In this blog post, I'm exploring the concept of drinking your, cup of suffering, like Jesus did. Jesus asked God to take this, cup of suffering, from him if it is his will. But Jesus had to drink his, cup of suffering, to get to his purpose and destiny.
Suffering is usually the pathway to, personal growth, so you must learn to, embrace pain, and suffering as part of your journey and growth. When you drink your, cup of suffering, you're able to transform your pain and suffering into something positive. This podcast episode is about finding compassion and strength in the face of difficulty, and it's something that can be helpful on any journey. If you're looking for a way to overcome hardship, this episode is for you!
In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus, born with the ability to see his future knew of his impending death. He knew his purpose for becoming God in the flesh was to die for our sins, yet even as a God in flesh he was not looking forward to suffering. The scripture says he became anguished and distressed.
He told his disciples “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. He prayed to God his father and asked him to take the, cup of suffering, from him, if it is his will. Then he prayed again and said “if this, cup of suffering, cannot be taken away unless I drink it, then your will be done.
So, let’s talk today about suffering. Most of us will suffer before we die just like Jesus did. The Buddha teaches that we can transcend suffering with our minds.
Let’s imagine that you were just given a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. So like Jesus you know suffering is coming and maybe even death.
You pray and ask God for a miracle, but at some point, you realize that you have to drink your, cup of suffering.
One of the ways to drink your, cup of suffering, and not choke, is to look at what comes after your suffering.
Jesus knew that he would raise from the dead in 3 days and his suffering was for a purpose. The shedding of his blood was to redeem our sins. So, he made plans with his disciples. He told them “after I have been raised from the dead, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and meet you there.”
So, if you have been given a diagnosis that could lead to suffering and pain, if you can see yourself healed and maybe taking that trip that’s still on your bucket list. See yourself with family and friends totally healthy and cancer free. That will allow you to be in pain, but not suffer. Suffering is resistance to the now. As Eckhart Tolle teaches the now is already here there is nothing you can do, other than accept it.
All suffering is emotionally created and is due to resistance. If you refuse to go with the flow of life, you will suffer. Suffering is usually for a purpose. You must have deep pain or suffering to be drawn to the spiritual dimension.
And if it is God’s will that you transition to the other side you will still meet up with friends and family who are waiting for you there in heaven.
The Buddha on suffering
Anyone who has had even the briefest introduction to Buddhist teaching is familiar with its starting point: the inescapable truth that existence entails suffering. Buddhist psychology makes a clear distinction between pain and suffering. Pain is an unavoidable aspect of the natural world. It is physical, biological, and social, woven into our existence as night is with day, as inevitable as hard and soft, as hot and cold.
In this human incarnation we experience a continuous ebb and flow of pleasure and pain, gain and loss. Suffering is different from pain. Suffering is caused by our reaction to the inevitable pain of life. Our personal suffering can include anxiety, depression, fear, confusion, grief, anger, hurt, addiction, jealousy, and frustration. But suffering is not only personal.
Our collective suffering grows from human greed, hatred, and ignorance, bringing warfare and racism; the isolation and torture of prisoners; fueling the unnecessary hunger, sickness, and abandonment of human beings on every continent. This individual and collective suffering.
Conclusion
Pain is inevitable part of life, suffering is optional.
Thanks for tuning into this weeks episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna.
Kristina Mand-Lakhiani, co founder of Mindvalley, shares how to become flawesome with radical self acceptance. If you’ve ever felt burdened by perfectionism, pressured to be someone you’re not, and driven to live up to other people’s expectations even if it means concealing your true self, then this podcast episode is for you.
In this episode, Kristina talks about the concepts of perfectionism, flawesome, and self-acceptance. She shares with you her journey of self-discovery and how these concepts have helped her to become flawesome!
Myrna: You are the co-founder of MindValley with Vishen Lakiani. I love Vishen Lakiani I think that you guys do good work and I know the story because I've gone to several of his webinars and read his books. I know the story of how he came about to start MindValley and his journey. So let's talk about you today, why did you begin this personal development company? What motivated and inspired you?
Kristina: I mean you know whether it's the same as Vishen's or not but what is what is the story behind Mindvalley? That question will require a little bit of a background, so the founder of Mindvalley is Vishen Lakiani and by the family name Lakiani you might guess we are related. We used to be married for 16 years, so when Vishen was starting MindValley it was back in 2003.
I had moved to New York, we got married in 2003. I had moved to New York from Europe and I was looking for a job and Vishen had a job and he had a side hustle which became MindValley. I usually say that I ended up in, personal growth, reluctantly and by accident and that's absolutely true. I had nothing better to do but to help Vishen with his side business because he had a full-time job and we depended on his income as a family.
We depended on it so I thought it was the right thing to do, but at that time I would also say, I thought I ended up in, personal growth, reluctantly and obstinately because I was still planning to make my own career somewhere else. I started in the government working in a very different field from, personal growth, so it took years before I accepted my fate.
MindValley is now a top personal growth company
Myrna: I know Vishen's story that his business that he had. I think it was doing websites. You said it was like a, side hustle, that's amazing that the company for anybody that doesn't know about MindValley it's like a top 10 company in, personal growth, in the world.
Kristina: We have grown yes and we have changed since the beginning since 2003 so definitely it's been quite a journey and yeah we do consider ourselves one of the biggest education companies in personal growth and transformation.
Myrna: All right so then you started in your personal journey and according to your personal growth journey I should say and according to your bio you got to work with some of the greats. I'm in the space you know so I know all these different people I love Michael Beckwick. I love his work. I love Bob Proctor and I don't do a lot with Lisa Nichols because she basically teaches you how to be a professional speaker, but I know that you know she has done very well for herself.
So what is one of the greatest lessons you've learned from Michael Beckwith let's just pick one or if you want to use one of the other ones that's in your bio you know it's so hard to be picking uh like one of the greatest lessons from any of the people.
Lesson of self acceptance from Michael Beckwith
Kristina: I probably learned from Michael Beckwith the lesson that I have learned would be a little bit reversed from what you would expect. I'll give you a situation of course I've heard him speak and I've heard his teachings, but the lesson came in a different shape and form. So I started working in, personal growth, and transformation as an entrepreneur and a marketer initially so I got to know all these people as their partner in the sense because we were helping them to get their word out to to other people.
So I wasn't ever their colleague in the sense that I wasn't one of the authors. It happened much later at some point I re-invented myself and my life and it would be a completely different story, but some five six years ago I started going into becoming an author because I was ready. I had embraced, personal growth, and transformation and it was it was quite a few years ago.
I remember I was going on MindValley Stage and we have a very impressive stage and we had a huge audience probably one of my biggest at that time and I was following Michael Beckwith and a few other people and I remember being completely terrified because I felt, who am I to go on stage after all those people? I do actually mention Michael Beckwith in that story because he is such an energetic and such a strong speaker that when you listen to him you're hooked. you're just there and I have a very different style, so I remember going on stage and having this huge impostor syndrome thinking how can I compare.
From impostor syndrome to self acceptance
I can never be as good as Michael Beckwith speaking. I can never be as good as another speaker who was there who had built a massive company. I could never be as good as another speaker there who had written a bestselling book and was super famous. I was comparing myself faster and faster to all those great people and feeling smaller and smaller and smaller until I remembered the words of a friend of mine who said we are so hooked on the idea that we have this one talent that we are forgetting that we are multi-talented.
That actually helped me to suddenly realize that it is not in this one thing where I have to be the best in the world, but in the unique combination of things that make me who I am. That's where probably the biggest value that I have for the world. Michael Beckwith was one person who taught me, self acceptance. There are people who are so much better, so much more accomplished than me in every single area, if I take them separately, but what gives me value is the combination of my works, of my unique features of the things that maybe I am ashamed of. That combination is what gives me my unique value and what gives me the right to be on stage with all those wonderful people.
Lisa Nichols helped me become Flawesome
Myrna: Lisa Nichols is a powerful speaker. I saw her quite recently, she's awesome, but what I just love what you just said is that we all have this inferiority complex because you know we think that someone is is better than us but I love what he says that our combination is what makes us unique.
