Building true, confidence, after the betrayal of a partner is a gradual process. How to be confident, after a, divorce, is a gradual process. No one is going to turn into a positive, self-confident, person overnight. But if you’re in need of a place to start, here are 6 tips on, how to be confident, after losing your man.
This week on Transform your Mind podcast with Coach Myrna, I interview Confidence mentor Di Ridell. Di is going to talk to us today on the subject “7 Ways to get your, confidence, back after a, divorce, of death of a spouse.”
10 Tips on How to Build Confidence:
1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
The worst thing you can do is compare yourself to others. I know from experience that this is a, self-confidence, killer, especially if you are comparing yourself to someone younger. Remember that you’re only seeing the surface of their lives and looks, not the underlying reality. Focus instead on what’s important–your own strengths and goals.
2. Keep your limiting beliefs at bay.
Even the most successful people with healthy relationships have limiting beliefs about themselves, but the biggest difference is that they choose to focus on their strengths and possibilities instead of their limits.
3. Live in a positive reality.
Don’t say anything about yourself that you don’t want to become a reality. Positive thoughts and words alone won’t make you a more, confident, person, but, confident, people do think a lot of positive things about themselves. Remind yourself of what you’re capable of and what you’ve already accomplished.
4. Don’t mask it.
Self-confidence, isn’t the impression you give others; but how you feel about yourself. It’s all about who you are, where you are, and where you want to be in your own life and relationships.
5. Change what you can.
Confident, people know they cannot change the past, but they can change the future. They make daily choices that lead them toward the future they want to live out.
6. Be fully committed.
Be fully committed to doing whatever you can to build your success every single day, accepting full responsibility for your life. If it gets uncomfortable, you’re probably on the right track! Don’t procrastinate, do what it takes without agonizing or drama.
7. Practice Self Love
8. Take action to get back on the horse. Don’t isolate yourself
9. Have a Level 5 Friend to share your darkest thoughts
10. Complete yourself and not wait for someone to complete you
The nature of confidence
You should not allow your, confidence, to be dictated by someone else’s feelings in any facet of your daily life. Your feelings are just as valid as theirs, and you should never allow someone else to sink yours like an anchor, just because you have been through the, divorce, experience.
Your behavior should not be driven by the emotions of anyone, especially your ex-spouse. They may attempt to reenter the picture for whatever reason, and while that reason may be valid and may need to be dealt with, there is no reason you should allow their thoughts and their feelings to bring you down or shatter any progress you have made in rebuilding your confidence.
You cannot and should not allow yourself to be manipulated in this way. If you sense that the conversation is headed in a direction that you are not comfortable with, it is imperative that you exercise some, self-love, and remove yourself from any narrative that would damage your post-divorce recovery process.
You need to be able to believe in your ability to rebuild your life and move forward. After a, divorce, you may begin to question your ability to make life decisions, but do not let one setback color your perspective and prevent you from making these types of calls.
Whether it is through your job, your friends, your family, or a new relationship, you can make different aspects of your new life matter and move past the negativity of a dysfunctional and unhappy marriage. Your productivity in starting over and taking each step to a new future is something you should be proud of and should give you the, confidence, boost you need to take additional steps.
Research shows that, hardcore happiness, leads to a wide range of benefits for our performance, health, relationships and more. So, rather than success being the key to, hardcore happiness, research shows that, happiness, could in fact be the key to success. Indeed, hardcore happiness, also brings substantial benefits for society as a whole. For example, a review of more than 160 studies found “clear and compelling evidence” that happier people have better overall health and live longer than their less happy peers.
Welcome to the Mindset Transformation blog and podcast with Coach Myrna Young. Today my guest is Swami Brahmananda Saraswati. Swami G as he is affectionately called, has a mission to help over one million people find, Hardcore Happiness, and true success. He has designed a master class on How to find hardcore happiness and true success.
At the end of the, hardcore happiness, training you will have learned:
How to find your purpose,
How to live your life to the fullest and achieve happiness here and now,
without having to wait/delay or postpone feeling vibrantly alive every day!
In keeping with the theme of my podcast and blog, I always like to leave you with a tip of the week from Coach Myrna.
