My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase. He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out. We must heal our, brokenness if we are going to hold love, self-esteem, self-worth, or confidence.
Certified Life coach, Myrna Young and registered social worker, Arifah Yusaf discuss, How to Heal your Brokenness,
The LORD is near to the, broken hearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase. He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out. That means that if you are, broken hearted,
you cannot hold love,
you cannot hold appreciation,
you cannot hold compliments,
you are incapable of receiving and holding anything.
So it is very important for us to find our cracks and mend them. As, minority women, most of us have experienced some, brokenness, in our lives.
Here are the top 3 reasons for, Brokenness:
Devalued and rejected by others
Abandoned by our parents
Feelings of not being good enough because we have lack.
How do we Heal, brokenness?
I know in our practice of social work and in psychology, a lot of clinical professionals, look at the research study around ACES which is our first childhood experiences.
That study basically states that childhood experiences before the age of 18, whether that be witnessing abuse or being abused themselves, living in poverty or just going through traumatic events; Those experiences impact their, brokenness, as they grow up into adulthood. It may impact how they maneuver through success or how they view themselves as failures.
These experience are also linked to risky health behaviors, chronic health conditions, low life potential and even early death.
Myrna Young, Life Coach, I agree that risky behaviors from, brokenness, usually means an absence of self-love and that can definitely lead to early death.
I am going to niche down in our conversation today to address women of color and, minority women, because that’s who we are.
As women we can be, broken, both in our childhood and by narcissistic men in our adult lives, who have rejected us or devalued us.
Our, brokenness, becomes compared with the, broken hearted. Also when we experience, brokenness, as children those experiences can leads us to get into unhealthy relationships. Healing our, brokenness, prevents us from repeating this pattern of unhealthy relationships that would leave us, broken hearted.
It takes work to heal our cracks. The first step in coaching is to identify how you became, broken, and then replace your subconscious programming with a new program similar to writing over a CD disk.
How to heal the, Broken Hearted
Acknowledge that you are, broken
Follow the pain – pay attention to where it hurts
Trust outside eyes. Have close trusted friends to tell you what they see. This can also be a, life coach, who can uncover your blind spots.
Allow love to mold you like the potter molds clay.
Pray and meditate on the fruits of the spirit, peace, joy, love
Here is a story on, How we become broken, and the process of healing.
Arifah – In my years of practice, I obviously had a lot of opportunities to engage young people who have expressed feeling, broken, based on their lived experiences or their adverse childhood experiences. As we talked about earlier in the segment, those experiences impact how they view themselves, how they show up in relationships, in their place within society or their environments.
I recall speaking with this young woman who shared witnessing domestic abuse at home. She actually found her mother’s body when she came home from school one day. She was then placed into the foster care system. At 18 years old having nowhere to go, she was placed into a shelter. I remember her telling me that she really struggled with her identity and her self-esteem. She harbored resentment towards her family because nobody had come to claim her in Foster care which magnified her, brokenness.
In her late teens she became pregnant and wanted to connect with her family; because she was starting to feel isolated and she wanted her child to know more about her family history. But she faced rejection once more. She decided that it was all up to her, to make a difference in her child’s life.
She then stared setting small goals for herself and accomplishing them. That started building her self-esteem until she recovered from her, brokenness. She became more engaged in her community and connected with other single mothers. She stopped blaming others or comparing herself to others and continued her healing process.
She decided to develop a plan with a network of positive healthy people. Eventually she stopped defining herself as, broken, because she realized that she really could make a difference in the life of her child. It was all up to her, no one else. Like the analogy of the broken vase, she couldn’t hold self-esteem, or self-worth, as a broken vessel, everything leaked out. When she became whole everything stayed in. That is, how to heal your brokenness,
My purpose in writing this book was to share with my readers the power of intention as the energy in my life. This book is my testimony on how I overcame my, brokenness.
All my life I have been called lucky; but there is no such thing as luck just positive energy and preparation.
As women we sometimes fail because we are always working; but not On their lives. We instead work in our lives. To succeed your commitment to your own personal growth must parallel your commitment to building remarkable lives for yourself and your children.
After you read my book and become inspired by my story of success after starting out with nothing and healing my, brokenness, I would like to Help you get off the starting block with the most unbelievable coaching offer ever made!
If you are interested in doing something remarkable with your life and escape the Snares of failure from, broken relationships, broken marriages, by moving your dreams from your head into your hands, then download your FREE book and purchase my coaching package.
You will never get a better chance to invest in you. I believe that you are worth it. Don’t you?
Ginni Saraswati, award winning journalist shares How to, Create and Produce Podcasts, that Entertain, Empower and Engage Audiences.
Ginni is an award-winning journalist and host of the Ginni Show, Comedy & Connectivity. In this episode Ginni shares how podcasters can, create and produce, entertaining shows by understanding what they are good at. How podcasters can use their strengths to engage and entertain audiences.
Excerpt from the interview
Ginni, I was reading in your bio that you’ve got a great radio story. It is an inspiration to all those radio personalities out there that are toiling for no pay!
My story well it is an interesting one, because I was in my second year in university studying creative art. There’s was a radio station in Melbourne, the city I grew up in Australia. They had a course going for people who wanted to learn everything about radio. The station was joy 94.9 which was Australia’s first and only LGBT radio station, and I think only one of three in the world at that time. Anyway I applied for the course and I got accepted.
That’s when my life changed. I was more looking to do producer type stuff. I didn’t want to literally get behind the microphone. I knew a couple of things would change if I were to get behind the microphone of an LGBT radio station. I was completely afraid that this would automatically out me to everyone. I had not yet come out that I was gay.
How did you Transition from radio to, Creating and Producing podcasts?
I knew that radio and now podcasting is an intimate space, because people generally listen to radio or podcasts on their own. It’s not something that you go “hey it’s Friday night let’s go to my place and listen to a podcast!” Podcast listeners are listening to a radio or an external device and it’s within a meter away from them or it’s right in their ears. So it’s a very intimate space, that’s why it’s so impactful and why podcasting has become so popular.
How to, Create and Produce Podcasts, that you can monetize?
There is a lot of money in podcasting. Advertisers are getting a lot back from Ads because of the intimacy of the medium.
45 Percent of Podcast Listeners Have a Household Income of $75,000 or More
Podcast listeners are a relatively affluent group. Compared to America as a whole, monthly podcast listeners are 29 percent more likely to have a HHI of $75,000 or more. Combined with the large ratio of podcast listeners in the coveted 25 to 54 demographic, this is why advertisers are starting to seek out podcast sponsorship opportunities.
85 Percent of Podcast Listeners Have Attended College
Podcast listeners are also an educated group, as they are nearly 20 percent more likely to have attended college at some point, compared to the U.S. population as a whole. And among people who have secured a four-year college degree, the difference is even more striking, with podcast listeners 40 percent more likely to have done so.
The perfect medium for advertisers. Podcasts are very educational, it’s like you know the audio version of YouTube! Anything you want to learn, there’s a podcast that can teach you whatever you want to learn.
How to, Create and Produce podcasts, with Radio experience
I found inspiration in the part of your story about working for 10 years on the radio for no pay!
Yes, when I first got into morning radio, we started at 6:00 am, so I got up at 4:30 am, no matter what I did the night before. That’s how much I loved radio. It did take a good 10 years of hustle, getting up early, staying back late. The first time I got on the radio, I got the graveyard shift from 11:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m., which meant I was getting to bed like 2:30 am or 3:00 am, and then on the reverse, when I got the morning show, I had to get up at 4:30 a.m. to make sure I was there for 6.00 am. It did take a lot of hard work; but you know no pain, no gain. Let’s remember nothing comes free. I don’t think you can do anything great that you don’t build up. It does take a lot of work and consistency to build anything great.
I worked for free for 10 years; but you know it was the most rewarding experience in my life. I got to meet and interview amazing people and make strong connections.
Mel Robbins tells the story as well about working on radio for free and you almost losing her house because she was not making any money and her husband’s business wasn’t doing well. They almost lost everything. She tells a powerful story in her book the “Five-second Rule”
She now works for CNN and she’s blown up but it all started with working for free on the radio!
How to, create and produce your own podcast.
On my radio show we started to re-purpose some episodes into podcasts. So I got the idea to start my own podcast because one, the attention was going to podcasts and secondly, I wanted the freedom to talk about what I wanted to talk about. On the radio you’re regulated, you’re in kind of a regulated industry; you can’t mention or talk about certain things; so there’s no freedom in in radio.