Kristina: We often think that our lessons come in very clear messages and of course Michael doesn't teach that. He teaches, self acceptance, that is what I learned from that interaction and that's interesting. You know Lisa Nichols for example, she's wonderful in so many ways and she actually has taught me public speaking one-on-one including, self acceptance, of my accent and flaws.
She's such a wonderful human being but the one thing I learned from her is one this is one saying that she occasionally says in some of her speeches.
The world has no need for your perfection
Conscious uncoupling after divorce
Myrna: So let's talk about you, back to you now and some of the things that you bring to the table. One of the things you talk about is, hacking happiness, after, conscious uncoupling. You were married to Vishen for 16 years that's a long time, in fact that's how long I've been married to my current husband 16 years. you're talking about, conscious uncoupling, hacking happiness.
Kristina: Well, conscious uncoupling, is actually a term coined by another of Mindvalley authors Catherine Woodward Thomas
For me and Vishen it was just a journey we chose to take when we decided to separate. Vishen had known Catherine by then and he had known about this concept so we did follow her teachings to a degree, but I think any kind of relationship is a product of these two people. So you can learn from other person how to be a good parent, how to have a happy marriage.
I think that every couple that uncouples consciously and couples according to Catherine Woodward Thomas has their own story and the other examples that I've seen. I don't normally talk about relationships because it's not my forte. I do talk about, hacking happiness, although not connected to uncoupling per se.
Hacking happiness: conscious uncoupling
I talk about, hacking happiness, as a choice, as a trainable skill as maybe a habit which is very contrary to a lot of ideas. I like to talk about happiness especially to very skeptical people because they always make you see things in a new light in a way. I do talk about happiness, but not in relation to uncoupling because I think in that aspect I'm still in the process. I mean we uncoupled four years ago and you might say that it's long enough time, but we are in each other's life's a lot we grow children together.
We still have business together, we are friends, we do a lot of things together, so I think as long as we have each other in each other's life it will be a constantly evolving relationship.
Myrna: Well at least you parted amicably. What I know about relationships is it's very hard to, consciously uncouple, because it's either you did something that hurt me and I don't want anything to do with you. It's very hard to say we are better separate than we are together and we're gonna, consciously uncouple, and put our kids first. That term , consciously uncoupling, has become popular because you know the word that I heard before was, co-parenting.
Kristina: I would strongly recommend studying Catherine Thomas because she has the experience, she's a psychotherapist who has been working with couples focusing on relationships. We do need to re-imagine the end of relationships. We have such a rigid approach to that relationship is only a success if it lasts, but that's not the case. We have all witnessed relationships that maybe lasts a really long time but it's dead inside.
Catherine suggests and I really love this idea is why don't we judge the successful relationship not by the length of a relationship but by the extent that both people have maybe evolved or created things together.
Hacking Happiness: The Art of becoming Flawesome
Myrna: you also talk about how can we live by our own rules and walk in our fruit and um you know that's basically our topic today, hacking happiness, and the Art of becoming flawsome. Tell us what that word means because I'm putting my own interpretation to it.
Kristina: I'm very reluctant to give definition of the word flawesome even in my book. My editor insisted that I have to add it. My book well it's called Becoming flawesome. It is a book about, self acceptance, and finding your way back to you. Our flaws is just this necessary condition because when you find your way back to you, you will discover that probably you're not that picture of perfection that you have been drawing in your head and aspiring for.
Become flawesome by accepting your flaws and practicing, self acceptance. Becoming flawesome is a personal experience and you are absolutely right it's about embracing your flaws and being okay with them. It's embracing your flaws, it's learning to not just accept, but love yourself with your flaws, and maybe not even with the flaws, but because of them. Because every single facet of you makes you unique.
Even those things that you maybe are feeling ashamed about or don't want to show to the world they are a part of you that makes you uniquely you and if you have the courage to go further and deeper, it is about about finding strengths in the things that you might have considered your flaws choosing them to become your blessing rather than your curse.
Conclusion: Your self acceptance journey
Yes as you were talking you know a lot of women including me.
Myrna: Let's talk about your book, how did you come up with that title and what is it that you want the um readers to walk away?
Kristina: I hope that this book is going to be a companion on the journey back to you for every single reader. However many readers I'm going to get, that's how many destinations this book will have. I don't teach people, I don't believe in teaching, I believe transformation happens when people are ready and who am I to teach anyone, but I am a companion, I have been through this journey. I ask a lot of questions. I hold the hand, so I do believe and hope that this book is everybody's individual unique journey back to, self acceptance.
Myrna; How can our audience get a copy of your book and connect with you on social media. Let us know your website and your Instagram or your social media handles.
Kristina: My name is a little complicated, but the rest is easy so my name is Kristina Mand-Lakiani my website is www.kristinamand.com and then the book is slash book so it's super easy. My handle for all all the social media Instagram Facebook is the same https://www.instagram.com/kristinamand/
Guided Meditations, has been proven to make real changes in your brain, like in the actual structure of your brain. Using Muse, guided meditations, helps you focus.
Today I am speaking to Ariel Garten, Psychotherapist and founder of Muse Headband for, guided meditations.
Muse Headband comes with, free guided meditations, and help to reduce stress and improve sleep.
This topic that's near and dear to my heart because I am a meditator. So I am going to be learning as much from you as our audience on, guided meditations, and using, Muse Headband for meditation.
Ariel, How did your work in psychotherapy and neuroscience lead you to becoming the founder of Muse?
How Muse guided meditations started
My story is a really varied one. I was always interested in everything and how the world worked and how we work; so I went to school for neuroscience, so that I could learn more about the brain. Our brain creates our experiences of life. The movements of chemicals across our sinapps create the experience of being happy of feeling connected to one another.
I became trained as a psychotherapist and so in psychotherapy so that I could work one-on-one with people to help them understand the narratives that play in their minds, these are the stories that are in their head and shapes their existence. I help them shift those narratives and stories so that they could be more comfortable with the life that they're living. I became really fascinated by brain waves. Brain waves are the electrical energy that comes off your head. It's real information from your brain.
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I began working with a professor at the University of Toronto and and we began to use an EEG system eg or sensors to detect brain waves to listen to people's brain activity and create feedback loops. We could literally make sounds from the energy coming off of people heads. We were actually creating musical experiences as you shifted your brain state from focused to relaxed.
I stood back and started to recognize that we could actually create company around this technology and uses this for human good. I got together with my co-founders Chris and Trevor, two friends of mine one who's an amazing electrical engineer the other amazing business person and the three of us set off to bring, Muse Headband for Meditation, to the world.
In psychotherapy I would be teaching people to meditate as one of the tools to help them, transform their mind, but we all know that meditation is incredibly hard to do because most of us can’t quiet our minds. I sucked at meditation. I teach it to my patients and they would go home and try to do it but their brains would bounce all over the place and they would be frustrated.
Muse Headband for meditation, gives you real-time feedback on your brain during, guided meditation.
Muse gives you audio feedback. You're actually hearing your brain state and it's helping you guide yourself back into that state of focus when your mind wanders off.
When I meditate, there's certain times that I can sit there and just concentrate on my breathing, and then the next time I've got all these thoughts that are bouncing around. When you recognize that you're no longer concentrating on your breathing you bring it back but that could be 30 mins later.
What is, Guided meditation?
Meditation is simply a practice or a training that leads to healthy and positive mind. It's an exercise that you do regularly that leads to improvements in your mind and your brain. The most common form of meditation that most people do first is a focused attention meditation. You might hear different forms of meditation and they all have a lot of similarities with their basics and focused attention.
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You focus your attention on your breath or part of your body. Eventually your mind wanders away from the thing you're paying attention to or the voice on the, guided meditation, onto a thought or a distraction and it's your job to notice that your mind has wandered and come back to your breath. It is incredibly simple. You're putting your attention on your breath, your mind wanders you realize your mind is wandered and instead of following your wandering mind you choose to come back to your breath. Your guide from the, guided meditations, would remind you to follow your breathe.
How to Meditate?
Sit or lie comfortably. You may even want to invest in a meditation chair or cushion.
Close your eyes. …
Make no effort to control the breath; simply breathe naturally.