Finding Hardcore Happiness from Fulfillment
This week my tip of the week comes from the book by Deepak Chopra, The 7 Levels of Fulfillment.
Happiness comes from fulfillment, Deepak Chopra’s book the 7 Levels of Fulfillment, references 7 ways to find happiness from fulfillment.
In order for us to find fulfillment we must be Open and Activate or awaken our inner sources of calm, love, and truth,
Spiritual awakening is natural. The process is like waking up in the morning and opening your eyes to the light.
There are, seven levels of Fulfillment, When you are fully connected to the light of being which is the light of the self.
There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond the highest heavens,
This is the light that shines within you.
1: The First level of fulfillment is pure potentiality
2: The 2nd level is Fulfillment from Giving
3: The 3rd level is Fulfillment from Sowing and Reaping
4: The 4th level is Fulfillment from Love
5: The 5th level is Fulfillment from The Desires of your Heart
6: The 6th level is Fulfillment from Detachment
7: the 7th level Fulfillment from being on purpose
Introduction to Using Meditation to find Happiness
• Swami Brahmananda Saraswati was raised in India and at age 4 began studying with ascended masters in an ashram in the Himalayas. By age 12 he was teaching, yoga, and, meditation, at the ashram’s yoga school. In 2009 Swami left India to study pre-medicine at a university in Iowa: Maharishi University of Management. He has taught 1000s of people yoga, meditation, and Ayurveda. Now he wants to bring happiness to an even larger audience. Swami is warm and gentle teacher full of light and enthusiasm.
He was taught powerful practices that have been independently validated by science to be beneficial to human health including stress reduction, enhanced well-being, creativity and productivity. His compassionate and knowledgeable approach to teaching allows full spectrum learning. He says often we have 100% freedom and 100% responsibility, and this world is dominated by action. Through his teachings and exercises many people have transformed their lives by improving their health and helping them become more deeply connected to themselves.
In this podcast Swami G answers the following questions:
• What is happiness?/ How do I know if I’m happy?
Happiness, is an emotional state characterized by feelings of joy, satisfaction, contentment, and, fulfillment. While happiness has many different definitions, it is often described as involving positive emotions and life satisfaction.
When most people talk about, hardcore happiness, they might be talking about how they feel in the present moment, or they might be referring to a more general sense of how they feel about life overall.
Because, hardcore happiness, tends to be such a broadly defined term, psychologists and other social scientists typically use the term ‘subjective well-being’ when they talk about this emotional state. Just as it sounds, subjective well-being tends to focus on an individual’s overall personal feelings about their life in the present.
• Why does happiness matter?
Research shows that, hardcore happiness, leads to a wide range of benefits for our performance, health, relationships and more. So, rather than success being the key to, hardcore happiness, research shows that, happiness, could in fact be the key to success. Indeed, hardcore happiness, also brings substantial benefits for society as a whole. For example, a review of more than 160 studies found “clear and compelling evidence” that happier people have better overall health and live longer than their less happy peers.
The sad truth is that in recent decades we have become substantially richer but no happier. We have reached the point where mental health is one of our greatest social challenges – causing more of the suffering in our society than either unemployment or poverty. This is why increasing numbers of policymakers and leaders are now calling for measures of progress to be based on human wellbeing and happiness, not just economic factors such as growth in GDP.
• Does the Happiness Formula work for everyone
The, happiness formula, does work for everyone. Here is the formula. Seligman soon came up with a formula for happiness, H=S+C+V, where happiness (H) is the sum of a person’s genetic capacity for happiness (S), their circumstances (C), and factors under their voluntary control (V)
So Let me ask you this question. Are you Happy?
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For all my listeners who sign up for the Happiness training, send me an email to email@example.com and I will send you a bonus gift of my “Mindset Shift Focus Wheel workbook” You need a mindset shift in order to be happy in the present moment regardless of your circumstance.
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Take control of your thoughts and attitudes with a, positive mindset. Get rid of ANTS, Automatic Negative Thoughts.
All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~Buddha
Imagine your mind as a garden. Positive thoughts and a, positive mindset, are the beautiful flowers that brighten your life. Negative thoughts, are the ugly weeds that spread and suffocate your happiness, by cutting off sunlight. Just like plants we need sunlight to thrive.