Not so for a podcast. You can talk about anything within reason on a podcast. You can curse, talk about sex or whatever you want. That’s how Genni Media my podcast production company was born. Now my company Ginni Media is a boutique Podcast Production Company serving the vision of entrepreneurs, celebrities and influential organizations around the world. Specializing in podcast production and content re-purposing, they provide a concierge-style service to ensure your voice is literally being heard where it needs to be.
That’s awesome, if you are reading this and working hard at something and not seeing any fruit, just keep on working and building. Keep on sowing seeds at some point in time it’s going to grow into a forest.
I was listening to Joel Osteen this morning and he it can take a year, it can take ten years, or it can even take 30 years! You have to have faith.
How did you have the courage to introduce your sexuality on your show even though it was a criminalized act in your home country of Sri Lanka?
Well I kind of lived a bit of a fragmented life back then. My family even though then I was on an a Gay radio station, weren’t exactly aware that I Gay. My mother never questioned me about the content of the show. They didn’t find out until about six or seven years later. I was doing a TV segment, I was like about twenty three years old. My sister knew and certain cousins of mine knew, I didn’t really feel the need to come out because I don’t think it’s necessarily something that needs to be announced, because if you are in a heterosexual relationship, you don’t sit your parents down and tell them. So I was doing this TV segment in Australia on channel 31 at 10:00 p.m. on a Monday night. I didn’t think anyone in my family would be watching a Gay game show program at 10.00 pm on a Monday. But apparently my auntie and uncle were watching and they heard me say I am Ginni and I am Gay!
How to, create and produce podcasts, that entertain, empower and engage audiences?
Download to listen to the full interview with Ginni to learn some tips for creating and producing your podcast.
How to, dress for success, we have all heard the saying don’t dress for the position you have now; but the position you want to get.
Since I was a little girl I could pick out the women who had money. They would be dressed in suits or what I believed to be expensive clothing, with their hair and make up perfectly done. When they passed me, they smelled like heaven. But looking back, I realized that to, dress for success, did not mean that you had to be wealthy and have a closet full of expensive clothing. For all I knew these women that I admired, could have had only one suit in their closet or one, dress for success, frock. It is not the quantity of your wardrobe, but the quality.
In my personal experience as well as reading business books and looking at movies like 50 Shades of Grey and the Proposal with Sandra Bullock,
Here is the formula for, dressing for success Men,
Men if you have not seen 50 Shades of Grey, you should rent in on Netflix. Not only does it show you how to pleasure your woman; but at the beginning of the movie, it shows you what the closet of a rich successful business man looks like. Dozens of dark color suits, dozens of white shirts and dozens of ties. Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg and Google have all tried to change the dress code to tea shirt and jeans; but take a look at the Senate or President Trump or Wall Street. The business suit is still the, dress of success,
I have always seen movies with the men being fitted for a suit; but I have always bought my man a suit from off the rack! Apparently that is bad!
A carefully fitted suit is worth it’s weight in gold.
Even if it is off the rack it shouldn’t fit like a sack!
Get it altered to fit. It does not matter how much the suit cost; but it must fit!
That is the secret to looking successful. That is the way to, dress for success,
The consensus is that a business suit should be single breasted and either dark blue or dark grey.
Heading back to Christian Grey in 50 shades of Grey. Notice that all his shirts were white. I have never seen President Barack Obama, in nothing other than a white shirt. Your white shirt should be one hundred percent cotton with button down collars and always long sleeves. Short sleeves are out! Complete the look with a pair of black loafers, well shined and with a new looking heel. If your heal wears down to one side, get it replaced at the shoe maker.
Here is the formula for, dressing for success Women,
As from my intro I have been trying to copy Sandra Bullock’s look in the proposal for some time now. That is my, dress for success, look. If you haven’t seen the movie, she rocked the black pencil skirt with a white shirt and pumps with elegant heels.
Find a look that flatters your figure. As women we come in all sizes. I don’t have time to get into the best look if you are busty, hippy or made to wear clothes like a super model. The formula to, dress for success, for women is to invest in a few classic, simple suits in dark colors. The same as the men, grey or blue. I still have the suit jacket I purchased from my first big pay check as a salesperson, 20 years ago. It was a grey wool blend double breasted skirt suit. I paid $700 for it from my $30,000 pay check. I felt successful so I went out and started, dressing for success,
Nice simple fitted dresses also work wonders, especially if paired with a blazer and some fashionable jewelry. The great thing is that you can loose the blazer for the after work parties and still be, dressed for success,.
As women we like to flaunt our sexually, but avoid wearing bright colors, tight pants, mini skirts, plunging necklines or blue jeans. It may get you in the door short term; but it be paid for with long term loss, because men will hit on you, since they will feel that is what you are selling. Then a whole can of worms is opened up that doesn’t end well.
Dress for success shoes,
Shoes. I love the look of the thin healed pumps. It makes any foot look elegant. Not everyone can wear those including me. I just purchased a pair from the Ivanka Trump line. Don’t judge me they were on sale! And of course we have the Sex in the city reruns with the iconic Carrie Bradshaw for inspiration on how to, dress for success, with shoes.
So there you have it. Some ideas how to look the part before you get the part. As you lean your ladder against the wall of success, my wish for you in 2019 is that you get to the top of the ladder or at least make progress up the rungs.
Everyone is different. We developed a system to measure and define the brains Ambiguity Relief Process, these, life hacks, is called the Colored Brain.
My guest today is Arthur Carmazzi, best selling author of “The 6 Dimensions of Top Achievers” Arthur talks about, life hacks, from his work with the, Colored brain. The Colored Brain analysis is use as a method to motivate teams and leaders.
I started doing research on the different personalities decades ago, I found out that personality it’s too complicated and can’t be accurate with so many complicated variables. So I started looking into elements of why people are mis-communicating, why people are frustrated, why people lose
trust, and so I found some genetic foundations or, life hacks, I found out why are people motivated and why they become unmotivated. I found out some of the factors or the mind-body connection.
After about a little over a year of research, I started to apply some of these ideas and strategies that later became known as the Directive Communication Psychology body of work. This Psychology ended up saving the company I was working for at the time, about seventeen thousand dollars a week in wasteful work.
After that I started writing articles and then I got on the radio and TV. So I quit my job and started on the road to becoming a top Global Thought Leader in organizational culture specializing in, life hacks,
I started to open franchises in 2005, we now have like over 400 licensed Directed Communications Psychology trainers and coaches in 18 different countries.
We created systems! We can call it the combination to the lock.
The Master key for the lock is a something called Modeling.
Modeling is basically all the modalities. Everyone operates from a different system. Let’s take for example somebody like Richard Branson. Richard has a very chaotic process of achieving things. The way that he interprets information is different from most. The way that he acts on information is very different from for example the late Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs isn’t a serial entrepreneur. Richard has what we call Chaotic Processor. If I tried to model Steve Jobs to create a Richard Branson, I would fail because Steve Jobs does not have the same brain process, he doesn’t interpret information the same as Richard Branson. Therefore I would not succeed by trying to model him. This is where, life hacks, come into play.
We’re all different, we all process information differently. We all have a different digestive system, different fingerprints. There’s no two people alike.
We developed a system to measure and define the brains ambiguity relief process, we call this this system, The Colored Brain,.
The colored Brain, basically segments the different processes into individual clarity getting processes.
This has nothing to do with personality; this is how your brain gets clarity. We use, life hacks, to get this clarity. There are different processes that your brain gets clarity from and it’s based on specific lengths of specific genes and specific parts of your brain that release neurotransmitters or regulate neurotransmitters.
If we go to organizational culture, one of the primary breakdowns in organizational culture, is the lack of trust and respect for management. This is because everyone is processing information differently and don’t trust anyone who does not think like them.
4 Parts of the The Colored Brain
• Chaotic processing or Green brain – In the, Green brain, literally nothing is connected and because nothing is connected what happens is it will go anywhere. The Green Brain, can create something from nothing. It gets a little bit of information and immediately goes running. In order to get clarity the, Green brain, will start to take action. Other people are freaking out and the, Green Brain, people are already doing it. People will say they’re just so impulsive, jumping into stuff without really knowing or checking it out first. In fact Green brains, make the most of the mistakes of any other brain color; but they also recover faster from mistakes of any other brain color. They get clarity through action.
• Relational testing or Purple brain – For the Purple brain, everything is related and everything is connected. Purple brain, need to get information now. It’s important to know all about the details and the information. Everything is connected, so the moment that they get information, they put it in kind of a database. That automatically starts to connect to everything else, and so what happens is that the more information and the more details they get, the more options they have. Once they feel that they have clear options, they can then go ahead and choose an option and move on from there. That is how they create their, life hack, for processes. If they’re wrong they still have other options and maybe they might get a little more information. These Purple brain, people oftentimes take a long time to get all of this information and all of these details. People sometimes misunderstand them and think they’re slow or they’re not efficient. These Purple brain, people are actually quite good at creating systems because everything is connected. They create, life hacks, that works for their clarity.
