrna: Wow, what a powerful visual you presented. I get it.
Dr: Fred: And that's what we're really talking about here. Now, again, to our listeners. If you have been going far and wide and it found a combination of, psychiatric medications, that works for you and your, mental health, improves considerably, stick with it. By the way, I don't use the phrase, mental illness, anymore. I don't think there is such a thing as, mental illness.
There's definitely such thing as mental discomfort, mental misery, mental pain, for sure. But illness suggests that you're sick and I don't think that you're sick, you're only experiencing an unpleasant part of life. Now when we started looking at that, then in, true voice, actually voicing your real self, it's amazing how healing can happen immediately.
I chose, podcasting, to be the avenue for that because you can say your, true voice, right here on a podcast. It's one of the last remaining spaces on the planet where you can actually say your, true voice. You can't do it on social media, obviously, you can't do it. You know, in most cases, you can't go to like a concert and do it. You can't have an auditorium full of people to speak your, true voice, anymore. So, your, true voice, is being taken away from you.
True voice, is a way when you resonate with another person and truly, honestly authentically connect with another person. It's amazing what that does instantly for your, mental health. Even if you haven't connected with anyone in a long time when you do connect. It's amazing what healing takes place way better than any, psychiatric medications, I've ever written. And like I said, I've written prescriptions for over 100,000, psychiatric medications.
True Voice podcasting contributes to your mental health
Myrna: Well, explain it a little bit. What happens when they come on your podcast and talk about their, true voice?
Dr Fred: The, true voice, podcasting is not a podcast, it's actually a course that I teach so that people who want to express their, true voice, will learn that they can do that best through, podcasting. We spend the first half of the course of a 13-week course really honing on people to get in touch and rediscovering their, true voice, authenticity. And in that authenticity, really exploring what they love.
In your case, you've got, mindset, somewhere along the line, mindset, became part of your, true voice. When you start doing it, you can wake up every single day like who am I going to talk to you today about, mindset. And there's something that drives you forward inside of your commitment to learning more and to teach you more about, mindset.
So other people they're gonna come up with whatever they come up with. Maybe some of them will come up with really big ones like, climate change or racism or sex trafficking, and maybe others will come up with seemingly smaller ones like petunias in Arkansas or something.
It's fine, whatever. Your Podcast theme is. We then walk you through your authenticity into a world of a maximum podcast creation and production. I have a couple of teammates who co-lead with me and we take people from zero to podcaster in three months, and then dive in really learn how this method works if you go to www.findyourtruevoicebook.com And you go in there and then I will send you a copy of the book for free. If you go to www.welcometohumanity.net you will find information about my true voice podcasting course. Check out my book: The Creative 8 on Amazon
Spiritual healing, for couples helps them to unblock their, chakras, by moving the energy away. And once they move the energy away, they're lighter, and then they can go on to have, healthy relationships.
My guest today is Brianna Colette, Brianna is an, intuitive, relationship healer and, soulmate medium, who helps guide her clients to connect with their inner self in order to focus more on a higher sense of, self love, as a means to grow stronger connections and relationships. Thus ultimately leading them to finding and experiencing the most preeminent of bonds: soulmate love.
Brianna is an, intuitive, relationship healer and, soulmate medium, who helps guide her clients connect with their inner self in order to focus more on a higher sense of, self love, as a means to grow stronger connections and relationships. Thus ultimately leading them to finding and experiencing the most preeminent of bonds: soulmate love. She is NLP Certified, a Karuna Reiki Master, and a certified Sound Healer Practitioner who really has a way of connecting with people.
Examining her clients' old belief systems allows Brianna to focus on any client’s possible wounds from childhood, inherited family dynamics, or fear surrounding vulnerability. Once Brianna examines their past, she helps her clients make peace with old wounds and break free from any self-sabotaging toxic patterns, guiding them on how to release fear and create the right conditions for a higher frequency of love.
Myrna: What was your journey to becoming an, intuitive, relationship healer?
Brianna: Thank you for that beautiful introduction, by the way, like, of course I live in this work every day and to hear someone else put it so beautifully and poetically into such a fabulous intro was like, very humbling. I'm like, yeah. So thank you, that was great. Well, as you can imagine, um, you know, I was not always in this work, like most people, like most of my clients, I wasn't given this template.
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I wasn't given this handbook for having a really healthy, dynamic relationship, I had to go through the bumps and the bruises and the mistakes, and really try to heal myself. I have a really interesting story, as most people do, who kind of step into the, healing intuitive, work. I witnessed a really violent murder. It was a murder of a family member. They were my next door neighbors. And I say I was there at the right place at the right time, because I was able to save some people's lives that night.
It was one of those things that you can't prepare for to become a, spiritual healer. It's one of those things that is a life altering event and changes who you are as a person. As you can imagine, after witnessing something like that, I struggled with, PTSD. I struggled with, depression, and, suicidal thoughts. That experience really tested all of my, coping mechanisms.