Focus your attention on the breath and on how the body moves with each inhalation and exhalation.
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Focusing on your breath and returning to your breath is big deal. When you do this really simple exercise, some pretty profound things happen to your mind and brain. Most of us just kind of go through the world on autopilot. We just go through the world with a bunch of thoughts in our head and we assume we're supposed to be thinking them. We're thinking about our brother who’s not feeling well or the groceries that we're supposed to get or with the thing in front of us that we don't really care about.
What happens is as soon as you engage in , guided meditations, and you put your attention breathwork, your mind wanders into one of those thoughts and you choose to say. I don't want to follow this wandering thought, I want to control my mind and put it elsewhere, on my breathe. All of a sudden you have changed the relationship to your thoughts and that is HUGE. You're no longer just subject to the thoughts that are in your head, you can actually have control over them. You can have dominion over your own mind. Every time you do this you get better and better at saying hey I don't want to follow that thought, I want to come back to this, guided meditation, and my breathe.
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A lot of the thoughts that we have are negative, frustrating and repetitive so instead of just following these negative, frustrating, repetitive thoughts and assuming that's what happens, we can now observe them and say heck NO, I don't like that thought. I don't want to go there and choose to come back to focused attention and, guided meditations.
The benefits of guided meditations
There's literally over a thousand published studies demonstrating the benefits of, guided meditation, and its impact on your mind your body:
Deepak Chopra introduced me to, guided meditation, maybe 10 – 15 years ago. I have been a meditator for a while and there is a significant difference in everything about me because of meditation. One benefit is that I am able to relieve pain by breathing into the area.
There's a ton of studies that demonstrate, guided meditations, potential to improve pain.
One study shows a novice meditator or a short-term learning meditation can reduce their pain by 50%, expert meditators have been shown to be able to reduce their pain levels by 90%.
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Muse Headband for meditation, has agency G and heart rate sensors inside of it that track your brain during your meditation. The same way that a heart rate monitor will track your heart while you're at the gym and let you know when you're in the fat-burning zone.
Muse Headband for meditation, tracks your brain during, guided meditation, to let you know when you're in focused attention. When your mind is wandering, it actually lets you hear the sound of your mind. It lets you know when you're focused and it warns you when your mind has wandered off and then guides you back into that state of focused attention. Muse Headband for meditation, use really beautiful audio cues that you hear through your phone, in the same way a Fitbit connects with your phone.
What happens to our brain during, Guided Meditation?
Meditation has been proven to make real changes in your brain, like in the actual structure of your brain. It's quite amazing. There's an amazing study from Dr. Sarah Lazar she's a researcher at Harvard and she's shown that meditation that can increase the thickness of your prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the area of your brain right under your forehead and it's the part of your brain that's responsible for planning, organization and higher-order thinking.
It's the thing that like separate us from other animals. As Humans we have really developed prefrontal cortex. As we age our prefrontal cortex actually becomes thinner; but Dr Lazar was able to show that people with a long term, guided meditation, practices were able to maintain the thickness of their prefrontal cortex even as they aged. So quite amazing, guided meditation, actually was able to reverse the aging process by maintaining our prefrontal cortex.
Through the, guided meditation, process it actually strengthens the ability of your prefrontal cortex to now regulate your amygdala. It's like your prefrontal cortex is the parent and the amygdala is the little three-year-old having a temper tantrum.
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Can our Set point for Happiness be changed by, guided meditations to reduce stress?
Our set point is our capacity for happiness, and apparently it is set very early in life from our parents or our caretakers. Deepak Chopra says that, guided meditation, can move that set point so your capacity for happiness increases. I thought this statement was interesting enough for us to include it in our conversation today, so can you touch on the neuroscience behind this statement.
During, guided meditations, you begin to recognize that you can have control over your thoughts. Typically the next thing that happens is you recognize that you are not your thoughts, and if you are not your thoughts you are also not all of the stories about yourself that your thoughts have been telling you about you. At some point with meditators there's this unbelievable shift where you realize that like you know the things that you learned about yourself in the grade 3 school yard when you were being picked on are not true. So you let go of that perspective in the same way you let go those negative thoughts and that is unbelievably liberating. So your capacity for happiness or set point shifts.
For some people their, career, is closely interwoven with their, life purpose. Keshia Morris, is that person, Political Activist and Project Manager with Common Cause.
In this interview on the Transform your Mind radio hour and podcast, Life Coach and Mom Myrna Morris Young, trace the story of, Keshia Morris, as an undocumented alien, to her starting her career as a Psychologist, to getting a tug from God to transform her, career with purpose, to help with our democracy.
Listen to full interview here:
Introduction to a Career with Purpose
Keshia Morris is the project manager for the, Census 2020, with Common Cause and is getting a lot of media attention because of the Trump's administration efforts to add the question “Are you a Citizen” to the, Census 2020.
Keshia Morris, talks about the importance of the Census, the reason the Trump administration was trying to add this question and, Common Cause, fight for a fair democracy.
The media attention started when, Keshia Morris, wrote an amazing article that was published in the Miami Herald that highlighted her, career, with purpose. In this article she talked about our personal journey to becoming permanent residents in the United States and why the question on the Census asking “Are you a Citizen?” would have a negative affect on our democracy.
After that article was published, several podcasts and radio personalities wanted to interview her.
Before we could get to what God has done in Keshia’s life as far as her chosen, career, with purpose. She chose me to be her mother. I knew from the moment she was conceived that she was born to do great things. She was conceived on my honeymoon and was born 9 months later on my 30th birthday. So even without being conscious I knew that she was born with a, life purpose.
Again without being yet conscious; but understanding the principle of generational increase, I started my journey to becoming an American Citizen. I believed that there were more opportunities for my children here in the USA.
Both my children are Canadian, and maybe my assumption was incorrect, but our perceptions become our reality.
Keshia Morris, went through high school as an, undocumented alien. The beauty of this country is that children didn't require papers to go to public school until higher education. Without a vision, I could have sent her back to Canada to go to college; but that was not even a consideration. I paid out of state fees for her first 2 years of college. I could only afford one class; but she was in College.
I got married again in 2006 and my husband sponsored both of us, and we became permanent residents or documented immigrants.
Keshia received her BA and started out on her intended career as a Psychologist.
How Keshia's Became On Purpose, career coaching
One day while listening to the audio book “A long walk to Freedom,” by Nelson Mandela, she had what is called a Damascus experience. Everything that was before was no more. So this is where I want to pick up the story.
I want to start off by saying that you tell my story so much better than I do. Just laying out for our listeners how I got to the moment where I decided I wanted to do something new with my career. I had always thought that I that I was going to be a psychologist. As a child people kept telling me that oh you know you're great at giving people advice, so I thought I might as well make a career out of this and try to achieve the American dream.
Psychologists make a lot of money. I started getting into listening to audio books in my car and as I listening to Nelson Mandela’s “A long walk to freedom” I would say in the very first few chapters of the book, I feel like it changed me and changed my trajectory of my life almost immediately. It was also the time of the sequester where the government was shut down. I interpreted this as wealthy special interests groups were getting in the way of government and our lawmakers not being able to do their jobs. I didn't feel like this was right, so I felt an extreme tug to try to do something about it.
I had already invested over 4 years as a Psychology major and started with my masters degree credits which were not inexpensive. I had already amassed about $30,000 in student loans before listening to Nelson Mandela's book. I felt an immense tug from God that becoming a political activist was my, career purpose, I wanted to help change the democracy the United States of America.
How to look for signs that your, career, is on Purpose
Question #2: How did you know that this was God. What were the signs?
I knew it was God because it changed the trajectory of my life in seconds. I was now a new woman and had a firm grasp on what my, career, should be.
Things lined up for you. I was a new Life Coach at the time and you requested a coaching session. I remember it, like it was yesterday. Because what I said out loud was not what I was thinking. I told you to go for it. To make a plan and pursue this goal.
Before graduation you got an internship at your number 1 choice for employment, Common Cause,
You received a job offer with, Common Cause, immediately after graduation. So we know that you were on, career purpose, because God opened doors.