• Linear processing or Red brain – Red brains need structure. They look for structure in order to work. If there isn’t any structure in place, what ends up happening is they start to create it and sometimes it’s a little bit frustrating to others on the team. They want to know, what is the first step? What is the second step and so on. People may think this person is an idiot and he doesn’t know what he’s doing and so there’s judgments, lack of trust and lack of respect. Because Red brains, get clarity through structure it’s an active process. So they create this kind of logical process or, life hack, that affects their ability to connect with people.
• Intuitive processing or Blue brain – Intuition is not some woo woo thing that the Universe gives you. Intuition is actually a part of your unconscious experience. You’ve got all of these things that have happened to you and have happened around you that you haven’t been noticing; but your subconscious notices and records everything. Blue brains pick up on stuff very easily because of this, life hack, They pick up on what’s going on around them, they’re quite empathetic to the feelings of others. They often times they end up taking on other people’s problems as their own. Multitasking is much easier for Blue brain, than it is for the other colors.
The colored brain, is a genetic foundation and that doesn’t change. We started talking about keys and the master key. If you understand your colored brain, you understand your primary motivators. These, life hacks, will motivate your teams because you will understand and cater to how everyone processes information. Every motivator basically is connected to a behavior. You can customize it accordingly with mini Gamified processes that will constantly motivate your teams.
After competing for nearly four years as a professional golfer, he transitioned out of the world of golf into his new endeavors as coach.
Can you share your journey to becoming a professional golfer and how it marries to your life today as a coach, collaborator and podcaster. There must be a story in there why you actually give up golf, love to hear it.
My journey like everyone’s life and path is a journey. Journeys take lots of time and
usually involve lots of failure and mine is no doubt the same. I started playing golf when I was really young. My dad got me into it and I really enjoyed playing. I was a competitive kid so anything with competition in sports I was in.
In golf, there wasn’t anyone else responsible for your successes. Your path to, self-mastery, depends on only you. I felt like I had the most control in my success. As I progressed it became clear it was something that I could really build. My focus kind of narrowed on golf in high school. I started dropping other sports so that I could really focus on golf. I ended up playing in college at Masters University in California. I worked on, self-mastery, for four years in college.
It was clear that I had the skills to be a professional golfer. So I decided to give it a shot. In my senior year, I created the business plan and the structure around getting the financing to play professional golf. I got 10 to 11 sponsors and investors to back me. So when I graduated I was able to turn professional right away, upon leaving college in May of 2014. That kind of kicked off my four year journey of playing professional golf.
It takes a professional golfer about 10 years to get from, here to there, there being the PGA tour, and to self-mastery, the ultimate goal for every professional golfer. It’s not an overnight thing. There’s the people that you know, Tiger Woods, Jordan Spieth and Phil Mickelson and the 1% of the 1% the superstars. Everyone else it takes an average of 10 years to get from, here to there, and to, self-mastery,
My first year was a lot of failure, and a lot of learning. It was this process of development and, self-mastery, the process of learning how to develop and grow as a human very much at the same time.
As a golfer I started to learn to grow and improve and see some slow signs of growth and success. About two years into the journey after I’ve gotten partial status, I started to face a systemic injury which started in 2016. It was a muscle strain in my back. Many different factors combined and that kicked off about a year-and-a-half journey of failing to rehab correctly, failure of treating the symptom versus the injury. When I did reach the end of those first three and a half years, it became clear that my body wasn’t 100 % healed.
But the bigger thing that happened was at my desires and giftings and abilities had kind of shown a different purpose. I felt more called to coach, so I made the decision this last December to transition out of Golf.
I truly believe what I’m doing now is my purpose. I believe that golf equipped me for my true purpose. I think that the journey of professional golf was a hyper-focused form of personal development and, self-mastery, because golf again is an arena where at the end of the day you have to take 100% ownership of your career, your life and your success because there’s no one to blame but yourself if you don’t succeed. There’s no coaches, there’s no teammates, there’s no referee, there’s no other external factors that you can blame for winning or losing. You have to take that ownership upon yourself. So it really it forced me to leave no stone unturned in figuring out how to optimize and to, self-mastery, create the best form of myself as a competitor and as a golfer. You can’t control outcomes, but you can control your preparation and, self-mastery, of the game.
I never planned on being at this place where I am now, as a speaker and a writer and entrepreneur. All these things manifested because I was faithful to do the best that I could. In golf I left no stone unturned and it has equipped me for his work. If I hadn’t been faithful to do that then I wouldn’t be ready. Golf allowed me to get, from here to there, and to, self-mastery,
There’s a really good book called “The talent code” by Daniel Coyle and he really brings out that
Whether you’re coaching soccer or teaching a child to play the piano, writing a novel or trying to improve your golf swing, this revolutionary book shows you how to grow talent by tapping into a newly discovered brain mechanism. He feels that just because you have the talent doesn’t mean
it will be nurtured to the level of, self-mastery, its deep work and deep practice to really develop skill, competence and, self-mastery, in any field it’s always a combination of nature and nurture.
I think the mindset of a professional athlete is one that is competitive but not just competitive it’s also inspired. I think having clarity is really important as well. As an athlete you get objective feedback of win or lose, so you can figure out how to get, from here to there, and to, self- mastery, I think the same is true about having a vision. You have a goal you are striving for and you get feedback from whether you are successful or not.
What is your quarter life perspective on, self- mastery,?
I give a lot of credit for this title to my grandpa. When I was writing this book he was an influential voice in my head and life.
As mothers we must be vigilant and protect our children from predators; but most of us do not think we to protect them from, sexual abuse, from their own fathers. Maralee McLean share her story of her 12 year battle to protect her daughter.
Welcome to the Transform Your Mind blog and podcast, I’m your host coach Myrna Young and today I am speaking with Maralee McLean. Maralee is going to be talking to us today about her experience with, sexual abuse, from a parent. This is a very personal story for Maralee and I applaud her braveness and her transparency.
I’ve spoken several times on the show and this blog, of my , sexual abuse, as a child. I wrote a book about my story “Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement” So what I hope to do today is help Maralee bring awareness to, sexual abuse, in the home by family members.
This nightmare became real for Maralee McLean, and her book “Prosecuted but not Silenced” details it. The entire narrative of “protective mothers”, mothers who have to share custody of their children with dangerous, abusive men; defies belief. People with background knowledge of the plight of protective mothers will recognize many themes of Maralee’s story- Woman falls in love with a “nice guy” who turns violent, uses the divorce to unleash a previously unimaginable level of cruelty and violence, and a court system so blinded to this evil and to the needs of children, they facilitate it. But for those who still find Maralee’s story beyond belief, there is almost a hundred pages of appendices providing the actual documentation mentioned in the chapters of the book, as well as background on issue.
• This book deals with child, sexual abuse, It’s impossible to write a book about child, sexual abuse, without describing child, sexual abuse, there are some concrete and medical description of child, sexual abuse, Readers easily triggered by that should skip through those descriptions, but by no means should they not read the book.
• In some ways, this book is the strongest testimony to the mother-child bond I’ve ever read. It’s also a testimony to why that bond should not be broken capriciously, and why a system that does, cannot be tolerated. This book deals with how our society is willing to sacrifice children on an altar of egos and ideologies. And it illustrates why that must stop.
There’s lots of these cases today of protective moms that can’t protect their children, so that’s one of the reason I’m telling this story. I had I’ve been married to a, Domestic Violence abuser, and I really got out of my marriage carefully. Before we got married there were no red flags or books out there to tell you about these kinds of men. I thought a woman had be physically abused for it to be domestic violence. I didn’t understand control and emotional abuse and psychological abuse. I suffered all those abuses. I tell young girls today, especially in college, if they see red flags, run because if they marry that guy and have a child with him, you’re in this for life because that child will be possibly abused. I not saying, sexual abuse, but abuse in other forms.
My red flags were that he would be a perfectly nice guy and then his eyes would change in an instant to scary evil looking eyes.
We were married for many years before I had a baby but once I divorced him, there was a lot going through the divorce in itself. I mean I was stalked, emotionally abused, some physical and psychological. He would write editorials to the newspaper about our divorce and they would print them and they not even true.