Negative thoughts, can take the form of:
prophesying or any thought that makes you feel bad!
You need to kill the ANTS, Automatic Negative Thoughts
Automatic Negative thoughts of Fear –
Fear, is defined as False Events Appearing Real, is the number one reason that we don’t achieve success in this life. Fear, of the unknown, that feeling of uncertainty. Fear, is the bottom feeder of all the, negative emotions. When you are living in, fear, you feel very bad and you attract more bad things into your experience.
One way to Kill these, automatic negative thoughts, is to develop a, positive mindset. Imagine what is the worst that could happen and develop, positive thinking, about the outcome. Face the, fear, in your mind and say death where is your sting! Take it to your subconscious and dream about it. Once you face, fear, it loses its hold on you. Talk back to this, fear. Move up the emotional scale with anyone of the, negative emotions. Eg. You can become angry that your spouse is treating you a certain way, instead of being afraid of being alone if you left the relationship. See yourself alone and loving it.
There is also a positive side to this ANT.
If you are afraid of losing something be it your spouse, your job, your home; it tells you that these things are important to you and that you should do everything in your power to keep them. For example: if you fear losing your spouse, then you should work on keeping the marriage fresh, you should keep yourself attractive and don’t let yourself get to 300 lbs, serve your spouse and make him/her feel special.
Automatic Negative thoughts of Self-doubt
Lack of self-confidence is a very powerful, ANT. One of the most essential character traits to have is self-confidence. It is sexy and it allows you to command attention. When these, automatic negative thoughts, are telling you that you are not good enough; you will not get that promotion because you don’t have a degree, for example. Talk back to it and tell it that you are the best person for the job and that it is their loss if they don’t hire you. If you don’t, you will never move from where you are today. You will never be an over achiever or the top sales person on a team! You need self-confidence to achieve success.
Have a Positive mindset and get rid of Guilt –
Guilt, is a result of your conscience telling you that you have violated your own core value. It is telling you that you did something that is moving you away from your predetermined goal. You can talk back to these, automatic negative thoughts, by telling it that you have recognized your mistake and that you have forgiven yourself. Don’t let the, guilt, and shame arrest you and keep you in bondage. A lot of people wash away this guilt with drugs and alcohol.
Automatic Negative Thoughts of Anger –
Anger, ANTS, keep telling you that someone had no right to do something. The more you think about it, the angrier you get. Psychologists say that anger is like an iceberg. What you see is just the tip, that there is more ice for miles below the surface. If you are conscious that you have an, Anger problem, then you should understand (with the help of a Therapist) what is causing your anger. You can talk back to this, ANT, and tell it that you cannot control what someone else does; the only person you can control is yourself.
Automatic Negative Thoughts of Blame –
The blame, ANT, can be very destructive. When you blame others for the results you are having in your life, you assume the role of the victim. As the victim, you have no power to facilitate change. You talk back to this, ANT, by becoming a Player. As a Player you take back control. Regardless of what the dealer is showing, you can still win! You are not the product of your circumstances. Everyone has a story. It is how you handle adversity and challenges that define and grow you. In my book “Out of the Snares” I never blamed my childhood abuser. I instead chose to look at the positives I learned from that experience. Life is full of good and evil. Every evil person has a good side and every good person has an evil side.
Have a Positive Mindset and stop Prophesying –
The prophesying, automatic negative thoughts, talks to you about what it knows about the future! It tells you things like “you are never going to close that sale”. “The customer is going to string you along and they will never buy” or “it is never going to work out”. You can talk back to this, ANT, by declaring that IT cannot predict the future. It does not have a crystal ball!
Once you learn to recognize these, automatic negative thoughts, and learn to deal with them by sending them packing, then you can replace them with, Positive Thoughts. Positive thoughts, are like flowers, they beautify your garden and bring smiles to anyone who stops and pays attention to their beauty. In a similar way, positive mindset, make you beautiful to anyone who you have interpersonal relations with. But the beauty of a, positive mindset, is that they make you feel good. Like attracts like and before you know it, you have an abundance of good things becoming part of your experience.