Why family support and career coaching is so important to your career
Question # 3: What advice would you give our listeners who face obstacles. No family support, not accepted to schools, kids at home etc.
I would tell them to believe in the vision that you can have it all. Believe in yourself, believe in God and believe in their, career purpose,
Keshia Morris, you are getting National attention now as the Project Manager for the 2020 Census at Common Cause. The Trump administration has been very unfriendly towards immigrants and, undocumented aliens, and intended to use the question “Are you a Citizen?” on the, Census 2020, to instill fear to the non-Citizens, so as to set up, Gerrymandering. Common Cause fought for this question to be removed from the Census and won.
Question # 4 Please explain the importance of having this question removed from the, Census 2020, and what exactly the Census does for our democracy.
Gerrymandering is manipulating districts to give one party advantage over the other. We have definitely seen a lot of gerrymandering being done by Republicans; but we do absolutely know that Democrats do it as well.
The Constitution mandates that a Census or accounts of all people that live within these United States be counted for apportionment purposes every ten years. So every ten years the Census Bureau takes counts of everyone that lives here. That is including illegal aliens, that is including children and newborns. Everyone should get counted.
What this count does for our democracy is it apportioned the amount of seats in Congress.
There are 435 seats and the House of Representatives and those 435 seats are distributed based on population size. Right now about each congressional district has about 700,000 people.
In a State like Florida, for example that has a population of maybe six to nine million people, but say only eight million people were counted in the, 2020 census, that means that Florida would get less congressional representation than it actually truly deserves because one million people were not counted.
The Trump administration wanted to add this last minute question “Are you a Citizen” to the, Census 2020, I say last minute because usually each question is tested and vetted thoroughly for about three years before a question can be added to the census. It has to go through Congress and an approval processes. The Trump administration came in and decided they were not gonna do any of that, and just announced that they were going to add this question to the, Census 2020,
Census Bureau researchers have found that if this question were to be added to the, Census 2020, about 6.5 million people would not answer the census form and thus insure a fair census. So advocates like, Common Cause, but really across the board, millions of people stood up and said that this is wrong. Common Cause, took the case all the way to the Supreme Court and the Supreme Court sided with us. They said that the Trump administration cannot add this question to the, Census 2020, they called the reason the Trump administration gave to add this question, contrived.
Myrna: I heard you say in one of your interviews that the data that comes from the, Census 2020, is confidential and it's illegal for anybody to use this information for harm to the people. I know you said that if this question was on the, Census 2020, 6.5 million people would not have answered because they might be afraid that someone will come to their door. But what you said is that information is never presented in such a way that somebody can know who filled out the form, and if they were going to actually use information from the data, they will use the information as a collective.
I am curious as to why research shows that 6.5 million people WOULD NOT have responded to the, Census 2020, if the question “Are you a Citizen” was on the form?
Keshia Morris: My answer to that question is twofold.
The law states that your responses on the census cannot be used to cause harm to any person. That means that it can't be sent to ICE to enforce immigration law. It can't even be sent to your landlord if you have too many people living in in your household. However, what the Trump administration wanted to do, was to create fear. That information isn't always communicated correctly and even if it was, people don't trust that the Trump administration would follow the law.
So it's better just not to have the question on the, Census 2020, whatsoever.
The Trump administration has given up on their efforts to add the question “Are you a Citizen” on Census 2020, but they are now trying another way to get this information. President Trump has now issued an executive order to get administrative data to be collected for the purpose of redistricting. Common Cause, is fighting for this not to be the case, and it absolutely will be challenged through litigation.
Facts about the, Census 2020,
Section 2 of the Constitution requires a count every 10 years of every person residing in the United States—citizens and non-citizens, newborns and seniors, documented and undocumented, homeowners, renters, and the homeless. The, 2020 Census, will be in full swing during the Winter, Spring and Summer of 2020.
Counting hundreds of millions of people is an immense undertaking, and it’s critical for state legislators to start preparing now. Census data determine the allocation of more than $800 billion in annual federal funding and are often used in state and local policy-making, decision- making, and research. An inaccurate census in 2020 would jeopardize state funds for over 300 federal programs and compromise crucial supports for marginalized communities.
Census data are also used for the reapportionment and redistricting processes and therefore vital to advancing a fair and representative democracy. Ensuring that all residents in your state are counted will require funding, coordination, and commitment from policymakers but will provide your constituents the resources and representation they deserve.
Research shows that if the question “Are you a Citizen” was on the, Census 2020, 6.5 million people would not fill in the Census thereby states would be unrepresented by millions in congress.
Myrna: From listening to all your numerous interviews I will list them. I have learned that the Census data is confidential and it is illegal for anyone to use that data to target aliens.
Myrna: I have had a front row seat to your growth from a Psychology major into a political activist. I have watched you take the mike and rally a crowd. I have listened you spout very technical data about the history of our democracy with names and dates of legal documents. As your mother, I am impressed by your transformation.
Question # 6: Take us through how you released your fear of public speaking. What did you do to get yourself from this abstract fear of speaking and communicating to what you do now?
I am still working on being an effective communicator and working past my fear. My fear has lessened a bit, there was a time where I mean I couldn't get in front of people and I couldn't say two words without my voice shaking, without saying um a hundred times, without looking completely lost. So yeah I definitely think that I have I've experienced some growth and really all I can say, well the main thing I can say that got me around the corner is practice.
There's that Malcolm Gladwell books that says you need like 10,000 hours of practicing something to be an Expert. You just named a bunch of the interviews that I've done; but you know each of those interviews requests, I started off by saying NO. because the fear is still there. But I able to overcome the fear by resting in the fact that this is for a, life purpose, and I am working towards the goal of having this democracy be the best that it can be.
As we wrap up our show today, I want to leave you with these thoughts.
There is a difference between living an active life and a, purpose driven life. We all lead active lives. To be active does not mean we even have to physically do anything. We could be mentally active and be making plans and, setting goals, etc. but not going anywhere. But when we are living a, purpose driven life, our energy and activities has a, life purpose, and meaning. Pause to reflect the purpose of your chosen, career. What is the meaning of your, career, purpose. What is the quality of the energy you are expending. When you have a, career, of purpose, the more energy you expend, the more renewed you are. On the other hand, when you are not on, life purpose, the energy you expend is not renewed, instead you end your day depleted and diminished.
A, purpose driven life, and, purpose driven career, alters the course of history. I hope you all find yours.
Keshia Morris, one final question What do you want your contribution to be to God’s Kingdom?
To make this country's democracy the best it can be, that is my, career purpose,
How can any of our listeners get in contact with common cause to support the organization, volunteer for the census or reach you for speaking engagements or interviews?
Have you found your, passion? Passion, is that burning desire that God placed in your belly at birth. It is also called your burning bush.
In this episode I reference the Final chapter of my book “Out of the Snares, a story of Hope and Encouragement”
I call this chapter “God's consuming fire your , passion.
In this chapter of my book “Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement”I tell the stories of Walt Disney, Sylvester Stallone, and J.K Rowling. These are 3 examples of ordinary people who accomplished extraordinary things because they were able to convert their passion, the fire in their belly, into its monetary equivalent. Their passion was like a “burning bush” deep within their souls and they were driven to consummate this burning desire.
Out of the Snares
“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.”
— Field Marshal Ferdinand Foch
What is Passion
Passion it is that thing that you were created to do. The thing that makes you feel good when you are doing it, like you transcended your body and entered the heavens. The thing that you would do all day for free.
Kobe Bryant was born with a purpose, he got the genes and the physical attributes to be a basketball player but; he had to engage his, passion.
Purpose is what you were placed on the earth to do, it is your contribution to mankind. The first way to uncover your, passion, is to find out what holds your interest and what you love doing. God gave you your gift of purpose, and you're not always passionate about your purpose; but if you can marry it to your, passion, it’s like pouring gasoline on the fire. You have to feed your, passion. That’s what Kobe Bryant did and that is why he is a Legend. No one out worked him, he wanted to be the best and win championships.
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One of the self-evaluation questions I ask my new coaching clients is “If you were the Power-ball winner of $500,000,000. What would you do with your time?” You see, when you take away the need to earn money, then your head becomes clear as to what your passion really is.