When my daughter was a baby her father did not want anything to do with her but once she turns like around 2 years old, he started wanting to see have visitation. This one time on a visitation our two-year-old daughter was wearing this little pink dress, her long dark hair was in a ponytail, her little blue eyes that danced and every one on the street literally stopped me to talk to her and I say her sweet she looked. I dropped her off at her dad at 4 pm for a 3 hour visit. When I went to pick her up about 7:00 pm that evening, I knocked at the door and there was no answer. I thought well that’s weird. I knocked again, still no answer. Finally he comes to the door and I saw my daughter’s clothes are strewn all over the living room floor. He goes upstairs and brings her down the stairs. She was covered in sweat and limp in his arms. Her hair was matted to her head. I asked him what the heck happened to her, my gut pulled tight. He said she got sick. I said well that’s funny because she was fine a few hours ago. I got her clothes together got her dress and got her out of there fast; but I at that point I never would dream he would, sexually abuse, his daughter. I always thought he’d be the greatest father that was one of the reasons I’d married him. I never saw any indication of, sexual abuse, or anything like that in him before this. I thought well she just got sick at his place.
Are you dissatisfied with your life and/or your job? Do you feel bored, unfulfilled, maybe unhappy, stressed or burned out? Do you expect more from life?
Then you might be interested in Chris Morgan’s new book “Have The Courage To Be YOU – How Not To Live A Life Of Quiet Desperation”.
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Later within maybe three months or so after that incident, my little girl discloses, sexual abuse, to the daycare provider and to myself in detail. No child could possibly come up with that on her own. She was 2 and a half. I called my sister who was a nurse at Children’s Hospital and I asked her what to do. She told me to ask her again in the morning and see if she repeats it. Don’t mention her father’s name and then take her to her pediatrician, so that’s exactly what I did and she I repeated the same, sexual abuse, to me and to her pediatrician. The doctor notified social services and that’s when my nightmare began!
Social services set up supervised visits and he was the perfect father. Then one day I met The Guardian Ad litem, which is a lawyer for the child. I go into this room and they had other social workers there and the father and she interrogated me like nothing I’ve ever seen on TV. Why would your daughter continue to say, sexual abuse, if you weren’t coaching her?
I said have you talked to the babysitter who spent quality time with my little girl? She had been on the case for 3 months and she had not met the babysitter.
She said this is, parental alienation, I didn’t even know what, parental alienation, meant at the time. This is a term I’ll bring up later. She says this child going into foster care. She already had a foster care home lined up before she even talked to me. I am beyond belief. Her father and I are not even living together. They were going to put my baby into foster care and totally traumatize her. She’s never been away from me. I’m the sole caretaker. But I held it together, because I knew if I emotionally went nuts the would say I was not a fit mother.
After they took my baby, I lay my head on a desk and cried as if my soul was just ripped out of me. Then I drove a hundred miles an hour to Dr. Baker’s office. I walked in with my makeup all over my face. They just took my baby from me, you know the truth, fight for us.
It took me 12 years to get my baby back.
Click the link below to listen to the rest of this powerful story.
10 ways that, childhood trauma, can sabotage your love life and relationships. Relationship Coach Riana Milne joins The Transform your Mind podcast to discuss, childhood trauma, and how it impacts our adult life. Riana is the best selling author of “Love Beyond your Dreams” and “From Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success.”
For anyone who have had trouble maintaining healthy relationships, listen to find out if your have any of the, childhood trauma, that can affect your love relationships.
IN THIS EPISODE YOU’LL LEARN:
How does, childhood trauma, impact adults in life and love?
Riana goes over ten, childhood traumas, and relate them back to how they show up in our lives as an adult.
To get the most out of this topic, Riana advise the listeners to Get a sheet of paper and make three columns.
The first column you put “ME”, the second column you put “Your partner” and the third column you put “Your parents” because research shows, childhood trauma, go through the generations.
As I speak them remember that when you were child you’re very young and innocent all you knew is what mom and dad modeled to you so there’s
nothing to feel guilt or shame about.
I don’t want people to say no it didn’t happen because they’re embarrassed or they feel shame around it.
If it is a fact, if it happened write it down.
It is like putting a puzzle together. Once you know what your, childhood trauma, is and then how it’s showing up as a for you as an adult.
As a coach, I can start putting the pieces together and everything starts making a whole lot of sense.
My favorite line is you can’t change what you don’t understand.
Childhood trauma, #1
1. Addictions – as a child, did your parents have any addiction?
Now we typically think of drugs and alcohol, but there’s also sex addiction.
If your parent was a cheater or watched porn, have an eating addiction, was a hoarder,
spending or gambling, workaholic etc. There’s 11 addictive behaviors.
Childhood trauma, #2
2. Verbal abuse – Did you witness your mom and dad screaming and yelling at each other? This, Childhood trauma, is typical is yelling screaming but this also includes no verbal alkaloids, no compliments, not hearing I love you
verbally humiliated, or put down, your opinion means nothing, or statements like “you’ll never amount to anything.” Comments like that.
Childhood trauma, #3
3. Emotional abuse or Neglect – Your parents were not around, being gone for long periods of time. Research also shows latch key kids let’s say they came home from school at 3 o’clock and mom if they’re in a single household mom
had to work 9 to 5. That child is alone for two or so hours.
There’s anxiety around that. So that even falls under the neglect believe it or not. While we’re out trying to support our kids there home alone.
Childhood trauma, #4
4. Physical Abuse, Rape or Molestation – This, childhood trauma, could have happened in or outside of the home. Physical abuse is being beat hit in any way other than the typical spanking like a quick spank on the butt. Research shows that spanking does nothing to help teach your child anything, so I always say when I do parenting lectures in the schools we’re supposed to teach our child another way.
If you’re beating them or hitting them you’re teaching them to be violent back. We don’t want to do that.
Childhood trauma, #5
5. Abandonment – There’s two types, childhood trauma, from abandonment. Fault and No Fault abandonment.
Here are three examples, childhood trauma, from no-fault abandonment.
• a parent has to go off and serve at war
• a parent happens to die early
• early a parent travels away from the home a lot for work. 20:24
Here is an example of “Fault” abandonment:
• Divorce and the mom or dad leaves the home and is supposed to see the children every weekend and is either late or
cancels, does not pick up the child. The dad is spending more time with his new girlfriend than he is paying attention to you the child.
Childhood trauma, #6
6. Adoption – if you were adopted, part of the foster care system, or you needed to live with relatives because mom or dad couldn’t take care of you, that even includes Grandma’s, aunts or uncles. I had a client who signed up with me she
asks “How about if we chose to live with another family because we didn’t want to go home? I said yes that falls under this category because there was always yelling and screaming in her household so she didn’t want to go home.
Childhood trauma, #7
7. Personal trauma – This comes from being bullied, feeling different not fitting in, being a little overweight as a child or like me skinny and gawky. Many people remember being bullying not part of the sports teams.
Childhood trauma, #8
8. Sibling trauma – Your sibling could have been born with a medical issue where it demanded more of moms and dads time. Or they could be bullying you, but most often this one applies to if you perceive your sibling as being the golden child. They were more athletically beautiful or handsome or intelligent getting better grades and mom or dad gushed over
them versus you. You were always trying to prove yourself and say see I’m worthwhile too.
Childhood trauma, #9
9. Community trauma – If a parent was incarcerated, if you moved a lot like military families. In the U.S.A military families move every two to four years. Growing up in lack, growing up in dangerous neighborhoods, that’s all
family trauma and community trauma. Today we can also have, childhood trauma, if we have active volcanoes, massive fire, floods, hurricanes, mass shootings in our community.
10. Mental Health – Bipolar, Manic Depression, Hidden personalities. We have Sociopaths and narcissism is part of community trauma. Sociopathic means that they have no regard for your emotional feelings, they act on what they want, when they want without thinking about their partner or the repercussions.
I am unlike every other love coach, because I specialize in how the past has harmed you and what you’re attracting. We call it same person different face. The repetitive toxic relationships and this happens to my clients who are very successful
in business but they struggle in love. They can’t figure out why like I can get the career right,
If you would like to improve the quality of your life and don’t have the budget to hire a coach, then I have an offer for you. Why not play the game of life and learn the skills to maneuver life situations. How many of you have played the game of monopoly and learned the value of having property to collect rent?
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What happens to us as children can affect the attachment style we carry into our adult relationships. Childhood Trauma, hugely influences attachment. Often people who grew up in happy, healthy, and stable homes where caregivers were emotionally available and responsive to their needs have a secure attachment style. These people don’t push partners away or cling too tightly. While they may have troubles in their relationships, an unhealthy attachment style isn’t the cause.
How can the, Law of Attraction for couples, help you to thrive at home and at work? NYT best selling author Christy Whitman talks about thriving in your relationships this week on the “Transform your Mind with Coach Myrna” podcast.