I’ve seen firsthand how dangerous it is to let the weeds of, negative thinking, take over your mind. Just like in a natural garden, it you left the weeds unattended, they thrive more than the flowers or plants. In a similar way when you allow the, ANTS, to run free in your head; they snuff out all the joy from your life. All you then see is darkness, because they are blocking the sunlight from getting in!
In my book “Out of the Snares” I share with you, my readers, the principles of the Bible and the Universal Laws or Truths that I stood on to keep a, positive mindset. Order your copy today.https://myhelps.us/book-order/
Do you know that your, core beliefs, affect everything you do in life? Well it’s true. What you believe is how you show up in every circumstance in your life.
Listen to full interview here:
For example: Do you consistently find yourself in situations where men are trying to bully you or treat you less than you are worth? It may because of a, core belief, that started with how your father treated your mother or even you.
Introduction Core Beliefs
Your, core belief, could be that you are a victim and that belief keeps you trapped in that story.
The thing about a, core belief, is that it cannot be easily changed.
Here is a quote from Tony Robbins that explains the power of, core beliefs,:
“All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in, core beliefs. So how do we change? The most effective way is to get your brain to associate massive pain to the old belief. You must feel deep in your gut that not only has this, core belief cost you pain in the past, but it’s costing you in the present and, ultimately, can only bring you pain in the future. Then you must associate tremendous pleasure to the idea of adopting a new, empowering belief.”
We all have existing, core beliefs, in four areas:
How we feel love,
how we feel security, and
Life after death.
Your, core beliefs, can’t be changed simply by throwing out an old one and adopting a new one, like changing your wardrobe. The change must come at the level of self-awareness to help you achieve any goal.
Examples of, Positive Core Beliefs
A, positive core belief, is pure and direct. It gives you a clear sense of who you are. It isn’t confused, conflicted, or compromised. Let’s take steps to make this the kind of, core belief, you are activating. Step one is to bring your, core beliefs, into awareness. The four key beliefs you want to activate are:
I am loving and lovable.
I am worthy.
I am safe and trusting.
I am fulfilled and whole.
The bible teaches that for God to answer prayer you must first believe and have faith that God is first able and willing to give you the desires of your heart; but there are ways to improve the chances that God will answer your prayer. A prayer is a special kind of intention or, core belief. Therefore, the rules that apply to the, Power of intentions, which are rules about consciousness, apply.
Your prayer will be answered, or not, depending on events happening out of sight – but not out of mind. The mind furnishes the mechanics of making any intention come true. An intention or prayer request, sent to God needs faith to rocket it to the heavens. An intention to graduate at the top of your class or to marry the man of your dreams takes focus, diligence and action. The bible also teaches “Faith Without Works Is Dead”.
Are you rejecting love because of your, core belief?
If you have not found love even after several tries, then you have to look deeply at what you are doing to push love away. Do you have a, core belief, that you are unlovable? How much pain is that belief causing you? It will take a lot of work; but you have to believe that God’s light shines in you and that you deserving of love and happiness.
Do you feel empty inside all the time even though you have all the outward symbols of success like a nice home, a loving husband, a good job, 2 kids and a dog? Then your, core belief, could be that you need to make a contribution to the world like Mother Theresa or like Nelson Mandela to feel fulfilled. You have to change that, core belief, that maybe your purpose is to support your children and help them to fulfill their purpose in the world. Sometimes our role in God’s kingdom is not to change the world but to change one person!
Here is A Self-Awareness Exercise to help you understand Your, Core Beliefs,
Look upon what’s happening now in your life as a reflection of your, core beliefs.
Listen to yourself. Once you figure it out, then turn it around. Ask yourself:
What do I want?
What would I have to believe in order to have this?
Next, you’re going to re-program yourself.
You may need the help of a coach like, Myrna Young, or mentor but; self-awareness is the key to changing your, core beliefs,
As Tony Robbins says, you must associate tremendous pleasure to your new, core belief, For example. See yourself in a loving and fulfilling relationship, going on dream vacations and having a wonderful life together and believe that you are a woman any man can love!