Taking a vacation to try to relieve stress or even, going out with girlfriends for some dinner and drinks. Those types of things no longer worked for me anymore. And so as I felt my, mental health, starting to degrade, I started to feel like I was slipping. It is the best way I can kind of describe your, mental health, when you don't know that it's happening.
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I did a lot of traditional Western versions of therapy which is what led me into all these different modalities that I now am certified in and offer to other people. I immediately felt the shift within, I started to not only have a logical understanding of why things were happening, or how things from my past were affecting me, presently, I started to really embody that change, and I started to feel better my, spiritual healing, had started.
And so through that process of, spiritual healing, as you can imagine, the things that used to hold an attraction for me, my old business, my old life held no interest. I felt a calling into, spiritual healing, and, intuitive, work. I surrendered into it and have been guided and led to help others to heal themselves and to really get to a place of, inner peace, and contentment and connection within, relationships.
Myrna: That's awesome. I guess that takes me down the path of the, Karuna Reiki master. How did you stumble onto that? You said you went to Western therapies. Did you actually have a, reiki, session and loved it or are you just graduated towards that?
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Brianna: I was at rock bottom, I was grasping at anything. If someone suggested it, I was like, sure, I'll try acupuncture. Sure, I'll try EMDR, I was really willing and open to anything on that journey, and I knew somebody who practiced, Reiki, and I had sessions with her. And of course, it was a different kind of, spiritual healing, that I had experienced. I mean, I've been going to traditional talk therapy since I was nine years old.
I was looking for something a little bit different and I had a lot of my, trauma, and a lot of the things that I've been holding on to for a really long time. Reiki, really helped me to break through. And so of course, I was like, I, when I healed myself, it was a good place, I have to learn how to do this.
What exactly is, Reiki?
Myrna: Reiki, is a Japanese holistic practice of connecting your, chakras, and using energy work. It's energy healing, And a lot of people who are familiar with depression, would say depression hurts. There's obviously a physical manifestation in the body of when our emotions cause us pain. We've all felt anxiety, those knots in our stomach, or fear in our chest where we can't breathe, so there's a physical, physiological response to emotional pain.
What, Reiki, does is a way of connecting into the emotional connection within the body, each of our, chakra, and throughout our entire physical body hold onto memories, they hold on to experiences, we hold it in our bodies. And so, Reiki, helps us to get rid kind of these emotions that are painful, and helps us to release them. The physical reality of having, Reiki, done on you is you really feel lighter afterwards, emotions not weighing on you so heavy.
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Myrna: I do, chakra meditation, myself so I'm very aware of, chakras. But one of the things that most stands out to me when I learn about the, chakra system, is that they're seeing that if you've got a blockage in your, chakra, that's where disease starts. So when you do the, Reiki healing, do you move the blocked energy? Or are you just dealing with emotions?
Brianna: They're all connected. Okay. And if you think about it, right, from a scientific standpoint, we're cells that are vibrating, right? We're all just energy bouncing around. And when we, feel at peace, you kind of feel really grounded and in alignment. When you feel stressed or worried about something you kind of feel off, right? You feel off balance, you don't feel like you're the highest version of yourself.
When we have energetic blockages energy is stuck in the, chakras, which are our energy computer. Energy stuck in your, root chakra, usually deals shows up as fear, or it can it show up in your solar plexus, as creativity. So each, chakra, has different pinpoints or different foundational bases.
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When we do have a blockage and one of those, chakras, it usually is related to something on an emotional level, because we are emotional, human beings that have that need for connection. And so usually, yes, you can relate back a blockage to an emotional issue that's happening in your life.
Myrna: So blocked energy starts as emotional, and then disease follows. All right. So I understand. I had a few interviews on the show about, Reiki, and of course, almost all my guests talked about the, chakras. So you have migrated your specialty to, you call it a, soulmate medium, which is what I love. But also what you're doing is you're helping people heal from their childhood wounds that are actually physically manifesting in their bodies.
Brianna: For me, personally, I was really searching all the time for love. And I was really putting myself in, unhealthy relationships, when the murder happened. A few weeks later I was dumped by my then boyfriend, I was having a really hard go of it. completion, I was searching for solace, or love and happiness everywhere else outside of myself as well as, spiritual healing. And through that process of, spiritual healing, I started to realize what it is that I need to look at within myself.
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I was able to heal myself and transmute the, trauma, and step into this place of like, oh, so this is what it takes to get here. This is what I needed to heal to be able to experience this. And I just felt really passionate that Like, I wish that someone had explained this to me, or shown me how to heal this because I spent so much, so many broken hearts, so much energy, so much time trying to figure it out. And so that's what really called me into this kind of work.