In my book “Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement”I tell the stories of Walt Disney, Sylvester Stallone, and J.K Rowling. These are 3 examples of ordinary people who accomplished extraordinary things because they were able to convert their passion, the fire in their belly, into its monetary equivalent. Their passion was like a “burning bush” deep within their souls and they were driven to consummate this burning desire.
For Walt Disney it was drawing and Art. Walt started drawing as an ambulance driver in the army. Then he became a commercial artist. After being let go from his company, he decided to start his own graphics company. His company failed from bad management. Walt had a string of failures that included bankruptcy before he found success. He married Art with imagination and created the happiest place on earth. His passion for drawing birth an empire that has gross revenues today in the billions of dollars.
Walt Disney World is now visited by over 5 million families every year, Annual cash flow from Disney’s consortium of products and films are in excess of 21 billion dollars. It includes 535 Disney stores, a cable television station, amusement parks in Orlando, California, Paris and more. All because he would not let the fire in his belly die.
So what would you do for free?
How did Sylvester Stallone Find his, Passion?
Sylvester Stallone was born disabled. He suffered injury at birth that left one side of his mouth deformed and caused him to speak funny. Sylvester's passion was born from being hungry. Like Les Brown would say “You got to be Hungry” Sylvester was broke and hungry. He was walking the street one day, cold and hungry and he decided to go into a library to stay warm. Laying on the table was a book about a fighter who overcame odds to win.
That inspired Sylvester Stallone to go write the Rocky story. He wrote that story in one sitting. He did not stop for 20 hours. That inspiration was the gasoline that lit the fire that God put inside him. Again he married passion with imagination and wrote a story that resonated with each and every one of us. The story of Rocky. It made him a millionaire many times over.
“When you set yourself on fire, people love to come and see you burn.”
— John Wesley
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Back in the day, Stallone was a struggling actor in every definition. At some point, he got so broke that he stole his wife’s jewelry and sold it. Things got so bad that he even ended up homeless. Yes, he slept at the New York bus station for 3 days. Unable to pay rent or afford food. His lowest point came when he tried to sell his dog at the liquor store to a stranger. He didn’t have money to feed the dog anymore. He sold his dog for $25. He says he walked away crying.
Two weeks later, he saw a boxing match between Mohammed Ali and Chuck Wepner and that match gave him the inspiration to write the script for the famous movie, ROCKY. He wrote the script in 20 hours! He tried to sell it and got an offer for $125,000 for the script. But he had just ONE REQUEST. He wanted to STAR in the movie. He wanted to be the MAIN ACTOR, Rocky himself. But the studio said NO. They wanted a REAL STAR.
They said he “Looked funny and talked funny”. He left with his script. A few weeks later, the studio offered him $250,000 for the script. He refused. They even offered $350,000. He still refused. They wanted his movie, but NOT him. He said NO. He was not selling out, if they did not cast him, they couldn’t buy his script. It worked. They wanted the script so badly, that they cast his as Rocky and history was made.
What is exactly the, Meaning of, Passion
Passion, is that which deeply stirs us or a developmental perspective, so it's like the essence of our commitment. Passion is the thing that drives us. You might hear older individuals say they “lost their will to live,” that means they lost their passion, their fuel. Just like a child requires love to grow, we require passion to continue to grow inside.
When we selectively share our, passion, we engage the universe to manifest our, passion.
It’s like putting gasoline on your fire when you engaged your, passion.
J.K Rowling was a single parent, a divorcee and out of work. On a train ride from Manchester to London she got the inspiration to create the Harry Potter story. But she was already a published author. Writing her first book at 6 years old and another at 11 years old. She became an English teacher because her passion was writing. Ms Rowling says
Failure stirs the fire in your belly to do something about your passion.
In 2015 J.K. Rowling's 2008 Harvard commencement speech was published under the title ‘Very Good Lives: The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination'
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My, passion, is learning, building and imparting. As a Life coach, author and motivational speaker, I am constantly learning, building and imparting into the lives of others. I could do it all day and I do it for free.
Find your, passion!
“There is no greater thing you can do with your life and your work than follow your passions – in a way that serves the world and you.” Richard Branson
What I encourage people to do is to focus on the positive at all times. If they remove the negative, those emotional vampires, they will let the light in. Once you move away or walk away or even run away from negativity, you can begin to find your, passion in life. Be passionate about whatever you desire, it doesn't matter what it is, be passionate about it by surrounding yourself with those people who are similar in Life or those people who have already done it.
I remember people talking about Diana Ross, one of my favorite people. They were so upset with her for continually surrounding herself around for White people, and she told them she surrounds herself with anyone regardless of color who is going in the same direction as she or where she wants to go.
The common complaint among a lot of people is that they need to, ‘find their passion.’
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Did you start your New Year’s resolutions yet? I bet there’s one missing that you should add right now: find a greater sense of purpose in your life. To do that effectively, you need to understand the eight key components of living with purpose.
The new book, The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose by Nathanael Garrett Novosel, is a complete step-by-step walkthrough of how humans derive meaning from their existence. This book helps you to identify what really matters to you in life, define a clear plan of going after what you want, and grow toward fulfilling your true calling.
Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. ..That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.
Self sabotaging behaviors, move us in the opposite direction from our goals. When we understand the patterns that underlie, self sabotage, we begin to free ourselves.
We then begin to allow ourselves to interact with ourselves and the world with greater success, joy, and fulfillment. The process of breaking through denial, facing your fear, anger, and other difficult emotions, and making peace with your pain, leads to an ending of the internal war with yourself.
You can step fully into the greatest expression of yourself. Finding the wisdom inside the wounds you've endured is one of the most important conversations you'll ever have with yourself about, self sabotage, because on the other side of it is the emotional freedom and depth of joy that you were born to have.
Introduction to, Self Sabotaging Behaviors
In this interview Sabrina Johnson, inspirational Speaker and Author, talks on how she overcame different aspects of, self sabotaging behaviors, because of her lack of self confidence and negative self talk. Overcoming, Self Sabotage, and taking Inventory of your failures is one way to stop, self defeating behavior.
Whatever form it takes – whether, self sabotaging behaviors, or limiting thought patterns; self sabotage, always diminishes the passion and energy we need to fulfill our dreams. At the heart of the matter, it is possible to create as much love, fulfillment, success and joy as we feel worthy of having. By identifying how your inner saboteur is, self sabotaging, your life, you can make radical progress toward that which you want.
Overcoming, Self Defeating, behavior by changing your Mindset
Mindsets are beliefs – beliefs about yourself and your most basic qualities.
Think about your intelligence, your talents, your personality. Are these qualities simply fixed traits, carved in stone or can you cultivate and grow these traits?
Your intelligence is not a fixed quantity which cannot be increased. With practice, training, and above all method, we can increase our attention, our memory, our judgment and become more intelligent than we were before.
In a, Fixed Mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits thus the, self defeating, behavior
In a Growth Mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work.
The, Fixed Mindset, is a, Defeated Mindset
The, fixed mindset, creates an internal dialogue that is focused on judging. e.g
“I am a loser”
“I am the giver in this relationship and I get nothing in return”
“I am a no good husband”
“My partner is selfish only thinks about himself”
People with a, growth mindset, are sensitive to positive and negative information; but they're attuned to its implications for learning and growing. They ask themselves “What can I learn from this” How can I improve “How can I help my partner do better.
Self sabotage
How to Overcome, Self Sabotage, at Work
I have always been someone who spent years trying to move my life forward I always say that I am a dreamer; but the problem was I made decisions and choices in my life that counteracted that data. I told myself I wanted to move forward; but everything that I did was, self sabotage, my behavior caused me to move backwards.
If I stopped and did an honest self-assessment and really seek God for direction on what am I needed to do. I would figure out why I was seemingly repeating the same, self sabotaging, cycles in my life. It was at that point that I began to really recognize certain, defeated mindsets, or negative truth about myself that I held about myself subconsciously that was preventing me from moving forward and continuing these, self defeating behaviors.