Our Cognitive Bias: Construction Of The Self-Concept
Self-concept refers to how one perceives themselves, their past experiences, their abilities, their prospects for the future, and any other aspect of the self. Aaron Beck’s cognitive triad, discussed below, deals with self-concept and the construction of the self. The basic idea of how our self-concepts and cognitive biases affect our lives has to do with automatic thoughts.
For example, someone with a negative “self-referential schema” is more likely to take things personally, leading to automatic thoughts like “People are not talking to me because I am an unlikable person”, rather than exploring other possibilities (Disner et al., 2017). A negative self-referential schema can also lead to increased severity of depression symptoms. Most importantly, a negative self-concept can lead to an unending cycle of negative thoughts.
This is because people with negative self-referential schemas exhibit an attentional bias. For example, when asked to decide whether an adjective is self-referential or not, people with depression are more likely to endorse negative adjectives than healthy controls, and they show an attentional bias by being quicker to endorse negative adjectives and quicker to reject positive adjectives than healthy controls (Disner et al., 2017). In turn, being likelier to endorse negative adjectives is correlated with longer “retrospectively reported” depressive episodes, demonstrating the cycle of negativity.
Not until after we got married Kevin confided and shared with me a few situations where family members questioned his choices and wanted to ensure he understood the challenges that come with an, interracial marriage. Ericka Augutis
I want to invite you guys all to the table. We are going to be talking on the topic the, “The Color of love, interracial marriages, in America” my guest today is Erica Augustus.
Listen to the interview
Interracial Marriage in America
Ericka and I became friends when we worked at Office Depot for about 10 years, and we have maintained our friendship. I decided that I wanted to get into the conversation on, interracial marriages, in America because of what’s been happening in the world and specifically in the last month or so.
It’s a very difficult place for a, black woman, married to a, white man. I think it’s even a little bit more complicated when your partner or your spouse cannot understand a lot of the times your, black experience. I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago and this, black woman, was talking about her experience.
She was married for 13 years to a, white man, the marriage dissolved not because of racial differences or any kind of racial problems, but she said it contributed to it, because her husband never really got into the conversation. If she would come home and say she was discriminated against at the office, he didn’t have a response or didn’t talk about it and then the host asked her the question.
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Can a, white man, love a, black woman, and still be a racist?
And her response was, “love has nothing to do with it”, now that piqued my interest and that’s the predominant reason that I wanted to get into this conversation, and have you guys all join in the conversation and discuss, the color of love.
Interracial Marriage Interview Highlights
How did you and your husband meet?
How Ericka and Kevin handled the stares from Black and White people in their, interracial marriage, when they walked down the street.
What are her thoughts on Systemic racism, did her husband understand her experience as a, Black woman.
Love has no color. How easy is it to love someone from a different race?
How does she and her husband talk to her black sons regarding the police.
My name is Ericka Augutis, my husband Kevin and I have been married for 18 years 19 in November. We do have two children. One is 14 and the other is 4.
We met about 22 years ago. He worked at a local Blockbuster in my neighborhood. He was a manager and anytime I would go into the store to look at videos, he would offer to help me. Well that’s when our relationship started. Finally we went on our first date and I have to say it was really awkward for both of us and I thought okay I’m never doing that again. He was super quiet there was very little conversation. A few months went by and he called again, and asked for a second date and I was going to say no, but my mom chimed in and asked me to give him another chance. I’m so glad I did that second date because we just had the best time.
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We dated to my dismay for nearly five years, we were engaged twice. The first proposal I accepted I was elated. I was excited to say yes; but a few months later we went to a party with some of our friends and I realized some of the ladies didn’t even know I was engaged. Here I was super excited and some of his circle of friends didn’t know that were engaged. So, it really hit me hard. I felt like okay I’m really pressuring him into this, interracial marriage. So I called off the engagement.
After that we kind of went our separate ways for a few months and then we slowly started dating again. And I have to say both of us matured during that time of separation and he proposed a second time in restaurant. He got down on one knee in front of all these people and proposed me a second time. This time he was ready! We got married like a year later.
Myrna Young Did you think that he maybe didn’t want to tell his friends he was engaged because you were a, black woman?
Ericka Augutis No, I don’t think the fact that we were contemplating an, interracial marriage, had anything to do with it, or the, color of love, because I was in his circle of friends for four years. We all vacationed together so it wasn’t that. I just felt like he wasn’t ready and I was forcing him to get married.