Myrna: Alright, so that explains why you became a, soulmate medium. But what I was talking about is still connecting the, chakras, to past wounds. I loved your statement,
We are healed from the scars and not the wounds.
So you help them to unblock their, chakras, by moving the energy away. And once they move the energy away, they're lighter, and then they can go on to have, healthy relationships.
Healing Childhood wounds
Brianna: It's like we kind of, we have the ability to create whatever it is that we want in life. But unfortunately, a lot of our blocks are limitations that we perceive. And for me, my, my work is about asking what are the templates that you received in childhood? What was normalized for you in relationships? Did you grow up in a household where yelling at each other was something that was just normal, right? Or did you grow up in a household where being emotionally distant was something that was just you know, status quo?
Did you grow up in a home as a child, where you took on the responsibility of worrying about everybody else, except for yourself? Because there was chaos, you know, so these types of foundational experiences when we're young shape our belief systems, about the kind of relationships that we're having into adulthood. And for me, and in my personal experience, and experience with so many clients, when we can heal and unlock the things that are maybe not so healthy, or are limiting us and our belief systems or behaviors, we can unlock and heal and really learn?
Oh, this is actually the better way to show up. Oh, this is actually what's healthier for me. These are the types of partners that actually give me what I'm looking for versus recreating the same like, you know, what is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again. This is how we change the dynamics of our life in our, relationship.
What is a soulmate medium
Alright, so now this is my question that I wanted to ask, soulmate medium? Also what is the definition of a, soulmate?
Brianna: A lot of people don't even aren't familiar with what the term, medium means. Oftentimes, what people perceive when they hear the word, medium, they think, psychic. That is not completely different psychics and, mediums, are not the same thing. A medium is somebody who is a channel, I have the ability and have learned how to channel, intuition.
We all have that kind of like inner knowingness that's called clear sentient, where you can feel things . And that's what, intuition, is. So obviously a, medium, can feel things and experience things on various levels, whether you can like hear the you can hear you can receive messages. For me personally, the way that I work with clients when I say, soulmate medium, is I can help to intuitively connect into what they are feeling.
I can help people to see the blind spots. Sometimes we insulate ourselves from the truth. Sometimes we might be in denial about things. Sometimes there's a cognitive, right, we've isolated ourselves because it's too painful to deal with the brain is really intelligent that way, it compartmentalizes things and we can't even see ourselves clearly.
So what I say is in terms of a, soulmate medium, I can intuitively tap into what is really going on underneath the surface that we need to heal. We need to connect into to elevate and upgrade out of so that you can experience this higher frequency this higher soulmate energy of love. And I do a lot of work explaining to people what even a, soulmate, is. But ultimately, being able to connect into getting people out of behaviors that are there, they're settling, or they are caught in patterns of dysfunction, which is the antithesis of what a, soulmate, is.
Spiritual healing from past trauma
All right. So I'm listening very intently. So what I got out of that is that someone comes to you broken because of past trauma, past relationships, you're able to intuitively help them to see there to see what the dysfunction is. And then once they are operating, that's the full throttle for a different word, then you they will be able to attract their, soulmate. Is that correct?
Brianna: Oftentimes with clients, I see a lot of my unhealed broken parts are attracted to your unhealed broken parts, you know, and that's where we get a lot of compounding happening, right? We attract what we are. And so I help clients to leave behind that old version of where they're playing small, where we're accepting less than we deserve, where we are making excuses for other people's bad behavior or, unhealthy relationship, dynamics.
Let's upgrade out of that. Let's start operating in this place of like, integrity with how you treat yourself self respect, self love, because everything comes from from within us, right? So if you're, if you're able to feel really aligned with yourself, know you what you deserve, know what you should be receiving, you're going to attract someone who's also done that kind of work.
Finding your soulmate
Your, soulmate, will be operating at the same frequency because you're like, oh, yeah, I want to be able to trust somebody to and I've worked through my own, trauma, I'm not going to put up with someone else's raggedy BS, you know, like, you want a partner that meets you at where you're at. And so if we can leave behind those old behaviors and belief systems, then we will attract our, soulmate.
I work with anybody who is desiring to fix whatever kind of, relationship, they're in, whether that's heteronormative, whether that's, homosexual, like anything under the sun, if you have a desire to fix, and heal and upgrade the way that you're showing up in your, relationships. You're my kind of person. I oftentimes and one of the things I'm really good at is helping single people who are or people out of divorce or out of a relationship who are having a hard time letting go. I help couples to heal, spiritual healing.
Relationship reset
That's what, relationship reset, is the, spiritual healing, program that I am working with right now. It's designed for people in relationships who are committed they know that this is a person that they want to have a future with and and work things out; but are feeling maybe there's blocks in their communication.