For instance I'll give you an example. I am very career-driven, so I desire to move up the career ladder. I have a master's degree in marketing; but whenever I went to apply for a director level or VP level positions, I get intimidated and, self sabotage, by talking myself out of applying for that position. I would apply and start working at a lower position and then the next couple of months I'm miserable.
Inevitably my employer would see in me what I couldn't see in myself and they would give me more responsibility. Then I would complain about being overworked and underpaid. My, defeated mindset, would make me, self sabotage, and take a lower position than I was qualified for. Then I would leave these jobs because it wasn't what I wanted and then the cycle would begin all over again at another company.
I had to say OK God I need your help. Give me the courage to jump in even though I felt fear.
Myrna: Let me not skip over this huge opportunity to ask you Sabrina. Since you've done whole bunch of self-assessments, why did you have a, defeated mindset, and, self sabotage, yourself all those years? Why did you not have confidence in your abilities?
Sabrina: That is a great question Myrna, and that was something I had to really pinpoint. I was listening to a speaker and he said when you lack self-confidence, somewhere along the line in your life someone fed into your mind that you were not good enough. That you were not worthy enough. I started looking back on past unhealthy relationships and past hurts and start to really connect the guys who rejected me. Hurts from past relationships.
I had to rely on my faith and ask God for guidance. Outside of that I read a lot of self-help books and articles on how to overcome a, defeated mindset, how to build your confidence and how to speak with confidence; but a lot of it, the core of it really has to go back to the words that I was speaking to myself. So when I started to get intimidated by the Job description, I would remind myself that I have done this job in the past. You're not going to take a different role in the company then do this job and not get paid for it. I started being my own cheerleader.
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Become aware of your emotions. Your emotions are the language of your body.
Change your emotions by thinking of want you want. Eg. You have applied for a promotion 2 times now and you keep being passed over. A, defeated mindset, says I am never going to get this job I had better get used to this and begin to, self sabotage, Instead imagine yourself in this new position. Feel in your body how it would feel to sit at that desk with your name on the door.
Your emotions will change and so will your body. It believes it is living in the future now.
How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love. Where do they find, single men?
Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love's house, so that it is ready for Love.
Listen to the full interview here:
Finding Love Introduction
I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love's House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.
Dating advice, for, finding love again
Work on being the best you.
Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements
Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence
Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table. Why would someone choose you?
Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?
The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.
Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.
Church
Bars
Gym
Sports events
Networking events
House parties
Work
Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!
Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40, to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love, at a bar.
My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!
I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!
I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.
The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.
As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes. I don't have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don't have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.
Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events. They are home on their computers.
My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.
Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?
It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest. It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men, they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with. Some key tips, I would give are:
Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
Some, dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract like minded, single men, that will give off similar positive energy.
Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
When, dating, be open to new experiences.
Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.
These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.
Where did you meet your husband?
Arifah says she met her husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter. He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer. He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.
How do, Single Women, prepare, Love's House?
Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”
The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love's House.
One of the first things I remembered she said was to,
Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life, as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.
She calls this house, Love's House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.
In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don't fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.
Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?
Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.
On the first floor of , Love's House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.
On the second floor of, Love's House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.
The most important, dating advice for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.
The third floor of, Love's House, is when, single women, are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient, courageous and beautiful inside and out.
The top floor is the Attic
In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40, are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.
You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!
Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases of finding themselves in, love's house.
Make sense of your past
In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story
Differentiate
Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.
Seek meaning
In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.
Recognize your personal power when, finding love again
When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives. We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves
Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts
This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.
Know the value of friendship with, single men
We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise
Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak
In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook. They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.
Here is a question from Mari. Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice, on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?
As a, life coach, I think that, single women, starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.
It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
You should have common interests,
be equally yoked,
have the same standard of living,
same religion,
similar sex drive.
The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on your list but you are shooting for 80%.
Arifah What's your, Dating Advice, for Mari
Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.
You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man. Once that's done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.
This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.
How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.
All I know is that I've a great fear. I've some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man, I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.
Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.
Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear. It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.
It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety. Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.
In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror. If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.
Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves. As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.
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Sexy total health, is not about how you look on the outside but on the inside. When you become conscious of these secrets, you embody, total health care.
When you become conscious of nature, mental health, presence and spirituality you have, sexy total health.
In this episode of the Transform your Mind radio and podcast, Host Myrna Young, Life Coach, interviews UDO ERASMUS, founder of Udo’s Choice, author of the book Fats and Oils: The Complete Guide to Fats and Oils in Health and Nutrition and Total Sexy Health. Udo shares his 8 secrets to Sexy, Total Health.
Udo: I can remember the fear the anxiety I had as a child growing up during the second world war in Europe, Sometimes you will hear me say that I was born in hell; and with a lot of help from visible and invisible friends, walked a long crooked path from there to heaven. I became a good reader of adventure stories, to escape hell even in the mind.
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As I grew older, along the way, I tried out many things and learned a lot. Every trade and job, every movement or breath and every step led me to the next turn on the path to find new, different and out-of-the-box possibilities.
I discovered that just like you take time to go to the bathroom, or time for breakfast everyday, you should take time to create awareness. Go back inside to the core of your being, to the magnificence of your soul.
You are not your body, you are the owner of the of your body.
That is why I created, Sexy Total Health.
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My question to you is, how much time do you spend with the owner of your body to create, total health?
Myrna: Interestingly, I was listening to Dr Deepak Chopra on Facebook live this morning and he was teaching about communing with nature and negative ions from plants and trees. I started touching shrubs as I passed them in the park on my morning walk. I am seeking sexy, total health, myself.
Udo: After searching for purpose for several years, I took a job as a pesticide sprayer and ended up with pesticide poisoning. Trying to cure myself, I started studying oils and fats. Frying your foods in oil is associated with all kinds of problems including diabetes, inflammatory diseases like arthritis, and also with cardiovascular problems. So I developed a method for making them under protection from oxygen and heat. Oils are the most sensitive and therefore most easily damaged of the essential nutrients. Light, oxygen in the air, and high temperature damage them, and then they damage your body.
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Did you get enough of the omega-3 or Flaxseed oil in your diet? 99% of the population don't get enough omega-3 needed for, total health care,
Total health, is more than just using the right oils, actually everything affects your, total health. For example your politics affect your, total health. if there's something going on that isn't right with the heart or right with, total health care, then it stresses you out.
How active you are affect your sexy, total health, the water you drink affect your, total health, but we focus mostly on on the interaction with the world. Our kids, our employer, the religious system, or the educational system, or the political system. Our awareness does not go inside.
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Here are the 8 Secrets of Sexy Total Health
Digestion – EXCESS CARBOHYDRATES TURN OFF YOUR FAT BURNING GENES. Since excess carbohydrates (eating more of them than your body burns) can cause many health problems, it is only logical, practical and important that your body makes sure that you burn carbohydrates first.
Nutrition – Fats and oils come in two completely contradictory forms. There are fats/oils that heal, and there are fats/oils that kill. The truth is that to make good choices for better health, you have to know which is which, and then choose the fats/oils that heal. More physical health problems come from bad (damaged) oils than from any other part of nutrition. Knowing how to use oils is essential to sexy, total health.
Mental health – Becoming aware of being aware, you discover both the calm stillness that is awareness’ nature, and everything else that unfolds in that stillness. Real, true, personal peace and mental health has its roots in the core of your existence beyond your senses. With that awareness, you can solve the challenges and conflicts within you and surrounding you. Mental health is essential to, total health.
Presence – Presence underpins your essence and being. Your emptiness is not empty. It’s filled with your undiscovered magnificence and the precursor to sexy, total health. Don’t get stuck in the words. Words only point at essence; they are not essence. Let them float in the space of your being, and become aware of that space in you.
Consciousness – Consciousness is the field physicists call God. Consciousness is everywhere. It is omnipresent, in charge of everything going on in the entire universe.
Emotional awareness – Lack of awareness of your internal foundation begins your problems. Awareness of that internal foundation makes practical solutions to your problems available and accessible. Aware and focused in stillness, you find insights and knowledge. Stillness is the only known reliable practice for deepening insights. They are your best source of power, wisdom and manifestation. Live your life focused. Be focused in the present, which contains all that exists. Nothing is more powerful than the present moment.