Myrna Young I’m going to ask you not a question as a follow-up to that. So all the time you guys dated, five years or so, you got engaged twice you didn’t see color? The question today is there a, color of love? Did any of your friends treated you differently? Or said Ericka he’s white? None of his friends says hey Kevin why do you want to marry a, black woman? Nothing?
Ericka Augutis Not until after we got married Kevin confided and shared with me a few situations where family, maybe one or two family members, questioned his choices and wanted to ensure he understood the challenges to come with an, interracial marriage.
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So yes, from my perspective it came later as well, being a successful, black woman, my parents and other family members wanted to know why I was dating someone that doesn’t look like me. I really had to kind of ask myself that question as well. I realized it’s not as if I said to myself, I’m going to find a Caucasian man and have this, interracial marriage. I fell in love with a white man.
Myrna Young Yea Love is color blind actually, Love is an Emotion, it’s a feeling and it doesn’t see color!
Ericka Augutis There were experiences and times where we had to deal with the looks and the stairs especially when we would go into places where everyone was a little older. I would say during that time anyone that was over age of 65 would give us those looks on both sides. It’s not just the Caucasian folks, black folks as well.
Myrna Young Did you let the stares and looks bother you?
Ericka Augutis No, Kevin was always so confident and strong and it made me just feel like I had nothing to worry about. But there was this time just after we had our son Kevin Jr, we were having dinner in this fancy restaurant and this gentleman, I probably shouldn’t call him a gentleman. A white man, came over to our table and he said to Kevin, Is this your son? My husband says yes, he says well I’m going to tell you I’m a doctor that’s not your son!
You got to be kidding me!
I am not kidding. it was such a strange experience. I mean he just came over and I think his goal was just to disturb our night and really rock and test the foundations of our, interracial marriage. That was one experience that I’ll never forget.
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Myrna Young Okay but in your marriage of itself was there any kind of friction at all regarding race? Was all the friction from outside people looking in and trying to disturb your harmony? For instance as a, black woman, is it hard to go and talk to a partner that is outside your race about racism that’s been happening to you? Because, it’s not their experience and they can’t understand it how a, black women, survive in the workplace for instance? As a, black woman, I have not been discriminated against a lot and especially growing up in Canada; but I know that if I was talking to a, black man, who had a white spouse, it would have been a totally different conversation. Because as a, black man, he would have been harassed by the police, he would have been discriminated at work, he would have experienced racism throughout his life. Racism that his white spouse would not be able to understand or identify.
So, did any of those situations happen in your marriage where your husband couldn’t understand your black experience?
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Ericka Augutis I would say initially when we’re in the newlywed stage, there were a few situations, super minor things, nothing hardcore or anything like that; but I could tell there was an inequality in the situation. When I talked about it, he would always ask me why I was so passionate? That was his word or way of saying, why are you so angry? It took me about three or four times of him saying that or using that phrase for me to get that he’s trying to ask me to express myself and make him understand. Why was something so small making you angry? So, once I understood what he was truly trying to say and ask me, we had a tough conversation on racism.
I explained to him the history black people and the challenges I’ve experienced throughout my career being a, black woman. I think in his career not everyone knows he’s married to a, black woman; so he would hear things people would say that were borderline racist and he would tell me he got it.
Myrna Young Not only did your husband not understand your black experience but as a, black woman, I didn’t understand my husband’s black experience either. My husband was a police officer and what upset him more than anything else was that he was going out there every night putting his life on the line and yet the white officers were racial against him. Not just my husband; but they were racist against all the black officers in the department. There was no equality even when they could die together. My husband would say we bleed the same blood, when we’re out there on the street and I am treated differently. I didn’t understand until recently when I understood the definition of a racist and the definition of racist policies. I had to go back to him and apologize for not understanding.
That’s basically what I would I wanted to you know. To find out from you how is the cohesiveness in an, interracial marriage, when one person has white privilege and the other person has to claw their way for everything?
So, the other question I have on here is and I think you mentioned it, people staring at you and I think you said that you felt protected because Kevin was so strong and you weren’t scared; but did it bother you psychologically?