There's things that are kind of bubbling to the surface after kind of the honeymoon phase wears off, where you're mirroring some unhealthy dynamics back and forth to each other and just get to a place of being able to show up. Within in that relationship feeling really supported and aligned and really clear about what your future feels like together, they need, spiritual healing.
Myrna: Let's talk about, relationship reset, spiritual healing, for couples to find how they are showing up, what their blockages are? You know you people say they're great baggage from relationships. Tell us about your coaching program, how can listeners connect with you and sign up for your coaching program?
Conclusion
Absolutely. So, the, relationship reset, right now is a group coaching program, where I am taking people through these foundations of, you know, these really important baseline. I believe, characteristics of what is involved in a healthy dynamic and a healthy relationship like decide whether that's intimacy, whether that's trust, whether that's healthy communication, and helping each of them pull back the layers to see where maybe that they've got some stuff from the path that is preventing them from having really effective communication or, you know, feeling safe to really open up the path of intimacy.
It's a retreat program where I will go over the the fundamentals the foundations and then there's also one on one time with me to be able to go a little bit deeper for, spiritual healing.
So to go check out and learn all about my different offerings, whether it's, relationship reset, whether it's my other programs that are downloadable you go to my www.Briannacolette.com that has all the information on all the ways you can connect with me. My Instagram handle is @briannacollect. I welcome any anybody who's looking for more information or feels like this resonates happy to jump on a call.
Kushal Choksi, 911 survivor, shares his story of surviving the collapse of the, World Trade Center, and then asking the universe why he survived. What was his, purpose, when he stumbled onto, Sky Breath meditation, and, breathwork, as a healing modality from, trauma; he realized that he had found his purpose.
Kushal's new book “On a Wing and A Prayer” tells his story.
Kushal’s thriving career as an analyst at Goldman Sachs was forever changed on September 11, 2001 as he made a split-moment decision to abandon his office and the co-workers who refused to leave the World Trade Center. Managing to narrowly escape, he witnessed the magnitude of death and destruction up close and was plunged into lengthy depression where he found himself believing life was meaningless.
His search for a renewed, purpose, began with a reluctant trip to a, breathwork, workshop and eventually turned into a decades-long journey of spiritual discovery, mind-blowing metaphysical experiences, and a fierce devotion to the life-altering benefits of mindfulness and meditation.
Today, Kushal and his wife run Elements Truffles, a New York-based artisanal chocolate company built on values of Ayurveda, sustainability, giving back and ethical trade. Kushal is a trainer of personal development, meditation, wellness, and leadership programs for the Art of Living Foundation. He has taught secrets of breathwork and meditation to thousands across the US, Europe, and Asia. And he serves on the US board of the International Association for Human Values (IAHV).
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Myrna: How did surviving, 911, on, September 11, change your life? How did that tragedy make you more receptive to a new spiritual path of, mindfulness, breathwork, and, meditation?
Kushal: Great question. I think, you know, as I recall, the day started as any other day where I was on my way to work. And as I was coming out of the, the subway, in the bowels of the, world trade center, that's when the pandemonium broke around me and I froze. In that moment, I didn't know how to process all that. People were just running around, saying things that they understood, or they perceived, someone was saying a bomb had gone off.
Nobody really knew what was happening. Only one thing was evident, there was a fear, there was massive fear in the atmosphere. That's all I really remember that it was unsafe to be outside. I stepped out and as I was looking at the building, trying to process what had just happened, another plane crashed into the South Tower. Of course, in that moment, it became clear that this was a more deliberate action.
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And what followed after that, people jumping in front of me, just to end it willfully, or the first responders going in, almost walking into their own end, you know, and it was all kind of very unexpected and very difficult to process. It felt like a scene from an apocalypse movie that you can almost imagine, but you never think you would be part of it, or you would be living it. And as I was running away from it, the second tower just collapsed. And by a stroke of luck, I had just jumped on a ferry on the other end of the island that was leaving Manhattan.
I ended up being the last person on the last ferry that left the island that day. At that moment, I realized that I turned into a statistic, that I was now a, 911 survivor. And, you know, that day kind of prepared me and laid a foundation for what was to come in my life. Part of me was feeling very grateful, very happy that I had, I made it out alive, and I survived these horrific attacks.
So, there was an enthusiasm to finish the unfinished business. I used to work on Wall Street now, that American dream that I have come to pursue as an immigrant, I had to go out and create a new dream. An event like this was a wakeup call to find, purpose in life. It was something that shook me up from my reverie and made me ask a bigger question. What is my, purpose in life?
This was a life changing event, I talked to many people and I say maybe, 911, was an event for me, but I feel everyone has their own, 911. Whether they were when their world crashed. It was that day 20 years ago before a pandemic like what we've just been through?