Christy is the author of “Quantum Success 7 essential laws, for a thriving joyful and prosperous relationship with your work and money”
Before we get started, I want to give a shout out to our sponsor for today’s episode. Our sponsor today is T.Y Waterproofing serving the Atlanta area. T.Y Waterproofing has over 30 years’ experience in waterproofing and basement repairs. Let T.Y Waterproofing, waterproof your crawl spaces, slabs, remove and kill mold, install all sump pumps, and French drains. Call Timothy at 404-449-5467 for a free estimate.
Christie Whitman is a Transformational Leader, Celebrity coach, New York Times bestselling author twice, one for “The Art of Having it All” and the second for “Taming your Alpha Bitch” I love that title! Christy has appeared on The Today Show, the Morning Show, and her works have been featured in People’s magazine, Seventeen, Women’s Day, Hollywood Life, and Teen Vogue among others.
Christie is the CEO and founder of the Quantum Success Learning Academy and Quantum Success Coaching Academy a 12-month, Law of Attraction, coaching certificate program. Christie has helped thousands of people through her empowerment seminars, speeches and coaching sessions, and products.
Christy’s Journey as a Law of Attraction for Couples Coach
Myrna – That’s was a very impressive Bio. I loved reading it. As a, life coaching podcast, I am always interested in my listeners learning life skills from my guests stories. You’ve done a lot, you’re quite accomplished. Can you give us a little bit of your backstory? Tell us your journey to becoming a successful, Law of Attraction for couples, leader and, quantum success, coach .
Christy – Sure, I always had the drive to be successful, and worked with the, law of attraction, back in day about 20 years ago, before I found the other universal laws, I did what it took to take action. I had perseverance. I went after the things that I wanted. I was able to focus, using the, law of attraction for couples, but whenever I got there, I never felt satisfied.
Using the Law of Attraction for Couples to Bring you Happiness
I never felt happy, never felt like it was enough. So no matter what I accomplished, it just didn’t good. When I actually accomplished something great, it actually would feel the opposite. I remember almost feeling let down, like okay well I was supposed to have this epiphany. I was supposed to have this, amazing feeling. I would never find that feeling of satisfaction.
When I learned more about, the law of attraction for couples, about 21 years ago, I really learned about how your thoughts create your reality. I had already been successful and I had a great career going. I was making money and yet, just wasn’t satisfied. I just felt like all the things that I was told would make me happy it wasn’t working and I was starting to think like what’s wrong with me.
I thought if I had money, if I had the career, if I had a boyfriend, if I had this great body, look a certain way, then I would be happy, and none of the outer things were doing it for me. It was when I found a sense of myself, through meditation on the, law of attraction for couples, and through really returning to myself, stopped focusing outward on everything and everyone outside of me, a healthy selfish me.
I found I was coming back to myself. I started paying attention to the thoughts that I was thinking, that was activating, the law of attraction for couples, and how I was feeling and what I really came to understand, what my body of work really has been now, is that I have to be very mindful of that no matter what situation we’re in, we can always find peace.
How the Law of Polarity interacts with the Law of Attraction
The law of Polarity, there’s a lot of things to appreciate and be grateful for. That’s what my bodywork has been. My whole training for last 21 years has been really sensing within myself where I am. Thinking thoughts of lack and limitation, where I comparing myself to other people. I look at other people and go oh my GOD, there’s so much more successful than me and then start feeling bad about myself and feeling like what I’ve accomplished is not enough.
Or do I compare myself to what other people are making? Or what impacts are my thought having? Those are times to check myself, look for what’s right and good about my life and about my family and everything in my life versus what’s wrong and bad.
These are a different training and a different mindset to come from a perspective of abundance instead of lack and limitation, and that’s really where my internal work has been. Each time I shift up belief, a thought, a perspective from lack and limitation to one of abundance, my life just expands and explodes.
So those are the principles that I write about in my new book, Quantum Success, is that we’re all searching for some type of success, and the accolades. You know what society says is this is accomplished, then you’ll feel successful and a lot of people get there, and they feel empty, they feel like that it doesn’t have much meaning in their lives or they’re not feeling satisfied or fulfilled.
The truth is that as long as we’re chasing things outside of ourselves we’re always projecting our happiness or our fulfillment outside of ourselves. Fulfillment is never outside of ourselves, it’s within ourselves and it’s in the present moment. where all of our power exists.
How does The Law of Attraction for Couples Help in Relationships
Myrna – My first question is How does understanding your belief system help women and men who are functioning at high levels in their career or own their own business, but they’re still struggling to find contentment or happiness? How does understanding the, law of attraction for couples, help? How does understanding, quantum success, principles help in relationships?
Christy – Our beliefs are one of the ways that we create. I mean when you think about it, when we have a belief and there is such a conviction that this is so, that this is the way it is, we will create that’s what we are expecting to receive. It’s what we are expecting life to give us. We can’t create outside of our beliefs. If we believe that something good is going to happen, we then create something good.
There’s an underlying belief that what we are creating we the deserve. We’re not deserving or whatever it is; but we are always creating attracting things from the beliefs that we hold and here’s the good news. If we look at our lives and we’re not satisfied, we need to shift what we’re not satisfied about. Look at what the contrast is in our life, what we don’t want and allow that to be the springboard for what we do want.
I always ask myself when I’m finding a situation or circumstance happening in my life, I always ask myself what would I have to believe in order to create this? How does understanding the, law of attraction, facilitate my knowledge?
How Journaling helps Relationships
It’s an empowering question. I recommend even journaling about it because a lot of times if you sit there and if you haven’t done this practice before, you will not come up with an answer. I would take 10 mins with paper and I would journal. In order to create this situation what would I have to believe? What would I have to think? What would I have to be feeling in order to attract this?
You become more self-aware. I mean it’s really the process of self-awareness and when we can slow down enough to pay attention to ourselves, that is the richest thing that we can do. Not only are we connecting with ourselves, which most of us don’t do these days we’re so busy with so much going on our lives, we need to take the time to slow down and connect with our own self, to know ourselves, to know what you believe about this and that. Beliefs are not either right or wrong. This is a, life coaching podcast, so I will answer with life coaching tips.
I love when you said that most people are not conscious. As a Guyanese, I want this to also be a, Guyana podcast, Most people including Guyanese people, do not understand the, law of attraction, You use the word self-awareness which is another term for consciousness. I’ve spent a lot of time with that word in meditation and being aware. I live in higher consciousness, personal development, yet at my level right now, I will not be able to look at a situation and figure out how I created it.
I’m not there yet, but I’m in the less than 1% of the world that actually are working on self-awareness, consciousness and, personal development, As a, life coaching podcast, I teach my clients basically that whatever they want, they can create. It starts with their thoughts and starts with their belief system. You and I are both, personal development, coaches and one of the first things I do in my coaching sessions, the first couple of weeks is basically we talk about beliefs and we look back at past behaviors. You can actually figure out what you believe from how you have navigated situations in your past.
The Law of Attraction for Couples and the Universal Laws
What exactly is the, Law of Attraction, and why is it important to know the universal laws and, quantum success? The, Law of Attraction for couples, for me when I learned about it completely changed my life and the reason that they completely changed my life or that my life completely changed is because they’re for me like knowing the rules of the game or knowing the recipe to a really good cake or you know the plans to build a house.
I always say how successful would you be if you were going to go play baseball and you never saw the game before? You never knew how it was played? You don’t know what the rules are. Someone hands you a bat and says okay hit the ball. You can’t play the game if you don’t understand the rules of the game. What to do when you hit the ball? How can you get thrown out etc.
Life is similar, you have to learn the rules of the game, you have to learn the playbook. The first step is about learning these, essential universal laws and the, law of attraction, and applying them so that you become the deliberate creator of your life instead of being a victim of circumstances. There’s always going to be some kind of circumstance or situation or event or person that shapes our experiences.
It’s what we do with those experiences the perspectives that we hold, that will determine what we continue to attract in our lives. So the more you learn about these, essential laws of the universe and, the law of attraction. Knowing these universal laws is knowing the rules of the game.
The Seven Universal Laws
I try to make myself a million dollars by working with the, law of attraction, and the seven essential universal laws. We live in a vibratory universe, our universe is all about vibration. Modern science and quantum physics have now proven that everything from a human being to a rock is full of energy. Everything is energy, our thoughts our feelings, what we say, what we do, everything is coming out of us like an energy tower and we as an individual person are sending out energy signals all day every day.