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Ericka Augutis We’ve been married for so long, I would say it bothered me until we had our son. A small portion of me would wonder is it worth it? Is it worth it, why can’t we just go out to dinner and just have a nice dinner without any stares, comments or judgment? So I would say, yes it does bother you, it does affect you. You just have to find a way to deal with it and ensure that your relationship is solid enough where it’s worth it.
How does Interracial Marriage affect children?
Myrna Young How does your 14-year-old son, he’s old enough to understand what’ going on right now in the world, how does he relate to having a white dad?
Ericka Augutis Oh, that’s a good question so, he’s actually okay with it. He was in Boy Scouts from the age of I think five or six until 12 years old and I remember we were on a camping trip he may have been 7 or 8 at the time and he came into our tent and I could tell something was wrong. His face was a little flushed, so I said to him what’s wrong he said this kid asked him why is your dad white and your mom black?
I said, what did you say? He says I said because they love each other! So I think he’s okay with what’s going on right now. I did not know how to quite handle it when a child asked him like where is he from? If he was Spanish? I think that’s he’s at that stage where he’s getting that question and has to figure out how he’s going to handle it and answer it.
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Is there a Color to Love? The Answer is NO.
Myrna Young It sounds like your, interracial marriage, is healthy. You guys don’t see color. Your, color of love, is blended. You love your kids, you show them love you don’t show them a difference and that’s definitely the way to go about it. So your, interracial marriage, experience has been a good one. As a, black woman, marrying outside of your race you still go through get the same racism and racist policies that our, black men, go through on a lesser scale.
That’s basically what I wanted to have a conversation so that we can shed a light on, interracial marriages. I mean we’re looking at black and white but, interracial marriage, can also be Spanish and black or even religion Muslim and Christian or anything that makes you different. It causes some controversy or cause some friction.
Ericka Augutis I don’t want the podcast listeners thinking I am making, interracial marriage, sound like it’s just perfect. Absolutely not, there are challenges don’t get me wrong. When we get invited to parties and there’s only a sprinkle of brown and black people in room, you have to figure out how to navigate. Do you want to be like over-the-top polished or just be yourself. When our families get together we both have to play roles. Every day you encounter racism. If you’re dealing with the public or you go in a public space you’re dealing with those types of situations where people are looking people are asking questions so it’s a conversation that you have more often than not. When you’re in a relationship like this, it’s something that you have to deal with if you want it to work out.
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Myrna Young I thank you for coming on and having a seat at this table I appreciate it. I hope our readers and listeners learned a few things one, interracial marriages, can work. They can be successful, you just have to have love and talk about it.
I want to remind you that if you like this content, please share with your friends, subscribe on iTunes rate and leave a review.
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So how does it feel to be in a relationship with someone with, adult ADHD? Here is one woman’s story
I learned the, ADHD, tricks early on like, touching him when I needed his attention and he was working. I learned to move my fingers from his face to mine — the universal signal for eye contact — when he began to drift off.
The two inattentive men, naturally tended toward household chaos, an inability to finish projects, and a desperate need for legal stimulants.
Understanding is the key to calming the chaos in the relationship.
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I’m curious about, Adult ADHD. Does kids with, ADHD, become adults with, adult ADHD?
For clarity let’s make sure people understand the acronym for, ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Individuals can have, attention deficit disorder, without the hyperactivity and that disorder is ADD. Things to keep in mind about, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or, Adult ADHD, is that, yes you can have, ADHD, in childhood and about 60% of kids grow up still having the same symptoms and become, adult ADHD. One of the interesting pieces about this is that it’s important for folks not to misconstrued information about what they’re seeing the adult exhibit. Certain characteristics of, Adult ADHD, can mimic other disorders like for example Thyroid disease.
Does the 40% of kids who don’t have, adult ADHD, become cured?
Not necessarily , they could have developed coping skills to manage the, ADHD, behavior so the symptoms were minimized. They could have also learned strategies on how to behave or how to compensate for the symptoms.
What are the different types of, Adult ADHD?
When you look at the diagnostic and statistical manual that psychologists use. It gives you clarity on how, Adult ADHD, is diagnosed. There are different types 3 types of symptoms that we see in, ADHD.