Myrna: Yes, we all we all walk away from something. So, you weren't at work yet when the planes crashed into the, world trade center? You were just coming out of the subway. Obviously, it wasn't your time. Were you running late for work? Were you supposed to be at work on time?
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Kushal: No, the security person was asking us to go back in the building. Because, if you stepped outside, just on the other side of that glass door, it was raining cement chips, that insulation from the wall that glass splinters, embers from the sky, it was like really unsafe. And so, he was asking people to stay inside, but in that moment, I decided to step out and go. A voice from behind me tap on my shoulder and say, Just go. And so yeah, that was my clothes in the dryer moment, because the building collapsed a few minutes later.
The aftermath of 911
After, September 11, I think I can paint a broad brush and what I had was, depression. I think, depression, follows lack of interest, but for me, it was it was exactly the opposite. I was feeling so grateful that I had a second lease on life. That I felt I had to go after whatever was unfinished with even more gusto. I have tremendous force of life in me. It's just that I began questioning the, purpose of life, what's really the point of this life. I was I was doing well in my career. I got married to my soulmate but what was my, purpose in life?
So, I wouldn't really call it depression, but it was just, sometimes you are on autopilot. You're on a conveyor belt, and you were just going with the force of life and then something hits you with a club in your head and makes you question is this conveyor belt right for you? That was the first time I questioned my, purpose in life.
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Myrna: All right, you found your, purpose, by going to a, breathwork, workshop and, breathwork, meditation, and that started your decades long journey in spiritual discovery. So why do you feel that proper breathing was so important to healing trauma? I don't know if you felt that you were traumatized from that, but if we don't want to use the word, trauma, why do you think that, breathwork, is so important to healing?
Kushal: I must confess that in the spirit of being very open and honest, that I did not go to that, breathwork, meditation, looking for, purpose. I was almost pushed into it against all my reluctance.
And so, the first time I meditated with, breathwork, with this teacher, this spiritual master, I was blown away. I had read all about keeping your mind in the, present moment, not thinking of the past or future just being in the, present moment. It was a fantastic, very well-read intellectual concept, lodged firmly in my head. But the first time did, breathwork, meditation, it became a tangible experience. That what it is to be in the, present moment, or what it is to have a mind without thoughts, or mind without an impulse. And that was the first time I experienced that.
Myrna: That is amazing, because most people take time to get there.
Kushal: I personally had tried it so many times before, and it didn't go anywhere. I want to come to that, why that was the case. This time, I effortlessly got there. So, then I started looking for scientific validation. That left-brain person that I was, I started looking for all the scientific underpinnings of that practice, or that, breathwork, meditation, that I experienced. And then I realized that it was real deal.
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I think the balance of both, left brain, and, right brain, is important. I think that brain is logic, analysis. Intensity, right brain, is more flow state, you know, calm music, you know, all of that emotion. So, I think a balance of both a judicious balance of both is very important. Either end of the spectrum, you somewhat lead an unbalanced life. And you want to, I think you want to be walking the razor's edge balances boredom.
Myrna: Why do you think that proper breathing aka, breathwork, heals your, trauma? Does it have to do with being in the, present moment, is that the doorway?
Kushal: There's a deeper scientific kind of effect that's happening on our nervous system. You know, any life experience that you go through, whether it's pleasant or unpleasant, it leaves a lesion or a scuff mark on your nervous system. It leaves like a, an impression in your system somewhere. Let me give you an example of something so simple as wanting to have a coffee in the morning.
First day, somebody offered you a cup of coffee in the morning, oh, you say it is the greatest thing. And next day, when you look at coffee, you remember the experience you had before. And you say, I want coffee. Third day, you are going to go and switch on the coffee pot. And the next day, if you don't have coffee in your apartment, that's going to make you feel miserable.
Sky breath meditation
So something as innocent as a coffee has created a pattern, or a conditioning of your mind. Some of the traumatic events, or some of the events of loss or anything of that nature does a very similar thing. Seeing something similar that evokes that emotion, keeps taking you back to that emotion. You know, for the, for the longest time, every time I would remove my shoes at the airport, it would take me back to the morning of, 911.
That was an impression that, 911, had created in my mind, and now, any such related events, were taking them back to past, not letting me be in more in the, present moment.
The practice that I learned, this technique is called, Sky breath meditation. And what, sky breath meditation, does is harnessing the rhythm of your own, breath. It clears your nervous system of this debilitating impression. Impressions that hold you back, impressions that take you back into those moments that you don't want to go back to.
So, the impressions make us, tied to our pass. So, what I experienced with, sky breath, was without effort.
You said a very beautiful thing earlier that I want to comment on, you said that you required visualization to move from, left brain, thinking to, right brain, thinking. Visualization, is an effort. Yes, not thinking of something or resisting thoughts is an effort. And as you know someone who is focused so much on, transforming the mind. You can't control your mind from the level of your own mind.