The, Law of Attraction, is just matching those signals that we send out, and giving us more of the same. Now it’s not a tit-for-tat kind of thing, it’s not like oh I told someone they were a jerk and now someone’s going to call me on a jerk. It’s not like that literal, but if you’re sending out negative vibes you could be in traffic and someone could cut you off and you’re experiencing road rage, that negativity for example that wave of negativity will then cast out a returning wave of negativity to you.
So we have to be mindful about the energy that we are sending out. The thoughts that we think, the language we use. We don’t feel good when we’re sending bad vibes out, so using feelings helps makes for better choices.
For example, language like I choose not to put up with this marriage anymore. I choose not to be treated like that anymore. I choose not to waste my money or spend my money on this right now. Those are more empowering ways and languages that we can use that actually do make a difference in what we attract. The, Law of Attraction for couples, is really a mirror reflection. I like to think of it as a boomerang, it’s like what you’re sending out it’s coming back to you.
The most important law from the seven essential laws of the universe, I believe is the, Law of Sufficiency and Abundance. This law states that everything in the universe is abundant. Most of us are experiencing abundance of lack or pain or suffering, but the universe is always going to give us an abundance.
If you look at nature and look at trees you can’t say we can’t possibly count the amount of leaves that are on a tree or how many waves crash up again against the shore in the ocean, or count the raindrops that are coming down from the sky. The universe has always functioned in abundance, and to get what you want from the law is called sufficiency and abundance, it’s being in a satisfied place.
It’s coming from sufficiency. You get there by appreciating and looking for the good. In your life right now, in any situation, I don’t care what it is you can find the good things about it. The law of Polarity says that every subject is really two subjects, it’s the halving of it, or the not having of it. It’s the lack of it or the abundance of it, and when we can deliberately choose how we want to focus, what we want to believe, what we want to appreciate, or not.
How Gratitude engages the Law of Attraction for Couples
Were the ones in charge of which area, what side of the spectrum, we want to be on any given subject, but the doorway into abundance is sufficiency. You start by practicing gratitude. I first started doing gratitude meditation, I would literally walk around and think of a hundred things a day, listing all of the things that I was grateful for and that would raise my vibration, it would make me feel so good and things started, almost like magic, would start being attracted into my life.
Another thing you can do is think about one thing you’re grateful for and think of 20 things or reasons why and it’s not lip service, it’s not like I’m grateful for my husband and I’m grateful my kids, there’s no energy behind that, there’s no pain, you have to feel the emotion. Doesn’t work unless you feel. That’s why affirmations work for some people, and they don’t work for other people because people are like I’m abundant, but there’s no energy.
The other Universal Laws
These are seven essential laws of The Universe:
• The Law of Attraction,
• The Law of Allowing,
• The Law of Pure Potentiality ,
• The law of Oneness,
• The Law of Balance and Harmony,
• The Law of Sufficiency and Abundance,
These universal laws, when you apply them and learn how to work with them, they will absolutely change your life.
The Universe sends human beings countless signs and symbols over the course of their lives, and if you are able to comprehend them, you’ll be able to sense when you’re on your destined path in life—and when you’re not. Please read the list below to make sure you haven’t missed any vital info, and to ensure that you’re on the right journey.
You’re jealous and you’re envious, that is a blockage because it means that you believe that is universe does not have enough for the both of you. if you say I’m happy for my friend, because this world is abundant and she’s not taking my job, there’s more available for me, and you’re happy and you celebrate that person’s success, what that’s saying is that you believe that the world is abundant.
You believe that whatever God can do for her, he is going to do for you, and that’s where a lot of people don’t get it. They’re always envious and they’re always catty and they’re jealous and they can’t celebrate your success. Abraham talks about this. She talks about contrast, she says go out there and look for contrast, look for things that you don’t have and say that’s what I want and be happy for that person. But most people don’t live there. The do not understand the, the essential laws of attraction.
We’ve been talking about the, law of attraction, the playbook, personal development, quantum success, and making this a Guyana podcast, for my people.
Be aware of fear and desire. Awareness helps balance them ~ Deepak Chopra
To get a FREE copy of Christy’s book, Head over to iTunes snd leave a review for the Transform Your Mind with coach Myrna podcast, then head over to www.quantumsuccessbook.com and Kristy will send you her new book when it comes out in September for free. All you do is pay for shipping. Kristy will be back for one more episode.
“How to Find love, second time around,” Transform Your Mind podcast
Do you feel the need to do more with your life? Are limiting beliefs holding you
back from true success? Enjoy a unique blend of interviews discussions and
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Today my guest is Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is a
best-selling author, award-winning motivational speaker, and relationship
expert, specializing in, second time around, today we’re going be talking on
the topic “How to find your diamond the, second time around,” I am
going to enjoy talking to you because I’ve been around more than twice!
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Let me tell you more about my guest Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is the founder
of Dating Diamonds, a service that empowers women to meet the right man the
second time around. She is the creator of the “First Date the Soulmate Program” and since she has helped over 500 women meet the right man by designing a
personalized plan. She helps them implement that plan. She’s polished the art of
relationship in her 40 year marriage to her soulmate husband. Her strategy
benefits men too, after all the more knowledge you have the more you can
thrive. Her clients can be found in major cities including Sydney, Washington DC,
Sacramento and San Francisco. She mentors women to use the story of their lives to create the relationship they choose the second time around.
Patricia has her master’s degree in American literature and an adult IDI
credential from San Francisco State University.
She holds coaching credentials from the Academy of Excellence and the
Windless Institute. She is a certified matchmaker with the matchmaker Institute and, second time around, coach.
Patricia also produced and hosted the TV show called the Patricia Fuqua show, a
platform for using intuitive and spiritual practices as guides for better
Well Patricia that is a very excellent Bio, it covers a lot of territory.
I always like to start off my show asking my guests of their journey to this point in their career. Can you talk about your journey to becoming a relationship expert and author specializing in the second time around? I know that you’ve been married for years and I need to say congratulations right off the top because that is quite
an accomplishment; but how did you transcend your own relationship to
becoming a coach?
Well, now I’ve honed and polished my communication skills; but it wasn’t
always this way. There was a time in my marriage when I
was depressed because I was juggling career and the needs of young children
and my husband. I got really depressed because I was
really feeling sorry for myself and then I got mad went into
this deep funk. It wasn’t until I discovered that I had the choice to be
happy or to be sad that I started to turn myself around. It wasn’t my husband
it wasn’t my children, it wasn’t my job, it wasn’t my life. It was the way I was
looking at it so, when I discovered that I could be happy as a choice as well as
being sad, I started to reach for
better feeling thoughts, finding something good about everything and
anytime somebody made me upset or I felt overwhelmed. I said okay so what’s the
silver lining here? I started to get answers and so as I
discovered the power of choosing how I was going to feel about any situation or
any person or relationship I said to myself this I have to share with the
rest of the women in my life, because we could be so much happier if we only knew we could just choose to do it. I have the technique to show them so that’s when I became inspired to start coaching women because I love happy
people. I just love being around happy people and helping them
learn to be happy. Helping them to have more love in their lives.
I always been a spiritual person studying spiritual practices, some people would
say religion, and always I wanted to be in alignment with source, some people
would say God, Universe, Higher Intelligence. There are many names
for that creator and so as a result that’s how I started coaching. I started
saying well this is what I’ve learned about being happy and in love, so I’m
wanting to share this with you and we can personalize it for you so that you
too can have more love and happiness in your life. And that one day that I
had this record-breaking seminar for women, it was just like they were
lined up around the table and down the aisles waiting to speak to me. I
was just giving them these nuggets of wisdoms and, second time around, nuggets that I had come to from my
reading from my study and they were walking away happy, so it was a great day.
It was it’s one of those peak experiences.
Wow that is awesome and you know a lot of people would go through that process and keep it all to
themselves, so it’s absolutely great that
you through that process realized that everything is better when you share.
That’s an overstatement, everything is better when you share. God gives
you a testimony, so that you can share and you can encourage and it’s really
profound that you had this really record-breaking experience of everybody
wanted a piece because you’ve hit on something.
Happiness is a rare quality, even when you’ve got all you want
somehow a lot of people are still not happy and you know it’s really
interesting; but I did an interview on this show with a monk
called Swami G about 2 years and this morning Facebook shared the memory.
I reposted, he was saying that happiness doesn’t come from external
Sources, just like you have figured out it comes from inside and that’s why you
know the Buddhist monks talk about enlightenment, because when you’re
enlightened you know suffering and unhappiness doesn’t come to you.