Natural living – clean water, clean food, clean air and being in nature
Sleep – is Life Energy it inspires creativity and necessary for sexy, total health.
Download your FREE copy of Total Sexy Health Here:
Did you start your New Year’s resolutions yet? I bet there’s one missing that you should add right now: find a greater sense of purpose in your life. To do that effectively, you need to understand the eight key components of living with purpose.
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Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. ..That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.
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For peak performance, I teach all of my clients a bunch of tools. I always teach them, meditation, I always teach them, breath work, I teach them that they should stretch and strengthen. So that means doing something like, yoga, Qi Gong, and then weight training or something that's actually going to improve their muscles. In addition to these tools, I teach them a morning routine and the evening routine.
Kerry is peak performance coach. Kerry was raising a family and working as an attorney when she began a daily yoga practice. She immediately noticed that yoga was the perfect antidote to her hectic lifestyle. Initially interested in yoga as a physical practice that made her feel good in her body, Kerry soon realized yoga was a lot more than that. She decided to take a teacher training and immediately began teaching. Kerry eventually left her law career and began to focus on teaching and coaching full time.
Kerry’s mission is to help others find a more balanced and fulfilled life. She believes in action and has created a system that is easy to implement so that people can create change quickly. She coaches corporate clients and elite athletes in mindset and peak performance techniques and creates tailored programs for private clients who are seeking mastery in all areas of their lives.
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Kerry: Absolutely. And by the way, that's one of my favorite books, The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari. I read that book so many years ago and that was one of the books that changed my life. Even before I went into this wellness space, that's such a great book. And it really shows you that at any point in your life, you really can change and move into a different space if you want.
So, for me, I felt like my life was going great. I had a good career. I had my children; I had a nice house. Everything was great, but didn't feel great to be honest with you. And I had this experience where we were on a vacation hiking in the woods, and we came to this clearing in the woods. It's like trees in a circle, pine needles on the ground and the sun was just coming in to the center of the circle. So, I walked into the center of the circle in the sun and when the hit me, I had this crazy moment.
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All my dreams came through but I wasn't fulfilled
I flashbacked to the Kerry I was when I was 20 and back then I used to spend a lot of time in nature. The flashback I had was it me sitting with my journal it in all my hopes and dreams. When I was a 20 year old young woman, I wanted to have a career, I wanted to have a beautiful family, I wanted to have a husband that loved me and supported what I wanted to do and I could support him. I wanted a beautiful house; I wanted to travel and adventure. I realized that I had achieved all my dreams. But what happened in the next instant was I realized that even though I had everything I wanted, I really wasn't happy and I didn't feel fulfilled.
Myrna: And why was that?
Kerry: Because I think it was on autopilot, right? And I started to think like where did those dreams come from? And I started to understand that a lot of those dreams came from outside of me. My society, my parents, my teachers. I'm a people pleaser. I want to please people; I want to be impressive. So, I went back to my hotel room and I wrote another whole list of all my hopes and dreams and they were things like, start teaching. I had always studied, personal growth.
So, the book you mentioned, I had read that probably when I was 20 or 25 right around that same time. And I had been studying, personal transformation, philosophy for many, many years. So, I was like, you know I'd really like to teach people some of the things I learned. I'd like to be an author, and I'd like to be a speaker and I was writing all these things down. So that's all well and good. I get home from the vacation, lose the piece of paper or maybe it was my journal that I wrote it in, and I forgot all about it.
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Then one day my alarm rang. I hit the snooze button, but instead of going back to sleep, which I usually did, and Myrna I would usually do that like a few times back-to-back, so I usually started my day racing around being a lunatic trying to get everything done on time. Get the kids out the door, get myself out the door. But on this day, instead of going back to sleep, I just sat up in my bed and I meditated for 5 mins. I was just observing the thoughts.
That night I was in my bed with my husband and I said, you know, I had such a great day. And he's like, did you do anything different today? I told him what I had done and had gotten up and meditated for five minutes. And he said, Oh, that's so cool. I'm gonna try it tomorrow. So, we tried it the next day. And sure enough, at the end of the day, he was like, that was amazing. I had such a great day. So, we both started doing a, morning routine and, eventually I started teaching this, morning routine meditation, to my students.
The first thing I noticed when I started teaching, yoga, was that yoga, is a lifestyle and it really encompasses everything.
The way you live in this world,
The way you're thinking,
The way you're eating
The way you function in general,
The way you treat other people,
The way you treat yourself.
The timeless principles of morning routine meditation.
So, I said I would love to teach, yoga, and, meditation, to lawyers, business people and doctors.’ People who wouldn't normally do it because honestly professional people, they are like, I don't know about, meditation, they get a little nervous when you start using any of the lingo. So, I started to study the mind. And what I realized was you take those Eastern practices like ,yoga, meditation, and, breath work, and then you marry them to the science, which is all about how the brain works. so, I didn't call it, meditation, but I just said this is a stress relief exercise.
I created this whole one hour, morning routine, and for me, I started to understand how important it was not only to create this, morning routine, but to tailor it to my lifestyle. So, for my husband, he started with half an hour, morning routine. I have an hour, but I always have as my base as my minimum five-minute, morning routine.
So, basically this whole, snooze button routine, that I came up with is for you to use as you need. In my book, the snooze button sessions, I show you 12 different things you can do for, morning meditation, breathwork, exercises yoga or stretching, and journaling. There are so many different things, but then you choose which one of those things or what combination of those things you use. So sometimes I'll break it up. Robin Sharma actually suggests not to do it the way I do it, which is you know, hitting the snooze every time and then moving to a new routine.
Achieve peak performance with a 20/20/20 morning routine
For peak performance during the day, start your day with a 20/20/20 morning routine. 20 minutes of spiritual growth meditation, 20 minutes of learning like reading a book, and 20 mins of exercise. You can do whatever works for you, and that's what I advocate. I advocate for you learning the tools, figuring out what works for you, and even adding something you might like that I never even thought about. The reason this system works is because it's a thing called, habit stacking.
When people make their New Year's resolutions then do them for a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months then stop? It's because the goal is not linked to anything. That is why I love doing, habit stacking, and starting with this, morning routine. I believe that not only learning tools that will relax you and keep you in, ease and flow, but improve your health as well. These little changes can have massive effects and that's really what I advocate.
Myrna: You're seeing that a, morning routine, helps your clients achieve, peak performance, as well as, ease and flow. What else is the science behind it?
Kerry: Well, basically, the way your brain works is that your brain is designed to keep you alive. We are using all of our senses, our sight, our hearing our smell, or touch or taste. All of our senses are really designed just to take in information from the outside world. It goes to your brain, your brain processes it, the only thing your brain is really looking for is what is a danger?
Our brain actually filters out a ton of information that is actually right before our eyes, we don't even see it. So, our brain is just looking for those negative things. So, when we're talking about any of these practices, when we're talking about creating a, morning routine, when we're talking about meditating or doing anything that's outside of what we would normally do, we're actually rewiring our brain and we're teaching our brain to behave differently.
Let’s say someone is driving really slow in front of me. I'm late for work. I start to get angry and stressed. My brain immediately goes into flight or fight mode. It registers it the same as it would if there was a lion in front of you. Your brain will react to a minor inconvenience like that the same as it would react to a terrible danger. Our brain either is like danger or no danger. It's not like really degrees of it.
So, we really want to learn first of all that awareness piece. First you need to notice that you are getting angrier and angrier, I could start cursing out the person in front of me, or I could have some awareness and say, Oh, my body's reacting. All these chemicals are starting to flood my body, cortisol, a stress hormone and a lot of other things to get you ready to run. Adrenaline is flowing. But then you have your tools. You can turn the radio on and listen to a song. You could say to yourself. I'm running late, that's fine.
You could even just do some, breath work, sitting in your car. You can call somebody and chat with someone and you know, say to them look, I'm feeling stressed. You can listen to music or a book on tape or a podcast anything to signal to your brain, I'm not in danger. Now I'm going to take that time when I would have normally been angry or fuming even getting myself more and more worked up so that I arrive at work, not in a good place. And what happens then you get to work and now you're complaining to everyone and you're not the person you want to be.