Myrna: Exactly. You got it. You know, that's the nature of the, mind. You cannot control it with your thoughts. Mind, does not subscribe, doesn't listen to effort. Your body listens to effort. If you want to build muscles, you have to put effort, but, sky breath, is complete effortless.
Kushal: So, what this, chi breath, did was without effort, it cleared my impressions and effortlessly took my mind to a place which was meditative. I had I tried so hard to meditate but when I closed my eyes all the profound ideas about what I wanted to have for dinner, all these trivial things which entered my awareness to the point that I cannot meditate. But now, sky breath meditation, changed all that through the simple act of, breathwork breathing.
Myrna: All right, awesome. All right. Now, you also talk about, Ayurveda, what exactly is that?
Kushal: Ayurveda, is just science of life. It's also colloquially known as the sister science to, yoga. Yoga, focuses on body and mind. Ayurveda, focuses on nutrition, what you put inside your system. So, it focuses on achieving harmony, and balance, through your food, your food is your medicine. But unlike a lot of the trends these days, eg. keto or, paleo where you do certain things, and you definitely don't do certain things, Ayurveda, is not restrictive.
Myrna: I don't know why I have not actually investigated, Ayurveda, because Deepak Chopra and Sadhguru teaches about, Ayurveda.
Kushal: Ayurveda, has to do with the planet, it has to do with how we work with the seasons, it has to do with the time of the day. It's all about bringing that balance, bringing that harmony in your system, through eating right at the right time, in the right amount. I realized that as I went deeper into my practice of, meditation, my nutrition automatically started aligning, aligning with what I recommended.
Okay, and it was very beautiful, it didn't say, do this, don't do this, it was never about that. And the minute someone says, don’t do this, I want to do that. So that's why, Ayurveda, really resonated with me, because it said, do everything, just do it in the right amount at the right time. And mindfulness is about being aware, being mindful of what you do and eat.
If you look at it scientifically, mindfulness, is a frontal cortex activity in your brain. And the research shows those people who practice, mindfulness, their frontal cortex is more developed. It is the thinking side of the brain. Mindfulness, keeps you at the surface level.
You turn off your mind, without effort. Turning off also requires effort. So, meditation, is not an act of doing anything but it's just being and then you are in that state. You connect with yourself and, meditation, happen.
Use a tool like, Sky breath, or some, breathwork, techniques allows you to connect with yourself and the more you are in touch with yourself, the more resilient you automatically become. The more aware you are at every moment, the more what is important and what is not becomes very clear. So, you may have these memories, like for example, if you like how you asked me earlier, take us to that day, 911, 2011 I can close my eyes and I can see every little detail in crystal clarity, but does it does not have the same emotional garbage or that negative charge that it used to have.
Book On A Wing And A Prayer
On A Wing and A Prayer
Myrna: Tell us about your book On A Wing and A Prayer where you can they can get your book. Tell us about your website, tell us about your handle on social media, so they can connect with you and, and how they can actually connect with you to learn, sky breath meditation.
Kushal: Sure. The book is available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. You can get it from my website, the links on my website, it's my first name and last name www.KushalChoksi.com.
Grief, is like going to a movie where you're watching a horror movie and the next person to you is watching a comedy. It was poignant for me to understand that somebody's life can be storming and the next door neighbor has sunshine.
My guest today is Samantha Ruth, grief expert and we are going to be talking on the topic “What does, grief, and, mental health, have in common.” I know that we're in a time where a lot of us are experiencing, grief, – our loved ones are dying left and right. We're in a place where we can't really socialize, so we've got a lot of, grief, and, mental health, issues come in. Samantha will shed some light on how to ease some of the pain and suffering that accompanies, grief.
Samantha Ruth is a Transformational Psychologist, speaker, best-selling author, and founder of Griefhab, a 24/7 support community for anyone who has experienced a loss. Sam helps people around the world turn their pain into their power by guiding them to be their true selves.
Her mission is to change the way the world views, mental health, so people can openly speak about whatever issues they have, and get the help they not only need, but deserve without fear of judgment, labels, and repercussions.
Sam understands what it's like to feel overwhelmed, lost, stuck, and alone. After unexpectedly losing her husband Jim, Sam felt like her life had been shattered into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. It took this experience for her to learn how to tune out the noise of everything and everybody else and focus on listening to herself. Her favorite quote:
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Helping others through their grief
Myrna: Can you share your story of losing your husband and how did that tragedy help you achieve the purpose of helping others through, grief. A lot of times, I firmly believe that God gives you a test so you can have a testimony. God puts you through the storm so you can help other people and that's obviously what your story is turned out to be. Now, can you share a little of it with us?