I woke up this morning with some heavy things going on in my
life and my children, and when I posted it. I said, I wish that
I myself can tap into that field today. I was meditating this morning from very early in the morning and it just didn’t
work because my mind was too busy. So, if you have
gems that help people, that is why they’re lined up because it’s something that you know we all require at some point in time. We don’t have to be depressed but some days just knock you down. Good story so I’m glad that you
were able to bottle your experiences to help others to
to get there as well. You touched on something as well about you being
very spiritual and connected to source. So my second question is how can other
women use intuitive and spiritual practices as a guide for better relationships?
Let’s just add happiness on to that.
That’s the exciting part of my practice because when I’m sharing with women the seven principles that are in the book, Second Time Around,
meditation is number one and I’m glad that you’re a meditator because even
when we feel that, oh my God my mind is so busy it didn’t make a difference, it
does make a difference because you’re quieting your mind,
and it can give you a different perspective on a situation. I’ve
learned over time that women need to or benefit from having a different
perspective on the situation, or relationship, and dating and love and
happiness because we can as a group, are very sensitive and emotional. Some
more than others, and when we can tap into that place where we’re feeling not
as positive as we could and start to look at least one positive thing
about a situation, you recognize what they’re feeling and to shift. It’s kind of
like this morning you said you woke up with heavy feelings and the meditation
didn’t feel like it was making a difference, however if it ever entered
your mind that oh well this is something I could be thankful for in this
situation, that is going to raise your emotional tone.
We get stronger at managing our feelings and eventually we get to the place where
we can move more quickly up this emotional scale to happiness or at least
optimism, and after meditation if you say to yourself oh well it wasn’t
quite as bad as I thought because B and C is in place, you move up the scale.
You are correct, this morning I didn’t come up with
any positives, but I came up with some guidance and that’s basically what
happens when you quiet your mind right the Universe, God, your
Higher self gives you some guidance and some next steps.
Some of the other principles have to do with just mining. Like gold mining your own story to figure out
what you really want to experience in relationship. Some women want to feel
pampered and protected and privileged, and you know what is it each woman needs is to discover or to remind herself what she really wants to experience in relationship. Some women are very conventional and they like the idea of
having a man play a man’s role, do the man things in in the conventional
sense, manage the house, take out the garbage,
that sort of thing. Other women want somebody to plan their
fun, so what is it that helps you feel the way you want to feel in
relationship, that you would like that other person to be doing?
That’s one of the key principles, there are seven total principles we don’t have
time to go into them all now. Meditation to manage your own
thoughts and feelings.
Awesome, alright so again we’re
touching on mindsets a little bit, so this is an interesting question for me to ask you because we’re specifically talking here about the, second time around. Women who has been divorced, the woman is maybe in a
committed relationship, maybe not necessarily married; but they’re
starting over again and your mindset is very crucial because your mindset can
actually keep you from making this a positive experience.
So what mindset do you coach your women and men then that they have to develop when they’re in the second time around?
I have the attitude that there is a lid for every pot.
That’s an old southern expression that means all they have to do is be very clear on the vision of what they want to experience and they will meet that person.
So those mindsets have to be in the present. If we’re going to develop a relationship a, second time around, that is satisfying and that can last. Having a lid and every pot means that
there’s a match for you somewhere, and if you have a clear vision on
the match you know as a coach as well any coaching whether it’s for whatever
you want just have a clear vision of it and that’s the way you attract it to you.
I was thinking that is the most important mindset that they have to develop is that they have release the baggage of the last relationship. How do you feel about that?
It’s important to be aware of the baggage of the last
relationship because it can be like a weight around your ankles pulling you
down and away from what you want. It’s also important to be able to shift
that attitude that you might have developed, that feeling about
relationship or about the opposite gender that you had. The awareness the
self-awareness of knowing what that attitude is that’s blocking you will
allow you to come up with an alternative, so that you can do the things, say the
things that will help you attract that clear vision that you have. That’s the
lid for your pot so to speak.
okay like I said in the beginning of the podcasts, I’ve been around
the block several times myself and what I have found. To clarify I have been married
like four times, what I have found is that a lot of times the baggage is
you come out of a relationship and there is a negative experience you make sure
that there’s not that a negative experience is not in your next partner;
but a lot of times you find something else right, so how do you coach women
around “hey I don’t want to have a guy like that again kind of scenario?
I understand what you’re saying and the
Law of our Universe, some people call it the Law of Attraction but the way it’s
set up is that it wants us to be happy that law is God in action or the
Universe in action or the Creator in action. We are put here to have fun
that’s the point in the studies that I have had
and so when we focus on what we really want the universe hears.
The trick becomes being able to manage your feelings and
your thoughts and your attitudes so that you’re focusing on what you really want
it doesn’t understand anything except for what you spend the most time
thinking about, so if you’re spending most of your time thinking about oh my
God that was the worst relationship ever, I never want to see a guy like that again! Well, that’s what you’re going to get more of or some variation, because you’re
spending so much time on it and that’s what a Universe is answering.
That is the perfect answer because, yes that is exactly what happens.
That’s why a lot of women go in relationships that are
almost the same because they keep attracting the same kind of man or the
same kind of relationship because they’re saying well this is this is what
I don’t want. Let’s take an example of a cheater, this is what I don’t want or
even an abusive relationship, and then you are cycling through those all the
time because they tell the universe what they don’t want and that is exactly what
shows up. I like what you said, whatever you spend time thinking about
whether it’s what you don’t want or what you do want then that’s what’s going to
show up. Excellent answer.
Patricia, who would you say is your ideal client?
My ideal client is a woman of experience and substance who has had more than one relationship, I used, second time around, because that’s a very familiar expression; but she usually has raised her children, she’s launched them
into college or into the work world and she’s comfortable in her career and in a single mom. All these years I’ve been raising the kids I’ve been taking care of other people. I have a great social life; but where is my special partner? I like this woman. I prefer this as the ideal client although men in the situation my teachings work as well; because they have had enough variety and experience they know what they want through conversation and we can plan how
their strategy is going to roll out and make it happen. I shouldn’t say
make it happen but we can work with my spiritual principles so that they’re very clear on what they want, they know how to manage their mindset, they know what they would prefer to experience, they’re open to using these practices. Example: One of my clients was sitting at an
outside cafe in my little town here of Menlo Park one afternoon with her
college son who was home for the holiday and a man saw her at this outside café,
parked his car came over to meet her. She had been trained by me who
had the strategy of being approachable, she looked radiantly beautiful; because I
said honey anytime you go out you have got to look good. People are attracted by
the visual. She was in line with that and so he came
over sat down next to her as if he were her best friend they started chatting
well as her calm was being the hostess and making him
feel comfortable; because she found out right away that he was her type of
guy. At the end of that short conversation, he passed his telephone
number to her on a napkin and said if you want to continue this just give me a
call, that was six years ago. They’re still together.
It’s about being clear, always being ready so you don’t have to
get ready and being ready for who comes into your world; so that you can check
them out and decide if you want to get to know them better.
I love the last tagline. I think Will Smith says that best he says you
should always be ready cause if you’re ready, you ain’t got to get ready.
All right now let’s get a little personal and transparent. I know
you’ve been happily married for over forty years
you talked in your BIO in your journey or your history that
there was a period of time when you were depressed, because you’re doing so much, and your happiness came after you decided that you had
a choice and it was not your husband or your kids job to make
you happy. I absolutely love that. I know this personally
because that’s the reason I’m finally happy. After
running around and trying to find happiness by having other people give it
to me, the reason I’m happy in my relationship
is because I meditate and I do me. I don’t depend on anyone
else to be to make me happy. I make myself happy; but I saw this in
print the other day when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had left her. He
cheated on her with the nanny and I think she was having an interview and
she said point blank that it was not Ben’s job to make sure that she was
happy. I’m sure a lot of people that are not in our space
wouldn’t understand that; but I absolutely loved it.
So what would you say is the reason for your marital success?
Well marital success means also that there’s a the dark side of it that there
are some times that are not successful and after years there have been times
where I haven’t been successful at being happily married and so now that I am
happily married, that I’ve gone through some things so the idea here is
every situation that has conflict in it, I have learned to ask
myself what would you prefer here Patricia? And when I get the answer to
that then I can get busy, I can start conversations. In the book, I’m leading
women to go from “first date to soul mate” with these principles and it doesn’t
stop once you meet and develop the relationship with your soulmate, the
conversations and the communication has to continue through the inevitable
conflicts that happen between two people in an intimate personal relationship. So
as a result I’ve learned to use that very powerful question
“What would you prefer here Patricia?” That tells me that I
need to start doing my practices and asking that question.
What is it you want the man to do? What it is you
want the woman to do? We don’t communicate what we want we just fight about it because we’re expecting to be mind reader’s.
As we wrap up our show today, Patricia how can our readers and listeners get in touch with you and get a copy of your book, second time around?