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We have to go through the process and can’t have people diagnosing themselves or their children or anyone else with the disorder. Sometimes you have symptoms because people don’t have appropriate amounts of minerals in their body or they might be subject to low levels of magnesium. Things like that or people might have other diseases that might mimic, ADHD symptoms, so get these things ruled out with blood work.
ADHD in adults could mean you have an, ADHD, partner.
Here is what happening in their brain. What exactly is happening in the brain to cause someone to develop symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?
The Adult ADHD brain has impaired activity in four functional regions of the brain.
Frontal Cortex. This region controls high-level functions: …
Limbic System. This region is located deeper in the brain. …
Basal Ganglia. …
Reticular Activating System.
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The neurotransmitter in the brain is affected. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for how we organize our cognitive flexibility and being able to control ourselves and things that come into our frame of reference.
The Basal Ganglia helps to regulate communication within the brain, sending signals from one neuron to the other and is responsible for our motor control movement. The Basal Ganglia is also responsible for regulating emotional volatility and the Reticular Activating System is our major relay system. It controls the many pathways that enter and leave the brain and is responsible for arousal and consciousness.
Dr Gray who is the author of Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus wrote an article in which he claims that men with, Adult ADHD, have problems committing to women because of the disorder. Do you agree with that statement?
No, not at all. I think there are other reasons that men can’t commit to women. Dr Gray is trying to give these men a pass. I would love to see his research.
Does, ADHD, medications cure the disorder?
Medications for, ADHD, are non-stimulant and stimulant meds depending on what the individual the parents would choose. I always think of other Alternatives besides the use of pharmaceuticals. I would rather use in a non-medication treatment or neuro feedback to help with symptoms of, ADHD. Bio feedback can cure the disorder, medication just masks or controls but never cures.
if you give anyone who clearly has, ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, medication for 6 months and the other Bio Feedback for 6 months, you will see the difference in the treatment results.
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Does internet pornography rewire men’s brain to have, Adult ADHD?
I came across an article from Dr Gray and he was specifically talking about men who develop, Adult ADHD, because of pornography. He said pornography is re wiring men’s brain and causing them to develop, ADHD. He said pornography also blocks love and connection with their partner.
How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love. Where do they find, single men?
Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love’s house, so that it is ready for Love.
Listen to the full interview here:
Finding Love Introduction
I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love’s House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.
Dating advice, for, finding love again
Work on being the best you.
Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements
Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence
Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table. Why would someone choose you?
Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?
The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.
Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.
Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!
Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40, to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love, at a bar.
My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!
I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!
I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.
Finding love again, on Dating Sites
The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.
As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes. I don’t have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don’t have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.
Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events. They are home on their computers.
My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.
Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?
It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest. It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men, they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with. Some key tips, I would give are:
Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
Some, dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract like minded, single men, that will give off similar positive energy.
Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
When, dating, be open to new experiences.
Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.
These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.
Where did you meet your husband?
I met my husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter. He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer. He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.
How do, Single Women, prepare, Love’s House?
Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”
The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love’s House.
One of the first things I remembered she said was to,
Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life, as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.
She calls this house, Love’s House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.
In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don’t fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.
Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?
Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.
On the first floor of , Love’s House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.
On the second floor of, Love’s House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.
The most important, dating advice for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.
The third floor of, Love’s House, is when, single women, are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient, courageous and beautiful inside and out.
The top floor is the Attic
In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40, are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.
You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!
Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases of finding themselves in, love’s house.
Make sense of your past
In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story
Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.
In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.
Recognize your personal power when, finding love again
When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives. We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves
Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts
This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.
Know the value of friendship with, single men
We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise
Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak
In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook. They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.
Here is a question from Mari. Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice, on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?
As a, life coach, I think that, single women, starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.
It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
You should have common interests,
be equally yoked,
have the same standard of living,
similar sex drive.
The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on your list but you are shooting for 80%.
Arifah What’s your, Dating Advice, for Mari
Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.
You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man. Once that’s done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.
This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.
How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.
All I know is that I’ve a great fear. I’ve some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man, I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.
Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.
Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear. It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.
It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety. Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.
In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror. If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.
Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves. As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.
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