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Samantha: My husband was everything me. I met him when I was 24 years old and living in Michigan. We were together for a few years, but we were still young, silly and career driven. So, we went our separate ways. During that time, he moved to Colorado and we reconnected in June of 2013. We were married the following August and he passed away unexpectedly just a little over three years later. I had left my family and my career. I was just completely lost and had no idea what to do next.
Grief is like watching a horror movie while someone else is watching a comedy
Myrna: There’s a, grief, story I heard a few months back. This woman told the story that one day, ( she was a psychologist) she and her husband were going to pick up their son from the Airport. He’s wasn't her child, it was her husband's son and he was turning 18 the next day. They were going to go pick him up from the Airport and she decided to walk her dog before they left. While she walked her dog, her husband said he was going to jump in the river for a quick swim (that’s something he did every day).
While she was walking her dog, she suddenly heard him scream. She didn't pay much attention to it, because she knows he was a strong swimmer. When she heard him scream again, she decided to go to investigate. She saw her husband clutching a tree in the middle of the river, apparently there was some kind of a wild current that day and her husband was trying to hang on to the tree, but the current was too strong and he was swept away.
She actually physically saw him drowned right in front of her eyes. Her whole world shattered, she was overcome with, grief. The hardest thing she had to do was telling his son that his father died in his 18th birthday, knowing that he would never be able to celebrate his birthday again.
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Until that story, I never really understood, grief. She said when you have, grief, it's like you don't have sun anymore, but your neighbor has sun. She said she would get up in the morning and while she had this black cloud of, grief, her neighbor would be getting up and going to get his morning paper and clueless of what's going on at his next door neighbor!
Grief, is like going to a movie where you're watching a horror movie and the next person to you is watching a comedy. It was poignant for me to understand that somebody's life can be storming and the next door neighbor has sunshine.
Myrna: You said your, grief, was like your world shattered into tiny pieces? Can you expand on how you handled that?
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Samantha: I also want to add that, grief, is also invisible. We don't have a cast over a broken arm or something that people can see. We live in this world that avoids the uncomfortable conversations. The first year after my husband died was a complete blur to me. I was in deep, depression. If you told me we went to Japan together, I would trust your memory over mine. I went through the motions, I survived.
I am a psychologist trained in, trauma, and there was pressure. I don't know if your friend who's also a psychologist experienced that, but there was pressure to bounce back quicker than anyone else would, because it's what I do and I couldn't or wouldn't do that. I had to find my own way. There were sunny houses all over the place, but I felt like I lived in a forest. I had to figure out how to get through the maze all by myself. The world expects you to get back to work, your family, everybody's pulling from a different direction.
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Self care is important in grief and loss
I made a conscious decision because I was in so much pain, I had to take care of myself. I went in a direction that was unfamiliar to me and to everyone else, which made more noise, but, self care, was the way through.
So, to anyone struggling with, grief, I encourage you to find the strength to listen to the voice inside your head, don't listen to the others.
Myrna: You're able to take the knowledge that you learned from going through that traumatic experience to help others through, grief. You founded the company called Griefhab, can you tell us about your company.
Samantha: I am on a mission to change the way the world views, grief, and, mental health, because my experience showed me how similar the two were.
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Grief and loss because of the Coronavirus pandemic
Myrna: We're on in some unprecedented times with the, Coronavirus pandemic. How does your company help other experiencing, grief and loss, because of the, coronavirus pandemic?
Samantha: Tuning out the noise and not letting people expectations like – “Hey, you should have gotten over it by now.” What I mean, and my advice as a psychologist is, you need to have a support system and that's important. Grief, can be isolating and you can feel different and lonely and there are people who get it. The pandemic has uprooted millions of people's lives and you are not alone.
Talking really does help even if somebody is just listening and they're not actually physically doing talking, it does help. Talking is the way through, grief. Please, loved ones and friends, be patient with us. It might be uncomfortable for you, but it is the only way we will heal.
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What does grief and mental illness have in common?
Myrna: What does, grief, and, mental illness, issues have in common? What are the, stages of grief, and how does it affect your, mental health?
Samantha: I do not believe that you can grieve without, anxiety, and, depression. Going through the grieving process, there are such stigmas around both. I've lived with the world of, mental health, stigmas when I was early in healing journey. I learned that people treat someone grieving the same way as they treat someone with a, mental illness; they don't know how to act around them and they don't know what to say. I felt all of these stigmas and all I had done was lose my husband.
What, grief, and, mental health, have most in common is that they can be isolating and alienating. That’s the reason I am trying to make noise and let the world know that everything we know is backwards. We have to talk about it, we have to lean on each other and the stigmas are backwards. We need each other. I am one voice and anyone that's willing to share their personal stories by raising their hand and saying I am not okay, even just saying “I'm having a bad day”, will erase the stigma.
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People don't know we're grieving. It's invisible, mental health. They can't see, depression, or, anxiety.
Samantha: You can't grieve without going through, anxiety, and, depression, it is one of the, stages of grief.