Myrna: How do you help your clients solve this problem? Are your classes about, peak performance, or about a, morning routine?
Kerry: So, when I first start working with someone, I like to look at every area of their life so we go through everything, their social life, their love relationship, their parenting if they're a parent, their career and finances and really survey all of the areas of their life. And what I find is people are really excelling in one area and then in a lot of the other areas, they haven't even looked at it. So then once we know that, what area could improve, we start with that.
I personally believe that health should be a priority for you, focusing in on your health could really be a game changer for everybody. And again, I start small, five minutes, go take a walk after lunch, just do some jumping jacks, get up in the morning and do a very quick five-minute, morning routine stretch. Just start to bring more activity into your life and start to really care about your health, care about what you're eating.
Our health is the stop on the peak performance chart
We can't have, peak performance, without our health. It doesn't always have to be health, though every person kind of knows once we go through all the categories which area they really need to work on. Some people need to work on finances. So, when you survey your whole entire life, all the categories of your life, your intellectual life, your emotional life, we all have certain areas that we're like, that's the one I need to work on.
So, I basically teach all of my clients a bunch of tools I always teach them, meditation, I always teach them, breath work, I teach them that they should stretch and strengthen. So that means doing something like, yoga, Qi Gong, and then something like weight training or something that's actually going to improve your muscles. And you know, I have all these little things that I teach them the morning routine and the evening routine.
All of my clients have at least a five-minute, morning routine, and a five minute, evening routine, without your cell phone. Just something you're doing for yourself. And I always say to people if you can make it longer than five minutes, try 15 minutes morning and 15 minutes at night or even longer, depending on your life circumstances. Setting yourself up for success and having the tools to fall back on when you fall down. It's something I think in the wellness world people don't talk about as much.
Myrna: Are you still teaching yoga just for the stretches? Tell us about that.
Kerry: I had stopped teaching yoga during the pandemic because I did not like teaching it online. So, then I started teaching, breathwork workshops, and all these different workshops on, peak performance, in the yoga studios. I would do that as a weekend workshop. I'm not teaching, yoga, although I started going to, yoga, again as a student, which is so nice to be back in a yoga studio. I really am not going to tell anyone I'm a, yoga teacher.
If you have back pain, how to relieve back pain? Yoga. I'll tell you I have this little routine I taught my husband on his hands and knees for his spine. He was having terrible back problems. So, every day for five minutes, he would just do this simple routine, and it completely healed his problem. I always advocate to everybody move your spine in every direction every day. So forward and back, side to side, and then in a circle either direction because that's what's going to keep your spine limber and that's what helps you stay youthful.
Myrna: That is great. I do the same thing with the Sun Salutation movements. I learned about the sun salutation a long time ago. It’s in my memory and I can actually go through those poses without even thinking about it.
Kerry: The absolutely works. And the reason it works, by the way is because it's exactly what I said. It goes through all the motions. So, you're moving all of your joints, you know, in every direction. And I don't even think it would take five minutes to do three of them.
Book: Snooze Button Sessions
Conclusion
Myrna: How they connect with you?
Kerry: Thank you. You can find me at KerryFishercoaching.com. I am on Instagram@ IamKerryFisher. I handle my own Instagram and I love getting messages from people. You could find my books on Amazon. One is on that
My second one is called Routines for Extraordinary Living in these two books you will find so many tools and tests that will help you. I have them right now both on Amazon for 99 cents for the eBook version. So I would love for you to check it out.
Are you Happy? Today Dr Ahia, Psychologist and I discuss, How to be Happy. Their is a mathematical formula for, happiness. H=S +C + V i.e. means Your happiness is based on your set point. What are the conditions that make you happy. Are you choosing to make the voluntary choices to make to be happy.
The, happiness formula, is a mathematical equation on, how to be happy.
What does it take to be happy?
To answer that question you have to understand your blueprint for, happiness.
Your blueprint is the story you have in your head about how life is supposed to be.
The most popular archetype is the blueprint that says you have to be successful to find, happiness.
Here is a Test to see your Capacity for, Happiness:
What is an area in your life that you feel happy about?
Then ask yourself, why are you happy with that area?
You could find, happiness, in your body, your marriage, your career, your friends, your finances, your kids, your relationship with God etc.
If your Life Conditions or LC match your blueprint for, happiness, you will find, happiness, in this area.
Let's pick an easy one to see, how to be happy, I am sure you know people who are happy with being overweight.
They find, happiness, with their body because their blueprint says, Big is Beautiful. They love being Big. You may also know someone who is a twig and they feel fat. You become unhappy with your body when you step on the scale and it is different than your blueprint for, happiness, with your weight or body.
While you are in this space you can also get clarity on why you are Unhappy with some areas of your life.
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The Happiness Formula, How to be Happy
Happiness, is defined as a feeling of contentment, that life is as it should be. Perfect, happiness, comes when you have all your needs met according to your blueprint of what life should be.
Here is the formula for, Happiness
H=S +C + V
Happiness is “H”
S – Set point or genetic capacity for happiness
C- Conditions or circumstances of living
V – Voluntary choices
Your Set point or core belief is both genetic and environmental. Do you see life as an opportunity or do you see life as a problem?
Your set point for, happiness, is determined in the first 3 years of life by parents or caretakers. Your neurons mirror your parents. If your parents were always criticizing each other or playing the victim; that's what you grow up to be. A critical person always seeing the glass as half empty instead of half full. You feel victimized by life. You blame the system for your lack of, happiness, in life. You feel you were born on the other side of the tracks.
On the other hand If your parents were happy, then you grew up thinking that life is a place for service and to look for the silver lining under every cloud. Never being the victim because victims have no power. Your set point on, how to be happy, if pretty high.
Your set point represents 50% of your, happiness, so if you have a negative set point, you are always fighting an uphill battle.
Fortunately, your set point for, happiness, can be changed through therapy?
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The second factor in the, Happiness Formula is your capacity for happiness or your Life Conditions “C”
C = Conditions of living – conditions of living represents 10 -12% of your, happiness. For example If you are extremely poor you can't be happy because your basic needs are not being met and your poverty becomes a source of stress.
There is a movie I saw years ago called the, Happiness, movie. It showcased people in India living in very poor conditions, earning something like $100 per year and they found, happiness.
How to be happy, they had love, they had family and since poverty is what they knew from birth, their blueprint for, happiness, was different than someone born into wealth.
Do you know poor people who are happy? I am sure you do.
When your Life conditions don't match your blueprint that is when you suffer. Stress, depression, substance abuse this is the doorway they enter from. Not always but most times.
The next leg on, How to be Happy, is “V”
V = Voluntary Choices. These are the choices you make every day =these choices represent 40% of your, happiness.
If your choices are all about personal pleasure then your, happiness, will be transient.
In the US the #1 choice for personal pleasure is shopping
#2 is alcohol and food
# 3 sex
When you make choices for personal pleasure your, happiness, lasts a few days or a few months at best. If you are trying to find, happiness, by acquiring things like cars, clothes, houses, jewelry. The, happiness, lasts a few weeks or at best 6 months then it is no longer a source of joy.
This is the same for alcohol, food, drugs, sex.
Lasting, Happiness, does not come from external sources.
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If you are suffering in your marriage, your relationships, or anything other than your health, you can change your blueprint and find, happiness. If you feel you have no control to change your Life conditions, that is when there is pain.
You can change your set point through meditation and expanding your consciousness.
If you don't like your conditions of living or your body, change it. It is in your control. If you don't want to change your conditions then you must change your blueprint.
When I first got married my husband and I fought constantly. We had different blueprints of what marriage was supposed to be. We are still together today because we both changed our blueprints. Most couples end up in divorce court because they refuse to change their blueprint of what it take to find, happiness, in a marriage or after a divorce.
Instead of making the choice of personal pleasure, spend your money or time on experiences like vacations, adventure, entertainment, being social with friends etc. Creating Good memories make you happy.
The fastest way to, happiness, is to give others attention, appreciation, acknowledgment, affection, or acceptance.
Before you make choices, ask yourself would this choice make me happy? Will it make others happy? You cannot find, happiness, making others unhappy.
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