I would love to chat with people or let them know a link for the book and so I would ask people to just email me Patricia@datingdiamonds.com Put in the subject line “chat” or “Book” and I’ll send
you a copy of the book
which will go into some of the seven principles that I talked about.
The first step is to find your passion. This is where you find that you can be in it all day long and you don’t feel tired and you don’t feel bored and you’re just illuminated and just joyful and and it’s a great way to live your life. You know when you live a passionless life just because you’re making money does not mean that you are living with passion.
Let me share a personal story. My daughter Keshia Morris Desir always felt that she was supposed to be a Psychologist, getting her degree and everything. Along that journey she read Nelson’s Mandela’s book “A long walk to freedom” and decided that she needed to become a political advocate and she just switched right away. She applied and got into American University, the top political science university with no background in politics.
Today she’s working for a company right next door to the White House, and doing some great great work at Common Cause.
I didn’t even think about that until right now and that’s what I like about the Holy Spirit or of my Higher Self
things pop into my head. It is also an example of leaning your ladder up against the wrong building!
My next question is a follow-up to the first and it is do you agree that we’re all meant to do a certain thing on this earth? And what is your advice to, Millennial, on finding their, purpose? How Can, Millennials, Find Their, Purpose?
Let’s say using my daughter story that she didn’t know what her, purpose, was as a, millennial. She went to school and maybe felt psychology was a job that can make her money that’s where a lot of, Millennials, Park right? So what advice do you give them?
To answer your first question in terms of do I think we’re all here to do something, yes I definitely believe that we individually are all here to bring some value or offer something back to the world. I believe some of us it takes longer than others but; I do believe we are all here to accomplish something and I think we probably give different weight to what we accomplish. Just because what you believe it is something small it can be transformational to somebody else. In terms of what I believe, Millennials, can do in terms of finding their, purpose, I actually think it starts with a very simple concept and that is honestly taking time to think and to plan and I think. When we sit back and you when you look at your life if you plan it with the level of detail that you plan for example a vacation you’d be surprised about you know how much how differently you might view things.
I recommend taking one hour a week to evaluate where you are and where you want to go.
The timeline might be where I want to go this week, it might be where I want to go in the next year, in the next two years or five years from now. Whatever time period I feel I need to think about it and plan for at that time for example if you’re thinking, I hate my job, it’s not fulfilling this is not my, purpose. Then you know think about what would make you feel more purposeful? What are the types of positions or jobs that you would like to be in? And then what are the steps that you need to take to get there. Do you need to you know go back to school? Do you need to join a networking group?
My daughter came to me one day and said that she wants to become a politician and I look at her this sweet innocent person that had no politician skills or natural talents and I said to her
“How do you get there how do you get from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow?”
As her coach we planned it
Toastmasters and learn how to speak in front of people,
school for political science,
volunteer so she can get some political experience and things like that so yeah and you got to make a
plan and the beautiful thing about it you know is that it might feel far-fetched but you never know if it’s really your purpose the universe, God will step in and help you get there. That’s why when my daughter applied to American University she said she only had a 30% chance of being accepted. She said I’ll apply there’s no hope that I’m gonna get in and guess what she got in because she’s on, purpose, because God helps you if you are on, purpose!
Don’t ever think that anything is too big for God.
Les Brown says reach for the the stars, you might fallback on the moon!
I agree. One of my favorite quotes is
If your dreams don’scare you, they’re not big enough.
You have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable and that’s really I think when you accept that, it will help you in finding your, purpose.
Especially if you’re not currently living what you believe to be your, purpose. I like that one I mean you you talked
about it before you must really live by that and it’s very true you know when my daughter went to Washington she was incredibly uncomfortable, she was in a city that she didn’t know anyone, she was going into something that she didn’t
know anything about and it was uncomfortable and that’s only way you grow.
Alright so and this is coming from your book, you’ve got a chapter in your book about your giving advice and strategies and how, Millennials, can achieve their goals in the workplace; but I like the word hustle that you used to describe this. You advise to hustle to get what you want in this world. I think when you hustle you have to you have to be hungry you have to really want it. You have to be motivated and so I think to your point earlier, when it’s something that you truly want and you feel passionate about or you really wanted to achieve the hustle actually comes fairly easy at least in the
beginning because you know you most likely will accept that challenge and want to go after it. Where it becomes a challenging I would say is consistently hustling, always having that thirst, that hunger to push yourself further and
that sometimes can be where we tend to fall off. That’s human nature, you have to learn to hold yourself accountable and to make sure that you are you’re hitting your own personal benchmarks and hitting your own personal goals. And so a good way to keep the hustle mentality I would say is to make sure that you have measurable things that you want to do and so that way you’ve got a way to check yourself.
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What do you have in your hand? God used the staff Moses had in his hand to help his achieve his purpose.
I use that analogy because when you’re finding
your, purpose, you mentioned what are your interests and what excites you but
I’m going to add to that what are you good at. What’s your natural ability?
What’s your natural talent? Because that’s what you have in your hand.
Ray Charles was born blind and he just picked up a piano and played. But
but some of us has to do these stepping stones.
What is Adulting.
In your book, in fact your book is called “the, Millennial’s, playbook, adulting” Can you explain
what you mean by, adulting, and how that relates to how to find your, purpose?
Adulting, is actually a it’s a, millennial, term.
Social media usually uses funny hashtags like
I’m doing laundry hashtag #adulting pain pills #adulting. I’m over
#adulting. Adulting, is really just the idea of growing up frankly and taking on new
responsibilities and transitioning into an adult. I would say being more
independent and if in terms of how can a dull teen connect to her purpose? I
think that one of the things I you know in my coaching is what did I tell people
and tell the, Millennial, that I work with is when you are transitioning into an adult
you are now the owner of your life. I actually say you’re the CEO of ME
Incorporated and part of that is determining what you want to do and so it’s no longer what your
parents what you to do or what your teachers or grandparents want you to do.
All of these influencers who have really directed you for the majority of
your life so far this next phase of your life is really about running your own life
like a CEO. A CEO runs her company as she sees fit. and so you know I think often times there
are, Millennials, who are in professions because that’s what their
parents wanted them to do or that’s what was expected of them or that’s what they
said they were going to do and they were embarrassed to change their
minds. Well if you want to change your mind, it is now up to you to do so. That’s
part of being an adult. It’s unlikely that someone is going to come
to you and to say I think that you need to change your
passion or your job. So I would just encourage, Millennials,
especially to think about what they want out of life.
Don’t for others to direct your path, certainly others can help lead
you in the direction that you want to go to, and I am a firm believer of
leveraging a personal board of advisers and your mentors and people
around you to help you and to guide you and to get feedback. But it is
really up to you to do the exercises, to do the work, and to decide where you want
to go next or where you want to take your life professionally.
On the first page of your book you made
the humorous statement and I quote
“Dear Universe I miss the how to be an adult 101 class, send help and my mom and wine”
I thought that was humorous. So my question to you is which, adulting, class did you
think that you missed and have the most struggle with?
Probably for me it’s the financial class. I
actually spoke to a group of, Millennials, yesterday as part
of a fellowship program and one of the questions they asked was can you tell me about managing my finances?
I admitted to them that managing my finances especially when I was younger
and like 20 was very difficult. I sort of used my debit card like a gift card, just
charge and see how much it is. So and that wasn’t that wasn’t smart
decision making and I think that as I’ve grown up I’ve been forced
to become much more financially literate. I just don’t mean you know okay I
save money now that that’s that’s not being fighting totally financially
literate I mean really understanding you know what’s coming in what’s going out
I’m having that data point and now you know there’s lots of apps that can help
you figure that out as well as understanding what’s the best way to say
it’s my money what are what are you know but ways that I can you know increase
increase my my my salary or my revenue streams besides just my day-to-day
nine-to-five job understanding the stock market understanding you know investments and
things like that especially being an entrepreneur really understanding those
types of things are really important and so I think that I came from a very
traditional family that was you put some money in a saving account you do that
every single week and you will likely not you know that’s the best thing you
won’t go poor that’s how you do it but that but there’s so much more to that
and so that was part of the I would say the, adulting, class that there I have I
had to say have one that I did not get that I probably you know still learning
but you know came to me much much later in life that I think is very critical
um to proper adult thing yeah that’s actually pretty good you know I helped
my daughter a lot with that but I’m just learning that now in my 50s so I
understand that because you know our parents certainly didn’t sit down and
teach us because they didn’t even know themselves so that was a perfect answer
I love it alright so tell our listeners how they can get in touch her to you if
they want any kind of coaching or to purchase a copy of your book sure you