Myrna: They also say that there are, seven stages of grief. So, where does the, anxiety, and, depression, fit in?
Samantha: Well, I mean there's pressure to attend A, B, C, D and E immediately after, grief and loss. I haven't spoken to anyone who has experienced, grief and loss, that doesn't have some sort of, anxiety, about going back to work or attending an event, even if it's virtual.
It's a tidal wave of, anxiety, it comes and it goes and it doesn't end. You get through in the beginning, it's like you're drowning and you come up for air and you find a buoy or somebody to hold on to (that's one of your support system). That's how it is for a while, then eventually you can swim and float and then all of a sudden, a wave comes out of nowhere and knocks you down and it could be a month later or a year later or even a decade later.
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Is there an end to grief?
Myrna: As a psychologist, is there a way to do something to prevent the, grief, coming back like a decade later?
Samantha: It doesn't get better, it gets different and that's why people expect holidays, anniversaries and certain life events to be difficult days. But it could just be next Tuesday and it could be a difficult day for no reason. The good things you experience are met with sadness, because the person you want to share it with the most isn't physically here, so, grief, is always there.
Something would knocked me to my knees in the beginning and I would be down and out and I would barely get myself back together, and then something else would come and knock me right back to my knees (it's not like that now). If something happens, I can cope and get through it. It's still painful, but I have learned how to navigate so that I'm not back down on my knees.
I went to the University of Michigan and I can't perform the same way I did, my brain has been permanently altered because of the, trauma, of grief.
Myrna: That is very interesting, trauma. They call it big “T” – traumas and little “T” – traumas. Now, what you're saying someone with, grief, should take it one day at a time. Work with the present moment, that is how everything changes. You can't go back into the past, you can't go into the future, all changes happen in the present moment.
Myrna: Let's say that I have somebody that's going through the grieving process, what are some of the things that I can do to help? This is very important because I remember what you shouldn't say to somebody. What can we say or do for someone experiencing, grief?
How to Help with Grief
Samantha: Say “I'm here for you”. Don’t ask “what do you need”, is a very stressful question. We don't know the answer, so just be there for us. Give someone experiencing, grief and loss, multiple choice questions, not essay – say I'm going to the store and I'm getting you stuff. Do you want bread or milk? I can answer that question.
Myrna: Yes, the same woman who lost her husband in the river said that people came to her home and helped her clean her house and cooked for her, because these are things that you have no interest in doing during the grieving process, but nobody ever really thinks about that.
Samantha: Grief, is a tough journey and something each one of us is going to experience in our lives because death is something that happens and it's unavoidable. Not everybody lives until they're 95, there's going to be sudden death at 30s, 20s or whatever. Where people don't expect it and that's when it's harder, but we're all going to be touched with it.
Mental Health stigmas
Myrna: How can we help break some of the, mental health stigmas?
Samantha: I think it's similar to, grief, I think by talking about it, we break the stigma. When I tell people I have, anxiety, a lot of people ask questions because they don't know. Telling one person or starting one conversation helps break the stigma of, mental illness. It doesn't have to be going on the news and telling the world, but we won't change things if we continue to hide it and make it like it's something bad.
Myrna: Tell us about your book, why you wrote it, what do you want the reader to walk away with at the end of reading it?
Permission Granted to Grieve
Samantha: My second book was called “Permission Granted to Grieve”. I think it's important that the world understands that you have to grieve, you have to heal, you can't ignore it. Everything I'm saying is the same for, grief, and, mental health.
My upcoming book is called “Ruthless”. My last name is Ruth and I lost my husband. I became ruthless, but ruthless is perceived a negative. So, redefining ruthless is my journey. I want people to see negative things as strengths and perceived weaknesses as advantages. I'm taking this negatively charged word and making it okay.
Myrna: Tell us about your company Griefhab and your 24/7 support community. How can someone get in touch with you? What is your website? Tell us how you help people at Griefhab?
Samantha: There are two elements to Griefhab; one – it's 24/7 support community. You don't have to wait until your next appointment to talk to somebody. You don't have to struggle, there's always support available and that's a free community on Facebook. You can go there on FacebookGriefhab or it's on my website www.samantharuth.com.
Conclusion
There's no judgment, this is about healing your way and asking the questions that you don't feel safe asking anywhere else. People who feel that they need more support like I did, like sending out the death certificates and dealing with the creditors and all the things like getting the light bulb changed, finding somebody to get your groceries and make things, so you don't have to do anything.
I do all of that in addition to working with you. When I had to present a death certificate, it knocked me down. So, I want other people to know those are tasks that we can do for you, so you can just heal.
Myrna: Thanks for tuning in to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio podcast and television show. If you've not done so yet, please rate and review us on iTunes so that we can get this message out to a wider audience. Until next time, blessings.
